Erin opened the door slowly and stepped out of the restroom. The soft music, the talking and clinking mugs hit her like a wave. She looked across the room, looking for Jay, who was still sitting at the table, visibly tense with his hands fidgeting.
She walked back toward him, with her heart racing, but forcing her mind to stay calm. When she reached the table, she stopped for a moment before sliding back into her seat quietly.
Jay looked at her worried, but she noticed the relief when he exhaled and that made her chest tighten.
"Sorry… I just needed a minute", she finally said, taking a deep breath and forcing herself to meet his gaze, with a nervous smile tugging the corner of her lips.
Jay's eyes softened, and he nodded. "I get it," he said quietly.
They both sat there for a moment in silence, not really knowing how to pick up again.
Jay held his breath as he looked at her. Even under the faint lighting he could clearly see that her eyes were still red from the tears she had tried so hard to hold back. Seeing her try to hide from him how sad and vulnerable she was shattered his heart.
Erin opened her mouth to speak again but she just didn't know what to say. She rested her hands on the table looking down, ashamed. She hated herself for breaking down in front of him, for sounding so weak, so human.
"I'm sorry… I just…" Her voice cracked and she blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall all over again.
Jay reached across the table, shaking his head just slightly. He brushed his fingers gently against hers, afraid to push her away. "It's okay," he said quietly. "I'm just glad you came back. That's all that matters."
They sat there for a while just staring at each other. Trying to understand what they were really feeling: hope, sorrow, longing… and fear. Fear of what that moment really meant.
They could both feel the pull between them. Something old and familiar. Powerful but fragile at the same time. Like a spark just waiting to ignite again.
Erin's chest tightened as she met his gaze. She didn't know what she wanted from him, or what this was—what they meant to each other.
Jay's heart raced, his mind spun, because he knew there was something he should say. Something he needed to say. But the words wouldn't come. He could feel it—the tension, the unspoken questions, the what now?
"Is Hailey okay with all that?" She finally broke the silence, her voice low, though the anger and hurt were still hidden there. "You joining the army again? How long are you staying down there?"
Jay's eyes flickered, almost like he hadn't expected her to ever talk again. "Eight months… give or take… to start." His words hung in the air.
"Wow," she whispered, her heart sinking in her chest. She stared at him for a moment, trying to make sense of what he was telling her.
"And… I didn't really ask her," Jay continued, almost matter-of-factly, avoiding her gaze.
"How come?" Erin's voice broke through, raspy with disbelief.
"Like I said, Er…" His words faltered, but he pushed through. "We haven't been doing well… for so long… I… I just told her when I was already leaving…"
Erin's breath caught in her throat. She leaned back in her chair, running her hand through her hair, shaking her head with a humorless laugh. She could not believe what she had just heard! This again? She had never imagined, never even considered that he would do the same thing he had done before—that he would walk out without a second thought, without talking to the person who cared about him.
"Oh fuck, Jay!" She couldn't hold herself any longer, the anger and hurt flooding her chest. She leaned forward, locking her eyes onto his before continuing "For real!? So you just did it again?"
The words cut deep—deeper than she had expected. The last time, she had begged him not to leave. And now, he was doing it again, not with her—but with Hailey. Someone else who also loved him.
Jay flinched, his eyes shifting, but there was nothing he could say to undo what he had done. "It's not the same…" His voice was quiet, low, as if he could convince himself that this was somehow different, that the weight of his decisions this time didn't carry the same consequences as before.
Erin could see the sadness in his eyes, the confusion. Part of her wanted to just reach out and hold him, tell him everything would be ok. But it was as if she was just going back to that night when he left her. All the feelings of abandonment from that night were crushing her all over again.
"No, Jay," she whispered, her voice cracking as her hand pressed to her forehead, her breath shaky. "It's the same. It's the exact same."
Jay reached out slowly, but the hesitation in his movements was palpable. He was afraid to touch her and make things even worse. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Instead, he just sat there, lost.
"No… It's not the same…" His words came out again after a while, barely above a whisper, but with more conviction.
"Not the same?" she repeated, her voice edged with disbelief. "How come? I got home, you were packing… and then you left. You left, Jay! You didn't even talk to me! You just left! How is it not the same?"
Jay's face contorted with pain as her question hit him, and he opened his mouth, but the words were harder to form than he had imagined. How could he explain it? How could he make her understand when he didn't even fully understand himself?
"I had every intention to come back to you back then, Er…" His voice cracked slightly, and he swallowed hard, trying to push past the guilt that was clogging his throat. "I just needed some time to think. I…"
She shook her head, the disbelief in her eyes turning to a quiet, painful anger. "Time to think? Is that what you're calling it?" she said, her voice breaking. "You just walked away and you didn't even look back. I…" She stopped herself before saying too much. She didn't want to say something she could regret later. She had tried to make him stay, to make him trust her, but he left anyway.
Jay's eyes darkened, and he wanted to hold her and tell her that he had never wanted to hurt her. He could feel the weight of all his mistakes.
"And now?" she asked, seeing that he was struggling to continue but she was really hoping for some kind of clarity.
Jay closed his eyes before answering, "I… no… I'm not going back." His voice was quieter but firm, "I can't… I don't love her. I never really did."
Erin froze at his words. She hadn't expected that—hadn't expected him to admit something like that.. "You never loved her?" she repeated.
Jay looked up at her, his eyes heavy with regret and guilt. "No, Er… I didn't. I thought we could make it work, I thought it was what I needed to move on, but it wasn't real. Not like what we had. Not like…" He trailed off, realizing the enormity of what he was saying.
Erin shook her head, a bitter laugh escaping her lips, though it held no humor, only pain. "Why did you do it, then?" Why the hell did you get married, Jay?" her words came out sharper than she intended.
She just couldn't understand. How could he make the same mistake, choose the same path that had only led to pain for both of them? First Abby and then Hailey.
Jay's face hardened at the accusation, but the pain in his eyes was clear. "Because I'm stupid!" he blurted out in frustration, as if he were screaming at himself. "I made the same mistake again because I was just so lost, Erin… I didn't know what else to do. I was afraid of being alone," he confessed.
Erin's heart broke with the rawness of his words. She could see how lost he was, but it wasn't an excuse. He married Abby to run from his pain, he left her to run from his mistakes, he married Hailey to run from his loneliness… and now he was leaving her too. Just running again, and she knew he was hurting Hailey like he had hurt her.
She took a deep breath as her chest tightened. "And you want to join the army again because you're lost, too?" The words came out before she could stop them.
Jay froze at the question, his gaze flickering, unable to meet her eyes. He was broken, and in his mind, he had to fix it. He had to fix himself.
"It's different, Erin… I'm not doing this because I want to run from you or from her or from my life… I'm doing it because I don't know what else to do. I can't just keep pretending that I'm okay when I'm not. I need something to give me back… a sense of purpose. Something I can't find in Chicago anymore. I need to feel like I'm doing something that matters again."
Erin couldn't stop herself from shaking her head, the words spinning around in her mind like an endless cycle of confusion and hurt. She understood the need for purpose, the need to escape, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that he kept running away. Again and again.
She looked down at her watch, her eyes blurry with unshed tears. She had forgotten that unlike most places in NY, this café didn't stay open late. She didn't realize how much time had passed but it was closing its doors soon. The barista was already cleaning up and sweeping the floor. They were running out of time.
Seeing his conflicted expression was painful. And beside all the anger and pain that was resurfacing, she couldn't stop worrying about him.
"You really think running away is going to fix anything?" she asked, softer. "Because it hasn't fixed anything before. It just breaks more and more."
"I know… I know it hasn't, but I don't know what else to do. I'm drowning, Er. I just can't keep pretending I have it all figured out when I don't."
She didn't know what to say anymore but she just couldn't bear the thought of him slipping further away.
"Do you want to go to my place?" The words came out before she could stop herself and the tension thickened between them.
Jay froze, caught off guard by her sudden offer. His brow furrowed slightly, his eyes searching hers for something—clarity, assurance, anything to help him understand what she really meant. What she really wanted.
"Aren't you married as well?" he asked, his voice hesitant, careful.
Erin's breath hitched. She shook her head, caught completely off guard by his assumption. Her brows drew together, as she looked puzzled down at her own hand.
"What? Why the hell would you think I'm married?" she asked. She held out her left hand, showing him that there was no ring, as if it could somehow explain everything.
Jay's gaze flickered to her hand, then back up to her face. "Because I heard that tall guy calling you something else… Bell?"
Erin's shoulders stiffened at his assumption, the frustration taking over. "I'm an undercover agent, Jay," she said, shaking her head with irritation. "You know that. I shouldn't have to explain it to you."
Her tone came out sharper than she intended, and she regretted it the moment she said it. She didn't want to push him away, didn't want to create more distance between them. But damn! He knew about her job—so why was he acting like this was some kind of revelation?
Her irritation wasn't about the assumption itself, it was about the entire situation. How could he possibly think she was married after the breakdown she had? Hadn't he seen it? How could he be so clueless about what that meant?
He leaned closer, lowering his voice, taking in the seriousness and the irritation of her voice, but then his expression shifted, his lips curling into a subtle, provocative smile.
"Never heard of Feds using UC names among themselves," he murmured, his tone turning almost playful, as if he couldn't resist teasing her.
She felt like he was testing her patience. But that faint smile and those eyes lingering on her were enough to disarm her.
She shook her head, rolling her eyes. "Sometimes we do, Jay, sometimes we do," she said softly, her voice calming as she lowered her gaze, trying to keep her emotions in balance.
Jay shook his head, the corner of his mouth lifting into a sly smirk. "Geez, you don't even trust your own kind," he said with a light laugh, his voice laced with playful challenge.
"It's not like that," she replied quickly, her voice shaking slightly now. "I… of course, he knows my name. It's not about trust… it's just… damn, Jay… I really can't explain it all right now. Ok? Not here." It was just amazing how easily he could still stir all kinds of emotions in her at once.
She hesitated for a second before leaning a bit closer, her breath catching and her heart beating fast as the distance between them seemed to close.
Her voice dropped to a near whisper as she searched his face for understanding. "Can we… can we just go to my place? Please?" There was a desperation in her tone that surprised even her.
Jay's confusion deepened as he looked at her, his mind racing. Of course, he wanted to go to her place. He wanted to be close to her, to talk, to finally let the walls down and say everything he'd been holding back for years. But should he? Should he let himself get that close again? Was it a step too far? He didn't want to hurt her even more.
Erin noticed his hesitation, the doubt in his eyes, and it hurt more than she expected. He didn't get it. He didn't understand why she needed him to go with her. She wasn't trying to push him into something he couldn't handle. She just needed to know that he would be ok—she needed him to know that she cared.
"Jay," her voice softened, her hand gently reaching across the table, an unspoken plea for him to understand, to hear her. "I just want to keep talking. I don't think this conversation should end like this. I just want to make sure you'll be okay. I just want to talk, really. To… understand. I mean… I might not be married, but YOU are. And I can respect that. I promise."
He stared at her, more confused than ever. What part of him walking away with no intention to ever return did she not understand?
He wasn't lying when he told himself before leaving his hotel in the morning that he wasn't planning on cheating on Hailey, but the truth was more complicated than that. He didn't know what would happen if he crossed that line with her. He knew that in this fragile moment, anything could happen between them. One look from her—one shift in her gaze—and he knew he wouldn't be able to control himself.
He swallowed hard, feeling the weight of that unspoken truth crash over him. The promise he couldn't really make wasn't out of love for Hailey; it was out of respect for Erin. She deserved more than that. More than the mess he was. But if she pushed—if she asked, if she needed, if she just blinked—he knew he couldn't stop himself from stepping over that line.
Finally, his voice broke through the storm of his thoughts, rough and uncertain. "Sure… let's go…" The words felt like a surrender.
"I'm going to call a cab," Erin said, grabbing her phone.
Jay raised an eyebrow, leaning back with a teasing grin. "Huh? Forgot how to drive?"
She rolled her eyes but smirked. "I avoid driving as much as I can here…"
He tilted his head, mock-serious. "What have you done to my partner? The Erin Lindsay I knew was fearless behind the wheel."
"Have you seen the streets here?" she shot back, gesturing toward the chaos outside. "I bet you wouldn't be whining about riding shotgun in this city either!"
He chuckled, shaking his head. "When did I ever whine?"
Her smirk grew as she crossed her arms, tilting her head knowingly. "Every single day of my life as your partner, Halstead… Every… single… day."
Jay laughed, the sound warm and unguarded, and for a moment, the heaviness between them faded. "Guess you've got a point…"
"Yeah, I do," she said, putting her phone back into her pocket with a satisfied smile. "Now, come on."
Jay caught her eye and managed a small, uncertain smile. When he woke up and left his hotel room in the morning he didn't know if he would actually be able to find her, let alone talk to her. He had no idea of where the rest of the night would take them, but that was already much more than he had expected.