A couple of bucks and a mountain lion later, my thirst was finally sated following the emotional strain of the day. My mind was still whirring madly from my contemplations and enduring Emmett's curiosity wasn't helping.
"Would you please give it a rest?" My voice was a loud sigh as i addressed him, thoroughly fed up after the last few hours.
He looked up, startled by my outburst before mentally apologizing. Carlisle, who was aware of our lunch time discussion, gave me a sympathetic smile, though he couldn't completely disguise his own hope that I'd finally found a match.
Jasper remained silent and observant, but i did my best to avoid him. I felt a sense of shame when i looked at him, as he was the only other who understood my additional agitation and embarrassment. When he'd heard Bella and i upstairs he'd moved closer, prepared to defuse the situation if necessary. He'd heard and felt everything between us, including my reaction to seeing her with my defenses down.
For the first time in my long life, a sense of want had flashed through me.
It was the closest name i could give the feeling, comparing it to what I'd observed in other minds and of my own understanding. I'd drawn no conclusions for what Bella was to me and, whatever that sensation had been, it honestly scared me.
You need to stop with the guilt trip, Edward. Jasper's mental tone was pleading yet firm, keeping a distance from me after my earlier reactions. It's only natural what you feel for her; you don't need to beat yourself up about it.
I didn't meet his eyes, my head falling into my palm. I felt like a teenager being walked through puberty and i didn't need more awkwardness in my already chaotic day-to-day life.
I excused myself and diverted from the group, seeking the quiet of the meadow as they continued home. I let myself fall backwards onto the damp grass, the few wildflowers wilting with the weight of the rainfall. I stared up at the murky sky framed by the surrounding trees, but the peace i sought refused to find me.
Bella. Bella. Bella. Her name sounded through my head like a continuous drumbeat, Alice's vision of us at this very spot filtering through. I felt my form relaxing as her shy smile appeared, something i was yet to see directed my way. Involuntarily, the corners of my mouth raised to smile back, but i quickly forced it and the image away. I could not afford to develop feelings of any kind for her.
I remained in the meadow for the night, intermittent showers soaking my already damp clothes and running off my stone-like skin. It was impossible to think logically over a situation i refused to consider in the first place. My mind wouldn't allow any option other than what was best for Bella and what would make her happy; i didn't fall into this equation, therefore it was non-negotiable. I fought the racing panic clawing at my chest, the urge to return within her vicinity strong but i pushed it down, refusing to return before dawn. By the time i did enter the house, Bella had returned to the cottage while the others were getting ready for school. I squashed the disappointment that coursed through me before heading up to shower and dress for the day ahead.
.
This pattern continued over the next couple of days; i struggled with my thoughts about Bella, then disappeared in the evenings to try and work through it. If Bella and i crossed paths, i either returned her fiery remarks or remained subdued. When Thursday came around, i was no closer in either direction and the stress was starting to frustrate both myself and Jasper greatly. He caught me outside the house as i returned that morning to prepare for school.
"I'm starting to wonder if you're a masochist and enjoy making yourself miserable." He shook his head at me, my frustrated mind giving me away. "I feel more connected to you than anyone else in the family right now, and that's saying somethin'."
"Sorry Jas, it's not my intent to cause you discomfort."
"It's not me I'm worried about." His golden eyes examined my autumnal ones, sincerity in his gaze. "We're all concerned and want you to be happy. You've laid so much guilt and stress onto yourself over the past few weeks."
"It seems warranted to me."
He sighed as the guilt radiated off me again, dropping his hand from my shoulder. "Have you tried a normal conversation without letting the guilt filter through?"
I stared at him with a raised eyebrow. "You've seen us together, you know exactly how she'll react if i approached her."
"If you go in guns blazing then yes, of course she will. I know this is all to help her, but did you consider it may be doing more harm than good?"
"I'm not following you."
He considered his words for a moment. "Pulling her into an emotional response and forcing her to act on it, you wouldn't want her to feel that's the norm and it became a problem later in life, would you? If she has to feel angry in order to hunt, there's more a risk of something going wrong."
I shrugged it off. "It's only while she's learning and she'll begin to control herself once she's out of the newborn stage. If it encourages her into action and benefits her later in life, then i don't see any harm."
We were interrupted by an irritated voice that I'd long grown weary of.
"Of course it's going to hurt her more that way, you arrogant fool." Rosalie joined us in the backyard, remaining within a sheltered area to avoid the misty rain. "How can you feel so noble about manipulating the feelings of others?"
"It's not manipulation-"
"Really? It sounds an awful lot like it to me." She fixed me with her hard glare, her mind evidencing exactly how protective she was of Bella. I told you to stop hurting her and i didn't just mean physically. Go back to leaving her alone, why don't you?
I let out a sigh and rolled my eyes in frustration. "Fine, I'll try to stay out of her hair, exactly as i have the last few days. Happy?"
She nodded her approval, but her mind gave her away. In my absence, Bella was still on edge in the house while awaiting my return. I didn't know what i could do about that; no one wanted Bella to avoid the house, but they didn't want me to leave either.
Well, most of them didn't.
Before i could respond to her thoughts, i froze when a vision stole Alice as she walked into the kitchen. My eyes met her glazed ones through the window as we watched it together, muttering a silent curse under my breath.
Jasper, sensing his wife's distress, immediately rushed over to secure her in his arms. Rose looked in their direction as she wondered what our conversation had caused.
"It's not you, Rose, it's Bella's father."
Her eyes met mine with a hint of fear before she was beside Alice, my rigid legs forcing movement as i approached the group. I quietly called Esme's name, prompting her to join us while Emmett remained oblivious upstairs.
"What is it, Alice? Is it about Bella?" Esme's voice was full of concern, her motherly protectiveness rising to the forefront.
"It's her father; he's coming to see us again." Her voice sounded confused.
"Why? I thought Carlisle had already answered everything." Rose watched in worry while Esme thought back over their meeting.
"I'm not sure, something's changed." Her still-glazed eyes continued searching.
"What changed, Alice? What was the trigger?" My voice was higher and faster with my own nerves.
"I didn't see, i missed it." She closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to clear it in frustration. "Something has made him want to speak to us again, but he's not made a final decision yet."
If my heart could still race, it would be pounding and my body shaking. My concern was high for what would bring him back here, but my mind had immediately jumped to Bella. She'd already left for the cottage and we wouldn't see her or Carlisle until this evening. Would it be better to wait, or to tell her now?
"How likely is he to turn up today?"
"I'm not sure." Her eyes glazed again as she tried to search, but her visions were greyed out without the Chief's final decision. "I don't think it will be while we're in school, plus he knows Carlisle's routine."
"What about Bella? Do you want me to talk to her?" Esme was in full mom mode, ready to reassure and support her as much as needed.
Alice and i looked at each other before i spoke. "I think we should speak to her altogether and work on a solution, like we promised. Let's do it this evening when Carlisle's home."
"Acting as the decider again?" Rose's sarcasm brought a growl of annoyance from me as Emmett joined the room.
"What'd i miss? Why's everyone so serious in here?"
Alice explained the situation while Rose and i continued our stare down, both stubbornly refusing to be the first to back off before Emmett spoke again.
"He's right; we should address it together as a family. She has a right to know and be involved in the decision." Emmett was sure in his mind and, like all of us, wanted to help his sister as much as possible.
"Good, then it's settled." Alice shuffled between myself and Rose, forcing our attention to her. "Now both of you get ready, we have to leave soon and Edward's drenched to the bone, chop chop!"
Internally i smiled at the tiny, energetic vampire conducting orders as i rushed upstairs to prepare for another long day ahead. It didn't take long before i joined my siblings in the Volvo and we headed to Forks High, tuning out Rose's continuous mental grumbling all the way. The day went as tediously as expected; i only spoke to answer a question, otherwise my focus was entirely on Alice. She continued glancing ahead throughout the day and, while things were solidifying for the Chief vising the house again, he was still indecisive about when. It was hard to know his reasoning in these visions, but something was keeping him hesitant and unsure. By the end of the day, i decided to head over to his house tonight to try and gain further understanding after we'd spoken to Bella.
She didn't greet us on return with Esme, as she'd headed back to the cottage for a little while. Alice and Jasper, sensing an opportunity for some privacy, decided to venture into the forest together; i winced and quickly tried to divert my thoughts elsewhere before i witnessed something I'd rather not see. Rose headed into the garage, planning to tinker with her BMW with Emmett's assistance, though briefly contemplated an assault on my Aston Martin. Thankfully, she couldn't bring herself to harm such a beautiful car. I disappeared to my room to listen to my music, trying to cancel out my warring mind and was grateful for the interruption when Carlisle returned home. I rushed back downstairs, catching him as he was hanging his coat.
"Everything ok, son?" He could tell from my expression something had occurred. I quickly filled him in while he nodded in understanding. "I agree, we'll have a meeting when everyone's back. I'll be in my study for now if anything changes."
He passed me and greeted Esme with a kiss before heading upstairs, Esme offering me a gentle smile before beginning her evening chores. I remained in the living space for a while longer, finding myself glancing towards my grand piano. Among the mental chaos, an underlying tune had begun to take shape in the past couple of weeks though I'd yet to test it out. I stared at the instrument, knowing it had been some time since I'd worked on my music, then instead shook away the thought as i moved towards the back door. My journey was shortened as i suddenly found myself facing Bella in the kitchen, not noticing her entrance into the house.
"Hi Bella, didn't expect you back so soon." My voice was slightly higher again with nerves, drawing an uncertain look across her face. "How was your day?"
She ignored my question as she studied me. "What's up with you?"
"Nothing, you just took me by surprise." I still sounded like a nervous teenager, though was trying my best to return to a normal tone. My hand ran through my hair as i looked into her eyes, noting how much the red had begun to fade as she adjusted to our lifestyle. "You seem to be adapting well."
She continued to stare at me, suspicious of the small talk. "Adapting better than you, apparently. What is it; struggling to re-adjust to the humans? Maybe considering disrupting another life?"
I winced at her chosen words, but didn't argue it; her words were just. "No plans, i only ruined the one and don't intend to do it again."
She seemed surprised at my admission, though her expression quickly became one of annoyance. As she folded her arms with a glare, my normally silent phone buzzed in my pocket and briefly interrupted my thoughts, but i refused to drop my gaze from hers to check it.
"Why are you acting like a submissive servant all of a sudden?" She watched as i remained still, on guard for any sudden movements.
"Not submissive, just trying to have a simple conversation. Is that not acceptable?"
"Considering you're normally a jerk, it strikes me as strange." She moved closer, her eyes boring into mine as my phone buzzed again. "What are you hiding?"
"I'm not hiding anything, Bella, I'm simply trying to be friendly." My words were with a slight sigh, not sure what else i could say and her sharp eyes keeping my nerves in place.
"Uh huh. Why do i find that hard to believe?" Her arms remained folded as she continued to watch me, skeptical of anything i tried.
"Because you have every reason not to trust me. I'm not an idiot, i know I've hurt you greatly."
"That doesn't even begin to cover it-"
"I know!" I interrupted her in frustration, pinching the bridge of my nose and closing my eyes, partially surprised she hadn't launched at my rudeness. My phone began to buzz continuously with an incoming call, but i ignored it as i implored her to understand. "I want to help you and i want to make it right. If i could go back to that night, then I'd never have stopped the car. Hell, i would have never returned to Forks and gone off alone if that's what it took to spare you. You can yell at me, rip me to pieces, despise me for the rest of your existence; i deserve it all and more." My eyes opened warily, noting her standing perfectly still. "Tell me what i can do to make it up to you Bella, please! I'll do anything!"
She remained silent for a while, possibly absorbing the vulnerableness in how i spoke so desperately to her, before she slowly approached me. Her eyes were solid, her stance poised as if resisting the urge to strike out, meeting my gaze as she answered.
"I already told you; leave me the hell alone and stay out of my life."
The pain was worse than a direct hit from Emmett. She wasn't speaking to hurt me; she was telling the truth, repeating the first words she'd spoken to me. Her eyes continued to bore into mine, making sure i understood before she stepped back. There was no malice in her expression, no newborn anger, only the severity of her words. I closed my eyes against the hole in my chest and fought my staggering breaths, nodding as i spoke. "I understand."
"Good." I opened my eyes again to see her hard glare. As she turned away from me, the pain growing stronger, my phone began to buzz again with another call but that wasn't what made me react; it was the approaching mind I'd only just noticed.
Panic began to sink in as i spoke. "Bella, wait."
She huffed in frustration as she glared back. "What did i just say?"
"Yes, I know, but-"
"But nothing! I said to leave me alone!"
The heavy, mental cloud was getting closer. I wondered how I'd missed the sound of the tyres along the drive before i noticed the thoughts. "Bella, please just-"
"No!" She was in my face before i could react, her eyes practically flaming in her anger. "What part of this don't you understand? I want nothing to do with you! If you can't follow simple instructions, then I'll find another way to help it sink in!"
She forced herself to take a calming breath, stepping backwards as she stared me down in warning. The vehicle was nearly here, the dense cloud encroaching into my thoughts and i knew I'd run out of time to explain.
I didn't think; i acted on fear and instinct.
I lunged at her.
A/N: Surprise; i managed to work out another chapter for this month!
We're now reaching another key part i'd pictured in my mind and i found myself inspired to keep going, hopefully you enjoy it and the rest of what's to come.
As always, thank you for the support and lovely comments; it really makes me happy to know you're enjoying the story :)