Chapter 49
Pure moonlight filtered down from the crack above, casting the inside of the cave in a silvery, ethereal glow. Even without a fire, there was enough light for a human to move around with no issue.
Inuyasha himself didn't even know about this particular characteristic of his chosen hideout, given how he'd only visited this place on nights with no moon.
His attention was drawn to a certain human, a tendency he'd noticed of late and totally given up on breaking such a habit. Tucked in an alcove in the back—in which the head room was lower and generally more enclosed—Kagome was mostly hidden in her bedroll and the dark.
Out of the two of them, he hoped at least she'd have an undisturbed sleep.
What a fucking day.
Even now, after the evening had settled and so had the silence, he was still trying to wrestle down his frazzled youki. It was hard to believe that just this morning he'd been obliviously hunting deer, so secure in this new rhythm of life.
He should've known, should've kept his guard up even after the seemingly peaceful spring and summer. Then it wouldn't have hit him so hard, he might've been able to be useful, somehow negotiating a better interim solution.
Sure, by his standards, everything had gone down relatively peacefully. No bloodshed—at least not by his hand.
But his bar was fucking low.
Instead of the dumb, snarling idiot he'd been, he should've done better by Kagome.
The way it turned out, it could hardly be worse for her.
She'd lost everything she'd worked so damn hard for these past moons. He'd watched her struggle and now finally, finally, she was getting settled, climbing up in the human world. She would've been respected as a miko, would've found her own place here in this world.
But guess what? She had to be 'friends' with a damn hanyou and of course, that fucked up everything for her.
Inuyasha barely stopped himself from slamming a fist into the rock beside him, lest he wake the subject of his ruminations.
Digging his claws into his palm, he focused on the sting to tamp down his self-loathing.
At the time, his heart felt like it swelled too large for the confines of his chest. The feeling of being defended—protected—for once in his life was exhilarating. It reminded him of the way it felt to soar in the sky.
Kagome believed him, without him even working for it, or launching into a lengthy explanation. And completely of her own volition, she'd taken the nuclear option of removing both of them from the village.
Together.
It still boggled his mind. Why? It made no sense.
Kicking him out of the village would've been the more rational approach. He allowed himself enough hope to believe that if she'd done that, her and Kaede would've worked to clear his name. After that, Kagome would've tried to bring him back.
This? Nope.
Sure, the kid was smart and she'd probably figure something out sooner or later. But at this point, they wouldn't know, couldn't bank on that happening. And well, Kagome sure as hell knew that by leaving with him, she'd be blowing up any sort of predictable plan for the foreseeable future.
But she did anyway.
There was a rustling of fabric and his eyes darted immediately back to the girl in question. He watched her toss and turn, wiggling desperately to find some position that gave her some comfort.
Inuyasha glowered.
Of fucking course she'd be restless, she was sleeping on literal rock.
Because when you're in with him, that's all you fucking get.
His eyes wandered the space they were in. It was a decent enough place and he'd been lucky to come across it early on when he'd just arrived at Kikyou's shrine following rumours of his sword.
And since then he'd treated it as some of hideout. A place to stash things he'd come across in his runs through the forest. There were a surprising amount of casualties, both to demons and bandits. And though he was ashamed to admit, he was not above scavenging for any useful items.
After all, the dead was the dead and how the fuck else was a hanyou supposed to get his hands on this stuff? It wasn't like he could saunter into a market and buy it. Funny how even objectively precious minerals suddenly lose their value when offered by clawed hands.
Contrary to common belief, he didn't live like an animal and preferred having tools.
Sometimes he cursed this human nature too. As much as he wanted to ignore it, it was still insistent on showing itself in ways different from his youkai side.
A part of it was the impulse to have a physical space. Calling it a 'home' made him cringe, but a hideout was ok.
God knows he needed that. Moonless nights were just barely survivable with a secure location to wait out his temporary vulnerability.
Inuyasha just never thought he'd have to bring Kagome here. Sure, there was that one random thoughtless time, but he'd never thought she would actually had to stay here.
If he'd known, he'd...
As if he'd suddenly been drenched in icy water, cold sweat broke out as his thoughts finally arrived at a conclusion he'd been avoiding to acknowledge head on.
Kagome might have to stay here with him for many more moons... and winter was just around the corner.
It might be strange to admit but there were actually regular gaps in his memory. From the fateful day he lost his mother and the only grounding element of his life, Inuyasha merely survived.
When times were particularly difficult—harsh winters being one such example amongst others—his mind would simply retreat.
He'd fall into a trance. One thing his youkai blood wouldn't ever do was to let him die, so he'd just surrender into it. And then as the snow began to melt, he'd wake up one day and acknowledge that he was still alive, still breathing and that the last winter failed yet again to take his life.
Maybe it went to a bit far to call it 'disappointment' in his vital status but he found it hard to rejoice either. When you're an outcast no one knows about, when you have nothing to look forward to except to justify your existence again and again, life isn't all that enticing.
That's why he couldn't tell, even if he actually tried, how long he'd been alive. How many turn of the seasons had it been since he'd been unmoored from a somewhat stable existence and left to wander by himself
He vaguely recalled spending winter near here even though it wasn't until early spring that he approached Kikyou's village. So he shouldn't be flying completely blind.
His eyes settled again on Kagome's sleeping form and for a few moments he simply watched the slight rise and fall of her breathing.
Inuyasha clenched his jaw.
Well, he'd have to fucking do better now. He would have to remember what he did last winter, what and where the sources of food was.
He can't fail her.
She believed in him and she chose him, so he'd just have to not let her down.
That's right. If nothing, he was a fighter through and through.
Tomorrow he would do a good scour of the area, clear out any sort of youkai that might be a threat. And then start stockpiling wood and whatever's edible he could find in the area.
Having an inkling of something he couldaction upon, at last, seem to quiet down the restlessness in his blood.
He recrossed his arms, rested the back of his head against the rock behind him and closed his eyes.
His ears twitched, picking up on Kagome's steady heartbeat and the slight whistle of the evening breeze filtering through the gap above.
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Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. However, this plot, the exact sequence of words and any original characters described therein, I reserve all rights to.