A/N: Hello hello hello world! This is a pretty long authors note that you can skip, no worries; but if you want to know by all means.
I know, I know what you are about to say. Hey danawrites, why on God's green earth are you uploading a new story, and not an update on your already started, and pretty much on hiatus, stories (like for over six months)?
Here is the thing, short form: I rewrote, way too many times (a disrespectful amount of times to be honest) the next chapters on Only a Matter Of Time (OAMOT). This is what I get to show for my unchecked perfectionism. I decided to revise the story in general; and it still needs polishing. Vastly. Now that doesn't mean that it will be spotless or perfect, I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I want to make it as good as I possibly can. Now, don't fret! I have in my possession a chapter (^almost) done in this new direction. It's up to 5k words (maybe more), pretty extensive for my standards, and a lot of things happen! I will try to post it asap. If you want to know more, go to the author note at the bottom.
So okay, with that out of the way. Yes, this story! This is just a story I need to get down to get the creative flow back on track. Allow my brain to think of something else. This is where I will try to not overthink too much, be rough around the edges and hopefully that means I can be far quicker (I do want to emphasize the word try). I hope you like it too, this is a short story, few chapters (either 3 or 5 but we will see), sweet, sappy, a little dramatic and serious, and an AU. Of course it is an acting AU, and it's quite OC, yeah. We are in film awards season people! (If the award's shows ship has already sailed, welp, imagine I'm on time).
Last of all, as per my usual style: Italics are inner monologue. Enjoy!
Rachel sat down in an uncomfortable chair. In front of her, a perfect blonde. Right everything; height, proportions, eyes and smile. She adjusted into her seat, trying to evoke the sort of confidence that people assumed she naturally had. Mysterious, somber, somewhat arrogant. All those things her character was, and she told herself she wasn't all that much. Out of the corner of her eye she saw her partner for this interview. Aline. Pink hair and white dress to match. Bold choice to keep her hair dyed. Strapless, thigh split, nine-inch heels. She looks beautiful today.
Raven looked back at the camera and put her best bored face, trying hard to ignore, and downright repress, the blush she could feel creeping up her neck. She could hear her heels clacking faster, in sync with her pounding heart, until there was only her heartbeat. She turned fully and saw Aline stumbling with the rubber cables on the set floor. It wasn't enough to make her fall, but enough to make Rachel smirk. When will she learn to not use heels if she doesn't know how to walk them? After angry puffs and huffs from the sound and light crews, Aline was all miked up.
"Oh, are we rolling?" Her relaxed tone took the attention of the interviewer from her, and she let a sigh escape. "Hiya, nerd." Her voice sweet, too sweet for a casual acknowledgment. What are you up to?
"Hello to you too, Aline." Rachel replied calmly, focusing her attention on her. Why on Earth did West let her go? Aline Haiden sat next to her, smiled and played coy for whoever the blond was. She came closer to her and whispered. "Hot gal alert." Although she wanted to roll her eyes at the antics, Rachel refrained; Aline had done the same since they were teens. She had quite the roving eye. And meanwhile the blonde in front of her was surely attractive, she was far more entertained with the woman next to her.
In the years they had known each other, Rachel had never said anything out loud, not to her, about her, at least. Not really because Jumpwool's film industry was cutthroat and not particularly amicable to 'publicly' out people, no matter what their 'inclusive' campaigns said, but because she had never seen Aline ever think, in the slightest, about her as something else than friends. No matter how painfully obvious she had been. Aline backed a little and smiled that ten watts smile of hers to everyone on set. Rachel couldn't help but return the gesture to her, and only to her. Get over yourself, goddamit.
Aline proceeded to chit-chat with the interviewer for a while with what sounded like good questions, but Rachel was genuinely lost on her matching hot pink lipstick. Strawberries or roses? Maybe cherries? Should I even ask later? Oh, Aline, it's just because I want to know if I should buy one. Yes, absolutely! I am going to wear a hot pink lipstick. I know most of my lipsticks are black, but hey, that's why I want an expert opinion on this color. Does it taste good? Can I try? It's for…research purposes. All of the sudden, silence could be heard on set, and Aline had invaded her personal space with that jasmine perfume of hers. "What'cha thinking about girl? You. Specifically, do your lips taste like cherries?
"Nothing." Rachel pretended to be enigmatic, and smirked right away, letting Aline despair about it. Am I making you mad with uncertainty? At least that is what she told herself. Aline flashed a slightly playful smile, but gave her that classic concerned look of hers, gesturing discreetly at the lights and cameras in front of them. Yes, I know we are being filmed. I will try to not be 'weird'. Rachel returned her the look, gradually erasing every trace of emotion of her face, just as she had trained for. Aline nodded and returned to the blond without much of a second thought. Maybe, she doesn't care all that much what goes on in my head and is far more worried about the interview. This is her first big role after all. Don't worry, I would never embarrass you in your media debut.
Aline sighed as the interviewer was given flashcards. Raven closed her eyes and wiped her monotone face to let her 'media charisma' fall into place. The interviewer regained the over-the-top cheery personality they were known for. Interview time.
"Thank you for choosing us, we have the two big stars of this longed-for show! Today with us, Rachel Roth and Aline Haiden! Let's dive right away, shall we? Rachel, there were a lot of rumors about you and your interest in this particular character. Why did you wanted to play Raven so badly?" Okay, jerk. She moved her head to the side, as if she was thinking of her answer, but she had already memorized it in her media training last week.
"Why not? She is incredible, her arch, I dare to say, is one of the hardest ones I have seen. She embodies, in a nutshell, the nature versus nurture debate. She has impulses, but she has been taught discipline. She actively needs to choose between good and evil everyday, having incentives and consequences for either. How far would she go to do good? Or evil? It's a matter of principles and how much you can sacrifice for them. What price is too high to pay? Is there any? I see a philosophical debate with every choice she gets. And that is thinking most of the choices she is faced with are ultimately hers to decide. Are they?" So far so good. The blue eyes of her morning interviewer gleamed with what she could only describe as a 'gotcha excitement moment'. Was that not enough? Will she ask me about-?
"Yes, that is very interesting. But with all the connotations around her and your background, it must have been a hard character to play, right?" Background? She will, I can't believe it. This topic alone was specifically stricken in my contract. Rachel breathed in sharply, as discreetly as possible. "I guess it has its difficulty, but I don't think of her as a complicated role to play, on the contrary-."
The blonde put her hand out and interrupted her mid-sentence. This…woman. "I think, what we all want to know, is if your personal history helped you to portray her?" Rachel arched her eyebrow in her signature look. Aline turned to look at her worryingly. She knew that the blonde was asking about and why she was 'touchy' about it. She lived it with me. Aline was ready to jump in and strongly interject, her eyes hard on the woman in front of them, but Rachel gestured her not to worry. She is not going to drop it. Fine.
"Sure." Not going to get more of me. Rachel backed into her seat slightly, crossing her arms across her chest, and Aline put a familiar and comforting hand on top of her thigh to reassure her. Warmth rushed through her, and she inadvertently shifted her stance towards her.
The blonde opened her eyes widely and smiled like a Cheshire Cat. Uh-uh. She rushed through the notes she had brought, and in a matter of seconds, Rachel could feel how the balance of the interview had shifted. She was no longer in control, the blonde was. She looked at both of them with a lethal look. Now what?
"Well! You know I have to ask this to both of you! -" Their interviewer said with a gleeful tone, as Aline jumped the gun, interrupting her, and Rachel could see her brain working overtime to process what exact words she had said. "I know Rachel here takes all the questions, of course, she is the star…Um, but, hit us!"
Aline looked at her sheepishly at her, as the blonde grinned in bad faith. Rachel dropped her hand on top of hers, giving her a light squeeze to ground her. You got this too. Aline smiled at her coyly and looked at the camera with those bright eyes of hers.
"Whose idea was it to make you two a couple?" What? Once again, the set was filled with an uncomfortable silence as everyone looked at each other perplexed. What an odd question.
"Um." Aline seemed at a loss for words, as she tightened her grip on her tight, her knuckles becoming white with the pressure. Rachel moved her hand and finally held hers. "Well… the script called for it." She was stumbling in her response, and Rachel could only clench her jaw tightly. "You see-"
"I have several sources that told me that you two weren't scripted as a couple, that it was a later addition." Fucking hell. How does she know that? "Moreover, for a series that tries so hard to be a canonically correct interpretation, downright to every detail in costume, characterization, set; changing the direction of both of your characters' love interest is fascinating." The interviewer spoke calmly, dangerously so, spewing facts about the details Rachel was so adamant to get right when filming. I don't like that smile. "Because it changes the whole overarching plot. In the original story, both of your characters had their own scripted couples, Beast Boy for Raven and Kid Flash for Jinx. Logan, old friend of yours, was casted for Beast Boy and West, Aline's ex-partner, for Kid Flash." What is she getting to? "What happened to them? Why did you both push the story towards a same sex couple story? Is it because you thought it was better for this particular story, or because it felt more 'comfortable' that way?" What the fuck is she actually implying?
Rachel turned to look at Aline. She was completely stunted. Whenever someone brought up 'the topic' or something close to it, Aline froze. At his point, Rachel's love life was an open secret, but Aline was a private person, about that side of herself. Rachel watched as the blonde was salivating for the answer and Aline just couldn't come up with anything. They were many compounded questions in her rant. The blond had set them up, and whatever they said next, not only could, but would be analyzed, dissected, exaggerated, or distorted, depending the bias of the media outlet in question. It would reflect on them and their team, not only professionally, but also personally. There was no going back from whatever they said. She is not going to out her, nor tank her first interview. Rachel turned back to look at the interviewer, she had a smug smirk plastered all over her face. The words came out of her mouth before she could stop it. "It was my doing."
"Rachel?" The blonde asked shocked and mildly annoyed she answered instead of Aline.
"One of the most used dynamics between couples, in fiction, are opposites attract. Raven and Beast Boy fit that description to a tee. It is a powerful dynamic, but it is complicated to truly do it justice. I feel 'opposites attract' only truly works when both of your characters have a compatible core. If not, the couple is in eternal tension, and while entertaining, it never gets that rawness of human emotion. The bond that is encouraged will not be as deep as a bond you can create with two characters that are similar, but that have different perspectives. And therefore, it feels forced. We are made to create scenarios only dedicated to advance their relationship, that need to be there to justify it, instead of letting the story take you to an organic couple. In a different degree, that is the same flaw Jinx has with Kid Flash. Now it is true, Beast Boy and Kid Flash were shunned for who they were, both put in a situation where both had to survive alone so both could have a common ground to understand some of their issues. But here is the thing, Raven and Jinx were considered the devil, because of their supernatural abilities. I feel it is a whole different conversation." Before she could continue defending her decisions, Aline took the opportunity to step in with confidence.
"Raven and Jinx make sense. They are also opposites in a way, both took a different approach to their powers, both had different backgrounds, but I think they are, also, more similar than anyone expected." Right in the middle of her speech, Aline stopped looking at the interviewer and found Rachel's gaze fixed on her, beaming with pride. Assured, Aline turned back to the blonde ready to finish this interview on top. "Meanwhile there have been some attempts to portray them as counterparts, reflecting on them as a couple is something no one has canonically explored before, and I'm happy I get to explore it with someone as Rachel." Proud of you. Both actors looked into each other, not moving for the last seconds of the interviewer's time to get the last frames. They are going to absolutely use this shot as the thumbnail. And for the look of it, Aline thought the same.
Rachel was waiting for the crew's instruction to cut, but it didn't come. The blonde scoffed. "Well, I know a lot of fans out there will be thrilled with that answer! But I keep desiring to know, did you had to push hard for it?" Isn't her time over? God, she is not going to let go, is she?
"Why would it be hard?" Aline replied earnestly, not knowing Rachel had to fight tooth and nail in way too many writer's sessions for the couple to even be on the show.
"With the current climate" Oh, god. "It seems it was a complicated choice, wasn't it? I'm sure fans were expecting, reeling for the relationship between Jinx and Kid Flash, don't let me start with Raven and Beast Boy! Both 'ships' are a fan favorite! How confident are you this was the right choice? To deviate from the original story? Specially now?" Rachel opened her mouth, but Aline beat her to the punch.
"Well, this series is about exploring the unknown. And, I don't know if you knew, but Rachel is not only a gorgeous face. She plays for two. Not only she acts, she is a writer of the show. Don't tell anyone, but Rachel here was in the conceptual meetings for many of the comics. If anyone knows what she is doing is her." Aline shot her what Rachel interpreted as an admiration smile, and that got her confidence right back up.
"Thank you, Aline, and yes. That is at least true for the rebirth of the series, many ideas were explored during that meetings. Who are they? What are they made of? What happens to them if pushed to the most dire situations? Who will break? It was easier for me to introduce the idea to the director, and I don't want to spoil anything, so I will just say that this story is far more riveting on its implications than the original." There, anything else?
"Wrap it up!" The bark of the sound director made relief wash over her. It's over, thank God.
"Well girls I just have one more question for you today. Between your characters, was there a happy ending?" The blonde interviewer was right back at her cheery tone, with than fake smile of hers ready on frame. Rachel turned to Aline and egged her on to finish. She took her chance, claimed with mystery. "You will need to wait and see!"
"Thank you, girls! I am Jane Costa for H-News."
With that, Jane stood up from her chair and didn't bid farewell to anyone in set. Uff, her bosses are not going to like that she didn't get any more out of us. Rachel relaxed on her seat and closed her eyes. That was close. She had us. A delicious familiar jasmine scent invaded her personal space again. Rachel kept her eyes closed, enjoying the aroma, and suddenly she could feel long strands of hair on her face. That isn't mine.
"How many more to go?" Aline's deep husky voice sent shivers down Rachel's spine. She tried really hard to not squirm from underneath her, but it was proving almost impossible. Aline had stood up and stretch on top of Rachel's chair, trapping her legs within hers, her hands on the armrests, and her hair blocking their faces from the camera. A light shiver escaped her but tried to match her energy.
"Four more until lunch break." Rachel replied with just as seductively. She opened her eyes to find Aline's gaze fixed on her lips. What are you thinking of Aline? Rachel let a mischievous smile form on her lips, and Aline's eyes traveled fast to hers. Busted.
"Oh my god." Aline's words came in a whisper, her cheeks gradually acquiring a rosy tint. I like that. Rachel couldn't think, her eyes travelling to her lips. Slightly parted. Pinky and inviting. Should I? Screw everything else? Aline was deep in thought, and Rachel managed to free her hand, to grace her cheeks.
"I know." Rachel said carefully, analyzing every detail on her face. Is that a yes? A no? A I only care about the interview? Tell me. Aline smiled coyly, and slowly stood upright, leaving her utterly baffled. Well, what the hell was that! She backed away to check something on her phone, and Rachel could only watch how she smiled at her phone. Right. Right. Nothing is ever going to happen between us. Why can't I move on?
A/N: If you want to know more, let me divulge. This is about OAMOT. I have been experiencing something I'm sure everybody that writes also experiences. I don't want to classify it as a simple writer's block. Maybe it is, really; but at the same time, I think it is more, or something on top of that. Dissatisfaction. I had the next chapter ready a long time ago, but once I read it with fresh eyes, I didn't like it. Not only the way I had written it, the arch; the plot, the actions that transpired. It wasn't what I thought it was. I have an idea on my head of what I want this to be, and if the idea in my head is fully detailed, 8k resolution, the thing I wrote was as pixeled as you can get, maybe even a similar image, but not it. It just wasn't doing any justice to what is in my head. So, I stopped, reflected and decided to get some structure. A proper timeline to put the important things (according to me: fragments, events, mindsets) that I wanted to happen, and build up from there. Meanwhile it is not finished, I have a start, a finish line and the main ideas down. It wasn't easy, and I kept coming back to change several core aspects of the story (I like to think overthinking will pay out this time, fingers crossed). I thought I had done the difficult thing, and what followed would be a walk around the park. Well, that was a mistake.
Onto problem number two, I needed to get it into words. I come again to the same issue, the skills I have right now don't fully depict what I have in my head. I know, practice makes perfect, but I didn't like it enough, and for a while I just stared at a blank page. It was overwhelming to stare for so long at nothing. I grew sick of it and finally I stopped altogether. Took a break. What started as a few days, turned into weeks, and the everyday worries of life got the best of me. But it was always in the back of my mind. Eventually I came back to the trenches. I decided to grab pieces of what I had, make a Frankenstein and polish it until I like it enough.
I tried, really, really hard, to convince myself that it was fine, but deep down I couldn't lie to myself. I didn't like it. I despaired a little when I realized that no amount of polishing was going to save it. I needed to start fresh, but I still couldn't write a whole new paragraph, let alone a new chapter. With sheer discipline I made something that I was willing to post, but here comes the next issue. I had inadvertently started my episode six months into the future of the story. I didn't want to throw away my hard work, and I tried to adapt it, trying to tell the story from a retrospective point of view. Raven would be doing something, and have a flashback of sorts. But again, I didn't like the way I wrote it. I wasn't out of the woods yet. I kept looking for advice online until I stumbled up with a phrase: write in a show don't tell kind of way. I decided to give it a try, and again, I scrapped what I had, saved some parts for later and write again.
Eventually, I managed to get something I liked enough. But when I read the text altogether, what I had uploaded and what I intended to upload, the difference in quality (I like to think) is somewhat noticeable. And I want oh so desperately to rewrite the chapters I already uploaded too. But if I do that, I fear I will end up uploading something new in the next six to eight months. I had to make a choice, either restart and polish what I uploaded and then post, or post and polish later. It's a hard choice, on one hand, I don't know how many people will stay reading what I now consider a little hard to read to get to the new chapters (maybe it's okay, it's fanfiction for heaven's sake, and probably the magic is just gone because I read it over hundred-ish times in the last months). On the other hand, delaying it even more isn't great for the ones who are already hooked on the story and it would reinforce my bad habits. So, post it is.
I want to share part of the chapter for anyone that stayed here. Thanks! You get a peek: Raven finally allows herself to see what is really happening, and what really happened to her. It's a hinge episode, as I like to call it. Now, there are moments that are rough, emotionally, both in what is written and what isn't. I think actions and omissions are as important, and sometimes not doing something means as much as doing something, or even more. I don't know if it's enough to tear up, but, I know I hit some nerves while writing it. Raven won't have a lot of time to process the significance of what is happening, but as they say, the writing is in the wall, in big bold bleeding red letters. It will be up to her if she continues to ignore it or not.
I went on a rant didn't I? Well, I just hope everyone out there that took the time to read me has a great day, evening or night. Toodles!