063 - The Dame and the Newt
Elizabeth Bathory
Sinking into the waters of the excessively excessive Roman baths once again, Elizabeth can't help but let out a satisfied groan. Compared to the cold winters and drafty rooms of Castle Csejte, the technological and comfort superiority of the Romans is nothing short of pure bliss. Warm bliss that leaves her sighing in pure satisfaction.
Still… Stealing a side-glance towards the woman happily humming by her side, Elizabeth can't help but wonder about their current situation. How the heck did a honored guest like Elizabeth end up saddled with a roommate? It sure wasn't budget constraints, this palace had guest rooms to spare. It wasn't pettiness either, nobody had actually forced her to share a bedroom. Actually, a more introspective and self-critical person than Elizabeth might even say the fault lies on nobody other than Elizabeth herself.
Fortunately, Elizabeth isn't such a loser, so the fault obviously lies squarely at the feet of the Cake Queen. She had been the one to come to Elizabeth with her dumb overbearing smile and her stupidly pure charisma, holding Elizabeth's hand with a smile on her lips as she talked about silly things like sleepovers, doing each other's hair and talking about romance.
Even after the fact, Elizabeth still can't explain why she accepted, so it's obviously not her fault. She wasn't in full possession of her mental faculties. It's all because of the stupidly earnest queen and her stupidly blinding smiles!
And, much to her chagrin, she has no choice but to admit she ended up… enjoying the experience. Just a little bit! She had never really had any peers to have a sleepover with, or do any girl's talk… or any of these other things, really. And the damn Cake Queen was actually a great conversationalist. That straightforward, honest and pure charisma of hers at play, no doubt.
In fact, the more Elizabeth thinks about it, the more she -begrudgingly- realizes the two of them have some decent chemistry going on. The Cake Queen's earnest purity would play off rather well with her own proud and haughty persona. Maybe she could float with P-san the idea of a collab—
No, no, no! What are you thinking, Elizabeth? A collab with this monster can only possibly end up with your entire fanbase getting gobbled up by her! You can't afford direct comparisons between the two of you, that can only end poorly! Poorly for you! Why did you even consider it!?
… Shit, the Cake Queen is dangerous.
"Hmm…? Eli-chan?" As if reading Elizabeth's mind, the charisma monster suddenly turns her face around, making her stiffen in place. "What are you thinking about?"
"Hyek! I– I mean, I was thinking about…" Elizabeth manages to stammer out, fumbling for something to say. She can't very well voice her actual thoughts here, can she? "Yesterday! Yeah! I was thinking about… last evening!"
"Ah, it was actually the same for me! It must be this nice, warm bath bringing up good memories, oui?" Elizabeth finds herself nodding enthusiastically, too relieved at her distraction having worked to actually stop and process… wait, what does the bath have to do with anything? "Yesterday's bath was great after a busy day, but the real unforgettable part was what came afterwards!"
… Oh, that's what she meant.
Elizabeth feels her cheeks warm up at the reminder. As much as her memories from last night's sleepover flustered and mortified her, they at least helped her ignore the other mortifying incident. The real mortifying incident. P-san's hands are magic. Unfair, lewd magic that makes honest, hard-working idols drown in pleasure until they lose all sense of decorum to become nothing more than lewd female pigs.
Like one of these scandalous doujins Elizabeth only learned about so she could avoid reading!
"Y-Yeah, that's exactly it." Elizabeth agrees, feeling a bit more confident now that she actually knows what they are talking about. Even if the topic isn't exactly what she would've chosen for a chat, at least they have some common ground. The Cake Queen is a fellow victim here. "G– Geez, P-san better take responsibility after what she did. I can't get married anymore!"
"... Eh?"
"What do you mean, '…Eh?'?" Elizabeth asks incredulously. They are supposed to be on the same side here!
"Sorry, I just don't see how marriage has anything to do with this?" The Cake Queen asks, blinking confusedly. "We just had a great time together, right?"
It takes a moment for Elizabeth to realize this isn't a joke and she's actually expected to elaborate. Feeling her cheeks start to burn again, she starts wondering if maybe she shouldn't think up some excuse to flee the baths instead.
"B– But P-san put her hands all over my– our! Our n–naked bodies!" Come on, catch the meaning already! How much more blatant will you force Elizabeth to be? "She touched me– us! She touched us everywhere and made me feel all sorts of naughty and incredible things!"
Naughty and incredible things are supposed to be saved for after marriage! This is different from a bit of innocent fanservice, this is the sort of thing that makes you a scarlet woman unsuited for marriage! Is this how she turns into that old prune dungeon bat with delusions of grandeur? Seduced and taken advantage of by her very hot and very female Producer until her reputation is sullied forever and no fan wants to ever stan for her again?
"Is that supposed to be bad?" The Cake Queen puts a finger on her lips, tilting her head to the side in a stupidly adorable fashion. "But I used to do that all the time with my chambermaids, back at Versailles? We even practiced kissing sometimes, since it doesn't count between girls?"
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"Eli-chan? Did I say something wrong?" The incredible creature sharing a bath with Elizabet leans closer with a slightly worried frown, waving a hand in front of her eyes. "Hello? Eli-chan?"
Slowly, painfully, Elizabeth's poor and abused brain manages to digest the Cake Queen's bizarre declaration. That cannot be the truth, it's impossible that actually happened. To think one of the most famous queens in history would indulge in carnal relationships with her chambermaids on the regular and consider it normal and good... How scandalous!
"Eh– Eeeeeeeeeeeh? No way!" She takes a hand to her lips (to hide the delighted smile on her lips that most definitely doesn't match her words) in shock. "Is that something that happened often?"
"Well, it didn't happen every day? Sorry, I don't really know what's considered 'often' for these sorts of things." The Cake Queen apologizes with a confused smile, seemingly noticing Elizabeth's improving mood even if she has no clue what caused it. "The girls asked me not to bring up the topic around strangers. I loved them to bits but they could feel shy about the weirdest things, sometimes."
The rest of their bath time was spent with Elizabeth drilling the Cake Queen on her many, many naughty escapades and the spicy anecdotes of her surprisingly active nightlife. It's maybe… no, scratch that. It's definitely inappropriate for Elizabeth to take advantage of the girl's willingness to talk so freely about the topic, but she simply couldn't resist the lure of such great gossip material.
All in all, she's feeling much more energetic by the time they finally leave the baths behind. The mood between the two of them has definitely improved as they talk together and laugh together on their way to join P-san and the others. Maybe Elizabeth was wrong about the Cake Queen, dealing with her no longer feels like a chore that—
Wait, wait… wait.
Run that by her again.
Marie Antoinette, the Cake Queen.
One of the most famous queens in history, to the point she became a Heroic Spirit pretty much out of her queenliness alone.
Also, as much as Elizabeth is loath to admit, a genuinely kind and charismatic person.
And yet, she would indulge in carnal relationships with her chambermaids on the regular and consider it normal and good.
In fact, if her words are to be taken at face value, the only reason she usually keeps quiet about it is out of politeness. She's not even aware what she used to do was a naughty thing that should be kept secret!
Come to think of it, weren't lillies1 the symbol of the Crown of France? Is the Cake Queen a clueless yuri otome heroine? Is Elizabeths' virtue in danger from her too? Oh, who's she trying to fool, of course it is! It was a mistake to assume the Cake Queen was a kindred spirit.
Clearly, Elizabeth's besieged from all sides! Her only ally is the cinnamon bun and her naïve sister in arms would be useless in this kind of battlefield!
1: The word yuri (百合) translates literally to "lily". White lilies have been used since the Romantic era of Japanese literature to symbolize beauty and purity in women, and are a de facto symbol of the yuri genre.
Marie Antoinette.
Eli-chan has a very eclectic personality. Cheerfully chattering away one moment and panicking over something Marie doesn't even understand the very next, but she's a nice person all the same she's very glad fate conspired to make their paths converge.
Master and everyone else are great, Marie considers every moment spent in their company a blessing. But she's been missing something… more. A close confidant she can trust with everything, a reliable accomplice who will warn her of how terrible an idea is but will stand right by her side as she makes the mistake all the same. A…. What do young people call them nowadays? BFF?
Yeah, a BFF. That's the word.
She's pretty sure Eli-chan would make for a great BFF.
It's decided, then! Let it not be said Marie Antoinette is an indecisive queen incapable of committing to a choice! Best Friends Forever it is!
"Why are you smiling so much all of the sudden?" Eli-chan pauses halfway getting dressed to grumble and frown at Marie. "It's creepy. What do you want?"
"Nothing, nothing~!" Marie hums cheerfully, not taking it personally. If anything, she just smiles wider. The random bouts of prickliness aren't something Eli-chan would just to any random person, it means they are close! "Say, do you need help getting dressed? All these ribbons look amazing on you, but they must be a pain to put on every day!"
Eli-chan shoots Marie a disappointed glare that makes her feel like she's back to her childhood and just got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Not that she was ever caught with her hand in the cookie jar, but she can make an educated guess on how that would feel!
"We are Servants, you know?" Eli-chan deadpans. "I don't need to do this every day."
"... Ah." Yes, that's a good point.
"Whatever, I guess I could use a hand with my dress, yes." Eli-chan lets out a long-suffering sigh before proudly puffing up her chest. "Looking my best like this is a lot of hard work, you know?"
…And then immediately takes the chance to brag, forgetting what she just said a minute ago. But that's also part of her charm!
"Ah, I envy Eli-chan on that…" Marie sighs wistfully as she moves behind Eli-chan to help tie all the cute ribbons in place. "I wish I too could go through that thrilling experience of carefully picking up clothes that suit me and nice hairstyles while worrying about color coordination and the possibility of making poor choices, but everything looks good on me!"
For some reason, Eli-chan drops the ribbon she was holding and freezes in place. Then, slowly, very slowly, she turns around to face Marie with an incredulous expression on her face.
"... Are you trying to pick a fight?" She asks out of nowhere.
"… No?" No, really. What did Marie do to earn that reaction? What if she felt hurt by the unwarranted accusation?
Eli-chan can be very weird for a BFF!
Though that's exactly what makes her so cute~
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