A/N: Happy International Women's Day to my fellow females!

Thank you to all my reviewers, loyal and new: Black Dragon Master, Sharpe, MagatsuIza, Guest, FireLordAziz, Raider, devilfiredog18, CrazyPhenom, and StevenBodner.

I'm really pleased with this chapter. I hope you will be too!

52. Chrome my mind, cauterise this feeling

Zuko is sitting on the bench next to Mai Lee.

He only notices the Fire Lord Precedent when he turns around to congratulate Korra for generating her first bolt of lightning; he freezes when he sees him, feeling oddly embarrassed.

How long has he been there? Why is the legendary Lord Zuko watching him give the Avatar a lightningbending lesson? Zuko could probably give Korra a better lightningbending lesson; hell, Zuko could probably give him a lightningbending lesson.

He nudges Korra and points towards the bench, and then they both make their way over to bow before the aged royal.

"Lord Zuko, sir."

"Oh, don't stop the training on my account," says Zuko as he bows back. "Please, continue."

"Uh…" There is no way he can continue teaching Korra when the man who was Avatar Aang's firebending master is right there. "That's okay, sir, we're just about done anyway."

Korra juts out her bottom lip, clearly not ready to stop just when she's bent lightning for the first time. She prepares to refute him, but his eyes slide toward Zuko and plead with her, and she understands.

So, apparently, does Zuko. "I see."

Ah, fuck.

"It's not you, sir. I just…I…um…" He glances at Korra for help, but she shrugs helplessly.

Zuko holds up a hand. "Korra, would you give us a moment alone? Mai, why don't you show Korra some chi-blocking moves?"

Quick on the uptake, Mai Lee cheerfully stands and leads Korra away.

"Come sit, Mako."

He does, gingerly.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of, you know. You're a gifted lightningbender."

He flushes automatically and averts his gaze. "I just trained hard, that's all. Korra's the gifted one — it only took her two hours to —"

"A student can only learn if the master is proficient. You cannot teach what you do not know."

"Korra's the Avatar, though."

"Indeed. The first Avatar ever to learn to lightningbend." Zuko brushes an invisible speck of dirt off his robes. "It's not a technique any of her past lives knew, so she has no innate advantage from any previous learning. But future Avatars will draw on the knowledge you've given her to bend lightning."

Oh. That…wasn't something he'd thought about.

"It's quite an accomplishment, Mako."

Desperate to deflect the praise, he blurts, "You never taught Aang how to lightningbend?"

"He didn't wish to learn it. It went against his pacifist nature."

"Oh."

"I did teach Iroh, though. He's quite gifted in it as well."

This is more comfortable territory. "Yes, he is. You must have been an excellent teacher."

Zuko laughs. "I don't know about that. I never created a single bolt of lightning myself."

To say that surprises him is an understatement. He twists and blinks at the former Fire Lord in shock. "You've never generated lightning? But — how did you teach Iroh?"

"I taught Iroh the technique, the same way my uncle — Iroh's namesake — taught it to me. I never demonstrated the actual act."

He's finding it hard to fathom this. "Why not?"

Zuko inhales, deep and long, and rests his hands on his thighs. "When I first learned the concept, I was an angry, bitter teen, full of emotional turmoil — though I wouldn't admit it at the time. I did not have the inner peace and disciplined humility required to generate lightning — and I daresay I did not have that for many years after the end of the war.

"You see, Mako, the history books paint us as heroes, legends who can do no wrong. They forget to mention that we are also human, and we made plenty of mistakes. We were all still very young when the war ended; and the beginning of peace was not peaceful at all. Especially in the Fire Nation." Zuko's face is wry. "I had a monumental task ahead of me when I took the throne. I started with idealistic optimism — but as reform after reform was met with resistance, backlash, and threats of revolution — I became jaded and paranoid. On top of the national problems, I had personal problems as well. I lost count how many times Mai and I broke up."

Zuko chuckles fondly, as if at an old joke; but he does not quite have the same amount of distance to be able to laugh at his and Korra's similar experience.

"Ah, Mai." Zuko sighs wistfully, gazing at the sky with sorrow behind golden eyes.

He busies himself by looking at his hands, feeling like he's intruding on a private moment of grief. It was widely speculated that Lady Mai's death in 169 AG was what prompted Zuko's abdication from the throne later that same year — but now he is positive that was exactly the case. For a moment, the ancient Fire Lord is a million miles away, with his wife in times gone by.

And in a brief, poignant flash-forward, he sees a potential future reflected for him and Korra. Kyoshi aside, Avatars have historically been outlived by their partners. Is he, too, destined to mourn like Zuko clearly does?

Here and now, he reminds himself firmly.

Zuko shakes himself out his reverie and looks apologetically back to him. "Forgive an old man his musings, Mako. As one reaches my age, one tends to get sidetracked in conversation. Where was I?"

"Um…you were telling me why you never generated lightning."

"Ah, yes. So, even after the war, for a long time I did not have the mindset to be a lightningbender. I became very, very good at redirecting lightning, but on the few occasions I tried to create it — well, let's just say they didn't end well." Zuko clicks his tongue. "After a while, I simply stopped trying. By the time Iroh was ready to learn, it had been decades since I'd attempted to lightningbend." A thoughtful hum. "I suppose, by then, I could have done it — but Iroh caught on quickly, so I never had to demonstrate."

He contemplates that. "Do you think you could do it now?"

"Hm, possibly — but at this point in my life, I frankly don't feel the need." Zuko grins at him, and he gets a glimpse of the youth he must have been. "It's very liberating."

Liberty. He wonders what that feels like.

"My point is, Mako, that you are an exceptionally skilled bender. Your mastery of lightning is something I myself never achieved, and I've seen you running through firebending forms while you've been here. Even Iroh admires your talent." Zuko arches one white brow. "So why, in Agni's name, do you shy away from any mention of your ability whatsoever?"

His shoulders, which had been hunching inwards during the enumeration of his skills, snap back stiffly. Chastised, he lowers his eyes, finding something else to look at — a bird, a tree, a point on the horizon — anything but the intently curious gaze on Lord Zuko's weathered face.

Aware that the legendary firebender is awaiting an answer, he focuses on a distant blade of grass and mumbles, "It isn't anything to be proud of."

"On the contrary, Mako, it is very noteworthy indeed." Zuko's expression is shrewd. "What old shame are you holding on to?"

Burns on skin. Red and blistering.

Lightning shot through hearts.

Raging flames collapsing a house, wild, unchecked. Blackened scorch marks in the wreckage.

Charred bodies.

He closes his eyes against the image. "Fire destroys."

The screams — agony, horror, desperation. The tears — anguish, terror, despair.

Death.

"You sound like Aang."

He opens his eyes to stare at Zuko. "What?"

Zuko is tactfully not looking directly at him. "Aang was afraid to learn firebending because he once hurt Katara with fire, when he was young and reckless. Even as an adult, fire was the element he used the least. He saw it as a powerful force, to be used as a last resort."

He hangs his head. "Aang didn't like firebending."

"He respected it," corrects Zuko. "His first experience with firebending was unfortunate; it taught him to fear and resent it, and he harboured guilt about the incident for quite some time. He later learned well enough that fire is also energy and life, but he never took for granted the harm it could cause if he wasn't careful with it." Now Zuko turns to look him in the eye. "As firebenders, we intuitively understand this dual nature, though it can be clouded by our teachings and life experiences. But from what I knew of Naoki, I'm certain she would have taught you the right perspective."

His inhales sharply. "You knew my mother?"

Zuko chuckles. "She was the heir to a clan that was causing me significant problems back in the day. If you'll forgive me for saying so, your grandparents were stubborn and narrow-minded, and they dragged the rest of Keohso with them. Naturally, I was wary their daughter might turn out the same. Izumi convinced me that Naoki was different."

So Izumi had known his mother. He calculates the age difference in his head: Crown Princess Izumi would have been about a decade older than clan heir Naoki.

"And then she moved to Republic City." Zuko shakes his head. "We knew, of course, what must have happened when Natsumi assumed the position of heir in Clan Keohso — and all it proved was that Naoki would have been exactly the kind of person we needed in the kingdom's upper echelons." The lord shifts, stretching his arms in a basic firebending stance. "In my experience, a person's outlook on life and their approach to firebending are closely intertwined, which suggests to me that Naoki would not have taught you to draw firebending power from anger."

"She didn't."

Zuko nods, almost to himself. "Then why do you automatically default to the idea of fire as destruction? That's a result of a mindset of rage as a source of power."

He looks away again. "I've…seen too much damage done with fire." More quietly: "I've done too much damage with fire."

"You?" Zuko's brow furrows. "But you have excellent control."

His voice is small as he replies. "I didn't say they were accidents."

There's a beat. "I see."

Suddenly anxious for this wise lord — this veteran firebender who has seen and lived so much — to understand, he launches into an explanation of his time in the Triple Threat Triad. Why he got in. What they made him do. The intimidation tactics. The destruction of property. The physical harm to those the Triad wanted taught a lesson. His feelings of shame and the stabs of his conscience, buried under the need to feed himself and Bolin. Loathing what he'd become, but having no other way to provide for his brother. And then, the light at the end of the tunnel: how he got out, and into pro-bending.

He's never confided all these details in anyone before. He hasn't told Korra any of it, but he's sure she suspects that he did a lot more than just 'run numbers'. He hasn't told Erin, either — and though she's aware of his triad history, she's never brought it up in their sessions.

Zuko's eyes are grave as he finishes. "You've had a hard life, haven't you?"

Understatement of the century. "Yes, sir."

"I understand now." There is empathy, not sympathy, in the old monarch's eyes; he doesn't know how he can tell, but that distinction is what makes the difference. He is not being pitied (he hates that) or condemned (he does enough of that himself); he is understood. Nor is Zuko excusing his actions (they are inexcusable); but he perceives their motivation. "You're ashamed of your firebending because of what you've done with it — and that is why you refuse to acknowledge how good you actually are."

Brilliant. Another issue he hasn't yet resolved. When is this sordid laundry list going to end?

"It also explains another thing I've been wondering about you."

…apparently never. "Sir?"

Zuko's countenance is thoughtful as he strokes his beard. "I was curious why, despite the technical perfection of your forms, your firebending is not as powerful as it should be. Now I see your internal guilt is holding you back."

Guilt is not the only thing. He pushes back the voice in his mind, the insistent one that's been speaking more and more often since he arrived in the Fire Nation. That reckoning is coming soon, he knows — but now is neither the time nor the place for it. (He probably needs to make an appointment with Erin once he gets back to Republic City.)

For now, he shrugs as nonchalantly as he can. "It's as powerful as it needs to be."

"Perhaps." Zuko regards him with a keen eye. "You have much more potential still to unlock, Mako. I hope to see you do so."

Then he stands, smoothing down his robes in a clear signal that the conversation is concluded. With a nod and a small smile, Zuko walks away, back towards the palace, looking far more hale than any nonagenarian has a right to.

Korra bounds over once she notices that Zuko's left, burning with curiosity about their conversation — but despite her inquisitive questions, he declines to elaborate.

"I'll tell you one day," he promises. She looks dissatisfied; he wraps his arms around her and rests his head on top of hers. "Be patient with me, love."

She stills, recognising the plea, and she knows now that whatever he and Zuko talked about, it's evoked something he's not ready to delve into.

He feels her nod against his chest, and his heart swells with gratitude and love. Korra is amazing.

"Can I continue lightningbending now?" she asks plaintively.

As always, Korra is the one to bring him back from the depths of his mind. With a smile tugging his lips and chuckle in his chest, he releases her so they can both return to the training field and the lightning catcher.

A/N: Lyric is from yet another artist I've discovered while writing this fic - it's from 'Teach Me How To Dance With You' by Causes.

Remember how I said it was easy to write conversations between Mako and Iroh? Like grandfather, like grandson. Old!Zuko's lines are really easy to write. I didn't think this conversation was going to go so deep, but it did. And spanned way more words (and topics) than anticipated. Oh, well — I don't think you're complaining.

"We just ran numbers for them and stuff." Uh-huh, sure, Mako. 'Stuff' involved a lot of questionable actions that Mako kept Bolin out of, I'm sure.

Mako's bending is seriously underrated. Obviously, he is greatly (unfairly) derided by a large portion of the fandom — but even in canon, not a single person mentions his ability. This is a contrast with Bolin, who has the lavabending subplot and freaking Toph herself saying it's a 'rare skill'; Asami, who is repeatedly shown and mentioned to be great at mechanics, martial arts, and innovation; and Korra, who obviously gets a lot of focus from other characters on her bending. The most Mako gets, though, is Shiro Shinobi commentating on his pro-bending — which are some of the least impressive feats he performs. Mako himself does not see himself as being particularly talented at bending, despite the evidence that's obvious to anyone with rational eyes.

I firmly believe Mako has an inferiority complex regarding his firebending. First of all, he's not one to see his good points by himself in the first place; secondly, his unresolved self-loathing about being a firebender precludes him from fully embracing it and accepting that he is good at it. He's also experiencing cognitive dissonance, because he has used it for good — to keep him and Bolin warm, to defend people, to help Korra — and that doesn't match with the perception he has of firebending being destructive and himself being the wielder of said destructive force. This mental block is preventing him from bending at his full potential — much like Zuko's issues in ATLA, and then his later 'lack of Avatar-hunting drive', prevented him from bending as powerfully as he later proved to be able to. (There is another reason why Mako is subconsciously holding back, but I'll get to that when it's revealed in the story.)

If this seems like a contradiction to what I just said about Mako's skills being underrated, let me clarify: Mako's firebending is very good, and that is not commented on by anyone in the show even once (or acknowledged by a lot of the fandom) — but it should be better. Iroh demonstrated more impressive firebending in 5 minutes of S1E11 and S1E12 than Mako has throughout the course of the entire show. Mako's memorable bending moments are typically related to lightning, not fire. The fact that he can use lightning to the extent that he does indicates that he has the ability to and should be bending more powerful fire, perhaps close to Iroh's level — but he doesn't. Moreover, there's evidence that Mako has mastered breath control, which is the core basic that underpins all firebending ability — yet, despite this mastery, his firebending does not seem to be near the level of Zuko's at the end of ATLA (and keep in mind Zuko was two years younger than Mako is at the start of TLOK, and not a naturally gifted firebender).

Why do I say Mako has mastered breath control? Ah, allow me to present:

Mako's Firebending, Exhibit C: Breath Control

Breath control is a feature of elite firebending. It's shown many times in ATLA that proper breathing techniques enable firebenders to bend with control and power for sustained periods of time. Iroh's (the original) line: "Firebending comes from the breath" sounds like a mantra that would be drilled into the noble classes, given the importance placed on firebending ability and its apparent connection to political power in the Fire Nation. Iroh's emphasis on basics when training Zuko also reflects the almost militant discipline that would be expected from combat training among the nobility. As a clan heir, Naoki would undoubtedly have grown up learning these firebending fundamentals.

Now, Mako exhibits a great deal of stamina when firebending. Again, I refer to his 3v1 match in Episode 2. Speaking as a competitive dodgeball player (which is probably the real-life sport most analogous to pro-bending), 3v1's are not easy, and they're damn tiring. Mako is able to withstand the wholehearted onslaught of three professional pro-benders with more experience than he has long enough to tire them out, and then still has the juice to unleash a truly fantastic flurry of fire attacks to knock them all out. He doesn't even seem winded at the end of that match. In combat, he holds his own admirably, and he's never shown tiring before his opponent (merely beaten by superior tactics or other factors). Furthermore, in S1E7, Mako breathes fire via a fake sneeze. Aside from characters enhanced by the Avatar state or Sozin's Comet, breathing fire is a technique we've only seen Iroh — the Dragon of the West — do. With the utmost respect for Iroh (who of course breathed much more fire), I'd also like to point out that Mako manages to do it without warming himself up with hot tea first. And in S3E10, when trying to escape the Earth Queen's jail, Mako is able to create sustained, concentrated fire that's hot enough to melt solid metal. That takes an incredible amount of energy, and considering that firebenders use their own breath to generate heat, it speaks to an amazing level of power and control on Mako's part.

All this makes for compelling evidence that canon Mako has mastered breath control. And where would a street orphan growing up around triads and pro-benders have learned this from at such a high level, if not from his late, Fire National mother?