Or: John of Patmos Gets Friggin' Gaslit by a Giant Floating Eyeball.
Act 1: John of Patmos is Tired as Hell
It had been a long few weeks. John of Patmos sat at his desk, hunched over a scroll, eyes bloodshot, hands shaking from divine caffeine withdrawal. He had seen horrors beyond imagination, and yet he still had to write them down.
John: "Alright, dragons, fire, plagues, Antichrist… yeah, yeah, this is all good doom-and-gloom. Almost done."
And just then, without warning—
A MASSIVE FLOATING EYE WREATHED IN HOLY FIRE BURSTS INTO THE ROOM.
Ophanim: "SON OF MAN! BE NOT AFRAID!"
John (screaming, flipping over his desk): "OH, WHAT THE F*?!"*
Act 2: The Angel is a Dumbass
John grabs a chair, ready to throw hands with the flaming eyeball.
John: "WHAT DO YOU WANT?! I'M ALREADY WRITING YOUR FRIGGIN' APOCALYPSE BOOK!"
Ophanim: "I HAVE BEEN SENT BY THE MONAD TO BRING YOU A DIRE REVELATION!"
John (flailing his arms in frustration): "A *DIRE REVELATION?!* I'M ALREADY WRITING ABOUT A DIRE REVELATION! WHAT THE F* ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! AND WHAT THE F* IS A MONAD?!"
The Ophanim clears its throat (somehow, despite having no throat).
Ophanim: "THE MONAD IS THE SOURCE OF ALL! THE TRUE DIVINE LIGHT! THE EMBODIMENT OF ENLIGHTENMENT AND PERFEC—"
John (cutting him off): "Okay, okay, cool story, but WHY do you show up screaming 'BE NOT AFRAID' when you're a GIANT FLOATING EYEBALL?!"
A long silence.
The Ophanim awkwardly shifts in place, realizing John has a point.
Ophanim (quietly): "…Not cool, dude. Not cool."
Act 3: The Rise of the Vixen of Blood
The Ophanim, *slightly offended but still on a mission* blasts John's brain with a vision.
John's eyes widen as he beholds the horrors of the future.
Ophanim (booming voice): "AND LO, A WOMAN—ONCE HUMAN, NOW ASCENDED—A PERFECT LIVING BLASPHEMY OF MAN AND BEAST! WHERE ONCE SHE WAS LIKE A FOX, NOW SHE IS A FOX—LITERALLY!"
John rubs his temples.
John: "So, uh… what's her name?"
Ophanim: "THE TRUE NAME IS NOT KNOWN! WE ONLY CALL HER THE VIXEN OF BLOOD! OR SOMETIMES, THE VIXEN IN BLACK! OR THE BEASTLY ORDER'S PROPHETESS! …LOOK, NAMES AREN'T MY JOB!"
John: "Okay, okay, but… why did she *want* to become a fox lady?"*
Ophanim: "…THAT I HAVE NO CLUE."
Act 4: Shit Gets Even Weirder
The vision continues.
John watches in horror as the Vixen of Blood rises to power. Entire nations fall. Religions crumble. Humanity kneels—not by force, but by choice. They accept their fate, not realizing what it costs.
One by one, they willingly surrender their humanity, becoming hybrids of man and beast.
John: "So… is she, like, the Antichrist?"
Ophanim: "NAH, SHE'S *WAY WORSE."
John: "Oh, great."
Then, from the chaotic sea, a monstrous beast rises—
Ophanim: "AND LO! A GREAT BEAST WITH SEVEN HEADS, SEVEN HORNS, AND SEVEN CROWNS! IT SHALL RISE UP TO SPEAK BLASPHEMY BUT SEE THE WICKEDNESS OF MAN AND CRY, *'WHO DOTH STOLE MY JOB?!'*"*
John blinks in confusion.
John: "Wait, what?!"
Ophanim: "BUT THE BEAST'S JEALOUSY WILL TURN TO GENUINE FEAR WHEN IT SEES THE MADNESS OF MAN! SEEING HUMANITY TRANSCEND INTO BEAST, THE BEAST WILL CRY—"
Ophanim (dramatic pause): "'NOPE! NAH UH!' AND RETURN TO THE SEA FROM WHENCE IT CAME!"
John: "Hold on, even *the Beast of the Apocalypse* nopes out?!"
Ophanim: "YEAH, PRETTY MUCH."
Act 5: The Chaos Emeralds Are Now Satanic
The vision shifts again.
John sees the Vixen of Blood reaching out toward sacred relics—seven glowing gems of immense power.
Ophanim: "AND LO! SHE SHALL CORRUPT THE MONAD'S PHYSICAL EMBODIMENTS OF THE DIVINE SPARK! THE CHAOS EMERALDS SHALL FALL INTO HER GRASP, AND WITH THEM, THE FINAL FUSION OF MAN AND BEAST SHALL BE COMPLETE!"
John stares, baffled.
John: "Wait. Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me that *CHAOS EMERALDS* are tied to this?"
Ophanim: "…YEAH, IT'S A WHOLE THING."
John: "This is the dumbest revelation I've ever had."
Ophanim: "YEAH, BUT IT'S TRUE."
Act 6: The Vixen Falls… Eventually
John: "Okay, so… she wins?"
Ophanim: "WELL, FOR A WHILE."
John sees humanity fighting back. The war is hopeless. The Process Church overwhelms all resistance. The world burns.
But then—the Vixen of Blood oversteps her bounds.
Ophanim: "AND LO, EVEN GODS CAN DIE LIKE ALL TYRANTS."
John: "Oh. Well, that's convenient."
Ophanim: "BUT YOU WON'T BE ALIVE TO SEE IT, SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. JUST UPDATE YOUR BOOK, GET IT OUT THERE, AND MAKE SURE EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS THE WARNING!"
John sighs, rubbing his temples.
John: "No pressure, huh?"
Ophanim: "WELL, ANYWAY, I'M OUT. PEACE."
And just like that, the angel vanishes in a flash of divine light.
John stares at the empty space where it once was, then buries his face in his hands.
John: "Aaaaahhhhhh crap! People are gonna misunderstand *everything* in this damn book in the future! I JUST KNOW IT!"*
THE END.