Happy Pre-Monday? Haha.

I come bearing gifts of an early chapter.
This week is going to be pretty hectic with tomorrow being an assessment for my course. So going to be spending most of tomorrow studying.
I don't want to keep you all waiting till Wednesday so you get an earlier chapter this week.

This chapter is the start of the lighter ones that are upcoming. Thank you all for bearing with me (and Lara) through this journey.

NSFW in the middle and towards the end of the chapter.
You have been warned ;)

Thank you so much for all the love and support in the meantime! It means everything to me x

—-

Chapter 45:

"Lara, a moment please. I won't be long," Cassandra called, running towards her.

Her gaze turned towards Cullen who was ensuring the carriage and their belongings were ready for their departure. He was taking her away as if he read some desire of hers deep down beyond the shell she wore. It left her conflicted; relieved that he understood her yet terrified of tainting him with the darkness she carried if he got too close. Cassandra had voted to not tell her about Cullen. Anger simmered beneath her skin again. A small betrayal, but one nonetheless. Still, it didn't stop her making her way over to the Seeker.

"I wanted to give you this," Cassandra nearly blushed.

A book. Not just any book. A romance book. Is this what Cassandra had been reading whenever Lara caught her under the tree, lost between the pages? Romance books?

"Why?" She asked, studying it.

"When everything gets too much, I like to get lost in a book. It helps the world go away. It's a secret, one I won't admit, but one I want to share with you," Cassandra answered.

"So you share this but not about Cullen?" She remarked bitterly.

That anger dissolved into pain. Pain that made her want to lash out at everyone. Through her lesson, through the discovery, her anger towards Cullen had quieted but she still carried that hurt. Lashing out eased at least an ounce of it even if it wasn't right.

"I am sorry. I made a terrible decision and I regret it. I'm giving you this as a start in the right direction. I hope, anyways," Cassandra shook her head, disappointment clear on her face.

"Thank you," Lara forced the words out.

"Ah, winning our Inquisitor over with smutty literature, are we?" Dorian grinned as he approached them.

"Nobody asked you, Tevinter," Cassandra pointed at him, narrowing her eyes.

"That one is her favorite," Dorian jutted his chin towards the book in her hands.

"It's literature," Cassandra defended.

"Smutty literature," Dorian repeated, chuckling.

Lara's eyes widened at that now catching on his meaning.

"I couldn't finish the last one you lent me. I actually feel dumber for having tried," Dorian shook his head.

"You read romance books?" Lara asked in disbelief.

"My dear, where do you think I get the knowledge from besides experience?" Dorian winked at her.

"Ugh," Cassandra rolled her eyes. "They're terrible. And magnificent," She emphasized with a sigh.

"I'll give it a try," Lara nodded, holding the book close to her.

"Better not keep your dashing Commander waiting. Do update me if you try anything from that book," Dorian teased.

Now it was Lara's turn to roll her eyes, shaking her head as she departed. She'd never admit it, but the book would be a welcome distraction during the lonely stretches of the trip — anything to chase away the silence. Or to avoid opening up to Cullen, to keep him from glimpsing the darkness she carried. Maybe, just maybe, it was exactly what she needed.

—-

The now familiar scenery of Ferelden greeted her as she watched it roll past her. She remained silent, yet Cullen's hand stayed holding hers, his thumb stroking her gently as if to comfort her from the torment in her mind. She didn't dare let sleep win in case a nightmare was around the corner, waiting for her to slip. Words abandoned her as she sank back into that hollow emptiness, lost in a void she didn't know how to escape. That brief hope of light soon faded into darkness, consuming it. But it had shone through once, perhaps it would shine again.

Cullen had secured a secluded cottage owned by Alistair—a refuge of privacy and safety. Here, she was not the Inquisitor and he was not the Commander. Just Lara and Cullen. Alistair ensured the cottage would be stocked with all the necessities plus some extras. She wasn't sure what Cullen had told Alistair, but she knew he preferred to keep things private and wouldn't have revealed too much. It eased her.

The cottage was tucked away, brimming with open space and surrounding greenery. Sunlight wouldn't be a problem much to Lara's relief. The cottage itself was a charming and rustic one. The wood was slightly weathered, yet cared for. Not a single damage noticeable to it. The pitched roof added to the rustic feel with a dragon-like wood carving at the edge giving it a medieval touch. Bull would have appreciated that small detail. Two lanterns sat on opposite sides of the entrance which would add a warm glow come nighttime.

"Would you like to go inside?" Cullen approached her, sending her out of her thoughts.

"I want…to lay in the grass for a bit," Lara admitted.

She braced herself for the judgement, for the laughter. None of it came.

"Of course. I will unpack our belongings. Let me know if you need anything," He gently stroked her cheek and entered the cottage after the two Inquisition soldiers.

The soldiers were there to ensure safety but would stay in the semi-detached part of the cottage reserved for extra guests. Lara hadn't protested. There was nowhere she could run to escape her title. It hung there like a heavy weight. There would always be threats against her life, people that wanted her dead. Even when the Inquisition was no longer needed, that title, that power she wielded, it would always follow her.

Sighing, she made her way through the grass finding a slight opening. She double checked to make sure she was still in eyesight of the cottage and laid down, clutching the book to her chest. The sun's warm rays washed over her, bathing her in warmth, in light. Recharging her body, her energy. Grounded. Surface. Closing her eyes, she focused on her breathing just as Blackwall had taught her down in those depths. She counted and counted, focused and focused. Anything to make that silence go away.

—-

"Lara. Time to wake up, my love."

A familiar masculine voice purred in her ear, causing her heart to flutter. Gentle caresses on her skin drifted her from her sleep as she took in the hovering figure. Cullen. His scent. Maker, she hadn't realized how much she missed it. What comfort it brought her. Stretching her limbs, she took in her surroundings. The warmth of the sun had subsided into a slight chill as the evening approached.

"What time is it?" She croaked.

"Time for dinner. You were sleeping so peacefully. I didn't want to wake you," Cullen answered, admiring her.

No nightmares?

She sat up, assessing, trying to remember anything from her dreams. Nothing. It was the first time she didn't have a nightmare or some strange, twisted dream that woke her up in fear and panic. It was the first proper sleep she had in weeks. Since that descent. She shuddered.

"Let's get you inside. I'm going to carry you," He announced, waiting for any protest.

When none came, Lara felt his arms encircle her, hoisting her up from the ground. How long had it been since he held her like this? Too long—and it was her fault. Even with him in her quarters, she had kept her distance. But now, she didn't resist. She melted into him, burying her face against his chest and neck. In response, he pressed a gentle kiss to her hair.

Dinner was another quiet moment between them. Cullen had been preparing dinner while she slept. The notion warmed her. Much to Cullen's relief, she managed a few more bites than normal. She avoided looking at her appearance at all costs and Cullen never commented on it. But she knew it destroyed him seeing her like this. It was destroying her, too. Her body wasn't functioning the same; her bones ached, sleeping was so uncomfortable, her skin was dull and lifeless, and a few more strands of hair fell each time she attempted to fix her hair.

Cullen prepared her a bath and insisted on washing her hair at the very least. If he noticed extra strands of hair, he didn't say. An intense tug pulled at her heart. At his kindness. At his care. She didn't know what she did to deserve him. He was there for her, strong and protecting, yet he still allowed her space. He gave her privacy to dry herself and prepare for bed. Looking around, she noticed Cullen's stuff wasn't here and suddenly loneliness crept up on her, choking her. Like another piece of her suddenly went missing.

"Cullen?" She called out, hoping he would hear.

"I'm right here," Cullen walked through the door, already washed and changed into his nightwear.

"Your stuff isn't," She pointed out, wrapping her arms around herself.

"I thought you still wanted to sleep separately," Cullen admitted, hand reaching the back of his neck.

Lara simply shook her head.

"Ask me. I need to hear you say it," His eyes brimmed with hope.

"Please sleep with me. I can't…not alone," She choked out.

In an instant, his arms were around her, carrying her towards the bed. He tucked them in, keeping his arm around her the whole time. She savored his warmth, his scent. Him. All of him.

"I'm here, my love. I'm always here," He whispered, pressing a kiss to her temple.

—-

The past few days had been bliss. No responsibilities, no one wanting anything from her. Her time was hers to do with as she wished. Alistair truly had provided above the necessities; local Ferelden cheeses and meats, fresh fruit, various wines, herbs and spices, and various local goods for snacking including butter biscuits. The fruit was crisp and delicious so she kept to those as snacks. It went down the easiest, no hint of taint which meant it would stay down. The romance book was a wonderful distraction, much to Lara's annoyance. The plot was about a noble woman forced to marry a Duke of higher status than her family which would be best for the kingdom, but she fell in love with another of lower rank than her. A forbidden romance.

It was an insight into what her life could have been like if she hadn't been a mage. If she hadn't been kept away as a secret by her family. Secretly, she was grateful for the outcome even if it meant she had been thrown into the horrors of life after living such a sheltered one. A life that she took for granted. Now she was burdened with traumas she didn't know how to face. How to overcome it. The words of the story swept her away into another world. One where the smutty literature Dorian had deemed it as now came to fruition. As he tied her up, as he showed her what she was missing out on…she hadn't realized her cheeks were flushed, a slight dampness between her legs causing her thighs to squeeze together, honey orbs that took her in…

"Good book?" Cullen asked with a smirk.

Suddenly, she was yanked out of that world and back into Ferelden. She snapped the book shut letting out a gasp as she sat upright, whirling around to face him. Now, she was painfully aware of the heat in her cheeks and the response in her body.

"It's alright," Lara cleared her throat.

Cullen stood before her shirtless, beads of sweat glistening on his body from his brief run. His blond unruly curls wild with the wind brushing through it, a few strands sticking to his forehead. How badly she yearned to brush her fingers across, sweeping those curls to the side, taking him in. Maybe it was the arousal from the smutty literature but it was the first time in weeks her body had this response. This desire for him. Somehow it gave her hope.

"Just alright? Your body says otherwise," Cullen's smirk grew.

"It's literature," Lara blurted out.

"Mhmm," Cullen chuckled.

That heat spread throughout her entire body as his gaze lingered on her, drinking her in. He could see right through her bullshit but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Yet she couldn't look away. Her body had come alive under his gaze, as if his gaze slowly broke through that shell she hid herself in. He sauntered over to her, crouching down to eye level, his fingers cupping her chin. His scent engulfed her and she couldn't help but inhale it, letting it fill her. Letting it heal her. Gently, he pressed a kiss to her lips and her heart beated alive again.

"I'll get washed up and prepare us dinner," He whispered before departing.

A chill ran down her spine as the warmth soon disappeared and she felt that aching hollowness again.

—-

It was a small miracle that she had wanted him to sleep in the same bed as her. Another small miracle that she was eating a few more bites than usual and managed to keep it down. Not enough to replace what she lost, but enough to stop her from losing more. Rylen wasn't exaggerating about the trauma. That hollowness she carried, that blank stare, the lack of emotions. He knew it all too well and it killed him. Killed him knowing he played a part. Thank the Maker, this trip was slowly aiding her. It had added a dash of color to her that he thought he'd never see again. Time. He was giving her time. When she was ready, she would open up. Speak of what happened.

Cullen ran a hand through his hair as he sat in the kitchen in the wee hours of the morning. His dreams had twisted into weird events that left him sweaty and his heart pounding. No nightmares thankfully but he found himself unable to fall asleep again. The water quenched his thirst as he pondered what else he could do to help her. How he could get her to speak about the events. He had no one to open up to about his trauma, about what had happened in Kinloch Hold. The only support he was given was being thrown into the chaos of Kirkwall and Meredith's control.

With a sigh, he downed the rest of his water and decided it was time to at least attempt some sleep. Until a shrill scream caused him to nearly crawl out of his skin.

"CULLEN!"

This must've been the screams Rylen had yelled at him about. The screams that had haunted him and the rest of the soldiers. He scrambled as fast as he could to her bedroom and the sight before him twisted his heart.

"STOP!"

He winced at her screams, at her sobs, as her body writhed in the sheets. In an instant, he was at her side, his hand in hers. It was as frozen as ice and internally he cursed. Whatever she was seeing, it caused the blood to drain from her body.

"Lara, listen to me. I'm right here my love," He spoke in as soothing a tone as he could muster.

More sobs. More cries.

"Come back to me," He pleaded, giving her hand a slight squeeze.

With a jolt and one more scream, she sat upright heaving. He crossed over the bed, helping her lean over. She heaved and gagged but thankfully nothing came out. He muttered a silent prayer for another small miracle as he rubbed circles on her back to soothe her. Her breaths were still harsh, her body trembling under his touch.

"I'm right here. It was just a dream. It's not real," Cullen reminded her.

With a sigh, she shakily laid herself back down again. Whatever she was dreaming, he was in it. He had done something. Or was he in danger? Or worse…had he harmed her? He shuddered at the thought, trying to push it away.

"Talk to me," Cullen spoke.

"Just a bad dream," She muttered, repeating his words.

"Maker, tell me I didn't do anything to you," He pleaded.

That had her sitting upright again, her skin paled at his words. An eerie silence held them for a few beats. It did nothing to ease the tension in him.

"Why would you say that?" She whispered, but he didn't miss the crack in her voice.

"You were screaming my name. Telling me to stop," Cullen answered slowly.

Tears welled in her eyes as her bottom lip trembled. His fists clenched at the thought of him hurting her, of causing her this pain. Hadn't he done enough damage? He didn't need a version of himself in her dreams harming her too.

"Lara, please…"

"Did that desire demon take the form of Solona when you were tortured?" She finally asked.

Shock seized him, he was sure it showed in his eyes. In his expression. Her question stole the air from his lungs, tilted his whole mind off course. Desperation was all he could read from her expression. Desperate to know if her nightmares were true or made up. The truth. He vowed after all this that he would give her the truth.

"Yes," He managed to say.

"I couldn't stop you…I looked for you, tried to save you…and when I did, she was there," A sob left her. "She was leading you towards that cell…I couldn't move…yelled at you to stop," More sobs.

A lump grew in his throat at her words, at her confession. His heart had shattered, the jagged pieces dropping into his stomach, slicing him. But he didn't dare stop her. Not when she was finally letting him in.

"She locked you both in…and you were…na-naked…she was on top. Pouring lyrium…d-down your throat. All I c-could do…was watch…you chose…her…you let her…" She trailed off as she sobbed.

Something in him snapped and he couldn't take it anymore. He held her against his chest, his arms wrapped around her tightly, as if she was the only thing that kept him tethered to the earth. Tears of his own ran down his cheeks. How much she carried on her shoulders now to only carry his burdens as well.

"Listen to me. She was only an ill-infatuation. Nothing else beyond that, I swear. I will always choose you. It is you who I fell in love with, Lara. Not her. You keep me grounded, you're my only constant," He confessed.

She only sobbed in his arms but he kept his grasp on her firm. Would hold her there until the sun rose if he had to. As if that action alone would make her realize how deep his heart bled for her. How much he loved her.

"I was so angry at you…you left me…but you were unconscious," Lara whispered.

Those words held so much weight, each one piercing through his skin, piercing through his heart. He had left her down there, unconscious or not. The truth. She needed the truth. By the Maker he would give it. Time and patience had granted him this insight. Her letting him in was a rare gift he would cherish and one he wouldn't take for granted. Wrapping the blanket around them, he laid their bodies on the bed, his arms never leaving her.

"Words can't explain how sorry I am. For all of it. I will tell you what I know. What I remember anyways," Cullen replied.

And that's exactly what he did, holding nothing back from her.

—-

Nothing could have prepared him for what Lara had let him into. For what sort of nightmares tortured her at night but also in her waking state. Day and night she was plagued by them. He now understood why Solas was cross with her for not releasing her emotions, for not releasing her magic. The more she kept it pent up, the more she crawled into that shell as her safe haven, the higher the risk of her being uncontained. It was not a risk Cullen ever wanted to take with her. The Deep Roads had traumatized her, destroyed her until there were only sharp fragments left behind. Only she was too weak and terrified to pick up those pieces.

The version of him that appeared in her nightmares seemed to play on all of her insecurities. All of her fears. She was feeding a nightmare demon and Cullen had no idea how to feel about that, but it downright terrified him. He was grateful that Solas was at least working with her to conquer it in the Fade. That's why he encouraged Lara to practice some magic this morning with the soldiers keeping watch over her. Thankfully, she didn't protest. He nursed an elfroot tea as he watched her further back, still not wanting to tempt what abilities he may still have.

The flow of her magic, the precision of it…he couldn't help but admire it no matter if a small part of it made something under his skin twitch. It would be something he needed to get used to in time if they were to build a life together. It was entrancing watching her magic flow around them, that hum a comforting lull. A different kind of song. One that his heart beated to. He had never realized how she practiced her magic but when she was in her element…it was something else.

When she had used up most of her energy, she slowly made her way over to him, those emeralds locked on him the entire time. He felt his body come alive but he shifted to stop it in its tracks. It would do him no good. His hand could take care of himself tonight when she wasn't around to get the edge off as he had been doing. She was in no state for such activities and he couldn't even let himself go there knowing how much she was suffering.

"I don't think I've ever seen you practice your magic like this. You studied a lot it seems," Cullen complimented her when she was in earshot.

"I did. I wanted to be the best mage there was in the Circle," Lara answered.

"Why?" Cullen arched an eyebrow.

"So my parents knew just how much of a mage their daughter was. If they knew, then their connections would know, too," Lara smirked at that.

Cullen let out a laugh. That was his girl. However, the thought of her doing that just so she couldn't be kept a secret anymore pained him. Why anyone wanted to keep someone like her a secret was beyond him but her theory made sense. They hid her because they were hiding something. Was she really not their child? Was she a Trevelyan or from another family entirely? He shook his head. It didn't matter what her surname was when she would be taking his soon enough. He swore he heard a small rumble from somewhere but Lara's voice immediately cut it off.

"Do we have…um…" Lara trailed off awkwardly.

"Do we have what? Tell me," Cullen took a step towards her.

She only shifted uncomfortably in front of him as if ashamed to ask for something. It escaped him what she was trying to ask but he wouldn't push her.

"Nothing. Nevermind," She shook her head.

"Sometimes I wish I possessed the ability to read your mind like Solas can," Cullen sighed.

"I don't," Lara blurted out.

He laughed. Of course she didn't. The one person she fought so hard to keep out. It tore at his jealousy. How Solas had that connection with her. How easily she had let Dorian in. How they shared their traumas together. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. Solas and Dorian were mages like her, it made their friendships easier. Safer. He had to remember templars and mages were pinned as enemies, with templars being taught to fear mages and vice versa. They had more obstacles to overcome.

"Bread," Lara sighed.

His eyebrow arched at her word, confused as to why she moved onto bread. Till it dawned on him. Her mana was depleted. She had used whatever little energy she had in her. Maker, she was actually hungry.

"Are you hungry?" Cullen asked, standing upright.

She winced at his question. For some reason, she didn't want to admit it. But he knew what that was like. The suffering pulled you in, made you want more of it. It became a comfort, a way to cope. Admitting to eating, admitting to laughing…it meant letting go of that coping mechanism.

"Nevermind. Stupid question," He waved his hand as if to erase his question from the air. "Plain or with butter? Or jam?"

"Plain," She muttered.

"I'll have some with you," He replied as he made his way to the cottage.

He prayed that eating with her would help her feel less ashamed.

—-

This trip had been exactly what Lara needed. Each passing day, she found herself picking up small fragments of what had shattered and healing them. The blonde Commander that lay beside her had been her main source of healing. He had given her all the time and patience without any complaints. Had let her open up to him and gave her the space to do so. There was no judgement from him, no criticisms, no dismissals. He had gone through her emotions with her, confessed regrets and nightmares of his own. Let her in as much as she had let him in. Had bared their souls to each other in the rawest way possible.

I want to bare my soul to you but I don't know how.

Those words echoed in her mind but with time, he had bared his soul to her. In her own way, she had given him time, too. Let him open up to her when he was ready, when it felt right to him. There was still a physical distance between them which killed Lara. Constantly she fought the urges to touch him, to kiss him. The pain he caused her always reared its ugly head as if to remind her what he had done. Even if she had forgiven him, there was still that pain that wouldn't go away. That abandonment. But keeping him physically at a distance only allowed that pain to flourish.

And this damn romance book, as good as it was, was not fucking helping.

Another smutty scene played out in the words before her causing her to shift under the covers. She couldn't fall asleep even if Cullen slept peacefully beside her. The book was not helping her fall asleep, only reminding her how deprived she was. How isolated she kept herself. It only awakened her desire for the man beside her. To have his warm, muscular skin on hers. To have him buried so deep inside her that they became connected as one.

"That really must be a good book," He muttered, his voice deep with sleep.

"Go back to sleep," Lara glared at him.

"I can't sleep if you keep squeezing your legs next to me," He remarked.

"Then go to your own bed," Lara went back to reading, dismissing him.

To her annoyance, he laughed at her.

"What is he doing to her?" He carried on.

Her heart skipped a beat at his question, her brain stopped processing the words in front of her even if she stared at them. She wouldn't admit his question was getting to her. Was tempting her.

"Talking to her," Was all she said.

Another laugh.

"I highly doubt that's why you're squeezing your legs," He replied.

A calloused finger trailed along her upper thigh causing her to gasp as her body squirmed under his touch. Maker, how she missed him. His touch. She needed it everywhere on her body. Her eyelids fluttered shut as she savored his touch. Relished in it, never wanting it to stop.

"I won't do anything unless you tell me," He carried on.

Damn him.

He could read her desire loud and clear. Knew her body too well for her to maneuver out of this. She'd be a liar if she said that scene where he tied her up didn't replay in her mind. That she didn't imagine Cullen tying her up and having his wicked way with her. Gently, she closed the book, placing it on her bedside table. His calloused finger still trailing up and down her thigh, each stroke moving closer and closer to the heat in between her legs. She wore nothing underneath his tunic and soon he would discover what awaited underneath.

"He ties her up…" She whispered, her breath quickening.

Cullen shifted closer to her, his hand now cupping her chin. She nearly whimpered at the loss of touch on her thigh.

"Would you like me to tie you up?" He asked, his eyes heavy with desire.

Maker…

She nodded eagerly, arching her body towards him. She ached for him, needed him to take her here and now but she knew he was going to take his time with her, bring her to that exquisite edge again and again till she couldn't take it.

"No blindfold though," She added quickly.

A light was starting to shine through the cracks of darkness inside her. This trip was slowly healing something inside her. She wanted it to stay that way and to keep that darkness away from Cullen, from their intimacy. He nodded, flipping the blankets off him as he walked over to his belongings, rummaging for items he could use. The torture of each passing second caused her to squirm, to chase some kind of friction to ease that desire building in her body. Thankfully, he returned with two very worn tunics of his and a tie from one of the robes Alistair provided.

Molten honey eyes locked on her as he cupped the back of her ankles and pulled her towards the end of the bed. A gasp left her at the motion but his eyes darkened as his tunic she wore rode up, revealing her bare and glistening. His grasp on her ankle tightened as if trying to steady himself.

"A mess for me already," His voice was husky as he made quick work of rolling up his tunic and using it as a tie around her ankle and the bedpost.

It wasn't too tight but enough to restrict her movement. The feeling suddenly sent a jolt of electricity throughout her body. Her other ankle was now being tied and she was completely at his mercy. It excited her, heightened her senses. She circled her hips restlessly, not able to get the friction she needed. This was another level of pleasure and suddenly she felt like she was in over her head.

"Cullen," She pleaded.

The soft fabric of his tunic slid across her skin and over her head, leaving her fully naked before him. Her breasts were heavy, aching under his gaze. Vulnerable yet she felt safe with him. The tie of the robe came into view and as he leaned over her, tying her wrists together, his bare chest rested in front of her. That warmth, those muscles, so close…

Her tongue darted out before she could stop it, tasting him. He tensed but didn't stop her even when he let out a pained groan. That warmth soon left as he stood at the edge of the bed, his rough hands massaging her ankles.

"Do you want to know what else he does?" She asked nervously.

"No. I can take it from here," He smirked.

Maker, he was already torturing her without even touching her.

His head dipped as he began a trail of soft kisses on her inner thighs, nipping the sensitive skin with his teeth and then swirling his tongue in slow tortuous circles over the indents. Her moans echoed around them as he teased her. She surrendered to it all…his touches, his lips, his warmth, his closeness. Let her body become his under his expertise. How deprived she had been of him, how much she needed him. Those moans didn't even tempt him to quicken his pace, to find his destination. It seemed he was intent on torturing her and these restraints had heightened her senses in a way she never knew possible, making her focus on every slow, burning touch from his fingers, his lips, his tongue.

"Please…please…" She begged as her body arched and writhed in the sheets.

"What do you want, Lara?" He replied.

"Touch me," She lifted her hips as if to point to where she needed him.

"As you wish, my love."

A finger trailed up her seam, spreading her wetness across her sex. That finger traced her outline, her lips, her bundle of nerves…placing a slight pressure on it causing her to gasp. She dared a look at him and what she found was too much to witness. His hooded eyes locked between her legs, watching her move underneath his touch, watching her muscles contract with each touch, with each wave of pleasure. She squeezed her eyes shut as the tip of his finger entered her, swirling it's way around her entrance, caressing her inner walls with torturous glides. He repeated and repeated his motions…driving her wild.

"Maker damnit, Cullen!" She yelled as she threw her head back, hitting her tied hands against the mattress.

"You weren't very specific," He remarked, smirking.

"Fuck you," She hissed, narrowing her eyes at him.

"There's my Lara," He chuckled.

Before she could respond, his hands wrapped around her hips, dragging her down the sheets causing her legs to spread wider. Now, she had even less control of them. His fingers continued his tantalizing traces against her sex as he watched her move in fascination. The anticipation alone was driving her wild, edging her to a ledge she had never been on before.

"Maker, how beautiful you are. I've been deprived of you for too long. It's only fair I take my time," His eyes still remained fixed at how she moved under his touch.

All she could do was moan as she squeezed her eyes shut. Surely, this was death.

"Don't you think that's fair?" He now stared at her through hooded eyes, waiting for her to challenge him.

"Yesyesyes," She chanted breathlessly. Anything to get him to put his mouth on her.

"Tell me what you want," He repeated.

"Your mouth on me. Now!" She couldn't help but moan.

Out of desperation. Out of need. She wasn't sure. Her senses were overloaded and she couldn't think straight anymore. Part of her did wonder if he was doing this to get her out of her head, even if just for a moment. Even if just to drive her wild.

"So demanding," He chuckled.

And then his lips were on her, his stubble heightening her senses further as he trailed along her folds. It was always new with him. Different with him. She never knew what to expect but all she knew was that she wanted a lifetime of this. A lifetime with him. The Maker finally answered her prayers as his tongue entered her and she let out a scream as she nearly convulsed. As the most overwhelming wave of pleasure she ever experienced took hold of her body. Maybe it was the anticipation, maybe it was him entering her, maybe it was all the edging, maybe it was just him. She had no idea. All she knew was that she was no longer in control of her body as her vision blackened.

His tongue slowly tasted every inch of her, causing her walls to clench. Each glide along her folds, slow and tantalizing. Each spear of his tongue a delicious torture. He was indeed taking his time with her as if savoring this moment. Savoring her sounds. Savoring the taste of her as her core dripped. His lips wrapped around her clit as he gently nipped and sucked. Another scream as she bucked her hips wildly against his face. That earned her a dark chuckle. One that sent a jolt of pleasure through her.

That pressure behind her hips was overwhelming as he dragged out her orgasm. It was right there, building and building, but he was preventing it from exploding. Her magic was flaring at her fingertips at the pent up sensations, threatening to burst out of her. Now she understood why and how Dorian had set those curtains on fire. She clenched her hands into fists to stop it from releasing. A cry escaped her as he added a finger. Then another. Her orgasm nearly faded at the change.

"Fuck…no…" She picked her head up taking him in. The sight nearly took her breath away.

Cullen was naked before her, one hand working her, the other fisting his own cock. She had barely registered when he took off the rest of his clothes. A shiny sheen covered his tip, evidence of his desire for her. He was edging himself too. She licked her lips at the sight, aching to taste him.

"Lara," His voice husky. A warning. As if his control might snap. Oh, how she wanted it to.

"Please…I need you," She begged, not caring how desperate she sounded.

And then his fingers exited her, leaving her core throbbing. Leaving her dangling on that ledge she was so close to jumping off from. A frustrated cry left her as her body clenched. She couldn't take much more of it.

"You have me," He replied.

"Your cock," She begged again.

"Would you settle for my cum?" He asked, cocking his head to the side.

The sight before her was mesmerizing. His muscle tone was slowly returning back to what it was, his blond unruly curls shaping his face. His hand fisting himself as he watched her. Devoured her. She didn't have it in her to argue why he wouldn't take her. Before she could answer, he leaned over her untying her wrists, massaging them gently.

"Show me how you come for me," He demanded.

His voice was in control. In command. And all she could do was submit to him. Her fingers found her entrance as she plunged them in, mimicking his movements. Pretending it was him. Her movements matched his, her fingers entering in and out as his hand moved up and down his thick length. It was intoxicating, so intimate, it caused goosebumps to cover her skin. Watching each other pleasure themselves to each other. Imagining each other when they were right there. The pure level of trust it took to have him watch her, have her so vulnerable. She knew it was the same pure level of trust for him, too, letting her watch him. Her other hand found her clit, still mimicking his movements. He was her guide on how to maneuver her body. How to pleasure herself.

"Lara, you haven't answered me," He gritted out.

Her thoughts were all wrapped around him, she barely registered his words. Imagining it was his rough fingers that worked her, that barreled her to that release she craved. His body close to hers, his warmth enveloping her, his words sending jolts across her body, through her core…

"Will you settle for my cum tonight?" He repeated as he propped himself above her with one arm.

She groaned at his words, her eyes fluttering shut. At the image of him coming for her. Opening her eyes, she licked her lips as he watched him. His movements were shaky…he was close. Her words would be his undoing and the power of that overwhelmed her.

"Yes, Commander," She answered breathily.

And indeed, those words were his undoing as he moaned her name. His cock jerked as the first rope landed on her clit, the second on her hand, the third across her core. It was the first she had seen him come, seen him so undone. For her.

"Maker…Lara…" He panted, trying to steady himself.

The sight of her working his cum inside her with her fingers mixed with the image of him claiming her, her orgasm exploded all throughout her body causing her to shatter into tiny pieces as she chanted his name.

"CullenCullenCullen," His name was a prayer on his lips as she surrendered to her release.

Her limbs finally went slack as the waves of her orgasm subsided. The material slid from one ankle, then the other, and his hands gently massaged the feeling back into her ankles.

"My precious girl," He murmured as he scooped her up in his arms.

—-

Cullen had prepared an extra hot bath, overflowing with bubbles. She hummed as the heat cocooned her, melting every tension from her body. He watched in admiration as she soaked up the pleasure of the bath. Heat rose to her cheeks at that gaze. She felt undeserving of it.

"You said you struggled to come after what happened. I didn't think you struggled tonight," Lara commented, remembering that detail he shared.

His body had betrayed him in that cell. As the desire demon played on every fantasy he had in his mind. Used it to break him. He had come and then vomited. He had hated himself for being so weak, hated his body for humiliating him. That confession had shocked her, had caused her heart to shatter. He was only nineteen. Not even a man yet and he was so broken he had begged for death.

"I also told you there were two other women before you. Multiple times," He replied.

"An exchange…." She repeated. "You were practicing?" Her eyes widened.

"Yes. I couldn't even masterbate without my mind getting thrown back there. As soon as I felt I was going to…I panicked. Almost vomited. I thought having sex…coming for someone else would help," Cullen shifted uncomfortably.

"Did it?" Lara asked quietly.

"Not at first. Thankfully, the first didn't care much. She had just wanted to sleep with a Templar no matter how broken they were," He rolled his eyes.

"Were they mages?"

"No. You are the only mage I've taken to bed. And you will be the last. I want forever with you, Lara," His gaze held her, his voice so sure.

Maker, how she wanted forever with him too. But she wouldn't promise him that. Not when her own fate was so unknown.

"How long did it take? To overcome it?" She asked instead.

"Longer than I care to admit. Years. When I was able to come from my own hand without being sent back there, then I didn't need the sex anymore," He replied with a sigh.

"Does it ever go away? Trauma?" She rested her forehead on her knees as she wrapped her arms around herself.

"It does. Well, trauma won't ever leave you but it can get smaller each day. My withdrawals lead me back to Kinloch Hold because it was the first time I was ever deprived of lyrium," Cullen admitted, his jaw clenching.

Her head shot up at that. Maker, how had she never connected that? That moment in his office, when he was experiencing flashbacks, when he had yelled at her to get out…he was reliving his torture in that cell. He had experienced those withdrawals knowing how torturous it was and still quit lyrium.

"How?" She whispered.

"I fight. I remember what I have to fight for each day. I don't always win but I don't stop trying. Despite everything, I still have faith. That coin Branson gave me was my one constant in life. It got me through those moments, through the nightmares, the withdrawals. Then you exploded into my life…quite literally," He chuckled.

The Temple of Sacred Ashes. That explosion. Where her body was found.

"You're now my constant in life," He reached over, tucking a wet strand that clung to her cheek behind her ear.

Tears pricked her eyes at his words. She closed the distance between them as she curled into his lap resting her head against his chest, the bath water lapping around them. His warmth surrounded her as he wrapped his arms around her, keeping her close. The steady beat of his heart calmed her, grounded her.

"What if when we go back to Skyhold, it's there waiting for me? What if it consumes me again?" She asked shakily.

He knew her meaning. The darkness, her nightmares, her fears. She didn't want to go back to that knowing she wouldn't be able to handle it a second time. It would destroy her and she would let it.

"Don't allow it to. Fight it. Do everything it hates. It wants you alone till you're left with nothing but it. You have people who love you. Keep them by your side. Work, train, play…do anything that casts it aside," Cullen replied as he stroked her hair.

"Can you still stay with me in my quarters?" She asked hoping he would say yes.

After that nightmare in Cullen's office, she wasn't ready to be in that space again.

"You know whatever you request of me, I will do," He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

A yawn broke free as her body finally wished to succumb to sleep. What fucking time was it anyways? She turned her body to peer at the window. Slivers of light gently peeked through the clouds. Cullen followed her eyesight, chuckling.

"At least we can sleep in late," He answered.

A small blessing of being on a holiday. No rules, no work, no deadlines. Their time was theirs to do as they pleased even if it was short lived. Cullen exited the tub and before she could follow suit, he picked her up and began to gently pat her dry. All she could do was watch him, admire him. Savor this moment before they were thrown back into the chaos of their roles that would take this time away from them. While she used her magic to dry her hair, Cullen changed the sheets.

A blush crept on her face as he tucked them into bed. The very same bed he had his wicked way with her on.

"You're my constant in life, too," She murmured before sleep overtook her.

But not before she could've sworn she heard him say…

"And one day I'll make you my wife."