ChapterCXVIII
One Too Many Times
"Kakashi, kill me!" Rin insisted, hot on Kakashi's heels. "They're using me! I might end up attacking the village!"
"I promised Obito that I would protect you," he reminded her. "I can't do such a thing! There must be another way…"
Kakashi glanced back. In the distance, he saw their pursuers who were following them closely. The shinobi of Kiri were determined to get Rin back, who had been kidnapped by their hands several hours earlier. As soon as Kakashi had freed her, she had begged him to end her life in order to ensure the safety of the village. Obito's last words echoed in his mind like a rusty old record. With his fist on his heart, he would do everything in his power to protect her and bring her back to Konoha safely.
They were only a few kilometres away. But Rin was slowing Kakashi down considerably; she was not as fast as he was. Coming out of a thicket, they arrived in a clearing, in front of which stood a handful of enemies. Kakashi clicked his tongue when they landed on the ground. Besides, the group of attackers caught up with them. They were surrounded.
"Kakashi! You have to do it! You have to protect the village!"
"I'll find a solution!" he cried, lifting his forehead protector, revealing his Sharingan.
There were more than twenty of them and despite their rather desperate situation, Kakashi kept his cool. He moulded a large amount of lightning chakra in his right hand and rushed towards one of the enemies to strike him with his Raikiri…
At the last moment, Rin stepped between them…
The momentum of his blow could not be stopped…
His hand struck lightning and pierced her heart…
"Ka… Kakashi…" These were the last words of Rin, his precious friend, whom he had sworn to protect.
"Ka… Kakashi…" He heard them once again when years later, Haku sacrificed himself to save Zabuza by taking the Raikiri in his place.
"Ka… Kakashi…" And now he heard them one too many times.
His thoughts were a mess, as if he had a dangerously high blood alcohol level. His memories were fuzzy; images and sounds melted into one another. His mind was useless; putting the pieces of the puzzle that was his failing memory was equally impossible. He was confused and imagining the worst-case scenario. The more he remembered, the deeper he panicked.
He had regained his senses and not at the same time. The old demons that blackened his soul had resurfaced like a dam breaking, from which the raging water escaped in a torrent, carrying everything away in its path. And Kakashi was being dragged along; he tried in vain to cling to something and get out of danger; he would end up drowning if he didn't manage to get out of there. Moreover, he didn't realize that he was cradled in Naruto's arms, or that his hand was clinging to his hair and its twin to his student's jacket; at that, he didn't feel the sharp pain in his right wrist like his burning cheek, soon charred with pain.
Kakashi had finally convinced himself that he had murdered Naruto in cold blood … after agreeing with this darkness in him to get rid of Shikamaru.
He saw Naruto again before his eyes. Naruto had gotten between him and Shikamaru, thus taking his deadly attack head on. He wore the same expression; the scarlet rivers at his lips were also the same. Once again, he had killed a person he had promised to protect at the cost of his own life—probably the only person whose end he could not accept. In a flash, Rin appeared in his place; her bulging eyes expressed an inconceivable pain, that of death, that where death comes in suffering. His Sharingan released tears under his forehead.
"Ka… Kakashi…" Her ghostly voice seemed more real than real.
His hands weren't moulding chakra, but he felt the lightning pulsing in his palm, the shreds of flesh and organs still warm on his arm, the smell of blood forever trapped in his nostrils violated by a criminal scent… Kakashi hyperventilated, trembled, shivered, sweated … and his heart was exhausted because of the heart palpitations in his chest. He was helpless and came to moan, even whimper.
He was having a panic attack …—rather, he was in a state of post-traumatic stress, even if Rin's death had occurred fifteen years ago. By killing Naruto, it was as if he had never recovered from it.
While Naruto tried to whisper sounds intended to calm him by squeezing him tighter, Kakashi, in the middle of an episode, believed that an invisible force was holding him against his will, preventing him from leaving, from fleeing the reality from which he was trying to escape at all costs. This same force forced him to contemplate the irreparable consequences, which would haunt him all his life. He was crushed in this embrace that suffocated him. Kakashi struggled like a madman and was incapable of reason.
"LET ME GO! LET ME GO!" he repeated in despair, gesticulating in all directions.
Naruto pinned him to the ground, straddled him, held his arms and then his legs with his tail. As best he could, he tried to restrain Kakashi, who was once again a victim of madness. Kakashi's dark eye was blind and clouded with a watery layer; Kakashi couldn't see or hear him. The blond saw himself again nights ago, when Kakashi was in a similar state, inconsolable and unreachable. His eyes filled with water; he was alone and didn't know what to do. Then, Sakura's words resurfaced in his mind.
There is nothing to do except waiting. Hold him until it stops to prevent him from hurting himself.
He could only follow the instructions of Sakura, since she knew how to do deal with that unlike him. He could only wait, hope that Kakashi would come back to him, come back to his side… But the situation seemed to be getting worse than anything else.
As for Kakashi, he watched his hands fall into his field of vision … including his killer hand, the one responsible for Rin's murder, the hand he had used to take her life. It had now committed three murders that he hadn't chosen to commit; it was possessed by evil and bloodlust, causing only fatal tragedies. Kakashi convinced himself that this darkness in him had nothing to do with it. This evil hand was the culprit. For sure, it had a will of its own.
He hallucinated the still warm blood of his closest friend on his right hand, dripping like macabre rivers. No matter how frantically he shook his hand, the blood refused to disappear—on the contrary, the quantity increased and increased.
Madness got the better of him and consumed him entirely.
Kakashi managed to slip his hand out of Naruto's grip and reached Naruto's shuriken case, from which he pulled out a kunai. Without hesitation, he rushed to stab this horror to put it out of harm's way… But Naruto stopped him just in time. He roughly grabbed both of his wrists and pulled them apart.
With determination, Kakashi fought even though he had no chance. He was determined to pierce his hand. "LET ME GO! LET ME GET RID OF IT!" he screamed.
The sapphire-eyed boy crushed Kakashi's wrist a second time, forcing him to drop his weapon, which fell into the grass. Despite Sakura's advice, Naruto had to do something. So, he resolved to the first idea that crossed his mind.
He grabbed him by the chin and lifted his head. When his glowing blue eyes caught Kakashi's gaze, the latter stopped moving completely. Then, he held Kakashi's inert head, which he delicately placed on the ground. While an acid began to dissolve his eyeballs and bloody tears ran down his cheeks, the blond had time to contemplate Kakashi's empty, blue and shining eye, demonstrating beyond any doubt that Kakashi was under the influence of his hypnotic powers. Gently, he slid Kakashi's eyelid over his iris … and his own eyes lost their light. Groaning in pain, Naruto wiped away the streams that were both scarlet and limpid.
He had used two spells.
The first had erased the evils that raged in his precious Kakashi's heart. After seeing Kakashi try to hurt himself, to harm himself, Naruto had no choice but to act to protect him from himself. He felt so guilty. By offering him the gift of the mark, he had also offered him a poisoned gift: a part of darkness. But one didn't go without the other; he couldn't spare him this curse. Now, this said curse had plunged Kakashi into a world of suffering and fear. Himself inhabited by this darkness, he knew Kakashi's dark reality now.
The second had made Kakashi fall into an artificial sleep. Kakashi's body was neither sleeping nor recovering; it was an illusion that convinced him otherwise. For his first spell to work, this one was necessary. That said, he didn't know when Kakashi would come to his senses, since he had stopped his technique too early to spare his eyes from too violent repercussions. His time was running out. His vision had to return before Kakashi woke up. Otherwise, Kakashi would discover the truth.
Naruto tenderly stroked Kakashi's cheek and despite his sorrow, he smiled. In the same way that Kakashi protected him from his demons, Naruto would do the same. In his own way, he whispered to Kakashi that everything would be fine and that Kakashi no longer had to worry. He had made the evil disappear forever.
Although he suffered from blindness, his chakra-enhanced nose replaced his blind eyes. He didn't have much strength left, and he didn't care.
All that mattered was his precious Kakashi and nothing else.
Carefully, he put one hand under Kakashi's knees and the other behind his back. He lifted Kakashi up, holding him carefully in his arms so that Kakashi would never fall. Kakashi's body was light and peaceful. His delicate and new scent was a sweet and floral scent, with a hint of cinnamon and lemongrass; this fragrance was sweet and unique, even enticing. Something inside him quivered and excited him when he deeply inhaled Kakashi since Kakashi had been marked; it made him want to hug Kakashi, caress him and rub himself on him… Of course, he shook his head every time these invasive and inappropriate thoughts manifested themselves.
Aware that an unpleasant human was spying on them and perpetually violating their privacy, Naruto erased his presence and that of Kakashi between two thickets of trees. Quickly, the individual lost their trace since he was no longer following them. Invisible to the eyes of the world, the feral boy quietly returned to the den without anyone seeing them.
Naruto easily found his way and put Kakashi on the sheets, in the nest. In the meantime, his vision was slowly returning; his eyes were still useless, although he could see grotesque and incomprehensible shapes. Carefully, he removed Kakashi's sandals, shinobi headband and green jacket.
A cold sweat slid down his temple. His violent blow had damaged Kakashi's face, and Kakashi had bled from his nose and mouth. The frustrating mask tightly sewn to the shirt was stained. As soon as Kakashi woke up, Kakashi would smell the blood and suspect something. After all, Kakashi was not an idiot; Naruto could not hide anything from him; Kakashi always saw through his little lies.
Naruto had to undress Kakashi and change the soiled shirt… However, he would expose the face that Kakashi forbade him to see. He didn't want to break his trust, but he had no choice. Besides, his eyes were lined with darkness; he wouldn't be able to register the greatest mystery of his life if he accidentally caught a glimpse of it.
The teenager took a deep breath to give himself courage. His raging heart was uncomfortable; he wanted to tear it off to relieve himself. He removed the shirt and the metallic one underneath; he pulled them over Kakashi's head…
Naruto froze.
Before his dull eyes was the precious face so close, so near and so … inaccessible. An irrepressible urge got the better of him. For the very first time, Naruto placed his palms on the face free of all constraints.
Focusing on the touch, he caressed and analyzed Kakashi's facial features. The skin was soft and strangely, no hair lined the virgin chin unlike him and the other males; he arched an eyebrow. As if he was touching an infant, Naruto slid his fingers on the thin, delicate and soft lips. He detected what he assumed was a scar under the lower left lip. Was that why Kakashi wear a mask? To hide a scar like Kakashi did with his left eye? No… That wasn't it. This scar was abnormal… It was round and small… Its texture was weird… If it wasn't a scar, the blond had no idea what it could be…
Next, Naruto opened Kakashi's mouth. He touched the fangs in the upper dentition. Because of the mask always stuck to the skin, he could never see them. Those little fangs were so tiny compared to his own. They must be beautiful and immaculately white. After all, they were his creation. He wondered if Kakashi was ready … if Kakashi would accept… He was dying to ask him … but he didn't want to rush Kakashi. He would wait for Kakashi to ask. And when that night came, Naruto would give it to him with a radiant smile, as much as Kakashi wanted.
Naruto shook his head. He had to stop dawdling. Kakashi could wake up in a few seconds or a few minutes… Alas, he couldn't know that…
Naruto used Kakashi's saliva to wipe away the blood residue that stained his wintry skin. No way was he going to use his own drool; it would betray him right away. He rummaged through the closet and found another dark, long-sleeved shirt. For some dubious reason, Kakashi owned more than a dozen of them… After finding the right way around the fabric, Naruto dressed Kakashi again and took care to pull the mask up over his nose.
He wanted … no, he had to see Kakashi's face…
But Naruto had to be patient.
One day, Kakashi would reveal this part of him to him.
He settled Kakashi so that Kakashi was comfortable. He covered him with the blanket and this time, he offered him a kiss with his lips on his forehead. He missed the long silver hair … and Naruto ordered them to grow faster. He gave his precious Kakashi a final caress on his cheek and left the nest, taking the bloodstained shirt with him. He didn't want Kakashi to find it. Like him, Kakashi could differentiate bloody scents. Kakashi would have no trouble smelling his own scarlet fluid on his own shirt.
In the bathroom, Naruto turned on the tap of the water source, the one intended to produce hot water. He placed the top under the jet, which gradually became boiling, and set about finding the soap for clothes by sniffing the bottles. He poured a small amount before scrubbing the laundry. The water burned his hands; his skin reddened. He bit his lip to endure the pain that made him shudder. Nevertheless, he finished deleting this carmine liquid likely to destroy everything, annihilate the protective shell that he had granted to the precious human to his eyes.
As best he could, he wrung it out by twisting it… The fabric remained wet, no matter how many times he repeated the operation… He couldn't put it away with the others. Inevitably, Kakashi would take an artificial rain to clean his body; Kakashi boarded the glass cage absolutely every night. The chances of Kakashi getting his hands on the wet shirt and Kakashi questioning him afterwards were too risky.
Naruto scanned the surroundings frantically. He saw the wicker basket, in which Kakashi kept the dirty clothes. Naruto stuffed it between two piles of fabrics, unseen. From then on, he begged for it to dry before Kakashi do laundry.
His task finally done, Naruto returned to his precious Kakashi.
Kneeling in front of the nest, Naruto waited patiently for Kakashi to wake up.