Double or Despair

by Glitterb1234

Sequel to Double or Nothing. The Swan twins and Cullen siblings continue trying to maintain the delicate balance of life lived between the human and vampire worlds... even as disaster strikes.

17. Chapter 15: Pressure

Soooo, confession and apology time.

My November was not as productive as I was hoping it would be. As you may or may not be aware, there has been a lot of drama associated with NaNoWriMo in the last year or so, certainly in the last few months, and although I thought I could ignore it, it sort of took away my enthusiasm for the event. I also had some life stuff going on, and decided fairly last minute to cosplay for a convention I went to this past weekend, so that prep took some of my focus away from writing. Realistically, finishing DoD in under two months was always ambitious, and I'm just glad I managed to finish another chapter for you all this month. I will do everything I can to get you another update before the end of the year, and beg your forgiveness for not being able to do my usual post-November weekly posts this year.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this chapter (as much as one can enjoy THIS chapter!)

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Chapter 15: Pressure

The slow march of time had continued unabated while my entire worldview was getting upended, and it was Spring Break once again. I couldn't decide if it was ironic or deeply depressing that I once again found myself being hunted by a vampire. At least this time there was no mad dash across several states, no circuitous subterfuge or heart wrenching goodbyes.

Instead, there was just the endless effort to appear halfway normal in front of my father long enough to escape to La Push. Charlie spent Sunday with Bonnie while Beau and I pretended to hang out with Jules – pretended, because she was busy running the line for most of the day and could only check in every now and then. Edythe had fabricated a call from her boss asking her to come help with some of the clean-up from the burst pipe; supposedly driving to Seattle and back gave her a good excuse to be home late if anything happened, though of course we knew she would just be parking her car off a secluded side road and doing her own patrols. She called Beau every few hours, but there was never anything new to report. There was some debate about whether Victoria might have caught Edythe's scent and got spooked; since no one had seen any concrete sign of her, it was impossible to say.

First Beach was less claustrophobic than the hotel room in Phoenix, but the sense of frustration and fear was exactly the same. Just like before, I was stuck simply waiting for someone else to tell me what was happening. And this time, there was no one there to force me to be calm or look into the future for me, so the anxiety was ten times worse.

It didn't help that my brother was still in a foul mood and didn't seem inclined to distract me with useless chatter – not that there was much he could talk about, since we were spending every waking hour together and there was no school to provide gossip or other diversions. Being away from Beau for so much of our lives had always made me grateful for the time we did spend together, but now, for the first time, I found myself resenting his presence. The times when Jules was around became even more precious; at least when she was there, someone was smiling.

Jules remained impressively optimistic, even as all the chasing and tracking continued to be fruitless and I could see her getting more and more tired. Even with the shift schedule, it seemed none of the Quileutes were getting enough sleep, and their shared mental space was only compounding the problems.

On Tuesday afternoon, she followed behind the truck on her bike when I went to work. Beau was back at the house, having a 'date day' with Edythe – at least, that's what he'd told our dad. There were only so many times Charlie was going to buy the excuses we'd been feeding him about what she was doing, and it made it easier to convince him into another dinner at Bonnie's; my brother had barely finished his request for some privacy before Charlie was nodding, eyeing me in a way he probably thought was subtle.

McKayla noticed my shadow, and it took her less than five minutes to comment on it.

"Is that the girl from La Push who you guys went to the movies with? She's a sophomore, right?"

"Yeah," I replied cautiously, not sure what she was getting at.

She looked down at her nails, making an excellent show of acting like she didn't care about what I had to say. "Jeremy said you two were pretty… cosy that night."

My spine stiffened, and I put all my focus on making sure the counter was organised, even though I could see almost instantly that everything was where it should be. Deflection, I decided, was my best course of action. "Since when are you and Jeremy talking again? I thought he was dead to you these days."

McKayla dropped the pretence of disinterest and gave me an arch look. "Don't try to change the subject, Bella. You've barely talked to any of us for months, but all of a sudden, you seem to be spending all your free time with that girl. What gives?"

"Am I not allowed to have other friends, Kay?" I challenged, and I saw a flicker of surprise go across her face. I couldn't blame her; I'd hardly shown this much passion for anything in a long time. "Look, Jules is a good friend, practically family, really. I enjoy spending time with her, and I don't see how that's any of your business."

McKayla bristled and looked like she was going to say something else, but then she just pursed her lips and marched off to the other side of the store. I felt a twinge of guilt, but it went away as quickly as it had come. After all, what would happen if I tried to hang out more with her, or any of my other purely human friends? Most likely there'd be a repeat of our disastrous zombie movie trip, or it would be just like our lunch table every day – me not talking, and everyone else filling up the silence. I'd have to invite Jules just to make it bearable; that, or she'd be watching from a distance anyway. No, while there was such clear and present danger in my life, it was probably better for me to keep my distance from McKayla and the rest. They wouldn't understand, of course, but honestly, only Angela's friendship would be that great of a loss.

I'd forgotten about McKayla and her prickly attitude by the time I got back home that night. It was strange not to have anything to do for an hour or two before we headed down to La Push; Beau and Edythe were still out, Charlie was parked in front of the TV decompressing from his own work shift, and Jules had already warned me she wouldn't be coming over, since it would look weird for her to stop by when we were going to her house later. I couldn't help glancing out of my window as I puttered around my bedroom, wondering if it was her or someone else on watch and trying to catch a glimpse of fur in the trees outside. But there was no sign of anyone.

Eventually, I sat down at my desk and pulled my journal out. I flicked through – avoiding certain pages, as usual – and ended up back at my last entry, the quick note I'd made about Edythe coming to visit. Almost without thinking about it, I picked up a pen and started twisting it back and forth between my fingers, debating what exactly I should write. Could any words really capture everything that had happened, everything that had changed, in such a brief span of time? I took my time inscribing the date just to get something on the page, and with just that simple movement of the pen, I finally found the words.

So, my best friend is a werewolf now.

I paused at the end of that first sentence, staring at each letter in turn. I hadn't really been focusing on that stark fact; the same way I'd once avoided 'vampire', I'd now begun to subconsciously shy away from 'werewolf'. Yet it felt weirdly freeing to write it down, to finally admit to myself that there was a new layer of supernatural strangeness in my life.

Like a dam opening, the words flowed at last. I wrote everything, from meeting Laurent in the woods and my first sight of the pack, through the confrontations in my room and out in the woods, all the madness at Sam's house, and finishing with the last few days of strange tension with my brother. The more I wrote, the lighter my shoulders felt, and I realised the unintended benefit of the process. My parents might have only expected me to make myself a record of my senior year, but they had unwittingly given me an outlet for all the thoughts and emotions that I couldn't share without the risk of being committed. Of course, actual therapy would probably have been more effective, but this made a reasonable substitute. At the same time, though, writing about Jules made me miss her all the more. A small, annoying voice in the back of my head pointed out that this was getting unhealthy, but I shushed it quickly.

At this moment, writing also ate up a good chunk of time, so much that I lost track of how much I had; I'd been about to start adding a picture to go with my entry when Charlie was suddenly knocking on my door, saying it was time to go. I quickly put the book away and followed him downstairs, eager to get back to my new obsession. My borderline eager movement got me a confused, wary look from my dad, but he didn't comment.

It was a pleasant enough evening, even though Beau's absence felt like a gaping hole and every mention of Edythe made someone's spine stiffen. The atmosphere was actually helped by Sam and Emily showing up after dinner, with Emily bearing a phenomenal chocolate cake that had her in Charlie's good graces after the first bite. The two of them were cheerful, casual and personable, and I could practically see my father being won over. Any worries I might have managed to put in his mind about gangs in La Push were quickly being banished.

Jules and I used the jovial chatter as cover to slip out to the garage for some privacy. We sat in the Rabbit, the slight chill in the air offset by the warmth radiating off of Jules as she leaned her head back, her eyes drifting closed seemingly without her permission.

"Do you want me to go so you can get some sleep?" I whispered, guilt stabbing through my gut again.

"No, no, don't be silly," she insisted, forcing her eyes open. "I'll get caught up, eventually."

She patted my hand absentmindedly, the heat flaring across my skin with each touch.

I flexed my fingers. "You still feel like you've got that fever. Is that just… how you are now?"

"Yeah, that's a wolf thing." She shrugged nonchalantly. "Running a constant one-oh-nine has its uses. It's kind of cool to be able to go out in all weathers in just a tank and shorts. One of the better parts of all this."

"What other good things are there?" I wondered, remembering again the dichotomy of gift and burden that Bonnie had spoken of the other day.

"We heal fast," Jules said, the beginnings of a grin pulling up the side of her mouth. "That one's helpful, for sure. Wanna see?" She popped open the glove compartment and dug around for a minute, retrieving a pocket knife.

"Absolutely not!" I protested before she could reveal the blade. "Do you want me to pass out? Because that's all that's going to happen if you start bleeding."

Jules chuckled, seeming unperturbed by my reaction, but thankfully put the knife away. "Alright, alright. But yeah, I've had a few cuts and scrapes from tussling with the guys that would have meant a trip to the doctors before. Definitely a plus to just let it fix itself and not have to try and explain the temperature thing to a panicking nurse."

I hummed in agreement, doing my best not to think about what exactly those 'cuts and scrapes' must have looked like.

"It's kind of cool being so tall, too," Jules went on, filling the silence when I didn't offer any further comment. "Even if it does make me look like kind of a freak next to the other girls at school. The guys could pass it off as a kind of aggressive puberty, but that doesn't work as well for me."

"You've been getting taller for a while," I mused, remembering her unexpected arrival at our prom last June; Beau and I had both noticed how she'd shot up, reaching nearly my brother's shoulder in flat shoes. That memory was a little too close to some more painful ones, so I quickly distracted myself. "Is that one of the signs? You guys seem pretty sure Quil is joining soon – is that how you tell?"

Her expression grew sombre. "Yeah, that's one of the first signs. Growing like crazy, the heat, and getting more irritable and aggressive. Quil's grandpa says he's seen all of it the last month or so, which means it probably won't be long now. It's hard to pinpoint the timing exactly. You just have to watch for the build-up of everything before…"

She trailed off, staring unseeingly into the dark shed around us.

"What's it like?" I whispered. "The first time you…" I couldn't find exactly the word, and the silence lingered so long that I was afraid she wouldn't answer. But eventually, she began speaking, her voice low and the words coming slowly, haltingly.

"I think it was worse for me than the others… for a couple reasons. The big one was no one was paying attention to me, looking out for those signs, you know? Because there's never been a girl in the pack before, so they didn't think I'd change. Even Mom wasn't expecting it. And then, we think maybe it might have come on sooner if I hadn't been so happy… if you and I hadn't been having so much fun." She gave me a wry smile, finally meeting my eyes again. "But then I got back from seeing that stupid movie, and I was thinking about our talk… about everything we didn't get to say… and Bonnie just asked me what was wrong, and that was it. I exploded – literally. Almost tore the house apart, and God knows what I would have done to her if I hadn't been so shocked about suddenly being a giant dog."

The obvious attempt at a joke fell completely flat; she looked far too disturbed, as if thinking of all the things that could have happened. Emily's scars flashed behind my eyes again, and I shuddered a little.

"Is it really awful?" I asked. "I mean, does the bad stuff outweigh all those good things?"

To her credit, Jules gave the question the thought it deserved. "It's… not terrible. It's better now that you know – that makes it easier for sure. Mostly it's just awkward. I mean, you saw what I did to my clothes the other day."

"What?" I frowned, then my eyes popped wide as realisation hit. "Oh! You mean you were…"

"Totally naked? Yeah." She laughed weakly. "I've seen parts of the guys that I never wanted to see, and keeping any illusion of privacy is pretty hard. Not to mention practically sharing a brain with all of them gets really confusing. Mom keeps saying I'm taking tomboy to a whole new level." Then she got serious again. "To be honest, I mostly get scared of losing it like that again. It's like… the wolf is part of me, but it's also not me at the same time. So I worry that one day it's going to take over completely. And there's always the worry that the people I love aren't safe around me."

She reached over to take my hand, and I felt a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach at her clear implication.

"Is it really hard to make the separation?" I asked, hoping to distract her.

"It was when I started," she admitted. "It's getting easier. Faster for me than the others."

"Why's that?" I wondered.

"Probably in my genes," she said with another half-shrug. "Obviously you know Ephraim Black was in the last pack, and one of the others was Quil Ateara." She saw my confused look and clarified. "Quil the second. The one you know is Quil the fifth, and he's my second cousin. His grandpa's sister was my grandmother on my dad's side. Dad took Mom's last name when they got married, partly for the prestige in our family, all of which stems from the pack, whether everybody knows it or not. Anyway, I'm descended from wolves on both sides, so honestly, I'm not surprised it did something weird like making me the first female wolf. I never had much of a chance, and neither does Quil."

"So it is genetic," I murmured.

Even as quiet as I spoke, Jules heard me and smirked. "You had theories, did you?"

I shrank in on myself, embarrassed. "We were talking… Beau and I and Edythe. She met your great grandfathers when they were here before, but we couldn't work out how the… werewolves had come back."

Her eyes went steely, as I'd both feared and expected they would when I mentioned Edythe. "It's her that caused it too, though. Her and the rest of them. The more vampires there are, the more of us there are, too. Even with most of them leaving, the ball was already rolling on too many of us." She shook herself slightly, and my happy Jules came back, just a bit. "Anyway, I'm glad we can put it all to good use now, helping catch this redhead for you."

I cringed at her choice of wording. "I never asked you to."

"You don't have to ask, Bella. I'm not going to leave you unprotected when I have the power to help."

Her tone was almost an admonishment, and I didn't know how to respond. My throat felt like it was closing up with a mix of embarrassment, gratitude, and some other deep emotion that I couldn't quite identify. An errant thought crossed my mind – that Edythe and Jules would probably be horrified to know they were mirroring each other, both trying to convince me that they really didn't mind risking their lives to defend mine. My hand instinctively curled tighter around hers, and she squeezed back gently.

"You never told me how you got this badass scar," she said softly, her thumb running over the cold curve of my skin.

I made a sound that was almost a laugh but didn't have any humour at all. "Well, I couldn't really explain it before. I was still keeping the big secret."

"Oh yeah? It's a vampire thing?" She pulled my hand up to examine the scar more closely. Then horror suddenly whisked away her amusement, the lightness she's obviously been hoping to bring back to the conversation.

I could read the question on her face easily. "Yeah, it's what you think it is."

"Who?" she asked, her tone flat and dangerous. Her shoulder twitched, and that sinking sensation was back in my stomach.

But I'd brought it up, and now I had to be honest. "James. I guess you heard most of the story from Sam the other day, but… yeah. This part didn't exactly come up naturally."

"I knew you got hurt," she murmured. "But… God, he got that close? Wait…" Her eyes came up to meet mine again, narrowing. "If he bit you, shouldn't you be…"

"Dead or a vampire?" I finished for her, my voice shaking. "Yeah. But Edward got James off me before he could drain me, and then he sucked all the venom out so it didn't… start anything else. So he saved me twice."

It was too much, and I wished desperately that I hadn't let the conversation go this far. The memories were too strong, and the tatters of my torso were stinging like crazy. I wrapped my free arm around me as tightly as I could, doing my best to draw air into lungs that were full of holes.

But I wasn't the only one taking deep breaths. Jules was shaking more violently, shudders running down the length of her body even as she clearly tried to control them. Fear flared as the car itself began to shake, and I flinched at the thought of the huge russet she-wolf suddenly bursting forth in the tiny Rabbit.

"It's okay, Jules," I said, doing my level best to sound soothing even in my own overwrought state. "James is gone now. He's paid for everything he did and he can't hurt me anymore."

"Right," she huffed, taking another heavy draw of air and finally brought the shaking under control. "One problem dealt with. Wish your other friends had got rid of his psycho bitch girlfriend at the same time, though."

"Yeah," I sighed, tightening my arm a little.

"You keep doing that," Jules commented, sounding more like herself again.

"Hmm?"

"That thing with your arm," she clarified, reaching across to tug gently on the arm in question. "You wrap yourself up like you're cold or something. Only it usually happens when you're upset. What's up with that?"

I bit my lip, debating if I should admit this even to her and once again struck by how closely she was watching me to pick up on that little habit; not even Beau had called me out on it. But for all she was outwardly calm, I had a feeling the wolf was looming just out of sight and she could probably use the distraction of my issues over her own.

"All this… Victoria and everything else… it's making me remember a lot of stuff… it feels like… like I'm going to go to pieces at any minute. So I have to hold myself together."

"Is it the fear coming back? Because like you said, that leech can't hurt you anymore." Her expression was all concern, any lingering shudders completely stopped now as she focused totally on me with an intensity that was almost uncomfortable.

I shook my head. "That's part of it, but… it's any memory. Anything that links back to Edward, to the Cullens…" I had to close my eyes as the names stung, like scatterings of salt against the edges of all the wounds in my chest. "I had to do… a lot of work to be ready for Edythe coming back, and having her here has actually made it easier. But I don't know if this will ever go away completely, this feeling like… like something is missing."

Jules sat in silence for a moment, absorbing it all. I hoped she could hear what I couldn't put words to right now, the things that could never be possible because of all those missing and damaged pieces inside me.

"Well, now I feel like crap," she eventually said, her tone morose. "To think every time I've brought them up, it was hurting you."

"You couldn't help it," I assured her. "It's my damage, not your fault."

Her half smile was sad. "We're both a bit of a mess, huh? Trying so hard to hold ourselves together." She squeezed the hand she still held, the pressure and warmth managing to be comforting even as my chest still ached. "Maybe we can help each other out with that."

And it did feel better, being with her. But we couldn't stay together forever, and eventually I had to say goodnight and go home.

The truck was parked on the curb when we arrived, and as Charlie and I got into the house, Beau was just finishing a phone call on the landline.

"Everything alright?" Charlie asked as Beau hung up, obviously reading the frown on his face.

"Sort of," my brother sighed, moving to lean against the kitchen counter. "Mrs Lamb's cat needs surgery, so she's asked me to work tomorrow. I've said I'll do it, but it means I'll need the truck, Bell."

"That's fine," I said, aiming for nonchalance. "I can always get Jules to come pick me up."

I didn't think there was anything too inflammatory in the conversation, but our dad was frowning heavily. "You sure you want to lose a whole day of your Spring Break like that, kiddo? I mean, how busy is the library going to be on a Wednesday?"

"It's fine, Dad," Beau insisted. "It won't exactly hurt to have the extra money."

Charlie rounded on me. "And you're off to La Push again? You realise you're leaving poor Edythe all on her own, right?"

As if summoned by her name, Edythe appeared at the bottom of the stairs. "No need to worry on my account, Charlie. I need to pop back to the city and check on my apartment anyway, I didn't quite get time to stop by there the other day."

It was one of the weaker excuses we'd come up with, but as usual, she delivered it was such confidence that even I almost believed it.

But Charlie was still frowning. "That's a long way to go for such a short visit, honey. You'd spend most of your day driving."

"I have a few other bits of business to take care of," Edythe said breezily. "And I was actually thinking of heading out tonight and staying over there. That way, I can get everything done early and get back here sooner."

"Absolutely not!" My dad's voice was sharper than I had heard it in a long time, much harsher than he ever was with Edythe; Beau, meanwhile, was staying out of the conversation and honestly looked a bit spaced out. I could feel my own frown forming, my attention suddenly focused on my brother.

"Charlie, it's really fine," Edythe insisted. "I've already packed and everything."

Charlie was adamant. "It's way too late for you to be heading out now, Edythe. You wouldn't get there until after midnight and you've been out all day." He shook his head determinedly. "No. I know you're an adult and I'm not your dad, but I'm responsible for you while you're under my roof. Your parents would be horrified if they knew I let you put yourself at risk like that."

I wasn't sure if it was just very good acting or real surprise, but Edythe looked genuinely startled by the outburst. He'd made a reasonable argument – of course, he wasn't to know that Edythe drove Cullen fast and could absolutely cut down the typical four-hour drive to Seattle to two or less – but it was rare to hear our dad talk so much or so passionately about something other than his job.

Charlie softened a little, breaking the stunned silence that had descended. "Sweetie, I don't mean to sound harsh. It's just… well, I think of you as one of my kids, and I wouldn't want Bella or Beau going off like this."

"We did, though," Beau pointed out quietly. "We went running off into the night in a much less stable frame of mind."

"Beau…" I didn't know even as I spoke exactly what I intended to say, but Charlie didn't seem upset by my brother's words.

"Why do you think I'm so set against it?" he said grimly. "I'm never letting you two pull something like that on me, and I'm sorry, Edythe, I'm not having it from you either."

Beau looked like he might start arguing, but Edythe jumped in before he could speak. "You know what, Charlie? You're absolutely right. I'll wait until tomorrow and just head out early. Bella, can you help me get my bags down to the car? I don't want to wake you by banging around in the morning."

"Sure," I replied, still distracted by my brother's odd behaviour; I watched him as I followed Edythe back up the stairs until I could no longer keep him in sight. He didn't move from his position leaning against the counter, and he was staring fixedly down at the floor. Charlie was watching him just as warily.

Upstairs, my room felt oddly spacious, and my distracted brain took a moment to realise why. It took Edythe picking up a pile of fabric from my bed for it to register that her air mattress bed had been put away.

"You're really going?" I asked, unable to hold back the touch of hurt that slipped into my voice.

Edythe put down the bedding and took my hands gently in hers, her expression deeply apologetic. "I wouldn't if it wasn't absolutely necessary. But I've been here nearly two weeks and I desperately need to hunt. Besides, I must be at full strength if I'm going to have any hope of dealing with Victoria, and I can even try to go further afield and pick up her scent. It will be much easier to explain a trip like this getting extended unexpectedly if I need it to. And whatever else I feel about the Quileutes, I'm certain you'll be safe with them."

"I know," I mumbled. "Really, I'm more worried about Beau. He's… well, he's just not been himself the last few days."

Edythe sighed, her own worry clear as day in her black eyes. "Yes, I know what you mean. I had hoped today would make things easier, yet he's refused to talk any time I tried to bring it up. Truly, I've never known him so uncommunicative. I gather something happened at Sam's the other day, but he wouldn't give me any details, just that Paul and Julia got into a fight."

I sat down heavily on the bed. "Paul was being rude about you. Beau and I walked away, but I guess Jules tried to defend us and ended up pushing his temper too far. I think Beau's struggling more than I am with-" I stopped abruptly. The same feeling I'd had when I was talking to Jules about vampires was back – that strange sensation that I was betraying some sacred confidence by telling her this.

"With what?" Edythe sat beside me, a pleading look now on her face. "Please, Bella, help me understand."

I chewed my lip for a moment before the words started tumbling out. "Both of us feel this… split. We're good friends with Jules, and we obviously care about you. You guys are working together, and that's great, but we also know that no one's thrilled about it. So we're left feeling like we have to take sides, which feels wrong."

She nodded slowly. "I can understand why that would be difficult. It probably doesn't help that you've had such negative opinions of the rest of the pack up to this point. For Beau, especially, who has been holding our secret for longer, they've always represented a threat because they seemed to know the truth."

"Exactly," I agreed. "And it seems like he's also having a harder time making the switch to thinking of them as allies. I mean, even though I don't love Paul, the rest of them don't seem so bad now that they're not upsetting my friend. Jules has changed a lot, but she's still Jules, you know? But I guess Beau feels more loyalty to you, so it's making it harder for him to have to spend so much time with them." Realising suddenly how my words could be construed, I was abruptly backtracking. "Not that I don't… I mean I…"

Edythe put her hand over mine with a gentle smile. "I understand what you're saying. You think it's upsetting Beau to be around people who are so openly hostile to someone he loves deeply. You're finding it easier to balance your allegiances because we aren't as close."

"I don't want it to seem like I don't care about you," I said miserably.

"And I don't believe that's the case at all," she assured me, patting my hand. "There are a lot of types of love. Of course, what you and I feel for each other differs greatly from what I share with your brother, just as it differs from the connection you have with Julia. I don't begrudge you for it, or feel rejected, if that's what you're worried about." She sighed heavily, looking down sadly. "Now, if we could just find a solution for Beau…"

"I can try talking to him," I offered. "God knows he's had to be the strong one out of the two of us far too often recently. Maybe it will help him to get it all out in the open and know that I'm not picking them over you, or whatever he thinks is happening."

"I would appreciate that." Her smile now practically sang of gratitude, making her already beautiful face more stunning still. "Perhaps it might be beneficial for him to have some space from me as well."

I wasn't sure if I agreed with that one, but a yawn burst out before I could say anymore, and she insisted on getting on with setting the air mattress back up so I could get to sleep. Once the room was situated again and we'd taken her bag back down to the Impala – a job which didn't really need my help – I was definitely flagging. Both Charlie and Beau seemed distracted as we said our goodnights; the frown creasing our dad's brow had only got deeper while we were upstairs and Beau had retreated to his room, offering me little more than a cursory wave and giving Edythe the shortest possible kiss that I didn't think was entirely to do with our father being less than ten feet away. I added it to the list of things to grill him about tomorrow, hoping my exhaustion-addled brain would remember it.

It was one of my least restless nights in months, probably because I was just that tired; I was still catching up on the sleep I'd lost worrying about Jules and Victoria. Despite all the anxiety bouncing around in my head before I went to sleep, I somehow managed to be nightmare free, and of course Edythe left my room so quietly that I didn't even notice she'd gone. I woke up around seven to find a note in her perfect handwriting left on my bedside table.

Would you mind staying at the library with Beau today? I've asked Sam to keep an eye on both of you, but I'm sure it will make things easier if you're in one place.

Try not to worry too much. I'll be back in two days at the most.

Edythe x

I shot her a text to let her know I'd found the note and would absolutely stay with my brother, then quickly called Jules to pass on the message to her too. Bonnie answered the phone and said Jules was off duty and catching up on her own lost sleep, but that she had other avenues for letting Sam know about the change of plans.

That chore done, I made my way downstairs to get some breakfast, bracing myself for the tension that I was sure would still be humming between the men of the Swan household.

Sure enough, the air fairly crackled when I entered the kitchen. Charlie was already in his uniform, finishing his coffee and appearing to read the newspaper; in reality, his attention was more focused on my brother, his eyes flickering towards Beau every few seconds so that if he really was reading, he couldn't possibly be following the story properly. For his part, Beau was staring morosely into his cereal bowl, eating with almost mechanical regularity. His phone was next to him on the table, which was unusual; Charlie had accepted the necessity of cell phones but disapproved of them being out when dining, so we both typically left them in our rooms or our pockets at meal times.

"Morning," I greeted them, doing my best to sound chipper (and wasn't that just the height of irony).

"Hey," Beau replied, not looking up from his food.

"Morning, Bells." Our father at least had the decency to look at me and offer something resembling a smile. "Sleep well?"

"I did, actually. Hey, Beau, when do you have to be at the library?"

"Around eight." He glanced briefly up at the kitchen clock. "I was going to head out as soon as I'm done eating."

"Mind if I join you?"

He shrugged. "Sure, whatever."

"Won't Jules be expecting you?" Charlie wondered, suspicion creeping into his eyes.

"I was just going to tag along while she hung out with Embry, we didn't have any concrete plans. She'll understand. Besides, there's a Calculus test next week that I've not studied nearly enough for. I could use the quiet." I mentally crossed my fingers that the second statement's truth would outweigh the lie I'd started with.

Charlie looked like he wanted to argue, but my brother thankfully came to my rescue, albeit rather grumpily. "Well, it'll definitely be quiet. You better get some food in you quick if you're coming though, I don't want to be late."

I nodded and hurriedly began getting my breakfast together, forgoing the faster options of granola or Pop Tarts in favour of a smaller bowl of cereal, hoping to forestall any comments on my lack of appetite. Charlie left while I was eating, though he lingered so long that he had to gulp the last of his coffee in a rush and practically ran out of the door.

"Call the station if there's another unplanned dinner change," he commented as he left.

I hummed around a mouthful of food and Beau gave a grunt of acknowledgement, his nose now openly buried in his phone. Our father rolled his eyes at both of us and waved goodbye.

And then the awkward silence descended like a steel door slamming shut. Beau and I didn't say a word to each other through all the time it took me to finish my breakfast, or the drive to the library; as soon as we were inside the building, he went about the tasks he had to do to get ready for opening, leaving me hovering in the entryway with my backpack. I thought about offering to help, then decided he probably wouldn't be open to it in this mood. If he was anything like me – and in this aspect, I was certain he was – he needed something to do to keep him busy and get his mind off what was bothering him.

So I found myself an out of the way table and got set up with my Calculus books. I did really need to study for the test, so that ended up taking a good chunk of time. But Math could only hold my attention for so long, and my focus drifted once my brain started getting overloaded. There was no distraction to be found anywhere here, though; Beau was keeping himself occupied with sorting and shelving and cleaning the already pristine library, and not a single other person came in all morning.

Thankfully, I'd given in to the passing whim to toss my journal into my bag as I was packing it, so I pulled that out and started added the drawings I hadn't had time for the night before. I did my best to sketch out the front of Bonnie's house from memory, then squeezed Emily and Sam's place in next to it. A random line scuffed across the bottom of the page by accident evolved into a view of First Beach, with the cliffs rising up the side and blending into the fold of the spine. I really wanted a photo of Jules for the centre of the space, but I hadn't seen Beau use his camera in ages and I didn't like leaving it empty, so I started sketching instead. People, I quickly realised, were much harder than places; I couldn't get my scribbling to really look like Jules, because I just couldn't capture the life that radiated from her as tangibly as her new intense heat. When a section of her hair went a little too far out, I kept following it out until it resolved itself into the outline of pointed ears, a pair of bright, intelligent eyes and a sharp muzzle. In the end, the human face looked as if it were peering out of the fur of the wolf's neck like some strange mutation, or a twisted melding of the two creatures. I sat back and stared at my creation, wondering at the strange places that my instincts liked to take me to.

"Not bad," Beau commented, the suddenness of his voice making me jump even though he hadn't been at all loud.

"Am I the only person who makes noise when they move anymore?" I grumbled, pulling the journal closer to me and covering the writing protectively. "First Jules, now you. At least Edythe has the courtesy to make a sound on purpose so I know where she is."

"Hey, it's not my fault you're chronically inattentive," Beau retorted, flopping into the chair next to me. "Are you writing about all this wolf stuff?"

I felt a defensive tension creep up my spine. "Yeah. Why shouldn't I? This is supposed to be a record of my life and it's part of what's happening to me. Besides, writing everything down has really been helping me sort it out in my head."

"And what if Mom asks to see what you've been doing with her present?" he challenged. "What if she wants to read about what you've been doing this year?"

"I'll tell her it's private, obviously." I narrowed my eyes at him. "I know I've been a mess, but do you really think I'm so far gone that I'd let our mother get mixed up in all this supernatural craziness?"

Beau sighed in exasperation. "Okay, fine, you wouldn't show it to her. But what if you drop it somewhere, or someone takes it out of your bag, or Charlie wanders into your room and starts reading it without knowing what he's looking at? Bell, it's dangerous for you to be keeping a record of all this stuff."

It was one of those moments when he got overbearing and big-brotherly, moments that I had one of two reactions to: I was either touched that he cared, or annoyed at him for interfering. This was indisputably one of the latter.

"I am perfectly capable of keeping my belongings safe and out of view of prying eyes," I told him frostily. "And what do you expect me to do? Not write about my honest experience? This is the one place I can say everything I'm thinking, the one space I have where I don't have to hide or sidestep or make desperate attempts at lying. So yeah, I'm going to write down every detail, no matter how impossible, because the alternative is bottling it all up until I explode."

To his credit, my brother wasn't fazed by my hostility. "We have a responsibility to protect the people we care about, Bella. That's how we do our part – they go out and fight the physical battles, and we help keep the secret. Do you know what kind of trouble it could cause for Edythe and the others if any of this got out?"

"I know," I practically growled, impressing myself with how fierce I sounded. "God, Beau, I hate it when you get like this."

"Like what?" His frown was getting deeper by the second.

"Like you're so superior and worldly. Sitting there telling me things I already know, like I'm a child or something." I folded my arms. "As I always remind you, you are only two minutes older than me. So I'd appreciate it if you got down off that damn high horse you're on and treat me with some respect."

For about a second, I thought he was going to keep arguing. Then he let out a deep sigh, flopped back against the back of his seat, and looked up at the ceiling with an expression so hopeless that it deflated my ire in a heartbeat.

"I'm sorry," he said, so softly I almost didn't hear it. "I'm just…"

His mouth opened and closed a few times, but the words didn't come and the sentence hung unfinished. His desperation was palpable, and I was instantly sympathetic again.

"You're worried," I murmured, reaching out to rest my hand on top of his. "There's danger coming at us from so many different directions, it's hard to keep track. And now Edythe's gone again, and that always puts you in a bad mood."

He looked at me sideways. "Is it that obvious?"

"You were pouting on the first day back at school," I reminded him. "And I know I've been a bit out of it these last six months or so, but I do know how much it hurts you to be away from her. You may be good at keeping secrets for her, but you've never been able to hide how you feel about her."

He hummed in agreement, turning his hand over so we were palm to palm. "It just feels like… like she's the only person I can rely on right now. With everything going on… I'm grateful to the pack, I am, but there's just too much animosity there for me to ever really trust them. And then the rest of the… the family is still being difficult, so there's this sense of betrayal on that side. Edythe's here and she's trying and…" He shook his head, his eyes closed. "Her going away makes me feel like you and I have been left on our own, like we're facing down a raging bull with no way to fight back."

I took a minute to let his words sink in. As I'd told Edythe, I wasn't blind to the ways my brother had been taking way too much responsibility on his shoulders, always trying to be the strong one out of the two of us because I just wasn't in a place to handle it. What I hadn't quite appreciated was how much of that strength he was drawing from outside himself.

"Edythe's coming back," I said, as much to reassure him as myself. "She wouldn't leave if she didn't think we were safe, so she must trust the Quileutes at least that much. I certainly don't feel like she's abandoned us or anything like that."

Beau grimaced. "That's not exactly what I meant. Of course I know she hasn't really left us to fend for ourselves. I just can't shake the feeling that… that I'm the only one left protecting you who actually cares."

I felt my brow furrowing. "What do you mean? Jules cares."

"Sure," he agreed, although there was something behind his eyes that made me think he might be placating me a bit. "But Jules is just one person. She's dragging all the rest of them into protection detail when they'd clearly rather just be on the hunt, and at the end of the day, it's obviously Sam who really calls the shots. If he told her you were no longer the priority, I'm not convinced that she'd be able to stand against him."

I wanted desperately to refute him, but he was speaking almost perfectly to the little anxieties lingering in the back of my mind. Jules had never exactly specified what Sam being in charge meant, but the way his mere presence had stopped the fight the other day had made it pretty clear he had a lot of control over the other wolves. I could hope that whatever Jules felt about me could override it, but there was no way to rely on it, especially when I wasn't able to give her anything in return for her loyalty except my fragile, fractured friendship.

"Like it or not – and I know you don't like it," I said slowly. "Using me as bait to catch Victoria isn't a bad strategy. Sam knows that. And yeah, the extra work keeping me safe is adding a bit more pressure to the whole situation, but until it actively gets in the way of their ultimate goal, I don't see him changing that approach. It's a leap of faith, I know, and I understand it's hard to do with all the hostility flying around. I just don't see any point in adding to that."

Now Beau was the one frowning. "There's a difference between not adding to animosity and turning into the pack's little cheerleader."

I bristled, irritation coming back as quickly as it had melted away earlier. "Is that what you think I'm doing? Just going all in with the wolves and forgetting everything else?"

"Aren't you?" he challenged. "You're sitting there making every excuse under the sun for them. And even before all this started, when was the last time you hung out with anyone besides Jules? Dad may not know all the details, but if even he has noticed you ditching everybody else for her-"

I cut him off. "Jules is the only person who's been treating me like I'm not made of glass. She's figured out my triggers, and she works around them without making a song and dance about it. When I'm with her, I feel the closest thing to happy that I have in months, maybe the nearest I'll get to it ever again. So sue me if I'm defending her or hanging out with her a lot or getting to know her other friends."

My brother's eyes were steely, like two spots of ice. "Those friends of hers happen to be bloodthirsty monsters."

"They wouldn't be the first I've known," I snapped. "And at least they're still here."

"You just pointed out that Edythe is going to be back soon!" he exclaimed, exasperated, then quickly dropped the volume of his voice despite the fact I was sure we were still the only people in the building. "She's still here."

I met his eyes with a stern look of my own. "For now. She can't stay here forever, Beau. Eventually, that leak at her work is going to have to get fixed. Eventually, someone is going to catch Victoria, and once she's not a threat – as you've pointed out – Edythe isn't going to be welcome here for very long. She'll have to go back to her life, to whatever she's been doing for the last six months. And I'm sure you'll get to go with her, which is awesome. Really, I'm so happy for you. But where does that leave me? What happens when you leave me, too? Jules is going to be the only person I have left."

"I wouldn't ever leave you," he said fiercely. "There's no force on Earth that could make me go somewhere you can't follow."

I shook my head at him, a deep sadness welling up in my chest and threatening to choke me. "You shouldn't stay for me, Beau. You're meant to be with Edythe. You're supposed to have a life together, forever. But that isn't my future. I'm not a part of that world anymore. Not on that side."

Abruptly, I had the overwhelming need to be away. I couldn't sit there anymore; the close quiet of the library, an atmosphere that had been so soothing to me for as long as I could remember, was suddenly stifling and claustrophobic. Barely looking at what I was doing, I gathered up my books and my journal, sweeping everything into my bag in a jumbled mess that I was sure to regret later. I stood up stiffly, throwing the strap over my shoulder and avoiding the look of hurt that now painted my brother's face.

"I'm going down to the reservation," I bit out. "Text me when you want to go home."

I marched out without looking back. Beau didn't stop me.

I barely registered the drive to La Push, but for once, it wasn't because I was lost in the numbing haze. On the contrary, my mind was racing. I'd gone into the talk with my brother intending to understand what was going on in his head, to decipher whatever was so awful that he couldn't even talk to Edythe about it. Yet apart from getting a clearer picture of exactly how much he hated the pack, I didn't feel like I'd accomplished anything in that regard. All I had really done was drive the wedge between us even deeper, making the gap yet wider.

What really stung was the way I had heard echoes of McKayla's petty whining in my brother's words. From her, I could dismiss the complaints about not sharing my time out evenly; she didn't understand everything that was going on, and so she couldn't understand how I needed Jules so much more than any of my other friends. But Beau knew everything, he saw everything, and so hearing the same criticism from him somehow made it seem more legitimate. Which was uncomfortable, to say the least, because what could I do it about it? As I'd told Beau, I wasn't about to give up Jules – she was my last bastion of comfort and happiness and even a little bit of hope that I could one day be more than the broken shell I'd become. So I was left with the possibility that holding onto those things meant losing my brother, my twin, the person who – until now at least – had always been on my side.

I was so preoccupied that I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going, and so it was a testament to how often I'd driven this route that I didn't get lost or crash into anything. Oddly enough, my instinct-driven course had taken me not to Bonnie's house, but to Emily's. I realised quickly that it was a good choice. Bonnie wasn't very talkative – probably one of the reasons she got on so well with my father – but I would have felt the need to be social with her, to fill up the silence with the sort of mindless chatter that I just wasn't capable of at the moment.

Emily, on the other hand, was surprised to see me but happy to let me tag along while she did various chores around her little house: fixing here, weeding there, cleaning this, crafting that. There was always something cooking, too, and that job I was at least able to help with. It felt nice to be a little bit useful, and I was even almost laughing as she complained good-naturedly about the appetite the pack was working up with all the extra running.

"They ought to turn into pigs instead of wolves," she commented. "It would suit them better, given the way they practically attack every meal. I swear, all this work is a waste of time. I should just pour slop out in a trough – I'm sure they'd barely notice the difference."

I would have been content to stay there until I needed to go back and pick up Beau, but it was only a couple of hours later that Sam stopped by to check in. I forced myself to stay long enough to establish that someone was still watching my brother, that Jules was alright, and that there had been no new hint of Victoria anywhere, and then I gave in to the need to run away from their concentrated aura of love and happiness; with no one else around to draw my focus, being around them was just too much to handle. They hardly seemed to notice as I made my excuses and left.

So I ended up back on the beach again, wandering aimlessly back and forth as I tried not to worry about the wolves or think about the Cullens or stew over my brother.

Unfortunately, that left me with little to occupy my mind other than the stinging pain in my chest; what with all the talking about and remembering the Cullens I'd done lately, it had become an ever-present background ache, flaring and fading but never subsiding entirely. I hated to admit it, but Edythe returning had been the beginning of it all, and I was almost grateful that I'd seen very little of her over the last few days. Which was an awful thing to think about my friend, and only made me feel worse. Trying to get away from the pain and guilt just led me back to all the other thoughts I was avoiding, which rose up and burst into my awareness like the world's most unpleasant swamp bubbles.

Eventually, the pain was so acute that I had to sit down, my tattered lungs no longer able to take in enough oxygen to keep me upright. I found the nearest patch of pebbles that didn't look completely soaked and curled into a miserable little ball.

Jules found me like that, though I couldn't say for sure how long I had been sitting there by the time she arrived. She didn't ask questions or panic like my brother surely would have; she just sat down beside me and put her arms around me. Being suddenly engulfed in her warmth made me realise just how cold I'd gotten, and the shift took a moment to adjust to. But once I was over the initial shock, it was the most natural thing in the world to loosen my tight hold around my knees and lean into her embrace. My stiff muscles gradually relaxed as I regained the ability to breathe properly. As usual, Jules made everything easier.

"I'm sorry, Bella," she murmured, squeezing me impossibly closer.

I frowned, pulling back enough to see her face more clearly. "What are you sorry for?"

"Your spring break is getting completely wrecked," she pointed out. "You've got to spend all your time here, and I can't even be with you for most of it."

"That isn't your fault," I retorted, my argument not as forceful as I wanted it to be because I was still getting my breath back. "I think spring break may be cursed for me."

"Still, I should at least try to make it more enjoyable for you." A determined glint came into her eyes and her expression took on an air of militancy. "I'll convince Sam to give me a longer stretch off tomorrow, and we'll go do something fun."

"Fun?" The word was almost foreign and felt strange in my mouth; fun wasn't something I did these days.

But Jules was determined. "Yes. We both need a distraction, and now's as good a time as any, while the redhead is still afraid to show her face. The only question is what to do…"

She stared out across the horizon, as if it would provide some sort of inspiration; I followed her gaze but couldn't see anything more than grey clouds hanging over greyer waters, the vague shapes of the islands off the coast just visible through the haze. Yet Jules must have found what she was looking for, because her eyes suddenly lit up and she was grinning.

"Of course! Why didn't I think of it sooner?" She turned her smile on me. "I've got a promise to keep, don't I?"

Confusion once again creased my forehead. "You're assuming I have any clue what you're talking about."

She chuckled, unperturbed, and stretched out one long arm to point towards the tall sheer cliffs that marked the southern edge of the beach. "I've got a promise to keep, don't I? Let's finally go cliff diving."

I could feel the look of scepticism on my face. "Won't it be freezing cold?"

A gust of wind blew across us, illustrating my point perfectly as I shivered in the biting chill.

Jules, who was, of course, completely unaffected, curled her arm more securely around me, sharing her wolf warmth.

"You might find it a little chilly," she allowed. "But I can feel the pressure starting to shift, so I'm pretty sure it will be warmer tomorrow. I can help you keep warm if you need it."

There was something in her tone and her smile that made me quite certain she was thinking of more than a towel, or even a hug like the one we were in. It made me uncomfortable, if only because it highlighted that I still hadn't come to a good conclusion on how I felt about her.

"Beau won't like it," I ventured, as much to distract myself as argue the point. "Nor will Edythe."

"Who says they have to know?" Jules fired back. "Sounded to me like… your friend would be away for a few days, and that'll make it easier for you to sneak past your brother."

Ignoring her blatant avoidance of saying Edythe's name, I pursed my lips as I considered. "I promised Beau no more secrets, and I've already broken that promise once with the bikes. He's going to be furious if he finds out I did another potentially life-threatening thing behind his back."

"He won't find out," Jules insisted. "Besides, I think you're overstating the danger a bit. Kids on the res have been jumping off those cliffs for years and I've never heard of anyone getting hurt beyond a few scrapes. And I'll be there to keep you safe."

She spoke with such authority that it was hard to doubt her. Then again, perhaps I wanted a bit of danger. It had been too long since I had heard Edward's voice, and with all the more painful memories recently, I was desperately missing my gentle delusion. I looked at the cliffs again: sheer walls of rock, taller than they had seemed before now that I was looking at them from beach level, not to mention the choppy, almost black water at their base. It did not look inviting in the slightest.

But the drop would definitely be exhilarating.

"Alright," I finally agreed. "Let's do it."

Jules' smile was as bright as any sun, though it was broken moments after it appeared by an enormous yawn. I realised abruptly just how deep the shadows under her eyes had become, and pulled out of her embrace to scramble to my feet.

"Right now, we need to get you some sleep," I said, doing my best to sound firm and authoritative. "You'll be no good at protecting me from my own bad luck if you're running on fumes."

The grin was back as she stood. "Aw, sweetie, I didn't know you cared so much."

I rolled my eyes at her cheek and began leading the way to the truck. I had to admit, it felt good to be taking care of someone – to have the capacity to look beyond my own wellbeing and make sure someone else was alright. It was just a small thing, but I enjoyed feeling like the caretaker again after all these months of being coddled.

I picked Beau up at the end of his shift as I'd promised; the atmosphere between us was still tense, and we didn't talk at all on the way home. Charlie couldn't help but notice, but was either unwilling or unable to find the words to intercede. As we ate, he commented awkwardly on the fact that Edythe wasn't back yet and whether we should expect her to come in late; Beau fed him a line about her chores around the apartment taking longer than she had expected and that she'd decided to stay in Seattle overnight.

"She said she'll set off early again tomorrow, so I was thinking I'd just wait around here until she gets back," he explained, staring into his dinner as he spoke.

Charlie made vague affirmative noises. "Well, I'm out early to keep combing the woods. We've had no more bodies show up or people go missing, but those animals may still be out there."

My breath hitched and my hand tightened around my fork at the reminder that my dad was going out and putting himself in danger too. But everyone seemed convinced that Victoria had gone away for now – I would just have to hope that it stayed that way.

"You going to wait here for Edythe too, Bells?" Charlie asked in a too casual tone that told me he was definitely fishing for something. When I glanced up, he was watching me carefully.

This was not ideal; I was a famously terrible liar at the best of times, even when I wasn't struggling to control my reaction to the thought of my family in mortal danger. I almost said yes, just because it would be a short and easy answer. But my logical mind kicked in just in time and I found myself rattling off a half-truth without really thinking about what I was saying.

"Actually, I was going to hang out with Jules again. She's found a new trail that she wants to show me." I spotted the look forming on my dad's face and quickly tried to head off the obvious objection. "It's nowhere near any of the sightings or anything. We'll be safe, I promise."

Charlie still didn't look happy, but to my surprise, he didn't argue it further. Perhaps he'd finally realised that he preferred a daughter addicted to spending time with only one friend over one that was barely alive.

I volunteered for dish duty after dinner, and Beau hovered in the kitchen on the pretence of helping me clear the table while our father retired to the living room as usual. Once the sound of the TV was echoing down the hall, my brother finally spoke, keeping his voice low just in case.

"Are you hiking or biking tomorrow?" he asked as he shifted some of the pots and pans to a spot where I could reach them more easily from the sink.

I shrugged, deliberately keeping my focus on the plate I was scrubbing and hoping it was a good enough cover for not meeting his eyes. "I'm not sure. Jules said she feels bad for not being around the last few days, so she got Sam to give her some time off. She's got a plan, but she just said it would be fun."

"When do you think you'll be back?" he pressed.

"I don't know, Beau," I replied, letting a bit of my exasperation show through. "Dinner at the latest, alright?"

"Fine." His voice was dull now, almost reminiscent of mine before the great reawakening back in January.

"Why do you even care?" I grumbled, almost too quiet for him to hear. "You'll be with Edythe again by then."

Beau stopped in his tracks, halfway out of the kitchen arch, and turned back to face me fully. His expression was fierce and serious and not a little overwhelming.

"I will always care about you, Bella," he said, his tone holding the distinct ring of a promise. "Nothing and no one will ever change that."

He walked away without another word, and I dimly heard him make an excuse to retreat into his room. Guilt stabbed me in the gut like a knife of pure ice at the knowledge that I was betraying his trust once again. Yet there was too much pull from the thought of Jules' warmth, of Edward's voice, for me to go back on my plans now. My drugs were calling to me, and I needed my fix before the withdrawal drove me insane.

And really, what was one more wound in the grand scheme of my ruined torso?

Still, the knife blade was back as I crept as stealthily as I could out of the house the next morning. I put on my hiking boots just in case either of the boys caught me, and hoped they wouldn't question what I had in my backpack; even if it was warmer, I doubted we'd be donning swimsuits (not that I could even say for sure where mine was) so I'd packed a change of clothes and a towel, not wanting to sit in wet jeans after all was said and done. The roar of the truck made me cringe as it broke the stillness of the early morning air, but the cruiser was already gone and Beau didn't emerge despite all the noise.

As I got closer to La Push, something like excitement began to build in my stomach, eclipsing the more unpleasant sensations. I focused my attention on that feeling, on the anticipation of what was to come, and did my best to ignore the rest.

It had got to a point that I hardly ever had to go to the door of the Blacks' house, since Jules could hear me coming a mile off. Today, however, there was no sign of her; a moment of concern flickered through me before logic quickly stepped in and reminded me she was running on empty and was probably using some of her time off to get some extra sleep in. She certainly deserved it and I wouldn't begrudge her the time, especially if it let the warm weather set in more securely. The dense grey cloud cover worried me at first, but when I stepped out of the truck, I could feel that she had been right yesterday about the pressure change. It would never be balmy – this was Forks after all – but I felt safe shucking off my sweater and going out in just a long-sleeved t-shirt. I left my bag behind too as I crossed the little yard to knock as quietly as I could on the door.

Bonnie called me in by name, obviously having been warned to expect me, and I found her calmly eating cereal at the kitchen table.

"Morning, honey," she said, smiling slightly.

"Hey, Bonnie. Is Jules still in bed?"

The smile dropped, and she looked suddenly apprehensive. "About that…"

My stomach plummeted into my shoes. "Oh no, don't tell me…"

She was apologetic at once. "She wanted me to tell you she's really sorry for skipping out, but the overnight shift picked up a new trail around first light and Sam called for all hands on deck. He's pretty sure she's got herself in a spot where they can trap her against the mountains and finally put an end to all this."

I was shaking my head before she could finish, and my throat tightened abruptly in panic. The thing I'd been most dreading had come to pass after all.

Bonnie saw me spiralling and was quick to attempt reassurance. "They're going to be alright, Bella. We've preserved every technique they need to know, hundreds of years of knowledge passed through the generations for situations just like this. They've taken down one vampire already, and no matter how sneaky this other one is, they'll get her eventually. Especially when she's more focused on getting to you than fighting with them."

I wasn't comforted, despite her efforts. I might not know as much about Victoria as Jules gave me credit for, but I only had to summon up my few memories of her to know that she was deadly and determined. Just like James, there would only be so much dancing around avoiding a confrontation before she found a way to get around my protectors – or decided to go through them after all. Not to mention another enormous concern about her being back near town.

"Charlie's out there," I choked out, feeling the strain of lack of air setting in.

Bonnie's dark eyes turned sympathetic instantly. "Sam seemed certain the rangers weren't anywhere near where she is. Your dad and the others are sticking closer to town, and the boys were on a deep run when they crossed the scent. Most likely, they won't get close to each other."

I knew this was meant to be positive, but without a definitive certainty that my father would be safe, I still wasn't calmed. The tiny house suddenly felt claustrophobic, and I had the urge to be away as fast as possible.

"If Jules comes back, tell her I'll be at the beach," I said, using up the last of my air, then turned and hurried out before she could stop me.

I was gasping by the time I got back in the truck, and I fumbled the keys twice before I gave up and got out to walk. I wanted the haze again; sure, it wasn't very responsible to be on foot without a sidewalk while unaware of the road, but I'd sunk into waking unconsciousness before and got where I wanted to go. Besides which, the way I was freaking out wasn't very safe either. Although I didn't manage to fully numb myself, I somehow made it to First Beach in one piece and without completely losing it. The warm closeness of the day, before a comfort, was now an unpleasant pressure, lacking even a breath of wind, though as I looked up, I saw that the clouds were rolling over each other and thickening rapidly; the downside of high-pressure systems was that they could so easily turn into storms. I'd been right to worry before. Layers of grey, black and purple passed over each other, an ominous match to my mood.

I knew as soon as I arrived that the beach was the wrong place to be. It just reminded me of what I should be doing, and why I wasn't doing it, not to mention bringing me back to the miserable hours I'd already spent here over the last few days. I made a beeline for a huge piece of driftwood, an entire tree beached in one piece and bleached almost white by layer upon layer of sea spray and rain, just so I wouldn't start wandering aimlessly again. I propped myself up against the lattice of roots at one end, watching the sky and waiting for the inevitable downpour.

My mind was churning even more than the ugly maelstrom in the sky. I almost resented Bonnie; in a single sentence, she'd taken me from tentative hopefulness tinged with anxiety to a full-blown panic attack. Everyone I loved was in danger – Charlie was out in the woods with a vampire on the loose, Jules had gone to face her head on, and if all the wolves were together on the hunt, then no one was protecting Beau. I had no clue where Edythe was, and I both hoped and feared that she might have caught the same trail and be providing the pack with some kind of back-up. But of course, that would put her in the firing line too, and how could I stand that?

Abruptly, I was struck by the unfairness of it all. So much had been taken from me already; it seemed like the greatest cosmic injustice for the universe to try to snatch away what little I had left like this. Was this my penance, my punishment for all the deceit and broken promises? Or was this just what happened to any person who dived into the world of the supernatural like I had, so ready to forsake everything in the human world? Had I cursed myself, and by extension, everyone around me?

No. I couldn't think that way. Not if I wanted to retain whatever shred of my sanity I still had left. I had to believe everything that I was being told, by Edythe and Jules and Bonnie, that everyone was capable of facing down the threats that loomed and would be alright in the end.

I stood up from the log without consciously deciding to do so; the stillness was suffocating, and I had to move. Even as I began marching back up the beach, it felt like I was on an island of inaction, caught in the middle of a chaotic ocean. Pebbles clattered against each other in my wake, the actual ocean waves smashed more forcefully and frequently into the rocks not far away, and in the sky above, the clouds churned ever faster and ever darker, like a hoard of angry snakes sliding over one another in a futile quest for escape. Yet I was undisturbed, not so much a breeze to blow my hair around. There was only the pressure, and a faint feeling like static electricity building in the air and crackling across my skin.

My eyes followed the roll of the waves out further, to where they became more violent as they battered the base of the cliffs, which stood as a great rocky razor against the darkening sky. Gazing up at them, I was caught in a memory, of seeing those cliffs from the road above, watching Sam and the others fling themselves off the top back when they were just the scary gang with high-minded ideas about protecting the tribe, but who made my friend's skin crawl every time they looked at her. I wasn't thinking about Jules and her terror now, though. Now I remembered only the fall, the sharp angles of the boys' bodies as they sliced through the air. My imagination filled in what it must have felt like, the rush of wind, the sensation of being at the mercy of gravity and air resistance… the way that awful, wonderful, furious voice that I loved so much would have yelled at me the whole way down. My chest burned, somehow more acute than usual, and I realised I'd bought into the idea that I would hear that voice today so thoroughly that it hurt all the worse to have the opportunity snatched away from me like this. I was on the verge of collapse once again, weaker than I had been in weeks, and I needed another way to make it stop. I glared at the waves and the cliffs, as if they were responsible for my pain.

A moment later, I came up short, almost slipping with the sharpness of my own sudden stop. Because like a bolt out of the blue, it came to me. Why did I have to find another way? Why couldn't I try this way?

I'd been promised a morning of cliff diving. Why should I give that up just because my intended guide wasn't here? If anything, I needed the distraction even more – all my spiralling thoughts had proven that. My mind was made up almost as soon as I'd given it the choice, and I hurried as fast as I could back to the road and back to Bonnie's to get the truck.

The road up to the clifftop wasn't hard to find, having been there before, but I had to go back and forth a few times before I found the turnoff that took me to the actual edge that would serve as my diving board. This soon turned out to be a path too small to drive down, so I parked up and continued on foot. As I marched determinedly through the trees, I looked carefully for forks or branches in the beaten ground ahead that would show me the way down to one of the lower jumping points Jules had talked about, knowing that was where she'd likely intended to take me. But no alternative presented itself, and the further I went, the more I had to admit to myself that really, it was the top that I wanted to find. Every image I was holding and replaying in my head featured that long, dizzying drop where there would be time to truly take in the fall and enjoy it. Finally, the dirt path ended, bringing me to a wide stone peak, the ground breaking off suddenly in a jagged line. Up this high, I could at last feel the wind and the first few droplets of rain that had begun to fall.

Despite the turn in the weather, a smile spread across my face. It was still a foreign sensation, but I couldn't help it, knowing what was coming next. There was nothing that fit the definition of reckless, stupid, dangerous and exhilarating more than this. My formula for Edward's voice could not have been more complete, and the stinging in my chest was already fading, as if in anticipation of its arrival.

I moved closer to the edge, noting how distant the water sounded and sparing a thought to the likely temperature that made my smile waver, but only for a moment. Nothing was going to hold me back now. Still, I didn't look down as I found the lip of the clifftop, focusing my attention on the empty air in front of me as I inched forward until I could no longer feel solid ground beneath the toe-tip of my shoes. I stopped there, waiting.

"Bella."

My breath came out in a rush, and the last lingering prickles of pain went with it. The wind had picked up, and I was getting wet, but the joy of having him here with me again made it feel like standing under a warm shower after a cold winter's day. My name had been laced with disapproval, of course – that was how I remembered it most clearly.

For the first time ever, I answered him on purpose, though I still wasn't brave enough to speak out loud. Can I help you, Edward?

"Don't do this." He was begging now, another tone I knew well. "You promised me…"

You left, I reminded him. You broke your promise. But you wanted me to have a life, and this is what I'm choosing to do with it.

He wasn't dissuaded. "Please. For me."

There's no other way to make you stay.

"Please!" He was desperate now, and yet fading, the wind snatching his voice away as it whipped around me, throwing water into my face and leaving me soaked, like I'd been in the water already. I had the sense I was running out of time, that I needed to flood my system with adrenaline now for my little irresponsible cocktail to have the right effect.

I lifted my heels, so all my weighted rested on the thin line of the cliff edge.

"Stop, Bella!" He was back at full force again, and angry now. Such beautiful anger – I'd hated it when he was here in the flesh, but now it was like music.

I tipped my head back, letting the rain wash over my face, and lifted my arms over my head as if poised to dive. But some tiny spark of instinct wouldn't let me go headfirst into unknown waters; I was too well trained, and I knew the first jump should be feet first. My knees bent just a little, I let my weight rock forward more…

And I launched myself into the open air.

There was a split second, too short to really appreciate, where I hung suspended, no ground below my feet to hold me up. Then gravity took over, and I plummeted downward. The scream that left my lungs was not planned, but it also wasn't scared. It was a shriek of pure joy and exhilaration. The drop was everything I had hoped for and more, as the wind snatched at my clothes, fighting valiantly to keep me in the air, all to no avail. All I could think was Yes! as I plunged into the water, the cold of it only adding to the rush.

I was smug as I descended, enjoying the beginnings of that unique weightlessness that came from being entirely submerged underwater. In the end, I'd felt no fear at all, only that surge of excitement and adrenaline. I could already picture the look that would be on Jules' face when I told her what I'd done, how I hadn't needed her at all.

Then the current caught me.

I'd noticed the water, of course. But from the beach, I hadn't really appreciated just how vicious the waves were. Not to mention I'd had time on my hike up to forget about them, preoccupied with thoughts of the jump and the fall. Yet here, I realised far too late, was where the real danger lay.

I was suddenly a toy being fought over by a crowd of unruly children. It felt as if hands grasped me from every direction, each yanking by turns, first one way, then the other; the only resolution was surely to tear me apart so that they could all have a piece. I'd been taught about riptides and could even remember how I was supposed to get away from one – swim parallel to the shore rather than try to fight my way back to land. But I was so deep and so turned around by all the spinning that I had no concept of where I was anymore. I didn't know which direction the beach was in. I didn't even know which way was up.

The water stung my eyes, making it even harder to make out anything in the blackness that surrounded me. There was no wink of daylight to hint at the surface, no drag of gravity to warn of the depths, just spinning and pulling and constant disorienting motion that made me wish fervently that I'd stayed on that still, close, claustrophobic beach. All I could do was keep my mouth tight shut, so I could at least hold on to a little last store of oxygen.

The one saving grace was that Edward was still with me. He hadn't completely abandoned me yet – he had the decency to stay by my side as I died. It wasn't the first time I'd been certain of my death, and I was certain of it now. There was no miraculous rescue coming this time – I was going to die.

"Swim, Bella!" he ordered sharply. "Keep swimming!"

I don't know where to go. There was nowhere to go. There was nothing but black, nothing but water. The entire world was dark, deep water, and there was nothing else to go towards.

"Stop it!" Edward snapped. "You can't give up!"

I was feeling the cold now too. The hands had stopped yanking, or at least I was so numb I couldn't feel them; I was just whirling and twirling over and over like a top on its side, getting more and more dizzy by the second.

But even now, I couldn't ignore him. I mustered every bit of strength and feeling that remained and made myself kick and reach and pull, though I could hardly be going anywhere with how much I was changing direction. Why was I bothering with this? What was the point?

"Fight, Bella!" my delusion demanded, furious and desperate in equal measure. "You have to keep fighting!"

Why? I wondered. Giving up was so much easier. I was starved for air and freezing to the point of senselessness, but that made it better. Suddenly, I felt peaceful, almost happy, and as my muscles failed me and everything began to fade away, I didn't feel afraid. This wasn't a van hurtling towards me with its brakes screeching like a banshee; this wasn't my head broken open and my blood pouring across a wooden floor as a monster hovered over me; this wasn't the terror of looking into dark eyes, knowing their owner wanted to drain my very life from me. This death wasn't scary at all.

I waited for the old cliché, for the last review of my life to flash before my eyes before it was over and I was on to whatever came next. But that didn't happen, and I was grateful. I didn't need to see my family or my friends or my mistakes.

I got him instead.

He'd been buried deep in my subconscious, but he had never been let go, and now he returned in every perfect detail. That pale white skin, that sharp defined jaw, that bright unruly bronze hair and those blazing golden eyes. They glared at me, the vision as angry as the voice, and I couldn't blame him. I'd feel the same if the roles were reversed. And yet in this moment I was just so happy to see him, even as his teeth were bared and his nostrils flared with rage.

"No! Please, Bella, no!"

I didn't hear the words, or rather, I didn't take them in. I only paid attention to the sound of his voice. There was nowhere else I could go, but there was nowhere I would rather be than here with him at the end of it all. Finally, finally, true happiness had returned, just in time. My legs were cramping and my body cried out for more air, yet I was perfectly content.

A particularly fierce thrust of the current hit me then, and I was not yet so far gone that I didn't feel the sharp slam of something connecting with my chest. I had stopped trying to hold my air in and this impact forced what I had left out in a rush of bubbles. Water surged in to take its place, disrupting my happy, peaceful death as it choked me. But I was still only truly bothered by the fact that whatever had got me was pulling me down deeper into the dark, further away from Edward. Yet there was no fighting it; I didn't have the strength anymore. All I could do was offer a last parting thought and pray he would hear it for once.

Goodbye. I love you.