hi, quickly posting another chapter for you guys!
My sister is visiting from across the country this week, and my job is entering its busy season, and I start classes again on Tuesday for the fall semester. so I think updates will be further apart now :(
I wanted to leave you with something a little more yummy than the last chapter to hold you over. so...
Rated M scene ahead!
enjoy xoxo
disclaimer: I own nothing
They sit on the couch together, laptop on the coffee table in front of them. Both with a refilled glass of wine. Jess is waiting for Rory to say something, but he realizes after five minutes of silence that's probably not going to happen.
"So…last I read, your mom was supposed to get married but decided not to and took you on a road trip to visit Harvard."
Rory nods, "Yes, any notes on that?"
He gives her a look, "You know I will send them to you when I'm done. I'm here to see what's coming up, to give me a better idea of changes that might be needed. So, what did you write next?"
She closes her eyes. "Jess, I don't think I'm ready to give you your chapter yet."
"My chapter?"
"Yes! Your chapter. You know, you entering my life. Shaking everything I thought I knew up. I don't know if I want you to see that right now."
He smirks slightly but sighs and nods his head, "It's fine. Let's skip it for now. I'm not sure I'm ready to read how much I did, or didn't, hurt you either. I'm not sure which would be worse really."
She looks at him sympathetically, "I'll give you a spoiler. I do realize that our relationship problems were caused by both of us. I don't blame you for anything."
He shakes his head, "You should."
"Jess…" she whispers, but he shakes his head again.
"What comes after my chapter?"
"Um…well my first year at Yale."
He nods in understanding, "We can skip over my parts of that if you want. I'm sure there's much more to it than me making an ass of myself twice. And don't even bother arguing with me about that, we can fight over it another time."
She scrolls through the document on her computer, "Okay. It starts here."
She points and pushes the laptop towards him. She bites her nails as he starts to read quickly through it.
"It sounds like Yale was tough for you at the beginning," Jess says softly, as he scrolls through. She nods and looks down at the coffee table, tracing the lines in the wood with her fingers.
"Must have been hard being away from your mom. And that batshit town that loves you so much."
"And you," she whispers, not looking up. He takes a deep breath beside her and places a hand on one of hers as he continues to scroll through the document. A few minutes later, she feels something vibrating in her couch. She stands up and pulls cushions out, looking for the culprit. She finds her phone stuffed between a cushion and arm rest. She looks to see that Logan called, again. And apparently, he had been calling all day; she had fifteen missed calls from him. She rolls her eyes and puts her phone facedown on the coffee table.
Jess turns to her once he gets to the point of the firelight festival.
"It's brave of you to share these feelings of failure and loneliness. It will create a deeper connection with your readers. But…this feels darker than I expected. Have you been doing okay? With writing this I mean? I know you're still grieving, but I had hoped maybe writing would help you process stuff and get your mind on happier memories. For example, why didn't you go into more detail about the first night at Yale with your mom? I'm sure it was some sort of epic sleepover party. You discuss how bad it felt to be away from her, but not how hard she tried to make it feel better. Or talk more about Paris, I'm sure there are a ton of anecdotes involving her. You've established yourself as an amazing student and bookworm in past chapters, but you only detail the negative parts of your scholarly endeavors at Yale so far. You practically dismiss all the hard work you did to try and keep up with your class load."
She's gnawing on her lip as he finishes.
"Um. Honestly. It's been really hard," her voice cracks and Jess's face drops.
He waits for her to elaborate but when she doesn't, he nods and turns back to the document. Her phone goes off again, she quickly leans over and hits the volume button so it stops.
"Have to say, Dean's name is coming up a lot more than I expected at this point of the book…"
Her phone goes off again, and between the sound of it vibrating and the anticipation of what Jess is about to read she's feeling overwhelmed and antsy. She chugs her wine and dances her fingers on her legs. She sees Jess get to the bottom of her word document and she stands up to pace the room. He side eyes her but goes back to reading. A few moments later he sits back on the couch.
"Huh."
She stops pacing and stares at him, waiting for something else. He runs his hands through his hair and looks up at her.
"I basically pushed you into Dean's stupid beanstalk arms," he rubs his hands over his face, "I'm such a jackass."
Rory is alarmed, her whole body frozen and her jaw dropped, and once again her phone is vibrating. She picks it up off the table and throws it on the floor.
"What are you talking about?! It was all my fault! I freaking slept with Dean while he was married!"
Jess stands up and gets closer to her, "Yeah, after I freaked you out so much you needed safety."
"Stop, I did this to myself. And then I did it again with Logan! Why didn't I learn my lesson?!"
"Rory, Dean was the one married! He told you it was over. That's not your fault. He's fucking scum taking advantage of you like that."
Rory stomps her foot, "No one took advantage of me! I believed his stupid words; I think I even wanted to believe them because I so desperately wanted to be comforted. I'm not a helpless child despite what you all might think! I'm just as much to blame!"
"That's not what I'm saying -"
"I can't do this anymore Jess. I can't do it."
Jess stills, panic coursing through him, "Do what?"
"I can't write, I can't go through all of this crap again. It's destroying me! Every time I sit down and write, it's like opening old wounds and letting them bleed out, but I can't close them back up. They all flow into each other and I see how every dumb thing I have done stacked up to build this failure of a person I am. I've been crying for days. I can't even cry right now because I'm dried out. There's just nothing left in me."
Jess relaxes and places a hand on her arm, "Rory…why didn't you tell me it was so hard?"
Rory shakes her head, feeling frustrated with herself and the situation. She grunts, pulling away from Jess and exclaims,
"Mom's right this book is just going to be a showcase of Gilmore mistakes!"
"Everyone makes mistakes. That's why it will be a book people love. It's relatable."
"Not like me! I ruin marriages! I ruin lives! I'm a human bulldozer."
"Hey, I've slept with someone who was in a relationship before. You're not alone."
Rory pauses her tirade, "She was married?"
"Not married exactly…but she was in a long-term relationship. She didn't even tell me it was over; we were both lonely and wanted company. It was circumstance, and comfort, just like your situation. And her relationship was most likely longer than Dean and Lindsay's so that means something."
Rory scoffs, "Yeah. Right. It means that the town hoodlum has refined his moral compass beyond the princess's!" Jess flinches.
She finally starts to cry, "God that was rude, I'm so sorry Jess. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve that. You're just trying to help me and I'm taking shots at you because I'm miserable."
He slowly approaches her and pulls her into his arms.
"Rory…you're in a bad place right now and all you can see is the bad stuff. But your life is so much more than that, you're so much more than that."
"I'm a mess. Mom was right. Why am I doing this? It's just going to show the world how horrible of a person I am."
"No. You're Rory. You're kind to everyone, you have the biggest heart, and you're a Gilmore. The book will show the truth. That the Gilmore girls are strong, enigmatic women, but you're also human."
"I'm not kind to everyone. When I first started as a writer at Yale Daily News, I wrote a really horrible review about a ballet and said mean things about a dancer. She wrote 'die jerk' on my door! I am a jerk."
"No, you're not. You were a critic, and she was an artist; that's just how those relationships go sometimes."
"And I was mean to Shane!"
He looks at her in disbelief, "You're going that far back? Of course, you were mean to Shane. I shoved our relationship in your face every chance I could. I wanted you to be mad and get mean. I instigated it."
"Stop excusing my behavior!"
"I'm not excusing it at all. I'm just trying to get you past it. It all happened, you can't go back and change it. Do you want to stand here and name all of the good things you've done? Because I can tell you for sure it's going to take a hell of a lot longer than listing the shitty things. Starting with all that you've done for me alone will take at least a few hours."
At this, she calms in his arms. She squeezes him tighter and whispers, "I'm not strong enough to finish this right now. And the ending was supposed to be this beautiful, full circle thing where now I'm going to have a Gilmore baby and I'm going to try my hardest to give them the life mom gave me. It doesn't make sense now."
Jess sighs and holds her silently for a few minutes.
"You don't have to go faster than your own pace, Ror. There is no rush. The story will always be there, and if anything, there will be more to add to it the more time you take. I understand that writing about your personal life sometimes feels like stabbing yourself in the gut over and over. But some days it should feel beautifully nostalgic, it should put a smile on your face. I know you've read my books, and I'm sure you've seen some of our history integrated through my stories. I screwed up a lot and some of that has been brutal to revisit, but other times it feels good. Like the night I crashed your car. Everything that happened before that moment makes me smile. It was easy and enjoyable to bring into my work."
She leans back to look at him, his sympathetic eyes meeting her stormy blues.
"It hasn't put a genuine smile on my face since that day before the wedding, when I told you about the three chapters. It just hurts Jess. It hurts so much."
He nods and moves his hands down her arms to hold hers.
"It shouldn't feel that way all the time. Now, it's not easy. But you know that. And I know you, and I know you're strong enough to handle it. But it's not a race, Rory. It's stupid to force yourself to do something that continuously wrecks you inside when you're perfectly capable of doing something else and coming back to it when you're ready."
"But what about Truncheon? Aren't there due dates I'm expected to meet?"
He shakes his head, "You don't need to worry about that. We didn't even get to give you an advance yet, it's going to be fine."
"Ugh and speaking of money…I still have no prospects for getting some."
"Well, I could find you something at Truncheon like I said before. The guys sent me back with a ton of work, help would be great."
She shakes her head in response, "Thank you, but I can't accept that, Jess."
He nods, having expected that answer.
"Or…"
"Or?" She questions.
"You can answer that phone call you've been ignoring all night and take the opportunity to ask for some help."
She looks taken aback, "What?"
"I heard something vibrating earlier. While you were getting all cute and I was making dinner. I was hoping it was a sex toy so I could relentlessly tease you."
"Jess!"
"But I found your phone in the couch and saw his name. I put it back where I found it, figured you probably shoved it in there for a reason."
"He's been calling all day. I don't want to talk to him. We haven't spoken since our last night together." Rory mutters.
Jess bites his lip and runs a hand along his jaw as he gets a sudden idea. It's risky, but he's never shied away from that. He recognizes that Rory needs a push, or she will never get out from under the dark cloud she's been putting all of her energy into. She needs to ask for help, whether she likes it or not. He proceeds with confidence and a small amount of scrutiny.
"Though if you think about it, Logan was kind of a sex toy, right? Or would you be considered the sex toy? He was the one engaged to be married, so one would assume he was playing with you."
Rory's jaw drops and her face turns red.
"And hey, I know you said earlier that he never took anything seriously. I'm sure that got better as he got older, right? I'm sure he took everything involving his affair with you very seriously. Like birth control. I'm sure he was very diligent about using protection, even when the two of you got drunk. You did get drunk together, right? From what I remember, it was something he enjoyed."
"Jess!"
"And did the grand gesture thing stop too? Did he finally realize that the way to your heart isn't elaborate, and not to mention, expensive, grandiose displays?"
"Why are you saying this stuff?!"
"Or did he distract you enough to ignore the fact that the two of you were doing something wrong? Maybe he got you so distracted, you forgot to take your birth control pill."
Rory is bright red and huffing, "What is wrong with you?!"
"You mad?"
"Yes!"
"Great," he smirks, "take it out on the blonde dick." He picks up her vibrating phone and holds it out to her. Her jaw sets as realization dawns on her.
"You're no better, playing mind games with me!"
"I don't think I said anything that wasn't true! If I did, please, feel free to correct me."
"I did not forget to take my birth control!" She exclaims, but then more quietly says, "I may have taken it a little later than I'm supposed to, but I didn't forget."
He nods, "Because you were..being wooed? Dazzled? Taken on a grand adventure to end things on his terms?"
She rolls her eyes, "No! Shut up. Maybe. He turned all of Stars Hollow into a wonderland. It was impressive. He had the best intentions. He isn't a monster, Jess."
Jess looks at her knowingly, "Uh huh. And how many times did you sleep together that night? Your very last night together, I'm assuming you guys probably wanted to 'make the most' of it. So, he waved a bunch of shiny, sparkly fun in your face and screwed up your routine, you both got drunk, and who the hell knows what he did after that."
Rory releases a petulant groan and stomps her foot.
"Stop. I don't want to talk to him! He just wants to tell me his wife is pregnant which I already know!"
"Okay, you want me to talk to him?" Jess holds the phone, that's vibrating again, near his ear, "Been a while since we've sparred. I have so much more ammo now. Could be fun."
She looks up at him sharply, "That's not funny!"
"We could discuss his obsession with length again. I'll ask him how long he was engaged for before he started sleeping with you, how long he waited to impregnate his wife after his last escapade with you," Jess catches her eyes intentionally, before he pushes a little further, "I might even ask him how long your orgasms lasted with him. I didn't time it, but I am confident in saying the two, no three, can't forget the shower, I have given you have lasted close to a minute each. You think he can measure up to that?"
She shoves a finger in his chest, "You are pissing me off, Jess."
He grabs her finger and opens her hand to place the phone in it, "That's the point. Take it out on Logan. He's the reason for how you feel right now. He's the reason you were almost a mom, and then suddenly not. Take it out on him and then take the opportunity to help yourself get a job that you actually want. If you can't write the book anymore, I know this is still your dream. And you deserve to have it."
She shakes her head fiercely, "I can't do that. I told you I don't want to do that. I want to get work on my own merit."
Jess rolls his eyes, "Rory, be real! You know firsthand how difficult that is these days. It's all about who you know, and you happen to know, very intimately, one of the biggest names in the industry. Your pride is going to keep you from changing your life for the better."
"I don't want to condone that! It's not right. I didn't date Logan or have an affair with him to get a job that I want. I had feelings for him."
"It doesn't matter, Rory. You've tried to get around it, you've worked your ass off trying to prove yourself worthy. There is nothing wrong with asking for help with this. And from him of all people! Don't you think you've suffered enough? You had to go through a pregnancy shock, and then a tragic loss without the support of the father, the man that impregnated you after you told him you were done seeing him."
"I could have told him about the baby! It's not all his fault."
"And what would have happened if you did? He would have suddenly become someone that knows how to be there for you? Would he have told his wife and dropped everything to support you? Or would you still have been a secret that he reached out to now and then to check on, huh? By the look on your face, I have a feeling it's the last one."
"It doesn't matter, I don't want to talk to him," Rory affirms, in quiet anger. Jess realizes it's time to ease off a bit, before he actually pushes her away.
"Well, I have a feeling he's not the type to stop at a phone call. Right?"
Rory doesn't respond but crosses her arms and stares at the floor.
"Bet we'll see him at your door by morning. We can ask him then."
She looks up quickly, "We?"
"Oh yes, I'm definitely staying now to see if I'm right. I've never actually been in a building when a helicopter lands on top. Think we will hear it? Maybe even feel it?"
His joke seems to disarm Rory a little, her arms drop to her sides.
"Helicopter? He lives in London! You can't helicopter that long over the Atlantic Ocean."
"No, no. Obviously, he would take the private jet first to New York and then helicopter here to save time in traffic. Money is no object for him, from what I gather."
Rory rolls her eyes, "You're being so insufferable today!"
"You love it."
"I do not!"
He looks her up and down, cheeks blushing and bottom lip in her mouth, "Then why do you look all hot and bothered?"
Her blush deepens but she doesn't move or speak. He steps towards her and places his hand on her face. He pulls her lip from her teeth with his thumb and traces her mouth. She trembles under his touch, and in a second is pouncing him, kissing him passionately and wrapping a leg around him. He smirks into their kiss and reaches a hand under her other leg, picking her up. She moans and wraps her legs tightly around his back. He blindly finds the nearest wall and pushes her against it, pushing his hips into hers. Her hands are tightly wound in his hair, his hands on her ass, guiding her to meet his hips every few seconds. They keep this up until Jess can't take the constriction of his jeans anymore and carefully pushes back from Rory to take them off. She takes the opportunity to remove hers and her shirt, standing before him in the sexy bra and silky, cheeky panties she picked out earlier. Jess bites his lip as he runs his hands from her neck down to her hips, tracing the outlines of her breasts and grasping her hips hard.
"Turn around for me, let me see the back," he demands huskily. She spins around and he groans. He sinks to his knees, setting himself in front of her ass. He grabs one side with his hand and brings his mouth to the other, taking a bigger bite than he meant to. Rory yelps and he licks at where he left teeth marks to soothe her.
"Sorry baby, I got excited," he mumbles between kisses, "it looks like a peach."
She giggles at his words, but it turns into a moan as he switches to passionate kisses on her cheek, gently biting and sucking at the skin there as he squeezes her other cheek with his hand.
"God Jess," Rory moans, "are you giving me a hickey?" He smirks and gets to work on doing just that, while his hand moves from her other cheek and reaches to her middle to rub languidly outside her underwear. She moans again and he can feel her wetness seeping through the thin material.
He removes his mouth from her ass to look at his work, and grins at the budding purple and red mark he left. He stands up, both hands traveling up her body as he does so. Still facing the wall, he finds her wrists and pushes her arms roughly against it.
"Oh!" she exhales. He moves her hair off of her shoulders and places kisses repeatedly from the nap of her neck to her shoulder blade. One of his hands goes around her hips and into the front of her panties. She mutters his name as he plays with her, moving his fingers along her slit and occasionally rubbing circles around her bud.
He removes his hand and spins her back around, capturing her mouth in a fiery kiss. She takes the opportunity to put a hand down his boxer briefs, squeezing him gently in her fist.
"Fuck," he groans and pulls at her underwear, tugging them down her hips, and as they fall to the floor, she kicks them to the side. She pulls her hands away from him and beckons him to follow her to the bedroom. He takes his underwear off as they get there, and she opens up a dresser drawer to get a condom. She turns towards the bed and throws it on top, then walks over to Jess who is completely naked now. She kisses him and runs her hands down his built chest, his cut stomach. She moves a hand in between his legs and strokes her hand slowly up and down his dick. She pulls away from his mouth and trails kisses down from his neck to his hips, getting on her knees as she goes.
She looks up at him as she takes him in her mouth and deeply enjoys the look of arousal for her on his face. He grows harder seeing her round blue eyes confidently watching him.
"Oh fuck, Rory," he moans as she bobs her head steadily, tracing all over him with her tongue as she does. His hands are in her hair, gently supporting her movements. The warmth of her tongue has him throbbing, and it takes intentional restraint to keep his hips from bucking into her.
As her mouth gets used to the size, he hits the back of her throat, making his leg twitch and a deep moan escape him.
"Baby, your mouth feels so good," he grunts out, "but if you don't stop, this will be over soon."
She slowly removes him from her mouth with a proud smile. He places his hands on her arms and helps her stand up, dragging her over to the bed and tossing her against it softly. She is laying off the side, her feet just brushing the floor. He takes the condom and kneels down between her legs. He licks in dizzying circles around her clit while placing the condom on; he is filled with urgency and desire now, wildly piqued by the unexpectedness of Rory fucking Gilmore's mouth pleasing him. He can tell that her desire is intense too by the incoherent noises coming out of her, as well as the slickness around his tongue.
He stands up and pulls her hips slightly more off the bed, grabbing onto them. Her legs instinctively go up around his neck and he hastily pushes into her. They both groan as he moves in out of her. He leans forward to meet his lips with hers, pushing her legs towards her head and bending her in half. She enjoys the strain of it, and especially enjoys his hard body pressing against the back of her legs. He removes a hand from her hip to find her clit and starts rubbing it back and forth roughly; his other arm moves from her hip to the bed to support his movements. She bites his lip, moaning through her teeth and he increases the pace of his hand and thrusts. They stay locked in devouring kisses as Jess's body frenzies to bring them both to a satisfying end. The position that they are in is making it hard for her to breathe but she doesn't care because the weight of him on her mixed with his unceasing movements has her whole body on fire. She breaks away from his mouth to try and get some oxygen, while squeaking "Fuck Jess" repeatedly. He utters an, "I know baby" and thrusts deeper into her while switching to rubbing her in circles with two fingers. Her breaths are rapid and as she feels she's about to come undone, she turns her head and bites down on Jess's thick forearm. She screams into him as her body unleashes her orgasm. She can't keep her legs in place from trembling, and so they fall to the side of Jess's body. He takes the opportunity to plunge far into her rippling center, and, taking a note from her, he leans down and captures her right breast in his mouth, biting down as he finishes with a jolt between her legs.
"That was amazing, but I thought I was going to pass out towards the end. I couldn't breathe." Rory states, after finally catching her breath. Jess pushes his body off of her. He places a hand on her face and plays with her matted hair.
"We did have you in a difficult position, didn't we?" he smirks at her, "Was worth it though, right?"
She smiles and nods.
"So worth it."
He leans down to kiss her and then pulls out to throw away the condom. She backs herself up to lay properly on the bed, and he joins her a moment later.
"I should probably let you know that I'm enamored with your mouth. Even more than before."
She tries to bite back her smile, "Oh yeah? Well, it's about time. I've always been fully enamored with yours." His smile broadens and he leans over to give her a gentle kiss. He breaks away and runs his fingers through her hair.
"Still mad at me?"
She sighs, "I'm too…satiated to be mad."
Jess brings her hand to his mouth to kiss it.
"Good. Sorry for pissing you off but I had to do it."
"But why? I'm confused. Why are you encouraging me to use Logan?"
"It's not using him. He believes in you and your work, right? I can't imagine you being with someone who doesn't."
Rory shrugs, "I think he does. But I did get help from him before and it didn't really do any good. Part of that was my fault but…"
"How did he help?"
"I wanted to get a position at Conde Nast. I applied and they kept pushing me off. So, Logan offered to have his dad say something, and he did, and I got an interview, they gave me a story to do but I just couldn't hack it. It was about lines."
"Lines? Conga lines? Coke lines?"
"Waiting in lines for new things and why people do it. Anyway, they didn't really seem interested in me, it felt more like they were doing a favor for Logan's dad Mitchum by seeing me. They were nice about my past work, but they just kept asking me about what I'm doing currently. Making me feel so incredibly irrelevant. So I wasn't excited about the piece at all."
"Ah. His dad a jerk too?"
"Logan's not a jerk. Not always anyway. But Mitchum and I have a history. I interned at a newspaper with him while I was at Yale and at the end of my internship, he told me I didn't have what it takes to make it in journalism. That's actually why I dropped out of Yale. It felt like my whole future was demolished. And I stole a yacht that night."
"Are you kidding? What an ass. You're a great writer" he runs his hand up and down her arm, "we'll get back to the yacht thing another time. But, anyway, maybe that had something to do with it, Ror. Maybe he really did just call them and ask for a favor. Doesn't sound like he gave them any indication as to whether they should hire you or not. He might have even said something stupid or disparaging about you to them. Why didn't Logan do it?"
She shrugs, "I don't know, I guess his name doesn't carry as much weight. Or he was afraid it would look shady, which was totally understandable. But the point is, I don't think he can help me."
"I do. It's going to require more effort on his part, but you deserve it."
"It's not like that, Jess; he doesn't owe me anything."
"Rory, I'm not saying that he owes you anything. I'm saying that you need help and he's someone that can help. And that out of the two of you, you've dealt with the brunt of what you guys did the most. If I were Logan, god help me, I would use any connections I could to get you into a job you want in a heartbeat. You can deserve something without it being owed to you."
"But he doesn't know about the baby Jess! And I don't want to tell him."
"That's fine, you don't have to, though I personally think you should. It should be enough that you're asking at all. If he knows you well, he will know how difficult it is for you to do that."
"He does know. When I asked for help with Conde Nast, he was great about it. He told me not to be embarrassed."
"See? He will help you. I knew the guy had to have some redeeming qualities. A total jackass wouldn't make it past your door. I would know."
She shoots him a concerned look, "You've never been a total jackass."
"I guess technically you did let me in your door at Yale…" he shrugs.
"Anyway, I still don't understand why you're pushing it."
"Because Rory, you're…standing in one place. I'm just trying to get you to move."
"What does that mean? And why aren't you pushing me to work for Truncheon then?"
"I do think you should work for truncheon in the meantime if you need to. But it's not going to make you happy and that's all I want. I want you to be happy. And as much as I hate that it's true, Logan can help get you there more than I can in terms of your career."
"What do you mean I'm standing in one place?"
Jess sighs, "Let's talk about it tomorrow. We just burned a lot of calories, so I think it's time for dessert."
He gets up off the bed, finding his underwear and putting it on.
"Dessert?" Rory questions, smile forming on her face.
"Did you think I showed up without dessert? I'm no amateur, Gilmore. I know if I didn't, I would have ended up having to go out in the freezing cold to pick you up something sweet after dinner."
"What kind of dessert?" She sits up.
"Stay here, I'll bring it to you. Find us something stupid to watch on your little bedroom tv."
She pouts, "It's not little, don't hurt its feelings. It's just a baby. It's all my grandmother had in her storage."
"I'm not judging, I think it's cute you needed a tv in here in the first place. Your living room is approximately ten steps away and has a life size television screen."
"But I can't watch tv in bed from the living room."
"Silly me. I'll be back." He leans in and pecks her before walking away, "by the way, you should check out the mark I left on your ass. Not to pat myself on the back, but I did some magnificent work."
She gets up and turns around in her mirror. A thrill shoots through her as she catches the bruise like mark, the shape of his mouth, on her bottom. She grins and then slips into pajamas and under the covers. She turns the tv on and flips through, trying not to think about Jess's words. She settles on "Bewitched" reruns and Jess walks in with two bowls and hands her one.
"Apple pie and ice cream?"
"Thought you would like something homey."
She smiles softly at his thoughtfulness. She wants to tell him that spending time with him feels like home, that he's the person she is the most comfortable with. That she would happily spend a thousand nights eating dessert in bed with him, watching old tv shows and talking endlessly but she can't get the words to come out. It feels wrong to tell him that, to give him hope for their future when she is still so unsure about everything else.
After dessert, Rory switches the light off and they lie in bed together. Jess holds her in his arms, her head on his chest.
"See what I mean about having sex? It feels…right when we spend time together like this."
"That doesn't mean it can't feel right at other times," Rory replies quietly, still holding on to some irritation from the texting issue.
"No, but has the potential to feel wrong. Meaningless. Friends with benefits type crap."
He doesn't mean for it to sound bitter, but it comes out that way. He has put his heart on the line getting involved in all of this with Rory without any promise of a future, and well he doesn't regret it because he knows it's going to help her in the end, it hurts that she won't openly or freely acknowledge her feelings for him. It's like when she kissed him at Sookie's wedding and then said absolutely nothing to him all Summer. She clearly feels something for him, but so far, the focus of their relationship has been on dissecting her past and her present issues, and him soothing her mostly self-inflicted wounds. He's done a lot, and he will continue to do more, but something has to give.
"Jess…I still haven't had the time or mental capacity to figure this thing out."
He doesn't respond, just stares at the ceiling. He doesn't think he's asking for much. At the same time…she's experienced something he will never have to feel himself, and can't imagine how difficult it is. He knew from the start he has to be patient. And it's a struggle, but that's why he is still here with her.
"What does our future look like to you?" She decides to bravely ask.
"That's not fair Rory. You know that."
"What do you mean? I don't get to know how you feel?"
"I won't put my heart on my sleeve just for it to be worn out while you decide," he replies and she shrinks in his arms, and he realizes again his words came out bitterly.
More softly he says, "We said together. We would figure it out together. Not one of us puts our feelings on the line and waits for the other to catch up. Though if you've been listening to me for the past almost month, you can easily figure out what it is I'm hoping for."
She realizes what he's saying then; his visit to Yale, him saying he loves her. Of course he won't do that again. He won't directly put his desire out into the world for her to stomp on, but she knows he's given her clues. And she knows she shouldn't ask for more until she's ready to spill her own feelings, her own fantasies about their life together.
"I care about you, Jess." She whispers in the darkness. He puts his free hand on her head and strokes her hair.
"I know. I care about you too," he replies sweetly, "But it would be nice to have more than that at some point."
She doesn't know what to say, because she doesn't know what she has to offer him past this moment.
"Hey, you know what I just realized," he breaks the silence.
"What?"
"You found your underwear."
She laughs, "I did. You like what you've seen so far?"
"I adore what I've seen so far. I always suspected Rory Gilmore to only own sensible undergarments. I'm not mad that I'm wrong."
"Oh, I do have some sensible stuff, I save them for Shark Week."
"Shark week?"
"Mhm. To most just a yearly Discovery Channel event. To me, a monthly occurrence."
"Clever. I still want to see the sensible stuff. Fulfill my teenage dreams."
"I do not have my Chilton uniform here, so don't get any crazy ideas."
"Ugh, you're a dream crusher."
"Not that it would fit anymore anyway. My hips seem so much wider than when I was a teenager. My boobs are bigger too."
"All welcome changes."
"Maybe for you."
"Definitely for me, and for you too. Your hips are sexy, they're my favorite part of you to grab on to. And the curve from your chest, to your waist, to your hips…your body is hypnotizing."
He traces this outline on her body with a finger as he speaks. Her face heats up, and she gets that butterfly feeling in her stomach.
"You make me feel so good about myself sometimes."
"Good. It's what I want. I told you I want to make you feel good in every way."
She turns so that the side of her face rests on his chest. He runs his fingers through her hair and kisses her on the head.
"Doesn't it feel good that you found your underwear?"
She chuckles, but he continues, "I'm being serious. Remember how I told you it was just a rut and things would get better?"
She nods against him.
"We'll be having a similar conversation in a few months. The struggles you're going through right now will be gone, or at least feel easier, before you know it. Promise."
She thinks about his words and closes her eyes, exhausted from another day of heavy emotions and conversations. But the warm body next to her reminds her it all isn't so bad, and she has someone amazing on her side. She eventually drifts to sleep to the melodic beat of his beautiful heart.
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