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hope you like this chapter! Always a little intimidating writing Lorelai and Rory conversations.
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Rory is shaken awake hours later, and by the feeling of Jess's body curled up behind her and his arm across her stomach, she knows it can't be him. She opens her bleary eyes, blinking in the early dark and orange sunlight.
She looks up and meets a set of blues identical to hers, "Mom?"
Lorelai smiles down softly at her, "Hi babe."
"What are you doing here?" she whispers, trying not to wake the man next to her.
"We left Nantucket as soon as we got Jess's messages. I'm so sorry that husband of mine is still living in the 19th century. We didn't see them until I forced Luke to plug his dead phone in. Why didn't you call me?"
Rory shrugs slightly, "Jess didn't want me to, and it wasn't my place to make that decision."
Lorelai sighs and nods, her eyes drifting over to his body on the bed. She kneels down to sit on the floor and continues whispering to Rory.
"So, have anything you want to tell me now?"
Rory turns her body on its side carefully under the weight of Jess's arm.
"I have a boy in my room," she smiles at her mother, repeating Lorelai's words from years ago. Lorelai breaks in to a humorous smile and giggles quietly, "do you feel as weird about it as I did?"
Rory shakes her head in response, and admits gently, "No. Not at all."
Lorelai takes her hand on the bed and squeezes it, "Good. That means that it's right."
"I think so too. Mom…me and Jess are dating and kinda have been since Thanksgiving."
Lorelai gives her a bright smile and grips her hand tighter, "I know, honey. But I'm so happy you finally told me. Though 'dating' sounds a little tame for you two."
"With everything going on, we talked and decided we would keep it in this place for a while. Not yet too serious, but not…friends with benefits."
Lorelai's brows furrow, "If you say the word 'casual' I will strangle him in his sleep."
Rory rolls her eyes, "Not casual. Definitely not casual. Just…no pressure. Because we both know where this is going one day. There's no rush."
Lorelai's face relaxes at that, and she runs her thumb over Rory's hand, "That's very mature of you two. God, I wish I had that kind of awareness when Luke and I dated the first couple times around."
Rory shakes her head, and it's her turn to squeeze Lorelai's hand, "No, it worked out perfectly for you guys. Look where you are now. Married. Happy. Fulfilling family obligations together."
Lorelai laughs at that, "Emily certainly is an obligation."
"Mom…" Rory chides, "how is grandma anyway? Still scaring children?"
"Yes, she's had the monopoly on that since 1968 you know."
"You weren't scared of her as a kid! I've heard the stories. You were defiant."
"I was just a scared little girl hiding behind my attitude. I always thought she might send me off to boarding school or something."
Lorelai's face turns solemn for a moment, but Rory doesn't push to hear her thoughts. Only a moment later, Lorelai breaks into a wicked grin.
"So…how is he in bed?"
"He's amazing," the two women jump slightly at Jess's mumbled response.
"And so humble too," Lorelai quips with a roll of her eyes.
"Sorry did we wake you?" Rory asks, sitting up in the bed.
"I don't think you two know what whispering sounds like," he replies, turning to lay on his back now.
"Oops, you heard our whole conversation?" Rory looks down at him, blush rising on her cheeks. He smirks, "Yes, and I'm glad you don't feel weird about having a 'boy' in your room, though I am sure I've proven to you by now that I'm a man." Her blush deepens and Lorelai scoffs next to her.
"Gross!"
"Says the woman who just asked her daughter about her sex life," Jess mutters, throwing an arm over his eyes to block the growing sunlight, "what time is it anyway?"
"It's only gross when one of you bring it up," she argues and stands up from the floor with a quiet grunt, "It's around 6am. We got the last ferry at 8:30pm, and then drove straight here and passed out for a few hours. But Luke has an internal alarm clock that I haven't been able to shut off so now we're both up again."
Rory yawns, "So we have to be awake too?"
"You, yes. I didn't mean to wake Jess up since I didn't know he would be sharing this tiny bed with my daughter. Sleeping together out of wedlock, the horror!
Rory rolls her eyes, "Why do I have to be awake?"
"We need to talk. Remember? You said we would talk when I get back, well now I'm back!"
"Mom…" Rory groans, "Right now?"
Lorelai huffs, "Rory, do you know how worried I have been about you? I'm dying for you to give me all the puzzle pieces of your life lately. And…" her eyes flick to Jess and then back to Rory, uncertain about sharing something.
"And what? Jess knows everything. More than most..."
Lorelai grimaces momentarily but adjusts her facial expression so as to not hurt her daughter's feelings. It won't help to give her a hard time about anything.
"Your grandmother mentioned to me that Logan's wife is pregnant, and that she told you about it. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to hear that Rory, is that why you've been so weird about the baby lately?"
She somehow manages to squeeze onto the edge of the bed, and Rory visibly stiffens next to her. Lorelai sees Jess's hand move to meet Rory's and her daughter relaxes. Her chest warms at the gesture, and she feels both a gratefulness for her daughter having Jess, and also a wistfulness at memories of being that person for her.
"Kind of, but there's more to it than that," Rory finally responds in a sullen whisper, then she looks up into her mom's face, and Lorelai can't help noticing the nervousness etched all of over it, "Why don't we go have coffee and talk?"
Lorelai and Rory sit across from each other at the kitchen table with steaming cups of coffee. Rory looks around, taking in her surroundings and flitting through memories of other conversations in this room with her mother. When Lorelai stayed up with her to help her study for a Shakespeare exam at Chilton, then fell asleep at the table with her. Or when she yelled and demanded Rory would need to go on the pill after her and Dean fell asleep at Miss Patty's. The morning after being arrested for stealing a yacht, Lorelai making her feel slightly less bad about what she had done with her mockery and playfulness. When Lorelai walked in on the aftermath of Rory losing her virginity to Dean. And more recently, and a more pleasant memory, Lorelai giving Rory her blessing to write her book.
It seems only fitting she will tell her mom about the miscarriage and everything else in this room as well.
Rory is brought back to reality from her thoughts as she feels Lorelai's warm hand on top of hers.
"We've been through a lot in this room, huh?" Lorelai states, like she watched all of Rory's previous thoughts play out. Her shoulders relax slightly, and she nods.
"I have a feeling this is about to be a memorable moment as well." It isn't a witty comment and isn't said lightly. Rory can hear and feel the anxious undertone of her mom's words. She decides to just come out and say it so they can get past the catalyst of everything else. She takes a deep breath for courage and releases it shakily.
"Mom…" she starts and pauses to gather herself. Lorelai tightens her hold on her daughter's hand and gives her an encouraging nod to go on.
"I had a miscarriage."
Lorelai's jaw drops silently, blue eyes widen and scan over Rory's body as if she is looking for proof. Suddenly, she shakes her head and takes both of Rory's hands in hers.
"Rory, oh my god. When? Why didn't you call me? Are you okay? Did Jess take you to the hospital? Why didn't you call me or Luke?!"
Rory bites her lip and shakes her head, "Mom. No. It didn't just happen," she admits, words dripping with unfounded shame.
Then in a whisper she confesses, "It happened the day before you got back from your honeymoon."
Lorelai audibly gasps this time and looks desperately into her daughter's eyes. For the first time possibly ever when talking to Rory, she is speechless. Rory can see her mind racing as her jaw moves ever so slightly, a sign that Lorelai is trying to make sense of her rushing thoughts. Eventually she squeezes her eyes shut hard and purses her lips. Then, quickly she gets up out of her chair and kneels next to Rory to hold her tightly. She accepts her mother's comfort easily, gripping onto her as tears start to fall down her face.
"I'm sorry," Rory croaks in her ear. Lorelai whips her head back to look at her daughter's face.
"Sorry? What are you sorry for? I'm so sorry that I never put this together! I'm…oblivious and neglectful. Just like when I left you in a bucket except much more serious! Rory, you have been hurting so much. I am so sorry."
"I didn't want you to know, you couldn't have known."
"Honey…" Lorelai looks into Rory's eyes and then hangs her head down, "I don't know even know what to say. What do you say when you've been thinking your daughter is pregnant for three months? Been bothering her about it, and rubbing it in her face? I told you before, I hate when I'm an idiot and don't know it. I'm sorry that I've been so pushy. I'm just…so sorry Rory."
Lorelai stands up and brings the other chair closer and sits down next to her, taking a hand in hers again.
"Mom…you don't have anything to be sorry for. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I just…I had barely come to terms with the fact that I was pregnant with Logan's baby and then suddenly I wasn't. And it felt like my problem, you know? It was my fault I got pregnant, I didn't want anyone else to have to deal with it. I thought I should grieve by myself until it felt right to tell everyone. I didn't keep it from you because I don't love you or don't trust you mom, it's the opposite. You would have been there for me and made me feel so much better and I just…couldn't allow myself that," her voice breaks harshly at the end of her desperate explanation.
"Oh Rory, you're breaking my heart," Lorelai whispers with tears in her eyes, squeezing emphatically on Rory's hands, "how could you ever feel deserving of that kind of pain? No matter what you think you did wrong, you're allowed to feel comfort and care and you do not deserve what happened to you."
Rory doesn't respond, but she leans into the comfort of her mom's hands and words.
"I know that I was not always a perfect mom, and I made your life harder at times when you needed grace, like when you dropped out of Yale. Or when you liked a boy for the first time and I went off about how he better be worth it, as if you had gotten pregnant at sixteen like me. Or, god, when you started forming a nice relationship with your grandparents and I tried to stomp all over it," she shivers at the reminders of her mistakes, "I regret that all so much, especially if that's the reason that you are so hard on yourself now. You're so kind and loving to everyone else Rory, you need to show yourself that beautiful kindness too."
Rory sobs at her words and Lorelai moves even closer to her and wraps an arm around her body. Rory leans her head onto her mom's shoulder, hot tears soaking through her sweater.
Finally, allowing this love and care into her life leaves Rory heaving, desperately clinging to her mother's comfort that she avoided for so long. She had thought she cried enough, that telling Lorelai about this would be easier at this point; at least in the way that it didn't wreck her emotionally. But she was wrong. Her mom's presence, love, and words soothe her into submitting to every lingering pain she's held in her body. She realizes she must have subconsciously held onto some of it just for this moment. She had been leaning on Jess, expressing as much anguish to him as she felt comfortable doing. But she was still missing this: her mother's unwavering love and support. The woman that knows all of her best and worst moments, that has, in her own way, helped her trek through treacherous situations even when she was mad at her. The one person that she actually believes when she tells her she isn't a bad person. Her comfort person that she has purposely tortured herself by staying away from. Her best friend.
Rory doesn't know how long she sits crying in the warm arms of her mom, but at some point she sees Jess step out of her room silently. He meets her eyes over Lorelai's shoulder, and she sees his chest heave slightly. She shoots him a small smile to let him know she's okay, and he returns it gratefully. He's all dressed and gives her a wave as he walks quietly out of the kitchen. She hears him wake Doula up, offering her breakfast at Luke's to entice her. And then minutes later, the front door closes. While Rory is grateful for the privacy, it feels weird not to have a piece of her support system close by.
Over the next hour, Rory lays out all of the other pieces of her life that she has kept from Lorelai. Including everything about things between her and Jess, which was easier than it felt as a teenager, and all the gritty Logan details.
"Jeez, Rory when did your life turn into a Soap opera?"
Rory shrugs, "Probably when I decided to start an international affair with my engaged ex-boyfriend."
"Hmmm, yes. That does have a soapy ring to it. Maybe instead of the book you should write a script? How about 'The Young and The Salacious' oh or - 'Days of our Gilmores'."
Rory rolls her eyes but laughs, "Those need work. But, no, I am not interested in writing a script about my 'salacious' life either. I need a break from revisiting my past."
"Really now?" Lorelai eyes her suspiciously, "You don't consider dating Jess and getting back in to journalism revisiting your past?"
Rory chews on her lip as she thinks about it, eventually shaking her head with a small smile.
"No, they aren't the past anymore."
Lorelai smiles at that and holds Rory's hand.
"I just want to say that, even though I wish you would have let me be part of all this, I know you did what you felt was right. I understand wanting to do it on your own. I mean, I left my parents a note when I went into labor!"
"I would never do that to you."
"I know. I'm so proud of you for getting yourself to this place, Rory."
"Thanks mom," she leans over and hugs her, "Jess helped a lot too."
Lorelai gives her a watery smile, "I'm grateful you felt comfortable confiding in him. He really is a good guy. He's always supported you, hasn't he? I just couldn't always see it."
"Always."
"He's your Luke."
Rory smiles wide at that and nods gently, and confirms in a whisper, "he's my Luke. There for me with so much patience and care."
"Speaking of that burly, patient man; how do you plan to keep Luke from going to London and strangling Logan?"
Rory's face blanches, "Maybe leave out the details when you tell him about all this."
"Nuh uh," Lorelai shakes her head, "I'm not lying to my husband. And you're like a daughter to him, you shouldn't want to lie to him either."
"I also don't want to tell him details about my sex life! You want me to explain to him we had unprotected sex four times without my knowledge?"
Lorelai winces, "Okay not the details, but he's going to want more information. Especially since you're asking Logan for help now with work."
"Ugh. Maybe you can just keep him busy with your body?" Rory raises an eyebrow and Lorelai giggles.
"Well, that's no problem but it won't be enough. And besides, I don't necessarily want to stop him anyway. Logan is a jerk."
"Mom! Him dead won't benefit me in anyway," Rory argues. They hear the front door open and Rory smells bacon and waffles.
"Right, right the whole dream job thing. I hate it when you're the Logical Lorelai," her mom rolls her eyes.
"That's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one," Jess mutters as he joins them in the kitchen, bags from Luke's in his hands.
"I'm going to ignore that comment since you clearly come bearing food for us illogical Lorelais."
"Sure do," he confirms, placing the bags on the table in front of them, "figured you two have babbled enough to be hungry as an army."
"Hey, Rory? Remember when I said Jess is a good guy?"
Jess's eyebrows shoot up at that and Rory sees a ghost of a smirk on his lips.
"Mom…"
"Just want it on record that it was a subjective statement that can be revoked or changed at any time," Lorelai gives them both a big, sardonic smile.
"No surprise there," Jess mumbles, grabbing plates from the cabinets and dropping them on the table.
"Thank you. Where's Doula?" Rory asks, filling her plate with breakfast food. Jess hands her a paper cup of Luke's coffee too, and she smiles wide at him, "You're a dream. I hope you have one for mom too."
"Of course, I'm not suicidal," he hands one to Lorelai as well, "and Doula's playing outside. It started snowing on our way to breakfast."
Rory's head swivels to Lorelai's and she smiles as she sees her mom's jaw drop.
"Snow! I didn't even smell it!"
"Maybe it's because you just got back from Nantucket, your senses could be all out of whack," Rory reasons with a sympathetic pat on her mom's hand.
"Or…" Lorelai grins and places a hand on Rory's, "It's a sign that everything is as it should be right now." Rory nods and swallows her emotions down. She stands up and quickly hugs Lorelai.
"I'm going to grab my coat! I'm not missing our miracle snow."
"I'm right behind ya, babe," Lorelai yells as Rory runs out of the kitchen.
Jess busies himself around the room, throwing out trash from the takeout he brought and putting on another pot of coffee when Lorelai stands up and places a hand on his shoulder. He tenses and turns around to face her, his features fixed in confusion.
"Jess…thank you," she chokes out the words, not because they are hard to say but because she feels an onslaught of emotions as she faces the man that has been there for her daughter when she couldn't be. A man that she has doubted, criticized, and even tried to ostracize from Rory's life. She's bursting with feelings of gratitude and regret, and she takes them both by surprise when she embraces him in a strong hug. He exhales sharply, and after a few moments of uncertainty, he lifts his own arms around her and hugs her lightly.
"It's nothing that she wouldn't have done for me," he replies, deflecting Lorelai's recognition.
"I know. But we both know not everyone treats Rory as she deserves to be treated," she pulls back from him and meets his eyes.
"I used to be one of those people," he mutters, swallowing down his own regret.
"Maybe, but that doesn't matter now because you do. And I know you always will."
He averts his eyes from her reassuring gaze and pulls back further from her.
"I just want her to be happy."
"God, you are just like Luke," Lorelai mumbles and he looks up to see her smirking slightly, "pretending like you had no part in turning my daughter's life around, making her feel confident again and pushing her to do hard stuff. Rory is tougher than she gives herself credit for, but I know it would have taken her so much longer to get to this point without you."
Jess shrugs off her words and crosses his arms over his chest.
"I told her to tell you, by the way," he whispers, looking away from her, "have been since she told me about the miscarriage. Just want you to know that."
She nods with a soft smile, "I believe you, Jess. I know we're on the same team now when it comes to Rory. And probably in the past too. I just didn't want to acknowledge it."
He doesn't have a response, but he meets her eyes now. Relief obvious in his face and body language.
"I think it's wise that you two are not jumping into the deep end just yet, with everything going on in both your lives," she gives him a knowing and sympathetic look, and then whispers, "but don't think that I don't know that you love her."
She squeezes his shoulder with a smile and then walks away to join Rory and Doula outside. Jess inhales deeply, trying to calm the electricity coursing through his veins as he takes in the conversation he just had. He can tell that Lorelai feels bad about how she has treated him in the past, and in her own way just apologized and gave him her approval and respect all in one fell swoop. He didn't think he would ever need or necessarily want that from her, but the feeling of acceptance rattling in his body tells him otherwise. It opens up images of his future with Rory that he couldn't have imagined before. Family dinners, visits to Stars Hollow that aren't painful, having less biased support from both Luke and Lorelai. Maybe even movie nights all together, something they never did when he and Rory dated the first time because of his reluctance to be around Lorelai and vice versa.
He has a silly thought that he's been welcomed to the family as an honorary Gilmore guy; but it's not all that silly, when it's something that brings him an unexpected feeling of wholeness and family belonging for possibly the first time in his life. And he realizes that he and Lorelai are a lot alike too, not just him and Luke. He knows from reading Rory's book that her mom relied completely on herself, only asking for help when it came to Rory's future. He has been on his own and had to rely on himself for a long time. He ran away not only to protect Rory, but to put in the work to figure out his future. Like when she ran away from home with Rory to forge her own path. They have faced similar difficulties and answered them by doing whatever was necessary. He realizes that's what kept them in a weird place for so long; Lorelai knew that he would do whatever was necessary to give himself a better life, and she somehow knew that would mean hurting Rory. The flipside of that is that she also knows now: he would do anything for her daughter just like she would.
And, not to mention, they both love her.
Once he shakes himself out of surrealness, he heads outside under the guise of taking out the trash. But of course, he can't quell the smile on his face as he steps on the porch and sees Rory, Lorelai, and Doula attempting to make a snowman with the little bit of snow on the ground. He takes out the trash and then walks over to them, smiling wider at their giggles.
"I think you may only be able to build Thumbelina at this point," he remarks, smirking at Rory as she attempts to make a ball with the soft, wet snow. She pouts and throws the ball of snow on the ground.
"Don't give up now Rory! Look, me and Doula almost have the base done," Lorelai argues, pointing to a sad collection of snow on the ground.
Jess bites back a laugh, "Maybe if you're going for a Salvador Dali look. That's not the least bit round and not nearly big enough."
"You," Lorelai pokes at his chest, "Why do you make me regret saying nice things about you so quickly?"
He raises his hands in surrender but can't the drop smugness.
"I'm just giving some constructive criticism."
"Jess! Instead of criticism, how about you help us?" Doula suggests, with her gloved hands on her hips.
"Even with my help, we will be here all day seeing as how this snow is basically liquid," Jess states, picking some up to exemplify how it falls right through his fingers.
"He's right. This is sad snow," Rory agrees, mouth still in a pout and arms over her chest. Jess bites his lip to keep himself from leaning over and kissing it right off her face.
"Fine," Lorelai rolls her eyes, "I guess our miracle snow can't be perfect. How about we go inside and watch a movie? And eat our weight in candy? That is…if you guys left me any after your sleepover the other night."
Rory and Doula gasp at the same time.
"How did you know about that?" Doula asks, eyes wide.
Lorelai grins and cackles in response, "I see all, little Brutus. I can't believe you would have your first Gilmore sleepover without me! I have only been asking you for, let's see, your whole life."
"She needed training, Mom! She couldn't just jump into Lorelai Gilmore level sleepovers. We had to work on her stomach, her energy levels, her appreciation of old movies. I promise, we were only thinking of you," Rory argues, winking at Doula as she speaks.
"Yeah I had to practice being a Gilmore!"
"And she did great," Rory insists.
"She did do great, but she threw up Swedish fish the morning after. She may need more training, don't go too hard today," Jess adds, throwing a look at his sister. Rory lightly smacks him on the arm.
"You just sold your sister out like that? Where does your loyalty lie, Mariano?"
"I think you know exactly where my loyalty lies, Gilmore," he winks at her, and her face turns bright red. Lorelai makes a gagging sound and starts to pull Doula towards the house.
"Come on Doula, they are more disgusting than throwing up Swedish fish. By the way, isn't it crazy that they come back up almost whole?!"
Rory laughs at that and watches as her mom and Doula go back into the house. She then turns to Jess who wastes no time in pulling her into his arms.
"You okay?" he asks with a kiss to the side of her head. She nods against him and holds him tighter.
"Yes, more than okay. It feels right that my mom knows everything now."
"Good," he mutters, pulling back slightly to kiss her lips. He looks into her eyes and can tell she is lighter inside; her blues are brighter. He smiles softly and she returns it, then leans in for a more passionate kiss. They break apart when they hear someone pulling into the driveway. Luke comes to a stop and just stares at them through the window in disbelief. Jess smirks and places an arm around Rory's shoulders as she sheepishly crosses her arms over her chest.
"Do you think he's going to have an aneurysm?" Jess mumbles into her ear. She hits him lightly on the chest.
"He shouldn't be surprised. I mean, mom wasn't at all."
"Luke is more of a needing to see it to believe it type of guy. And this is the first time he's seeing it. Wanna give him more of a show?" he turns to face her, half his mouth turned up high. Rory blushes and rolls her eyes.
"Don't torture the man, he's always been a Jess and Rory supporter! Let's go see if we can coax him from the truck."
Rory steps away from his arms and he slowly follows her to the truck. Luke gets out as they get closer.
"Hi Luke," Rory says brightly, giving him a quick hug. He blinks and looks between the two of them.
"You," he points at Rory then at Jess, "And you? Wow. I mean…wow," Luke stutters, a smile growing on his face.
"Come on Luke, you had to have known. You're married to my mother, and she knew without us telling her."
"I had my suspicions," Luke shrugs, "And your mom is not the most trustworthy source of factual information. Unless it's about movies, which are mostly fictional, so still - not the best source of factual information. Like when she decides the foods on her plate are mad at each other. Or that you have somehow been kidnapped when you don't answer the phone."
Jess smirks at his uncle's rambling, "You okay there, Uncle Luke? You're starting to sound like Lorelai yourself."
Luke rolls his eyes, "Jeez, can you stop calling me that? I'm fine. I'm…happy for you two. I really am," he pats Rory on the shoulder, and she hugs him again.
"Thanks Luke."
"You have some time to talk now?" Jess asks him, face quickly turning serious, "I wanted to talk at the diner, but Doula wouldn't leave my side."
Luke swallows and looks intently at his nephew.
"Sure, but I brought some stuff to make hot chocolate for the girls. Want to help me with that?"
Before Jess can reply, Rory steps in, "I'll help Luke. I need to talk to you too and would like to do it before Jess does, if you don't mind?" She looks to Jess for approval, trying to convey the message that she just doesn't want to put him in a position to lie to Luke since he still doesn't know the truth about everything. Jess smiles gently and nods.
"Okay," Luke nods, grabbing bags from his truck and leading them into the house, "I use the stove though, not that microwave crap so try not to hurt yourself."
Jess laughs at that and kisses Rory on the cheek before she follows Luke into the kitchen. Lorelai and Doula shout their hellos to Luke from their place in front of the tv in the living room.
"Okay, I'll handle the stove stuff and you can start getting the ingredients ready. Here," he places cocoa powder, sugar and salt in front of her. Rory looks over the ingredients and then up at Luke.
"So…do I just open these things and mix them all together in one big bowl?"
Luke sighs, looking at the giant container of cocoa powder and shakes his head.
"You know what, I have a better job for you. You can be in charge of toppings. So, you just sit here, at the table, away from the stove, and I will hand you mugs of hot chocolate when they are done. And you can finish them off with marshmallows and whatever other rotten toppings you girls want to ruin your teeth with. Sound good?"
His rant makes Rory smile wide, "I missed you Luke."
He looks taken aback for a moment but then smiles and pats her on the shoulder, "I missed you too."
Then it's silent as he starts to make the hot chocolate. She's grateful for his patience and quiet, giving her room to decide when and how to tell him whatever she needs to say. Luke purposely comes off as disgruntled and impatient to most people, but she knows he is truly one of the most understanding people, and not just to her. He may get irritated with the way things are done, or with the endless sarcasm that comes at him from Jess, but he is compassionate and stoic when it matters, and he somehow always has a sense of when that is needed. The similarities between him and Jess don't go unnoticed by her.
It's not until he has placed the three mugs of hot chocolate in front of her and she's filled them with candy canes, marshmallows, and whipped cream that she decides to speak.
"Luke," she says, and he turns from the stove to give her his full attention. She looks up at the ceiling for a moment, trying to figure out how to say it. Although she loves and trusts Luke, it's harder to discuss the details of her own body with him than her mom and Jess.
"Something happened and," she starts, now looking him in the eyes and she's encouraged by the kindness she finds there, "I'm sorry you're not going to be a Grandpa now. Maybe, possibly in the future you will - years away. But I will not be having a baby in June anymore."
The string of words falls from her mouth faster than she intended, but it's clear he understands as he walks over and hugs her more tightly than usual. He pulls away and stands back up in front of her. He sighs and places a hand on her arm.
"You're not letting anyone down, and whatever happened is not your fault," he states loud and clear, leaving no room for argument. These words make her eyes fill up and her chest tighten with emotion. It's a reassurance she needed and will probably continue to need for a long time from the people who love her.
He removes his hand from her arm and steps away from her. He turns back around towards the stove, and she watches as he opens up a cabinet she's never been in before because it holds kitchenware. He pulls something out and turns back around, walking back to the kitchen table. She smiles as she sees the bottle of Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum. He pours some into one of the hot chocolates and pushes it towards her with a wink.
"Secret stash for liquid courage before Friday night dinners, or for solace after," he explains as he returns it to the cabinet, "though now I mostly drink it when your mom makes me watch movies I don't want to see."
Rory laughs at that, and it makes Luke smile widely - as wide as one would expect Luke to smile anyway.
"Thank you," she whispers and takes a sip of her spiked drink, "it is nice to be able to drink coffee and alcohol again."
"You sure are your mother's daughter," Luke sighs the words, but the underlying smirk is evidence that he wouldn't have it any other way. He picks up the other two mugs of hot chocolate and nods towards the living room.
"Oh good, Rory and Jess are both in the room. Now I can show you what I found on Facebook," Lorelai grins evilly, looking between the two. Rory takes a seat on the ottoman in front of the chair Jess is occupying. He sits forward and places secret touches on her lower back.
"Who allowed you to have Facebook?" Rory asks her mom with a stern look.
"It's a free country, baby! Well, that's debatable but at least this I have autonomy over."
"They should administer psychological health tests before letting just anyone on the internet," Jess mumbles, earning a sharp look from Lorelai and a subdued chuckle from Luke.
"Oh man, I just keep getting more excited to show you two this. As you may know, Stars Hollow has its own Facebook page, but not only that - there's a secret invite only group for residents."
"Let me guess, it's run by Taylor," Luke surmises with an eye roll.
"No, honey. Much better than that…it's run by Kirk!"
"I think Jess is on to something with those psychological tests," Luke mumbles.
"Facebook isn't cool anymore, anyway," Doula states, earning an uncharacteristic laugh from her brother.
"It's cool amongst us middle-aged adults," Lorelai retorts, "anyway, Kirk has turned the group into his very own Gossip girl. And I just got an alert ten minutes ago about a certain couple making out on my very own lawn."
Rory gasps, "What?!"
Lorelai turns her phone to show the room a picture taken of her and Jess kissing on the lawn fifteen minutes ago right before Luke arrived. It's blurry, like it was taken from afar on an outdated phone, but it's undeniably them.
"Jesus, Kirk needs to get a life," Jess grumbles with a scowl.
"How is that possible? And what does it say above the picture?" Rory asks, then takes a big swig of her hot chocolate. She hands it to Jess, and he looks at her curiously.
"It's spiked," she whispers. He nods appreciatively and takes a giant gulp.
"Well, I told you he has turned it into his very own Gossip girl, and I meant literally. His post says, and I quote, 'Spotted: J and R making out on L&L's front lawn. Can you say kissing cousins?'" Lorelai reads back to them with a wicked smile on her face.
"Kirk!" Rory exclaims, "First Uber and now Gossip girl? Did he run out of his own quirky ideas?!"
"Well, it's better, and safer, than his 'Hay There' skincare line," Lorelai argues.
"I'm going to kick his ass," Jess jumps up from the chair.
"I'll help you," Luke offers, grabbing his coat from off the hook nearby.
"Oh no, you can't hurt Kirk! That's like hurting a helpless animal. He doesn't know any better," Rory pouts. Jess rolls his eyes.
"Rory, he insinuated that we are somehow incestual."
"And that creep is staking out to take pictures of my private property," Luke grumbles, stepping to the windows to look around outside for him.
"Our private property, babe," Lorelai adds, "and as much as I adore Kirk's quirkiness, he is definitely giving Rear Window vibes."
"What's incestual?" Doula asks the room.
"Do you know Joffrey from Game of Thrones?" Lorelai asks, and all the other adults in the room shoot her a look.
"I'm not allowed to watch that," Doula huffs.
"Forget it. I'm at least going to scare the audacity out of him," Jess states resolutely, putting his own coat on.
"I have an idea, you should Gaslight him!" Lorelai exclaims proudly.
"Aw mom, did you watch that movie without me? You know I love Ingrid Bergman." Rory gives her a pout.
"Sorry, honey. I watched it on the ferry ride yesterday. Anyway, gaslighting Kirk is genius. Oh, make his 'favorite' sandwich with different ingredients. And tell him that's how he always liked it! Oh, oh and slightly increase all of your prices. And you can move tables around in the diner, maybe some stuff behind the counter. Just little things to make him slowly go insane," Lorelai laughs evilly, "oh my god, and we can all call him Dirk every now and then. Not too often so it's not obvious. Just enough that over time he questions his own name."
"You're diabolical," Jess smirks at her, "I suppose I can play the long game on his torture. What do you think, Luke?"
He shrugs and smiles, "Hey, anything to make Kirk feel as crazy as he is works for me. Let's get started," Luke pats Jess on the back and then says more quietly, "and we'll talk while we work."
Jess nods and then steps over to Rory and kisses her on the cheek, "I'll be back."
"Now see, if you had given Rory that lame of a kiss on the lawn, you wouldn't be in this situation," Lorelai taunts them.
"Sorry, did you want to watch me devour your daughter's face?"
She scowls at him.
"Thought so. See you later, try not to make Doula sick this time."
"Best I can do is promise you we don't have any more Swedish fish!"
"So…how are you feeling honey? We didn't really get a chance to talk about that."
Rory looks away from where Doula is playing with Paul Anka in the yard to meet her mother's concerned look.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," she moves in closer to her and wraps an arm around her shoulders, "how is your body feeling? Your mind? Your heart? How are you really?"
"Oh," Rory breathes in the cold air deep in her lungs, and then watches as it releases and disappears, "I'm fine mom."
Lorelai watches her as they sit in silence for some time, unsure if she should take her at her word.
"You lost a baby, Rory," she says it so softly that Rory's eyes immediately water.
"I know."
"That's not easy to deal with. I mean I have never dealt with it personally, but I know other people who have. It takes a toll on you. For a long time. Potentially forever. Is there anything I can do to…support you more? Do you maybe want me to go to your OBGYN with you for tests?"
Rory shakes her head slowly, "No. Paris had the hospital run some tests for me when I was there. It seems it was just a statistical occurrence. They didn't see anything concerning."
Lorelai nods and squeezes her, "You're more than a statistic you know. You're a woman, a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, who experienced something traumatic. We are all in your corner, Rory. Please lean on us."
Rory turns and buries her head in her mom's shoulder, wrapping her own arm around her.
"I know you have Jess," she whispers, "but he's not a woman. He can't understand the…intricacies of our bodies or the pressure we feel."
"He's been pretty understanding. And I have Paris too."
"Yeah, you do. And while I have no doubt she offers amazing support, if you ever need something a little softer, I'm here."
Rory chuckles quietly. Lorelai kisses the top of her head and then turns to rest hers there.
"When Luke and I were discussing the possibility of having a kid, I had to do a lot of the heavy lifting. He's a sweet, sensitive man at heart, as you know. But he really has no clue when it comes to actually making a baby. Well, he understands the sexual aspect of it, very well I might add," Rory scrunches her face up at that, "but, he doesn't really know what goes on in the body and how time factors into it for a woman, and all that fun stuff we're stuck with from the day we're born."
Rory moves away slightly to watch her mom as she speaks. She hasn't gone into detail on this topic with her before and wants her to know she has her full support.
"I felt a lot of pressure. Because it felt like I had to make the decision for both of us, I had to look into all the options for doing it, hell I had to have scary conversations with Paris. It all fell on me because hey, I have the uterus so I must know best! But I had no clue what was best for us, honestly. What was even best for me and my body. If something that would necessarily make me happier or not. It was just…so much pressure."
"You feel like Luke pressured you?"
Lorelai shakes her head with a deflated smile.
"No, not Luke so much. Just in general I felt pressure. There's this expectation set that the most important things we can do as women include having babies and finding a guy to attach ourselves to forever."
Rory looks down at her hands, because she understands the feeling well. She's always been focused on her studies and following her creative and professional dreams, but not usually without having a man being part of it somehow. Not since before Dean.
"I tried to never make you feel that way. I tried to never make you think those are things you need to do in your life. And it's a paradox because even I know those two things are not more important than my professional success, than the life I have built for myself, than being happy with myself. And yet, I still feel the pressure. It's like it's always there in the background saying 'yeah your life is great but do you know how you could make it better!' It's a frustrating little voice, very similar sounding to Emily's actually, but there's this unspoken, but heavily alluded to, idea that a woman's life is incomplete without the whole nuclear family thing. But in reality, those are choices we can make if we want to. They are not necessities."
Rory tilts her head and earnestly says, "You did a good job mom, you never made me feel that way."
She smiles, "Thanks for saying that honey. But, I can't account for the rest of the world. Hell, your grandmother was practically shoving it down your throat as soon as you started dating Logan," she recalls with agitation in her voice, "anyway, I wish I could deflect those pressures that other people have put on you or will put on you. I'm sure you have felt them, right?"
Rory shrugs and nods.
"The point I'm trying to make is, your value is not dependent on you becoming a mother. And it's not dependent on your fertility. It's not dependent on your body at all," Lorelai turns in her seat to look into her daughter's eyes, "I don't want you to feel bad about yourself because of what happened. I don't want you to hold yourself to impossible standards. It does not take away from you or say any damn thing about you that you had a miscarriage. I really, desperately want you to understand that, Rory. You are a perfectionist through and through, but what you went through is all human, babe. There's not blueprint for that."
Rory swallows her emotions down and leans over to embrace her tightly.
"Thank you, mom. I love you."
Lorelai's shoulders relax in relief, and she stays holding her daughter closely.
"I love you too. More than anything."
"A family could be nice one day," Rory ponders quietly, "But I'm not building my whole life around it, I promise."
Lorelai grins and runs a hand up and down Rory's back.
"And a family could have been nice now too. Just wasn't meant to be," Rory adds, a hint of sadness in her tone.
Lorelai's hand stops and she pictures that life for Rory for a moment.
"You know, no offense, but Logan doesn't really strike me as a family man."
Rory inhales and then whispers, "I didn't meant Logan."
She peeks up to gauge her mom's reaction. Lorelai looks over her face, and sits in quiet contemplation.
Eventually, she chuckles and holds Rory tighter, "Yep. Dating is definitely too tame for you two."