A/N: It's so nice getting 5-6 reviews on each chapter! Thank you so much to Sharpe, Tertius711, Lightbrightfury, IrishDreamer4, BrightWatcher, and Black Dragon Master for reviewing chapter 8! I enjoy and appreciate each and every one of your reviews, and look forward to more :D
Some of you have mentioned that Mako might do better in the Fire Nation than Zaofu. Maybe he would - but that's not the first place Lin would think of, and Mako certainly wouldn't go there by himself. Lin knows that Zaofu is peaceful and that Su will look out for Mako - and let's not forget Lin also had her own 'recovery' moment in Zaofu - so, yeah, Zaofu it is. Don't worry, I have plans for the Fire Nation...further down the line...
Here is chapter 9. In terms of timing, we're about 5 months after Book 4.
9. I'm learning how to love myself
The domes of Zaofu open a quarter of an hour before dawn.
He makes his way to the elevated training courtyard while it's still dark. The guards who patrol the area during the night are used to him coming here by now, and they leave him be. He stands facing the still-closed dome, waiting for it to open to the sunrise.
"Here to inspire your muse with the sun as well?"
He jumps like he's been shot with lightning. In the dim light of the torches, Huan Beifong looks rather startled by the violence of his reaction.
"Whoa, settle down, man. I'm not here to kill you."
"Spirits, don't sneak up on people like that!" He's still trying to calm his racing heartbeat.
"I assumed you saw me. You walked right past me."
He hadn't. Obviously. And although Huan obviously has a right to be anywhere in his own city, he can't help but feel irked that his dawn reflection — his daily ritual for the last ten days — is being interrupted.
"What are you doing here, Huan?"
"I find myself uninspired by the humdrum of the mundane, so I seek a new vision with the dawn."
"Uh…"
"No comment is necessary. I am well-used to the pedestrian masses being unable to appreciate my artistry."
Thank Agni.
"We have about a half-hour until sunrise, though. Shall we fill the silent void with prosaic conversation?"
"We don't have to do that," he says hastily. "I'm perfectly fine not talking."
"A man who appreciates the company of his own thoughts," Huan notes approvingly. "Yes, I much prefer the embrace of intelligent silence as well. Inane chatter holds no appeal for me. But I'm in an odd mood today, and as Wing and Wei keep telling me, I need to make an effort to be more 'social'." The air quotes are audible. "So, what brings you up here, Detective Mako?"
"Just Mako," he says, with some resignation. It's just his luck that the normally quiet Beifong brother is feeling chatty. "I come up here to think."
"Hm. What about?"
"I'm…not sure how to put it into words."
"The state of our world? The beauty under the grime? Your place in the vast and kaleidoscopic cosmos?"
"That last one, I guess." It's close enough, anyway.
"Ah," Huan says with sudden understanding. "You're trying to find yourself. The inner Mako, as it were."
"I…suppose?" He huffs. "Yeah, that's about right, actually."
"Did you lose him or have you never been able to figure out who he is?"
He's slightly thrown by the question. He's never thought about it before.
"I think…I used to know him — me, I mean," he answers slowly. "When it was just Bolin and I growing up, I always knew my purpose was to look after him, keep him safe. Then Korra came along, and — though I resisted at first — I knew I had to help her fight Amon and the Equalists. Then I became a cop, and I'm supposed to help keep the city safe — and it really meant something for a while, but lately I don't see that I'm actually making a difference at all. Every time I put some crook away, someone else crawls out of the woodwork — every time we corner a triad, they manage to do something to get out of it." He threads frustrated fingers through his hair, half-wondering why he's confiding all this to Huan, of all people, when he's barely spoken two words to the artist in his life.
"You sound like Grandma Toph," Huan comments.
He stares. "What?"
"Grandma used to complain that no matter what she did as Chief of Police, crime always remained. She didn't feel like she was making a difference, so she quit."
"Toph retired as a hero after a long service." At least, that's what everyone in the Republic City Police Department believes.
Huan snorts. "That's the official story, and that's what Mom thinks — but Mom's never been very good at reading people."
"And…you are?" He'd never have pegged the introverted artist to be particularly insightful about others.
"True art captures the essence of life, Mako. What kind of artist would I be if I couldn't see the truth behind the pretence?"
He's spared the trouble of answering as the domes open up, the joints of the platinum petals creaking quietly as they gently lower. The sky is a dark indigo and the stars still twinkle, but the first hints of lightening shades soften the expanse. Dawn is not far away.
Huan closes his eyes and inhales the fresh air with satisfaction. "Ah…there's nothing quite like a new day to stir your spirit." The Beifong brother casts him a side glance. "You know, Mako, it seems to me that you're so used to living for other people that you've forgotten how to live for yourself."
"What?"
"You've spent so many years having your life revolve around other people — Bolin, Korra, Wu, the RCPD — that you never took the time to figure out who Mako is, and what he lives for. Which is why, in this new dawn of your life — where none of the people you used to live for need you in that way anymore — you have absolutely no idea what to do."
"That's not true," he protests, but Huan quirks an eyebrow at him and he caves. "Okay, maybe." He exhales. "It just…it seems like everyone I know has their own purpose — one that doesn't include me anymore — and…I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing."
"There is no 'supposed to' about it," Huan says with surprising force. "You're free to live your own life. Find what makes you happy, and go do that."
"It's not that simple. I have responsibilities…"
"Unless I'm mistaken, this is the freest you've ever been in your life," Huan points out. "You're on leave, you don't have to support Bolin, and you don't have to help the Avatar with some world crisis. This —" He makes a sweeping gesture with his arms. "— is what we call a golden opportunity, Mako. Take control of the canvas of your life and let the inner Mako express himself — in whatever way that may be."
He envies Huan, he really does. Zaofu is an incredible place to grow up in, and he's sure Suyin and Bataar Sr were loving, encouraging parents who gave their children everything they needed to come into their own.
He didn't have that. He's not equipped to 'live his own life', and he feels like Huan is making it sound easier than it actually is.
Huan notices his lack of conviction. "Look, you're not the only one who struggles to figure out who they are and what they want, you know. I was pretty aimless myself for a long time."
That's news. Huan has always been so passionate about his art, it's hard to imagine he wasn't always that way. "You were?"
"Oh yes. I'm not the most accomplished metalbender in my family, I'm sure you've noticed. Bataar was always Dad's favourite — until recent events, anyway — because of his engineering genius. Wing and Wei are expert benders and Mom's doted on them since they were born — and Opal was the only girl, so she got a lot of attention too. Don't get me wrong, my parents loved me, but I was left on my own a lot, and I had to figure out who Huan was." He says this all very matter-of-factly. "I'm not smart like Bataar, or amazing at bending like Wing and Wei, or a big reader like Opal. It took me a long time to learn that art was my true calling." Huan smiles beatifically; the expression seems out of place on his normally dour countenance. "Once I discovered that, it gave me a pursuit that fulfilled me as much as my siblings' pursuits fulfilled them."
He muses over that, hearing what Huan isn't saying. I was lost, too. I felt useless, once. I know how it feels, to have no direction.
Maybe Huan understands more than he thought.
"It might take time." But there is a way up. "But it's a new dawn, Mako." Huan gestures at the brightening edge where sky meets land. "Make the day what you want it to be."
He is in Zaofu, the city of progress and innovation and looking to the future. He is valued by his friends: by Korra who called him home, by Bolin who will always have his back, by Asami who always has time for him despite her busy schedule, by Lin who sent him here to recover. And maybe he has no concrete purpose at present — but he is young, still — he has time.
And he is not alone.
Huan meets his eyes — pale jade and liquid amber — in understanding and camaraderie. And he thinks that if his friends — if Huan, who barely knows him — can have such faith in him, perhaps he really is worthy of a purpose just as grand and fulfilling as any of theirs. Perhaps it really is just a matter of finding it, the way they found theirs. They each had their own journey — Huan, Korra, Bolin, Asami…now, he supposes it's his turn.
The first rays of light peek over the violet horizon. The fire within him sings as he lifts his face to the rising sun.
For the first time in a long time, he feels like himself again.
A/N: Thus begins Mako's recovery arc. For the most part, the next ten or so chapters are all standalones, but they all build on each other. I can't seem to stay away from narrative continuity. There will be ups and downs, highs and lows - because mental health has become a big theme of this story and I want to be as realistic as possible in my portrayal (putting my psychology major to good use). It's not always linear progress (it usually isn't).
This chapter's lyric is from 'Answer: Love Myself' by BTS. Yep, I listen to K-pop too. I used one of the actual English lines from the song, but the rest of the lyrics are also very meaningful if you translate them.
Expect the next update sometime this weekend. Have a great rest of the week.