Bang
A gunshot is fired
Thump
A body falls to the floor.
Bang
Bang
Two more shots are fired into the already dead body. One shot to the heart and one to the brain ensure that anyone playing dead is no longer doing so.
The invaders march on without another glance back.
In an upper level of NERV, Shinji Ikari sits alone under a stairway. His legs are pulled up against his chest, arms crossed over his legs, head resting on his arms. He didn't really want to be there, but he didn't care enough to move anymore. Rei had died, and then they had replaced her as easily as one might an old tool. NERV could make infinite clones of Rei, yet still made Asuka and Toji pilot. And he was hardly better, by piloting the EVA that was supposed to protect the world from the Angels, he had crippled first Toji's sister, giving NERV the leverage they needed to make Toji pilot, and then Toji himself. There was only one person left alive who he could relate to, and she hated him now. Not that it mattered much, she was in a coma, and might never wake up.
Still, even after all he had done, one last person had come through the hell that was his life to show him unconditional love. Then he had forced Shinji to kill him. Every time he took action, someone always got hurt. It would be better if he did nothing at all.
An announcement is broadcast over the intercoms of the floor, "Terminate EVA pilots on sight. Execution of non-combat personnel has been authorized."
A gunshot rang out nearby, followed by the clunk clunk of boots approaching down the narrow hallway.
He supposed it would all be over soon. He wondered what it would be like, not existing. Not worrying about what to do. Not worrying who among those he cared about he was going to hurt or kill next. Not getting hurt anymore sounded nice, although that would mean he'd have to die first. That would probably be painful. But at least it would be easy, and he couldn't hurt anyone else by doing it. Nobody would be able to hurt him anymore either. He was tired of being hurt. It seemed that on any given day, nobody could decide whether they would hurt his body, his brain, or his heart.
The soldier spoke.
"Third Child found, commencing Termination."
He reoriented himself towards Shinji.
"Sorry kid, nothing personal."
The soldier almost sounded cheerful. Somehow, a spark of jealousy rushed through Shinji as the gun pressed against his forehead. He shouldn't have a hard time doing this, and he probably won't be haunted by his actions afterwards, like I am.
Shinji waited for the brief window of pain, and the end to it all. The gun fired.
Unfortunately, it was the wrong gun.
Shinji lifted his head, confused. The soldier in front of him lay sideways on the ground, blood already pooling from a hole in his head onto the grimy floor.
Misato had saved him.
Shinji wiped the blood from his lips, and stared at his crimson-coated hand. Yet another person he cared about had died because of him. First Rei, now Misato. Neither of them bothered asking him if he wanted to carry on without them. Neither of them bothered to think that perhaps their lives might be more important to Shinji than his own. At least Rei had died to try and save Shinji. But it wasn't enough. Misato died to shove him into an entry plug one last time. Would he even still be able to sync? Who did he even have left? What was the point? Everyone who was ever nice to him was dead now.
The elevator doors swung open, and Shinji stepped forward into the chamber of Unit 01. Shinji shuffled forward a few feet to the railing, his brain taking several seconds to process what he saw. Once he did, he froze. Unit 01 was there, but Bakelite covered the entryway, entry plug, entire floor, and was all over Unit 01 itself. There was no way of activating it. He heard a familiar voice come over the intercoms, but it was devoid of all warmth.
"Of course that idiot Shinji is nowhere to be found!"
There was no lingering friendliness in the pet name, no teasing. It contained only anger and despair. Her last hope had just abandoned her.
He listened and did nothing as Asuka fought to the end. Yet another died because of him.
As if to taunt him, Unit 01 activated.
11 black stone pillars stand in a circle. One desk stands in the middle of the pillars occupied by an old man with gray, balding hair and a metallic gadget wrapped around his head, fully encasing his eyes and ears. As one, the voices of SEELE come out from each in chorus: "Through the destruction of the ego of Unit 01's pilot, humanity shall now be completed." The man at the desk, hands clasped, finishes the second half of the sermon: "The third retribution is finally at hand. Amen."
Unfortunately, humanity would never be completed, as the ego of Shinji Ikari had already been shattered.
"This Rei…" Shinji heard a voice talking to him, but he couldn't focus on it in his mind. Every one of his senses was being assaulted at once. He could still feel the false Lances of Longinus impaling his second palms. The entry plug smelled of blood, not entirely his own. The cyclone was still raging, now below him as he was above the clouds. Being in the upper atmosphere did not help his mental stability, however. The clouds and the Ayanami and Kaworu visages were not exactly giving him a physical landmark to calm his mind. Though all his other senses were getting ignored at the moment regardless. His brain was not processing any of the present input because the broken, cannibalized, desecrated body of Asuka's Evangelion was burned into his mind.
"What is it you wish for?" The voice was soft, feminine, and incredibly gentle, as if words were a sharpened sword and it was being careful not to injure a wounded animal.
Somehow, perhaps because of the voice it used and the dead blue haired girl it was associated with, that question got through. What did he wish for? He breathed in, and resisted gagging from the stench of blood as it traveled through his nasal passages and into his lungs.
He certainly didn't want to keep going. Everyone he had loved had been taken from him or had abandoned him. He tried to lay his palms on the controls to rest, and bit his tongue to resist crying out from the streams of pain that shot up from the center of his palms up through his arms and shoulders. What kind of a world would do this to him? What kind of a world would kill Rei and Asuka so cruelly after they had given it so much? What did they owe the world that demanded such suffering? He breathed the blood out, and vomited into the LCL as the image of Unit 02's last moments resurfaced, but now with Asuka in place of Unit 02. Her intestines lay on the outside of her chest, her left eye a bloody hole, and her right arm split precisely down the middle, blood slowly pouring out from her final, doomed attempt to keep fighting for a cause that would throw her away the moment she stopped serving her purpose. Her remaining eye was filled with the rage of her last moment, until the life drained away and a singular lifeless, soleless orb stared at Shinji. There was no such thing as kindness. This world had been made for the sole purpose of breaking him, and it had finally succeeded.
Nobody cares about me… so they can all just die.
"But you cannot remain yourself without others"
He thought back to the last few months, to what he had done when it really mattered, when others' had depended on him.
It would be better if I never existed. I should just die too.
There was a long pause, and Shinji's surroundings started to fade away. The voice previously coming from the Ayanami/Kaworu visage now seemed to be originating directly from inside his own head.
"Is that what you really believe?"
I… I don't know
Shinji felt all his pain cease, and slowly the clamor of the fight below and the roar of the wind around him faded away.
"Why do you hate living?"
I've made too many mistakes. No matter what, all I do is cause other people suffering. Nobody understands me for who I really am.
"Nobody understands you… I see."
A long period passed, and Shinji could no longer tell if he was awake or asleep. He had no sensory input from any of his senses, so it was hard to determine a sense of time.
Shinji felt a hand touch his, and he gasped from the shock of contact. He clung on to it, and slowly felt another body push against his. He dimly registered they were both naked, but he didn't care. Where the two touched, he felt a warm, comforting sensation. He felt another mind brush against his as well, and when the two touched he felt a rapid exchange of memories occur.
Rei?
"Not exactly. She is included within me, but I am more than her."
Can we just stay like this?
"We could, but you would slowly lose your identity. I am protecting you from contact with the rest of Instrumentality, but I cannot do so for long. Even now, your soul is seeking to break through my barriers and connect with the others."
Shinji felt the contact of another mind, and then several dozen more. Each time there was the exchange of memories, and he saw places he had never been and actions he had never taken as if he was the one who had lived through those moments and was taking those actions. He felt them judging his choices and was laid bare before them. The sensation was unbearable. A mixture of panic and overwhelming shame leaped throughout his body. This time, the sensation of contact was anything but overwhelming. His entire life laid out for strangers, all his actions and even thoughts naked for any to examine. Tiny parts of himself started to break away, and he panicked as he struggled to retain his sense of self. A larger group of souls gathered around him, and started sorting through moments in his life.
When his mother initiated the contact experiment.
When he was left by his father.
When he was called back by his father and made the decision to pilot EVA. He felt an unidentifiable something pass through "Rei's" mind, but he couldn't tell what it was.
When he was punched by Toji.
When he quit piloting. Tried to quit piloting.
When he saved Asuka.
When he kissed Asuka.
Asuka growing distant, slowly breaking apart as he uselessly stood by, unable to help her.
When Rei sacrificed herself for him.
When Kaworu confessed his love to him.
When Kaworu forced him to kill him.
And the cycle repeated, each time with someone else examining the series of actions he had taken, giving their own criticism on what he had done wrong, how he was lying to himself.
I… I can't. Take me away, this is worse than when I was alone.
"But you wanted others to understand who you really were."
A larger chunk of Shinji slipped away, and he grasped vainly in the air in an attempt to hold on to it.
I thought that understanding would stop the pain… but all this is everyone reliving the worst moments of my life over and over again!
"So you seek to return?"
I don't know if I can bear that either.
"Rei" thought for awhile. Shinji felt her warmth fade away, and reached out in vain to take it back.
I just want the pain to end.
"I'm afraid I can't do that. "Rei" smiled, walking backwards. Shinji slowly curled back up into a fetal position.
"I think you'll do better this time." The voice was fainter now.
This time? Just what do you mean?