45. RECONCILIATION
(Jules' POV)
We zoomed through the cave, making it to the car in record time.
"Safe travels, alright? We'll see you guys soon." I hugged Lee and Sarah as best as I could with one arm when I still had CJ in the other. "I hope you two won't get into too much trouble with the parental units."
"Don't worry about us. We're just gonna tell Mom and Dad we got lost on the campus tour." Sarah winked. They'd told Holly and Saul that Lee wanted to check out Šibenik University, less than an hour away from here, since his gap year was coming to an end. It was a damn good cover story, but I'm certain they knew the truth already anyways.
"Like hell they're going to believe that." I snorted, then was serious again. "Be careful on the trip back."
"You got it. Take care of your auntie Jules over here, okay little man?" Sarah fist-bumped CJ as best you could fist-bump someone who was born twenty minutes ago. He squeaked twice in agreement. Sarah laughed. "That's my boy." She nuzzled his face then turned her gaze back on Beau, still unconscious in Edythe's arms. "I hope you're going to be okay," she whispered, taking his limp hand in hers and giving it a squeeze. Me and her both, that's for sure.
"Take care." Lee showed us a sad smile, his voice completely sincere. That was definitely new, and I was proud of him for it. Then he and Sarah phased, pivoting towards the forest once more. I waved as I watched them disappear into the trees, and then it was back to reality – our journey homeward.
For starters, let's talk about the van: between the one three-seater in the way back, the two two-seaters in front of it, the passenger seat and the driver's seat, finding a place for everyone to fit inside was like Homer's Odyssey. Carine and Earnest were up front like any pair of parents usually were. CJ was with me - I'd gotten baby duty, and I held him in my arms because for one thing, obviously, there was no baby seat in the van - he came so early and we weren't prepared to transport a tiny passenger just yet. For another, though, I was the only one who could actually keep CJ warm right now. Royal was sitting beside us. Archie and Jessamine were sitting in front of me, and Eleanor had to take the floor, much to her delight. "I love breaking the law!" she loudly declared, stretching her legs out in front of Archie and Jessamine's seat. She took off her shoes and wiggled her dark blue-painted toes. In the furthest backseat, Edythe sat with Beau's head in her lap, the rest of his body taking up the rest of the long seat. His eyes were still closed. I didn't understand how he could be so still, but his heart kept up its weak rhythm the entire time, so I had to believe that he was going to get through this. One way or another, I was going to have my best friend back. I let out a breath, turning my eyes on the windshield up ahead as we made our way out of this winding forest maze. I took in the rest of the occupants in the crowded van, praying the police wouldn't pull us over and see us like this because that was definitely a one-way ticket to the slammer. Or maybe one of those FBI interview rooms you see on Dateline. We certainly would've been one suspicious-as-hell spectacle.
"Do you guys know of any stores around here? My phone's dead." Royal piped up as we corkscrewed round a bend. "We need so many things for CJ. We can't just go waltzing around with him like this, he doesn't even have clothes or an actual blanket on! He might get sick." Royal sounded like the doting father Beau should've been by now if he weren't out cold behind me. He looked really anxious and kept fussing with the sweater, pulling the wool up higher over CJ's neck and face then holding and stroking the top of CJ's tiny fist like he thought it would help keep him warm or something.
"I think I can handle it, Blondie." I snorted, patting CJ's back. "He's in good hands, I promise."
"I believe that." Edythe added quietly from the backseat. She was looking at me with the strangest expression on her face – the gentle smile on it was grateful, but her crimson eyes for some reason looked guilty, like she was the defendant in a criminal case while at the same time bordering on that familiar, envious gleam in them that accompanied the look she used to give me when I'd hang out with Beau right after she and him started dating again last year. And now here we were. Geez. A hell of a lot sure happened in the span of twelve months. I tried not to think too much about it though, because Royal was absolutely right – we were completely unprepared to bring a baby home. CJ needed all his proper baby things; some blankets, clothes, and diapers at the very least. Yanking out my phone, I angled it this way and that to try and get some bars on it, thanking high Heaven that I had the most thoughtful mother in the world for switching us over to a new phone plan that gave us "free" overseas data despite it being so expensive. I got a pretty strong signal and immediately Googled any baby goods stores on the way to the airport, which of course was our final destination here in Croatia.
Unfortunately, the only one I could find would be closed by the time we got there. We probably could've made a run for it I'm sure, but that might've drawn too much attention right now, it still wasn't dark out yet. And well, obviously, we literally had a newborn baby and his unconscious father to worry about in our traveling party, so that wasn't really an option now, was it? The next best thing I could think of was maybe some sort of department store that stayed open for longer, like all the Walmarts back home. There was one relatively close to the airport called Marko's, so I figured we could test our luck there. Earnest typed the address into the GPS, and then we were off.
Slowly, nighttime fell upon us. Bright, shining stars twinkled overhead in the dark blue of the sky, casting cool, curling shadows on the crystalline turquoise coastline. The peaceful view looked incongruous with the sight inside the van; our somber eyes and faces after all that happened today, even if the outcome had seemed hopeful enough. I listened again to the beat of Beau's heart; concentrated on its uneven rhythm as it struggled up and out to reach my ears. It was my only reassurance.
When we got to Marko's, we parked in the spot furthest away from the rest of the cars scattered around, but even then, there was maybe only four or five of them total in the tar-black lot. That was a relief.
Earnest got out first and opened my side of the door. "So, here's what we're going to do: some of us will go shopping, the others will just stay put right here. Carine and I think it's best if she stayed with you here, Edythe, so she can monitor your condition as well as Beau's-"
CJ whimpered in my arms as if he were asking all of us "What about me?"
"CJ will stay with us too, of course." Carine added from the front seat.
"He's hungry," Edythe murmured, biting her lip. "Could you take Beau, El? And please, please, please be careful with him," she urged, very gently easing Beau's unconscious body upright. "I have to feed CJ." Eleanor nodded, all serious now, and gently braced the broken Beau against her the next moment in the furthest left of the seat.
"I'll stay here with you guys, too." Royal added immediately, raising his hand. He was really getting to be stuck on that baby like glue, I reckon. Not that I could blame him, of course. Maybe I'm biased, but CJ easily had that effect on you.
"Perfect. Arch, Jess, and Jules can shop around with Earnest while the rest of us stay put right here." Carine nodded, indicating us with her hands. "I got a text from the airport, Sulpicia has reserved seats for us on a private flight. She didn't give us a time, but we really must get home, and very soon at that, too. So please, wrap it up as quick as you can." Carine added for emphasis, gesturing to the lit-up storefront. I understood the mission and nodded my affirmative, then me, Earnest, Arch and Jess hurried across the near-empty lot and in through the automatic doors of the store. "Baby goods are on aisle seventeen," Arch declared, yanking a blue cart out from the corral by the front entrance. Quickly, we tossed in anything we could get our hands on – blankets, clothes, diapers, wipes, powder, bottles, pacifiers, and formula all rained down into the cart basket. Then Earnest picked up the last Graco car seat in stock at the back of the small store and we zoomed right to checkout. An older gentleman with graying hair looked up with interest from behind the counter. "Did someone here just have a little baby?" he asked, smiling a grandfatherly smile. His name tag read Marko – he must've been the owner.
"Our sister." Archie tried returning Marko's smile, but it was kind of forced. I don't think he noticed, though. "My nephew came a little earlier than expected. These are gifts for the family."
"Is that so? Well, Congratulations to you all and your sister." Marko's kind hazel eyes crinkled around the edges, totally oblivious to what really happened in the mountains today – CJ certainly did make an early appearance, I knew that much was true. Marko seemed genuinely happy for us, and when my eyes found the little photo he'd stuck up on his computer monitor, I immediately understood why – by the looks of it, he and his wife had just become grandparents themselves not too long ago.
"Is that your family, sir?" I pointed to the smiling figures in the hospital photo.
Marko nodded, chuckling. "My daughter also just had a baby. That's our little granddaughter there, in Lucija's arms."
"She's so beautiful. Congrats to you too, sir." I added while Archie finished up with the credit card. He showed me that kind smile again and I tried to return it, but my curious eyes were on Earnest now because of what Marko had said earlier - "your sister". Earnest was looking down, a bit of a melancholy smile on his face. Immediately, I thought I knew why. Because even if Marko looked old enough to be Earnest's father, he and Marko were both kind of in the same boat. It made me think that he didn't like being referred to as Edythe's "brother" all that much since I knew he saw himself as her dad; that he wanted to say the same thing as Marko as well - that he just became a grandfather, too. But he knew he couldn't. It was a little sad when you thought about it – Earnest, Carine, Edythe, CJ, and, soon enough, Beau, will no longer be able to claim their true relationships to each other as a family in public one day because of what they were. I wondered if - no, when - Beau wakes up for the first and last time as a bloodsucker - well, Immortal, vampire, whatever it was you wanted to call it - it would always hurt him just a little; that soon enough he couldn't even say he was CJ's dad in public. And then, how would CJ feel? He's going to keep growing, keep changing, while his parents stayed eternally under twenty for all his life. He was physically going to be older than the both of them one day. I bit my lip, playing with the sleeve of one of the jammies we got for CJ poking out of the plastic bag closest to me. I guess we still had some time until then though, and so I tried to turn off that train of thought. For now, I was just grateful that Beau was still around at all. It made it easier, thinking about it that way.
Marko cheerfully waved us off as we left his store. The cart wheels squealed along the wet pavement as we rushed over to the car trunk and throwing it open, Jessamine and I started loading everything up inside. I snorted when I eyed the mountain of bags – it literally looked like we just burglarized a Babies R'Us. Royal immediately volunteered to install the baby seat and took it before any of us could even say a word. He rummaged through the box and read the instruction manual in a flash, putting the seat in nearly as quick, and as confidently, as someone who'd done it hundreds of times before. It even impressed me. Rummaging through our bags, I took out two blankets, a diaper, some socks, a few layette layers, and a footed long-sleeve onesie that had a cartoon bear, penguin, and elephant on the front with a satiny banner under the critters that read "Best Friends" in curly font. Considering we were just throwing things into the cart pretty much at random, we nabbed some darn cute stuff. I opened my side of the car door and laid a blanket down on one the empty seats. Edythe was just finishing up with CJ and after burping then kissing him three more times, she handed him off to me. Gently, gently, I laid him down on the seat making sure I was supporting his head the whole time.
"Alright, let's see what we have here…" First, I wiped him down with a few Johnson's baby cleansing cloths - baby bath wipes in layman's terms. Then I slid on his diaper, being careful not to irritate his clamped belly button stump under the fabric band. He whimpered, clasping then unclasping his hands which were up by his ears. "I know CJ, I know… it sure is cold, isn't it?" I said to him in my best baby-talk voice – he was the only one who'd ever get to hear me talk like that. Next, I got the socks - even the "newborn" sized ones were a smidge too big for him. He was such a tiny bean.
"Can I help?" Royal eagerly volunteered. I handed him a white onesie and he eased it over CJ's head. "There we go." Royal sighed out, sounding like I did just a second ago. I chuckled – he sure was great with babies. I got the "Best Friends" footed onesie out next.
I popped one already sock-covered foot into the footie part of the jumpsuit and Royal did the other. I wasn't sure if baby feet could ever be too warm, but I figured with the biting cold of the mountain air we'd been traveling in for hours on end over here, you couldn't be too careful. He stretched his arms out a little and filled out the sleeves, the effort making his eyes scrunch shut. He made two little "enh-enh" sounds and curled his fingers in against his cheeks. Just watching him like that, so active, so full of life, filled me with awe. "You're a little fighter, aren't you? Just like your daddy." I whispered down at him, snapping the buttons that went from the neckline all the way to the feet of the gray-and-blue jumpsuit shut. It was a miracle in every sense of the word that he – and his father – were here with us right now. "Let's get you home then, hm?" I picked him up very carefully and planted a giant kiss on his cheek. Earnest helped me with buckling CJ up in his new car seat and we tucked the two blankets in tight around him. He still looked a little too cold for my liking though, so I ran around back and took out a hat with little puppies printed all over it.
"The perfect accessory." I declared, pulling the edges down over his ears. He fell asleep in a matter of minutes, so he must've been feeling just as cozy as he looked. Unable to help it, I took out my phone and snapped probably a dozen pictures of him, making one my lock-screen background.
"It's time to go home." Carine announced from the driver's seat and we all got back into the van. Of course, with the baby seat now there was even less room for everyone to fit inside than before.
"Geez, at this rate someone's gonna end up in the boot," I muttered. We had CJ in his baby seat next to me while Edythe stayed in the back with Beau, who still took up the rest of the long seat. So, that meant that two people were now officially seatless.
"I call the boot!" Eleanor cried out with serious enthusiasm. I mean, if the floor was cloud nine to her on the trip over here earlier, then the dingdang boot was the seventh heaven. "It'll be like I'm getting kidnapped!" Her eyes danced with excitement in the glow of the streetlamps. So that's why she liked the idea so much – somehow, that didn't surprise me at all.
"Seriously, babe?" Royal shook his head, narrowing his eyes.
"No one's staying in the boot." Carine sighed. "It isn't very long to the airport, perhaps some of you can share seats."
And that's exactly what they did. The spouses sat together – Archie had Jessamine in his lap, and Royal had Eleanor in his.
"Okay, I think I like this even better." Eleanor giggled and she and Royal kissed on it right then and there for all the world to see. Archie and Jessamine followed suit, and then we were off.
…
CJ slept the whole way to Pula Airport. When we arrived, everyone got out and three guys in white uniforms came and helped us out, bringing a wheelchair for Beau and unloading everything from the trunk. One of them offered to take CJ's car seat, but I declined as politely as I could and kept him close to me inside it.
When we walked in, the place was mostly empty, only four chairs in the large waiting area were occupied. An older man – though I can't say how much older, since his scent and golden eyes indicated to me that he was a vampire, too - wearing the same white unform as the other guys from earlier greeted us at the Check-In counter. Carine said her last name, and the man rose to his feet and led us down a hallway he had to scan his badge to get into.
"This was left to you." the man announced, motioning right up ahead. He opened a door and my jaw fell on the floor.
There on the runway, bathed in the glow of moonlight was the most ginormous private jet I'd ever seen in my life.
"Oh. My. Gosh." I covered my mouth with my free hand as I took in the silver-toned aircraft, its sleek body glinting in the moon's beams.
The man in the uniform guided us up the ramp, and the outside of the jet could barely prepare me for what I'd find inside.
"Wow." I gasped, shaking my head in disbelief. It literally looked like an apartment in the sky: the first compartment we entered in upon - a huge "living room" was the closest word for it to me, but there was also a little kitchenette and even a dining table on one end - had ten giant round windows on each side and a 60-inch flat-screen TV in front of a long futon couch. Beyond it to the right of the whole place was an ivory silk curtain, half open, which you could see a master bedroom through. On my left, another curtain opened into a huge bathroom, I could even see an actual, literal tub from here. But the sight which struck me most of all was the wide array of brand-new, very expensive-looking baby goods and furniture stacked in the back of the main room.
"They really didn't hold back. Whew." I let out a whistle as I made my way towards it. Among the treasure trove of goods were toys, clothes, diapers, bottles, some kind of bottle warmer device, a baby tub, and even a fully-assembled white mesh bassinet. Right next to all that, a super cute vintage-style baby carriage which looked like something straight out of an old movie also made an appearance, rounding the whole collection out. Sulpicia must've felt even worse than I thought for doing all that to us. I put CJ's car seat down by the couch and watched as Edythe wheeled Beau in behind us, pushing him all the way into the bedroom compartment of the jet. Edythe, Eleanor and I helped lift him up as carefully as we could onto the bed covers. I tried to swallow down the lump forming in my throat as I put his legs up onto the mattress, smoothing down the fabric of his torn, bloodied jeans. I stroked his cold, white face; pressed the back of my hand to his clammy forehead. His eyes were still closed and he wasn't moving, even though his heartbeat continued to thrum very weakly in his chest. I didn't want to think about why he wasn't moving; didn't even want to fathom the possibility that, after everything, he would end up leaving us for real. Because that couldn't be. To just yank him away from us right after giving him back… the world would truly be a dark, cruel place if that ever came to pass.
"Oh!" Behind us, Eleanor gasped, pulling something shiny out from her pocket – it was that pocketknife, the one Beau had used on himself to distract that evil guy who was hurting Edythe. He was certainly the hero of our story. The pretty gold patterns on it, now stained with mud and Beau's blood, was a reminder of what he sacrificed for us; for his son. Eleanor wiped it down. I opened the top drawer of the desk in the room for her and she slipped it inside. Out the window, those same guys in white from earlier were wheeling away the ramp we walked up, so I knew we were getting ready to leave soon. Running into the other room I took CJ's car seat, bringing it into the bedroom with us so we can keep an eye on him in here. That was a good call, because the jet engines roared to life a moment later and there was a gentle lurching under my feet - we were taking to the sky, finally on our way home. Would Beau last until then? What was going to be waiting for us back in Forks? How were we going to break the news?
Probably hearing the rush of my thoughts, Edythe let out a troubled sigh. Pulling up a chair she got from the vanity in the room she sat down beside Beau, taking his limp hand in hers. She stroked his knuckles, kissing them twice then held his hand right there to her lips in complete silence. After a brief moment, Edythe cried out, "I can't bear to see him like this." in a burst and shot up out of her seat, circling over to the biggest window in the room and looking out of it. Her hands squeezed tight around the corners of the desk, then she shook her head hard and covered her face with one hand. Her hunched-over shoulders quivered in a way that made me think she was crying. I felt another wave of pity for her lance through me. Her dress skirt spun out around her as she ran off somewhere, coming back a moment later with a fresh change of Beau's clothes and those baby bath wipes we'd used on CJ back in the parking lot at Marko's. She pulled the bloodied rags off Beau's body one by one, throwing the tatters into a pile on the floor. Every shred of fabric that came off him revealed to us the discolored, twisting patches that corkscrewed over every inch of his body; those gashes and those cuts making red slashes alongside all the stain-like bruising, his skin nearly translucent from all the blood loss.
I gasped.
"Oh my god." I felt the tears rush into my eyes at the sight and I covered my mouth with my hand, turning away. It was worse than I thought. Much, much worse.
Broken. That was the only word that came to mind. From the inside out. And the sight of that brokenness made it that much easier to believe in the tragedy of Loss; see it solidify in my head.
"His heart's still beating," Edythe insisted in a strange, breaking voice, like that one fact could somehow obliterate those marks on his skin; fix up all his shattered bones. Perhaps it would. Someday. I knew I had to believe in that for my own good.
I swallowed hard and turned back around to see all the damage that'd been done to him; let it sink in for a good long while. And I allowed myself to forgive Edythe, and ask her forgiveness in turn just the same, completely.
Because it wasn't her fault. None of it was.
I realized that now, seeing Edythe over her husband's body. The shards of her broken heart glinting in her quivering eyes; her trembling lips. How she took those baby bath wipes and started cleaning Beau with them in sweeping, tender, desperate strokes. She went over all the red on his skin with the wipes, patting, then scrubbing, then rubbing to erase that brokenness; eliminate every trace of it on his body that she possibly could. I took another wipe and tried helping her out with it, forcing that lump down my throat in order to focus. I guess it worked some because when all the red was gone, he looked a little better. I let Edythe finish putting Beau in a new t-shirt and pair of jeans and I stared out the window at the night sky, which passed us by like the shapeless black mass of a tunnel you couldn't see out the end of. We were at it for a little while longer after that then washed our hands five times over, seeing the rust-colored water drain down the bathroom sink with the soap suds.
"Weh… weh…" A tiny cry pricked up my ears.
CJ. The one who all this was for.
"Someone's up." Immediately I rushed over, ready to swoop down and hold him. But then Edythe stopped me mid-stride and held my arm back just tight enough to let me know I wasn't going anywhere.
"I'll get him." She said it too fast, her voice rising a little. "He's my son, Julie."
"Oh, okay. Sorry." I put my still-wet hands up, trying not to let my confusion – and disappointment – show. Was I overstepping my bounds? Of course I wasn't his mother; I knew that. But it sure felt that way just the same. It sort of came with the "imprinting" thing too, obviously. I literally could not help it. "But you don't have to get so upset about it, Edythe. I was just trying to help." I snapped, feeling some of that old Jules-anger flaring up in me but shook my head just as quick, remembering my intention to be nicer now. Definitely a work-in-progress, sure, but I got there eventually. I didn't need to give her an even harder time than she was having already. "Sorry. Again. I know, you're right. He's over there." I stepped aside, letting Edythe go on ahead in front of me to the other room where I'd left the carrier.
Edythe picked CJ up. "Shh, shh. My little love." She kissed him and held him to her shoulder, patting his back. "Mommy's here, Mommy's here. Are you hungry, sweetheart? Yes, you are."
Sitting down in front of the TV, Edythe pulled the elastic sleeve down over her shoulder and guided CJ to his meal – whatever it was she was making for him in there now. I thought again about what Carine said earlier about Edythe's "milk" supply and what that could potentially mean for mom and baby but couldn't concentrate on that conundrum for long.
"Oh!" Edythe gasped and CJ whimpered twice in turn.
"Are you guys okay?" I frantically asked, sprinting to them both.
"I'm fine. It's just getting a little harder now to feed him. I'm… running out. I don't know of what, honestly, but whatever it is, it's not going to last him for much longer."
I thought back to the things that were going through my mind before I'd rushed over and combined it with what Edythe said just now, all of which ended with me making a mental checklist of how much baby formula we had on hand and calculating how many days that might last CJ – it was enough for now, I'd say. Still, at this rate it was a safe bet that we'd have to hit up a Thriftway soon. And if we ran into anyone they knew there, what a tale we'll have to spin…
"Are you cold?" Edythe asked her son just then and waited a second, like she was expecting him to answer. Maybe he did in his mind. "I see, I see. Here we go." She picked up the second blanket in the carrier and put it between her body and his, covering his back again with the other. She inhaled a shaky breath and swallowed hard. "I'm sorry, love. I wish… I wish…"
"For what?" I asked, rubbing CJ's back with my warm hand. He whimpered a little, still shivering. Seeing that, I think I figured out exactly what Edythe's wish was. "He's still cold." I whispered as it hit me. I guess it didn't help that his mom was like a block of ice temperature-wise. I was just about to ask if she wanted me to hold him and warm him up for her but bit the words back, not wanting to overstep again.
"If you would be so kind." She answered my train of thought and bowed her head, looking all guilty again.
"It's okay Edythe, you're fine; it's not your fault. Really. So don't feel bad." I said, taking her baby from her. I was starting to feel a lot like the Big Bad Wolf when I saw her looking as sad as she did over there as I went about doing it, though. I walked around the room with him, patting his back and giving him cuddles. He liked that a lot. When I saw that new baby tub in the living room again, I realized then that we hadn't given CJ, who was literally born outdoors in the freaking mountains, a proper bath yet besides wiping him down with those cleansing cloths earlier and figured it was about high-time we got around to doing that. "Actually, why don't we get you washed up instead?" I started towards the bathroom with CJ in one arm, throwing the baby tub up under the other.
"No please, let me." Edythe's voice surprised me with how urgent it sounded. "He's my son, Julie. He's mine." she insisted, putting both her hands on her chest and curling her fingers tight over it. I felt my eyes go big at her strange outburst – she sounded kind of desperate; pleading. My heart clenched up with another little twinge of pity when I saw her like that and I didn't know what to say. But then Edythe fell back, covering her face with one hand. She took a breath and looked up at the concave ceiling of the jet, biting her lip. "But perhaps... you would've been all the better a mother to any child of Beau's than I could ever be. I can't - I can't even keep my son warm. I can barely even feed him anymore; my body is physically incapable of providing my own child with everything he needs. What kind of mother am I?" she lamented, dropping into one of the chairs in the room. She pulled her legs to her chest and hid her face in her knees. Between those hard-gripping hands on either of her legs, her curled-in toes and her shaking head, the entire image was "Woe Is Me" personified.
And then I realized exactly what that strange look she gave me earlier in the car meant.
I threw my free hand up. "Hold up, sister - you can just snap out of that kind of ridiculous talk, okay? Beau loves you. This kid loves you. So much. Just look at him." He was still shivering, but his tiny fists reached out towards Edythe and he whimpered for her – it was clear that even if she was cold to the touch, he just wanted to be in his mommy's arms. "Ouch." I looked down at him, feigning offense at his current preference. "But I hear you, buddy. Here you go." I gave him back to Edythe, wrapping the blanket tighter around him. Instantly he calmed down and nestled his head deeper into Edythe's chest. It looked like she was about to cry again when he did that, and she brushed three gentle kisses on his forehead, holding him even tighter to her.
"Was I right, or was I right? Seriously woman, I told you so." I snorted seeing the two of them together. It warmed my cold heart right up. "Besides, you should know - kids are most definitely not my thing. Of course, you are my one exception." I gave CJ my finger and he squeezed it – I guess that meant he still liked me, too. Then I looked up at Edythe again. "I don't want kids. Like, ever. At least I'm pretty sure about that, especially after seeing you back there earlier..." I shivered remembering all the breaking and the screaming and the what-have-you. Yeesh. "No offense."
Edythe shot me a look. "Well, Julie, some taken."
I was pretty sure that was my cue to pivot, so I did. "I guess... what I'm trying to say is that even in some kind of other life, it wouldn't have happened. So just forget about that crazy talk, alright? Nothing could ever get between you and this little dude over here, least of all me. I guarantee it. You're his mom. So start acting like it! Here. I'll help you out, but only if you want me to." I stroked CJ's chubby cheek.
"I would really like that." Edythe admitted. "I'm so scared I'll do it all wrong. I read the books and everything, but actually putting it into practice in real life seems an insurmountably difficult challenge for me alone." Her breath hitched in her throat – it made me think she was thinking of the word "alone" in more than one context here.
"But you're not. You won't be." I assured her in the most confident tone I could take. She needed to hear that. And so, we got to work.
After skimming through the parenting book Edythe lent me, I let her take CJ while I set up the baby bathtub in the bathroom and tested the water with my elbow – perfect temperature. "It's ready." I called Edythe over. We put CJ's little clothes aside to wash back home and gently eased him into the tub. Edythe began cleaning his face with a little washcloth we'd been provided, and I sat down beside her.
"Look at you, getting your first bath in a private jet. Lucky duck." I laughed, getting another squirt of baby soap on my own little cloth I was using for CJ. He blew a raspberry in response to my teasing.
There was a knock at the bathroom entrance and a familiar face appeared behind the curtains. "Mind if I join you girls in here?"
"Carine." Edythe smiled at her mother. "Please, come in."
"I checked in on Beau just now, he's doing quite well if I do say so myself. I think the beat of his heart might've even gotten a bit stronger." she informed, lowering herself onto her knees beside us. I was relieved to hear that. "I was also wanting to see if you girls needed any help in here. I've taken care of plenty of babies in my time, believe it or not." She winked. Edythe and I laughed at that – I'm sure she'd be an expert by now, the nurse slash doctor extraordinaire. "Oh, be careful with CJ's umbilical cord stump over here honey, we don't want it to get infected." She pointed out just as I was about to towel down his tummy.
"Oops, sorry. Noted, thanks." I answered quick, her words scaring me enough to go for his arm instead.
"You're perfectly fine. We're still going to wipe it down a little with a 70% alcohol solution afterwards. Of course, with him being half-vampire I'm sure he'd be alright one way or another, but I don't want to take any chances. Would we now, my dear?" Carine took CJ's hand and stroked it, her eyes, so full of love, looking like Edythe's did when she looked at her son. "I'm going to get some more towels. I'll be back in a minute." Carine showed us a smile and left the bathroom.
I sponged down CJ's hair while Edythe worked on the side of his face, holding him steady for us. I moved the cloth around in gentle circles, like how Edythe and I cleaned Beau up earlier with those wipes - I felt my throat tighten a little when I gazed at his son and thought of him on that bed in the other room.
He's going to be just fine. I thought, repeating the phrase over and over in my head. CJ gurgled then, like he was agreeing with me, too.
"Yeah." I whispered down at him, letting him hold on tight to my finger. "Yeah."
I guess reading my thoughts, Edythe nodded; took a steadying breath. She got another squirt of baby soap in one hand, effortlessly reaching over to my side of the tub where the pump was and lathered up her washcloth. It was probably much easier for her to move around now that she wasn't pregnant.
Sitting back on my heels, I turned to look right at Edythe. I had a very serious question for her, and figured now was as good a time as any to bring it up. "Hey, Edythe?" I tilted my head.
"Yes?"
"Do you wanna be friends?" I let it all out in one fell swoop.
Edythe stopped in her tracks and looked back at me with total surprise written all over her face then chuckled right after. "You're asking me that right now? After you gave up everything for my family, fought for us, helped me give birth to my son, and are currently helping me bathe him? The answer is a resounding yes, Julie."
"Nuh-uh, we're friends now, so you can just call me "Jules", alright?" I winked.
"Jules." Edythe corrected, showing me a big grin. I returned it easily.
"And I'm back." Carine quietly announced, her face all lit up like a Christmas tree. I figured then that we'd been eavesdropped on, and I wasn't even mad about it.
"Welcome back." I called over with a laugh and CJ cooed in agreement, splashing us all with his little feet. It was official – he was a big fan of bath time. I scooted over to give Carine some more room and we continued on from there as one big team. I smiled thinking about it like that.
…
There wasn't much to do on the jet plane afterwards, believe it or not. I browsed the web for a little bit and clicked through probably a hundred different channels on the TV, nothing really catching my eye but feeling pretty amazed the whole time at the prospect that we could even get such good connection way up here in the sky. We were all taking turns checking in on Beau, and we had to practically drag Edythe - and even myself sometimes - away from his bedside on multiple occasions. She couldn't be doing that to herself, she was going to get exhausted – well, as exhausted as any vampire with a sick husband and whom had just given birth can be, that is. I knew I'd be bushed. Carine was right – Beau's heart was sounding a little stronger now. We had a few scares for sure, but then the rhythm of his heart would pick up right where it left off. I thought maybe his cuts were looking a teeny bit better now too, and I let the image reassure me.
We all helped out with CJ and really put that bassinet to good use, setting it up in the living room compartment of the jet by the long couch – I was right beside him the whole time. He seemed to really be liking it. I've never seen a newborn baby sleep as well as he did - it was the only supernatural thing about him, really. That and how much such a tiny thing can fill his diaper. Whew. Otherwise though, he was completely and utterly normal, by the looks of it. An adorable, non-bloodthirsty little human baby who ate, slept, pooped, and cried like any other normal human kid, and I was so glad to see it. Hopefully, this would make it easier for Sam and the pack to accept CJ not just as a new member of Forks in general but as the imprintee of yours truly. They'd have to accept Edythe too, since she's my friend now. I smiled a little at the thought – if you told me back then that this would be my life right now, I would've just laughed in your face. And yet, here we were.
It was nice, too, getting to know Edythe more – since there was so little to do up in the sky, I played a round of Twenty Questions with her. Turns out, me and her had a lot more in common than I'd ever even thought was possible. Like how music was such a huge part of our lives - rock, punk, pop, Oldies, country, classical, even some opera - you name it. We liked a little bit of everything. Or how I'd wanted to be a nurse for the longest time when I was growing up and how Edythe had her own (multiple) medical degrees – it made me want to try pursuing that again too one day, even if she told me that Medical School certainly wasn't for the faint of heart – I don't think I needed to worry about that though, getting this far in my damn life just being the way I am, having seen all the things I saw, knowing all the things I do, everything I'd ever been a part of. And obviously, Edythe knew about all that stuff, too – another point of commonality. How we were both stuck at seventeen in our own ways. Or how our favorite color was sky blue – it was the color of Beau's eyes; of CJ's. It made me happy that we could both have at least that much to remember those beautiful blues by. The rest of the Cullens - especially Earnest and Carine - kept giving us these little smiles every now and again from over their books and newspapers, like we were two new buddies on the first day of school in a kindergarten classroom. I was about to say something about it, but Edythe answered before I got the chance to.
"They're just happy to see us getting along. They already think of you as part of the family, you know. They always have ever since you came back to us the day you left your pack – I know you might have lost them, but you gained all of us."
"I guess." I shrugged, playing with the folded-up hem of the new jean shorts I'd changed into earlier. "But I realize now… that I actually want both. You guys, but also my old friends back home; my old pack. I've really got a lot of explaining to do once we get back to Forks." I sighed, leaning up against the futon's head cushion. The thought was giving me a headache.
"And you'll find the words. I have faith in you." Edythe flashed me a smile. I tried to return it, but wasn't sure how successful I was in that.
"Waah… waah…"
"Whoops. I think someone's hungry again." I was starting to recognize the differences between his cries: the "I'm hungry" one, the "I'm cold", the "I need a new diaper", the "I need a hug", and so on and so forth. Edythe confirmed my train of thought a moment later – she would know for sure with her ability.
"Precisely. Well done, Jules." She nodded, impressed.
"I'll bring him over."
Reaching into the bassinet, I picked up his squirming little body. "Alright, little dude. Let's get you to Mommy." I handed him to Edythe, who'd just finished unbuttoning her new chambray shirtdress. It took him a second this time, but he latched on eventually.
"Is it hurting right now?" I asked Edythe, concerned when I remembered what happened earlier. She just shook her head, though.
"No. But it is getting a little harder for him to feed because of what I am. I'm worried he's not getting enough." She stroked his face. "Still, I want to keep trying for as long as I possibly can." she declared, massaging her chest a little to see if it helped.
"We've got formula, so don't worry too much about it." I reminded, motioning to the bags of baby stuff we got at Marko's. There was no shame in that.
"Thanks, Jules." Edythe sighed. "I suppose you're right." When she finished feeding CJ, she tried to burp him the usual way on her shoulder. This time though, it wasn't working. She tried it again another way, holding CJ like a character in a Disney movie would hold their cat with his tummy resting on her forearm, his cheek smooshed up against the inside of her elbow. Still, no success.
He was getting a little fussy now, no burps. "Uh-oh." Edythe noised, and I took over for her.
I didn't have much luck with him though, either. I even tried sitting down on the couch and doing it that new way Edythe did, but to no avail.
And then Royal, appearing out of nowhere, gently took CJ from me. "Up we go, bubba." Royal snapped the baby burp cloth we'd gotten at Marko's over his right shoulder and rested CJ on it, giving his chubby cheek a big smooch while he was at it. Then he walked around the room humming a song I didn't immediately recognize, expertly patting CJ's back until we could all hear his tiny little "bu-urp" and content little sigh right afterwards within a matter of seconds.
"Give this man an award," I laughed. Royal was seriously some kind of super uncle.
"Amen to that." Edythe chuckled.
…
We were in the air a few more hours, and then the private jet landed right in the runway of Forks Municipal Airport. I'd never been there before, but we were literally the only ones here right now – a good thing – so it felt pretty exclusive to me, like maybe only VIP's, celebrities, or public figures could come here. I hadn't the slightest clue if that was actually true, but then again, I could count on one hand all the times I'd flown, and most of that flying had only happened in the past few weeks, once on a private jet to boot. There were some more guys there that were in charge of transporting the new baby goods while we took our carry-on luggage and all the stuff we'd bought at Marko's with us.
It was still another thirty minutes to the Cullens' place and there was another black van waiting for us, only this one had enough seats for everyone, which was a relief. Royal installed the baby seat again and I strapped CJ in as gently and as quietly as I could, he was still sleeping. "Sleepy baby. You worked hard today." I whispered, kissing his forehead and tucking him in with two blankets. He was my riding buddy. When we pulled onto the highway, the familiar misted-out gray sky with the rain drizzling through the sea of green trees filled my vision entirely. It dawned on me then that, after everything, we were finally back home. But nothing will ever be the same again. I looked in the direction of the forest across the rushing waters of Queets River, realizing I had a lot of explaining to do pretty soon back on the rez. I checked my phone and was glad to see I had four bars again. I called Bonnie – her mom brain immediately picked up on the fact that something was wrong and she said she was going to come back home. "No Mom, it's okay. Just… keep Charlie company, alright? Until we figure out what we're going to do." My voice got stuck in my throat, it felt like I was running out of air. What were we going to say to him now? "I love you, Mom. See you in a bit." I hung up on Bonnie, who was still asking me frantic questions: "What happened? Are you alright? Is Beau alright? I'm coming home right now-"
"Sorry, Mom." I whispered on the disconnected line and turned in my chair, taking in CJ's perfect little face and letting his warm baby hand wrap around my finger. Like I said – best distraction in the universe.
When we got to the Cullens' big white house, it was Eleanor who carried Beau in. Edythe brought out a daybed from the living room and set it up in the room with all the windows and skylights in it which opened onto the sweeping green of the neighboring old-growth forest; the horizon line clear even on a rainy day where the sun would burst a bright orange-red through the clouds when dawn broke over the shadows these old halls made. We put Beau in there, setting up a few patient monitors in the room as well to monitor his heartrate and vitals – I wondered how they'd react throughout his transformation. Archie dragged an antique full-body mirror in too, I guess preparing for when Beau would wake up – his eyes, I was certain, staring back at him a bright, crimson red. Those beautiful blues would be gone; his heartbeat, his humanity, his mortality… Gone. In the blink of an eye. Will he still be the Beau I knew? Only time will tell.
I spent the night at the Cullens' house. Not that I slept much anyways – most of my time was spent writing and rewriting in my head the script I was going to stick to when I met up with Sam and the others and getting up with CJ every now and again. Although Royal certainly gave me a run for my money in that department – I'd run into the room with the crib in it only to find that CJ was already up in Uncle Roy-Roy's – his words by the way, not mine – arms. When needed, he'd bring him over to Edythe downstairs, who never left Beau's side. The night went by quick, and when morning, as it always does, eventually came, I threw on an old white sweater top - a hand-me-down from Mom - and some jean shorts, running to CJ's room right after.
"Hey, baby boy." He cooed back in greeting and I took his hand in mine. "I'll be back soon, alright?" I kissed him twice then slipped out the front door, leaving the Cullens' place behind on my trusty motorbike. I followed the old familiar roads back home, walking up to my front porch expecting an empty house and let myself in.
As I reached for the light switch, there was my mother, ready to greet me at the end of the hall.
"Mom." I dropped everything, keys and all. My eyes felt wet and I ran over so quick, so happy that she was here with me. I missed her. I missed her so much.
"Hi, lovebug."
I threw my arms around her, holding on tight.
"So Charlie let you go?" I asked, wheeling Mom into the living room.
"I just told him your brother had dropped by unexpectedly from WSU to visit and that I should really go see what he wants. He expects me back tomorrow morning, but I'm sure chasing those sockeyes around would help keep him busy enough to buy us until at least the afternoon."
"How was the drive?" I asked, remembering how I'd found a vehicle-modification specialist, Thomas, from out of town to install some hand controls in our new Ram, the one Charlie and Bonnie took to Lake Chelan. I'd already taught both Charlie and myself how to use them too in case we ever needed to drive Mom anywhere, and he and Bonnie took turns behind the wheel on the trip up there. I eyed the truck from here, it was parked in the shade of the tin-shed garage awning attached to the east end of the house and I wondered very seriously how badly I was out of it that I hadn't seen it coming in earlier. My mind was in such a heavy place, but seeing my mother again had definitely lightened it some for sure.
"A smooth ride. Thanks, honey." Bonnie showed me a smile. That was good – I guess I picked Thomas well, then.
"I'm glad to hear that." It was good to know that I could do at least one thing right around here.
Bonnie gave my knee a squeeze. "Okay. Now tell me everything."
And so I did.
Mom's mouth was already hanging open by the time I got to the part about the cave in Mosor.
"So, you found another like the child?" Mom tilted a brow.
"Yep." I nodded, preparing to tell her about our first and second confrontation with the Volturi and the men Sulpicia had sent after us in secret. Before I got into it though, I decided to digitally introduce Mom to CJ first – a reminder that at least something went right in the end after everything else that didn't. "Here, let me show you something-" I ran for my phone and showed her my lock screen, a picture of my little dude I couldn't help snapping in the van lighting up the device. "This is CJ."
Mom sighed, disapprovingly I thought at first but then a smile tugged up at the corner of one side of her lip, then the other. And I knew she was smitten. "Good Lord, he's stinkin' cute." She stroked the screen. "He looks just like Beau did when I first met him." Mom smiled a wistful smile at the distant memory – I wasn't even born then, which made it by default so distant to me. "So, you were there when… that girl… brought him into the world?" she went on, her voice sounding a little doubtful; disbelieving, even when I knew she'd already seen Edythe pregnant more than enough times to know it was true. It must've still been pretty strange to her.
"Oh yeah. I saw the whole thing." I shuddered just thinking about it. But hey, at least we got the cutest little dude out of the whole deal. I told her all about it, and then about the part I was kind of dreading getting into.
"You imprinted on him?" Mom's eyes flew open. She couldn't hide her shock if her life depended on it. "Sweetie, he's a day old." She pressed two fingers to the space between her eyes, shaking her head in complete disapproval.
"Oh my God, Mom! See? That is exactly how I knew you'd react. But it's literally not like that at all. It's like he's my kid, or something – a son, nephew, whatever. It's the best way I can describe it. That's how I feel about him, Mom. How I'll always feel. Please, don't worry about it."
Bonnie sighed; clicked her tongue. "Well, okay honey." She threw both hands up. "You know, I don't think that's ever happened around here before."
"Yeah, well, neither has a half-human, half-vampire baby ever been born to any citizen of Forks before either, yet here we are." I rolled my eyes. "I swear, that's all there is to it. That's never going to change, Mom."
Bonnie sighed. "Alright, Jules. I believe you." And then her face instantly brightened. "Oh, I can't wait to meet him. Charlie is going to be over the moon, he's gorgeous." She looked at CJ's picture again on my phone, all smiles.
"Well, if Charlie can even still be a part of their lives after what might happen." My stomach turned thinking otherwise. Mom caught that.
"Jules?"
"Yeah?" I bit my lip, swallowing hard.
"Is Beau alright?" Mom's eyes were glistening with concern and the first hints of emerging sadness. She knew before I even opened my mouth.
"Well, presently that remains to be seen." My bravado was wearing off. "I was just about to explain it to you." My throat felt thick as I walked back through my memory of the second confrontation - what happened to Beau, specifically - and relayed it all to Mom.
"Oh my God! Are you alright, honey? Are you hurt anywhere?" Mom touched my face; rolled up my sleeves. Her eyes moved frantically over every exposed part of my skin.
"I'm fine, Mom." I assured her, holding her shoulders. "But Beau…" I inhaled a shaky breath. "He got hurt. Bad. And Edythe… I begged her - literally begged her - to change him." It was finally starting to feel real now, what happened. What could be.
"Oh, no." Bonnie covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes filling with tears. "Oh, Beau. Charlie's going to be devastated. Julie, why did you do that?"
"There was just no other way, okay?" I cried out. My tears stung my eyes; burned them. "But I couldn't lose him. Not like that, not like that. There was literally nothing else we could do, Mom. He would have died! Don't you understand that? Like six-feet-under dead. But now he might… he might still have a chance. Even if it's…" The air got stuck in my throat.
But it didn't matter anymore. Vampire or not, he was still going to be my Beau. Maybe buried deep inside that strange, new, bloodthirsty creature, but still inside him somewhere nonetheless. There was still a chance that the Beau from my memories would survive someway, somehow. He had a chance. And we won't have to lose him.
And then I found myself begging and hoping and praying for Beau to come back, even if that was as a vampire. I held my phone with CJ's picture on it close to my chest; right over my heart. Would that beautiful little boy be all that I had left of my best friend? All I had left to remember him by? His kindness? His laughter? His warmth? This blue-eyed baby boy… my last piece; my last remnant of Him? My throat felt thick, the tears broke free from my eyes.
"Mom, what's going to happen? Why am I so useless?" I cried out, my voice breaking.
"Honey, you're seventeen. It's already such a tough age to be without you being so hard on yourself; without having to experience so many things beyond the natural world, and so beyond your years: Love, death, birth, sacrifice. Come on, baby." Mom put her arms around me. "You did the best thing you thought you could do at that particular moment in time, and I'm so proud of you for that, sweetheart. I'm so proud." Of course, even though she said that now my bright idea didn't seem so bright to me anymore, because Beau still wasn't waking up. No proof at all whatsoever that it wasn't too late.
"Mama, I'm worried about him. I'm so worried, I'm so scared." I fell on my knees, throwing myself on my mother's lap like I was five years old all over again. My tears wet her jeans straight through.
"Oh sweetheart, it's okay. You're okay. It's going to be fine." Mom kissed me three times and rubbed my back. "We'll figure this out together, honey. I promise."
And I hoped to God we would.
I let my mother hold me while I wept.
…
As much as I detested the idea, the first thing we needed to do was bring Sam and my ex-pack up to date on everything that happened and everything that might be. Mom invited them over and they all - Sam, Quil, Embry, Paula, Jaida, and a few others I didn't immediately recognize who'd joined pretty recently - sat around our dining room table, anxious eyes and ears attuned to what I had to say. Lee and Sarah weren't back from Croatia yet, but I'd fill them in later. Mom drew the curtains and locked all our doors and windows – this was going to be top-secret information. Painstakingly, I gave them the play-by-play of everything, to the most minute detail, that had ever occurred since I deserted.
"…So that's what happened. Any comments, questions or concerns?" I said in my best professor voice. All that answered me was stunned silence, mouths gaping open like fish out of water.
Until Sam held a finger up and rose to her feet. "Just one."
Then she ran over to me so quick and before I even realized what she was doing, she threw her arms around me tight in the biggest bear hug she could manage.
"I'm so sorry, Jules." She whispered into my hair. "You're amazing."
Immediately, everyone else started gathering around us and then I was crushed in one big ginormous group hug.
I felt the beginning of tears welling up in my eyes. "Oh my gosh, you people! Why are you doing this to me? I'm gonna cry. Again." I bemoaned. I've cried more in these past two days than I ever had in all seventeen years of my life. I wasn't used to it at all, and this little display of complete understanding and empathy, forgiveness, certainly wasn't helping the matter much.
We all laughed and cried about it, then Mom showed me a touched smile from across the room and mouthed, "I'm so proud of you."
"Thanks." I mouthed right back.
"For real though," Embry started up after the group hug, "You imprinted on a baby?"
"Yes, pay attention Em." I rolled my eyes, laughing. Then I was serious again. "It's literally not like that at all. Never will be. It's so completely different than what I thought, than what I was expecting. I guess we've still got a lot more to learn about ourselves." I shrugged, tugging on my fingers. Nods and sounds of thoughtful agreement made their way around the room.
"Of course, that still begs the question – what are we going to do about all this?" One of the newer girls, Anna, threw in. She gnawed on her bottom lip, twirling a lock of blonde-highlight hair round her finger.
"Whoever a wolf imprints on, cannot be harmed. It's our most absolute law." Sam reminded. "We can't hurt CJ. We won't. I realize now, too, that I could never have gone through with that in the first place." She shook her head. I was glad she finally came to her senses in the time I've been away. "And since Julie over here gave Edythe permission to change Beau, and the fact that it was not on our lands, means the treaty is still very much intact. No blood, no foul. It's just a matter of how this turns out though, and what we're going to tell Charlie without putting him in danger."
Those were the questions of the hour.
"How about this?" Bonnie offered. "How about we wait, see how Beau handles this transformation? I'll keep Charlie busy until then. We don't have to make any rash decisions right this instant."
"I second that." Sam approved. "Let's just wait it out for now, assess the situation afterwards. Then see what we should do about Beau."
"Hello? What about the literal vampire baby?" Anna pressed. "We won't hurt him or anything, but if he - and his dad, for that matter - turn out to be, you know, dangerous, we're going to need to discuss some other options here. Warn the town, get the family out of Forks' city limits, something. We have to protect our people."
"They're not going to pose any danger to us nor anybody else in Forks." I quickly countered, my voice rising. "Beau will be just fine." I said, even when I wasn't totally sold on the statement myself. He was still going to be a newborn vampire after all, with the red eyes and the uncontrollable thirst and everything. No matter how much I loved Beau, how much faith I had in him, I couldn't just discount that possibility entirely. It would be irresponsible. "And CJ's like any other normal human baby, I've been with him day and night since he was born. Nothing seems out of the ordinary." At least I was confident in that much for now. But then it also brought to my mind – how would Beau react to CJ's blood? He was still part-human, after all. Would we have to keep Beau away from him too, then? His own son?
"Like I said - we don't know for certain." Anna shrugged.
"And you're right." Sam said, then her eyes found mine. "So, Jules. I know I'm no longer your Alpha, but I would really like you to do something for us - just as friends; a favor, if you're willing. Over this next week, I want you to go back to the Cullen residence and write down everything you observe about Beau's behavior when he wakes up, as well as his son's. It can really help us to make a decision about the best course of action to take later on."
"Gladly." It was my original plan, anyways – well, the "going back" part, at least. I could never stay away from either of them for long. I guess it also wouldn't hurt to take some notes.
"Thank you, Jules." Sam gave me another big hug. "I'm glad you're back."
…
When the digital clock on the oven read 5:00 PM, everyone started getting ready to leave. I waved them off, happy to know that it wouldn't be the last time I'd see them. I had my old friends back again, along with a few new ones. Things seemed, at least over here, to be looking up. I yanked out from my old school backpack a half-filled notebook that had gone to disuse – Mom claimed she was "homeschooling" me these past six months, which was the only reason I didn't get kicked out with how many days I've missed. I studied when I could and Embry, though I hadn't seen much of her in-person this whole time, kindly texted me an overview of the most important lessons we'd gone through that week, sending me the PowerPoints that went along with them. I no longer took notes on paper, but I made myself study-guides on Word documents and downloaded them to my Google Drive so I could take them with me anywhere. For that, I was fortunately still on-track to graduate right on time next year.
But who knew how much would change by then? If things turned out badly for Beau, for CJ…
No. I couldn't be so negative about it. We still had time. We still had options. We still had possibilities.
Trying to distract myself a little, I decided to prepare another bag for tomorrow and in addition to a notebook, a pencil case, and the usual change of clothes, I also stuffed my copies of Evanescence's Fallen and BTS' Wings into my canvas carry-on - the two sides of Julie Black. These were the only two albums I insisted on having as physical CD's and downloaded digitally onto all my devices - my iPod Touch, my iPhone, my iPad. Music always boosted my mood, and these two albums always made me feel some type of way.
Nighttime soon fell – we were barely out of winter, after all. I stayed the night at home and drifted off to sleep in my mother's bed - it made me feel better to have her near me after everything that happened. The next morning, Mom was up before me and I sat down with her to have a delicious breakfast of Bonnie's special maple bacon and eggs, one of my most favorite dishes in the world since forever. Then I was off; my mission, should I choose to accept it, clearly focused in my mind's eye.
I pulled into the Cullens' familiar driveway and walked in through the front door. "How's Beau?" I called out to anyone who was listening. His transformation should be well underway by now, maybe even almost over. I felt happier than I ever could have imagined thinking about that outcome; that possibility.
"Hi, Jules." Earnest gave me a big hug. I returned it. "Why don't you go see for yourself?" He led me to the room Beau was staying in. The medical monitors were all unplugged – they probably went haywire not too long ago because I heard Beau's heartbeat extra easily now - stronger, faster. Too strong and too fast though, I thought, for my liking. It sounded unnatural.
"Is it supposed to do that?" I whispered, squeezing Beau's hand. It was nearly warm now. Weird.
Edythe looked up at me, surprised – she was sitting in a chair by his bedside and hadn't heard me coming in. She took a breath; shook her head. "I don't know. I hope so. My mother thinks it's the morphine affecting him somehow." She motioned to Carine, who was marking things down on a clipboard.
"And CJ?" I asked, looking around.
Edythe smiled then, her eyes looking all shiny at the mention of her son. "He's wonderful. And right over there, in case you were curious." She threw a glance over her shoulder. From here, I could see right into the living room – there was Royal, dancing around with CJ in front of the TV. I burst out laughing - seeing the handsomest man on earth playing with a little tiny baby, making funny faces at him, and bursting with that "goo-goo, ga-ga" baby talk like some kind of big goofball was quite a sight to behold.
"Oh my gosh." I shook my head in amusement. "I didn't even see him there. How long has he been at it?"
"I'd like to say day and night, but that's only the slightest exaggeration. He lets me have him once in a while, and I also insist he let the poor child sleep." Edythe chuckled.
"God, I get it." Now all that's left to do was patiently await my turn.
"Actually, you should go on over there right now. My brother has monopolized my son for entirely too much time." Edythe offered, peering into my thoughts.
"Great idea." I marched right up to Royal; held my arms out. "Alright, Blondie. Give him up."
I swear he literally pouted at me – pouted! – like a spoiled child and reluctantly handed the kid over. "I guess you'll be needing this." He sighed with a bit of an attitude, reaching into his pocket and dropping a blue pacifier with a little elephant printed on the middle part down in my hand.
"Thank you, good sir." I laughed and slid the paci into my pocket, then leaned down to nuzzle CJ's perfect little face. It's been way too long since I'd last seen it in-person. "Hey there, buddy." He cooed in recognition and squeezed my finger. "You missed me? I missed you."
One of my most favorite things to do was listening to music, so it was also the first thing I thought to share with him. I took my bag and put Wings into the CD player I'd left here, lying down with CJ on the couch. I ought to start him on his music education journey early, and what better way to do that than with a good ol' fashioned BTS listening session? With CJ scrunched up on my chest, I hit the "Play" button on my CD player and closed my eyes in anticipation of our little journey. Then when my most favorite song off the album, "Blood, Sweat, and Tears", started, I got on my feet. "Oh boy, this is my jam!" I sang along in my best Korean, my turn now to dance around the room with CJ. I swear I could make out an itty-bitty smile on his face just then; his little fists clutching at the air in rhythm to the music. I think it's safe to say that he loved it, too.
I laid back down with him on my chest and we stayed that way, following the rest of the familiar melodies on the track list together. Then after the last song played, the light changed in the room, the sun glimmering on high out the window now. "Wow, would you look at that?" Trying to take advantage of this rare sunny opportunity in grayer-than-gray Forks, I started towards the sliding backdoors with CJ in my arms, wanting to go outside and point out the pretty birds and trees to him from under the sprawling shade of the bigleaf maple in the Cullens' backyard. Just as I rounded past the loveseat closest to it though, his paci fell out of my pocket and clattered to the ground. "Oops. Darn it." Picking it up, I made my way to the kitchen and dropped it into the sink, remembering I'd put the extras in a drawer around here somewhere.
And then I opened the first drawer of the kitchen counter expecting to get my hands on one of those extras only to find a special-edition debut mini Koya plush I'd been eyeing since someone posted about it last year in an exclusive BTS fan chat I was a part of instead.
I stopped in my tracks. Next to it was a birthday card with a puppy in a pointy hat digging into his cake. My birthday was two months ago. Inside, the message written in glittery purple ink read, "Happy (late) birthday, Jules! I'm sorry, I know I suck. Hope it was as special as you are, and wishing you the best year ever being you. Beau."
"Beau, you big dummy." I whispered in a breaking voice, pushing the drawer shut so I couldn't see it anymore. My throat felt tight. I scrubbed a hand over my face to combat the tears I could feel coming on – I couldn't cry like that for CJ's sake, for Edythe's. The rest of the family's. I didn't want those tears to lower our morale in such a precarious time; didn't want to believe there was even reason to shed them at all in the first place. But it was so damn hard to stay so damn positive about it all the damn time because Beau was still there in that other room, nothing at all to indicate that he was on a return-trip back home to us besides the strange, irregular beat of his heart.
Like he could sense what I was feeling, CJ whimpered. "I'm sorry, buddy. I know, I know. Let's try our best together, alright?" I sighed, continuing on my quest just to have something to do to distract myself. I eventually found a clean yellow ducky pacifier and walked out into the sun with CJ in my arms. His skin glowed a creamy, pearly hue here under the bright sky – just enough for maybe those in-the-know to know he wasn't your average human kid, but not enough to keep him in on a sunny day. That was good – he could play outside as much as he wanted, with whomever he wanted to play with. I pointed out to him a little robin, a goldfinch, a chickadee. A brilliant blue butterfly that flew near his face. He looked at it with amazement, much like my own eyes on him.
"Big world, isn't it Ceej?" I kissed him; took his hand. From this vantage point, I could see into the glass room Beau was in. Edythe was there still, holding Beau's hand and stroking his face every now and again. "You've got the best Mommy and Daddy in the world, don't you?" I asked CJ, looking at his parents all the while, remembering what each of them had gone through for him. Taking a breath, I went on. "Now let me reveal some top-secret information about your dad so you know exactly what you're getting into with him…" And then I told CJ all about my best friend - how we met, all we'd been through together. About all the laughter, and joy, we shared. "And he makes a wicked mud pie. And real pie too, I guess." I winked, remembering those days past and present. I continued like that with CJ in the garden, hopeful, waiting for his father, my best friend, to wake up. Waiting, for that frantic pounding, that racing beat…
A changing heart.