It Always Leads To You, a selection trilogy, kiera cass fanfic

For whatever reason, I put off writing this for AGES then went crazy and ignored multiple real-life responsibilities to write 3 drafts of this in four days. It was so easy? But also so difficult? And just really interesting to get into Kile's head, because there are a couple times where Eadlyn is positive she knows what he's thinking and she just…doesn't.

To anyone not coming directly from my main fic, I highly recommend you read The Road Not Taken before this, or at least through Chapter 11. It'll make more sense.

The party, the food, the company—everything about Josie and Kaden's wedding was perfect. I couldn't stop laughing, tipsy and bordering on drunk, spinning around on the dance floor with Eadlyn, leader of our nation and sister of the groom. She was just as tipsy as I was, leaning on me more than she ordinarily would. For friends—exes, technically—we fit together suspiciously well.

It was easy. Everything with Eadlyn was easy. We'd grown up together; even though we'd spent a decent chunk of those years as mortal enemies, we understood each other effortlessly. At least, we did when we were sober. Right now, I couldn't be sure what was going on in her head, pressed to my chest. She was humming along to whatever song the band was playing, a tune I didn't recognize, something slow and romantic, presumably significant to my sister and her new husband.

I couldn't believe Eadlyn wasn't shivering. I'd been chilly since I misplaced my suit jacket (I may have given it to Osten? But, like, why would I do that?) and I still had sleeves and long pants on. Eadlyn, I could not help noticing, because I was a human male with eyes-

-and a girlfriend.

I cut myself off before I could describe Eadlyn's cornflower-blue dress in the detail it deserved. Eadlyn was my friend; I couldn't look at her that way. What would Alice say?

Well, if I phrased the question correctly, Alice would most likely say that she also thought Eadlyn was cold, because the dress in question had a slit all the way up the thigh, and-

I shook my head, chasing those completely unreasonable thoughts away. Eadlyn tilted her head up at me, her dark hair slipping out of this morning's elegant style. She so often looked unnaturally perfect—a few stray hairs were proof that she was real. "Hmm?"

I laughed. Everything was funny. "No, it's nothing."

Eadlyn didn't know about Alice. Nobody did, yet. I originally planned on introducing Alice to my family at this very wedding, but since she hadn't been able to get the weekend off work, I decided to keep her a secret for just a little bit longer.

Until the dress thing came up, I hadn't thought of Alice in a while. That was weird. Alice was my girlfriend. I loved Alice.

But, for some reason, since this party started, I had not really missed her.

Eadlyn tugged on my hand, pulling me away from the party. She didn't explain, and I didn't question. She was the queen, and I was a citizen following orders. She stopped in front of the fountain, so we were alone, but not so far I couldn't hear the band striking up the next song. I knew this one. Something with-

She kissed me.

I took it like a punch to the gut. My brain just shut off, projecting fireworks where the thoughts should've been. I discarded the notion of Eadlyn being cold: her mouth was hot against mine, demanding, the best and worst feeling in the world.

It would've been so easy to melt into her, give her exactly what she was asking for, but common sense took over; I pulled away. This wasn't good. I felt like I was going to throw up. "Oh, Eadlyn…"

She looked wounded, stock-still with her lips parted, as I babbled an explanation: I had given her the wrong idea, I had given myself the wrong idea, and there was Alice to consider. Alice, who no one knew about.

It was the right thing to do, turning her down.

But it was not what I wanted to do.

In my head, she was still kissing me; in my head, we were halfway up the stairs. I was disgusted with myself for leading her on, for letting it go this far, for desperately wanting to lie and tell Eadlyn there was no girlfriend back home who would most certainly have a problem with this.

All because of one kiss. I was better than that, wasn't I?

Maybe not.

I hoped Eadlyn didn't notice my shallow breathing, the way I kept glancing back at her lips. One stupid, drunken kiss, half a second of my life, and I was ready to throw it all away. No, I was going to throw it all away. That drunken kiss had left me stone-cold sober, and I could see it clearly now.

I liked Alice. I was happy with Alice. But in the six months we'd been together, I had never felt for her what I felt for Eadlyn in that way-too-short electrifying drunken kiss.

There was no point in me trying to love anyone other than Her Majesty the Queen. It was just unfortunate it had taken me five years apart to realize it.

Unsurprisingly, Eadlyn avoided me for the rest of the weekend. I had no idea what I would've said to her even if she had let me talk to her. I knew I'd hurt her pride. It was unlikely anything I could say would make any difference.

I broke it off with Alice as soon I got back to Bonita. She took it well—also unsurprising, considering she was one of the kindest and most understanding people I'd ever met. I felt terrible about breaking her heart, but that wasn't enough to stop me.

As much as I would've liked to, I couldn't just jump on the next plane back to Angeles. I knew Eadlyn needed time to cool off before she could accept anything resembling a confession of love.

A confession of love…this was crazy. I was crazy, throwing away a number of sure things to chase after something I may have already ruined. This was a much bigger risk than I was accustomed to taking, but that wasn't enough to stop me either.

I didn't want the sure thing. I wanted Eadlyn, as crazy as that was. I'd probably wanted her since the Selection; everything between then and now was just a poor substitute for the real thing.

If I'd just fought harder for her back then…no. I had to concentrate on moving forward. For now, Eadlyn needed time and space. I needed to figure out how I was going to make this happen.

I wasn't sure what to expect when I showed up at the palace six months later. I had planned everything up until this moment, flights and a leave of absence at work and secrets kept, but there was no planning for Eadlyn's reaction. I wasn't sure if she wanted to see me—she had sure wanted to see me at Josie's wedding, but everything had changed since then. Since the kiss. Since I screwed everything up.

I tried to be optimistic, hauling my suitcase up the stone stairs. She had kissed me. That had to mean something. Even if we'd both been drunk, and we had a history of kissing each other for the sake of it…

I looked up, praying, almost. Maybe this was all in my head.

Ahren and Camille went in first to much excitement. Everyone else must have been gathered in the foyer. I hung back a moment and made my appearance when the initial clamor had died down. "Surprise."

In the crowd, I looked for Eadlyn first. It wasn't ideal: her eyes were saucers, her face pale. I wanted to talk to her, apologize and explain everything, but my mom—who also had not known I was coming to visit—shoved her aside to envelope me in a hug. I kept glancing at Eadlyn—I caught her eye once, tried to smile at her before she turned her head again—but I didn't actually get to speak to her until Mom pulled her in by the arm, unwilling. "I can't believe you arranged this all behind my back! Oh, Eadlyn, you're the best!"

"You've got it wrong. This was not my idea," Eadlyn said shortly.

I winced at the ice in her tone. I could tell just by her posture that she was not at all pleased to see me. I had a lot of explaining to do. "She's just as surprised as you are, Mom. It was all Queen America's idea."

That wasn't exactly true, but at the moment, I didn't really want credit for the plan. Eadlyn didn't just look stiff; she looked angry, and my heartbeat hadn't steadied since the first glimpse of her. I had to talk to her, alone. If I could just explain…

Based on the withering glare and the stubborn refusal to give me any more eye contact than absolutely necessary, I couldn't be sure she'd even allow it.

I finally caught her alone after opening our Christmas gifts. If I could just explain beat in my head like a drum. "Hey, Eady…"

She straightened up, color flooding her cheeks. Even in her candy-cane pajamas, she looked ten times more put-together than I ever could. "Kile. Hi."

I swallowed hard and dove in. "Listen, about what happened…"

"You don't have to do this," she interrupted, all in a rush. "We can pretend it didn't happen."

This wasn't something I wanted to just sweep under the rug. "I just thought you should know, about Alice and I-"

"Don't." Eadlyn cut me off again, harsher this time. "It's none of my business, your personal life. I'd take it all back if I could."

Oh.

"Do you really mean that?" I asked, mouth suddenly dry. How much exactly was she looking to take back?

"Yes. Obviously," she spat, pushing past me to leave the parlor. I was left staring at her back, then the slamming door, wondering if there was any hope left for what I'd set out to do.

Eadlyn ducked out after Christmas dinner; I trotted after her like a lost puppy and found her in the parlor again. She didn't look like she wanted company, but I had to try. I cleared my throat. "You left pretty fast."

"I know. I just needed a minute," she said, voice hollow. From the prideful creature that was Eadlyn, that was a major admission.

"Because of the pregnancy announcement?" I guessed. I'd seen the change in her face when Kaden dropped the bomb.

"I know. I know how awful that is," she lamented. "I feel like the worst person in the world right now."

This was the closest we'd been to a real conversation since I got back. I may have actually been looking at the real Eadlyn rather than the front she put up. I joined her on the couch carefully, not touching her, but close. "I don't think you're the worst person in the world," I told her gently. Far from it. I found her spectacular, flawed and frustrating as she was. "I kind of get it. I'm thrilled for Josie, obviously, but I feel a little stalled out, too."

It was a mess of my own making. If I wanted to just check the boxes, I never would've come here. I'd still be in Bonita, with Alice, probably engaged by now.

But it wasn't about checking boxes for me.

"Don't be ridiculous, Kile," Eadlyn scoffed, bitter. "You have your job in the city." She said job like it was everything. "And you have Alice."

The way she said Alice was worse.

"Eady." I fought to keep my voice steady. "I tried to tell you earlier. Alice and I broke up."

The mask she wore rippled, then tightened. "Was it because of me?"

"No," I said eventually. "We were doomed from the start." Because she wasn't you. "I may have realized that at the exact moment you kissed me, but that doesn't make it your fault."

Awkward silence hung in the air. Had I said too much? I pushed on, hoping we were moments away from her understanding me. "Eadlyn, can't we just be honest with each other?" I blurted out. "What were you really thinking, that night by the fountain?"

Say it meant something. Say you feel the same way.

"I wasn't thinking," she admitted, avoiding my eyes again. "I just wanted to kiss you."

Like the Selection, curiosity and stolen moments in the halls. A kiss for the sake of kissing, to feel something.

My stomach tightened. "What about right now?"

Say you've changed your mind. Say you care.

Now she looked at me, but her voice still came out hesitant. "I…want to kiss you."

She turned toward me, so inviting, red lips. I couldn't turn her down. "If that's what you want," I whispered, pulling her in and discarding everything I'd planned.

She showed up at my door the next day. I invited her in even though my room was a disaster—I'd spent the morning trying to organize relics from my teen years, most of which should've been thrown away ages ago. "You're designing something?" she guessed, surveying the open drawers and papers strewn everywhere.

I shook my head. I rarely designed buildings for fun anymore. "Just cleaning up. Not that it really looks any better yet." It actually looked worse. "All this stuff has just been sitting here for the last five years."

"Are you getting rid of it?"

"That remains to be seen."

After a pause, she asked me to appear on the Report with her and the other former Elite on Friday, and I agreed. She could have easily asked for much worse things from me, and I'd agree. The night before had been…wow.

My initial disappointment that the kiss was just a kiss had not lasted very long. Even just remembering it made my head spin. Kissing Eadlyn Schreave was close to a religious experience. There was no one else like her.

"We should talk about it, right?" I asked, resigned.

She grimaced. "Last night? Do we have to?"

I reached for my original intentions, before I was sidetracked by her lips. Talk about it. Apologize. Explain. "The wedding, I meant."

Her scowl deepened. "There's nothing to talk about it. It's over."

"Well…" I had to approach this delicately. "You seem to be under the impression you did something wrong."

"I did," she snapped, defensive as always. "I kissed you. I was totally out of line."

"Not really," I argued, although it wasn't something I was especially proud of. "I mean…it's you and me."

Eadlyn and I had established years ago that we found each other attractive. A stolen kiss in the garden, no strings attached: that was our normal. In my mind, she'd done nothing wrong.

"And you didn't know. I actually went out of my way to make sure you didn't know," I went on. That was the wrong part, my lie of admission. "I mean, I didn't mean for it to go that far, but I didn't want anything to change between us. That makes me the actual worst person in the world. That wasn't fair to you or-"

"Kile, come here," she ordered, cutting me off.

I obeyed automatically. "What, Eady?"

She didn't answer. Instead, she kissed me, pulling me in with both hands. A surprised mmph escaped my mouth only to turn into a contented sigh at feeling of her lips, clutching fistfuls of my shirt, like this was something she needed, not just wanted.

I needed her too, digging my fingers into her back. I still didn't know where we stood, not really, but I suddenly knew we would become exactly what Eadlyn wanted us to be. I folded every single time. If she wanted me to kiss me, I'd kiss her. If she wanted more than that, I'd clear space on the bed.

I still didn't know where we stood, but I was pretty sure I was in love with her; I just couldn't stop kissing her long enough to get the words out.

I caught her eye while she was talking to Ahren and Camille and watched her face change, a momentary spark that she quelled almost immediately. Eyes locked, I nodded towards the stairs. Almost invisibly, she nodded back.

A little thrill ran through me. The minutes in between stretched into hours, until we were finally alone in my room. I took a deep breath, mustering up the best of intentions, but she kissed me before I could make anything of it. It was the same old story once again. You must understand; I could not possibly turn her down.

Eadlyn's fingers just brushed the top button of my shirt, and her voice came out breathy but pleased. "So you've been thinking about me?"

I, on the other hand, could hardly breathe at all. "It's hard not to," I admitted. That was especially true when she was this close to me. "Ever since…"

"Yeah. I know."

Somehow, I didn't think she actually knew when the switch had flipped within me, but she was pulling me in again before I could correct her. Not that there was much point in correcting the queen anyway. Her word was law, and I was whatever she wanted me to be. Right now, it appeared she wanted me to push her against the wall and kiss her neck.

No complaints here.

Acting casual around Eadlyn was a real feat, but all her brothers were around. This could go nowhere. We had to act like friends. Friends who were raised like siblings.

Friends seemed difficult and siblings entirely impossible when she looked like that. She was shaking out her hair—she'd landed sideways attempting a flip into the pool—in a black bikini. It was entirely different than the glimpses I'd had had of her in darkness. I had never seen this much of her in daylight; I honestly thought I might pass out.

But I was a gentleman. I was better than this. Despite the temptation, despite the memories from last night flooding in, the way she touched me, I made a real-but-largely-unsuccessful effort not to stare.

Eadlyn was looking at me too—not quite as openly, because she was the queen and the queen was always classy, but I caught her gaze lingering. There was a rush that came with knowing I had her attention. Even if I wanted her more than she wanted me, I appreciated the thinly-veiled desire in her eyes.

Then Osten tackled her from behind, and the mesmerizing moment was over so quickly it might not have even happened. Eadlyn came up cursing and threatening to throw Osten in the torture chamber, and the pool turned to chaos. Everyone splashed each other; alliances were formed and dissolved on whims. Osten thwacked me over the head with a pool noodle. I picked him up—at fifteen, he was close to my height but scrawny—and dunked him in the water.

In those moments, it was possible to forget about sizzling tension and exposed skin and Eadlyn as a whole. It lulled me into a false sense of security. I picked Eadlyn up, prepared to give her the same WWE treatment I'd given her brother, only to find my heart leaping into my throat. The contact burned. She burned. Eadlyn laughed and protested, apparently unaffected, and I tossed her back in the pool clumsily, hoping no one would notice the way I faltered. The effect she had on me was dangerous.

How was I supposed to leave this behind at the end of the week?

How could I not spend the rest of my life wanting more?

When we got tired of roughhousing, we sat on the poolside, near Josie and Camille's lounge chairs. Kaden and Osten were still kicking at each other halfheartedly, but I was more concerned about Eadlyn's thigh pressing into mine, our knees knocking together. There was no actual reason for us to sit this close.

Josie cleared her throat. "Kile?"

I leaned back, shading my eyes with my free hand. "Yes?"

"Mom told me to make sure you wear sunscreen."

I rolled my eyes. "Josie, I am twenty-five."

"Don't be mad at me! I'm just telling you!"

"I'm not mad at you. But-"

Josie made at my face at me and went back to talking to Camille, who was apparently much better company. I turned away, only to realize Eadlyn was staring at me, not subtly. Now that burned. I sucked in a breath; I'd known she was close to me, but I hadn't expected her to be that close.

"I want to see you tonight," she said in a low voice, soft and lilted. A shiver ran down my spine; I felt frozen. "My room. After everyone else is asleep. Meet me upstairs."

It was just physical for her. It had to be. There was no other explanation for the deliberate invitation to her room, no excuse to be seen, and now, the way she yanked my shirt off. Love was the wrong word; lust was the right one.

I wanted both, but I had no right to demand either from Her Majesty. She owed me nothing. I couldn't tell her how I felt about her when she was clearly happy with the way things were. It wouldn't be a confession but a burden.

And, truth be told, I didn't want to risk losing this, either. Her.

"Eady," I murmured. "What do you want, Eady?"

Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I mean something to you.

"This," she whispered, guiding my hands to the zipper at the back of her dress. "I want this."

There it was, in the plainest words she'd ever give me. I hoped it was too dark for her to see how those words hit me. This. The two of us, her bed, my shirt and tie somewhere across the room.

I wanted more; I wanted her to love me, but I couldn't actually deny it: I wanted this too.

I unzipped the dress, let out a shuddery breath as she slipped it off. It shouldn't have been different from seeing her by the pool earlier, except we were alone now, and there was that look in her eye. She was challenging me, scolding me for staring, and encouraging me to touch her in one short glance.

I couldn't possibly say no.

It was everything I'd ever wanted.

It would never be enough.

I could never tell her.

I had to tell her.

I was a jumbled mess of contradicting thoughts, but fortunately, Eadlyn was very good at stopping my brain. This was the Selection on steroids, things we'd never done before, things I'd never allowed myself to want from her before.

She was incredible.

After, the words left my mouth reluctantly. "I should go, probably."

It was tempting, certainly, to stay and hold her through the night, but my feelings for Eadlyn had not entirely removed my common sense.

She shifted, her back pressing into my front. "Why? Can't you stay?"

My stomach tightened. It was impossible to say no to her. Still, I tried to be reasonable. "If I fall asleep here, your maid will catch us in the morning."

I knew how Eadlyn valued her pride. I knew she didn't want anyone to know about us, whatever we were.

She hesitated. "Eloise won't be here tomorrow," she eventually admitted. "I told her not to. Just in case."

My mouth fell open. "So you planned this? Us? Tonight?"

To me, it had seemed like the natural progression of things, resolve wearing thin for both of us, but it should not have surprised me that Eadlyn's mind was made up well in advance.

"How spontaneous do you think I am?" she demanded. "Of course I planned this! Not in, like, graphic detail, but I knew what I wanted."

Me. I was flattered; I teased her anyway. "I feel manipulated."

"Didn't hear you complaining when we were in the throes of passion, but okay."

She really was something. I held her tighter, laughing. "If it means so much to you, Your Majesty, I'll stay."

"It does," she whispered. "Stay."

She confused me. That was nothing new, though; I had actually come to expect it. Already drowsy, I decided it was something I could deal with in the morning. Fully entwined with Eadlyn, a sense of delusional peace flooded over me, and I fell into a deep sleep.

I had this weird dream about a marching band. When I woke up, there was no moment of confusion; I knew exactly where I was and who I was with and what I wanted to do. Eadlyn. I stretched, my hold on her tightening, and kissed her, starting at her cheek but intending to make my way to her lips.

"None of that," she said sternly, rolling away from me. "We overslept. Osten was just in here; Josie's probably checking your room now."

I yawned. It was probably good thing she'd stopped me from kissing her. Still half-asleep, I'd forgotten everything except how affectionate I felt toward her. I'd definitely forgotten that we were temporary. "Well, that's not good."

"Not good?" she repeated indignantly. "Kile, this is much worse than that."

"What, are you ashamed of me?" I asked teasingly, expecting her to say yes.

Eadlyn Schreave continued to confuse me. At this point, it was kind of her thing. "I'm not ashamed of you. Well, not you specifically. Being caught in bed by my little brother was not on my bucket list," she grumbled.

I frowned. Her pride, as usual. "He didn't see anything. He just saw us sleeping; there's nothing wrong with that."

It didn't help. "He knows. Everybody's going to know!"

That was more like what I expected from her. My initial impression was correct: this was not good. "They don't actually know anything yet," I reminded her. "Although…I probably should get out of here."

I climbed out of bed with great effort and started looking around for the rest of my clothes. We'd been so tired last night, and comfortable, that neither of us had bothered getting fully dressed just to sleep. "I'll go first, take the brunt of it. I'll tell them whatever you want me to."

I didn't care what anyone thought about me. I just cared about Eadlyn, who had pulled the blankets over her head. "Tell them I'm dead."

I hated being a source of embarrassment for her. I forced my tone to stay light. "Hmm, I think I'll try we were just talking. Don't be long, Eady. And hold your head high."

I wasn't sure if she'd listen to me or not. I slipped out of her room with one thing on my mind: damage control. Presumably everyone else was having breakfast, so I met them in the dining room to defend the queen's honor.

Osten had told everybody everything, and even if he hadn't, last night's rumpled clothes spoke volumes. As expected, the royal family and company gave me shit as I took my seat. Josie kept asking me if Eadlyn and I were "in love now"' as if I'd actually answer that. Kaden offered me a high-five, but I was less keen on accepting Ahren's heartfelt congratulations, because, like, that was his sister.

I let them bug me and ask their questions. Better me than her. I could only imagine how Eadlyn would respond to the flurry of teasing and gossip, how she'd see it as an attack. I didn't mind bearing it; I just made sure everyone knew it was not what it looked like and they were not to pester the queen about it.

Unfortunately, I did not possess the required authority to prevent pestering entirely. When Eadlyn joined us for breakfast—unsurprisingly, she refused to even look at me—everyone else perked up, hoping to interrogate her like they'd already interrogated me. I did what I knew she'd want me to do: ignored her, instead bouncing the baby on my lap and babbling back and forth with her. I still watched out of the corner of my eye as she sat down next to Camille. Big mistake: Camille came off as sweet and innocent, but she was also a master manipulator. I knew this because I had played poker with her many times and lost.

I tried not to listen—it was none of my business—but I couldn't help overhearing a few choice words, Eadlyn's sharp tone burning into my breath.

But that doesn't mean anything.

It. Is. Nothing.

None of it was news to me, but my throat still went dry when I heard it from her mouth. I had thrown it all away, a fine relationship, a girl I could have married, all because of one stupid drunken kiss, and all to be reduced to nothing.

I wasn't sure why I agreed to meet Eadlyn on the balcony. She'd avoided me all day—I'd expected it, but it still stung—and I knew how she really felt about me. Unfortunately, as much as Eadlyn confused me, I confused myself even more. I couldn't say no.

She was magnetic, even when she was prideful and frustrating and a whole slew of other things. It was impossible to be irritated with her, even though I wanted to be, when she was resting her head on my shoulder, pressed to my side. It was impossible not to soften to that version of her, the realer version. The version I was still, infuriatingly, desperately in love with.

"I just can't believe it," she lamented. "It's so embarrassing. My brothers are getting married and having kids, and I'm getting caught sneaking my ex into my room like a teenager. It's not fair."

"I'm sorry to be such a source of shame for you," I said dryly, turning away.

"I'm not ashamed of you. That's not what I meant."

"But you wish it hadn't happened," I stated. That was the real crux of the issue. I could handle her embarrassment, could handle her using me when I wanted more, but I couldn't handle being her regret.

I was surprised by how fiercely she shook her head. "No. I'm glad it happened."

She confused me. She would probably always confuse me. One minute, I was nothing to her, and the next, she was glad we'd hooked up. I occasionally thought Eadlyn Schreave had something personal against making sense. Even if I asked her directly, there was no guarantee she'd give me a straight answer as to what she meant.

When I considered confessing my feelings for Eadlyn, I was reduced to a nervous wreck usually associated with high school freshmen on first dates. She was intimidating, and we had a good thing going. Why approach it with a bomb?

Because deep down, you know this isn't what you really want. Because you left the first time without fighting for her, and look how that turned out.

I was running out of time.

Eadlyn leaned into me. "Tell me about architecture. Your life has to be going better than mine. I want to hear about it."

I almost laughed; it was so unlike her. Eadlyn didn't want talk about buildings—these days, I didn't even want to talk about buildings. I'd spent the majority of my life thinking if I could leave the palace and become and architect, I'd be happy, but it wasn't as simple as that. I worked at a major architecture firm—Eadlyn had gotten me the job—and I was good at what I did. The pay was excellent. The work was fine.

It just wasn't what I'd actually been dreaming about. It didn't fulfill me like I thought it would.

Eadlyn definitely wouldn't want to hear about that. So I told her, "It's fine."

"It's fine?" she repeated indignantly.

I nodded earnestly. "It's fine. I wouldn't want to bore you. Tell me about being queen."

She tilted her head, weighing the options. "It's impossible most of the time, but it's rewarding. Exhausting, too. Sometimes, I still think I'm not the right person for the job, and-"

"You are," I interrupted, unable to help myself.

"Huh?"

"You are the right person for the job." Out of every person in the world, Eadlyn was the last one who should doubt herself. My dream had fallen flat, but Eadlyn had ended up exactly where she should be. I couldn't imagine a better queen. If one of us had their life together, it was her.

For some stubborn reason, those words refused to leave my mouth, along with several others I was running out of chances to say. Regardless of whether she wanted to hear them or not.

She probably didn't.

I tensed; I'd wrecked it, said too much again. "I can go. If you want."

"Why would I want you to go?" Eadlyn asked, although she didn't soften at all. Something was wrong.

"Why would you want me to stay?" I countered.

A lot bolder than I was, she tilted her head towards the bedroom, eyebrows raised suggestively. I let out a short bark of laughter. "Oh? Really?"

"Really," she confirmed, biting her lip like maybe she wasn't so sure after all.

I threw my head back. Impossible. She was really just impossible.

Regardless, the answer was yes. This was us; this was the way we worked. I had to get out of my head and stop looking for something that clearly wasn't there.

I pulled the curtains closed, wrapped my arms around her. Hesitated. Eadlyn looked up at me, a careful inspection of my face I wasn't used to. "You're quiet," she observed.

She could tell I was holding something back. I wrestled the voices in my head into submission, forced myself to just shrug. "We don't want to get caught, right?"

"Of course not. That was awful."

She must have believed me—a great relief—because she pulled me back in and kissed me. Suddenly, we were back at the fountain, but this time, there was no Alice and no reason to stop. When Eadlyn was kissing me like that, fast and greedy, skipping to the good part, everything else ceased to exist. I wasn't bored with my job in Bonita. I wasn't agonizing over how the queen might feel about me. At the moment, I knew how she felt: she wanted me, and that was enough. Everything else could be sorted out in the morning, when I was thinking clearly, or at least more clearly than this.

I loved her. I knew that, and I knew how it would end.

It. Is. Nothing.

But this?

I knew how this would end too. It was easier.

I woke up before Eadlyn, even before the maid snuck in to sneak me out. I yawned, then stilled, not wanting to mess this peaceful moment up. Eadlyn was never this serene when she was awake. She was difficult and unpredictable, impossible to read.

But so beautiful. I'd seen her entirely undone the night before, but she was perhaps even more beautiful now, a soft smile on her face as she hogged the blankets. My heart sped up just looking at her. I was so far gone.

I hadn't faced the truth yet, not fully. I loved her—no, I was in love with her, sinking deeper every second. Her pride, her stubbornness, her sharp tongue, I loved all of it. I wanted to understand her fully, knock down her walls until she let me in. I wanted everything with her—not the "everything" we had last night, but the kind of love you shared with the world, wedding bands and a crown, if that was what it took.

I had to tell her.

It was worth the risk.

I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't.

"Eadlyn," I whispered, not wanting to wake her too harshly. "Eadlyn."

Right as she began to stir, the maid's door opened. I cursed Eloise's timing but went along with the original plan of slipping out of Eadlyn's room before dawn. When I did tell her, I love you, please take me, I wanted it to be perfect.

I wanted to be all in.

It was one of those things you definitely weren't supposed to do on a whim. I called my supervisor in Bonita and quit. All in. I was going to tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, tonight. I was taking the risk.

And if she says no…?

I had no idea what I'd do. There was no backup plan, but I couldn't think about that, or the way she brushed me off as nothing the day before. I had to be positive, or maybe just delusional. She asked me to stay the night in her room. That meant something.

It had to.

Osten interrupted me when I tried to tell her by the pool. I didn't get to talk to her again for hours, when the rest of the Schreaves left one by one, leaving Eadlyn and I alone, finally.

I sucked in a big breath of air. I had taken great lengths, training myself not to stare at her, but that was easier said than done. In the moonlight, she might have been carved from marble, exquisitely shaped and luminous, looking at me with undisguised interest, as was quickly becoming standard for us.

It was tempting, and it was so easy to get caught up in her and the way she tasted, but we needed to talk. For real, this time. I bit my lip. "Do you want to go upstairs?"

She looked me up and down. "I mean…" Her gaze scorched; my resolve dissipated. Maybe I could tell her later? "Upstairs is far away…"

Fuck.

Right here, right now?

She was insatiable, undeniable, and right in front of me. We had all night, I reasoned, so it wasn't a moral failing if I scooped her up and kissed her, soaking wet and in full public view, but completely incapable of caring. My plan could be altered to include her legs hooked around my waist, getting to know every square inch of her.

Then she gasped, pulling away from me. Her eyes were wide as saucers; she looked scared. "Eady, did I do something?" I asked urgently. I had thought she wanted this. The last thing I wanted was to scare her.

"No," she choked out. "No, you're fine."

I didn't believe her, not with the frightened way she was still looking at me. Before I could press the issue further, she yanked herself out of my arms and bolted. "Eadlyn!" I called after her. "Wait! Just a minute! Let me explain…"

She ran. The words died in my mouth. Obviously, she didn't want to hear them.

Obviously, somewhere along the line, I had ruined everything.

It was the worst feeling in the world. I couldn't think of anything that stung more than Eadlyn taking off just before the moment of truth.

I lay in bed, staring up in the ceiling and unable to sleep. Usually, this time of night, I'd be tangled up with Eadlyn—she'd be ordering me around; I liked that she knew exactly what she wanted and made sure she got it.

I shut my eyes. I didn't even know what I'd done wrong—as far as I was aware, I hadn't done anything wrong. She hadn't even given me the chance to fuck it all up like I'd planned, putting it all on the line, hoping against hope she felt the same way.

I supposed she'd still more or less given me an answer.

I'd waited too long. That was what it was. I'd kept quiet, followed her lead, and bet everything on something that had never been a guarantee.

Her.

The problem and the solution.

The most frustrating person in the world.

It was too late now, but I realized, unfortunately, that I could not let it go. I knew how it would end, and I knew it would hurt, but that didn't matter. It already hurt. If I ever wanted to move on from Her Majesty—which seemed unlikely, considering that first five-years-later kiss had struck me like a bolt of lightning—I had to see this through.

I had to tell her.

Whatever the consequences might be.