A/N
I know, I know it took me a few weeks to update this, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I don't want to make excuses about my lack of chapters, so I'll tell you the truth: I was really blocked and to get over the bad patch I decided to read some fanfics that caught my attention, one thing led to another and suddenly I found myself just reading.
But I'm confident that from this point on the writing will flow more freely so we can move forward with the story, I can tell you that at this moment a part of the next chapter is already written so don't worry, this story won't be abandoned.
The air coming through the train door hits my face and helps to mitigate the unbearable heat of the morning. The first time I jumped inside the train on the day of the choosing ceremony was difficult, but this time it was even more so. Even though I was wearing my giant Abnegation clothes that day I don't remember suffering as much; today we are all wearing a protective uniform, the bulletproof vest is too heavy and the helmet that is too big for me prevented me from seeing exactly where the handle of the train which would help me jump into it was. As we approach the area where we will be doing our patrol Four and Lauren start giving instructions for us to jump.
"Looks like you're stuck with me today" Jason taps my shoulder with his, while smiling an exaggerated smile. Despite the instructors assuring us that the area we will be in is fairly quiet and the guns hanging from our shoulders are nothing more than routine I can't help but feel a little uneasy. It's one thing to shoot at cardboard targets and on screens to the possibility of having to use a real gun against a human being. The map of the streets we have to move through is pretty extensive and is going to allow me to search for Evelyn's location without raising suspicion from the others, but when we were organized into pairs and mine is none other than Jason, my plan started to get a little complicated in my head.
"Ok, listen up everyone" Four stops in front of the group of initiates "the idea of the patrol is for you to familiarize yourselves with the city streets and the buildings within it. Upon completing the initiation many of you will be able to take a place within the surveillance corps and this" he says pointing with one arm towards the streets behind him "will be your office. We are not near the areas where riots have been reported, here although there are many without faction, they are usually quite quiet but keep alert, although they are used to the patrolling of Dauntless we can not discard that they might deduce that you are not more than initiates and some of you want to cause trouble. The earpiece you all have has a direct communicator with Lauren or myself, if necessary do not hesitate to press the button it has to alert us that you need our help. Always stay with your partner, don't get split up or try to explore too much on your own. When it's time to go, Lauren and I will send a signal over the communicator and meet at this point by the train tracks. Be brave and don't cause any trouble" with this he gives us the signal to start patrolling.
The first streets we walk through are desert, the only noise we hear is the sound of our footsteps and occasionally on a corner we see other pairs walking. Jason seems more entertained by perusing the gun in his hands than looking around town.
"So you're here for work?" he asks looking at me with interest.
There's no point in lying to him, from the first week Jason made it clear to me that he knew I wasn't part of the initiation. "Yes."
"What exactly is your job?"
"I'm an ambassador for my faction, at the assemblies we were looking for a way to understand each other better so we could help make the city a much better place so getting to know the other factions from the inside was the solution we came up with" not quite a lie but it's all the information I feel comfortable sharing.
"Oh" he says thoughtfully "Are you enjoying it then?"
"The faction? Yeah, I guess"
"And when you're done here will you go to some other faction to do the same?" I know the question is innocent, that's the whole thrust of my proposal but I can't help but feel a weight on my shoulders as I accept that with everything going on in the city and if I'm not able to figure it out, there may not be any chance at all.
"I think I'll leave it to someone else to do the task, your faction is fun but something tells me that after the initiation I'll need months to recover from all this hard work" my answer seems to satisfy him because he starts to chuckle nonchalantly. We walk more streets without much else to do, occasionally some factionless guy peeks through the holes in the buildings out of curiosity. Checking the map I see that we are almost at the edge of the patrol limits. There is an area with lots of trees and dry grass on the corner of this street, I remember my father once telling me that these areas were called parks before the war. As we approach it one of the walls of a building across the street has an X marked almost on the ground, I peek across the street and another of the buildings that are far away has one just like it.
A chorus of laughter calls our attention when we reach the park area. A group of factionless children and teenagers run around kicking a ball made out of papers.
"Oh wow, I had heard of this game but never seen it live" Jason says to me pointing to the kids "the object is to get across that border made of boxes with the ball to score points" for a few seconds I allow myself to watch the game, I have seen balls in Dauntless, at school and elsewhere in the factionless areas so I understand that this game should be played with one, but the fact that they improvised with trash doesn't make it any less interesting and it looks like they are having a really good time. Jason seems pretty entertained and I know it's now or never, it's the only time I can peel myself away from him without drawing suspicion.
We sit down near where the game is taking place and a couple of teenagers look at us alertly "Don't worry, we're just watching" Jason tells them passing his gun behind his back and supporting himself with his hands to get a better look at them. This seems to reassure them and they continue with the game.
"Uhmm Jason, I need to go to the bathroom" I say trying to sound calm.
"What, now?" he says looking around.
"Yeah, further back down the street I saw a little clear street where I think I can go."
"Ok, let's go" Jason starts to get up but I stop him.
"No easy, I can go alone"
"Are you sure?" he asks uneasily, I'm about to beg when one of the factionless boys comes up to us "Ahm, sir, we're one short on the team, would you like to play with us?" he asks sheepishly and Jason can barely disguise the joy on his face, he turns to look at me as if asking if it's okay for me to play with them.
" Go it's fine, Four made it clear that this is just an exercise and there is no one around us. I'm going to um, I'm going to do that and I'll see you back here in a little while ok?" Jason doesn't hesitate a second longer to accept the invitation and in one leap he's on his feet following the boy. I try not to arouse suspicion but walk quickly to the wall where I saw the first X marked.
Although the streets are deserted I can't help but feel stares on me as I walk between the tagged walls. When I reach a two story building with white letters that say 'US Bank' a broken clock on the top of the wall and a small x marked on the floor, I know I have arrived at my destination. The doors are partially open and to my surprise they don't make any noise as I open them to pass through. The place is not too well lit which reassures me as I know that if any of the initiates pass this way, there are not enough windows for them to see me. I advance a few steps when I hear someone coming out of a room.
Edgar waves to me and motions for me to follow him. We go down some small stairs that lead to some thick doors, Edgar knocks three times and someone from inside indicates that we can go in. He holds the door for me to enter and closes it behind me. The room is lit with a few small lamps, at a desk in the back Evelyn talks quietly to Myra whom I haven't seen for months.
"Beatrice, black suits you" she says looking me up and down, although she tries to disguise it I can see in her eyes a bit of longing as she remembers the faction she was kicked out of two years ago.
"Myra, Evelyn" I greet them politely as I set the helmet, my weapon and vest on a desk.
"I assume you don't have much time" Evelyn sits leaning back on the desk as Myra walks over to one of the desks at the front of the room "How is Dauntless treating you Beatrice? I see you are still in one piece which is good" as usual, I find it impossible to read Evelyn.
"You were looking for me so here I am" she is right and I don't have long to be here, certainly not long enough for her to analyze every inch of my appearance or speak to me in that tone that sets my nerves on edge.
"Mm-humm, the bolder thing is rubbing off on you I see. First of all, I want to congratulate you on getting them to accept your proposal, although based on the fact that they are forcing you to go through the initiation, I would venture to say that they are hoping more for your failure than your victory" I don't need to enunciate that I agree with her. "Is it hard?" she asks me with too much interest for my liking, is she really concerned about my well being?
"It's not a piece of cake but I'm working hard" I try to keep my head up, all the pain I feel in my body and the whole hours without sleep to get through the initiation allow me to feel proud of myself.
"What about your instructor?" It's small and fleeting but I can swear something in Evelyn's eyes sparkled as she asked me this question, I've never been able to understand how she has so much knowledge of everything that goes on within the walls of each faction but she does and in the short time I've been in Dauntless I've realized that Four is not just another member, his reputation precedes him and accompanies him everywhere, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if Evelyn knew that part of the difficulty of initiation lies with the instructors.
"Hmm, he's like- like laying on a bed of nails" I sigh "Evelyn, I'm really short on time" my palms start to sweat because although I haven't been here too long, it's a lot longer than it would normally take me to go to the bathroom.
"Alright, let's cut to the chase then Beatrice. In the time you've spent doing your research five more people have turned up on the streets, four of them with the same symptoms we already know well."
"And the fifth?" I ask
"The fifth is a young Erudite who turned up on the streets dressed entirely in blue and fully aware of who he is and why he was on the street" I can't imagine how this information could be of any use to me, more non factionless appear on the streets all the time, especially in the initiation periods, and while the other four interest me neither is new or good information, or at least not enough to risk Four discovering that I leave my partner to patrol alone.
"Someone ordinary then, someone who didn't fit within the parameters of his faction," I say to Evelyn somewhat irritated.
"I wouldn't call him ordinary but quite the opposite, he is quite a bright young man. As for fitting within the parameters I would rephrase, it's not about what it means to be an erudite or not to be an erudite, this is more a case of hmmm how to call it Values?" I am so used to how cryptic Evelyn can be, but usually our conversations have a purpose and this one I can't seem to find one.
"You see this young man was undergoing his initiation, which up until last year consisted of meticulous investigations and examinations that tested whether or not people had the ability to be there; However it seems that things have changed, he has not been able or willing to open up to us completely yet, but the little he could share with us is that it seems that this year the initiation is quite different" a sound of static bursts in my ear and I have to quickly take out my communicator, the signal must be very bad in this building because I can only perceive some words and I can barely decipher that it is Four who says them, I look at my watch and it scares me the time I have spent here for no reason. By this point Jason must have already returned to the meeting point without me.
"Evelyn I really have to go" I tell him in a hurry.
"What have you found out about the rise of the factionless Beatrice?" she asks me annoyed, perhaps because I interrupted her story.
"Unfortunately not much, only one person out of the whole initiation group has dropped out of training and according to what we were told it was due to a medical condition" at that moment something clicks in my head, Evelyn said only five new people have appeared on the streets, four without memory and one erudite, none from Dauntless but I can swear Eric said this one would become factionless, where is he?
"I don't recall anyone in the last few weeks coming to us dressed in Dauntless colors" Evelyn ponders.
"Janine was there, I saw her late one day talking to Max and Eric about initiation and about extractions" The words come like a whirlwind out of my mouth, my heart is beating fast.
"We are aware that they meet from time to time, is there anything in particular that stood out from their conversation?"
"They were talking about the second stage of Dauntless initiation, Max reminded her that it was during that stage when there were the most signs, I don't know what they were talking about to be frank with you."
"Divergents..." by this point my palms are completely drenched in sweat, Evelyn and I have discussed this topic on many occasions but I have been quite careful not to reveal my big secret to her.
"What about them?" I hope my voice doesn't betray me and show the nerves I'm feeling.
"I don't know if I've ever explained to you how it is that someone can notice divergence in people across factions. Amity when it is impossible for them for a member to live in peace and harmony even with tons of their peace serum; Candor when their individuals can lie without flinching; Abnegation when any person tries too hard and unsuccessfully to lose themselves in the act of giving themselves to others" it is momentary but I swear her gaze intensifies as she tells me about my faction, something inside me screams to me that she knows, Evelyn knows what I am "Erudite has more complex ways that I haven't managed to decipher yet, I guess when someone refuses to follow an imposed stream of thought, now all this I just told you could very well apply to a person who simply does not have the traits for said faction and that is not a crime, if it were then transfers would be banned on selection day, but Dauntless has a much more effective way of finding out if someone is divergent or not"
"TR- TR- IS Damn it, Tris do you copy?" The words though choppy come out of the communicator, I can't identify if Four is desperate or annoyed. I glance at Evelyn and she is staring at the device I hold in my hand, her breathing quickens a bit before returning to the subject.
"Beatrice, a divergent person will always, listen to me carefully, always be conscious in simulations. Whether it's the aptitude test or the second stage of Dauntless initiation" the whole room spins and I feel panic take over me, Four's voice echoes in my head 'they're hearing everything. This is a simulation but you shouldn't know that, no one should know that. You have to shoot, that's what they expect to happen here, any other outcome is dangerous.'
"I-I-I have to go" I start walking towards the exit grabbing my stuff and putting it on.
"Beatrice, the Erudite guy didn't abandon his faction because he wasn't smart enough to be there, all efforts are set on one goal: the creation of a new serum, he doesn't know what the function is but he knows what are the consequences of when it doesn't work."
"Disorient people" I don't have to think twice, we have been seeing it with our own eyes for months.
"Trust your friends Beatrice, and take it as an advice, sometimes beds of nails have something worthwhile" I don't have time to answer because the communicator buzzes with Four's shouts, I also don't have time to confirm if Evelyn is behind me although I heard her footsteps running after me.
I burst through the doors of the building and run at full speed towards the meeting point which fortunately is not too far away. Just as I turn down the street I run straight into someone running in the opposite direction.
"Fuck!" I hear Four's voice, but the collision was so hard that I'm now laying on my back on the street with no air. "Where the fuck were you?" Four's voice has a mixture of desperation and anger in it, but I can't answer him because I'm still trying to catch my breath and sit up. Suddenly I feel a strong arm pull me up off the ground and in a second I'm looking up at a livid Four who's breathing very hard as his eyes try to kill me, I'm sure.
"WHERE. WERE. YOU.?"
Every syllable out of his mouth increases the knot that formed in my stomach when he lifted me off the ground. Something behind me must have distracted him because for a second he frowns and relaxes his grip on my arm.
"Well?" he pins his gaze back on me.
"I, hmm, I had to go to the bathroom and..." I try to come up with a good explanation for my absence but Four is too upset to understand reasons.
"Is this a game to you?"
" Huh?"
"My faction, our work, the initiation, is it just an experiment for you?, is it part of an elaborate plan to become a leader in your faction, were you sent to specifically mess with me?" I don't quite know at what point Four started walking and I with him, because suddenly my back hits the wall of the building and I can't help but shake all over.
"What, who, what are you talking about Four?" no, I can't let panic get the better of me.
"What are you doing in Dauntless Tris?" I don't know if I'm more afraid of the anger in Four's voice, or the desperation that also creeps out of both his mouth and his eyes.
I know I have at this moment a window of opportunity, Evelyn said I had to trust my friends and while I can't exactly consider Four a friend, I know the others trust him.
"Four, there are things, so many things in the city that I don't understand. So many people, so much danger" I can't sort out my thoughts because Four grabs my other arm and his grip is pressing harder. His hands are shaking and making me shake as a result. And his eyes, my god his eyes are imploring me for the truth.
"I-I have to do something, I can't just stand by" I know it doesn't make sense anything I'm saying but I really can't think straight.
"Where were you?" he asks me again and although a few seconds ago I had an impulse to tell him everything, now I don't feel so sure. Evelyn is not a secret I want to reveal.
"I told you, I went to the bathroom" in a second I manage to compose myself and go back to being Tris the girl who in her job isn't afraid to raise her voice. "Four, I need you to let go, your hands are hurting me."
Four widens her eyes in surprise, removing her hands from my arms as if he's burned by the contact, he takes a few steps away from me.
"You can't, you can't just walk away without reporting. You said it yourself, Chicago isn't exactly a safe place right now" he runs his hands over his face and lets out a sigh. He starts to struggle with his communicator cord and lets out a desperate grunt when he can't untangle it from his ear "I was worried Tris, you weren't answering and Jason didn't know where you'd gone."
I don't know exactly what force just possessed me, but without thinking I raise my hand to help him with the wire in his face. "Hey, hey" I say almost in a whisper "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry" when I manage to untangle it, without thinking I place my hand on his cheek and stare into his eyes hoping he can see in them that I'm truly sorry for having worried him. It may be the emotion of the moment but I feel him lean into my caress closing his eyes.
"They don't want you in Dauntless" he doesn't need to specify who he is talking about, I know perfectly well that the leaders are not rooting for me to do well in the initiation, but right now I need to know something, and depending on that information I can debate whether Four can help me.
Gathering all the courage I am capable of and without letting go I ask him "Are you one of them?" Suddenly I feel my stomach flood with nerves, I know that biting my lip is a habit that will one day seriously hurt me, but I can't find something else to do while I wait for his answer because for days he has done nothing but make me feel unwelcome in his faction. Four's eyes snap open, he twitches and I have no choice but to drop my hand that continues to vibrate with the ghost of Four's face.
With a frown he raises his hand to free my lip without looking away from my mouth he says "I told you I'd help you didn't I?" I fight the urge to clear it up that he assured me help in combat because I feel like his answer covers so much more than that; I know he wants to tell me he'll help me with whatever it is I'm trying to accomplish here. I don't think I can speak so I just nod my head.
With a last sigh Four starts walking towards the meeting point making sure I follow him. The ride back on the train is a bit awkward, Jason is not exactly happy with me, I don't know if it's because he was worried too or because my disappearance ruined his ball game. The rest of the initiates chat about how little or much they saw on their routes, Four holds onto the doors as he leans out of the train with his eyes closed. Layla is next to me, both of us sitting on the floor as we watch the city go by.
"I don't think what they told us at first is true," she says as she examines the gun in her hands.
"What thing?" I say to her.
"About this patrol being completely safe" I just raise my eyebrow in a sign that I need her to elaborate.
"When Jason came in saying he couldn't find you Four freaked out. I mean, I'm a little surprised you can still hear after the way he yelled into the communicator" I feel my heart squeeze a little as I listen about Four's reaction, if the state he was in when we met is anything like what Layla describes, I must have worried him more than I'm imagining.
And though I feel guilty for lying to him about my whereabouts, I must first get my thoughts straight so that I can then share them with him and the rest of our friends. And I can't deny that a warm sensation is harbored in me at the thought that someone in this world cares about my well-being, if only because I am part of the group of initiates in his care or because I am part of his group of friends.
"I don't think so either," I tell her leaning my head back against the wall.