A/N: I am ever grateful to BlackDragonMaster, AsahixMe, MasterKriebel, Sharpe, kalu.23, CrazyPhenom, devilfiredog18, Aquamirra, and Guest for reviewing!
30. It's complicated but understand me
"You're quiet."
Zoya's gentle comment breaks him from his reverie. He pulls back from his absent-minded observation of the shore to look at her.
"Hm?"
They're walking along the beach of the Harmony District, fresh from a pleasant dinner with Zoya's parents. He'd been right about Haruko: Zoya's father is unmistakably of Water Tribe descent, brown-skinned and blue-eyed — and just as distinctively of Fire Nation culture, with his mannerisms and food preferences (he is also surprisingly witty with a jaunty sense of humour). Misazi, on the other hand, is the typical embodiment of the Fire Nation — black-haired, golden-eyed, with sharp, elegant features, dignified and reserved; she is a Fire National through and through, and freely, utterly devoted to Haruko. In fact, according to Haruko, it had been Misazi who suggested relocating to Republic City when the prejudice of their village against her husband and daughter became too much to bear. Haruko himself had been adopted by a couple who cared little for the narrow-mindedness of their community, loved him as if he were their own blood, and are the only reason Zoya and her parents still occasionally visit the Fire Nation.
He thinks this is absolutely fascinating (if a little sad) and makes a note to tell Iroh that not everyone in the Fire Nation is set against Water Tribespeople.
"What's on your mind, Mako?" Zoya asks.
Too many things. His thoughts haven't left him alone for weeks.
"Just…thinking."
Zoya frowns. "About?"
He'd like to tell her — at least some of it — but he's been putting off going to Erin because he has no idea how to translate his thoughts to words. If he can't find the words to tell his mind healer, he seriously doubts he'll be able to tell Zoya; girlfriend or not, he's known her for a much shorter time.
"Your parents are nice," he says instead. He sees his own parents' happy, mixed-race marriage in Haruko and Misazi, and he remembers similar dinners full of love and laughter from his childhood.
Zoya's frown deepens, and he glimpses a flash of hurt in her eyes before she turns her face away. Instantly, the guilt tightens his chest, like a horrible clawed beast.
"Zoya," he pleads, stopping mid-walk to take both her hands in his. "I'm not evading the question. I really was thinking about your parents." Among other things.
She studies him for a moment, amber searching amber. "No," she agrees, "you aren't evading. You're just not telling me everything." It's clear that this upsets her.
"Zoya," he groans. "Look, you know I have…issues." He's told her some of his mental struggles — nowhere near the whole story, but enough so she knows what she's getting into.
"And I don't care that you do," she tells him. "But you also told me you were working on them, and getting better."
"I am, I am." I need to get back on top of it. "I'm just…going through a rough patch right now." By his estimation, his current slump is about three months along. It's nowhere near as bad as it was a year and a half ago, but he knows he's slipping. I really should talk to Erin. He's self-aware enough to recognise that the resurgence of his reluctance to go to his mind healer means he absolutely needs to do so.
"I know." Zoya touches his face gently, carefully; he leans unconsciously into her caress. "Which is why I'm asking. Talk to me, Mako. Please. I want to help."
He breathes in, then out. He owes it to her to try.
"Do you wanna sit for a moment?" He looks around for somewhere to do just that — a bench or step, or some low wall, perhaps — but there's only the beach…and Zoya promptly plops down, rearranging her skirt to make herself comfortable.
He laughs in fond disbelief. She smirks back at him and pats the white sand beside her; he accepts the invitation, sitting cross-legged on the beach. Her brown hand casually comes to rest on his knee, a request and reassurance both at once.
"I have a lot on my mind," he warns her. "And I won't be able to tell you everything all at once."
She nods once in understanding. He exhales, bolstering his nerves. Quashes the shame.
"I think…I'm in the middle of a relapse," he admits. "It's not that serious, but…it is what it is. I'm detached from a lot of things I shouldn't be detaching from — and it's taking a lot of effort to…to care, about certain things."
Her eyes widen, but she remains silent, and for that he's grateful.
He goes on, "I know I'm repressing again. I know. That's what I do, when I'm not…doing well. There are too many thoughts and too many feelings that I don't want to deal with, so I avoid them. And I know that makes them worse, but I just can't help feeling…" He sighs. "I don't want to be this numb, but it's scarier not to be. Can you understand that?"
She nods again. She still doesn't speak. It's very different from Erin, who would be peppering him with patient questions by this point. Zoya's aura is just as compassionate, though — just as open and nonjudgmental, and it makes it easier to continue.
"I had a…bad experience in the bay once. I nearly drowned. I got over that, but lately it's been bothering me again. Not to the point where I freeze and flash back to the near-drowning, like I used to — but bad enough that I don't want to be too near any water, for now. So…if you were wondering why I was so opposed to going swimming last week, that's why."
He doesn't look at Zoya this time. He watches the waves of Yue Bay lap against the shore, thinks how this gentle water was turned into a weapon to harm Minsu, recalls how it harmed him. He stares hard at the water, as if by doing so he can confront and conquer all he's been avoiding for the last three months.
He doesn't realise his left arm is trembling until Zoya lays her hand over his.
"Does it hurt?" she queries softly. She's seen the scars, and she knows they were caused by lightning. Zoya isn't a firebender, but Misazi is. One doesn't grow up with firebending without understanding where such scars come from; she knew before he told her about the Colossus.
He flips his hand over to entwine their fingers; it steadies his arm and ceases the shaking. "No. The physical symptoms are long gone." What's left now of that trauma is the fear of re-injury — especially now that it's been brought to the forefront by recent events. "But…sometimes…I imagine that it's hurt again." He hasn't bent lightning since Minsu's arm was injured — hasn't even dared to make his fire too hot (which is another reason he hasn't been able to get back to glassmaking). Minsu is in the middle of physical therapy now, and making great strides with his upbeat positivity…but — although he makes sure to provide aid and encouragement — it just hits too close to home.
He's not sure what he expected Zoya to say. And as it turns out, she says nothing at all. She simply curls her other hand around his scarred arm and leans her head into his shoulder — warm, wordless, and comforting. The tender, gentle pressure of her skin against his soothes his troubled soul, quietens the clamour of his mind. He shifts his arms so that he's holding Zoya within their circle, her head nestled under his chin. He relaxes and turns his face towards her, presses his lips to her hair.
"You're taking this a lot better than I thought you would," he murmurs, inhaling the flowery scent of her shampoo.
"Mm," she sighs. "I'm just glad you're opening up to me again. I didn't like you shutting me out for the last few months."
"I'm sorry," he apologises. He is, frankly, amazed at how patient she's been, with his obsessive work habits and unwillingness to talk. He knows he's been distancing himself, but Zoya has not lashed out at him for it — not even once. She's given him space, waited him out…even tonight, when she decided she'd waited long enough, she hadn't lost her patience — and that is precisely what made him willing to confide in her. Zoya had stood her ground when she'd had enough, but she'd coaxed him out instead of yelling at him.
If Korra had been this way when…
He stops himself right there. Korra is not part of this picture. It is Zoya whom he's holding, Zoya who put up with his reticence and then gave him the opportunity to explain his side.
But it's Korra he wishes he'd gotten it from.
Stop it, Mako, he scolds himself. He remembers Iroh's advice.
"How you decide to treat Zoya is more important than what you feel for Korra. If you're open to Zoya, the love will grow."
Be open, be open, he chants to himself.
He hugs Zoya closer, trying to express what he can't in words. She seems to get it, snuggling happily into his chest.
"This is new for me," he confesses, by way of explanation.
"What is?"
"The idea of…sharing bad things with a partner. Not having to be the strong one all the time." In almost a whisper: "Letting my girlfriend see…how weak I actually am."
She scoffs lightly; before he can be offended, she pulls back slightly so she can look at his face. "You're not weak, Mako. You're still standing after all that trauma — spirits, you're still a cop! That's not an easy path ever, and it's especially tough after the things you've suffered. A lot of people would've quit instead. Everything you've been through — and the fact that you're here telling me all this — proves that you are one of the strongest people I know."
Her voice is earnest, bracing; it warms the numbness and makes him feel more capable than he has in weeks.
"Besides," she continues, "That's what relationships are about, aren't they? Being vulnerable with each other, trusting each other — growing into better people together?"
Her guileless eyes meet his; there's a certain light in them, a shine of emotion, and it quickens his heartbeat.
Neither of them has voiced the word before in their five-month relationship, but his mind whispers it to him: Love.
He's been trying not to see it — because it means another thing he has to face — but he can't deny it now. Zoya loves him.
Now, the question is: can he love her?
A/N: Emotions are complicated. Relationships even more so. Mental health even more so. Safe to say, Mako has some things to figure out.
Song today is 'Patience' by Take That.