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The enticing smell of a fresh pot of coffee pulls Rory from a deep slumber. She inhales as she turns on the bed, body bundled up in twisted sheets and blankets, which means that Jess must not be next to her anymore. She opens her eyes and indeed finds the space next to her empty. A quiet groan emanates from her throat; despite sleeping at least eight hours the night before, she's sure. Her body feels exhausted, and her head feels foggy. As she stretches her arms over her head, their cat crawls from a corner of the bed to lay on her stomach. Her fur feels warm through the thin material of her tank top, and she closes her eyes once more as her mind tugs her back towards sleep.
"Rory."
She feels a warm hand on her arm; it makes her smile in her sleep.
"Baby."
It now shakes her gently, and she feels the cat get up and jump off the bed. She moans at the loss, and slowly opens her eyes to see Jess bent over her, a mug of coffee in one hand.
"Morning princess."
She grunts, "princess?"
"Most of them seem to sleep very hard."
"Have I been sleeping hard?"
"Yes," he nods with a small smirk, "I've been trying to wake you up for a good ten minutes. You're almost as bad as Doula was when she stayed here for ballet camp. There were a couple of times I had to confiscate all the blankets and physically pull her out of bed."
Rory laughs through her yawn, "thanks for not doing that to me."
"We were close. I was getting desperate," he squeezes her arm, "I have coffee for you. And donuts in the kitchen."
"Thank you," she moves herself to sit up and takes the coffee from him, "donuts are all the way in the kitchen?"
His smirk grows, "yes, I needed something to tempt you all the way out of bed."
She pouts, "it feels so early."
"It's around nine. We're supposed to get to Brandon's by ten."
She makes a sound and closes her eyes briefly.
"Right. To help him move," she opens her eyes and turns to him, "and I will get a big, fat, greasy cheesesteak as payment once we get to Philly. Right?"
"Yes ma'am," he laughs and leans forward to kiss her cheek, "unless you don't really want to do it. I mean, I didn't want you to help in the first place. It was your idea."
"It's a big day for you guys," she smiles softly, "it's like you're sending your son off to college."
His eyes playfully roll upward, "it's not like that. It's not that serious. You don't have to help if you don't want to."
"No, I want to. Someone needs to properly organize his book collection."
"How do you know it's not organized already?"
"I just know."
"Well, as soon as you get up and get ready, we can be on our way to reorganizing his life."
"Hmm," she hums as she sips her coffee, "I'm getting up."
"You haven't moved yet."
"I know. I'm really tired today."
"Then stay home."
"I don't want to."
"Then get up."
"I also don't want to do that."
He huffs in exasperation, "are you trying to prepare me for life with kids?"
"Not on purpose," she cringes, "sorry, I'm getting up. For real."
He stands up straight to give her room to move, and watches as she sits there and sips her coffee longer. After a minute, he crosses his arms over his chest and gives her a look of concern.
"Rory, seriously. If you're this tired, please stay home."
The worry in his voice finally snaps her out of her mental fog. She shakes her head and carefully gets out of bed with her coffee.
"I'm okay. I'm up. I remember you saying something about donuts?"
He looks her over and smiles, "yes, and I thought we could attempt scrambled eggs again? You should have protein instead of straight sugar and carbs for breakfast."
"So protective," she taunts but nods in agreement, "okay. Luke taught me a trick! We have cream right? Or whole milk?"
"Sure, we have both I think. What are you going to do with it?"
She smiles proudly, "Luke said to add a little bit to the eggs before I put them in the pan. He said it helps to keep them from burning and makes them creamy!"
"Huh," Jess grunts with a dubious half smile, "he never taught me that one. I told you you're special to him."
"Don't be jealous," she teases, "he probably saw the desperation in my eyes. It's not like you need any more cooking tricks. I just want to be able to make our kids a real breakfast."
She turns to walk to the kitchen and his smile twitches downward slightly. He follows and watches as she takes out the necessary ingredients. Once it's all out on the counter, she turns to him with an excited smile. It weakens when she notices his more serious look.
"What's wrong?"
"I think I should tell you something."
She places her mug of coffee down and turns to him completely.
"What? You're freaking me out. You don't want multiple kids anymore or something?"
He shakes his head vigorously and steps up to place his hands on her arms, "no, nothing like that. Sorry. It's not that serious, I hope."
She looks back at him with her big eyes, waiting for him to continue.
"That day that I spoke to Luke about the birthday trip Lorelai planned, the day you came to my event in Rhode Island. We were having a pretty…vulnerable conversation. And I admitted to him that I wanted to have kids with you, that we had talked about it, and I was waiting for you to tell me when."
She nods in understanding. She crosses her arms over her chest and bites her lip in thought.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I didn't think it was a big deal, but now I'm thinking…that he probably knows what we're doing and why you changed your position at work. That maybe that's why he gave you the cooking tip."
That makes her lips tick up gently, and she gives him a little shrug.
"It's okay, Jess. I think it's really great you have that kind of relationship. And Luke has known me since I was a little girl. I know he isn't going to be gossiping or anything. He probably won't even say anything to Mom, which will no doubt annoy her."
He grins slightly but asks, "You sure?"
She nods in confirmation, dropping her arms to give him a hug.
"I'm sure," she mumbles against him, and then pulls back to fix him with a satisfied smile, "and this just proves how special you are to him too."
He shakes his head in playful disagreement, his eyes roam over her face, chest and then her hips. He grins.
"You know who is going to be even more special to him than us?"
She shakes her head and looks back at him with question. His hands skim down her arms to hold her gently at the hips.
"Our kids."
With a laughing smile she agrees, "you're right. He's going to spoil them, isn't he?"
"Oh yeah. You got a bundle of balloons at a table in the diner for your birthday, they will get a whole fucking party. I'm sure."
"I think that sounds great."
"It does. They will be very loved," he leans forward to place a kiss on her lips, "let's try and perfect these eggs, huh?"
"Okay," she nods and turns to the counter with him, then says with a pleased smile, "and even if I can't hack it, they will have plenty of other people to rely on for healthy breakfasts. Right?"
He grins and kisses the side of her face.
"Yep. Plenty."
An hour later, they knock on Brandon's door. It opens and Brandon stands before them, looking much less excited than either of them expected.
"Hey guys, come in," he steps to the side of the door to let them walk through. The apartment is small, but clean and welcoming.
"Nice place," Jess nods as he looks around and then back to Brandon, "where's your bedroom?"
Wordlessly, he leads them down a short hallway and opens up a door. Jess steps in first and looks around, at the piles of books and magazines, at the baskets of clothes and a pile of empty boxes on the bed.
"You didn't have time to start packing I guess?" Jess asks carefully, eyes shooting Rory a look of apology, "I wasn't expecting Rory to help with this part. Have you heard from Liam?"
Brandon sighs and rubs his hand on the back of his neck.
"I told him not to come."
Jess crosses his arms, his body language hardening in confusion.
"Why?"
"I don't know if I want to do this anymore."
Rory's eyes widen and she looks back and forth between Brandon and Jess, waiting for either of them to speak. She steps slightly more into the room.
"Um, what do you mean? Is everything okay?" she asks softly, causing Brandon's gaze to move towards her. He sits down on a bare corner of the bed and puts his face in his hands.
"This is so embarrassing."
"What is?" Jess asks, moving to stand in front of him.
"I…have feelings for someone. That lives closer to New York than Philadelphia."
Rory gasps quietly, bringing a hand to her mouth. Jess looks over at her and then back to Brandon.
"Okay…and?"
Brandon sighs and stands up, pacing between the small bit of open space between the door and his bed. Rory watches with engrossed attention, not having ever experienced this side of him before. He throws his arms up and looks at the ceiling as he confesses,
"I don't want to move."
"You don't want to move?!" Rory squeaks out, looking between him and Jess. Brandon looks at her and then to Jess, both nervous and confident in his words. Jess doesn't say anything, just stares at him with his arms crossed over his chest.
"I think I'm in love with Martha," Brandon proclaims, matching Jess's stance with a hard look, "I don't want to move further from her."
She is overcome with shock, and also emotion at his admission.
"You think you're in love with Martha and don't want to move further from her?!"
Brandon's head turns to her, giving her an incredulous look. He turns back to Jess and points behind him at Rory,
"Why is she just repeating everything I'm saying?"
Jess, who until this point seemed frozen in his standoffish attitude, softens his gaze and turns to look at his girlfriend. He takes in her watery eyes and her dropped jaw.
"It's so romantic!" she defends herself, "I'm sorry!"
His eyebrows rise, and he takes a step towards her.
"Are you about to cry? You look like you're about to cry."
She folds her lips in to close her mouth and shakes her head adamantly. He takes another cautious steps towards her. She nods again, but in contrast to her words, her eyes water more.
"It's just really sweet."
He pauses in front of her and looks her over and then looks at Brandon and back at her; caught between two people that need him right now. He looks at Brandon once more and gives him a short nod to let him know he will be right back. Taking one of Rory's hands, he walks her out of the room and down the hall for some privacy. He stands in front of her, and she looks back at him with a regretful look. He offers her a gentle smile and wraps his arms around her.
"Baby, you sound emotional. And while I fully respect your feelings, I need to try and convince Brandon this is a bad idea," he pushes back to look into her eyes, that seem calmer than before, "I'm going to take him somewhere nearby to talk. Do you mind getting started on packing some of his stuff up? Nothing heavy. Books, movies, music maybe. I'm sure I can get him on board with moving and going to college again. I just need twenty minutes alone with him."
She wipes her eyes and nods.
"Okay, but don't let him break her heart."
He gives her a look, "Rory…I need him to do what's right for him. I don't want any hearts broken, but it could happen. And Martha will be okay, she has a wonderful family and lots of people in her town that will take care of her. Brandon…he has me, and you. Sometimes his brother. And that's about it. Do you understand what I'm saying? He needs to do what's best for him right now."
She pouts slightly but nods.
"I know. Go ahead. I'll start packing books."
"Thank you," he brings a hand to her face and kisses her head, "you sure you're okay today?"
She shrugs, and their eyes meet; realization setting in both of them as they think about her fatigue and this emotional response.
"I think so," she says quietly. He swallows and smiles. He kisses her head again.
"We'll talk more about that later. I wish we could discuss it now, but…"
"You have to take care of Brandon," she replies in understanding, gives him a teasing smile, "your first son."
He laughs and rolls his eyes, "whatever. We'll be back. Thank you."
She stays put, until Jess leads Brandon out of the bedroom and out the door somewhere. She smiles to herself at the prospect that she might be pregnant; then looking around her, she sighs and heads to his room to start packing his stuff up.
"Is Rory okay?"
This is the first thing that Brandon has said to him since they left his bedroom. They now sit across from each other at a secluded table in a nearby coffee shop, both sipping cups of tea.
"She's fine, thanks for asking."
"Okay. She didn't seem fine."
"Well, like I told you before, Martha is like family to her. She's her godmother, and basically watched her grow up. So…this is a sensitive topic."
He watches closely as Brandon swallows and turns to look out the window; avoiding Jess's awaiting look.
"I'm sorry," Brandon mumbles, and now drops his head to look at the table, "I'm not trying to make it weird or complicated. I don't want to have these feelings. I've been fine hanging out with girls here and there. My life has been so…hectic. I was never interested in dating someone. I didn't want to let them close to that chaos. And even though things have been better, since you came into my life really, there's always that feeling of…impending doom. In the back of my mind. You know?"
Jess softens and takes a deep breath.
"I know what you mean, Brandon. I've been there too."
He looks up from the table to him, hesitant look on his face. Jess runs a hand through his hair before leaning forward to share more.
"You know some of my history with Rory. You don't know the worst of it, or maybe you have an idea, but you don't really know."
"What do you mean?"
He meets his eyes and takes a second to breathe before bearing himself in the interest of helping him.
"I was in love with Rory way before I ever told her. When we were dating in high school, I fell hard. But…I also had to take care of myself. Because I didn't have anyone really, besides my Uncle. And because I was so difficult, I didn't always fully have him either."
Brandon stares at him, listening to every word. Waiting for it to make sense.
"I basically stopped going to school, so I could work and save money. So I could depend on myself. This became a problem when they said I wasn't going to be able to graduate, and they wanted me to repeat the year or go to summer school. I couldn't do either of those things then, because I didn't want to be chained down by something like that. It all became a mess, and I wasn't emotionally mature enough to share that with Rory, and so after letting my frustration get the best of me and attempting to very inappropriately make a move on her during a party, I left town without another word to her," he looks up at the ceiling and then back, "well, that's not true. Unfortunately, the morning that I left, she ended up being on the bus I took. I still didn't tell her I was leaving, though it was obvious."
Brandon takes a breath, "you left her because you thought it was what you had to do."
"I still think it's what I had to do," Jess corrects him, "I could not leave my life in other people's hands any longer. And that's why I'm telling you this, because that's how it seems that you feel about moving to Philadelphia. I'm telling you this, because even though it was hard and it took me and Rory a very long time to get to a good place again, it was the right choice."
"Oh."
"I'm not saying I handled it correctly, with Rory. I should have done that part differently. And you definitely should not handle things with Martha that way. But, leaving so that I could figure my shit out, ultimately brought me peace. And it helped me become who I am today."
"I understand," Brandon mumbles, putting his face in his hands, "it's just hard. And weird."
"Trust me, working on yourself and investing in yourself like this, will set you up for healthier relationships in the future. And who knows, maybe that will be with Martha one day."
Brandon moves his hands to cross his arms over his chest, and Jess is relieved to see a change in his demeanor.
"And hey," Jess adds with a small smile, "the world is different now. It's easier to do the long distance thing, so you don't necessarily have to shut that door completely. You're already more intelligent at your age than I was, I'm sure you could handle it."
Brandon looks back at him, and eventually nods.
"Yeah. Maybe," he shrugs and then confesses with a guilty look, "it's also possible I'm infatuated because she wouldn't let me kiss her."
That makes Jess unexpectedly laugh, and he shakes his head.
"That will do it too. What happened? You tried to kiss her at the farm and Davey showed up?"
He shakes his head, and with a small smile that tells Jess he really does like this girl, he explains, "no. She actually came to say goodbye to me the next day, before we left to go home. She brought me these fucking amazing strawberry biscuit cookies. And she said she used the strawberries we picked together the night before."
"Wow," Jess whistles out, "if she's anything like Sookie, then that's definitely her love language."
"Right? It felt a little romantic," he shrugs "and god, those cookies were incredible. So, when she went to leave, I tried to kiss her, and she stepped away from me. But she was blushing, and she had a look on her face; she wasn't annoyed or offended, you know? She gave me this adorable smile and said, 'you have my number, use it' and left."
Jess nods a few times, "and now you're hooked."
Brandon blushes slightly as he admits, "I've texted her every day since."
"Well, like I said. There's no reason to stop talking to her. Just…don't throw away your own plans chasing that feeling."
Brandon meets his advice with a nod that makes Jess relax completely.
"Okay, I'm ready to move," he states, but he hesitates before standing up from the table, "can I ask a huge favor though?"
Jess gives him a look to go on; purposely not making a promise either way.
"Um, would it still be possible for me to move into the apartment in Truncheon? In case this thing with Martha does get serious…I don't really need to be on campus anymore."
Jess rubs his eyes and laughs humorlessly.
"I kinda thought you were joking when you said that's why you wanted to live on campus."
"Sorry. I wasn't. And now that I'll have the bike too, there is even less of a need for me to live there."
Jess sighs heavily but nods, "I'll call the guys on our way back and make sure it's still empty. Come on, let's go relieve Rory of her packing duties."
Brandon cringes as he follows him out, "sorry about that too."
"No problem. Hopefully she hasn't hurt herself yet."
….
Rory stands on the curb near the U-Haul truck, sipping a coffee and watching Jess, Brandon and Liam pack the last few boxes onto the truck. After they returned from a nearby cafe, Jess took her completely off any laborious duties, and she's spent the last few hours labeling boxes for them, helping Brandon gather and fold his laundry, and then picking up lunch for everyone. She was only a little bit surprised that he was able to change Brandon's mind, because she knows that he knows how to talk to him. And she knows she has been teasing him all morning about sending his 'son' off to college, but with all of the effort and care Jess has put in, it is hard to deny that's what their relationship is.
Finally, she watches with interested focus as Jess moves and maneuvers the motorcycle onto the truck. A light blush spreads across her cheeks; she squeezes her legs together to curb the growing ache there as she watches his muscles and hands smoothly bend and flex until the bike is in a stable position. He sends Brandon and Liam upstairs to check for any random leftover stuff, and then he walks up to her. She bites her lip, her eyes taking in his glistening olive skin and slightly dirty hands as he gets closer. As they move back up to his face, she finds him smirking, and she knows he's been watching her watch him. Her blush increases.
"Enjoying the show?" he taunts with a wink.
"Very much," she mumbles into her coffee.
"Good. I spent an extra long time getting the bike in there just for you."
She smiles wide, "you're so good to me."
"It's mutual," he leans in, not moving his messy hands from his hips as he kisses her cheek, "thanks for all of your help this morning."
She shrugs and covers her mouth as she yawns.
"You hardly let me do anything."
"You did plenty, thank you."
"It was nothing," she shrugs again, "so now what? Do I follow you guys down? Are you riding with me?"
He looks her face over, taking in the glassy, fatigued look in her eyes. His gaze wanders down to her lower stomach and then back up, and he makes a decision as she yawns again.
"Actually, I want you to go home. And rest. We've got it from here."
She frowns and crosses one arm over her chest.
"Why? Am I getting in the way? I can do more, you just won't let me!"
"Of course not," he answers quickly, "you're exhausted, Rory. And maybe there's a reason for that," his eyes move low again, "and if that is the reason, I don't really want you helping anymore anyway. It's going to be a long day, and I would hate for you to be miserable or uncomfortable and stuck in Philly with us. And it's over a two hour drive each way too. That's a lot."
"Jess, I'm fine," she insists, eyes rolling up slightly in exasperation, "you're being so overprotective today! I can help. I want to help. This is a big day!"
"Rory, please," he looks between her eyes, stepping closer to her, "I'm not trying to be 'overprotective'. I'm just trying to keep you healthy, and safe, and all the things that you need to be right now."
She whispers, "we don't even know if I'm pregnant yet. This is too much, Jess."
He shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair.
"I'm sorry that you feel that way," he mumbles in response, not backing down, "and it sucks that I'm about to leave for the rest of the day knowing that you're annoyed with me. But I would rather you be that then stuck in small spaces with all of us for the next eight hours, with nowhere to rest, and nothing really good to eat."
She huffs and turns to throw her now empty coffee cup in a nearby trash can. She turns back to him with both arms crossed over her chest now.
"You're being ridiculous."
"I'm sorry that you feel that way."
"Ugh, you're also being infuriating! Because you're making sense and you're being nice and saying all the right things! I just…I'm not fragile, you know."
"Oh, I know that," he mutters, eyebrow lifting up high, "believe me. I know exactly how not fragile you are. But…this isn't only about you."
Her eyes soften slightly at that, and her gaze drops to the sidewalk.
"Fatigue is one of the most common early signs," his gentle, rumbling voice calls her attention back to him. They hold each other's eye contact, until slowly a grin forms on her face.
"How do you know?"
He smirks slightly and shrugs one shoulder.
"I looked it up."
"You looked it up."
"Yep," he tilts his head towards her, "and you know what the best thing is for fatigue?"
She just looks at him, waiting to hear what she already knows he's going to say.
He holds a hand to his ear and nods, "yes, that's right. Rest. Let me drop you off at home, I'll have Brandon drive the truck. I'm not really into operating machinery that large, anyway. Gives me PTSD flashbacks of working at Walmart."
Despite the bit of frustration she still feels, she laughs at his words and finally gives in with a simple nod.
He soon pulls up to their apartment building, and puts the car in park. He holds his hand out to tell her to stay put as he steps out and walks around the car to open her door with a silly smile. It makes her laugh again, and he relaxes at the sound; happy to know that she's not so annoyed with him that she's immune to his charm. She takes his offered hand and steps out of the car. Before she knows what's happening, she is pressed up against him and fused together with a hot kiss. She gulps in air as he pulls away, he glances at her now red lips with a satisfied smile. He takes a hand from her waist and brings it to her face, pushing her hair back to hold her cheek.
"I'll be home later," he promises, "I'm not sure what time, so don't wait up for me. But I'll let you know when I'm leaving anyway."
She momentarily thinks of them as teenagers, surely inspired by Brandon's sudden Stars Hollow romance. And her mouth twists into an appreciative grin because he would never have made such a promise back then. It doesn't seem like much, but she knows that it is. She kisses him once more.
"Okay. Drive safe. And good luck with the move."
He nods and looks at her with pleading eyes.
"Rest."
"Okay," is all she says in response.
His face tightens slightly as he says, "and Rory…"
She eyes him, and watches as his eyes move to the place between her hips again. When their eyes meet again, she can see exactly what he wants to say but is afraid to because of a previous event between them. Any remaining annoyance evaporates from her body, and she gives him a soft, earnest look.
"I won't take a test without you. I promise."
Relief is evident all over his face, and they share a loving look before a final kiss goodbye.
"I'll see you later."
After a long nap and dreams about her and Jess as teenagers, she wakes up with thoughts about the past. It impels her to take some time with her book today, since she has the freedom to focus on it, being home alone and without work. As she reads through the last chapter she wrote (years ago - when Jess read the truth about her and Dean for the first time) she realizes that she soon has to introduce Logan.
Even though she plans to take time to finish the book at the end of her pregnancy, she decides it's time to close the door on Dean at least. As she writes about their quick and weird relationship, after she lost her virginity to him, she finds that while she still feels some shame, it has mostly morphed into a sadness for her younger self. For not allowing herself to acknowledge the bad things she felt, that led her to a decision like being with a married man. She had a pattern for most of her life of not facing difficult things. And she has worked on that and is better at it now. But she also knows, that with Jess by her side, he will always make sure she does too.
She thinks about the time and energy she spent on that second relationship with Dean because it was comfortable. They already knew each other, it was a connection to her home - it was all familiar. When she maybe should have spent that time on herself - getting to know herself better, learning to be alone or just resting because school constantly had her stressed out. She wishes she were strong enough then to do that, to pull herself away from the promising warmth of habit and familiarity. And because this book is not just supposed to be the facts of her life, she puts those thoughts in there too. Because maybe it will inspire someone else, maybe even her own daughter one day, to make the valiant effort of living for herself (which does not always mean indulging in fantasies to feed her ego, as she did with Dean. But actually, often means resisting those urges.)
Unfortunately, closing the door on Dean means facing Logan's entry into her life. She tries in vain to write outside of the context of their later history; she tries to put herself back into the mindset of nineteen year old Rory. The girl that was, yes, infuriated but also entertained and enthralled by his smugness and intellect. How he could always command a room, or a group of people, through his verbalized confidence and his belief (and he did believe it) that he could take ownership over anything. A party, a classroom. Her body.
And so creeps in the context. Because it's impossible to avoid it. All of these things that she found exciting, fresh and even sexy about him…. all led to that occurrence between them almost exactly seven years ago.
She takes a shuddering breath and skips ahead to the point where Dean broke up with her. But as she writes down the details of that party her grandparents threw, the short conversation between her and Dean that was the end of them, and the consolation she found in Logan and booze afterwards - she realizes why she found Logan appealing. Because he represented the part of her identity that she had not ever leaned into before, or rather indulged in the benefits of. The part of her that was privileged, the part of her that was the Gilmore legacy. Slowly, she can see how she started to dabble in that existence. Desiring someone like Logan, partying in the pool house in fancy dresses, drinking expensive scotch. Embracing and participating in the Life and Death Brigade even though she intended to eviscerate it as a bunch of rich kids with too much time and money.
This period of her life was a sort of acceptance of that identity; the socialite granddaughter that could no longer deny she had some similarities to the way Logan and his friends lived.
And she thinks about something that Jess wrote in his margin notes for her, in the chapter she wrote for him. He wondered, from the beginning of their friendship/relationship, how she handled living between those two worlds. But the truth is, she didn't really handle it or face it until much later in life. She simply did what people asked her to make them happy; whether it was 'coming out' at a debutante ball or having two birthday parties (because Lorelai had never figured out how to merge those two worlds either). She understands now that Logan had to happen, that this part of her life - though it brings her shame and some embarrassment to revisit - had to happen. She needed to find her rightful place somewhere in between the life she had with Lorelai, and the life her grandparents insisted she was born into. She needed to discover what her own expectations of herself were, not just the ones imposed on her by her mom, Emily, or Richard. She needed to see the pros and cons, if you will, of living as Rory Gilmore - daughter to Lorelai, versus living as Lorelai Leigh Gilmore - granddaughter to Richard and Emily Gilmore (who could afford to make mistakes, much like Logan).
She stops typing and sits back in her chair. She looks around her, and within her, considering everything. Looking at copies of her articles on the walls of their shared office space, Yale paraphernalia, and a lovely picture from Truncheon II's opening of her, Jess and her grandmother - she decides that, surely with the help of Jess, she has found an ethical existence in between those worlds. Working hard but turning to her connections for help when that's not enough, not keeping Jess or her relationship with him private from Emily, turning to her trust fund for emergencies only. And she is happy to recognize that Jess gets to benefit from some of that Gilmore privilege too, because he deserves at least some things to come easily to him.
She closes her laptop with a sigh and a half-smile because she did it: she wrote something about her past and it didn't wreck her, and in fact opened her eyes to some new awareness. This is how Jess told her it is supposed to feel, and this is how it felt when she wrote before the miscarriage. Her stomach growls and she checks the time on her phone to see it's nearing six at night. She stands up with a stretch, but as she goes to walk, she feels a familiar and annoying stickiness between her thighs.
"Damnit," she whisper-shouts in frustration, her lip trembling slightly as irrepressible emotions course through her. She doesn't look down to check, but instead shuffles to the bathroom. Throwing off her sweatpants, she looks up at the ceiling, not wanting to acknowledge it yet. But with her recent writings on her mind, she remembers her pattern of not wanting to face things. And so she looks down and faces it: the blood between her legs, and staining her clothes, is definitely not the 'light' implantation bleeding her books described as a sign of pregnancy.
"I have my period," she says the words quietly, but out loud to herself, trying to avoid getting pulled under by her own thoughts. But as her eyes burn, she allows herself to cry. There's no use pretending she's not disappointed, even knowing that it was pretty unlikely it would happen so quickly. Of course, all of the symptoms she felt earlier in the day could also be attributed to PMS. But she had hoped…
She takes a loud breath, wipes her eyes, and cleans herself up. Since she wants to fully face this, she walks back to the office to get her phone and call Jess to tell him. He doesn't answer, and she doesn't want to leave a voicemail or text message with the info, so she moves on. Feeling a little irritable and a lot hungry, she goes to the kitchen. As she looks through the fridge and freezer over and over again for something she might want, she then turns to the takeout menus. Fingering through them, she gets an idea. She decides to make the best of this. She's going to find a way to enjoy not being pregnant yet, even if she has to fake it until she makes it.
…
Jess walks up the stairs to their home later that night, slow and steady because his legs are exhausted from the day's work. Going up and down the stairs at Brandon's, and then again in the apartment above Truncheon, plus lifting and moving heavy furniture - he is feeling all of his forty years with every step he takes. He's in no hurry, because he knows Rory is most likely fast asleep by now. She called him earlier, but they never got a chance to catch up on the phone due to the amount of time it took getting Brandon set up in Philly. He did not leave until nine at night, and since she was so exhausted earlier he didn't want to run the risk of calling her back and waking her up. Instead, he sent her a text to let her know he's coming home and he's sorry it took so long. Finally, at 11:15pm, he unlocks and opens the door to the apartment with a sigh of relief.
He closes and locks it behind him and takes his dirty shoes off in the foyer. He can't really see into the living room from his position, but he does hear voices coming from the television and guesses she fell asleep on the couch. Quietly, he pads down the hall until she's in his line of sight. And he was right; she is passed out on the couch, curled up into a ball around a pillow, in a sweatshirt and pajama shorts. At first he smiles, appreciating her calm, sleeping form and that she actually listened to him and is resting. But then, as his conscious becomes more aware of the surroundings, his face falls in confusion. On the coffee table is a mostly empty bottle of wine, next to it is a plate that has two pieces of sushi on it, and next to that is a tray with remnants of charcuterie foods on it - cheeses and meats and crumbled crackers. A slight panic constricts his chest, because these are literally all of the things she should not be eating, according to a book he borrowed from her collection.
He can't quell his need for information, and gently sits on the edge of the couch.
"Rory," he places a hand on her hip and shakes her softly. He thinks about how hard it was to wake her up that morning and hopes that won't be the case again.
"Ror," he tries again, this time shaking her and squeezing one of her hands in his. She stirs, and he brings that hand to his mouth and places a kiss on the back of it. She finally opens her eyes with a deep breath, blinking as she looks around her and then slowly up at Jess. Now she feels panicked, because she is sure this whole scene looks suspicious to him. She sits up just a little too fast and immediately falls backwards again, head spinning and eyes dizzy, and covers her face with her hands. She is quickly reminded that she drank almost a full bottle of wine earlier.
"Rory! Are you okay?" he crouches on the floor next to her head, placing his hands on top of hers. She only nods, trying to settle the wooziness.
"You sat up too fast," he mumbles sympathetically, "I'll go get you some water."
"No, I'm okay," she responds, one of her hands shooting out to grab his. He listens and stays put. She removes her other hand from her face and turns to him, meeting his eyes with an overwhelming look.
"I didn't take a test without you," she insists, voice begging him to believe her, "I know how all of this looks. But I did not take a test without you, I swear."
He feels a mix of guilt and concern at her words, but also, yes, a little bit of comfort.
"It's okay. I believe you, Rory," he squeezes her hands and gives her a sweet look.
She looks a little uncertain still, and it makes him feel terrible.
"Even if you did take a test without me, I wouldn't be mad at you. Okay? It's not like it was before."
He sees her relax, in her posture and her eyes. She nods and then looks down at their entwined hands.
"I got my period."
He feels a bite of disappointment in his gut at this revelation, but he knew it was a possibility. And he knows that this is just the start of their journey and is no indication that they will continuously struggle. His biggest concern is her feelings about it. He moves to sit with her on the couch; he takes her in his arms, pressing his mouth against her head and holding her tightly around the waist.
"I'm sorry baby," he murmurs, "how are you feeling?"
She shrugs, "it's just the beginning. Right?"
His lips curve and he kisses her head again.
"Yes, it is. And it doesn't happen for most people right away, anyway. Nothing abnormal about it."
She swallows and nods.
"I know. It's just…" she looks down at where she's pulling on her sleeves, and seeing her old teenage habit makes Jess smile slightly, "it's annoying how almost seven years ago this happened by accident. You would think it would be even easier doing it on purpose."
Her words cause his smile to drop quickly into a frown. He doesn't know what to say at first, and in his silence Rory turns her head back up to look at him. At her awaiting look, he gives her a small smile.
"I get it, and you're right. It is annoying," he shrugs, "but…you know. A lot of things have to be right to get pregnant. For whatever reason, those things lined up then. And they will line up for us too, in one way or another."
He looks in her eyes and suggests carefully,
"I know it's hard but…try not to compare it. Everything about this is different."
Her face falls slightly in regret, and he tries to lighten the mood. To show her that he's not mad at another one of her old habits resurfacing, that he's just trying to be helpful.
"For instance, I didn't take over an entire town to dazzle you into bed. Maybe I should try that during your next fertile window?" he teases, lips and eyebrow perked up, "it might be the one and only time I call on Kirk for help. As much as he annoys me, he did nail the Alice in Wonderland theme at your mom and Luke's wedding."
He's satisfied to see her fighting a smile, and to hear a quiet laugh rumble through her.
"I'm sorry for doing the comparing thing," she apologizes sincerely, "I wrote a little bit of my book today, and I got to the point where Logan first came into my life. And then, after I stopped writing for the day, is when I realized I got my period so…"
"It was fresh on your mind," he murmurs in understanding, "it's okay. It's not really like you're comparing me and him anyway, which was more of the problem in the past."
She gives him a grateful smile, and a gentle kiss on the lips. He smirks.
"Although, there are some things I would be incredibly interested in hearing you compare between us. Can I tell you what they are?"
"Ugh, I'm sure I already know," she replies with a groan, "Jess, you know you're superior in every way. I'm not going to sit here and measure it for you."
"Hey, no one was talking about measuring," he throws a hand up and then gestures to his lap, "but if you want to, go right ahead. There's measuring tape in the kitchen, might be more efficient than a ruler."
She gapes and rolls her eyes, but as usual cannot hide her laughing smile.
"You are ridiculous."
"I try," he shrugs, but brings the conversation back to the topic he's truly interested in, "so you wrote today?"
She nods, "yes, I was inspired by Brandon and Martha's new romance."
He chuckles but makes a face as he says, "she baked him cookies."
Her eyes widen slightly, "oh she must like him a lot too, then. She is just like Sookie."
"I figured. I don't think he's going to break her heart," he remarks, earning him a happy smile, "I think it's more likely she might break his but. It has to happen at some point in his life. It's probably good it will happen with someone as sweet as her."
"You never know, they might figure it out."
"Maybe," he halfheartedly agrees, "can I read what you wrote?"
She hesitates before nodding, "yes, can I show you tomorrow though? I really don't need the Logan stuff to be on my mind any more tonight.
"Of course. Whenever you're ready."
He moves a hand from her waist to tangle in her hair, scratching her head lightly. Her eyes droop at the soothing motions and the muffled sounds of the tv in the background. But she laughs when he rumbles,
"I love the little party you threw here."
She turns her head to look at the scattered foods and her stained wine glass next to the half empty bottle. She shrugs again.
"I figured I should make the most of it."
"Brilliant," the word sounds teasing, but as she looks at his face she knows he's being genuine.
"It's silly."
"Not at all," he disagrees with a shake of his head, he moves his fingers from her hair to cup her face, "it's a way of dealing with it. And finding ways to cope is never silly."
His words make her smile; she turns her face to kiss his palm. He rubs his thumb on her cheek.
"I love you," she mumbles where her lips still rest against his skin.
"I love you too."
He pulls her face to him to kiss her lips.
"So, any leftovers from your party?" he inquires, with a pat on his stomach, "We had dinner hours ago. I'm feeling a little peckish."
She smiles wide, "there's a spicy tuna roll and a rainbow roll in the fridge with your name on it. Extra ginger on the side, just how you like it."
"God," he looks up at the ceiling dramatically, "I didn't think I could ever love you more. But here we are."
She giggles and nods fervently in firm agreement; because every time he's there to face something challenging with her, she really does fall for him a little more.
"Yep," she says when she calms, her eyes full of love as she echoes his words back to him, "here we are."
AN: someone asked me if I plan to torture Jess and Rory with the baby stuff, and so I figured other people are probably wondering that too! The answer is no, I do not plan for any devastating/torturous events - i want them to have babies as much as you do :)
but I am trying to be realistic, because pregnancy is a sensitive thing and I don't want to misrepresent it as something easy (especially in late 30s, 40s). I know this is fiction but those sorts of things are important to me.
anyway, don't be turned off by this chapter! I promise good things are coming, and I will not be tormenting you with a zillion chapters of them just trying :)
and thank you for that comment because I totally get it! it can be frustrating investing a lot of time in a story only for it to let you down in the end :') but i got you!
xoxo