Bella isn't driving us to La Push. In fact, we're going the opposite direction with the only comment she's offered me is, "I want to see something." No explanation further.
She turns us off the main road down an overgrown lane. Trees arch over us like a green, living tunnel. On her steering wheel, I see that her hands are shaking - she notices I've noticed and tightens her grip.
I'm not sure what trek to memory lane Bella is taking me down but if I can help, I'll be happy even if I'm the quiet bystander. I glance out the window to see thick, jungle-like growth of the forest encroaching towards us. The drive winds on and on, in utter silence that gets so thick I could be swallowing butter.
Bella must be feeling it too because she picks up speed. Her eyes shoot back and forth in front of her; she's searching for something but what could be out here?
There is a break in the trees. Tall ferns crowd a house and the thick trunks of the cedars nearby. What should be a lawn is waist high green grass that sways in the wind. It's a nice but creepy-looking house with wide set windows. It looks soulless.
Bella hits the brakes and my body plunges into the seatbelt, I groan from the ache that forms across my chest. She looks away from the house briefly and I put two and two together. This must be her ex's house. Putting the truck in park, she jumps out and walks to the front of the truck, turning towards the face of the house. She continues onward but stops at the porch's stairs. She stands there for a solid minute and I watch her - her expression of apathy but with a little thoughtfulness. She turns towards the truck and in a hurry, rushes back to me and climbs into the truck.
I look her over, half expecting to feel a sense of dread and depression and though I feel it, it's not nearly as suffocating as the first day. She drives us down the main highway to La Push in silence. I contemplate whether or not I should be asking her what's on her mind, what did she get from going there? But Renee and Charlie both warned me about not talking about him.
When we arrive at Jacob's he's already waiting for us outside his house. Bella exhales loudly, making me wonder how long she's been holding it all in.
"Hey, guys," he calls.
"Hey," I reply, climbing out of the truck.
"Hey, Jacob," Bella says, smiling as she climbs out as well. We both wave at Billy when we notice he's glimpsing through the window.
"Let's get to work," Jacob says in a low but eager voice as he approaches us in front of the truck.
Bella giggles and nods. "You seriously aren't sick of us yet?"
I glance at her with a raised brow. We've only been here twice, I've visited boys way more and hardly seemed to get an annoyance from them. Boys like the attention of girls especially if they like that girl.
Jacob leads the way around the house to his garage, shrugging his broad shoulders. "Nope. Not yet."
"Please let me know when we start getting on your nerves. We don't want to be a pain."
"Okay," he laughs. "I wouldn't hold your breath for that, though."
I roll my eyes at the two but I sigh. I should be happy, she's getting the distraction she needs but I am finding it hard to feel happy. Even as we walk into the garage and see the red bike standing, I still don't feel relief or happiness.
"Jake, you're amazing," Bella says.
Jacob laughs. "I get obsessive when I have a project," he shrugs. "If I had any brains I'd drag it out a little bit."
"Why?" Bella asks.
It is obvious to me - it's obvious to many - Jacob has feelings for Bella.
He looks down, pausing for so long that I wonder if he's going to flat out admit his feelings. "Bella, if I told you that I couldn't fix these bikes, what would you say?"
She stares at him, her eyes wandering all over his body trying to pull answers out of thin air and when he finally glances up to look at her, she speaks. "I would say…that's too bad, but I'll bet we could figure out something else to do. If we got really desperate we could even do homework."
Jacob smiles and he relaxes. He sits down next to the bike and picks up a wrench. "So you think you'll still come over when I'm done, then?"
"Good, you don't think we're abusing your mechanical skills, our plans are going as we foretold," I roll my eyes at the two of them.
"Dani," Bella frowns.
"It's just a joke," I grumble, crossing my arms.
Jacob shakes his head with a small chuckle. "Don't worry, I understand the humor."
Bella shakes her head. "I guess I am taking advantage of your very underpriced mechanical skills. But as long as you let us come over, we'll be here."
"Hoping to see Quil again," he looks at me with a teasing grin.
"Oi, don't play that game."
He chuckles and turns his attention back to Bella. "So, you two really do like spending time with me?"
"Very, very much. And I'll prove it. I have to work tomorrow, but Wednesday we'll do something nonmechanical."
"Do you mind if I take the truck tomorrow, and maybe head to the beach?" I ask, having not known her schedule up until now.
"Yeah, you'll just need to drop me off and pick me up."
"That'd be no problem," I shrug.
"What would you two want to do?"
"I have no idea, Dani?" Bella asks.
"Don't ask me, I am just the tag along."
Bella frowns and shakes her head. "No you're not. You're my sister, same level as me. We're both going to learn to ride the motorbike and whatever else we do." She rolls her head back to Jacob to answer his question. "We can go to my place so you won't be tempted to be obsessive. You could bring your schoolwork - you have to be getting behind, because I know I am."
"Homework might be a good idea." He made a face.
"Yes," Bella agrees. "We'll have to start being responsible occasionally, or Billy and Charlie aren't going to be so easy going about this."
"Homework once a week?" He proposes.
"Maybe we'd better go with twice," Bella suggests.
Between Bella and I, homework is a pile. Bella has the advanced classes but I have the average. My homework isn't so terrible but I know that Bella gets a lot of homework each night.
He sighs heavily and then reaches over his toolbox to a paper grocery bag. He pulls out three cans of soda, cracking one open and handing one to each of us. He opens the third and holds it up ceremoniously.
"Here's to responsibility," he toasts. "Twice a week."
"And reckless every day in between," Bella notes.
He grins and touches our cans with his own.
While Bella chose to sit next to her friends on Tuesday, I kept to myself. A sluggishness takes over my limbs when I don't sing and dance under the moonlight every so often. The new moon is coming soon, which makes me feel extra weak and exhausted. I wonder how I survived when I was just a babe.
Angela and Mike accepted Bella back with open arms but the rest of her friends seem to be resistant to Bella's almost normal charm. Even though I would be up for the chatter, I keep away and eat alone by myself at a table in the corner of the cafeteria. With my ipod in my hoodie pocket, I leave just one bud in my ear so I can use the other to listen for anyone who might approach. The music brightens me enough to eat my food and throw away what I didn't finish. When school ends, I am eager to get Bella to her job at Newton's and drive off to La Push's beach just as the sun slowly slumbers under the horizon.
Pulling into a parking spot away from everyone else, I climb out of the truck and lock it. I glance around at the bonfires that dot the beach before heading off to where I was last time I came here. I consider the thought that this could be more than just my lack of dancing and singing. This could have something to do with Bella and Jacob's budding relationship. Sluggish, exhausted, and with a ting of depression has me turning on 'It doesn't matter,' by Alison Krauss.
It's a slower song, so I find myself wrapping my arms around my chest and swaying mostly on my feet back and forth as I sing. Being too lazy to take off my boots, all I feel is the chilly breeze and the dampness of the air from an oncoming storm. The moon barely shines down on me through the canopies but its light fills me with a strength that has been drained from me. Between Bella's depressive, zombie-like state to her reconnecting with Jacob and me feeling like the odd one out has me more fatigue than I thought was possible. It is strange for me to feel this way.
Normally I am the one who has all the attention, the one who has to shoo the boys away, and the one with the energy to stand with my head straight but being here makes me feel less than. I close my eyes and let out a long exhale of air while the song does its musical chorus.
Often I ask myself why I am like this - why do I crave the moonlight so much? Why do I feel drained when I don't have it? Were my real parents like this? Did they dance under the moonlight and sing songs to the stars to gain energy and life back into their bodies? It's not very human-like, is it?
My adoptive parents have never told me the story on how they adopted me or why. They kept it to themselves but I also never asked because I feel like if I do know, I won't feel nearly as part of the family as I do now.
When the song comes to an end, all that fills my ears is the sound of nightlife. Bugs buzzing in the trees, a slight breeze rustles the leaves above, and the crashing of the waves on the beach.
"That's a much sadder song," I hear Jacob say.
I open my eyes and pause the music from continuing. I look over my shoulder at him and see that he's standing where he was standing the first time he caught me dancing.
"Are you going to sneak up on me every time I am out here?" I ask, a slight smile lifting the corner of my lips.
"Are you going to dance in the same spot every time I walk the beach?" He grins.
"Aren't you supposed to be working on a motorcycle?" I continue, slowly turning to him.
"Needed a break," he walks up to me, pulling his hands out of his jean pockets as he reaches for mine. "Besides, you're the one who let me know where you were."
My brows knit together as his gesture, unsure how to respond, but the closer he gets the more relaxed I feel in his presence.
Hesitantly, I reach for his hands and he gently guides my left hand to his waist while his right rests on mine, and our other hands, conjoined. They lift near our heads as he gently sways us back and forth close together. A warmth rolls off his body and takes over mine, keeping me safe from the cold. His grin softens to a small smile as he gazes into my eyes and I can't help but look back into his.
It's not the kind of magic where the music plays in the background for us, but the kind of magic where my heart flutters as we dance to the sound of bugs, the breeze, and the crashing of the waves. It is an odd feeling, being this attuned to his touch on my waist and hand. After a moment of silence of us swaying back and forth, I realize what I am allowing. I look away and glance off to the side.
"I thought you liked my sister," I say.
"I do," he admits. "But there is something about you. You're different from anyone else I have ever known."
Here is where he tells me I am the most beautiful thing he has seen, like all the other guys who've come into my life.
"Different?" I ask, looking back at him with a challenge in my eyes.
He brings his hand that rested on my waist and gently swipes his thumb under my left eye. "I've never seen someone whose eyes are the shade of yours. An emerald green. I've never met someone who dances and sings to the moon and stars, someone who has so much confidence I rarely see in people."
My breathing stops and I find myself staring deep into his chocolate brown eyes, searching for the truth I know is in there somewhere but I quickly frown. This still isn't right.
"What if Bella falls in love with you back?" I ask. The very words have me pull away from him and return my arms to wrap around my chest. He stands there, staring at me with a frown.
"As much as I'd like for her to reciprocate my emotions, I doubt that will actually happen," he sighs. He slides his hands down his face before dropping them to his sides. "But you're right. I don't know what came over me."
"I guess it's okay. You're a guy, it's too be expected," I say playfully.
"Used to guys trying to dance with you?"
"Not particularly, but I am used to them flirting and trying other things - they don't get far."
His eyes narrow as he takes in this information and his hands ball into fists at his sides. Not wanting to get any further into my old relationships, I shrug and put away my ipod.
"Sorry, I have to go pick up Bella from work but thank you for the dance."
I pass him slowly, my eyes on his fists. I've never seen someone get upset so quickly over someone they hardly know but as I come to his side, I gently pat his shoulder and smile up at him. He faintly smiles in return and I head off back down the beach.
I wait next to Newton's Olympic Outfitters as it starts to rain. The truck is running so the windshield wipers swish back and forth, reminding me of Jacob's and my slow dance to the nightly music and I find myself frowning again. I can't do this to Bella when she has finally found someone who's pulled her out of her rut. But I can't deny how I feel when I am around Jacob. Like I am in my own skin.
Bella pulls open the passenger door and I see Mike behind her. He waves to me and I lift my hand back in response. She closes the door the moment she sits down and then buckles up.
I drive off.
"Mike asked me on a date…"
"Oh?" I glance over to her to read her expression and find that she looks a little bothered by it. "I am sorry?"
"I don't want to date anyone, but he wants us to go to a movie as friends. Come with us, please."
"Sure, I'll come, but I don't have much money."
"I'll pay." She says with a relieved sigh.
"Okay, it's a date." I giggle.
She rolls her eyes at me but she has a soft smile on her face.
The next night, the three of us are in the living room working on our piles of homework on the floor. I laid out pillows from the couch for us to relax on as we worked and we remain like this until Charlie comes in. He doesn't seem surprised to see us all on the floor working on homework so Billy must have informed him about our plans.
"Hey, kids," he says, his eyes straying to the kitchen. The smell of lasagna has apparently caught his attention. It doesn't surprise me. Before Bella moved in here, he probably mostly ate out or ordered in. Bella spent most of the afternoon prepping the lasagna while Jacob and I watched.
I got done with my homework first since I only had a days worth of homework to do. I wasn't sure how much catching up Bella or Jacob had. I try to ignore the budding feelings that grow inside of me for Jacob. He doesn't make it hard, since he hasn't been acting weird in front of me since our last night ordeal. He seems more preoccupied with Bella. Having sampled the lasagna while she cooked and paying more attention to her than me.
He stayed for dinner and took a plate home for Billy.
Thursday I stayed home while Bella worked. I danced and sang in the forest next to Charlie's house, not wanting another occurrence of Jacob walking in on me as I try to absorb as much of the night life as I can. The way he made me feel that night, still leaves jitters in my bones.
Friday, we spent our time in the Jacob's garage, and Saturday, after Bella's shift at Newton's, we worked on homework again. This time Charlie was out fishing with Harry while we worked - not feeling the need to watch over Bella since not only did her sanity seem to return but I am here to help now as well. After we were done with our homework, Bella and Jacob watched Monster Garage while I went out into the night and danced again. Things seemed to go into a routine as I relaxed under the stars.
As I sit on a broken log, I hear Bella's truck start up. I stand and walk to the edge of the forest and watch them as Bella takes Jacob home.
By the time Bella got home, I am in the living room watching a horrible B-rated zombie flick. Though I enjoy sad and romance songs, I always choose a crappy zombie movie to watch when I have nothing else to do. Of course there are sex scenes that often plague the B-rated films, I mostly watch to see how the world comes crumbling down.
Bella sits next to me with a frown on her face.
"Did something happen?" I ask, looking over her dulled expression.
"I don't know when we are heading to Jacob's tomorrow, he said he'd call first."
I shrug. "Maybe he has a surprise for us?" Or you. Particularly you.
"Yeah, I don't know. I just know that I hate being without him around."
I frown this time.
"Why don't you go out with him?" I ask in a soft whisper.
"Because I don't see him like that," she replies.
"But you rely on him."
"I rely on you, but you don't see me swooning all over you," she rolls her eyes.
"Of course not, we're sisters."
"I just don't want to be with anyone, as much as Jacob has helped me feel alive again, I am just not interested in him like that…" She mutters before getting up and leaving the room to head upstairs. Leaving me the sound of a girl screaming from being eaten by a zombie.