A/N: *peeks out from new home* Hello, I have returned from hibernation!
Okay, no, I wasn't hibernating - I was finalising my wedding, getting MARRIED, going on my honeymoon, moving house, setting up said house, and starting a new role at work all at once. And right before all of that, I fell sick for a while (nothing major, just the flu), and I really had to scramble to catch up to everything. Simply put, it's been a whirlwind.
Please accept my sincerest and humblest apologies for the leave of absence for the last 2.5 months without warning. I am back now, and settling into a normal routine once again, which includes updating this fic.
I sincerely thank you for being so wonderful and patient all this time, and hope that all of you will still be following this story moving forward. There isn't much left, just this current arc and one more, so we're nearly at the finish line. I hope to continue to said finish line with no more interruptions, and hope to make the final remaining chapters just as poignant and impactful as the previous ones.
Review credits since I was last here go to: AsahixMe, Sharpe, Black Dragon Master, FireLordAziz, Raider, devilfiredog18, StevenBodner, Guest, and Emma. If you were a signed reviewer, you would have received a PM update from me yesterday.
Thanks for sticking with me this long, and let's carry on!
68. You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
The waiting is torture.
For the first two hours of his suspension, he paces, beating a predictable track into his apartment floor (fortunately, his downstairs neighbour appears to be a heavy sleeper, and no one comes to batter at his door for interrupting their slumber).
For the next two hours, he attempts to sleep, but ends up tossing and turning between fitful dozes.
Then the sun comes up, and the firebender in him (regardless how much he's trying to distance himself from that part right now) stirs as well, and he gives up sleep (it's a futile attempt) to make watery coffee and brood at his kitchen table.
At 8am (six hours into his suspension), someone knocks on his door.
Rationally, he knows it's highly unlikely that a not-dead Korozo has been spotted already — but that doesn't stop him from bolting across the hallway to open the door.
Asami is standing outside, and the look on her face tells him she knows everything.
He slumps against the doorframe. "Juno told you."
"Yeah." She trots in without an invitation, heels clipping on his floor. "How are you holding up?"
He shrugs vaguely as he closes the door. "Not great. I really fucked up."
"Yeah, you did." Asami's voice is not without sympathy, but nor can she deny the magnitude of his screwup. "Mako, why didn't you say anything?"
"I did," he defends. "Korra, Bolin, and Minsu all knew the truth. I only didn't tell you because…"
"…because you were worried I would spill to Juno. I'm aware."
"Was I wrong?" he challenges. "You're here now because Juno told you what happened."
"No," Asami refutes calmly. "I'm here because Juno asked me to look out for you."
It takes him a second to register that. "What?"
Asami speaks patiently, as if to a child. "Juno can't be your friend right now, because she has to be your boss — but she cares, Mako. She told me the whole story and asked me to come over and make sure you weren't…I believe 'wallowing' was her word." She crosses the room and perches on the armrest of the chair next to the window. "And you didn't actually answer my question. Let me rephrase: why didn't you say anything about how close to the edge you were?"
He pauses…blinks, then admits, "Because you would have pulled me back." A frustrated groan. "And…I didn't want that. Not at that time." Though of course, in hindsight, that is exactly what he needed, and exactly what present him wishes had happened.
Asami sighs. "Mako…"
"I know, I know." He throws himself into the chair and buries his head in his hands. "Asami, what if I did kill him?"
"Well, then, I suppose there'll be a due process. But it's not necessarily the end of the world."
He looks up in surprise. "What do you mean?"
"Just because you killed him doesn't mean it was murder," Asami reminds him. "You've killed before, and it wasn't murder."
His mind flashes to lightning in the water, a woman's seizing body. "That was different. Ming-Hua was self-defence."
"Technically speaking, this could be too."
"It could," he allows. "But I only killed Ming-Hua because she would've killed me otherwise. When I shot lightning into that water, I was being pragmatic. It was a calculated decision. But with Korozo…" He shakes his head. "I was completely in a rage, Asami. I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to burn…I wanted to kill him, and I wanted it to hurt. I could plead self-defence, but I know it wasn't."
And really, that's the opinion that matters most, isn't it? Regardless what Internal Affairs might rule on this case, he knows what he was thinking in that moment. And if Korozo is dead, he will have to live with the fact that that was exactly what he had relished at that point in time.
Asami is silent, and he can't tell if she's judging him or not. He doesn't think so, but he wouldn't blame her if she is.
"We all do things we regret," she says quietly. "It doesn't make us horrible people."
He looks at her with trepidation. "But what if we do horrible things?"
"The fact that you're sitting here agonising about it means you're not the kind of person you fear becoming."
He exhales. "Thanks. But I need to somehow convince myself of that."
"You do that." Asami pats his shoulder and rises from the chair. "I'll give you some space, but don't be surprised if other people show up later today."
He straightens in alarm. "Who else knows?"
"Just Bolin for now, but I left Korra a message to come see you when she's done at City Hall."
He vaguely recalls that Korra is meeting with President Zhol and the cabinet today to discuss policies for dealing with the Equalist revival. He feels even more disappointed in himself for adding something else for her to worry about.
"Don't tell Iroh." Best friend or not, he doesn't think he can bear to face someone as staunchly honourable as the Fire Prince until he knows for a fact that he didn't kill Korozo. And if it turns out that he did…then he'll deserve every bit of disappointed censure from Iroh.
"He'd want to know."
"I know," he acknowledges, "but I'd rather he heard it from me." When I'm ready to tell him.
Asami studies him for a second. "Okay," she agrees.
...
Surprisingly, the next person who shows up is none other than Lin Beifong. He stares slack-jawed at his boss, uncertain whether to be ashamed or horrified. Both, he decides. Definitely both.
"Chief! Uh…what are you doing here?"
Lin scowls at him. "That's a fucking braindead question if I ever heard one."
He winces. Lin, for all her brusqueness, rarely swears. The fact that she's doing it now indicates the state of her mood…and her current attitude towards him.
"Right…er…do you wanna…come in?"
Almost before he's finished speaking, Lin tromps in. He stands slightly dazed for half a second before closing the door and following her into his own home.
"Look, Chief, I know it doesn't excuse anything, but I'm sorry for what happened. And I'll take all the yelling you wanna dish out."
"I know." Lin crosses her arms and sighs. "I'm not here to yell at you, Mako."
"You're…not?"
"No. I'd be a hypocrite if I told you off for having a grudge. I'm the one who didn't speak to my mother or sister for twenty years — and their offence was far less appalling than what Korozo did to you."
He blinks. "Oh."
"What I'm saying is, I understand the unresolved bitterness. And how that led you against your better judgment."
He winces. "I know, I know — I need to let it go before it ruins my life." If it hasn't already.
"You'll let it go when you're damn good and ready. No one can force you to do it."
He bites his lip against the sudden rush of emotion brought about by the unexpected statement. In the nearly two months since Korozo appeared to embody his long-standing complex against his parents' murderer, Lin is the first person who has not reproved him (however gently) for not letting go; her matter-of-fact acceptance of his vendetta is more refreshing than he could've imagined, and it lightens the burden he's been carrying.
"Thank you, Chief."
His voice is a little thick, but Lin (bless her) pretends not to hear it. She nods curtly and plows straight into her next point.
"Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, kid. What you did was wrong, and there will be consequences. But it doesn't have to be the end of your career."
"Even if I killed him?"
"Even then," she confirms. "Internal Affairs will conduct the investigation, same as always. But there really isn't anything to prove conclusively that you used excessive force. By your own testimony, Korozo did resist arrest, and he was bending with intent to maim. Your use of firebending is justified, and there are no witnesses to say otherwise. The only account we have of last night is you, and regardless of how much you screwed with protocol, your character and previous service record stand in your favour. Even if the scumbag never resurfaces, there's no evidence that you actually did kill him — and it's a big city. He could have just decided to disappear, go underground, move, or whatever.
Lin's straightforward logic makes him much more hopeful that he hasn't killed his career, but does little to assuage his personal guilt. Lin either picks that up from his expression or her seismic sense is far more potent than she lets on — whichever the case, her face softens, and she leaves him with one final thing to ponder.
"I guess the real question is: do you think you can move forward and still be a good cop, or has this incident shown you that you need to tap out?"
...
The conversation with Korra is more difficult. Unlike Asami and Lin, Korra doesn't know what he did. He has to confess the whole sordid tale to her, all the while cringing internally and wondering how badly this is going to affect her opinion of him.
Korra listens patiently, without saying a word, and the changes in her expression as he relates the story are subtle.
Eventually he stops and stares at her in confusion. "Why aren't you more appalled by this?"
And Korra shrugs, smiles sadly, and says, "I've heard this story before."
A stone sinks in his gut. Someone else told Korra of his fuck-up?
Korra's next words clarify matters: "Master Katara once told me how she temporarily left Team Avatar during the summer of Sozin's Comet to hunt down the man who killed her mother. She fully intended to kill him, too."
He is flabbergasted. This is something he's never heard; he can't fathom the sweet, motherly, wise waterbender as a vengeful teenage vigilante. "Did she?"
In response, Korra chews her lip thoughtfully. "I think she would have, if the person she originally confronted was the actual murderer. But at the last minute she realised she had the wrong guy, and when she finally did find the right one, she'd had time to process what she'd nearly done. She didn't kill him, but I don't know that she ever forgave him."
"Who could ever forgive their parents' murderer?" he demands.
"My point is," Korra stresses, "that you're not the only person who can fall into this trap. Hell, I wanted to kill Zaheer when I thought he'd killed my dad. And unlike Katara, you didn't have time to realise or process anything before you followed through. Yes, you went too far for revenge, but you don't have to beat yourself up as if you're the only person in the world 'weak' enough to give in to that temptation. You've come too far for that, Mako."
Before he can fully digest that, Korra envelops him in a fierce, reassuring hug.
"You'll bounce back from this," she declares with conviction. "We'll work it out."
He buries his face in her shoulder. "Promise?"
"Promise."
...
Bolin arrives at sundown, after the end of his work day. His brother wraps him in a hug of epic proportions the minute he opens the door and says with absolute certainty, "It'll be okay, Mako."
He hugs him back and tries with all his might to believe that.
Somehow, with Bolin's optimistic presence, it's a little easier.
A/N: Yeah, so Mako is definitely regressing almost all the way here. He's detaching, depersonalising, feeling numb and empty and feeling like he isn't worth anything. His depressive, melancholy state of mind right now is accurately captured in this chapter's song - 'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan. The second-person nature of the lyrics (you) reflect the detachment and distance Mako feels, and the line 'in this dark cold hotel room' continues the theme of feeling cold from the last chapter.
This song has been covered by other artists, but I really like the stripped-down instrumental of McLachlan's original, with just a bare piano and some strings — it speaks to the desolation and emptiness Mako is feeling right now. He's messed up horribly — albeit understandably — and trying to assure himself that he isn't a horrible person for it, and that he hasn't undone all his progress as a person because of it.
So...I do not want to promise WHEN the next update will be just yet, because although I have the outline for the next chapter I haven't actually written it yet, and I do not want to say 'next week' or 'two weeks from now' and then fail to deliver (again). HOPEFULLY it will be within the next two weeks, though.
What I WILL promise is that I'm not disappearing for 2 months again, and will endeavour to return to my timely and regular schedule ASAP. If y'all have an FF account, that would be awesome, because you can subscribe and be alerted whenever I update - plus I can PM you when I post if you're worried you'll miss the notification. If you don't want to make an FF account or want to stay anonymous, I guess just keep checking back on Wednesdays, because whenever I post, I will make sure to keep to that day.
That's all for today. Hope to see y'all again soon, and thank you for reviewing on your way out so I know you're still here ;)