Happy Monday! And Happy March! Can't believe we're in March already.

We are finally back on the surface again and in Skyhold.
It's still an intense chapter but we're at least out of the Deep Roads.

I promise it will slowly start to get lighter from here.

TW: Brief mention of suicide in the beginning, and weight loss.
Mental health always comes first so please skip any parts that are triggering x

Thank you for all your love and support in the meantime. It always means the world to me!

—-

Chapter 43:

Lara peered at the depths below her. How easy it would be to throw herself into the abyss and end it all. End this madness. This hell. These depths were unfamiliar to her though and the thought of being ripped to shreds by whatever lurked below quickly shut down those intrusive thoughts. She needed to live. She needed to fight. She needed to see the light again. The darkness wouldn't take her. It took too much from her already.

With a small thread of determination she hadn't known in days, weeks, she raised her shields. They shone bright, her energy increasing from that small seed of determination. The hope that after this final battle, they could make it to the surface. Never did she believe that the sun, the surface, was a luxury. A luxury worth fighting for.

Bull and Blackwall hacked away ruthlessly at the rock limbs that flailed towards them, Bull grunting with each attack. It wasn't the bloodshed he needed to satisfy his thirst but it was enough. He was still killing something. On and on they went, till blue veins illuminated spots on the floor.

"Move!" Lara shouted. She somehow had found her voice.

Soon, they were all aware and avoided each of the spots that illuminated as rock pillars erupted from the platform. There was little space to move and one wrong move would cost them. Cost them the battle. Cost them their life. They jumped to this side and that, avoiding their deaths. The limbs soon rose above them, reviving themselves. Swinging their weapons again, they were hurting it but it wasn't enough. They would exhaust themselves at this rate by just weakening it alone. And those pillars. If they came back again, they needed their strength. Lara assessed it from the corners, trying to spot a weakness. Anything. Bull and Blackwall were huffing, glistening in sweat and Lara's energy was slowly slipping the longer she held up her shields. She was still too weak.

Then, she heard it. The hum. The song. The lyrium crystals.

"Dorian…the crystals. That's where it's getting its power from," Lara called out to him.

"Don't have to tell me twice to destroy it. I really do detest the stuff," Dorian smirked, staff at the ready.

"You and me both," Lara shut her eyes.

Dorian wasted no time, his magic echoing around them as he chipped away at one of the lyrium crystals. Electricity zapped from her fingertips, flowing through her staff as bolts struck their target. Her first real magic in days but her mana was still low, she could feel it. The bolts weren't as strong as they could be. Her only source of energy was to conjure up her emotions. To use those emotions to empower her magic. She tapped into that fear, that panic of not knowing how Cullen was. Her nightmares rose to the surface and she let them stay there, clear in her head. Let those emotions take hold of her body, she let them have power. When they were at their strongest, to the point where her legs nearly gave out as she ran out of air, she took a breath. And flowed it towards her magic.

—-

Rocks ricocheted off the platform around her. They had defeated it. Lara stayed on her hands and knees panting. Trying to catch her breath, to steady herself from the panic she let consume her. Nausea stirred but no urge to vomit thanks to whatever was in that antidote.

Count. One…

A big inhale in, trying to focus on the flow of the air in her lungs. When her lungs burned, she released it.

Out. Two…

Blackwall had guided her numerous times through this, the routine stuck with her. It was like muscle memory. She didn't know whether that should alarm her or not but decided not to dwell on it. Strong arms were grabbing her, helping her up to her feet. She held onto them, only to be face to face with Blackwall. He nodded at her and Lara could've sworn it was a proud expression on his face. Proud that she had taken in his words and managed to steady herself without his guidance. Movement in the background caught her eye.

Valta!

With shaky legs, she made her way over to her. Valta gripped her head wincing as she stood up. Lara assessed her. She didn't seem injured but something was wrong.

"Too loud…the Song…STOP!" Valta screamed.

As she held up her hand, an aura of light blue erupted from her hand, magic bursting out of it. Lara held her arms up to shield from the gust of magic that blew their way. The flashback of Cullen covered in his own blood, the scream that caused her magic to erupt uncontrollably, covering them all in green. It was reliving the past only she was now the one watching. Panic took hold of her again at Cullen's blood. Those gasps he took as the blade cut through his skin. The cry that left him that still haunted her to this day. Lara squeezed her eyes shut trying to shut out the memory.

"You were hit by raw lyrium," Dorian commented as the light blue aura subsided.

"Yes—it should have poisoned me, but I…feel fine. Good, even," Valta smiled in awe.

"Your magic isn't controlled," Lara trembled.

"I am in control. I would never harm you, Inquisitor," Valta bowed.

Lara still wasn't convinced. Uncontrolled magic was dangerous. Dwarves couldn't have magic as far as Lara was concerned yet…it was magic that burst from her hand. Much like her Anchor, only light blue…like lyrium. Like the Sha-Brytol. What did that magic mean…what could it do…

"Does this mean the earthquakes have ceased?" Blackwall asked, staring at her wearily.

"When we entered this cavern, there was a presence. I don't feel it anymore," Valta answered.

Valta made her way to the side of the bridge, the light peeking through shining on her skin.

"The stone is silent. The rhythm has faded, and so have the tremors. But the song still echoes…it tells me things…" Valta nearly whispered.

She turned to face Lara.

"The Breach—that's what disturbed the Titan. It is calm now that it has a connection with one of its children…with me," Valta continued.

"Was that the Titan we fought?" Lara dared to ask.

"The Titan lives. This was…an echo. A guardian. But you silenced it," Valta smiled.

"And if the Titan decides to attack again?" Lara hesitated, not wanting to know.

"Titans do not stir easily. It has been a thousand years," Valta shook her head.

Valta made her way back to the side of the bridge again. Lara slowly walked over to her, not sure where this conversation was going or if it was answering any of her questions. She did not have any idea what had happened nor was her brain processing any of it.

"'Isana'. It's our word for lyrium, and we are taught that it is a gift from the Stone. But there's so much more to it than we ever imagined. I was sent to the Deep Roads to recover lost history. This is only the beginning. I am staying here," Valta declared.

How could someone want to stay here…in this nightmare, this hell…

"How in the Maker's name do you intend on surviving down here?" Dorian arched an eyebrow.

"I have my stone sense, and now so much more. I'll be safe," Her smile grew.

"Unlikely," Dorian muttered under his breath.

"Dwarves don't have magic…yet you can. Why not be part of the Inquisition?" Lara offered, hoping she would take it.

"I have no place on the surface. That world is yours to save, not mine," Valta shook her head.

Don't remind me…

They all stood in silence watching her. Another decision upon her shoulders, only it wasn't hers to make. It was Valta's decision. She couldn't force her.

"Who could she harm down here besides herself?" Blackwall shrugged.

"Was that supposed to be helpful?" Dorian shot back.

Bull chuckled as he crossed his arms.

"Doesn't mean it's not true," Blackwall responded.

Dorian scoffed. He didn't like the idea of leaving her down here as much as Lara. Realistically, there wasn't any harm she could do. She hoped that what they did would at least put them in her good books next time the Titan decided to stir and unleash chaos.

"I am called to the search, Inquisitor. This is where I belong," Valta spoke to her only.

Lara nodded. Blackwall and Bull began to depart as Valta made her way towards the platform. Lara watched her, more confused than before the battle. None of this was making any sense to her and there were more questions than answers. Dorian placed a hand on her shoulder, guiding her to depart back where they came from.

"Wait…" She called out, her voice still weak.

Valta turned to face her.

"What do I say when they ask about you?" Lara asked.

"Tell them the truth: you don't know," Valta replied.

—-

A celebration was had when Lara and her party returned to the Legion of the Dead camp. Rylen had guided the soldiers back up and were already at the camp by the time they had arrived. That same hollowness tore at her. She only stared at them with what she was sure was a blank expression. The cruel stench of darkspawn tugged at her, bringing back unwanted memories. Thankfully, that wall was still sealed. The quakes hadn't crumbled it back down.

Meals were being cooked by the Legion, drinks passed around. Laughter and chatter echoed through the stone around them. Lara sat there, staring. Numb. It was better to be numb. Better to retreat back to that emptiness than feel anything at all. She barely registered the looks Dorian and Rylen were giving her as they whispered amongst themselves. What were they even celebrating? What was the purpose of all this? What did she even do here? Nothing. Her mind could draw up nothing.

"Please don't tell me you're going to pass up on a cooked meal. It may not be the luxury we're used to but it's better than rations," Dorian spoke as he sat beside her.

"I'm not hungry," She muttered as she stared at Maker knows what.

Dorian sighed.

"My dear, you have no idea what you look like right now and it…terrifies me," Dorian swallowed hard.

Too many emotions. As if she could feel his emotions and it was enough to make her want him to leave her alone. As if his emotions would crack something inside of her. She already knew how visible her bones were, how dull her skin appeared. She didn't want to stare back at her face. It would be like looking into her soul and she wasn't ready for that. Wasn't ready to face the reality of what this place had done to her. What it had taken from her.

One of the Legion members approached them, two bowls in hand filled to the brim with a sort of stew. She could barely smell it over the smell of darkspawn. Was no one else smelling it? Was it just in her head?

"One will suffice," Dorian spoke, taking one of the bowls.

The Legion member took one look at Lara and understood. He didn't force the second bowl on them.

"You look horrible, too," Lara finally spoke.

Dorian had lost some weight himself, his complexion paler. He no longer carried himself with a boastful air. This place had changed him too. He had suffered because of it.

"I doubt I look as awful as you," Dorian looked into the bowl, stirring it gently.

"Do you not smell it?" She whispered.

"Smell what?" Dorian arched an eyebrow.

"That stench. The darkspawn," She replied, still staring into the distance.

Dorian stopped stirring, the wooden spoon resting against the bowl. He sat upright, assessing her. It was indeed inside her head, then.

"The darkspawn have been long gone from here. Ever since they sealed that wall," He replied slowly.

Lara didn't want to respond. Dorian was already cautious now that she had admitted that little secret. That she was imagining things. That her mind was stuck somewhere it couldn't be found. The exact thing she was scared about with Cullen. That she wouldn't be able to bring him back. A spoon soon appeared in front of her. She winced but opened her mouth all the same. She swallowed it down before she could taste anything. Nausea brewed in her stomach at the intrusion and she nearly gagged. With the stench, all she could think about was the Broodmother. As if that soup was bits of darkspawn…

"No…I can't…" She nearly sobbed.

"You'll be pleased to know I am not willing to spend another night here. You most definitely are not either," Dorian rose to his feet and placed the bowl where he sat.

"Where are you going?" She wrapped her arms around herself.

"To fight with the annoyingly attractive Starkhaven templar," Dorian huffed.

She couldn't even laugh. Couldn't even feel guilty for letting Dorian push his suffering aside for her. All she knew was that if Dorian wasn't here, she would have succumbed to that darkness. Let it consume her until it stared back at her.

—-

Sunlight. Warmth. Trees. Air. Grass. Gravel. Birds. Animals. She was starting to believe the surface was a myth. A life she lived in a past life. A life that wasn't hers. She couldn't even cry, it would take too much out of her. Slowly, she fell to her knees and let her body fall to the floor, on the crisp grass. The warmth of the sun was enough to peer through the darkness inside her. To remind it that a light did exist somewhere. She laid there for Maker knows how long. No one dared to interrupt her, knowing what torture she endured in the Deep Roads.

She had given in to a fitful sleep. Her body wasn't even capable of fighting the exhaustion that took hold of her in the Legion Camp. Last she remembered were Dorian and Rylen's eyes on her as they discussed, or disagreed. Her body was slipping…the world turning blurry…losing her grip…footsteps rushed towards her. Rylen was shouting. Hands were on her, holding her. Then she was gone.

The warm sun rays peeking through her tent woke her up from her slumber. Secretly, she was never this grateful to be exhausted. It meant a dreamless sleep. A sleep where she was safe from the nightmares. An exhaustion so heavy, the nightmares couldn't touch her. They weren't far from Skyhold, Rylen had told her. So she took this time to lay in the grass, to let nature seep into her skin, her bones, as if it could cleanse the darkness. As if it could cure her.

—-

Silent tears rolled down her face at the sight of Skyhold in the distance. Her emotions were difficult to read but she was not the same since she left those gates to the Deep Roads. She hoped it was excitement that brewed inside her. She hoped Skyhold would still be her home, that her mind wouldn't try to taint it. The magic that flowed through the fortress should be enough to keep the darkness at bay. Or so she hoped.

Embarrassment. Suddenly, she was terrified to see the expressions on everyone's face when they saw her. She still refused to look at herself. The carriage approached the gates and the urge to jump off and run away to hide was overwhelming. Luckily there wasn't a huge audience awaiting. Only Cassandra, Leliana, Josephine, Solas, and some Inquisition soldiers.

Cullen…

Was he still ill? It couldn't be possible. His body wouldn't have withstood withdrawals for this long but Solas would have told her if he had worsened. Finally, they were reunited in the same place. Under the same roof. But the thought of him seeing her like this made her sick. Perhaps it would be best to hide for now. Rylen offered his hand, guiding her out of the carriage. Concern was heavily etched on Solas's face as he saw her with his own eyes rather than in the Fade. Cassandra stood in shock. Leliana's expression had hardened…into anger. Josephine's eyes watered. The soldiers weren't shocked but they weren't happy to see the state she was in.

"Maker…you look…it was worse than you let on," Cassandra narrowed her eyes at Rylen instead.

"Aye, just like you kept Cullen's condition hidden. It was worse than you let on, Seeker," Rylen spat.

"It was to protect her. How did you even know?" Cassandra bit back.

"I sought her out in the Fade and told her," Solas replied calmly.

"I should've known you would," Cassandra muttered to herself.

"She isn't a child. There's no need to protect her," Rylen carried on.

"Oh, you finally learned that lesson, have you?" Dorian piped up.

"Cullen has already given me a lecture. Spare me yours," Cassandra replied.

"Oh, no I'm not. Not after the state I had to witness her in," Rylen closed the distance between them.

"Please stop talking about me as if I'm not here," Lara wrapped her arms around herself.

Silence. They assessed her. Took her in. She wasn't the same person that left this fortress however long it had been. The Lara that came back was isolated, locked and lost in the dark corners of her mind. Lost in the trauma she had endured, the harsh awakening of what the world truly held. She had almost wished she was back in her family home enduring what she had endured. That seemed like a luxury compared to what she went through now. She came back hollow, both internally and externally.

"Would you like to see Cullen? I'm sure he's eager to see you," Leliana spoke up.

"Not today," Lara shook her head.

"My dear…" Dorian started.

"Tomorrow. Please don't make me today," Lara hugged herself tighter.

"As long as you promise to see him tomorrow," Dorian narrowed his eyes.

Lara nodded. She didn't miss the way Rylen pressed his lips together, as if stopping himself from protesting. As if knowing what she endured was too much. It was too much for everyone.

"I will inform him," Leliana confirmed.

Dorian put his arm around her and guided her towards the stairs. Towards the fortress to her quarters, knowing exactly what she needed. There was no proper discussion or celebration. As if everyone knew this wasn't the time. As if they knew it wasn't the same Inquisitor who had returned to them.

—-

Dorian prepared a proper bath worthy of any noble. He went through extra lengths with the help of Vivienne to make sure it was perfect. Her quarters now reeked of pure honey and jasmine, but she would take it over the alternative. Over what lurked in the depths below. Dorian made himself busy to visit Bull and promised to come back with a meal for them both.

Lara hated the silence. Hated how loud it was. Hated the four walls, even if there was an open balcony with light shining through. Naked, she made her way to the bath but not before catching a glimpse of herself through the mirror. The sight halted her footsteps, the body before her so foreign. A haunted memory of what she endured. As if those depths had taken something from her, and left her with nothing. Just skin and bones. Hollow. Pale. Lifeless.

The shock never came. The disgust never showed. She was only looking at another version of herself. Watching herself. This wasn't her body. This wasn't her. She didn't know where Lara had gone or what happened to her. All that training with Blackwall was for nothing. She came back like this. Not as a warrior, or a fighter, but as a skeleton of herself. Closing her eyes, she forced her legs to walk towards the bath. She welcomed the scalding hot water. It was a feeling, it was something. She just hoped it would wash away the taint, the filth, the poison, the trauma from her. Hoped that somehow it would peer the tiniest ray of life inside her.

—-

They will be approaching Skyhold soon.

Nicholas's words echoed in his head and suddenly nerves twisted themselves inside him, gripping him. She was close. He could finally lay eyes on her again. Embrace her in his arms; her favourite place. Get lost in that honey and jasmine scent he loved so much. Doubts also crept in. What state would she be in? Based on what little information was in the reports, she wasn't coping well. What if she was angry with him? What if she wanted nothing to do with him?

No! I can't think like that.

Sitting alone with his thoughts was making him restless. He swung his legs over the side and lifted himself up, wincing at the soreness in his muscles. He started pacing to burn off the nerves. Solas had taken care of him under her orders. She wouldn't have done that if she hated him. Solas had visited her in the Fade. He would have gladly delivered the news to him if Lara declared she wanted nothing to do with him.

Sighing, he rubbed his palms across his face as if he could wipe away the tension. It did nothing to soothe him. How could he have been so reckless, so selfish? Brushing his symptoms under the rug for so long was only going to blow up in his face one day, he just didn't expect it to become this. His body was weak, the withdrawals had taken so much from him. His muscles still ached from whatever movements he was doing in his sleep. For days. The night sweats dehydrated him immensely, cracking his lips and skin. He wasn't as young as he used to be and his body had been through too much already. It was taking his body so long to fully recover now that he dreaded when the next wave would hit.

He winced at the thought. At the possibility that it may very well kill him one day. Lara was so scared of taking their future away but so was he. There was only so much his body could endure but it was some miracle he had even survived this one. If it hadn't been for Solas, it might have killed him. Lara knew. This whole time she knew he was falling back. He tried so hard to keep it from her, to make it seem like he was alright. And she saw right through him. Maker Bless her for her insight. The details she noticed meant she loved him and that thought warmed him. But that soon faded at the reality that she most likely hated him now.

Resigning from his pacing, he slowly returned back into bed, his muscles protesting at the labor. All he could do was wait. Wait for her to come. Wait for her to yell at him. His thoughts soon came to a screeching halt as Solas appeared with Leliana by his side.

"Where is she?" He asked, looking between them for answers.

"She has returned but it will shock you when you see her," Leliana replied, her expression cold.

"Why?" Cullen asked slowly, bracing himself.

"She is lifeless, both physically and mentally. Trauma in its most purest form. I knew she shouldn't have gone down there and you shouldn't have either," Leliana took slow steps, her voice growing harsher.

Maker…no…

He knew trauma like an old friend. It had haunted him by his side since Kinloch Hold. Since he was a teenager. That visited his dreams as a constant reminder. He would never wish it on anyone and was happy to bear it on his own. But Lara…he couldn't stand it. Not her. He had done this to her, sent her into that madness, risked his own life and abandoned her there. That slash of pain returned in his chest. How could he have fucked this up so much?

"She will see you tomorrow," Solas cut through the silence, sending him out of his thoughts.

Cullen only nodded, lowering his head. In being so blind by his stubbornness, by his determination to prove he was stronger than his withdrawals, he hurt the one person he loved most. The one person he swore to protect. And now he had failed her. Subjected her to torture in those depths below. And left her there to run its course. He suddenly wished she had kept him as an enemy to prevent this.

"I hope the guilt eats you alive when you see her," Leliana hissed before leaving.

The slash cut deeper as if Leliana had found it and tore it open with her bare hands. He could've sworn he was bleeding somewhere. Leliana had somehow softened to Lara. It was very rare that she did towards someone but he understood why she had softened towards her. Lara had been so sheltered, sometimes that child within her that was so hurt came to the surface, it triggered a desire to protect her. To keep her safe. He had witnessed her vulnerability in that dungeon somehow and knew it was his duty to protect her. Not to protect the world from a mage, but to protect her from the world.

"I deserved that," Cullen spoke, a dry laugh leaving him.

"It is not my place to say. The sight of her is…well, you will see. I will come back to visit in the evening," Solas replied before he too walked off.

Rylen hadn't come to visit him but he knew something was brewing. A visit from Rylen was obvious and it wasn't going to be a nice one. Not after his letter that contained two single words in his handwriting: Fuck you.

Only he would have been so daring to send a message like that to his Commander. Whether they were friends or not, Cullen knew that Rylen didn't care. He was hot-headed. Everyone was angry with him and they had every right to be. It felt like there was no way out of this, that he would never be able to make this right. Times like this, he needed Mia to guide him but her answer would not come before tomorrow even if he sent a raven right this moment. If Leliana even allowed him to borrow one. No, he needed to navigate this on his own somehow. He had to make this right. And he would. By the Maker he would.

Running a hand through his hair, he let out a deep sigh.

"To work."

—-

"Please don't tell me you're going to pass up proper food," Dorian arched an eyebrow.

Lara had struggled to take a few bites, each one threatening a wave of vomit she had to fight down. That taint wouldn't leave her, reminding her of her nightmares. Her stomach was still in knots, was still so sensitive. Nausea lurked around the corner. She played with her food, moving it around her plate. Dorian only sighed, but he didn't push.

"I don't expect you to talk about it now, but whenever you're ready, I'm all ears," He spoke softly.

She knew she could always go to Dorian. Knew he would be there to guide her, to listen to her. He was well and truly her best friend and she didn't know how she ever navigated without him. A Tevinter of all people. One she had never expected but was so grateful to whatever allowed their paths to cross.

"The same for you," Lara replied.

"My dear, you are in no state to bear other people's struggles. I at least have the Bull for now but I won't burden you while you're like this," Dorian placed his hand on hers.

Guilty. She should feel so guilty but that hollowness consumed her. It left little room for anything else.

"There is also the matter of your dashing Commander," Dorian eyed her.

Lara winced at the sound of his name. The state he must be in…she didn't dare think of it. She didn't dare to ask Solas for details. Keeping away for tonight allowed her some time to brace herself, but she didn't know what she was bracing herself for. She didn't know what emotions she felt towards him. Anger? Guilt? Frustration? Sadness? He had lied to her, tried to protect her when she begged him not to. To stop keeping the truth from her.

"I'll see him tomorrow," Was all Lara said.

"You're angry with him," Dorian commented.

"I don't know," Lara shrugged. It wasn't a complete lie.

"No one would blame you if you were," Dorian reassured her.

Dropping her fork, she rubbed her hands across her face. None of this was fair yet she didn't know how they got into this mess in the first place. But the sting of his lie, even by omission, burned her inside. He left her down there. No order to bring her back. No order to save her. She refused the rest of her dinner, and thankfully Dorian understood even if he wasn't happy about it. The silence would be kept at bay with Dorian sleeping in her quarters but the nightmares sinked their claws into her the second she fell asleep. Nothing could protect her from them.

—-

For once, she was grateful for the hollowness. No rush of nerves, no excitement, no knots in her stomach, no nausea. Just emptiness. She was approaching Cullen's secluded area of the infirmary with no idea of how this visit was going to unfold. How they would appear to each other. What emotions would arise. Just as she was ready to make herself known, a loud familiar voice stopped her in her tracks.

"Fuck you!" Rylen shouted.

Lara halted at those words. There was only one person he could be shouting at. Cullen's voice was barely detectable. His words were quiet, almost ashamed. She could imagine his head hanging low. She tried to make out his response but couldn't.

"You knew! I told you to tell her. She had a right to know. Nooooo, you thought you fucking knew better though. Next time either of you have some fucking secret, I'm telling the other one," Rylen continued.

Her heart skipped a beat. Rylen had known but wanted Cullen to tell her. He didn't tell her. He didn't listen. Didn't consider her. Secretly, she wished Rylen did. It would have saved so much.

"Why didn't you then!" Cullen fought back.

"Because you are her lover. Not me. It should have come from you," Rylen hissed.

Something sparked within her: anger. Why didn't he tell her? What did he have to prove to her? He lied to her instead. He deemed that better than her knowing the truth. It hurt more than she cared to admit, shattered something small within her. Clearly this was the wrong time and the two men needed to battle this out. Needed to release their pent up emotions. She would visit him later, perhaps, when they cooled down. Her emotions could wait, she wouldn't protest at repressing them, keeping them hidden.

"Lar?" A trembling voice called out to her.

No…that can't be…

Slowly she turned and the color drained from her face as Gabriel stood behind her, eyes wide with shock as he took her in. Words escaped her as she stared at her brother. Someone had invited him to Skyhold otherwise there would be no reason for him to be here.

"Maker…what happened to you?" He whispered aloud, still taking her in.

The mirror in her quarters was the first time she took herself in, the first time she stared back at her reflection. Lifeless. Sunken. Tainted. She would never be that version of herself again, the woman she was before that first descent. That version of her was defiled, taken by the darkspawn, taken by the darkness that lurked. She somehow would have to rebuild herself without those missing pieces. A daunting task that she refused to acknowledge at the moment. It exhausted her just thinking about it.

"Why are you here?" Lara asked quietly.

She didn't want to risk Rylen or Cullen hearing her, knowing she was here. Thankfully the two men were too involved in their heated argument to pay attention.

"Your spymaster said you weren't well but…this…was not what I expected," Gabriel's voice trembled.

"I'm fine," She replied sharply.

"Bullshit," Gabriel hissed.

"I doubt she invited you because I wasn't well," Lara held his stare.

Anger made itself known. Anger that had been repressed for so long, finally rising to the surface with her. Crawling under her skin, itching to be released.

"She believed you would need support when you returned," Gabriel answered after a moment.

"She was wrong," Lara snapped.

"Don't start this shit, Lara. Don't lie to me when I can see how ill you look and don't you dare push me away," Gabriel closed the distance between them.

"Your wife and kids need you," Was all she said.

"They agreed I needed to come here. That you needed me," Gabriel shook his head.

Lara took a few steps back, trying to keep distance. Trying to keep any emotions at bay, holding onto that anger with a death grip. She needed it to survive. The second she gave in to those emotions, the fear, the vulnerability, it would consume her. There would be no coming back and she refused to let it win. Before she could reply, Rylen's voice erupted through the silence.

"You weren't there! You didn't have to hear her screams every fucking night! To see her stare at nothing with that vacant look on her face, smelling her vomit everywhere we went, seeing her waste away and there was nothing we could fucking do about it!" He roared, as the bed rattled.

No doubt Rylen was gripping the end of Cullen's bed frame as the rattling echoed. Lara winced at his words. Memories she didn't want to remember, to leave them fuzzy in the back of her mind. Insights she didn't want Gabriel knowing. She dared a look at her brother. He went pale, staring down where Rylen's voice echoed. Then he was looking at her. Concern and pain written on his face at what state his sister had been in.

"Don't you dare say anything. I don't need your pity," Lara hissed.

His mouth opened, as if to fight her, but immediately closed thinking against it. Gently, he placed his hand on her arm and she felt him tense. No doubt at the amount of weight she had lost since they last met in Skyhold. He guided her away from Cullen, away from the infirmary and into the open air where the cool breeze graced her skin, the sun shining on her face. She closed her eyes, savoring it, as if she would never see or feel it again.

—-

It had been a tense afternoon with Gabriel present. Lara held onto that anger so much, she didn't know how to let it go. Gabriel was also shocked to see the change in Dorian's appearance. His mouth continuously opened and closed, wanting to ask so much, wanting to know what happened but stopped himself each time. Neither Lara or Dorian gave him any information.

Even if she wouldn't admit it, there was a comfort in having Gabriel there. A comfort in knowing that he dropped everything to be by her side but she didn't know what to do with that. For years she had believed he abandoned her, that betrayal etched in her bones. It had destroyed her, forced her to isolate herself so it never happened again. Yet, now he was trying to make it right between them. She wanted to accept him back again, that naive part of her that held onto the good memories of him. The current version of her still remained conflicted.

She sighed as she faced a different conflict; Cullen. Now in the evening she stood outside his room not knowing what to do or what to say. Empty, hollow. That spark of anger lost. Maybe seeing him would spark it back, make her scream at him. Or maybe she wouldn't. Maybe it would have been best if he stayed an enemy. If she had been strong enough to keep him there.

"Lethallan," Solas's voice snapped her out of her thoughts.

She stared at him, not sure what to say. Words vanished from her mind.

"He is ready to see you," Solas continued.

Lara only nodded, causing the elf to arch an eyebrow at her. Whatever he wanted to say, he didn't. He could read her like a book and it unnerved her. Unnerved her that he had that insight, like he was intruding in her thoughts.

"How is he?" She whispered, wanting the attention away from her.

"Slow improvements but he is not in the best mood," Solas replied.

"That would be Rylen's doing," Lara sighed.

Solas nodded, as if he already knew. Taking a deep breath, she shut her eyes and slowly let it out. If it was anything she took from Blackwall, it was breathing exercises apparently. Funny how something so small helped steady her. She took cautious steps towards him, not knowing what awaited her on the other side. It had felt like months since she had seen him, heard his voice, inhaled his scent, been wrapped in his arms. The Cullen she had last witnessed was not the same that now stood in front of her.

Her heart dropped into her stomach, stealing the air from her lungs. Hollow. He was hollow too somehow. The lines on his face were sharp, heavy bags under his eyes, color drained from his face, his cheeks sunken. The muscles under his tunic were noticeably less as if he had wasted away. His movements were so weak as he stood himself up from the bed. He too had suffered as a result of his actions. He had made them both suffer.

Lara had hoped that anger stayed with her. It remained gone, and instead a pain so fierce slashed at her. Pain at seeing him like this even if he had caused it. Pain at knowing his lyrium addiction would end him whether he consumed it or not. Tears pricked her eyes and internally she tried to will them away. Fight them away, to shove them so deep into the darkness and let it consume it instead of her. An exchange.

He stilled, as if sensing someone else in the room with him. Time froze as he slowly turned towards her, his eyes widening at the sight of her. Hollowness staring back at each other; a mirror image, a reflection. Neither of them dared to move as their suffering became known to the other. As if looking at each other, they could see their stories unraveling. That blank expression Cullen held her with soon turned into horror.

The first sound to break through the silence was Cullen as his body collapsed on the bed underneath him, his arms holding himself up with effort from what little strength remained.

"Maker, forgive me," His voice cracked.

Lara could've sworn she heard a sob in that beg for forgiveness.