A/N: Thank you Sharpe, BlackDragonMaster, IrishDreamer4, MasterKriebel, Tertius711, Guest, AsahixMe, CrazyPhenom, Aquamirra, and devilfiredog18 for reviewing!
I'm so glad you all find the OCs (and Zoya, especially) good characters in their own right. Gives me assurance that I can craft believable characters too, instead of just writing fanfic about pre-existing ones.
Here's Chapter 31.
31. I'm doing all I can to be a better man
Erin assesses him with just a single glance.
She gestures to the couch with her ever-present clipboard. "Tell me everything."
He collapses onto the seat with his head in his hands. "It came back," he mumbles. "Not all of it…but bad enough."
"Which parts?"
Haltingly, he tells her about the last few months. The lack of sleep and the nightmares that plague him when he does sleep. The renewed fear of hurting his arm again, and thus the return of his reluctance to bend lightning. Guilt over Minsu and the failure of his sting operation. Doubt about his ability as a sergeant. Wariness of water. Avoiding people. Being aware of his unhealthy coping mechanisms, but lacking the strength of will to reinstate healthier behaviours. Gnawing emptiness and pessimism that's wearing him down a little more each day.
Erin listens with sympathy in her brows and compassion in her eyes, even as she jots notes on her clipboard. When he's talked himself out she sets the clipboard aside and hands him a glass of water.
"I'm glad you came."
He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding and accepts the water, grateful for more than just the lack of remonstration that he hadn't come earlier.
"What do I do, Erin?" he asks forlornly. "I don't want to feel this way — but it feels like I'm right back at the beginning, with so much to do — I've already done it before, and now I have to do it again?"
"You knew this might happen," she reminds him gently. "And you are not right back at the beginning, Mako. You wouldn't have come here of your own volition if you were." She pats his shoulder comfortingly. "The journey back won't be nearly as hard as it was the first time, precisely because you've been through it before."
He grunts something unintelligible, but the tenor of it seems to satisfy Erin.
"Have you talked to your brother any of your friends recently?"
"I saw Bolin yesterday. Haven't spoken to Korra or Asami in…a while," he says evasively.
Erin narrows her eyes. "How long is 'a while'?"
He shouldn't even have tried; Erin has never let him get away with such vague quantifiers before. "Couple months," he sighs in resignation.
Her brows knit together in clear disapproval. "Mako…"
"I haven't been a total recluse," he protests. "I've been talking with Minsu, Juno, and Xien quite a bit at work."
"That's good, but your colleagues — close as you are to them — are still part of your work circle. Your tendency is to withdraw into work when you don't want to deal with other things — to counter that, you need interaction outside of work." She purses her lips as she refers to her clipboard, flipping a few pages back. "What happened to your weekly lunches with Asami?"
He drops his gaze. "I, uh…asked to stop. For a while."
"Why?"
He squirms under her scrutiny. "I needed to…work. On the sting. And after."
"What about Iroh? Huan?" He's told her about his friendships with both men, and she'd been pleased to learn about his growing social connections.
"Iroh's busy. Huan's in Zaofu; I haven't written in weeks. And Kai's been away for the past month," he forestalls her next question.
"Is there anyone outside work you've been interacting with regularly in the last few months?"
"Zoya."
He'd expected her to know immediately whom he was talking about — since Erin is the one single person who probably knows the most about what's going on in his life and mind — but the mind healer's eyebrow quirks questioningly. "Who's Zoya?"
Okay, so it's been quite a bit longer than he'd thought since he was last here.
"Zoya is my girlfriend."
Erin's eyebrow rises higher. "I see. When did this happen?"
He takes a brief pause to count. "About five and a half months ago."
"Well." Erin scribbles something on her clipboard; he idly wonders whether that thing has amassed his entire life history by now. "And how's that been going?"
"Good, for the most part." He hesitates. "She's been great," he adds, more earnestly. "She's sweet and caring and kind and so patient with me and my crap. I feel safe with her — I don't have to tread lightly, no topic is taboo — and I know she doesn't judge me for anything I tell her. She's easy to talk to, about so many things."
Erin observes him carefully. "So, does this mean you're over Korra?"
If only. "I wish I could say yes. I'm trying, and I do care for Zoya, very much. But…I don't know if I'm there yet."
Erin looks at him sympathetically. "Your love for Korra runs very deep."
He releases a short, scoffed laugh. "Tell me about it. I don't…" He sighs, takes a breath, and tries again, with uncertainty in his eyes. "I don't know if…it's possible for me to love someone else anymore?" His voice rises at the end, making it a question.
Erin sighs. "I can't answer that, Mako. Love comes in many different forms. I would normally say that time tempers even the most passionate love — but your feelings for Korra have lasted for years past your breakup, and they only seem to have deepened with time. Which makes me wonder whether you're unconsciously holding on, for all that you've said you've let her go."
He frowns. "What do you mean?"
"Mako, love starts as an emotion, but lasts as a decision. When you love someone, you make a choice to do so. It's rooted in feelings, yes — but in order for it to endure, and blossom, you have to actively choose to stay committed to that love. Otherwise, it fades, like a flower without nourishment." Her expression is contemplative. "But evidently, your love for Korra has not faded at all. I think, at this point, it's just part of who you are. Much like how Bolin was such an essential part of your life and your devotion to him shaped so much of the person you were…Korra changed you so much and how you feel about her has become synonymous with the person you've become now — an inseparable part of your psyche."
He blinks, processing that. Then he groans, pressing his knuckles to his forehead. "Great. Terrific. Can I never move on?"
"Only you can answer that." Erin's tone holds a note of apology; this is one area where she can't help guide him to the right answer. Because really, there is no right answer.
He groans again, only this time it comes out sounding like a moan. "I want to love Zoya," he whispers. "She deserves it."
"I'm sure you do love her, in your own way — but whether that's the kind of love you should or need to have for her, or whether that can match — or even coexist with — how you love Korra... that's something only you can decide.
"That's something I admire about you, Mako," she admits. "You don't do things by halves; it's all or nothing, with you. You either believe in something or you don't; you either try with everything you have or you don't bother entirely." She adds significantly, "You either love someone wholeheartedly or you don't."
"Asami might beg to differ."
"Asami was you still trying to figure out what you wanted," she points out. "Not to mention you were repressing the hell out of your feelings for Korra. It's different now; you know whom you love." Her expression softens. "Stop blaming yourself for everything that went wrong with your relationships five years ago. It wasn't all you, and you're a different person now."
His brow furrows as he grapples with that concept. He's spent years assuming responsibility for the failure of both his romances with Asami and Korra; it's peculiar to have someone point out that he wasn't the only one at fault.
"Am I really, though?" he inquires tentatively. "Different, I mean?"
Erin scowls. Her fingers twitch on her clipboard. "Shall I read out the description I wrote of you when you first appeared in my office?"
He was right; that thing does contain his entire life. He cringes at the thought of what Erin might have written. "No, thank you," he says hastily.
"Then stop being absurd, Mako. You know you've changed for the better. This little blip does not negate any of your efforts to improve yourself."
Her attitude in that moment reminds him so much of Korra that he breaks out into a disbelieving smile. He knows Korra would beat sense into his head if she were here.
Get a grip, Mako, he imagines she'd say. People believe in you. Open your eyes and see yourself the way everyone else does for once.
He exhales slowly, then nods once.
Erin's expression clears when she sees the acceptance on his face. In a gentler tone, she says, "Do me a favour, Mako. Do one thing everyday, just for yourself. At least an hour. Go back to glassmaking, or talk to Bolin, or spend time with Zoya. One hour a day. You already know from experience that it will help."
He does know this. He just hadn't been able to bring himself to restart the activities that make things better, because his relapse had shaken his belief in his recovery. But he also knows that he will get nowhere if he simply wallows in his depression.
"And Mako?"
He glances back at Erin, who is writing on her clipboard again. To his surprise, though, this time she tears off the paper and hands it to him.
"Keep that somewhere you can see it. You need a constant reminder."
He looks at the note in his hand, and sees the brief message she has penned in big striking letters, almost scored into the paper.
It gets better.
He meets her eyes, oddly touched, and she deliberately stares back at him.
"Am I seeing you next week?" she asks, almost casually.
It gets better. "Yes. I'll be here."
Erin smiles.
A/N: Lyric is from 'Better Man' by Robbie Williams.
Psych lesson incoming.
PTSD and Retraumatisation
With proper treatment, many people with PTSD feel like they are back to normal within 3 months to a year. Mako's been in therapy for over a year at this point, and as we have seen, he has recovered and has been doing loads better, living normally. However, PTSD (and its related comorbidities, like depression and anxiety) can also relapse unexpectedly due to triggers or reminders. In Mako's case, the stress of the Red Monsoon operation and Minsu getting hurt triggered old unhealthy habits (e.g. lack of sleep, self-blame, avoidance of people). Moreover, the nature of Minsu's injury being so similar to Mako's own makes him feel like he's re-experiencing his own trauma and reawakens the fear of re-injury and the avoidance mechanisms he employs to deal with that. This is called retraumatisation, wherein important elements of the original trauma are replicated without actually injuring the person again, but cause them to re-experience the trauma anew.
Retraumatisation complicates PTSD recovery. While the person does not forget what they have learned in therapy, they could lose belief in the recovery actually working, which makes them less likely to continue practicing the healthy strategies they've been taught. That, of course, leads to regression in mental health, which leads to more symptoms — which affect cognitions, emotions, and relationships — which in turn feed back into more symptoms…and so it goes. Retraumatisation can lead to:
- loss of trust and security
- feelings of pessimism, fatalism, or cynicism
- less enthusiasm for treatment or optimism about its benefits
- persistent fears or paranoia
- increased vulnerability to triggers
- greater reactivity to stress
Thus, it is important for therapy to address the resurgence caused by retraumatisation, and to lead the person back to a stable recovery road.
At this point, I wouldn't necessarily say Mako's reaction to recent events is severe enough to be classified as retraumatisation, but it's definitely something to keep in mind about his mental state at the moment.
Once again, I have a reference, but I can't link it here. Look up PTSD retraumatisation and you'll find more sources than you can throw a stone at with this same info.
Here's hoping everyone is staying safe and sane.