A/N: Can I finish this before Spring Break ends? Nope. But am I going to try my best? Maybe :P

Standard disclaimers apply.

Chapter 5. Of Butterflies and Trains

"Thank you, Tomoe. I'll talk to you when I reach Hakodate." I stuffed my cellphone into my pocket and hurried down the train track to catch Hayate #15. I thought I could catch the earlier train, but with the last-minute packing, securing the urn, and traffic, I was forced to take the mid-morning train instead.

Which one did Soujirou say he was on again?

I shook my head and told myself to focus. I had a mission now. I need to find out who was blackmailing my dad. Not more silly cabbage.

If only I can find my seat…I frowned, walking past the rows of seat and wondering if this was even the right car.

"Kaoru?" I stopped mid-track, hearing a familiar voice, "I thought you were staying in Tokyo a little bit longer?"

I turned and saw a figure in an aisle seat, the collars of his white shirt peeking through a half-zipped light blue jacket.

Soujirou.

"Let me find my seat first." I said, not understanding the butterflies that suddenly appeared inside at the sight of him.

"Maybe you're my window buddy." He grinned, pointing to the empty seat next to him.

I looked at the numbers. Of all the coincidences…

I sat down next to him, hoping the butterflies would stop fluttering their wings.

"You okay?" He asked, putting down the book he was reading. "Your face is red."

I jumped a little. "I'm fine! I was just running because I thought I wasn't going to make it."

"Changed your mind last minute?" He teased gently.

I nodded my head, placing the urn carefully between my legs.

"Why?" He asked.

I opened my mouth to make up a story, but as soon as I met his clear gaze, I found the only thing I could tell him was the truth.

I told him about my witnessing my father's suicide, and how it was because of blackmailing. I described my mom's journal entry—the way she wrote about my dad saving a young boy from domestic violence and her plans to tell me and I could somehow make peace.

All the while I was telling him the story, Soujirou stared out of the window, watching the scenery fly by.

He didn't say anything right away after I finished. Then, somewhere after the train left Omiya station, Soujirou asked quietly, "Are you angry at the small boy?"

"What?"

"The boy your father saved," he explained, "If your father didn't save him, then your father wouldn't be blackmailed and everything may have been different for you and your family."

I rolled my eyes, "Why would I be angry at him? He was a victim and I'm proud that my dad was able to help him. It's those blackmailers who need to be brought to justice."

Soujirou heaved a sigh and said, "Is this why you're going back?"

"Hmm?" I did my best to look innocent, not quite ready to voice my thoughts out loud.

"Kaoru," He turned halfway to look at me straight in my eyes, "You're not thinking about revenge, are you?"

I was again taken aback by the color of his eyes—the navy blue like the summer ocean, glimmering on the surface but unmeasurably deep, and I whispered, "Yes."

Soujirou closed his eyes momentarily, breaking his spell on me. He opened them again and looked down to the urn.

"I don't think neither of your parents want you to do that." He said softly.

"I know." I replied curtly, "My mom wants me to make peace with those blackmailers, but I can't. It's not fair. They are somewhere out there, having the times of their lives, while I lived in shame of my dad's suicide and my mom overworked herself to an early death. They need to answer for their actions."

Soujirou kept his gaze on the urn. "Maybe what your mom meant wasn't for you to make peace with those people. Do you think it could be that she wants to tell you the truth so you could be at peace?"

"Be at peace with the truth?" I echoed his words.

He continued. "The blackmails have already happened and there's nothing you can do to change it, so maybe the best thing for you is to come to terms with it so you can move on with your life…" His gaze softened. "You must have had a really tough time, watching your dad die in front of you and living with the reputation of being the daughter of someone who committed suicide. Your mom probably thought that you would be happier knowing that your dad wasn't someone with a weak will, but he was actually a hero."

My gaze drifted down to the urn. Was this really what my mom wanted? Not for me to make peace with those bastards, but be at peace with myself?

I thought back to the nightmares I still have occasionally of my dad's body arching grotesquely, the jeering of my old classmates at me for being a single-parent child, and the way I stood alone in the funeral home picking up my mom's ashes.

"No." I blinked back the tears furiously. "No. My family…my family was destroyed by these monsters. I will not be at peace until they answer for their sins."

Soujirou looked back up to me with a curiously sad smile on his face, like he was watching a show he already knew the ending to.

"Promise me you won't do anything rash?" He held out his pinky.

I stared at it. "How old do you think I am, five?"

"Humor me."

"Fine." I grumbled and locked my pinky with his.

"Do Japanese pinky promise?" He asked me, changing the topic suddenly.

"Yeah, yubikiri and if you lie, you have to swallow a thousand needles." Remembering our initial meeting, I said, "Soujirou, your name is Japanese, but you don't know anything about Japan. Why?"

Soujirou picked up the book on his lap and replied, "I was born in Japan, but I left when I was around eight."

"And you don't remember anything?"

"A little bit," His eyes remained glued to his book, "But I didn't really stay within the Japanese American circle."

I had met people like that when I was at Berklee. Not just Japanese Americans, but second-generation students in general. To better fit in with their peers, they chose to turn away from their parents' culture and embraced the American culture as much as they could.

But…I stole a glance at Soujirou…he didn't strike me as the type to care about fitting in.

I wanted to ask more, but he seemed to be guarded about the subject.

Don't be nosy, Kaoru! I told myself silently.

I looked at the clock. There was two more hours until we reached Hachinohe, the final stop. The gentle rhythm of the train sounded a lot like a lullaby my mom used to sing when I was small and I yawned.

I shook my head in an effort to stay awake, but the all-nighter was catching up to me and before I knew it, I slipped into a dreamless sleep.

"Kaoru?" A voice, soft and close, stirred me from sleep.

"Hm?" I mumbled, nuzzling into my light blue pillow.

Wait…my pillows at home are gray…light blue?

I blinked drowsily, lifting my head, only to find Soujirou's face inches from mine, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

Horror dawned on me. I have been sleeping on his shoulder.

"I—I'm so sorry!" I shot upright, heat flooding my cheeks.

Soujirou chuckled. "Don't worry about it. You looked comfortable."

Mortified, I smoothed my hair, struggling to compose myself. "I—uh…wait." My hands shot to my lap, searching—empty. My stomach lurched.

The urn—Where did it go? Did I drop it in my sleep? Mom?!

Before the panic fully took over, Soujirou touched my arm gently. "Hey, I took the urn. Thought it might slip while you were asleep"

He handed me the urn and I sighed in relief. "Thank you."

The train slowed down and gave one last shudder before stopping completely. We have arrived in Hachinohe, the final stop of the our shinkansen.

"You ready?" Soujirou stood up and stretched, his shoulders rolling back as he did.

"Yep." I followed him off the train. The new shinkansen between Tokyo and Hakodate were still under construction, so we had to transfer to Hakucho #15, a different train that would take us to Hakodate.

"Excuse me?" A voice asked me in English, small and hesitant.

I stopped, turned around, and saw a small girl on the platform, her hands clutching and unclutching the sides of her bright pink coat.

"Yes?"

"I—I can't find my family." Her voice was small. "Would you mind helping me?"

Before I could answer, Soujirou reappeared at my side, his expression curious. "Kaoru?"

"I think she's lost," I explained to him before turning my attention back to the young girl. "I'd be happy to help. I'm Kaoru. What's your name?"

She looked up. "Tsubame. Tsubame Sanjo. My family and I were on the train together, but when we got off…I don't where they went."

"Do you know where you're traveling to?"

Tsubame nodded, her chin-length hair bobbing slightly with the movement. "Sapporo."

Soujirou handed me his train timetable.

I took a quick look and said. "I think we're on the same train. You have to take the Hakucho #15 to Hakodate and then transfer to the Hokuto #19 to get to Sapporo."

"What if they're also looking for me?" Tsubame bit her lips. "And I get on the train but they don't?"

"You're right." I folded up the timetable and frowned. "Let's go to the station office. They can make an announcement so your family can find you faster."

Tsubame fell into step beside me as we made our way against the crowd.

"Thank you for helping me." Tsubame glanced up at me, her cheeks slightly pink. "I noticed you on the train. It's been days since I heard other people speak English other than my family and I, so…I didn't mean to eavesdrop on you and your boyfriend!"

I nearly tripped. "He's not my boyfriend." I corrected, feeling warmth creep up my cheek.

The poor girl grew redder. "I'm so sorry! It's just that…I saw him take the jar from you and you were sleeping on his shoulder, so I thought…And he didn't move at all until you woke up…so I thought…" She clamped a hand over her mouth. "I'm so sorry!"

I blinked.

Soujirou didn't move at all? That was like…two hours? What?

I glanced over my shoulder. Soujirou was following us with an easy smile.

The butterflies were back, and I quickly looked away. "It's fine. I'm just glad to help."

At the station office, we gave Tsubame's information to the officer.

"You can still make it to the train," I told Soujirou just as a whistle pierced through the air.

"Too late." He tilted his head and gave me a lopsided grin.

After a few minutes, a woman came running toward us, her pleated burnt orange skirt billowing in the wind.

"Tsubame!" She gasped.

Tsubame jumped up from her seat and ran into the arms of the older woman.

"Mom!" She cried.

"We were so worried!" Tsubame's mom smoothed a flyway of Tsubame's hair. "Are you okay? Did you have to wait long? Oh sweetheart."

"It was all thanks to Kaoru." The young girl gestured toward me.

"Thank you so much, Kaoru-san!" The mom bowed deeply, "We are very grateful that you helped Tsubame. It's her first time in Japan, and we were so worried."

"It was no problem at all, Sanjou-san." I bowed in return.

"Please, call me Tae." The woman smiled warmly at me.

"I'm glad I was able to help, Tae."

Tae looked back down to Tsubame and took her hands, "Come on, let's go find Dad. He's by the front of the station. We were afraid you would leave the station."

"Bye Kaoru!" Tsubame waved.

I waved in return. The sight of the mom and daughter chatting happily hurt my eyes.

I used to walk along with my mom like that…

"That was nice of you." Soujirou's voice brought me back to reality.

"Anyone would have done it." I shrugged.

"Not anyone."

I pretended to study the timetable to avoid his warm gaze.

"We're stuck here for an hour." I announced, "Sorry. You could have caught the earlier train."

Soujirou shrugged. "It was worth it—seeing that some people actually have families who care about them."

I stared at him. There was something unreadable in his expression, something wistful beneath his usual lightheartedness.

"There must be people who care about you." I said awkwardly.

Soujirou murmured with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, "Yeah?"

I wanted to say I care, but the words were stuck in my throat.

I didn't know what I was feeling inside...or rather, I didn't want to know.

I was supposed to be independent and focused on finding the monsters who destroyed my family. I didn't have time for anything else.

I watched as his eyes dimmed, like the sky losing its brightness to an inevitable darkness.

I opened my mouth, wanting to do anything and everything to save the lights in his eyes.

But before I could, Soujirou took out his guidebook from his backpack and remarked. "So what's in Hachinohe?"

I sat in silence on the station bench, watching him busily read his book, the rustling of the dead leaves loud in my ears.

A/N: I did my best looking up train info in 2007 in Japan, which was surprisingly nostalgic. For example, the Hakucho (in some instances, Hakuchou) trains stopped working in 2016, when the Hokkaido Shinkansen opened. I got most of my info from various old Japanese travel forum posts so please let me know if the info's not correct :)

Updated 3/21/2025 12:49am EST