BZZZT!
THOOM.
The television crackles and hums to life. On the screen, the cartoon starts up. The title card for
the popular series "The Ant & the Aardvark" pops up. The jazzy, cheerful music makes you want
to dance, as the blue letters of the word "Aardvark" chase the red letters of the word "Ant"
across the screen, before the title of the episode pops up. "What a Womble-full World!"
The credits roll, and the screen fades to black for but a moment...then as color returns, you find
yourself staring at a sketchy, sandy, pink background. Into the frame steps the paunchy Blue
Aardvark. He is solid, medium blue - his body, baggy t-shirt, and shorts all matching - save for a
few scraggly, stringy hairs on his head and the whiskers on his snout, along with the
black-and-white of his large, tired-looking eyes. The end of his long, trunk-like snout curls into a
wry smirk and he places his hands on his wide, round hips. He speaks in a curious, wheezy,
grunting voice.
"Hullo. I'm an anteater. An' let me tell ya, it ain't all sunshine an' roses bein' an anteater. I have
to eat at least a pound of ants a day just to keep fed. That may not sound like a lot t'you, but
when you figure how small those little morsels get? It takes a lot o' ants!"
On cue, the Aardvark's stomach rumbles so loudly, his belly actually shakes. He winces and
clutches his fat gut with both hands, eyes clenching tight, before looking back out through the
fourth wall to you.
"Oof...t'make matters worse, I haven't even caught a single snack yet today!" he moans, then
wearily looks off to something out of the frame. "Oho! What's this?!"
You see a bright yellow banana, seemingly hovering just above the ground, drift past the
Aardvark's feet. He scratches his head.
"Now, I've never heard of a ghost that steals fruit. So, there's only one other solution…"
A determined look in his eyes, the Aardvark marches after the "floating" banana, gets in front of
it, and holds out a hand.
"Halt!" he exclaims, then reaches down and lifts the banana with one hand. Sure enough,
underneath the banana is a bright red ant - just as solid in color as the Aardvark.
"Hey, what's the big idea?" Charlie the Ant drawls with a Southern twang in his voice.
"Little ant, I wanna talk about yer future," the Aardvark says.
"Look, Ol' Blue, I don' have time fer this kinda thing today," Charlie sighs pleadingly. "I jus'
wanna get some food back to my new home, all right?"
"Ahh, but I can get you to your new home much faster! I know just where it is!"
Charlie raises an animated eyebrow, his lips curling; he clearly knows exactly where this is
going, and looks out to the audience.
"Y'know, if I didn't play along with that," he chuckles, "It'd break this big boy's heart."
He then looks back up at the Aardvark and, with a slight smirk, calls out: "All right, I'll bite, Ol'
Blue: where's my new home?"
"Funny you should ask! It's in MY STOMACH!" the Aardvark shouts, and makes a snatch for
the ant with one hand, only for Charlie to duck and run underneath the Aardvark's legs. With a
sneer on his snout, the Aardvark gives chase, tossing the banana into the air.
The banana soars through the air, then hits the ground AHEAD of the two. Charlie runs right
past it...but the Blue Aardvark, so focused on trying to snag his prey, doesn't even notice.
Inevitably, the Aardvark steps on the banana.
"Whoops!" he cries out, slipping backwards and landing on his round, fat rump.
At the same time - in typical cartoony fashion - the fruit of the banana shoots right out from its
skin like a missile...and flies straight into Charlie's anthill. The red ant laughs.
"Thanks fer the help, pal!" he hollers, then bounces into his anthill.
"Ugh!" the Aardvark groans in frustration, pounding one of his fists into the pink sand below
him, then he looks back out to the audience. "I might as well give up! If I can't catch even a
single ant, what kind of anteater am I?!"
"Maybe I can help!" calls out a new, youthful, unfamiliar voice.
The Aarvark glances about to find the source of the voice, and the camera speedily pans across
the pink sandy backdrop to seek it out, too.
Waddling up towards the Aardvark, a cheery smile on his face, is a rotund little critter, about the
same height as the Aardvark (and significantly chubbier), dressed in a brown leather jacket with
a cream-colored fur trim, and with a brown fedora upon his little round head. He has baggy ears
lined with peach-colored fur, which matches the fur on his face and paws, while the rest of him is
a snowy white. He vaguely resembles a cross between some sort of adorable puppy dog and a
teddy bear, and has a collar of brown fur around his neck, almost like a mane. His blue eyes are
alight with optimism and an eager look of helpfulness. He waves to the Aardvark, who blinks,
and tilts his head.
"Well, well. Yer the funniest lookin' dog I've ever seen!" he says.
The creature giggles childishly.
"No, silly! I'm not a dog!"
"Oho? Okay, then, what are ya?"
"My name is Kent, and I'm a womble! I see you're having trouble catching that ant, and I want
to help you out!"
"You?" the Aardvark exclaims, pointing first to Kent, then to himself. "Help me?"
"Sure! I know what it's like to go hungry...maybe together, you and I can catch that rascal of an
ant, and fill your belly at last!"
"Hm. Maybe I'm jus' desperate at this point," the Aardvark mutters, standing up. "But if it
means finally gettin' fed, I'm with you!"
The Aardvark's snout curls into a smile, and he and the womble shake hands.
"Fantastic!" smiles Kent, and rubs his hands together. "Now, let's get to work…"
He places his arm around the Aardvark's shoulder, and they walk out of frame, as things once
again fade to black…Color returns, and Kent is carrying a large bundle of orange and black in his arms.
"Here's the idea," he says to the Blue Aardvark, who stands next to him, "When that ant comes
back from the picnic across the way again, you'll follow him from the bushes. I'll be in this tiger
suit, and I'll jump up and scare him. He'll run right back towards you, and you can catch him!"
"Sounds good to me, big guy!" the Aardvark smiles. "Now, you better go an' get into that
costume o' yers! I'll keep an eye open for that ant!"
Kent nods, and waddles off. The Aardvark smirks, and glances back. His eyes light up and his
ears flick upwards at what he sees.
"Aha! Here he comes!" he informs the audience, and leaps behind a nearby bush.
Charlie the Ant enters the scene, carrying a massive watermelon.
"It's a good thing we ants can carry a thousand times our weight," he mumbles, "Or else this
would be really difficult."
The bush seems to sprout two blue legs, and follows the ant about. Charlie stops at one point,
and glances back...only for the bush to seemingly be just a bush again. He shrugs, and continues
on his way.
A large, burly, orange-and-black tiger comes into view, sleeping curled up on the ground. The
Aardvark pokes his head out of the bush as he sits beside the sleeping big cat, and whispers to
the feline.
"That's a real great disguise, my friend!" he congratulates. That ant won't know what hit 'im!
Oh-oh! Here he comes!"
He ducks back into the bush. Charlie and his watermelon come into view...and the tiger
continues to sleep as the ant walks right past him.
Charlie tosses the watermelon into the air, and it drops into the anthill. It gets stuck about
halfway in, so the red ant hops up onto it, stomps a few times...and both he and the large fruit
vanish into the anthill.
The Aardvark gapes and gawks as he leaps out of the bush, flabbergasted, then clenches his fist
and glares at the tiger.
"Hey! What's the big idea! You were s'posed to give 'im a scare!"
The tiger continues to sleep.
"HEY! I'm talkin' t'you!" the Aardvark snaps, and reaches out and pulls on the big cat's tail.
"YOWL!" the tiger roars, and wakes up, grabbing the Aardvark by the throat, teeth bared in a
vicious snarl.
The Aardvark blinks, trembling nervously.
"Oh. Y-you're - ulp! - a real tiger! Heh heh...heh…my mistake?"
The screen cuts to a shot of nothing but the pink backdrop, and the sounds of someone being
brutally beat up are heard...before the Blue Aardvark flies into the frame, and slams face-first
into the ground, his ears bent out of shape, and with a black eye.
At that moment, Kent - dressed up almost completely in a tiger costume, save for the mask -
which he holds in his hand - steps into view.
"Sorry, I had a little trouble with the zipper," he says. "But I'm ready when you-WHOA! What
happened to you?!"
"What happened to me?" the Aardvark groans. "I guess you could say I took the tiger by the
tail!"The cartoon fades into a new scene. This time, Kent and the Aardvark are standing beside a tree.
The womble is holding a large wooden mallet in one hand.
"This time, we can't miss! This is a much more simple scheme. All you have to do is chase that
ant my way. I'll be hiding behind this tree. When he comes close...WHAM!" Kent declares,
smacking the mallet into one hand with a devilish smirk for punctuation.
"I like the way you think, womble!" the Aardvark agrees. "Just make sure to be ready this time!"
"I will be!" Kent assures the Aardvark, and the two wave farewell as the womble creeps behind
the tree, and the Aardvark wanders off frame.
"Gotta say, I kinda like 'im," the Blue Aardvark says to the audience as he walks along through
the pink sand. "And if he helps me get that ant, so will my guts!"
He freezes, once again perking up excitedly.
"Aha! Speak of the devil! Here he comes again!"
Once again, the Aardvark ducks out of the way, this time behind a large rock. Charlie the Ant
comes into view. This time, he's carrying a large green apple.
"A bit sour fer my tastes," Charlie mutters. "But, hey, gotta have a little sour with th' sweet in
life, I always say!"
"Too sour, huh?" the Aardvark smirks. "Perhaps I can take that off his hands!"
So saying, as Charlie walks past the Blue Aardvark, the anteater reaches out and plucks the apple
out of the ant's grasp. Charlie stops, blinking as the weight vanishes, and looks up. He gapes at
the sight of the Blue Aardvark and moans.
"Oh, not again!" he exclaims, and promptly sprints off.
"Get back here, ya little runt!" yells the Aardvark, tossing the apple away. "I can't eat fruit,
y'know!"
And so the Aardvark chases the ant, both with legs pounding at the pink sand, both with arms
outstretched during the pursuit. The camera pans to look at Kent, hiding behind the tree. The
Womble giggles, and ducks back behind it, hammer at the ready.
But, as you would expect, something goes wrong.
Charlie the Ant runs past the tree, the Aardvark right behind him...and Kent swings the
mallet...just a fraction of a second too late.
WHAM!
The wooden mallet smacks right into the Aardvark's skull, and he hits the ground like a ton of
bricks.
Charlie the Ant glances back at the devious pair one last time, then once again bounces into his
anthill, safe and sound...for now.
The Aardvark lies there on the ground for a moment...then, a large lump forms on the top of his
head. He then groans, before looking up at Kent with a sneering frown on his snout, his lumpy
head in one hand, the other drumming its fingers impatiently on the ground.
Kent hides the mallet behind his back and places a paw to his mouth as he giggles with
embarrassment, blushing bright red.
"Um...ahem...uh, s-sorry about that…you don't have to hammer in my failure!"
And on those words, once again, things fade to black...Color returns once more, to find two shovels digging in the pink sand, creating a large trench.
You can hear the panting and puffing of the workers as they toss scoop after scoop of
reddish-white dirt up over their shoulders into the large mounds above them. They pause for just
a moment, and poke their heads up, revealing the workers to be...who else? Kent and the Blue
Aardvark.
"After all I've gone through so far," the Aardvark says warningly, "This plan had better work.
I'm tellin' ya, pal, if it doesn't, yer gonna regret it!"
"Don't worry!" chirps Kent. "We'll trip that ant up yet!"
"We better," grumbles the Aardvark, as the dastardly duo get back to digging. "I mean it,
buster...we better…"The scene fades to a new one, which finds the piles of shovelled dirt have vanished, and the hole
in the ground has been completed. The Aardvark is lying inside the hole, and a large, pink,
tarpaulin is in Kent's hands.
"So, here's how it works," Kent explains. "You just lie down, and stick up your snout where the
whole in this tarp is. I will do the chasing this time, and push the ant your way. The ant won't
know you're in the dirt; he will think your snout is an anthill, and hop right down your gullet!
It's practically foolproof!"
"Depends on who the fool is," the Aardvark snorts, but sighs. "Well...let's give it a try."
So saying, the tarp is laid out...and, sure enough, the Anteater seems the vanish, the ground
looking undisturbed under the perfect pink tarp. It truly looks as if the tarp-covered snout is just
another anthill.
Kent claps happily, then trundles off to wait for the ant. He smiles joyfully as he spots the ant
returning from the picnic once more. This time, Charlie is carrying a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich over his head.
"A peanut was sittin' on a railroad track, his heart was all a-flutter!" sings Charlie to himself.
"Number Nine came down th' line...toot-toot! Peanut butter-YAH!"
A large, white footpaw stops him in his tracks. He looks up to find Kent smirking, arms cross
over his fluffy chest.
"You just performed your swan song, ant," he says, darkly.
"Aw, I'm not a swan, pal!" Charlie the Ant snorts.
"Nope. But your goose sure is cooked!" Kent declares, and reaches down to try and snatch
Charlie up. The red ant - experienced with the Aardvark at this point - easily ducks under Kent's
own tubby underside, and makes a break for his life.
"Get back here, you!" howls Kent, and gives chase the way he's seen the Blue Aardvark do so
often in the past. He grins; the "anthill" is just up ahead, and the ant is sprinting straight towards
it. This time, there's no way for Charlie the Ant to escape!
Unfortunately, Kent fails to realize the Aardvark's most common mistake: not paying attention
to the little things.
In this case, a small rock jutting out of the ground not far away from the anthill. Charlie evades
the stone easily; at his size, all it takes is a quick little jump. But Kent, who has looked up to
check on the "anthill" just at that moment, does not notice it in time…
"YIPE!" yelps Kent the Womble, as his foot hits the rock, and, in typical toony fashion, he is
sent flying head over heels through the air. Charlie, stopping just short of the anthill, braces
himself, expecting the tumbling womble to drop right down and squash him flat.
But instead...Kent falls head-first...right into the phony anthill.
As the fat little womble struggles to break free, Charlie peers off into the distance, and smiles
widely as he spots another anthill - this time a real one - not too far away. With a merry little
skip, the ant clutches the peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his hands tigther, races over to his
ACTUAL anthill, and pops right into it as easy as pie, spry as could be and quite okay.
Which is more than one can say for poor, helpful, bumbling Kent.
Under the ground, the Blue Aardvark blinks as he finds something very, VERY large has
jammed itself into his tubular, crooked, hose-like snout. He immediately and obviously knows it
isn't the red ant.
As he hears the thing stuck in his overstuffed jaws exclaim "HELP! HELP! GET ME OUT OF
HERE!", he quickly recognizes it to be Kent.
Now, of course, the first instinct the Aardvark had at this point was to spit Kent out...but then, a
few wicked little things enter his hungry mind.
First: clearly Kent has failed. The red ant is long gone. And the Aardvark HAD warned him bad
things will happen…
SSSHHHLLLUUURRRUUULLLP.
"Hey! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU-MMMPH?!"
Second: this Womble is DELICIOUS. Much more sweet and savory than any crunchy little ant
the Aardvark has had in his life. And given the roundness of his paunch and the thickness of his
hips, the Aardvark has had his fair share, contrary to what some may think.
GUUUULLLLUUUUULLLLK!
"NNNRRRRRPH! NNNRRRPH, PLLLMMMMPH! MMPH BRRRG RRRPH
YOOOMMMPH!"
Third: this Womble is so big, so fat, and so wonderfully round...he'll keep the Aardvark fed for
WEEKS.
GLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUP!
Fourth - this thought comes with a pleased shudder, as the mass in his snout and gullet moves
towards his hefty gut - the Aardvark thinks back on Kent's helping him in the first place. All he
wanted was to see the Blue Aardvark get fed, right? Well, if there was a surefire way to help him
out...he was doing exactly that. Feeding him.
There is no stopping his hunger now.
Kent is no longer a partner to the Blue Aardvark.
He is nothing but his dinner.
And with a final, greasy swallow - GOOOOLLLLLLOOOOLLLOOOLLLLLUUUUUP! - he
seals that very deal.
We cut back to the exterior, as the tarpulin is pushed away by a heavy blue hand with long
fingers. The Aardvark's tongue hangs from the end of his snout as he pants like a dog, and
climbs out of the pit...then flops onto his back as he hits the ground.
His belly is ENORMOUS - easily as big as the Blue Aardvark himself now - and lurches
violently from side to side. It bulges and ripples in a rubbery manner, as Kent punches, kicks,
and squirms about inside the ravenous beast.
The Blue Aardvark moans, both hands going up to rub his belly...then, blasting out of his snout
like an air horn, he lets out a thick, rude, slimy burp.
"Buuuuuuuurrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrroo
oooouuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllllluuuuuuuuup!"
The Aardvark grumps and thumps his chest with one hand as the mighty belch concludes.
"Oof! Oh...wow, buddy...gotta say, you sure hit the spot more than any measly ant could!"
"MMMMMMPH! NNNNRRRRRMMMMMRRRRRRRRPH-RRRRRMPH!" wails Kent from
within.
The Aardvark chuckles.
"Now, there's no point in fightin' it. Seems I was right: my guts like you very, very much,
indeed! I just didn't think this would be the reason why! Heh heh!"
The Aardvark yawns through his muzzle and pats his belly. It jiggles at even the slightest touch.
"Gonna take a long time to work ya down, too. But no need to worry; I'm sure my stomach can
handle it, aren't you?"
Kent's face - a begging mask of muffled horror - presses through the flab on the Aardvark's
grotesquely swollen gut. The Aardvark callously shoves down on the spot, pushing him back into
the muck within with a bawl.
"BLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRI
IIIIIIIIAAAAAAAWWWWWWWUUUUUUUURRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLUUUU
UUUUURRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEELLLLLLLLLCH!"
Another rumbling, raucous belch - even bigger than the last one - roars up from the depths of the
Aardvark's body. He pants as it tapers off.
"Well. You sure make me gassy. Not that I mind."
He smirks and draws circles across his bloated gut with one finger.
"Y'know, a big guy like you? It's gonna make it impossible fer me to walk. So, I think I'm
gonna get comfy riiight here while I break you down in my belly. You'll wanna get comfy, too;
it's gonna take a while to work on you. Hmm...I gotta wonder...as big and as fat as you were, just
how much pudge d'ya think you'll add to my body?"
Kent shouts out some very nasty words, and punches the stomach wall HARD in response.
"BRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUR
RRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAARRRR
RRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUU
WWWWWWWWUUUUYYYYYUUUUURRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!"
The Blue Aardvark laughs as the third and final belch echoes across the pink sands of his home,
and slaps his gut in satisfaction a few times.
"Oh, yes! Keep up that squirmin', big boy! Just makes me feel all warm and happy!"
He yawns.
"Well. Time t'hit the hay…"
Then, the Aardvark's hungry, greedy eyes stare out once more through the fourth wall, right into
your own.
"Well? What are you still watchin' for? Show's over, kid! Leave me to digest this meal in peace,
all right?"
He licks his thin lips.
"Or perhaps YOU wanna add to my fat as well?"
THOOM.
BZZZT!
CLICK.
Afterword
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