Chapter 39: Floodgates

Silence fell between Leah and me as she processed what I'd shared with her. I felt equal parts relieved and distressed at what I'd told her. There was a part of me that felt better after telling her—a part of me had been waiting to finally open up to someone about it.

But the other part of me felt nothing but grief. I felt myself grieving the life that I could've had if I hadn't been turned.

"Natalie…I…I don't even know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," I whispered. "But…that's why I'm here. I don't want the same thing to happen to her. I can't watch someone else go through what I went through."

"Yeah, I can see that."

"Can I ask…why are you here?"

"My reasoning is a lot more selfish than yours," she warned.

I smiled. "No judgement here."

"Since I started phasing I've basically lived in the shadow of my ex-boyfriend," she said, sitting down next to me on the porch. "I told you I try to stay out of their heads when we phase but obviously some things slip through. It's…not easy hearing everyone's thoughts about me and my place in the pack, especially given my history with Sam.

"And don't get me wrong—I'm over that relationship and I'm happy for them in their engagement, but it's hard to not let it affect me," she continued. "It goes both ways, too—it's hard being the only woman in a group of all men. Obviously joining Jake's side I'm still the only woman, but it's on a much smaller scale and I can actually have some form of privacy again."

"I don't blame you," I said gently. "I can't imagine how isolating that must feel."

She laughed quietly. "I think you're the only person around who understands that level of isolation. You've just been isolated in a different way."

I laughed with her. "Yeah…I guess you're right."

"I know that I haven't really shown it, but…I am happy you're back," she admitted quietly. "Aside from being happy for Paul's sake, you're probably the only person here who actually understands me and my side of things."

"I'm happy to hear that," I said. "I was scared we wouldn't be able to patch things up. I really valued our friendship for the short time that we had it and I'm glad you seem to be okay with me again."

She laughed. "After you told me the reasoning behind why you left I knew I couldn't stay mad at you. It wouldn't have been fair of me to. You were just trying to protect him."

"I still wish I could've told you why I was leaving," I said. "I wish I could've asked you to take care of him and I wish that I could've at least said goodbye."

She was quiet for a few moments. "Yeah, I wish you could've said goodbye too. My mom was really upset too."

"Yeah…I know she was," I said. "I felt awful about it the whole time I was gone. I kept having to fight against coming back. I did everything I could to…distract myself while I was gone."

"Is that why your eyes are red?" she asked quietly.

I took a deep breath. "Yeah…yeah it is." Without her even prompting me, I launched into the full story of what had happened when I was gone. Since opening up about what had happened after my transformation, it felt like the floodgates had been blown apart and I could talk to Leah about anything.

She was quiet as she mulled over what I'd said. I could only imagine what was going through her head as she processed me telling her I'd been on a murderous rampage during my time away from Paul. When she spoke again, I hadn't been expecting the words to come out of her mouth at all.

"So…now that you and Paul are…" she trailed off, clearly unsure of what to call our current situation. "Are you going to start drinking human blood here?"

I was caught off guard and I took a few moments to consider how to answer her question. "No…no, I don't think I could do that here."

"Why?" she asked curiously.

"Well, of course there's the threat of the pack coming after me," I said with a nervous laugh. "But…this is my home now, I guess. I see these people all the time in my daily life. I couldn't imagine going after a human here."

"You've never drank human blood from somewhere you lived before?"

I took a deep breath—I hadn't fully divulged my blood drinking past to her just yet and I'd been reluctant to. "A long time ago, yes, when I didn't care as much about…about morals, I guess."

"Well…I'm glad you came to La Push when you did," she said.

"Me too," I said quietly, sending a small smile her way.

We quietly sat together for a few more moments until Jacob emerged from the tree-line, looking at us hesitantly.

"Are you two…okay now?" he asked.

I glanced at Leah, wanting her confirmation before I said anything. She smiled at Jake. "Yeah, we're fine."

"Sorry to break up your reunion, but I need to steal Leah," he said. "We have to go over plans and patrol schedules."

"Of course," I said, standing. Leah stood too and did something that caught me completely off guard—she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me.

When she let go of me, I glanced at Jake and saw that he looked just as surprised as I felt. "Thank you…for sharing."

"Thank you for listening," I said.

She smiled at me again and descended the steps of the porch to join Jacob in the forest with Seth. I watched them go, wishing that I could join them, before turning back to the Cullens' house.

I didn't want to go inside—I was sure the whole house had overheard my conversation with Leah and I really didn't want to talk to everyone about it. Up until now, I was confident that Edward was the only one who'd known my secret and I hadn't consented to him knowing it.

It wasn't his fault, obviously, and he'd thankfully never overstepped a boundary with me to ask about it.

But now…everyone knew. I'd made a last minute decision to tell Leah, but I'd really only ever wanted Paul to know. Now, the entire Cullen family probably knew as well as Jacob's entire pack.

I mentally prepared myself before opening the door and stepping inside. I felt myself internally putting my guard up, ready to tell all of them that I wasn't in the mood to talk about it.

But…no one was there. The front foyer was empty and the only sign of life was the living room where I heard the TV quietly playing a baseball game, but I didn't even know if anyone was actually watching it. I could only assume that Emmett and Jasper were there, trying to distract themselves with it.

I breathed a sigh of relief and ascended the stairs to go into my bedroom. The atmosphere could only be described as eerie as I walked through the hallway towards my room. I could hear the quiet murmurs of encouragement that Edward and Rosalie were giving Bella to help her through her pain. I heard Carlisle and Esme in Carlisle's office, discussing what the future held for them and their family.

I thought I heard whispers of plans to move away, but I didn't have the heart to eavesdrop on them at the moment. I went into my bedroom and wasn't surprised to find Alice, sitting cross-legged on my bed, looking nervous.

My brief feeling of relief disappeared at the look on her face. I wasn't quite out of the woods yet.

"I want to start off by saying that I am so sorry," she said quietly.

"You really don't have to say that."

"I had no idea—"

"I've never told anybody."

"I just…I have to ask…"

"Alice, I'd really rather not…"

"I know and I'm sorry," she said. "But because of what's happening with Bella right now, I just…I have to ask."

"What?"

"If you knew it was possible…why…why wouldn't you have told us? Warned us?" she asked—her tone wasn't accusatory, but her face was ashen.

"What?" I repeated.

"For a vampire…to…to get a human pregnant," she whispered the last word.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Alice…it wasn't a vampire who…who…" I couldn't finish my sentence.

"What?" she whispered.

"I…I was dating a vampire before I got turned," I said. "That part was true. But I…I cheated on him. And that's when I…well, you know."

"Shit," she said. I'd never heard Alice swear before. "Nat, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to overstep, I just…Edward is so panicked about Bella and I thought if you had some more information about—"

I cut her off by pulling her into a tight hug. "I get it. This is uncharted territory for all of us. If I had any information about this sort of situation I would've given it to you, I would've…I would've told you earlier. I would've tried to get over it enough to at least share it with you if I thought it'd help, but I knew…I knew it wouldn't."

"You know you can always talk to me about anything right?" she asked quietly.

"Of course I know that," I said. "It's just…it's never been something that I've opened up about. For what it's worth, I am glad that you know now. I was…I was so scared to tell anybody, to ever open about it. It's…my most painful memory."

"I understand why," she said. "Paul…he doesn't know right?"

I shook my head. "I've wanted to tell him but…I could never bring myself to. And then…this happened and if I tried to tell him after the Bella situation, he probably would've thought that I was using it as a way to…to convince him or guilt him or whatever."

"I don't think he'd think that way," she said. "I mean…I hope he wouldn't."

"Me too."

"I think you should tell him," she said. "It may help."

"You're right," I said. "I should. I just…I'll think about it."

She hugged me tightly. "I'm here for you, Nat. We all are."

"I appreciate that," I said. "More than you know."

She left my room and I closed the door behind her. I went over to my bed and laid flat on my back, staring up at the ceiling.

I wanted to tell Paul more than anything—well…I wanted to talk to Paul more than anything and be back in his arms.

I should've told him earlier. I shouldn't have waited until we were in this mess to tell him. I'd known what was on the horizon—Alice had warned me. I should've had some sense to tell him before our relationship imploded for the second time. If I told him now he'd think I was trying to guilt him into siding with us—he'd think I was using my fucked up history as leverage.

But then…on the other hand…would I want to be with someone who'd assume that I was like that? It would be a great test to see if he was actually who I wanted to be with, I supposed.

But at the same time…was it really fair of me to test him while tensions were so high between the pack and the Cullens? Emotions were running high and me dropping this on him during this whole mess didn't seem fair to him at all.

I sat up on the bed and grabbed my phone. I unlocked it and opened up Paul's contact page, staring at the little phone icon and knowing how easy it would be to just call him and smooth things over with him. To just tell him the truth.

The whole truth. The truth that he deserved.