Chapter twenty two- Love lives on

And even though I cry like crazy,

Even though it hurts so bad,

I'm thankful for the time God gave me,

Even though we couldn't make it last…

I'm learning how to live without you,

Even though I don't want to,

And even with you gone,

Love lives on…

-Mallary Hope

Three months later- November 10th

It had been months since Jo had attended her high school reunion and things had been going smoothly between her and Alex. There had been a few little hiccups, but nothing that communication didn't solve. Alex sees Jo walking down the hallway and rushes over to her and taps her on the shoulder, causing her to jump and turn around.

"Jesus Alex, you scared me," Jo gasps as she tries to catch her breath.

"There's a case coming into the ER for us... well you, it's general," Alex states. Jo had been spending the past few weeks on a general surgery rotation in order to round out her educational experience.

"What are the details? And why are you giving them to me instead of Grey?" Jo questions.

"Grey Is out sick so you'll be with Withers. He doesn't know your history so I figured I'd be moral support for you on this on," Alex responds.

"Why would my history matter?" Jo asks curiously.

"I know the patient. Her name is Natalie Mayfair, she's 31 years old, a mother of two boys, one of which I treated after he was born, and her husband died during surgery just over a year ago. She has a benign tumour sitting on her lung which is making it hard for her to breathe. She needs surgery to remove it but is refusing to have surgery because she's afraid she'll die too. Her eight year old son, Ben, called 911 when she collapsed because she was unable to breath," Alex explains.

Jo freezes for a moment before finding the words to speak, "moral support would be great."

"It's lucky I'm head of the department and can clear my day for you," Alex grins.

Jo looks up at Alex, "Thank you," She responds sincerely.

Walking down to the ER made Jo's heart beat fast. She was holding Alex's hand and the feeling of safety and security he was giving her didn't make her feel less anxious. The truth was that Jo knew exactly how this woman was feeling. It hadn't been too many years since Jo was afraid to have surgery after loosing her husband and the thought of living that memory and in that time of fear again made her anxious beyond a doubt.

As Jo walked closer to the ER bay in which her patient was located in she gripped Alex's hand tightly. Sensing the nerves from his girlfriend Alex attempts to reassure her, "It will be okay."

They meet up with Dr Withers outside of bay 4, "are you Dr Wilson?" Dr Withers asks.

Jo nods her head, "I am."

"Good. I'm Dr Withers, it's nice to meet you," he responds as he places his hand out and they shake hands, "you can present the case." Dr Withers hands Jo the tablet and then they walk into the bay.

"Hi Natalie, my name is Dr Wilson and this is Dr Withers, we're going to help you out today if that's okay," Jo announces. "Natalie, you were brought into the ER after a tumour located on your lung caused you to have difficulty breathing, is that correct?"

Natalie nods her head, "it is."

"I hear that your hesitant to have surgery to remove the tumour, would you like to tell me why that is?" Jo questions.

"My husband went in for a simple surgery last year, he died on the table and now I have to raise our kids alone. I am all these kids have, they can't loose me too," Natalie responds.

"I know how you feel, I do," Jo begins.

Flashback

"Jo, you've got no other option, you need to have a C- section," OB Sally Myers urges Jo. Jo had been in labour for the past 24 hours and now required a C- section, something which she was refusing.

Jo shakes her head profusely, "No, no surgery."

"I don't think you're understanding exactly what I'm saying. Your baby girl is in distress. The cord is compressed around her neck and It's effecting her ability to receive oxogen. We've tried to manually rotate her and free to cord but it hasn't worked. You need to have the surgery or your baby will die," Sally responds.

"If I have surgery I might die and I can't leave my two little children without a mother, they've already lost their father. It's not fair," Jo responds stubbornly.

"You are not going to die in surgery Jo, I'm not going to let that happen," Sally promises.

Jo shakes her head, "You can't promise that. You can't promise me that everything will be sunshines and rainbows and I'll wake up just fine, not when Chris went in for surgery and never woke up. He died from his surgery and I can't die too."

"Jo, I can see that your scared, that's perfectly understandable given what you've been through. Brain surgery and a C- section are two completely different ball games. They can't be compared. Chris' surgery, it was high risk and it was always going to be high risk. A C- section isn't high risk," Sally explains.

"Yeah, and what developed country has the highest maternal fatality rate? We do," Jo points out.

Sally bends down and looks at Jo sternly and directly in the eyes, "Jo, I preform them nearly everyday…. I've never lost anyone and I'm not about to start. This is what's best for you and the baby and I wouldn't be suggesting it if I didn't have complete faith in myself and your ability to pull through. You need this, This baby is Chris' legacy, his last chance to walk on this earth, to have an impact and to mean something and he needs you to have this surgery for your little girl."

"I want to be asleep, If I'm going to die and flatline then I don't want to have any knowledge of it coming," Jo responds.

Sally noids her head firmly, "We're not going to loose you Jo."

End flashback

"No," Natalie shakes her head, "you can't possibly know what I'm going through."

"Except that I do know Natalie," Jo begins. She takes a deep breath, "I lost my husband three years ago in surgery. We had two kids together and I was pregnant with our third at the time. I ended up needing a C- section but I was petrified at the thought of having surgery and not making it through. Who'd be there to look after my kids?"

"Did you have the surgery?" Natalie asks.

Jo nods her head, "I did. After a lot of convincing. And I know that grief is horrible. It breaks you into a million pieces, I know. But I promise you it will get easier...It's a process, I mean, it never goes away, but you do learn to live with it."

"How?" Natalie asks.

"For me, it was my kids. Learning to life again and to process everything I was feeling was overwhelming. I do have to credit my children for a lot of the healing. There was just something about seeing my husband still living though them that was very healing. It was hard... there was nothing easy about trying to raise three little lives by myself while working through the intense grief of loosing my husband, but It was really good to have that focus. They helped me survive and taught me how to live again. And if I didn't have the surgery I would have missed out on so much of my kids life... the milestones, the laughs, the joys and even the tantrums. All of those moments are priceless and I can't even begin to comprehend missing them," Jo explains.

"I don't know that I can... that I can risk it," Natalie continues to protest.

Jo sighs, "You will die if you don't have this surgery. Judging my the size of the tumour on your last scan I'd say you have a year before breathing starts to become too much and you won't be able to do it on your own anymore. Your kids will see you hooked up to a ventilator, in pain and agony. They will be scared and confused. And I know mother to mother, that you don't want your kids to see that."

Natalie sobs, "no, no. I don't. I'll have the surgery."

"I'll see you when you wake up in recovery," Jo responds firmly.