thank you thank you thank you so much for the reviews and for reading! always thrilled to see your responses.
i'm going to get real for second. I was absolutely dreading writing a chapter in 2020. because god, what a shit show of a year for all of us. I was so depressed, and honestly the next two years after, and I know I wasn't the only one. I thought about skipping it and jumping forward, or just erasing it from history in this story. but then I thought...maybe i should bring some of that to the story instead, because it surely would have affected our favorite couple.
on that note, enjoy xoxo
and not sure if a TW is necessary, but mentions of COVID and related restrictions, etc. and also depression/side effects.
disclaimer: I own nothing.
Jess groggily awakens to a tapping sound. It's persistent, and he assumes must have been going on for some time to finally wake him up. At first, he thinks it's the air conditioner - which is old and sounds like it's going into battle any time it clicks on. But then he remembers it's April, and the air conditioning shouldn't be on yet. He takes a deep breath and turns from his side sleeping position to his back. The bed next to him seems empty, and he gently feels around to confirm that. He sits up and realizes the tapping noise is coming from the outside the room. Perplexed by the sound and concerned about Rory's whereabouts, he stumbles out of bed. Yawning, he walks out of their room and around the corner towards the living room.
The image he is greeted by completely shakes him awake. He is speechless, and only stares at first. Rory is in the middle of the living room; their coffee table pushed to the side, so she has space. She wears black flats that the tapping sound seems to have been coming from. On their TV, he hears what sounds like an instructor teaching dance. Slowly, Rory stops dancing and looks back at him guiltily.
"Did I wake you up?"
He blinks a few times and shakes his head.
"Are you…is this, um…," he runs a hand through his hair, "are you…tap dancing?"
Catching her breath, she nods, and picks the remote up off the couch to silence the video on TV.
"Kind of. I'm not following the instructions to a T."
He continues to stare at her; the situation feeling too bizarre for words. She doesn't like exercise, she was just in bed with him a few hours ago, and it's two o'clock in the morning. Nothing about the scenario is adding up in his head.
"Um…" he starts, "well. I think it's really cute that you seem to have taken up tap dancing at this point in your life, I am…utterly confused."
She nods in understanding, then her eyes catch the television.
"Oh! Hold on. This is where we put it all together," she turns the volume back up, and begins to dance again, "it's almost over, sorry."
He crosses his arms over his chest, running a hand over his face before staring at her again. He just watches in bewilderment as she taps all across their living room floor.
She stops a few minutes later, breathless and shuts off the TV. Wordlessly, Jess walks across the room to move the coffee table back where it belongs while Rory removes her shoes and settles down. He turns to where she is now sitting on the couch. She looks up at him with a small smile.
"I like to do this when I can't sleep. It helps sometimes."
He looks curiously back at her and takes a seat on the couch next to her.
"We've lived together for about three years now. I've never heard or seen this before."
She playfully rolls her eyes, "well, you know how hard you sleep."
"Do you have trouble sleeping a lot?" he asks, guilt beginning to tug at him at not having noticed something so important. She shakes her head quickly.
"No! Not at all. Just every once in a while, you know. It's normal. Everyone has trouble sleeping sometimes."
He looks her over and slowly nods.
"I'm sorry you couldn't sleep. Why didn't you wake me up?"
She gestures to the shoes on the floor, and in between a yawn replies, "I didn't need to, I have this. And it works! I'm feeling very sleepy now."
His gut tells him there is much more to this than she is revealing. But, as he regards her again he can tell she actually is ready to go back to bed now. So he isn't going to force her to stay awake and discuss it with him. He places a hand on her bare thigh, right under where her pajama shorts end, and rubs softly.
"I'm going to need to hear more about this mysterious practice you apparently have had for years, and I didn't know about. But not tonight. Let's go to bed."
The next day, he leaves her sleeping in the morning to run work and home errands. It's harder now, with health related restrictions everywhere, and ends up taking his entire day. By the time he gets home that night and makes dinner, the previous night isn't prominent in his mind. And the evening is normal enough. They eat together, watch TV together, and play Mario Kart with Doula remotely on the Nintendo. He got it for them when the world started shutting down, knowing that it would be a nice way to connect with his sister from afar. They sleep through the night; at least, that's what he thinks since nothing woke him up.
But as he walks into their living room the following morning, he sees her tap shoes out and the coffee table is slightly askew. It concerns him that she was up again, and he doesn't quite understand why she doesn't wake him up to talk about whatever is on her mind. He feels like something is going on, but he doesn't want to wake her since she clearly didn't sleep through the night. And adversely to most of the world, he has become much busier with his work every day and has to get on his computer first thing. The day goes by quickly, with Rory stopping into the home office to bring him snacks and say hi a few times. Once again, the issue from the morning is in the back of his mind, especially with Rory seemingly in a great mood. He convinces himself that it really was just a weird couple of nights for her and enjoys their evening together again.
This night he does wake up to that tapping sound once more. Worry floods through him immediately. Three nights in a row, and who knows how many others he hasn't heard or noticed? He knew that the change in her work would be difficult for her, but she's shown no signs so far that that's the case. She has been acting nothing but positive about having the time off since she found out over a month ago that the Times would be keeping her home for a while due to health and safety concerns. And he's been so busy trying to make sure Truncheon still stays profitable, making changes and opening an online store with the help of his employees and students, that he hasn't given a thought to the idea that perhaps Rory has been putting on a brave face. Until now.
He sits up in bed, grabbing at his hair and sighing heavily. Trying to figure out what to do; how to approach her and get her to talk. She is very good at pretending to be okay for others, but normally he can see past that. He internally berates himself for neglecting his responsibility to take care of her, a responsibility that he wanted and promised to do well at. He turns and looks at his cell phone on the nightstand; when the pandemic started, he gave his personal number to his students. Because of his experience with Brandon, he wanted to make sure they had someone to call in case their home situation is unbearable. He understands how difficult it can be to call authorities on your own family. And he doesn't see them as much in person anymore, so he cannot check them for signs of trouble. So he keeps his phone by the bed every night in case any one of them needs anything at any time. But he's the one that needs help in this moment. He picks it up and calls someone that he hopes can provide that.
"Jess?" she answers, and he's surprised that she doesn't sound half asleep, "what's wrong? Is Rory okay? You never call me this late. I just happened to be up watching that infomercial channel."
"Sorry. I hate to call this late. It's just that…I don't know if Rory is okay and I'm not sure what to do."
Her voice picks up speed and volume, "you're scaring me! What's wrong?! Out with it already!"
"She's…tap dancing," he replies, voice sounding uncertain.
Lorelai gasps quietly.
"That is bad. I mean, it's not as bad as I was expecting. You need to work on your Rory related news delivery," she chastises him. He rolls his eyes.
"This feels really bad to me! I didn't even know this was a thing. And she's done it at least the last three nights in a row, but I'm starting to think she's been doing it for longer and I just haven't woken up or noticed it," he takes a breath and then says quietly, "I've been so busy with work, and making sure my employees, and the student employees especially, are happy and taken care of…"
"Jess," she says his name softly, "don't blame yourself for not noticing. She didn't want you to."
"It doesn't matter, I should have noticed anyway. I usually see right through her facade, but I've been thinking this whole time that she's okay and happy to be stuck at home. And that sounds incredibly stupid as a I say it out loud."
"Hey, you're talking to her very own mother that didn't put together very obvious clues that her daughter was no longer pregnant. Not only that, but I inundated her with questions about a baby she wasn't going to have and probably made her feel worse."
Jess sighs, "at least I'm in good company, I guess."
"Exactly."
"So…you know what the tap dancing is about?"
"I have an idea. After my father died, and Rory was sort of living in Stars Hollow, and you know, trying to figure out her life - I caught her doing that at the house one night. She said it's good for stress relief and anxiety. So…I'm guessing she's feeling anxious about work, and I'm sure the doomsday movie we all seem to have been cast in for the year 2020."
Jess groans and rubs his face with his hand.
"Of course she is. She loves her job and cares about everyone and everything. I'm such an idiot."
"Okay, less self-deprecation and more planning. You're an incredible man to my daughter, no one would ever doubt that," she says sincerely, "when's the last time she left the apartment?"
He thinks for a moment, "we walked to the park last weekend to read. I…haven't really seen her leave since. But I still go to Truncheon most days so I could be wrong."
"Okay. Here's what you need to do: get her out of the apartment. Asap. Like now."
"It's the middle of the night and we're in a lockdown, by the way."
"Don't care, figure it out. And I," she says, and she sounds like she's gone into full mom mode, "I'm going to call my mother in the morning. And Rory and I will go on a road trip together this weekend to visit for a few days."
Jess swallows, "is that safe?"
"For who? Certainly not me, I mean I'm putting myself right in the line of fire by going to my mother during a time where I can't do anything but be stuck in her house! How will I escape the scrutiny? Where will I seek comfort from the patented Emily criticisms? I can see it now, me desperate for relief, pulling a Norman Maine and walking straight into the sea-"
"Lorelai- "he huffs, impatient with her theatrics.
"Relax, Jess. It's safe. It will just be me, Rory and my mom. Well and her household employees. But she doesn't go anywhere, and neither do they. I would invite you, but I've heard you're busy with work."
"Yeah. Okay. It will be good for her anyway," he sighs in acceptance, "the Gilmore girls all together. That will be good."
He can hear the smile in Lorelai's voice, "yes. It will. We'll breathe life and sense back into her, don't worry."
"Sense?"
"Okay maybe not sense, but definitely life."
"Okay. I'm going to go approach Ginger."
"Oh! You could be her Fred Astaire, maybe that's a better approach. Get you some tap shoes, practice together, take videos for YouTube and get internet famous- "
"Bye, Lorelai."
"Alright, alright. Good luck with Miss Rogers, Fred."
He hangs up, gets out of bed and gets dressed. He grabs a sweatshirt from his closet for Rory. Standing at the door, he takes a breath and reminds himself to just take care of her; to not make it about blaming himself for anything. Slowly, he walks to the living room and sure enough, Rory is tapping away in the middle of the floor. This time, she has her phone in her hand and looks at it while she taps along to the TV screen in the background. She hasn't noticed him yet, so he takes a few more cautious steps towards her and then clears his throat. Startled, she stops dancing for a moment and looks up at him with a hand on her chest.
"God, you scared me!" she exclaims, before she continues her tap dance, "sorry if I woke you up again. It's been a weird week of sleep for me. I think maybe I'm still on Australia time from December, as crazy as that sounds."
He looks her up and down; he notices her features seem slimmer in places he's used to seeing them rounder - like her cheeks and hips. The space where the slope of her thighs meet seems less full. He swallows.
"I'm scaring you?"
She looks at him, and briefly he sees a glimpse of what she's been hiding from view. But just as quickly she's smiling and dancing again.
"What do you mean?" an alert goes off on her phone and she looks at it and smiles wider, "oh! Guess what? I ordered a breakfast sandwich maker off amazon and it's coming tomorrow! It's so easy, you put each ingredient in a little thing and then close it all and it cooks itself, and it's done! I don't think even I can screw it up, so now I can make breakfast for you anytime! Or maybe breakfast for lunch since you're usually up before me."
She speaks quickly, restless energy pouring out of her. He steps closer to her.
"Uh huh, speaking of breakfast and lunch, have you been eating it lately? Bowls of cereal, pop tarts, sandwiches, bagel bites - anything at all? I don't really see you much throughout the day right now because of work, and your new sleep schedule, so..."
"You know, I'm kinda sick of the berry flavored pop tarts. Oh, maybe I can order a giant amount of the brown sugar cinnamon ones on amazon," she looks back at her phone again, searching for the product, all the while still dancing around the room. All the pieces of this puzzle he's collecting gradually make him more concerned, and as she looks back up at him with wide eyes, big dark circles underneath, and a neurotic sort of smile, the hair on his arms stands up.
"They only have variety packs available right now, and I don't like all the flavors they have in the variety packs. I'll have to stick to coffee."
"Rory…" his voice sounds calm and stern, in contrast to the cacophony of emotions he's feeling inside.
"Sorry, this is the end of the video," she cuts him off, gesturing to the TV, "I have to focus. And I have to do this part, I can't miss it, or else I won't sleep. I got distracted once and missed it, and I didn't sleep. I can't have that happen again. Not sleeping makes me feel like…my brain is in a completely different room from my body. You know what I mean?"
She picks up speed, both in speech and in movement. He's on the verge of full panic, the noise of the tv and her tapping not helping at all. He pulls at his hair and takes a somewhat steadying breath. Then he walks to the couch behind her, grabs the remote and shuts the television off. She yelps and swings around to face him.
"Jess! Why did you do that?! I told you I need it to sleep! I have a process!"
"Rory," he says her name, strong and serious, but it doesn't quiet her.
"Nothing else works for me! I've tried melatonin, Unisom, Tylenol PM. I've even tried CBD! None of that helps me sleep. Only going through this whole tap routine. I need to finish it Jess-"
"Rory!" he finally yells her name loud enough that it scares her silent, "Rory. You sound…manic right now. I'm worried about you. What's going on?"
He cautiously places his hands on her upper arms. Her body tenses, and that makes him nervous too.
"Ror…"
"Nothing's wrong," she shakes her head adamantly, "I just can't sleep. That's all. And I'm dealing with it. I'm fine, everything is fine."
"Okay, okay," he says in a more soothing tone. He meets her eyes; he sees fright in them that makes his heart sink.
"We're going out, okay? Here's a sweatshirt," he hands her the one he grabbed for her.
"Out?! Where? We can't go out. It's late and everything is closed, and we're supposed to be locked down at home."
He wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her towards the door, grabbing his keys and a jacket for himself.
"It's okay, baby. It's all good. We're gonna just go out and get some fresh air," he coaxes her out of the apartment successfully with those words.
They walk down the eerily silent streets, Jess keeping hold of Rory around her middle. She keeps her arms crossed at her waist but stays close to him. Her quiet demeanor is somehow just as unsettling to him as how she was in the apartment. To be able to jump from one deep emotional state to another so quickly isn't like her.
"It's nice to be outside, isn't it?" he keeps his voice low and gentle, looking down at her for a response.
She shrugs and replies quietly, "it's a little creepy."
Getting any response at all allows his chest to exhale the breath he was holding. He kisses her head softly.
"It is a little creepy, you're right. It's not really New York without all the hustle and bustle, is it?"
She shakes her head slowly, and Jess relaxes further as he notices her take a deep breath. A delicate upturn at the corner of her lips causes him to almost smile for the first time all night.
"It doesn't smell like garbage or anything, though. That's kinda cool," she remarks, finally looking up at him.
"That is nice," he grins and squeezes her hip, then he asks kindly, "when's the last time you went outside, Ror?"
She bites her lip and looks away from him.
"When we went to the park last week. I haven't needed to go anywhere since," she mumbles her response.
"Rory…you're allowed to get fresh air. Do you need me to show you how to get to the roof again? You should be able to get up there any time you want and read or think or look at the city. I didn't realize you've been so cooped up."
She looks up at him, and he sees that bit of fear in her eyes again. He sucks in a breath and simply nods, not wanting to upset her. They continue walking in silence, until they come upon a familiar place.
"Are we allowed to both be here at the same time?" she asks as Jess opens the back door to Truncheon. He holds the door open for her and she cautiously steps inside.
"It's our business, and we live together so we're sharing a space anyway. Don't worry."
He ushers her further inside.
"It's your business, and you're taking such good care of your employees. I don't want to bring any germs in here or anything. What if I'm sick and don't know it?"
He shakes his head, they stand now near his office.
"That would be unlikely since you haven't been anywhere," he gives her a pointed look, "and Truncheon is ours. What's mine is yours, even without the marriage license. Not to mention your grandmother owns a piece of it that I'm certain she plans to give to you."
At the mention of her grandmother, he sees her eyes cast towards the library. It's what he was hoping for, and some of the tension relaxes from his body. Although he wants to question her about the reality of her life over the last month, he knows it will benefit her more to have some time to herself in a place separate from the walls she's basically been trapped in. If she can calm herself down, he knows he has a better chance of having an honest conversation with her. He's aware of that independent Gilmore trait she has, that means she often has to come to her own conclusions before she can be accepting of his words. Especially in delicate situations such as this.
"That space especially is yours," he whispers, and her eyes move back to him. He places a loving hand on her shoulder and kisses her forehead.
"I think I'm going to get started on packing some online orders that need to ship tomorrow. Do you want to help or…"
She slowly shakes her head. He nods.
"Okay. I'll be in my office if you need me."
She takes slow, cautious steps through the entrance of the library. Her hand skims over the wall until she finds the light switch and flips it on. Immediately, her eyes meet those of her grandfather in his portrait. With a shaky breath, she walks up closer to it. She takes a chair that sits perpendicular to it and turns it to face him. She takes a seat and stares up at this pillar of strength, safety and power in her life. Under the feeling of security and love the idea of her grandfather's presence brings her, she bursts into tears. She imagines his bearlike arms holding her, his stable form towering above her like a gentle giant. The light pat on her back he used to give her, almost as if he was afraid of his own strength. She imagines him offering her chocolates or candy, because he doesn't yet know what's troubling her. That thought calms her crying, and she's left with a small smile and silent tears. She rubs her eyes and looks up at him again. She swallows as she thinks, maybe talking to him is exactly what she needs.
"Hi Grandpa. We all miss you so much. The world has been weird without you in it, but you wouldn't believe how much weirder it's gotten this year," she pauses and continues, "this might be dark, but…maybe you picked a good time to leave. Even though I miss you, I'm not sure what your life would look like right now. I wouldn't want you to be miserable. But maybe it's a busy time for the insurance industry now and you would be fine. I don't know. Except I do remember how hard it was for you when you tried to retire. How bored you were. How useless you felt and…that's how I feel right now, Grandpa. I feel completely useless and helpless in this world at the moment. I'm afraid to talk to people about it because I think it sounds overdramatic, and I also know that there are so many people out there that would rather be home safely than having to work in these conditions. But what good am I as a journalist if I'm not out there in the trenches too? The New York Times doesn't want to send me anywhere right now. They told me to take a leave of absence and they will call me when they are ready to get me traveling again. That was over a month ago. But even before that, the last big place I traveled was Australia in December, and then the virus started to be on their radar and things started to change, and they kept me locally. So…it feels like it's been four months since I've really worked. I know the world is unstable and there are so many traveling restrictions right now. I know their decision is in my best interest. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like this. And Jess…he's doing amazing things," a few tears escape her eyes again, "it's wrong that you never got to meet him. He's the love of my life and you're one of the most important people in the world to me. It's not fair. Nothing in this world feels fair right now," she can feel herself spiraling into that desperate state of mind again and stops to take a few deep breaths before continuing.
"Jess is amazing. He's kept the store going, he's figured out a schedule for his employees to still work and get paid without risking their health. If anything, he's busier than ever. You would be really impressed by his business strategizing. I'm so proud of him. But I wish I had something like that right now. Instead, I'm constantly in the apartment, reading the news usually, and tap dancing when I can't sleep, which has been more often than not. And…I haven't had much of an appetite. It just all feels wrong…it feels wrong to do normal things when I should be out doing my job. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed. But who isn't right now? I'm not special, my situation isn't special. And that all makes me feel frustrated too. That's why I haven't confided in Jess, or mom or anyone else…I don't deserve any special treatment or anything. I just want to have a purpose…and that's not anyone else's responsibility," she swallows and pauses.
"I've been trying to figure out how to make the best of this time like other people are…nothing makes sense," she whispers the last words. Her eyes move down the portrait to read the quote she's already memorized - "failing to fetch me at first, keep encouraged. Missing me one place, search another. I stop somewhere waiting for you". Then her eyes scan around the room, around his book collection. She looks back up at him.
"I think I'm going to try and find some answers in here. I'll see where you lead me. I love you, Grandpa. And I'm keeping an eye on Grandma for you, always."
She stands up, places her lips to two fingers, then reaches up on her tippy toes to place it on his cheek.
She spends an unidentifiable amount of time looking through his books from that point. She doesn't notice Jess look in to check on her a few times. She's not sure what she is looking for, but she's sure something waits to be found by her. When Jess comes to try and take her home around four in the morning, he finds her asleep on her stomach on the floor; her head resting on an open book between her hands. The image brings a small smile to his face. He goes back to his office and grabs a pillow and blanket from the closet that he keeps there for nights where he loses track of time completely and doesn't want to walk home. Walking back into the library, he takes off his shoes and jacket, leaving them in a pile by the door. He kneels beside her and carefully lifts her just enough to move the book and replace it with a pillow. She stirs for a moment but doesn't wake. He picks up the book and grins - Great Expectations. He saves her page with a business card from his back pocket, where he keeps them to stuff into packages. Then, he lays down next to her and covers them with a blanket. He turns on his side and rests an arm across her back. He softly kisses her head before closing his eyes to sleep with her on the library floor.
She wakes up before him much later that morning. She smiles genuinely for the first time in a while as she sees that rather than waking her to take her home, he slept with her on the floor surrounded by her grandfather's books. She sits up with a yawn and sees the book she fell asleep reading last night nearby. She picks it up and smiles again at Truncheon's business card holding her place. She places a gentle hand in Jess's tussled dark hair, as a silent thank you. Then, her fingers carefully turn pages, continuing her search through it that she clearly fell asleep during the previous night. She flips through it for another half hour before she reaches the end. As she goes to close the book, she notices a small piece of paper now sticking out. Placing her finger there, she opens it to see a handwritten note tucked between the last few, empty, pages of the novel. She takes a deep breath before taking it out to read the words; wondering if this is the something she's been looking for.
She's a little disappointed to see it's such a small note. Only a few sentences. But it's absolutely her Grandfather's writing. And no matter what, this is a moment where she gets to read his thoughts that he put to paper years ago. She looks up at his picture with a grateful smile, before looking back at the note.
Family - the invisible force keeping us upright.
We may turn our back to it or push it away, still it waits patiently as we figure it all out. And sometimes we don't (as evidenced by Pip). Yet it is there, waiting, without expectation, to relieve us of the mostly self-made heavy load that rests on our shoulders.
It's the beginning, the middle and the end. Whether we create an extension of it or come back to those that raised us again. (I hope to find one day that Lorelai and her sweet little Rory find their way back to us indeed).
Yes, family is a force. And the Gilmores - we forge.
Her eyes are wet, yet she doesn't exactly know what to make of his words. It's not the clear, obvious message she was hoping for. But something about it drags on her heart. She wishes he had dated it, wondering if this was around the time that Lorelai ran away with her. Or if it had been some time after that…she wonders what their suffering was like, losing access to their daughter and granddaughter all at once. She sits quietly thinking about this, about his words, about everything she's been feeling.
She's pulled from her thoughts by a grunt and looks over to see Jess awake and pushing himself into a seated position. He rubs the back of his neck and yawns.
"Good morning," she says with a small smile, "thank you for sleeping here with me. I know it wasn't comfortable."
He waves his hand and shakes his head. He moves across the floor to sit closer to her.
"How are you today?" he takes her hand and runs his thumb over her knuckles. She takes a breath and nods a couple of times.
"Better than yesterday. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, Rory. I'm sorry for not realizing sooner that you're not actually doing okay. It's…so important to me to take care of you, and this was a huge miss. I'm sorry you were suffering alone."
She shakes her head, "I didn't want you to know. And I haven't been alone. No matter what, I've had you. Even if you didn't know there was something wrong."
"I have something else to apologize for."
She looks at him curiously.
"I heard your conversation through the wall yesterday…with Richard."
She smiles sadly.
"Was less of a conversation and more of a…monologue. But it's okay. I'm glad you did."
He looks her over, gaze tender with an unnecessary hint of guilt.
"All this stuff that's going on in the world right now…it's horrible. But it doesn't affect me the way it affects others, like you. Lockdown doesn't bother me, you know I'm not very social anyway. My work, thank god, isn't affected. I love ordering groceries and cooking for us, I'm not missing going out to dinner or anything like that. This hasn't shaken me the way that I think it has you. And when you found out about your leave of absence, I was convinced by your smile and all your excited home plans for you and me that you really were okay. I'm usually better than that, I'm sorry. I get why this all hard for you, and why you might feel useless as I heard you say. I don't know how to fix the way you feel, or if that's even possible without getting you back to work or regular life, but you can always talk to me about those feelings. I do know what it's like to feel that way. And I know that you feel most comfortable when all parts of your life are in your control; I get that too. It's just not possible right now," he places a hand on her face and moves her hair behind her ear and assures her: "But it will be again. It won't always be like this. And your job didn't fire you, they didn't furlough you. They have every intention of calling you back to work. It's going to be okay, Rory."
His words do bring some relief to her, as usual he makes her feel understood. Her lips turn up into a faint smile. He leans forward to hug her, kissing her head repeatedly.
"I want to make the best of this time," she expresses to him as he pulls away from her. He takes her hand in his again and lifts her wrist to his mouth.
He mumbles against her pulse point, "did you have something in mind?"
"Not really. That's the problem."
His kind eyes watch her mind work patiently. Her eyebrow raises.
"Maybe I'll learn to bake!"
His eyes widen, "Damn, I didn't realize the situation was that desperate."
"Jess!" she exclaims, but she also laughs and that makes Jess feel good. He smiles.
"Hey, if that's what you want to do, I support you. I'm sure we can order extra fire extinguishers on amazon."
She shoots him a look, then rolls her eyes and looks around the room. Slowly, she grins, and Jess is mesmerized by it. She turns to face him.
"Can I help out at Truncheon?"
He matches her grin and releases her wrist back to her lap.
"Of course. We would love to have you, Miss Gilmore."
Her lips perk up, "okay. What do you need help with?"
"What do you want to do? Name it."
"I don't know," she shrugs, "you can put me to work wherever you want. I'm a jack of all trades. I can do editing, admin, reading, online shopping."
"I know all about your extensive skillset, baby," he smirks, then says more seriously, "would you be interested in maybe doing some newspaper type classes over zoom? A couple of students have mentioned interest in doing that, but I don't have the skills or knowledge of what software is needed. I haven't published our online Zine myself in years, and when I did, I used a template that was already made and just filled in information. I'm useless in this regard."
"Um, yes!" she replies excitedly, "I can't believe you're just asking me now."
He warms at her authentic happiness, "well, you were too busy for us before. The kids asked me months ago. Now is the perfect time."
She grins in appreciation at that, him reframing this difficult time for her in a better light. Her next words catch him completely by surprise.
"Speaking of kids, I've had this idea sort of in the back of my mind for the last month. Do you think we should…work on starting a family now?"
His eyes widen and he blinks a few times before he can find words.
"Right now? While the world is falling apart?"
She slumps and frowns, "it's a stupid idea, isn't it?"
"I didn't say that," he hurriedly responds, holding on to her hand again, "It just…doesn't sound like something you would normally find…sensible."
She chews on her lip and shrugs.
"I don't know. I'm not working right now, we have all this time together at home. It made some sense in my head."
He listens to her words, while sorting through his own thoughts about the subject. He releases a long exhale before speaking again.
"Rory…I know I said that you just have to tell me when. But personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable with you being pregnant right now."
Her confused look implores him for more information.
"We don't know how long it is before this shit gets better, or if it will get worse first. I wouldn't be able to go to doctor's appointments with you. I might not even be able to be there when you give birth. And god, I don't know what I would do with myself if either one of us got sick and had to separate. Part of my…interest in having a family with you is watching you grow it and being a part of the entire process. The state of things makes me nervous that I would miss out on so much. That would gut me, Rory."
Her eyes water at his words, and she finds herself nodding in agreement before he finishes.
"I totally understand. And I would want you there too, for everything."
He swallows and squeezes her hand gently. He opens his mouth but doesn't speak at first. He looks into her eyes when he does.
"And part of me wonders if you're wanting to do this because you 'think' it's a convenient time rather than really being ready for it."
"Maybe," she whispers her response after a moment of silence. Then, she picks up the note she found and hands it to him.
"But I found this note in Great Expectations that my grandfather wrote. I thought maybe it was a sign that I should be starting a family now."
Jess reads over the words, and Rory is intrigued by the knowing smile that takes over his face.
"What?"
He looks up at her and hands the note back.
"This message isn't to tell you to start a family. It's a sign to lean on the family you already have," he holds her face and kisses her lips briefly, "and believe it or not, there is already a plan in the works for that."
"What do you mean by that?" she asks, in confusion and awe.
"I'll tell you when I have more information. But right now, I want to take you home and cook you a giant breakfast. I'm thinking eggs, bacon, waffles with blueberries and whipped cream on top. Maybe some cheesy potatoes. Can I do that for you?"
For the first time in weeks, Rory's stomach growls in excitement. Both her and Jess grin at the same time.
"Yes please," she replies and puts the note she found back in the book it belongs to, "you don't have to stay at the office and work today?"
"Nope, I got all packages filled last night, and I'm leaving them here for Brooke to come in later and take to the post office," he explains, standing up from the floor and putting on his shoes and jacket, "I'm taking the day off today. I have more important things than work to take care of."
Rory shoots him a look, but her pleased smile is clear to him. He holds a hand out to her.
"Come on. We can stop for coffee too. I heard there's a shop nearby that's operating out of a window in an alley. It will be a nice little adventure."
She takes his hand happily, "that sounds perfect."
"Hi babe! You ready for our Gilmore girl trip?" Lorelai beams at her daughter, who stands on her porch on Maple Street in Stars Hollow. Jess stands next to her, with the suitcase she packed back at their apartment. Rory smiles nervously, excited to see her mom and take this trip, but still feeling weird about doing it when people aren't supposed to be traveling.
"Yes, though I still sort of feel like a hysterical Victorian woman being sent seaside."
"Well, if the shoe fits…" Lorelai teases with a grin. Jess gives Lorelai a look and shakes his head.
"For the fiftieth time, no one is 'sending you away'. You've been stuck with me at home for so long. You deserve and need time with your family."
"Because I'm…showing signs of mental un wellness?"
Jess looks over at Lorelai, "please help."
She steps out on to the porch and places her arm around Rory.
"Come on little Edie, let's lock ourselves in our beach house and talk about libra men."
"Not helping," Jess mumbles with his arms crossed.
"If I'm little Edie, are you or grandma big Edie?"
"Well, obviously I'm big Edie. I've got the idiosyncrasies to prove it," Lorelai responds, locking the front door behind her, "and I'm thinking my mom is Jackie O. Embarrassed and ashamed of us at times, but offering her resources nonetheless."
Rory relaxes at this exchange, "she is the spiffiest dresser."
"And she would certainly try to put brains back in someone's head to keep up appearances."
Rory and Jess both grimace.
"Come on, we've all seen the assassination footage!" Lorelai argues, then adds thoughtfully, "what do you think she did with that gorgeous pink suit? I hope she at least got a new one if she got rid of it."
"So she can remember her husband being assassinated next to her?"
"Well, he wasn't a very good husband from what I hear," Lorelai gasps, "oh my god! Has anyone looked in to her? Maybe she orchestrated the whole thing!"
"I'm starting to notice you have an obsession with Kennedy related conspiracy theories, Mom. Have you been watching the History channel at night?"
"Actually, I discovered reddit."
"Reddit?! How did you get on there?"
Jess waves his hands in the air before they can entertain this further.
"Okay, see these are conversations you two should be having in the car on your way to Nantucket. Keep the crazy amongst yourselves," Jess insists. He then steps up to Rory to say goodbye, leaving no room for argument from either women. Lorelai grins at them and says kindly, "I'll be in the jeep."
He nods and then turns to Rory with a hopeful look.
"You excited?"
She smiles softly, "I am but I still feel a little bad about doing it."
"There's nothing to feel bad about. It's not like you're going to a resort. You're visiting family. It's okay."
She nods, "thank you for planning it."
"It was Lorelai's idea. All I did was call her in a panic about you turning into Ginger Rogers."
"Sorry for scaring you."
"Enjoy your time with your two favorite family members, okay? Try to forget about the rest of the world and just…be a Gilmore. Which includes eating too much food. Don't forget to do that part."
He tries to make the request sound funny and lighthearted, but she catches his concerned undertone and the way his eyes shoot down to the jeans that sit a little loose at her hips. The result of a month of not eating breakfast or lunch and tap dancing almost daily, she confessed this to him over breakfast that morning he cooked for her.
She nods and attempts to give him a convincing smile, though she's unsure of how much this trip actually will help her.
"I will try. What are you doing? Are you going back to New York now?"
He shrugs, "I'll stay in Stars Hollow tonight. Lorelai mentioned that Luke has been dropping off food and groceries to high risk people in town so they don't have to leave their house. Think I'll help him with that."
"That is so thoughtful! That sounds important. Maybe I should stay and help with that too?"
He shakes his head, "maybe when you get back. Go recharge with your family."
"Okay but what if I actually do turn into little Edie?"
"I'll change my birthday to October so you can finally have your libra man," he replies easily, standing and looking at her with his hands in his pockets and a quick shrug of his shoulders.
Rory releases a much needed giggle at that, and Jess grins fondly back at her. Happy to be able to leave her a little more relaxed. He leans forward and kisses her head.
"It's going to be okay. Let your mom and grandmother take care of you for a few days."
She looks back at him; her demeanor reluctant. But she nods confidently when he adds on,
"It's what your Grandfather wanted you to do. Find your family when you need them most."
TBC...i intended for it to all be one big chapter (because, hello, wanted to get the year out of the way) but it got too long and too complicated for me to edit all at once. will post within the week. xoxo