Hi Everyone :)
I hope you're having a lovely weekend!
Thank you for continuing to read the story, and for your patience with the updates, it is greatly appreciated.
Thank you to the kind reviewer who noted I made a mistake with Dr Hamilton's name in the recent chapter. I have corrected this, apologies. Thanks for letting me know. And please do let me know if there are any errors you notice, especially if any character seems out of character at all. I really want to make this as realistic as possible. On a related note, Noah's age is a subject which has arisen, and it's something I often struggle with. Based on when he was adopted and the current timeline, in s23 he should be around 8/9, but the actor who plays him appears to be a few years older. I presume this is due to delays in filming due to Covid. So, in this story, he is 8, though in the series he seems to be around 11/12. He seems to have gone from 6 to 12! Apologies for any confusion (almost certainly mine!)
Whilst writing, I recently rewatched 'Last Call at Forlini's' and noticed I have made a slight timeline error. Whilst the episode starts in April, Liv and Rafa's final scene in Forlini's takes place in 19th May, not in April as I initially thought. I have therefore updated the references to dates throughout the story. Liv's due date is now 14th February, not 25th January. She is still 22 weeks pregnant and it is currently mid October. I am very sorry for the mistake, but am confident it will not have any affect upon the story.
I hope you enjoy the latest instalment. As always, any comments and/or constructive feedback are greatly appreciated :)
With love,
HQ21
Following Liv's appointment with Dr Hamilton, the combination of Rafael Barba's reassurances and her own research eventually allayed her concerns about the size of her baby. She understood her doctor's explanation and trusted her judgement, so her fears were replaced instead by embarrassment, which Rafael had quickly picked up on and assured her was unwarranted.
Thankfully for Liv, the week which followed was as busy as those which had preceded it, with her days filled with meetings, work on current cases and preparing for the Taxi Cab Rapist trial. She worked closely with the victims and the other detectives to prepare them for the impending trial, and Rafa spent a large part of his week with them preparing them to testify.
Although Liv had found herself feeling more energetic and less tired during her second trimester, the past week or so had been rather trying, due to her lack of sleep. Her nightmares had begun to subside, but she had now encountered another obstacle in her attempt to attain six hours' sleep a night in order to function properly: her ever-growing belly. In the past month or so Liv had noticed her belly had grown considerably, and as she approached the six month mark in her pregnancy her condition was immediately apparent. Whilst her new maternity wardrobe offered her both comfort and style in the office, she was experiencing difficulty in getting comfortable when trying to sleep. She found herself feeling heavy and uncomfortable, and would toss and turn and struggle to get to sleep. Carefully arranged pillows would sometimes provide her with some relief and comfort, but it was only temporary. She thought she would get used to her changing body and adapt, but as of yet she had been unable to do so. She was surviving on around four hours' of broken sleep a night, followed by ten-hour days, and she was utterly exhausted.
On Wednesday afternoon Liv was sitting her office, sipping ice cold water and ignoring a strong desire to lay down on her couch for just a minute. A rumble in her belly reminded her she had not eaten since the breakfast bar she had forced down between meetings earlier that day, and she sighed wearily, before rising to her feet, pulling on her coat and picking up her handbag.
Liv walked out of her office and into the precinct, announcing to Fin and Amanda she was going out for a while, and would be back soon. They declined her offer of food and she headed out of the building and onto the street.
Feeling hungry but not quite knowing what she fancied, Liv walked slowly down the street, enjoying being out in the October air, having been stuck inside an office for the majority of the day. She was reading a menu in the window of a local cafe, when a strong smell of pork and onions caused her mouth to water, and she turned on the spot, searching for the source. She quickly identified a hot dog vendor across the street, and her decision was made.
After purchasing a hot dog with onions, ketchup and mustard, Liv paid the vendor and turned on the spot, taking a bite into the hot, comforting food before she'd even taken a step. She was flooded with the taste pork, onions, sweet tomato and sharp mustard, and she practically hummed in delight. She finished the hot dog far quicker than she would care to admit, and immediately felt satisfied and sleepy. Her unborn baby began to kick excitedly, which she perceived as approval, and she wiped her mouth with the napkin and threw it in a nearby trash can, as she placed a hand instinctively on her belly. She was about to head back to the station when she realised what store she was standing outside of.
As Liv looked up at the window, she found herself staring at a display of prams, car seats and and baby clothes, and her eyes drifted across them curiously. She had not yet bought a single thing for her unborn baby, and even now after the reassurance of the results of the amniocentesis and the anatomy scan, part of her wondered whether it was too soon. Despite that pang of worry at the back of her mind, Liv found herself walking forward into the store, her gaze drifting across the large room as she entered.
The store was a neutrally-decorated large room which contained almost every baby-related item Liv could imagine. At the back of the store were approximately a dozen cribs with matching furniture sets, to the right were strollers and baby seats, and to the left was an impressive array of baby clothes for boys and girls up to eighteen months of age. There were multiple displays throughout the centre of the store, which Liv briefly glanced over, before walking instinctively to her left.
The wall was lined with rails and rails of baby clothes, blankets, muslins and swaddle bags, and Liv found herself feeling more than a little overwhelmed by the volume of items. She remembered rushing to a nearby store very similar to this one, followed by two department stores, on the day the judge permitted her to foster Noah. She had spent a considerable amount of money on car seats and furniture and diapers and clothing, and anything else the sales assistant had told her she would need to care for a baby. Whilst she felt more confident shopping for a baby now that she did before, she was acutely aware that she had not done so for almost a decade, and that Noah was nearly five months old when she started fostering him.
As Liv looked up at the rails of clothes before her, she found herself staring at a three-pack of white sleepsuits for a premature infant. She was struck by how tiny the clothes were, how much smaller they were than the clothes she had bought her son all those years ago. Liv reached out and touched the soft material, tugging it down slightly, as her gaze drifted over the shape and size of the outfit. She remembered Dr Hamilton advising her that her age meant there was an increased chance her baby would be premature, and she swallowed hard as she stared at the sleepsuits. It was hard to believe a baby could be born that small, though she knew that it could. She flicked through the rail and found the same suits in a newborn size, and in 0-3 months, and she considered the difference in the sizes. Although they were bigger than the first set of clothing she had noticed, they were still incredibly small. It was strange to think that her baby would be that small. She knew that it was normal, of course, and she had met and held newborns in recent years, most notably Amanda's children. But the fact in just a few months' time she would be holding her own tiny baby was both terrifying and overwhelming. Her baby would be so small and vulnerable, and the clothes were a tangible reminder of that.
"Hi there" came the pleasant voice of a younger woman, prompting Liv to let go of the clothing she had been staring at and turn towards her. "Are you looking for something in particular?" she asked kindly, her eyes drifting from Liv's face to her belly. Liv felt her chest tighten.
"No, thank you. I really need to get back to my office" she stammered, her voice warm and polite. "But thank you" she added quickly, before turning on her heel and walking out of the store, and trying desperately to ignore the deep sense of unease which was pooling in the base of her belly.
Liv's impromptu trip to the baby store did little to assist her already prevalent anxiety, and the combination of the daunting reminder of her baby's vulnerability and her growing belly meant she endured another night of very little sleep. A hot shower, heavy make-up and strong coffee got her through the morning, and her meeting with Rafael Barba and one of the Taxi Cab Rapist's victims, whom they were prepping for trial in Rafa's office.
After the victim left shortly before eleven-thirty, Rafa and Liv were going to review matters together when he received a call from the DA requesting an update. He offered Liv an apologetic expression and she waved her hand dismissively, as she made her way towards the couch in his office, sitting down and responding to some work emails on her phone.
As Liv was reading an email from a colleague, she found herself struggling to stay focused, stifling a yawn as she read the same paragraph for the third time. She looked up and saw Rafa standing facing the window, as his discussion with the DA continued. It quickly became apparent it would not be a brief call.
Upon attempting to read the email for a fourth time Liv sighed tiredly and locked her phone, placing it on the table next to her and rubbing her eyes. Knowing she had some time before Rafa would be finished with his phone call, she shrugged off her blazer and folded it up, creating a make-shift cushion out of it, which she placed on the armrest of the couch. She then laid her head on it and eased her body onto the couch, laying on her right side and shifting until she was comfortable. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, promising herself just a fifteen minute nap to restore herself before her meeting with Rafa continued. She fell asleep less than a minute later, to the soothing sound of Rafa's voice.
When Liv next opened her eyes she felt warm, comfortable and suspiciously well-rested. She opened her eyes slowly and reached instinctively for the dark material which covered her body, which was heavy and expensive and smelled like Rafa. She closed her eyes for a moment as she snuggled down beneath his coat, before looking up towards the sound of typing. She quickly caught sight of Rafa, who was sitting behind his desk, dividing his attentions between his laptop and the notepad he was writing on. Liv pushed herself up into a seating position and stretched tiredly.
"It's a little after one" Rafa said gently, anticipating her question and, apparently, her panic. "Don't worry. I text Rollins and let her know you'd be here a while longer."
"Thank you" Liv said, trying to ignore her embarrassment. "Do you have time for our meeting or are you due in Court?" she asked, reaching for her phone.
"I'm not due in Court today" Rafa advised, as he closed the lid on his laptop and rose to his feet. "Are you hungry?" he asked, as he walked towards her. "I can order in" he suggested. Liv smiled softly and nodded, leaning against the arm of the couch, as she reached for Rafa's coat. "Keep it" he added quickly. Liv met his eyes and nodded.
"Thanks" Liv added. Rafa eased himself onto the couch beside her, and she felt his gaze upon her.
"You're tired" Rafa remarked. Liv smiled softly.
"I'm fine" Liv assured him. Rafa stared at her and rose his eyebrows doubtfully, his expression making it clear he did not believe her. "I'm nearly six months' pregnant, it's hard to get comfortable" she said simply; she didn't want to seem like she was complaining, and she certainly didn't want him to worry. Rafa considered her words and nodded slowly in understanding.
"So you haven't been sleeping well?" he asked softly.
"Not as well as I would like" Liv conceded. "But it's nothing. I'm fine" she added quickly. "I'll catch up on the weekend. When sleeping during the day isn't an issue."
"It's not an issue" Rafa assured her. "If you need to rest-"
"I have a department to run" Liv countered. Rafa inhaled deeply and nodded.
"I understand" Rafa assured her. "But taking a couple of hours-" he began, prompting Liv to shake her head. "Liv" he added, his voice kind but firm.
"I'll be fine after the weekend" Liv advised. "I'm fine now" she added. Rafa stared at her doubtfully.
"Okay" Rafa conceded, albeit reluctantly. He knew Liv didn't like being coddled, and he didn't want her to feel smothered, or doubt that he trusted her judgement. "Shall we order our usual and then finish our meeting?"
"Sure" Liv agreed. Rafa smiled softly and nodded, before removing his phone from his pocket and placing the order.
Liv and Rafa spent the next two hours in his office, eating lunch and discussing the case at length, and going through the next stages ahead of the trial. At half-past three Liv put on her coat and gathered her things, placing her laptop and files back into her bag. Rafa walked slowly towards her.
"If you'd rather stay home tonight instead of go out for dinner-"
"No" Liv said softly. "I can't, Noah's really looking forward to it" she explained. "And so am I" she added, holding Rafa's gaze as she spoke. He sighed gently and she felt his hand on her lower back.
"We can order in, if you want" he suggested. "If you'd prefer to stay home-"
"I wouldn't" Liv said gently. "I'll be just as tired at home as I would be in the restaurant" she reasoned, turning on the spot to face him as she spoke. "Besides, eating my own weight in Italian food is a great way to ensure I sleep" she smiled.
Rafa smiled softly and nodded, his hand drifting from her lower back to her waist. Liv watched as his eyes drifted towards her belly, and his expression softened. Liv placed her hand on his and drew it towards her belly, pressing it down lightly on the spot their unborn child was currently kicking enthusiastically, as was their custom after she ate.
"You're allowed to touch me, Rafa" Liv said gently, her warm eyes holding his gaze. Despite the fact they were now romantically involved, he never touched her belly unless she invited him to, and she was certain it was not because he did not want to, as his affectionate glances towards her belly were a testament to. A small smile tugged at Rafa's lips.
"And am I allowed to do this?" he asked quietly, as he stepped forward and placing his right hand on her cheek, and captured her lips in a tender kiss.
Liv pressed her body against his and returned the kiss, her hands drifting up his back towards his shoulders, as she hummed against his lips, the sensation of his body and his glorious scent making her feel dizzy and aroused.
"Absolutely" she replied huskily, as her hands drifted down his sides and towards his hips. "In fact, I actively encourage it" she added, pulling him against her as she pressed her lips to his.
"Do you?" Rafa asked between kisses. Liv hummed in agreement and he cradled her cheek, kissing her tenderly as he held her against him.
A knock at the door prompted Rafa to sigh against her lips, and Liv smiled in amusement as she took a step back, picking up her bag and placing it over her right shoulder just as Rafa called for Carmen to enter.
"I'm sorry, Mr Barba, but I have Ethan Hollister's attorney on the phone for you" she explained.
"I'll take it in here. Thank you" he replied, before turning towards Liv. "I'll see you tonight."
"Goodbye, counsellor" Liv said lightly, before walking confidently out of his office. Rafa's eyes followed her until she was out of sight.
After taking the call from the Taxi Cab Rapist's attorney, who suggested a plea bargain that a first year law student would have dismissed as ridiculous, Rafael Barba found himself sitting at his desk and considering his recent conversation with Liv. Despite her attempts to hide it using make-up and reassurances, he could see immediately that she was tired, and it had been a relief when she had fallen asleep on his couch. She slept for nearly two hours, which was a testament to how desperately she needed to rest, and he was very glad that she had. But he was concerned about her apparent reluctance to accept that she needed to rest.
Rafael remembered her explaining how she had found it difficult to sleep due to being uncomfortable, which she indicated was due to her growing size. Whilst he had noticed that her belly had become noticeably bigger in recent weeks, this had come as a relief to him, as it was further evidence that she and their baby were healthy. It had not occurred to him she was struggling to sleep as a result. He remembered her tossing and turning in bed over the weekend, but he attributed that to her nightmares or anxiety, he hadn't realised it had a physical cause. Chastising himself for his ignorance, he opened his laptop and began to type, spending ten minutes undertaking some preliminary research, including checking the online inventory of the two nearest stores. He then checked the time, rose from his desk, and picked up his coat from the couch, which he hastily put on.
Rafael Barba stepped out of his office and informed Carmen that he would be back in half an hour or so, and that he could be reached on his cell phone if anything urgently came up. She smiled amiably and nodded, and watched as he stepped out into the corridor.
Rafael walked three blocks to the store whose details he found online, which he was relieved to find was open for another hour. As he stepped inside he glanced curiously around the room, taking in the displays, furniture, and endless rails of baby clothes. The store was nearly empty, save for a handful of patrons, all of whom were women. He ignored how incredibly out of place he felt and walked slowly towards the back of the store, his eyes drifting from left to right as he tried to establish which section of the store contained what he was searching for.
"Good afternoon, sir" came a polite voice from his right, prompting him to pause and turn towards the sound. A blonde lady in her mid-forties was looking up at him with an expression somewhere between interest and curiosity. "Can I help you?" she asked kindly.
"I'm sure you can" Rafael responded, finding himself feeling completely at a loss as to where to begin his search. "My partner is nearly six months pregnant" he explained, earning an approving smile from the sales assistant. "She's been having trouble sleeping and I read about some pillows which might help her" he explained uncertainly. The sales assistant's expression softened and she nodded.
"Come with me" she said warmly, prompting a very relieved Rafael Barba to follow her across the store.
The sales assistant lead Rafael towards the back right hand corner of the store, where there was a small display of pregnancy and nursing pillows. His eyes drifted across the multitude of pillows, which came in very different shapes and sizes, and he found himself feeling rather out of his depth.
"You said she's six months along?" the sales assistant said, drawing him from his thoughts.
"Yes" Rafael confirmed, "nearly" he corrected, turning towards her as he spoke. "She said she's struggling to get comfortable at night, and she's clearly exhausted" he added. The sales assistant nodded. "Which one would you recommend?" he asked.
The sales assistant spent the next couple of minutes showing Rafael all of the pillows they stocked, explaining how they worked and what the benefits of each were, and he listened with interest. He tried to think of which one Liv would like, and he found himself completely uncertain, though he quickly discounted the largest ones, doubting she would thank him for them. After several minutes more, he and the patient sales assistant narrowed it down to two; both were from the same brand and made of a white teddy-fleece pregnancy pillow, which felt incredibly soft. They were similar in size, except one was a rectangular shape with curved edges, and the other was almost a c-shape, like two prongs of a fork. The assistant spoke highly of both of them and assured him that either would make a considerable different to Liv's comfort. Rafael listened carefully to her advice and nodded.
"I'll take both. Thank you" he said gratefully.
"You just need the one" she quickly assured him. "And if she wants to change it you can always bring it back."
"Thank you, but I'll take one of each" he replied politely. "She might want to take one into her office, or have one for her bedroom and one on the couch" he reasoned. Though, in truth, he was also concerned about picking the wrong one. Liv was exhausted, she needed to sleep.
"Alright" the sales assistant conceded, picking up a box and handing it to him. "As long as you're sure" she added, as he relieved her of the first box.
"I am" Rafael assured her, as she identified the second box and picked it up.
"Okay then" she replied pleasantly. "Follow me."
Shortly after six o'clock that evening Rafael Barba knocked on Liv's front door, which she opened moments later, smiling warmly at him. Her eyes drifted to the bags he was carrying, which she stared at as she stepped aside so he could enter.
"You come bearing gifts?" Liv queried, curiosity and confusion present in her tone.
"Presents?" asked Noah excitedly, as he ran towards his mother. "Hi, Uncle Rafa" he smiled.
"Hi, Noah" he replied. "Actually, these are for your mum" he explained, prompting Noah to sigh in disappointment. "But dessert is on me" he stated.
"Yes!" Noah proclaimed, before hurrying back into the living room to watch cartoons, his interest in the bags disappearing once he realised their contents were not for him. Liv's interest, however, was piqued.
"Those are for me?" Liv asked curiously, as she led Rafael into the kitchen.
"They are" he confirmed, as he put the bags down on the kitchen island. Liv looked at them with interest, and saw the name of a department store she did not recognise.
"What are they?" she asked, as she reached into the first bag and removed a box, staring at the image on the front of it. The labels and images on the packaging quickly revealed the contents of the box, and Liv found herself feeling surprised and incredibly touched. She looked up at Rafa with a grateful expression. "You bought me a pregnancy pillow?" she asked softly.
"Two, actually" Rafa advised, prompting Liv to open the second bag and lifting out the box, which she quickly established contained another pregnancy pillow by the same manufacturer, but a different shape. She stared at the box for a moment and swallowed thickly, before placing the box down on the counter and looking up at Rafa with emotional eyes. He was unsure if she was touched or upset, and for a moment he wondered if he had made a mistake. "If you'd prefer a different one that's okay, they had about a hundred" he said lightly.
Liv's expression softened and she stared at him. She found herself becoming emotional at the smallest things as of late, but she was genuinely touched by Rafa's kind and thoughtful gesture, and battling not to allow her tears to fall.
"No, this... this is great, they're perfect" she said finally, when she could trust her voice. "Thank you, Rafa" she said sincerely. He smiled softly and nodded in response.
"It was the least I could do" he replied chivalrously. "Seeing as I'm the cause" he teased. Liv laughed in response.
"I'd say you're only half responsible" Liv countered. Rafa nodded in agreement.
"Mum, Uncle Rafa, can we have dinner now?" Noah asked, appearing beside them wearing his coat. "I'm hungry" he explained.
"You're always hungry" Liv teased. "Of course. Come on, my love" she encouraged, walking around the counter, prompting Noah to walk quickly towards the door. "Thank you" she repeated, placing her hand on Rafa's arm and holding his gaze as she spoke. He nodded in acknowledgement.
"Of course" he said softly, as they walked together towards her front door, for what had quickly become a regular arrangement.
"And did the pregnancy pillow help?" asked Dr Lindstrom, confident of the answer as his visibly well-rested patient sat in the armchair opposite him.
"Last night was the best night's sleep I've had in weeks" Liv responded. Dr Lindstrom smiled and nodded.
"And did Mr Barba stay the night?" he asked cautiously. Liv nodded in response.
"He did" she confirmed. "In fact, he had to wake me this morning. I almost overslept" she confessed. Dr Lindstrom's expression softened.
"It sounds like Mr Barba is being very supportive of you and your pregnancy" he suggested.
"He is" Liv confirmed promptly. "I've never been very good at being taken care of, but I appreciate everything he is doing" she explained. "He is very caring and attentive, but not oppressively so, he doesn't make me feel smothered" she stated. Dr Lindstrom nodded. "He always knows exactly what to do or say" she stated. "He's always so calm, and reasonable" she continued. "I've always confided in him, and even when something feels impossible he has always had this way of making it seem so much less daunting" she added.
"And he's attending your doctor's appointments with you?" Dr Lindstrom asked.
"Yes" Liv confirmed. "He's always so engaged with the appointments. He listens, and asks questions, and seems – he is – genuinely interested in the baby."
"And you" Dr Lindstrom suggested. Liv held his gaze for a moment and nodded.
"Yeah" she replied, hesitating for a moment. "After I fell asleep in his office and explained I'd been finding it difficult to get comfortable at night, he went out and bought the pregnancy pillows that very afternoon" she reiterated. "He tried to encourage me to sleep during the day, but I can't. I told him I can't, but he said I needed to rest" she continued. "I don't want to keep giving him reasons to worry about me" she stated.
"Olivia, you are nearly six months pregnant with his child" Dr Lindstrom said gently. "He is going to worry about you, and your baby" he stated. Liv nodded in acknowledgement. "Being honest with him and having open conversations about how you are feeling, and what you need, are important" he advised "for both of you."
"I know" Liv assured him. "I just don't want him to worry, or to think I can't handle this."
"Nothing you have said in today's session, or previous ones, has indicated that Mr Barba has expressed such doubts" Dr Lindstrom assured her. "Expressing a concern for your well-being doesn't mean he doubts your abilities" he explained patiently. "It means he loves you, and his baby, and he wants to make sure you're both alright" he continued. "We've talked about the ways he tried to protect you before you were pregnant. Now that you are carrying his child he is going to feel even more protective towards you. Both of you" he stated. "And that's natural."
"Yes, I know. I get it, I really do" Liv replied. "I'm just aware that I am introducing him to a world and a lifestyle that he probably would not have chosen for himself."
"But he is choosing it, Olivia" Dr Lindstrom said gently. "He is choosing you, and his child, and Noah" he reminded her. "You're building a life together, as a family" he explained. Liv nodded slowly.
"I just don't want him to feel obligated" Liv advised. "He's a decent man who wants to do the right thing" she explained. "He said he wants to talk about the financial side of his responsibility" she said slowly, her discomfort evident. "He feels he should pay me a certain amount every month once the baby is born, and he wants to pay for things now."
"And how does that make you feel?" he asked curiously. Liv sighed gently as she considered the question.
"Embarrassed" she replied honestly. "Uncomfortable" she added. "I don't want his money" she stated.
"Money can be a very awkward subject of conversation" Dr Lindstrom began. "You're financially independent, high-profile and a single mother, you are used to being the sole provider for your family" he explained. "But Mr Barba is the baby's father, and it is understandable and admirable that he wants to bear his share of the financial side of raising a child" he suggested. "Do you not believe that he should?" he asked curiously. Liv hesitated, and appeared visibly uncomfortable. "Or do you think the fact that you decided to continue with this pregnancy, and concealed it from him for months, means that you should be solely responsible?" he asked. She met his gaze with a guilty expression, and he realised immediately he had identified the answer.
"I know, rationally, logically, that you are right" Liv conceded. "When Rafa and I talked about it he was so reasonable" she explained. "He suggested he pay for a nanny for the baby when I am ready to go back to work, which I didn't feel comfortable with. So we talked about it and agreed we would pay half each" she advised. Dr Lindstrom nodded in agreement.
"So you reached a compromise" Dr Lindstrom noted. "A fair and very reasonable one, by the sounds of it" he commended. Liv nodded.
"I know. And I know it's the right thing to do, and it makes sense" Liv continued. "I don't feel uncomfortable with him paying half the childcare costs for our baby, but I don't like the idea of him just giving me a set amount of money each month" she explained. "And I know I am being unreasonable and ridiculous."
"No, Olivia. You and Mr Barba are both navigating this new aspect of your lives together" Dr Lindstrom explained. "You have been independent your entire life, including in motherhood" he reminded her. "So it is understandable you would feel uncomfortable accepting money from someone in relation to your child" he conceded. "But Mr Barba is the father of your baby" he said gently. "The fact you didn't tell him about the baby right away, and the fact it was your decision to continue with the pregnancy, does not negate his responsibility" he stated. Liv nodded slowly in agreement.
"I know" Liv said quietly. "I know you're right. He's right. About this" she explained. Dr Lindstrom watched Liv with patient eyes as she spoke.
"Have you talked to Mr Barba about why you feel uncomfortable about this?" he asked.
"No" Liv admitted, sighing lightly as she spoke. Dr Lindstrom held her gaze.
"Because you don't want to give him something to worry about" he suggested. Liv swallowed hard and nodded almost imperceptibly in response.
"I'm nearly six months pregnant, I have anaemia and I have fainted twice in the last month" Liv explained. "He has enough to worry about without me making a complicated situation even more complicated" she stated.
"You know, Olivia, from what you have told me in our recent sessions, it sounds like you, Mr Barba and Noah are becoming quite the family unit" Dr Lindstrom suggested. "You decided to enter into a romantic relationship with each other. He is spending more time with you, Noah sounds very fond of him, and he of Noah" he continued, as Liv nodded in agreement. "Whilst I understand that there are things which need to be talked about, is it possible that the situation – and, in particular, your relationship with Mr Barba – is now significantly less complicated than it once was?" he asked. Liv considered this for a few moments.
"I guess" she conceded, uncertainty present in her voice. Dr Lindstrom remained silent as she sat pensively opposite him. "There's just so much that we need to do, and figure out, before the baby is born" she explained. "And I'm very conscious of the fact that I'm running out of time" she acknowledged.
"Your baby is not due for another three and a half months" Dr Lindstrom reassured her. "You have time" he said gently. "Look how much you and Mr Barba have accomplished in the past month or so" he suggested. Liv nodded in acknowledgement.
"Earlier this week I went out for lunch, and I found myself walking into this store" Liv began, as she remembered stepping into the store, the room appearing to her at the forefront of her mind. "I was looking at these baby clothes, and I realised that when I started to foster Noah, he was five months old" she continued. "I was looking at the clothes, and realising how small the baby would be, how vulnerable and dependent" she explained, pausing for a moment as she gathered her thoughts.
"Olivia, it is natural for a pregnant woman to feel overwhelmed at the prospect of caring for a newborn" Dr Lindstrom assured her. "It doesn't mean you can't do it, or don't want to, or that you aren't ready" he stated with conviction. "I think you've been so preoccupied with worrying about how Mr Barba feels you have neglected to acknowledge your own feelings" he suggested. "And I believe that part of the reason why you are so confused by Mr Barba's concern for you" he added.
Liv stared at Dr Lindstrom for several moments, before lowering her gaze from his and nodding slowly.
"From the moment you found out you were pregnant, you were first faced with the prospect of a miscarriage, then the amniocentesis, and then with Mr Barba's discovery of your pregnancy" Dr Lindstrom continued with caution. "You have spent the past few months managing all of those things. You have been so focused upon them that you have neglected to acknowledge or consider your own feelings and anxieties concerning the arrival of your baby" he said gently. "If I ever raise it in one of our sessions, it always leads to us talking about someone else."
"We had several sessions where we talked about how worried I was about the Amnio, and about the baby being alright" Liv countered.
"Those were concerns you had about the well-being of your baby, Olivia. Not your anxiety about becoming a mother again" Dr Lindstrom replied gently. Liv blinked and looked away from him once more. "Since discovering your pregnancy, we have spent significantly more time discussing other people and their well-being and their feelings, than we have about you and your own feelings" he suggested. "You have never been pregnant before, or given birth, or taken care of a newborn baby" he said gently. "Being nervous about the prospect of having a baby does not mean you do not want the baby, or that you aren't capable of taking care of it" he assured her. "It doesn't mean that you don't love your baby, that you don't want it" he added.
"I understand" Liv responded. "And I'm fine" she assured him, holding her gaze as she spoke. Dr Lindstrom smiled softly.
"It's alright not to be fine, Olivia" Dr Lindstrom assured her. "And it's alright to talk to people you trust about it. To me, Mr Barba, your friend Amanda" he assured her. "You don't have to do everything by yourself. And you are not alone. Now, during your pregnancy, or once your baby has been born" he said warmly. "You are surrounded by people who care about you, and who want to be there to support you and help you, especially Mr Barba" he explained. "The best thing you can do for yourself and your baby is to let them."