Disconnected.
That is the only way she knows how to explain her current feelings. Especially among her friends it feels like she is there, but she isn't there. Like she is floating down a river with no ability to do anything else but lay there and let the water carry her.
The nightmares came back. Her friends accidentally ripped off the bandage of everything she tried so hard to keep buried. The reminder of past traumas all came flooding back to the surface. An overwhelming tsunami of emotions and memories drowning her from the inside.
It's all too much. Again.
Her body has kept moving, eating, working, even talking when needed but if anyone asked her what was happening around her Clarke doubts, she would know. Hell, she doubts she would even hear the question as for most of the time it feels like her head is being held underwater. Everything is faded and distant. She's trapped in a spiral of her own emotions falling down a never-ending pit of despair. A large part of her has stared longingly out to the woods that surround them. Thoughts of disappearing into the trees to get away from everyone has crossed her mind on more than one occasion.
It was only Niylah's steady presence that stopped her from vanishing once more. An innate part of her refuses to part from Niylah again. To disappoint and hurt her as she managed to so often do. She tries to open up to her. To latch on to the Trikru woman as her only sanctuary in the growing storm.
But not even Niylah's unwavering presence is enough to stop her drifting away at times. Which only seems to further Clarke's stoop as each time she pulls away she hates herself for seeing the crestfallen way Niylah looks at her. Why does she always end up hurting Niylah? No matter what she does that always seems to be the invertible outcome.
Each time she opens her mouth it feels like all the oxygen is sucked from her lungs. She chokes on nothing grasping for words that are locked away behind some invisible barrier.
Fuck why is she like this? Why does she always do this? Why can't she just get over it and move on? Why is she always dragging herself back here?
Why is Niylah still with her?
That question lingers more than any of the others. After everything she has put Niylah through why does she bother to stick around? Surely, she knows she would be a thousand times better off without Clarke bringing her down with her all the time.
A hand squeezing her arm jolts her as she blinks back the remnants of the fire's smoke as the embers fizzle on the blackened cooling strips of wood. "Are you with me Klark?" Niylah's concerned-filled voice reaches her.
"Yes." She manages to croak out eyes quickly darting around revealing that it's nighttime and they are the only two remaining by the dying campfire. "Where-"
"They all went to be an hour ago," Niylah replies softly increasing the grip on her arm grounding Clarke to this reality.
"Oh..." Is the only thing she can think of to say in response to that. Time has been blurred together the past few days. All merging into one only broken when Niylah reaches through the shattered reality pulling her back.
"I've never seen you this bad," Niylah mumbles slumping into herself. Guilt weighed on her shoulders as it was a small mistake on her part that snowballed all of this. Despite Clarke telling her it's not her fault that something was bound to trigger her at some point it hasn't taken away the underlying blame Niylah has placed on herself. "You're not sleeping, you're barely eating, you always seem like you're somewhere else and I'm scared Klark. I can feel you slipping away."
She can feel herself slipping away. Lost in memories and haunted by dreams reminding her of all her failures. "I know."
"How can I help." There's an almost pleading aspect to Niylah's tone. A desperate need to know how she can help her.
But the truth is she doesn't know. Whenever this has happened before it was something that yanked her out. Not something she did. The darkness in her was forced back by the need for something else. First with the potential war with Azegda and then with Madi. This time there is nothing like that to pull her back leaving her trapped in a state of limbo. "I don't know if you can..." Clarke admits. "I don't know if I can."
Niylah sighs letting go of her arm before standing up and walking away. Parts of Clarke's mind and heart are screaming at her to follow. To go after Niylah and try to rid herself of this funk she has fallen into, but her body won't agree. It refuses to move as she just sits there watching Niylah enter their tent.
Turning back to the flicker sticks in front of her she wonders if this is their breaking point. If Niylah has finally realised that Clarke only seems to hurt the two of them. That this is the straw to break them for good.
Clarke felt a tearing sensation run through her chest. A slice threatening to cleave her in half, ripping her in two leaving behind an empty husk it's wake. A jagged and devastating blow that rams into her forcing her breath to catch in her throat. The utter look of defeat on Niylah's face tore into her like a blade cutting into the layers of self-doubt that have cloaked her for so long.
She doesn't know how she does it, but she somehow manages to pull herself to her feet and find her way to their tent. Pushing back the flaps the sight of Niylah packing a bag hits her like a hammer to the chest fracturing her already delicate heart. "Don't leave." She gasps out as panic sizes her throat.
The brokenness of her voice has Niylah dropping the bag and spinning around. "Klark."
"I... I know I'm difficult to love and times like this must be impossible to deal with but... please... "She begs fighting back the frantic rush of her thoughts wanting to detail everything but struggling to say what she needs. "Don't leave me... I... I can't do this without you. And I'm trying... I really am... and I-
Niylah rushes forward shushing her gripping onto her face drawing their heads to rest against each other. "I'm not leaving." She says firmly. "I'm not going anywhere without you. Not again. You are stuck with me now."
Her words say one thing but the bag full of clothes and gear says another. "Then..."
"Because being around everyone is killing you," Niylah tells her stroking her cheek with her thumb. "So, we're going to take a break from them. I talked it over with the others and we are going to camp away from everyone for a little while."
Niylah's not leaving her... they are leaving together. Like the two of them going on a vacation.
"Niylah." She breathes out still trying to process everything.
"I don't know how to help Klark." Niylah continues never wavering in the purely loving way she is looking at Clarke even when there is a hint of fear and concern mixed in there as well. "And it kills me to watch you suffer. The last two times something like this happened you got better when you were away from everyone so I'm hoping that will be the case here."
How did she ever manage to find someone like Niylah to love her? After everything she's done, she deserves horrible things. Not the kindest, most selfless and loving woman alive caring for her. "Ai hod yu in (I love you)."
A small smile is pulled from Niylah's lips. "Ai hod yu in seintaim (I love you too)." Niylah kisses her lightly before reaching down to grab the bag she's already packed. "Come on let's go."
"Shouldn't we wait until the morning?"
An amused laugh is Niylah's first response. "You're not going to sleep anytime soon. Why waste the moonlight laying around here when we could be getting far far away from this please."
"And if we run into something dangerous." She's not doubting Niylah's abilities to navigate the woods in the dark. The Trikru woman grew up among the trees but if anything was to happen to Niylah because of her she doesn't think she would come back from that.
Something happening to Niylah would be the final nail in her coffin.
Unaware of the sudden dark turn in her mind Niylah laughs pressing another kiss to her lips. "Don't worry Ai deimeika (my sun), I'll protect you."
She does in more ways than Clarke thinks Niylah will ever understand.
The further away from camp they get the more it feels like she can breathe again. Away from the prying eyes who have watched her like a hawk since the moment they derived that she was suicidal again inadvertently starting the spiral she lost herself in.
Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole into madness, it felt like her friend's well-intended efforts to stop her falling only seemed to push over the flimsy edge.
But being away from all the eyes and whispers has the instant effect of lifting a massive weight from her shoulders. Not that she is surprised. Niylah seemed to believe this would be beneficial and Niylah is better at understanding what she needs more then she is herself.
Trapesing through the forest at night was also a great idea on her part. Though she still has a few concerns about the wildlife that surrounds them it is not as threatening as it would be in other places. Less chances of running into a panther or bear then have been years ago.
There is something beautiful about walking through the woods during the night. A vastly different experience then from the day but no less beautiful. If anything, Clarke prefers to forest at night. Some people might find it more eyrie or scary but to her, it brings a different kind of peace.
There's a stillness to it. A form of peace and tranquillity that is lost during the vibrance with the rising sun. With clusters of light shining through the leaves basking the trees and plants in a milky glow is more satisfying than the orange glow during the day.
The fluorescence of the flowers and animals, an array of so many colours overtakes the dullness of the day. The night is different to the day. It's like a whole new world out here. One she could immerse herself in more as night also offers a sense of privacy. With everyone else asleep or curled away in their homes, there is more of a freedom at night.
The night was also the only time she properly got to be with Niylah. Using the cover of dark to sneak to her trading post or hide away from everyone else knowing that they could simply be with each other without having to worry about others coming to interrupt them.
No wonder night has become her more cherished time.
"Did I ever tell you why I started calling you Ai natshana (my moon)?" She was the one to first use a nickname in their relationship. Niylah started calling her ai deimeika (my sun) a little while after citing that if they are going to call each other cute names it seems like Skaikru likes to match thus the duality of their terms of endearment stuck.
However, she doesn't think in all their time together she ever explained to Niylah why she started calling my moon.
"I don't think so." Niylah pauses to think as they stroll through the wood trying to find a decent enough place to settle down for the night. They had seen a few places that seemed adequate enough while out hunting but neither of them seemed in a rush to get anywhere much more preferring to bask in their time together. "Why did you start calling me that."
"Because you were the only light in the darkness that eclipsed me. Back when I was lost in the woods, I was trapped in a never-ending nightmare. I wanted to die but that seemed too easy. A way to escape all the suffering I should go through for my actions. Most days I couldn't tell if I was dreaming or hallucinating. I saw them... the people I killed. They stalked me during my waking hours and haunted my sleep. Always staring, always accusing, always so angry or crying in pain. It was never-ending Niylah. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't do anything but try and run from everything."
They had talked about her time after the mountain and the strain it took on her mentally and emotionally. Niylah is the only one she ever felt comfortable talking to about that time in her life.
A time when all she wanted was to die but needed to suffer first.
Finn, Maya, Onya, Wells and her father were the ones who haunted her the most. The deaths that hurt her the most. The people she got killed because of her actions. They hated her and blamed her, and she couldn't fault them because everything they said was true.
She was the reason they were dead. And that has been something she has carried with her all her life. A list that always seems to keep growing stained with the blood of innocents lost because of her ill-thought decisions.
A haunting experience that although no longer lingers during the day still stalks her when she sleeps. The constant reminder of all those she has failed.
"But then you were there. You were kind to a complete stranger who looked on the verge of death and insanity. Most people would have turned and run. But you didn't. You were kind to me. You smiled and tried to help me. And for a moment everything that was awful in my life was gone."
She can't even imagine how bad she must have looked during their first meeting. Not the best way to meet the love of your life which is kind of on point for them really.
"You simply shun through the darkness like the moon lights up the night. And I know just how dark it is in my head at times. Yet no matter how dark it becomes you are always there bringing light back to my life. Even when we weren't together anymore you were still there acting as my guiding light. After all the awful things I have done, you have always been there when I needed you. Always dragging me back to the light."
An awe-filled expression overtakes Niylah's face only enhancing her natural beauty. "Well now me calling you ai demeika (my sun) because your hair shines in the sun seems stupid." Clarke laughs. A loud joyful thing that startles Niylah before her own smile grows onto her face seeing Clarke act more herself. Her light dragging Clarke back from the dark once again.
They stop near the cave they were thinking of staying in. One everyone deemed safe, and they intended to furnish more as a getaway from the camp. An idea posed to more of the couples then the singles.
One they have taken advantage of first it seems.
Niylah shook her head her hand coming up to cover her face as a small blush coloured her cheeks with her admission. "I should have said something like no matter how the sun goes down at the end of the day it always comes back. Because like it, you always seem to come back to me."
Very poetic and charming in its own way. But she much prefers what it really means.
"No, I love that is the reason. I love that it's silly yet still meaningful. And I will always come back to you because I love you." Tonight, there has been a lot of Niylah assuring Clarke of her love and she feels it's time to do the same. "I love how you understand me in a way no one else can, how even when you're angry with me you still let me in. I love how adorable and clingy you get when drunk, how that one time back in Arkadia you got so drunk with me, Monty, Harper, Bellamy, Rhys and Leo that when I helped you back to our room you kept hitting my hands away when I was trying to help you out of your shirt telling me you had a lover who would kill me for trying anything with you... which is pretty true to be fair."
Niylah turns red enough to be visible in the limited moonlight, hanging her head in shame at the memory she still refuses to acknowledge it happening. Refusing to believe she did something like that even going as far as trying to threaten Clarke by telling her that her lover was Wanheda, and she doesn't like to share.
It was utterly enchanting to watch as Niylah drunkenly fended her off before all but dropping onto their shared bed hugging her pillow and mumbling about missing Klark's warmth. Clarke had watched her for a few minutes as complete and utter devotion settled in her chest. It was in that moment she knew she loved Niylah.
Something she admitted to the older woman as she crawled into bed with her and Niylah mumbled back that she loved Klark so much but was worried their feelings weren't the same. A sentence that felt like a dagger to the chest. Only further increasing with Niylah adding she doesn't care if that's the case. Klark is too special and important to be tied to her anyway. She'll take what she can get from her.
The following day the two of them had a talk about their feelings with Clarke admitting her love first. They talked a lot about what they are to each other and how they want this relationship to go. Clarke knew that a lot was riding on her, that she was one of the people vital to the survival of the human race. But that she wanted to be with Niylah for how ever long they had left.
She guesses nothing has really changed since then in that regard. "I love how grumpy you are in the mornings, how you refuse to let me slip away muttering threats while pulling me closer, how you refuse to go to sleep until we're cuddling."
She could probably recite hundreds of reasons as to why she loves Niylah, it's so easy to adore every little aspect of her. Every little thing about her fills Clarke's heart with nothing but unconditional love and warmth.
"I simply lover you Niylah, and I can't imagine facing anything without you..." Clarke's voice trails off as is different sort of understanding settles within her chest. The rest of her speech is more of a quiet murmur as what she wants more than anything begins to form in her mind. "I can't imagine my life without you, and I never want to."
Niylah beams her that small knowing smile that never fails to make Clarke's heart skip a beat. "Well like I said I'm not going anywhere."
Tightening her hold on Niylah's arm she brings them to a stop taking a deep breath before asking her to, "Marry me."
"What." The shock of her question can be seen on Niylah's face. As can the building awe.
"Marry me." She reaffirms more confidently this time. "I love you more than anything and I want to be tied to you for all eternity." The clans see marriage as not just a union of their love but of their hearts and souls tying them to each other in this life and in what comes after.
She always thought it was beautiful, but right now, in this moment, she truly understands what that type of commitment means—what it is to share that with someone. And God, does she want that with Niylah?
"I love you and I know sometimes I am awful at showing it or get lost in my own head but that doesn't diminish the fact that my heart beats for you and you alone. From the moment our paths crossed my world has never been the same and I'm the better for it. You changed me, you make me a better person and I adore you. I adore everything about you, and I want everyone to know that. Forget the bet I want you. I want to be yours just as much as I want you to be mine. I don't want to waste any more of our precious time together you are the one I love, and I want a lifetime of love with you. A lifetime and whatever comes after I want to be with you."
Niylah bit her lip shyly, trying to tamp down the smile, but it shone through along with a small blush on her cheeks. "Are you sure?" Come the breathless question, a final out she could use.
Not that she needs or wants it. "I've never been surer of anything in my life. Will you Niylah of Trikru, Azegda, Wonkru and Finalkru marry me."
A beat passes, then another, then another, and for a faltering second Clarke fears Niylah will say no when Niylah finally answers elation bursts out of her as her already dazzling smile explodes taking over her whole face. "Yes."
"Yes," Clarke repeats unbelieving she heard her correctly.
"Yes, I will marry you." Niylah firmly yet gleefully tells her bringing head lips together. Niylah has always been her grounding force, the one to bring her back no matter what path she walks down. There have always been a lot of uncertainties in their future but the one thing they have always relied on is the other to see them through it.
This is just the next step on their path towards happiness. One they both bask in taking with the other.