DISCLAIMER

Be warned, this is a very smutty story with many wild but purposeful mischaracterizations and bendings of canon. It's also very absurd, occasionally written fairly seriously and earnestly and other times written without a care in the world or dripping with satire. It's what I like about writing it- it always fits my mood, whether I'm feeling like writing some gritty intimate character moments or some completely absurd sex battles. I think it's a lot of fun, but don't continue reading if you're not into how I've described it. I won't be offended.

Prologue

Gohan and Bulma are somewhere in deep space- the two of them flying on an ugly ass starship to get to Namek and find the Dragon Shafts. It's been very boring since it was only the two of them on board. Krillin caught tuberculosis just before takeoff and was hospitalized due to complications. Gohan and Bulma were going just about stir crazy aboard that spiky ship- trying to keep themselves entertained with books and games and snacks, but the journey was long and full of absolutely nothing.

Gohan sits by the window, fully grown after spending several years in the hyperbolic time chamber after fighting Vegeta on Earth, which happened to occur after the Tournament of Power in Dragon Ball Super. I promise there is an explanation for this timeline. He watches planets and rocks fly by with half-closed eyes; beer cans litter the floor around him, most of them crushed and empty.

"God, you stink," Bulma says while walking by, "and I thought I would be the alcoholic on this ship. What happened to you?"

Gohan is silent for a moment- he just stares out into black space. Bulma leans in close beside him and taps his shoulder.

"Uh, hello? Gohan?" She says aloud, "So now he's completely lost it, great," she says quieter to herself, backing up a little. After waiting another moment, she stands back up and walks to a bed. On the floor around its base are empty containers of food and snacks, and scattered comics and books. She sits down on the soft blankets.

"Why are you like, naked?" Gohan finally says something.

"He's lost it and also he's horny, for fuck's sake," Bulma says under her breath, "Stop acting like a rapist," she says louder. Bulma is wearing a tank top and underwear.

"Big accusation. I'm not here to clap your cheeks, anyway- I'm looking for someone else," Gohan says, eyes glued to the window. An empty can bounces off his head. Gohan finally turns to look at Bulma, brow furrowed. "Don't throw shit at me."

"You make it pretty easy by leaving metal cans everywhere. Stop drinking, even I'm not that desperate," Bulma says, readjusting herself to lay down on the bed.

Gohan grunts as he turns back to stare out into space. A billboard flies by- Jerry and Reynold's interstellar diner? There's shit out here this far in the boonies?

"Hey, can we stop by this diner?" Gohan asks.

"No!" Bulma yells, face buried in a comic book.

"I'm going to the diner," Gohan says. Bulma throws the book down onto the floor and stares at the ceiling. She forgot to pack one of Earth's dragon shafts- she could have used it to pass the time a little.

"How about you have s word with me instead?" Bulma yells at Gohan, who was now on the other side of the ship.

"No I'm gonna eat food," Gohan said, grabbing the steering wheel, "And it's sex, not s word."

Gohan goes and eats from Jerry and Reynold's interstellar diner which is conveniently located within spitting distance of Namek. Seriously, you can spit on Namek from the booths. Gohan finishes up and comes back on board the spaceship, and Bulma takes the controls to speed the ship to the surface. Cui is waiting for them on the ground and shoots an energy blast through their ship right before it touches down.

"Dirty whore!" Gohan says. Bulma is tossed around and gets a concussion, incapacitating her for the entirety of the Namek saga. Gohan goes out to confront the perpetrator.

"Hey it's me, Cui" Cui says.

"That's what my dad from another multiverse says!" Gohan says sternly, "You can't steal his catchphrase!"

"Oh, but I did," Cui clarifies, "I KILLED Goku! I am multiversal Cui, stronger than ever! I killed your father in an alternate timeline and stole his strength. Watch this!" Cui whips out his Cui Cock. It's shaped really weird. "Kamecock!" He yells, and a beam of precum/ki shoots out of his cock.

"It's Kamehamecock you idiot!" Gohan yells, dodging the blast. It flies into the distance, obliterating an island. "Now I'll kill you, Cui!" Gohan pulls his hands back for a kamehameha of his own.

"No no stop that!" Gohan hears a voice from behind Cui- "I'm gonna kill Cui, that's what I do!"

It's Vegeta! The Saiyan Vegeta lands on the ground, sweaty from rushing towards Cui and Gohan at full speed.

"I just came from Freeza Planet 1125. Flew all the way here," Vegeta is out of breath, he puts his hands on his knees and hangs his head. "Hold on a minute-" Vegeta puts one finger up, barely able to speak through his struggled breathing.

"You're fine Vegeta, don't worry, take your time," Cui says, zipping up his Cui Cock.

"Oh fuck this!" Gohan says, firing the kamehameha that he had been cooking for the past few dozen seconds.

"Oh shit oh god!" Cui yells, stunned like a deer in headlights as the full mass of the kamehameha slams into his Cui body. He is obliterated.

"Asshole!" Vegeta yells, "I'll kill you for that!"

"I'd like to see you try," Gohan smirks, crouching into a firm stance. Suddenly Zarbon cums.

"It's me Zarbon," he smirks and flips his zarbon hair, "Now you need to cum help me get all the Dragon Shafts ;3 and in order to do that, we will need to jerk off all the Elder Gods."

Vegeta laughs. "Jerk off all the Elder Gods? No one has done that in untold ages, and you think you will be the first? Weak, pathetic, Zarbon?"

"Are you defying me? Defying master Freeza's orders?" Zarbon scoffs. He is dumbfounded at Vegeta's insubordinance.

"That's right, Zarbon. I am officially betraying you and the Freeza Force! I am above you!" Vegeta yells triumphantly. He then punches Zarbon in his zarbon-ey face. "Gah!" Zarbon yells, flying far back due to the punch's impact. Gohan zips in and catches Zarbon, saving his supple skin from rough impact with the ground. "But know this, Zarbon… I would never betray my beautiful anime wife, Freeza!" Vegeta adds.

"I should have known Vegeta would betray us again, after he like, tried to kill Freeza a ton of years ago. He rejoined the Freeza Force like, last week, and honestly I don't know why anyone let him on. He's killed a ton of soldiers we managed to revive after Freeza's death at the hands of the Saiyan, Goku, and-" Zarbon gets interrupted by Gohan.

"I'm sorry, Zarbon… Vegeta is an awful man," Gohan says.

"I know," Zarbon says, through pained groans. They then kiss.

"Oh ew! Gross!" Vegeta says, cringing. He flies off and vomits in midair.

"No one will deny our love!" Gohan yells to Vegeta, "Now fly away! Fly far away!" And he shakes his fist like an angry old man for added effect. Somewhere nearby, Vegeta's vomit lands on an eavesdropping Dodoria, and its extremely acidic contents burns Dodoria alive and melts his bones.

6 days pass, and for all those days, Gohan forgets his mission and just has hot gay sex with Zarbon in their cum cave. Freeza and Vegeta get to work trying to find all the Namekian Dragon Shafts.