A/N: Thank you to Sharpe, Tertius711, Auren02, Black Dragon Master, AlexandriaNymphadora, and IrishDreamer4 for your great reviews on moment 11.
CONTENT WARNING: I'm bumping the rating on this story to T, because the themes are getting heavier. This chapter itself has a content warning for descriptions of drowning and a panic attack.
12. I got so much to lose, I'm losing my mind
"Tell me about the nightmares."
He shuffles uncomfortably in the chair, trying to avoid the mind healer's keen gaze.
"What about them?"
"What are they about?"
"Nothing." Everything.
"Mako." She sounds exasperated and he knows he's being difficult — but dammit, he's not used to opening up to total strangers — he barely even does it with friends (he's working on it). He's only here because it's compulsory before he's allowed back to work.
He shrugs, deliberately casual. "There really isn't much to tell. They're not coherent." They don't have to be. The disjointed fragments of memory that plague his nights are enough to relive the real experiences.
When he's awake, it's easier to remember his worth and his hope and to push on with his progress. But when he sleeps, he has no control over the thoughts and emotions that swirl through his mind. Flashes of remembered terror, anguish, despair, and loathing — kept in check with conscious effort during the day, they threaten to drag him back under during the night. In his darkest moments, he thinks it would have been easier to die than to struggle through this recovery process.
That kind of thinking isn't going to do any good.
He wrenches his thoughts away from that path, refocusing on the mind healer. She's observing him intently, as if she knows his internal struggle, and he quells his instinctual urge to snap at her. Lashing out, he's learned, is his self-defence mechanism, to get people off his back when he doesn't want to share what's really bothering him.
"Mako, you need to let it out if you want to heal."
"I am healing," he says at once. "I'm doing much better than I was two months ago." He knows that's definitively true. His arm is almost back to full function, he can firebend again (still no lightningbending, though), he doesn't feel so alone anymore, and life is no longer so empty.
"Physically, yes. Mentally, you still have some way to go."
And damn it, he knows that's true too.
Abruptly, he drops his head into his hands and groans. "Why is this harder than physical therapy?"
The healer is compassionate, but firm. "Because your mental scars run much deeper than your physical ones. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you've buried a lot of trauma since even before you were injured, haven't you?"
He doesn't look up, but grunts an affirmative.
Inexplicably, the healer looks pleased. "Good, you're admitting it." She makes a note on her clipboard; he has an irrational desire to rip the thing from her hands and burn it.
"Are you going to record everything I say?" he asks plaintively.
She is unfazed. "I need to, in order to help you."
"I'm only here because I want my job back."
"In order to get your job back, you need to be mentally fit. Being a detective is not easy — you need a strong mind not to buckle under the pressure or the unsavoury things you will encounter in the line of duty." She taps a finger further up on her clipboard and raises an eyebrow. "Seems like you already have some experience with that, hm?"
He suddenly goes cold. "What did they put in there?"
"Your service record. Whatever they know of your history from before you joined the force."
He mentally runs through the list of personal information he had to submit when he applied to the RCPD, wondering what could have captured the mind healer's interest. Nothing about how his parents had died, only that they are dead…Lin knows some of his triad history, but not all the details…
"Shall we talk about the Red Monsoon gambling dens?"
Fuck.
He'd almost forgotten about that — that's how well he's repressed it.
It was just after Bolin left to work for Kuvira. The Red Monsoons had started up a new money-making enterprise: underwater gambling dens, only accessible by waterbending from the Red Monsoon hideout by the docks. Lin had sent him along with a small squad of RCPD waterbenders to stake out the place, reasoning that they might need a different element on their side if things went south and they needed to fight the triad — which wasn't quite what ended up happening. After four days of observation, they had attempted to covertly waterbend into the gambling dens to uncover enough evidence to make their case against the Red Monsoons. They'd been as careful as they could, but apparently there was a very particular way they needed to bend the water of the bay in order not to collapse the entire underwater structure. The dens had caved in and flooded, trapping dozens of gamblers underwater. The Red Monsoons, of course, fled to save their hides, and the police waterbenders had to save the triad's clients from drowning at the bottom of the bay.
He had had the misfortune of being pinned down by debris — not injured, just unable to free himself (because firebending is practically useless underwater) — and had nearly drowned before a colleague noticed his plight and rescued him.
It's the most well-hidden of all his traumas (he's dismayed to realise just how many he has) — only a handful of his colleagues even know about it, and only Lin has any inkling that he was affected by it much more than he'd let on. He suspects part of the reason why she offered him as a bodyguard for Wu right after that was to pull him off detective duty for a while, and give him something else to focus on besides his near-death experience.
He always has done better when he's had other people to focus on.
"Let's not…talk about that," he hedges.
The healer peers at him, analysing. "You've never told anyone, have you?"
Hell no. He's never dared to revisit this particular incident, even in his own mind. Only in the depths of his nightmares does he recall the terror of suffocation, the pressure of the water all around him, the utter helplessness as he was unable to do even something as simple as breathing.
She sighs as he shakes his head. "Mako, I'm trying to help you, but you have to give me something to work with."
He barely hears her. He's too busy breathing as deeply as he can, desperately reminding himself that he isn't underwater, isn't fighting futilely against the burn of deprived lungs. To his horror, he feels the same burn spreading now, and there's suddenly not enough air in the room…
A hand grasps his shoulder, steadying him against the tide of imagined water.
"Breathe, Mako."
He inhales sharply, gasping uncontrollably.
"Slowly. Inhale for me — one, two, three…"
He forces himself to follow her count, breathing in and out on her cue. Gradually, his breathing eases, his heartbeat calms, and his mind stops making him think he's drowning again.
The mind healer clucks sympathetically. "We have a lot to work on, don't we?"
He squeezes his eyelids against tears of panic and crushes the heel of his palm against his forehead.
"I hate this," he mumbles.
"I know. It isn't easy. You've had more than your fair share of trauma and we're only just beginning to deal with it. But we'll get through it, Mako. I just need you to work with me, all right?"
Her tone is gentle, nonjudgmental, and suddenly she's not just an obstacle he has to overcome to get back to work. Suddenly, she might just be the lifeline he needs to pull through the darkness and despair he's hidden, buried, and deliberately ignored for all his life. He's only now starting to realise just how damaged he is, and that his recovery is going to be a longer road than he thought.
Agni, why can't my life ever be easy?
It's no wonder he's been so lost and aimless. He's been holding so much in, in the hopes of not having to ever deal with it all, that he's smothered his 'inner Mako' to the point that he hasn't been able to grow. And now all his issues are resurfacing with a vengeance. His method for coping — repressing everything and refusing to talk about them — has blown up in his face.
If he wants to truly rid himself of the baggage — to actually, properly heal — he's going to have to confront it all.
"When we hit our lowest point, we're open to the greatest change…Now you have a chance to make that change count."
His mind is his own worst enemy right now, but he has a chance to change that.
He looks up, into his mind healer's eyes, and makes his decision.
"All right."
A/N: This author's note is going to be a long one, so buckle in.
#1: Lyric today is from 'Losing My Mind' by Charlie Puth.
#2: The Red Monsoon incident was inspired by the line from Mako's letter in 'Korra Alone': "Beifong has me staking out the Red Monsoon hideout. You won't believe what's going down."
#3: Time for a little psychology lesson on Mako — which I am uniquely qualified to give, seeing as I majored in psych.
Psych Analysis: Why Mako has PTSD
Depression and PTSD are frequently comorbid, and there are two theories as to why. The first theory is that the overlap of symptoms between the two conditions commonly result in both diagnoses being applied. Basically, certain symptoms fall into the diagnostic criteria for both depression and PTSD, and a psychologist may arrive at either or both diagnoses.
The second theory is that depression and PTSD together form a particular trauma-related phenotype (distinct from Major Depressive Disorder, which is usually what people mean when they refer to depression) wherein those who tend to internalise their emotions and reactions, and who have experienced traumatic events, become prone to depression.
How does this relate to Mako? Well, I'd like to draw your attention to Asami's line from S3E1: "Mako has never been the most in-touch-with-his-feelings guy." It's always been apparent to me that Mako tends to repress his emotions, particularly those that confuse him or negatively affect him — he internalises, a lot. Mako also seems to have a high level of neuroticism, which means he reacts more negatively to stress; and he is not an extrovert, which means he is less likely to seek social activities, support from others, or potentially mood-lifting activities. High neuroticism plus low extraversion = greater risk of depression and PTSD. Oh, and you know what else is a risk factor for developing these disorders? Childhood adversity and abuse, which Mako had in spades.
So, Mako clearly has a predisposition to developing mental issues. He also has undergone plenty of canon traumas: witnessing his parents' murder, being a bender of the same element that killed his parents, his time with the triads (we know they're a violent bunch and he's been threatened before), being bloodbent, nearly having his bending taken away, being framed and thrown in jail, facing the end of the world (Unavaatu and Harmonic Convergence), being forced to kill Ming-Hua, seeing Korra poisoned and dying, nearly dying taking down the Colossus, and his long-term arm injury. While PTSD can develop after one trauma, it becomes more likely to develop after repeated or multiple traumas, which Mako clearly has had.
Now, let's talk symptoms. Let me tell ya, a lot of Mako's behaviour in canon can be attributed to PTSD. The following are symptoms of PTSD that Mako has explicitly demonstrated in the show:
- blaming others for stuff that goes wrong (his default mode, most infamously with his romantic misdemeanours)
- irritability and hypervigilance (Book 2, oh boy)
- reckless behaviour (the triad sting operation in Book 2)
- feeling detached or estranged from others (his line in S3E1: "I feel like I'm drifting apart from everyone")
- diminished interest or participation in activities (had to be persuaded to join the hunt for airbenders, was reluctant to participate in the airbending show in S3E2)
- persistent negative expectations about self, others, or the world (Mako automatically assumes the worst)
- persistent negative emotional states, such as fear and sadness (in Mako's case, anger, shame, and confusion, as seen in the love triangle)
- diminished ability to experience positive emotions (seriously, how many times have we seen Mako smile on the show?)
Put all that together, and we have a very strong case for Mako having PTSD even without all the stuff I've thrown at him in this story. Just to make it even more obvious, here are additional symptoms he's displayed in this fic (so far):
- exaggerated negative beliefs
- distorted cognitions, including guilt
- efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, activities, people or places related to trauma
- nightmares
- flashbacks during which it feels like the trauma is repeating
It's also common for people struggling with mental health to think they are recovering well, only to find out that they actually have a much longer and tougher road ahead of them, as Mako did in this chapter.
Thank you for attending my TED-Talk on Mako's possible (likely) PTSD. I'd cite my references, but FF doesn't like links. Just Google anything to do with PTSD and the relationship between PTSD and depression and you'll get these facts.
PSA: Mental health recovery is not a one and done kind of deal. It is a long process, it's often nonlinear, and it takes time and effort. What I've shown thus far of Mako's journey, and what I hope to show in subsequent chapters, is only a representation of the issue. Real-life recoveries may or may not follow a similar trajectory.
Wishing good things and stable mental health to everyone reading.