"Taking a chance on a feeling,
Is like waiting for a flower to grow,
So, I stand at the crossroads, baby,
Wondering which way to go."
Standing in the Shadow - Whitesnake
/
Once again Joss found herself sat in the passenger seat of Billy's car, driving wherever he wanted to go, a knot slowly tightening within her stomach.
After their little scandalous tryst in the library, Billy had impatiently pulled her along behind him, down the empty hallways, and it was only once he'd bundled her into the back seat of his Camaro, lips demanding and insistent, that she understood why he was so restless and agitated. Joss hadn't been the only one to become hot and bothered by that risqué moment between them, and he was clumsy and eager to peel her out of her warm jeans and give himself the relief he very clearly needed. Being that intimate in a deserted school parking lot, in the cramped and uncomfortable confines of a car, had never really struck Joss as something that would be a turn on for her, but as she was discovering, Billy was helping her reveal a lot she didn't really know about herself. She wasn't sure if that was ultimately a good or bad thing, but on that backseat, fervidly trying to give them both that next heady release, it had felt damn good.
When they had re-dressed and collected themselves back into a semi-suitable state, he'd taken them to a secluded back alley in town and grabbed them both a pizza to go, and they'd driven further out and parked by the side of some rural country road, eating the now lukewarm meal. Joss was hungry enough to eat all her share within minutes, while Billy was more discerning in his eating habits, taking his time, listening to the music and enjoying his food.
Joss sucked a blob of pizza sauce off her thumb, carelessly wiping any remaining oil onto a napkin before scrunching it into a ball in her fist, working at it nervously in her palm as she looked out at their surroundings. The sun was still up but it would be setting soon, and all she could think about was getting back home, working this big mess out in her head, finally sleeping and having some kind of answers by morning. Answers that may put a stop to what had happened today ever happening again.
Right now everything felt too complex to even start wading through how all this had made her feel. She was satisfied physically but inside she was angry with how much Billy had overstepped today, and angrier still at herself for just letting him, the emotions clashing together and making her feel even more anxious and annoyed.
Billy finished his last slice of pizza and then thoroughly and almost obsessively wiped his hands of all grease before he was satisfied enough to lay hands upon any part of his car.
"So, do you want to go check out the biker bar up on Carson's Way? Have a beer? I need to drop something off anyway."
His voice brought Joss out of her bundle of nervous thoughts. "They won't let me in, I tried last year, they said no ID, no beer." She already knew that her opinion wouldn't hold any weight, because he hadn't really been asking her if she wanted to go, just informing her that was what they were going to do.
"They'll let you in with me," he said, with so much confidence that Joss thought it must be true.
"How come?" Joss shot back, wanting to suddenly be combative, and feeling hardly any desire to go to the bar anyway, not tonight.
"After I listen to some of those tapes from Cali, I pass them on to the owner, Hal. So, since last year, he's let me go in sometimes, if I want to see a band or have a beer."
"Figures," Joss mumbled under her breath.
"So, you got shot down trying to go in, huh?" Billy said, with a teasing tilt of his head in mock sympathy.
"Yeah, I missed a great band too," Joss said, still feeling that knot in her stomach, it felt acidic.
"When was that?"
"Sometime last year. I didn't try again." Joss let out a dismissive sigh.
"Well," he reached over, his hand skimming against her knee and moving further up to squeeze her thigh softly, "you don't have to worry about that when you're with me. I'll get you in to the next band you want to see."
Joss didn't brush his hand away but let out a harsh scoff at his words, because they didn't sound sweet or kind, but suddenly possessive and arrogant to her ears. As long as she was by Billy's side, life would be easy, just because she was with him, is what he seemed to be insinuating.
He clicked his tongue in vexation of her ungrateful response, then turned the key and revved up the engine, taking them off and away down back roads to their new destination. They didn't talk, and Joss stared stubbornly out the window, still not quite ready to voice anything about her feelings on what had happened today, not really sure what it all meant yet.
They soon arrived at the bar, and Joss noticed a few bikes were parked outside, but other than that it was exactly what anyone would expect at a bar early Monday evening, near dead. They got out, still in uneasy silence, and walked across the empty parking lot, Joss trailing just a little behind.
As they entered, Joss noticed the lack of any bouncers on the door, the extra security must be only needed on busy weekends and nights bands played. The music within was a smooth rhythm of something mellow she didn't know, a modern upbeat sound of synth and guitars. A little too soft to be classed as hard rock, but too electric guitar heavy to be pure bubble-gum pop.
A few places at the bar were taken by older men, but most, if not all of the freestanding tables were empty. Joss' gaze hovered over the tiny little stage area, where she'd missed so many great bands playing while living here in Hawkins, never daring to come all the way up here again after that first time.
"Hey, Billy!" A deep voice shouted over to them in greeting. Joss studied the guy behind the bar who had spoken, he was maybe in his fifties, early sixties at most, a grizzled biker type with a long handle bar moustache, fringed leather jacket, and a large build that at one point in his life had probably been mostly muscle.
"Hey, Hal," Billy said, with a nod of his head, and dug into his denim jacket pocket a moment before pulling out a tape, holding it between two fingers and waving it enticingly, in the way someone might hold a little treat for a good dog.
"Great!" Hal said, holding out his large palm for the offering. As Billy placed it into his grasp Hal's attention was caught by Joss lingering a few steps behind, and his brow rose in teasing surprise. "And who is this?"
"This is Joss, she's pretty tuned into great music, she's cool," Billy said with a sniff, confirming Joss was to be trusted.
"Christ, Billy, how old is she?" Hal said, getting a good look up and down at Joss and gesturing to her with a casual finger, like she was just an object to be discussed.
"Old enough," Billy said with a bold grin.
"She ain't twenty one," Hal argued.
"Neither am I," Billy shot back, tapping the tape still in Hal's grip as if this somehow proved his point without further need of explanation.
Hal gave a reluctant nod. "Well, just don't make a habit of bringing your dates out here, alright? Women usually mean trouble. Don't be bringing that to my door unless you got the balls to deal with it, Hargrove."
Joss' mind zeroed in on those words, so this wasn't somewhere Billy normally brought his girlfriends? She felt she should feel pleased, but she couldn't feel anything but that knot tightening.
"Got it," Billy said, his grin now a little strained at his word even being questioned.
"I take a risk with you being here, understand, kid?"
Billy's lips twitched, the grin becoming more of a grimace at that patronizing nickname. "Yeah, like I said, got it."
Hal was now engrossed in checking out the the cover of the cassette and he finally nodded as if deciding this was all acceptable. "No trouble, alright?" he warned again, pointing the tape at both of them in turn.
"Hal, Joss is a verifiable saint." Billy grinned, turned and winked at Joss, the action making his earring sway with the jerk of movement.
Hal eyed Joss again. "Really, how old is she? She best not be under eighteen."
"She is eighteen, nineteen next month," Joss said, with a caustic edge.
Hal stared at her in disbelief, as if she was a bar stool that had just sprung to life and started talking, before his droopy moustache quivered and a deep roll of laughter came out of his mouth. "Well, least she got spirit, I'll give her that." Joss' audacity to speak up seemed to have won over the old biker in some way. He looked directly at Billy with a knowing look. "One beer each then you're out, okay?"
"Sounds good," Billy said, licking and pressing his lips together in anticipation of the beer now being poured out of a pump. "Thanks man," he said as Hal passed over the full glasses.
Billy nodded his head towards a place near the elevated pool table and Joss followed him over, feeling a few curious eyes move to observe them as they walked by.
"See?" Billy said, as they both sat at an empty table, and he pushed over the pale golden coloured beverage towards her.
Joss accepted it without saying anything, sipping at the cool liquid and wiping away the foam it left behind on her lips with the back of her hand, as she allowed herself a moment to look around the place. It was dingy, a few neon signs for various beers and liquors lit up the wooden walls, and in one corner stood a lonely pinball machine that lit up and burst out a blast of sudden music every now and again, trying to entice someone over to play it. Near where they sat was an old school style fifties jukebox full of small vinyl records, but right now it was silent and unplugged, the music that sounded through the bar must be coming from a tape deck and speaker system.
Billy tried a few times to get her to start talking about one thing or another, but Joss felt like her whole body had clammed up. This was somewhere she hadn't been before and after today, the last person she wanted to be with in a strange place was Billy.
"You've been sour all day, what's eating you?" Billy finally said, after his umpteenth attempt at getting her to discuss new movies or music.
Joss took a longer sip of her beer and eyed him narrowly, this really didn't feel like the place to start an argument, but she knew a confrontation was brewing, whether she wanted it to or not.
She took another gulp of beer before she finally spoke. "Do you remember the other night, you said your dad was mad that you might be seeing someone older? What did you mean?" Okay, not what Joss was expecting to blurt out, but at least it was just an innocent question to sate her curiosity, not a direct attack; maybe she could keep this civil and build up to what she truly wanted to face.
"I thought you said no personal stuff?" Billy said, with his usual shit eating grin.
"Well, you kinda walked all over that agreement today, so allow me this trespass." Maybe that whole idea of building things up had been a little too optimistic after all.
"Okay. I can play this game, Saint Joss." He grinned, enjoying his teasing a little too much. "I had a thing with this older woman back home."
"Back in California?" Joss said, stating the obvious, knowing she was really only doing so to push him into a corner.
"Yes," he said, through slightly gritted teeth, and pulled out his soft cigarette packet, tapping it on the table in sudden impatience for this conversation to be over.
"Why didn't your dad like it?"
Billy sighed. "Because she was married. She had kids and shit, her husband got mad. It was a mess." He didn't act like he thought it was a mess at all, he was softly laughing, almost seeming proud of himself.
"So, you wrecked a whole family?"
The smile fell from his face and his eyes were on hers in an instant, a warning darkened look to them, as he tapped out a cigarette and played with it a moment, rolling it between finger pads. "She came on to me," he said very carefully.
"Oh, I see. Stupid of me. Guess that makes it okay," Joss said, with a careless shrug, taking another sip of her beer.
"Look, Tanner, you're being a bit of a bitch, so just come out with what you want to say and get those panties untwisted from up your ass." He flicked open his lighter and ignited the tip of his cigarette in one swift movement.
"I was just curious." Joss did know she was being hostile, but after today all she felt was a real need to antagonize him, to pay him back.
"Just curious," Billy repeated with a dismissive nod.
"Is that something you make a habit of? Going after married women? Because I'm starting to see this pattern with you and..." She trailed off, suddenly very interested in drinking her beer and deliberately not finishing her sentence.
"A pattern?" Billy was leaning back in his seat, as if ready to be tortured and not show a single inch of emotion on his face while it happened.
"Yeah, like, the challenge, I think you love it. Got any more lined up? Another Jessica maybe, or another married woman?" Joss said with a snarl of flippant sarcasm.
Billy laughed, his eyes dancing with real glee, and Joss realized with a little drop in her stomach, that he did.
"Who?" The word had slipped out before she could stop it.
"Ah, ah," he said with a Cheshire cat grin, drawing on his cigarette and releasing the smoke in a large cloud that hovered above the table. "I'm a gentleman." He smirked, knowing he'd got her on the back foot all over again.
"Gentleman? You say that so often, but I don't think you really know what that means."
Billy let out a hiss of laughter, the tone and his body language all stating he thought she was deliberately being a combative hellion, while he was just trying to enjoy his beer.
"Well have fun with the chase, I guess," Joss said, relaxing back into her chair, holding her beer and toasting to his future success. When he didn't seem to take the bait, she continued. "So, why this girl then?" Joss felt a little touch of thrill and fear touch the hairs on the nape of her neck, because he couldn't mean her, right?
Billy turned his head to look at her, a smile flickering upon his lips, enjoying this new game and intent on winning, even if he didn't know the rules yet. "She has a perfect life, perfect kids, perfect husband. And a perfect ass," he said, with another smug little puff of smoke.
Joss' ears pricked at all this information, so it was an older woman he'd set his sights on, and she couldn't help her mind drifting to all the fit and toned mothers of this small town. The plummet came quickly after, that she hadn't been the one in his sights, even if in reality she would detest every moment of being his twisted little goal. "And you want to what? Wreck all four?"
This really made him laugh, and when his eyes found her face she could see he was a little impressed with her lewd directness. "Something like that."
Joss made a disgusted face which only seemed to make him laugh more. "You are gross, you know that, right?"
"Nah, you love it." He reached under the table and squeezed her thigh and Joss batted him away, but it wasn't a playful action and he picked up on it, instantly, feeling that mood between them shift, sensing the bitterness behind her actions. "Besides, right now I'm good just here. I just have irons in the fire you know? Always have to have options."
"Jesus, am I meant to feel flattered?" Joss said, rolling her eyes.
He took another drag on his cigarette, connecting with her eyes and holding them to him in a look that said that she should feel exactly that way.
"Besides, I don't think this is really about me," Billy said, with a careful slow lick of his bottom lip. "This is about you, right?"
Joss took another gulp of beer and tried to hide her surprise when she realized she had already drank nearly half of it. "I don't know what you mean," she said, pretending to look around the place, before he caught her with a direct look and held her in place a moment, eyes glowering with a look that dared her to break the connection at her own risk.
"Bullshit you don't," Billy said, rolling the ash off his cigarette somehow provocatively against the glass curve of the ashtray, his eyes not breaking that connection between them. "This is about today, right? Me letting on to you in the hallway."
Joss took another sip, why couldn't she seem to stop wanting to take a drink every few seconds? "Now you mention it," Joss said flippantly, finally feeling she could now glance away, "yeah, that was messed up."
"Look," Billy began, taking a controlled small sip of his own beer. "We had a fight, I couldn't come see you after, I wanted to check we were still cool."
"And you couldn't do that later, after school?"
"Trish had been all over me most of the day, she would have wanted to hang around if I didn't drive her home, and I didn't know if I'd see you later, or if you even wanted me turning up at your door. I didn't know you'd be at the library until your little friend let it slip. So, in the moment it seemed easier."
"Easier?" Joss said with a sour smile.
"Two birds with one stone," Billy confirmed, watching her with a relaxed-seeming air, that Joss knew was concealing a predatory readiness to pounce on whatever she said next.
"What you did in the library was out of line too," Joss said, shifting her focus, finally coming to what the real problems were.
"You didn't seem to be complaining, in fact I think you kinda enjoyed it, or am I reading all your body biology wrong?"
"Screw you!" Joss said, and took a big gulp of the beer, leaving only a fingers worth in the glass.
"Well, yeah, but later, right?" Billy said, with a little raise of his eyebrows in teasing.
"Stop!" Her voice was a little louder than she'd intended and she felt the few bar patrons' attention turn with interest in their direction.
Billy let out a low laugh, shaking his head as if he couldn't take her anywhere.
"No, more school stuff, okay?" Joss said, firmly grabbing hold of her anger and reeling it back under control.
Billy took a last puff on his cigarette and leaned across the table, stubbing it out as he did so, and reaching for her, catching her wrist for only a second before she pulled it out of his grip. "You really do know how to take the fun outta stuff, you know, Tanner?" He didn't sound annoyed, but tolerant and mocking.
"Okay?" Joss repeated more sternly, ignoring what he had just said, determined to get at least one promise out of him tonight.
"Sure," he said with a dismissive hand movement, before he sat back in his seat, that relaxed air hovering around him again.
"And no more jealous bullshit either. If I see you even give Jonathan Byers a sly look, you and me, whatever this is, it's done."
"Whatever this is," Billy said, rubbing his cheek with a distracted air.
"I mean it!" Joss said, and felt the chafing of the fact that he still hadn't really apologized for the other night at the arcade, there was no avoiding it anymore, she had to make her limits clear. "If you touch me in anger ever again, that's it. That's my hard line." Joss bit back the part of her that wanted to blurt out she would never become her parents, exchanging blows and slaps in arguments with the person she was meant to care about. "If you cross it, we are done as friends, never mind anything else."
"Like I said, sure," Billy said, with no real conviction, and Joss had to make the split second choice of if she should believe him, or challenge him. She rose a cynical eyebrow at him, trying to communicate the seriousness of this 'hard line' for them.
"Jesus, you don't have to drag it out, Joss. I don't go back on my word."
Joss assumed that must be true, in all the good ways and bad ways that oath could play out for him. She sighed and chose the easier path of allowing this to be enough, because she was tired of this, tired of feeling so much like a ball of taught nerves over this whole situation.
She glanced over at him, already feeling the beer working on her brain, making it so easy to speak before she'd fully thought out the gaps in her defenses. "So, how long have you been seeing Trish?"
"You just said no school stuff." He smirked and went in for the attack without any hesitation, ready to bring about her undoing by happily pointing out her hypocrisy.
"It's not school stuff," Joss said, knowing it was, and she was stupidly blurring all those boundaries between them again. But her choice was to stew in not knowing, or be blunt and finally get this stuff all out. She could re-enforce her boundaries later, when she knew where the hell she actually stood.
"Not long, a few weeks before we met, maybe," Billy conceded.
"Is it serious? Are you guys like... going steady?" Joss tried to make it sound like a casual inquiry rather than the complex ball of insecurity that it really was.
Billy laughed as if finding her soft addressing of the subject far too saccharine. "It's not serious, it never is with Trish."
"Does she know that?"
"I dunno, Tanner, why don't you go ask her? Have a nice girly heart to heart."
Joss scoffed, trying to keep her expression smooth and uncaring when inside she felt a sting of hurt, because this meant he'd been seeing Trish all this time they'd been together. He seemed to sense the change in her even though Joss tried her best to remain unruffled. She suddenly hated the way he could read her so easily, her lust, her vulnerability, the inconsistency underneath all her put on cool demeanour.
"We just kinda drift together." He quirked up an eyebrow, teasing gently now, a playfulness that wanted her not to take this all so seriously. "Keeping up appearances for the neighbourhood, you know?"
"What appearances?" Joss pushed.
Billy let out a sigh as if frustrated at having to explain basics to someone that should already be aware of what simple high school social expectations were. "If you aren't fucking someone, or at least acting like you are, you start to raise questions."
"Jesus." Joss let out a disingenuous laugh. "So, what? Being single is being a loser?"
Billy slowly pointed at her as if she'd won a pop quiz.
"That sounds freaking terrible," Joss said, truly laughing now, because it was so ridiculous.
"It's just easier, to have someone there, that gets how things are. When we don't have anything better, we just, like I said, drift together."
Joss suddenly felt a little scrape of annoyance touch her, because she felt like she was on the outside of an exclusive club that Billy and Trish could waltz in and out of without being ID'd, while she watched on, barred from even getting a peek inside. After her speech of no more jealousy, she felt like a charlatan and pushed the ugly envy back down. But, he'd said when they didn't have anything better... was Joss classed as better or demoted to just a side hustle? She'd seen him with Trish only today, so what did that mean? She brushed that thought away too, knowing it would have to be confronted at some point, just maybe not right now, all this felt like more than enough to work through for one night.
"Now, you have to give me something in return," he said, the words a secreted dagger she hadn't been expecting.
Joss quirked an eyebrow at him, affronted he'd even ask for more. "Oh, I do?"
"Yeah, I told you two personal things, now you have to tell me something. It's how this stays fair."
"Okay," Joss said, wary now. "What do you want to know?"
"Your first, was he your only?" Billy took another measured sip of beer, eyes staying on her face for her reaction, ready to harshly call her out on any lies he detected.
Joss laughed in self defence. "No, he was not, and no, I'm not telling you about the others either."
"Okay, so just tell me about him then."
Joss rolled her eyes, thinking quickly of just how scarce an amount of information she could give him. "I was fifteen and he was..." She paused, eyes connecting and glancing away as if suddenly embarrassed. "Older," she finished.
"How much older?" Billy said, grabbing onto the information like a dog with a bone.
"In his late twenties, maybe." Joss took another gulp of her beer, finishing it off and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
"Like what, twenty seven, twenty eight?" he pushed, and he caught Joss' eyes, understanding he was right by the look she gave him. "That's messed up," he said with a snicker. "I can't imagine dating a fifteen year old kid and I'm not even in my twenties yet. That's like only a year older than-" He petered off, but Joss knew what he was going to say. She'd been only a year older than Max.
"Did you date, or?" he asked, trying to bring the conversation back under his control.
"Yeah, for a few months. I was looking for attention and he was happy to give it. Took me a while to see he was just using me."
"Using you, how?"
Joss gave him a long look that stated he knew exactly what she meant, but he raised his brow in confirmation that she'd still have to tell him.
"For sex," Joss said, glancing away, suddenly intensely uncomfortable. "I didn't know anything about having an actual boyfriend, so I guess he thought he could treat me like his personal toy, I don't know. It was fucked up," Joss said with a shrug, eyes looking anywhere but at him.
"It is fucked up," he confirmed, and Joss' gaze slid back to him, she hadn't expected him to sound so serious and, was that a note of anger she could hear? "You aren't the only kid to find older assholes ready to use you up, they are everywhere," he said, with a knowing that made Joss feel like he knew that experience personally, and the thought lit up in her mind.
"That older woman back in California?" Joss said, knowing he'd understand the context.
He didn't nod in agreement or affirm Joss' idea in any way, it was like she hadn't spoken at all, but something flashed through his eyes, more anger perhaps, or maybe indignation?
"People like that are like wolves." He was tapping out another cigarette and Joss suddenly understood this was a habit he took up when he was feeling just slightly unnerved, as if chain smoking helped keep that wall standing strong around him. He lit the cigarette and took a long lungful of smoke in. "They can smell the hurt, you know?" he said, with a long measured exhale.
Joss felt her heart drop at the potential that he had been torn up and used in his past too. He was always so confident, so cool, so sure of himself, that it was hard for her to imagine he had ever been on the receiving end of anything sexual he didn't actively seek out and control. She thought it should have made her feel more connected to him but it just made her feel grimy and dispirited. That for a moment they had both thought some thrill hunter truly cared about them when they were young, stupid and vulnerable. Finding out you were only a smutty fantasy being fulfilled for someone else when they were bored felt pretty devastating. The fact even Billy hadn't avoided that fate felt suddenly obscene to Joss, because he was the strongest, most unmovable stubborn person she'd ever known, if it had happened to him, no one was safe.
"Yeah," Joss said, her voice only a whisper.
"You have to strike first, use them before they get a chance. World evens out," he said, blowing out more smoke, as if they were talking about something trivial.
Joss shook her head, knee jerk disagreeing with what he said but finding no words or will to rebuff his opinions. She reached out for her glass but realized again that it was empty.
"Want another?" Billy asked.
"Hell yes!" Joss said, with no elegance at all.
"It's yours." He gave her a quick smile and a confident wink before getting up from his seat and strutting over to the counter, where he somehow managed to wrangle them two more beers.
/
A/N
Hello all, welcome back.
This was a long one, so I hope you didn't find it too much.
How are you guys enjoying so far? Thoughts are always welcome.
To those still reading and hopefully enjoying, I hope you liked this chapter. My goal throughout the story was to get to know Billy through snippets, he acts like a total brat, but underneath is someone who is deeply hurt and although he may have sort comfort in his past, it didn't go well, leading to this hard, don't give a shit about anyone exterior. Treat people how you think they'd treat you before they can be bad to you, that kind of mentality. It's acts of survival for him I guess. Anyway I'm going to shut up and let you see how this all plays out.
Until next time. Have a good one.