The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic reviews the third installment in the Indiana Jones series, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade for it's 30th anniversary. Today, he asks the question: Is The Last Crusade better than Raiders of the Lost Ark? Well, then let's find out today.
P.S.: As I mentioned before, I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is owned by Paramount Pictures and Lucasfilm Ltd.
Episode Fifty-Eight
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
We open with Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting on the couch in his living room, sipping a can of Pepsi Berry while donning a baseball cap a la his favorite director Steven Spielberg before turning to the camera to start his intro.
"You know, there's a lot of people out there saying that Raiders of the Lost Ark is the best out of the Indiana Jones franchise. What more can I say about it? It is an awesome movie. And I know that I'm going to take a lot of flack for this one but I have something to admit, I think Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade better than Raiders of the Lost Ark." Sean said.
Then all of a sudden, a crowd of angry Raiders fans start throwing a bunch of stuff at Sean like bottles, rocks, a bottle of Crystal Skull vodka and a pillow while the young critic tries to explain.
"Okay, If only… Let me just expla…. I…." Sean said until an angry fan shoots at him, but the bullet misses him and hits his Kylo Ren coffee mug. "Let me explain."
(Clips from Raiders of the Lost Ark is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Look, I love Raiders of the Lost Ark. I think it's still one of the greatest movies ever. It's well-directed, action-packed, the acting was amazing, John Williams' music score is epic as always and the visual effects done by former ILM member Richard Edlund holds up very well. When I was like 5-years-old at the time, my mom owned both Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade on VHS and the one that I watched first was The Last Crusade. And the one that scarred me for life was The Temple of Doom. It was a good movie, in my opinion but it was dark and intense and had some scenes that really scarred me for life. (The back of the VHS copy of The Temple of Doom is shown) Hence, that's why it said "THIS FILM MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR YOUNGER CHILDREN" on the back of the VHS. I haven't watched Raiders of the Lost Ark until my mom rented it from Hollywood Video when I was seven. Yeah, this is way before Netflix and Hulu. And when I watched Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time… IT WAS AWESOME! I loved it as much as The Last Crusade. And by the time I turned 14, I owned the Indiana Jones Trilogy on DVD for my 14th birthday. It's one of those movies that I would love to show to my kid as well as Star Wars, but my girlfriend doesn't want me to scar our child for life after I showed her a scene where Toht's face melted to the bone.
Sean sighs a bit after throwing away bits and pieces of his Kylo Ren mug. "Great, now I got to order a new coffee mug from Amazon. Okay, so today just in time for the film's 30th anniversary, we're going to take a look at what has to be the best Indiana Jones film in the franchise. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade."
(The title card for Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is shown as well as clips from the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 24, 1989. Man, it was an excellent year for movies. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is the third and final installment in the Indiana Jones Trilogy…
(A poster for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is shown)
Sean: (Narrating and sighs) Until Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But that's for another time. After the lukewarm reception to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Spielberg wanted to tone things down in the next installment. In 1984, George Lucas wrote a treatment called Indiana Jones and the Monkey King, which dealt with Indiana Jones battling a ghost in Scotland before finding the Fountain of Youth in Africa and going up against tribal cannibals. Steven Spielberg brought on Chris Columbus, who at the time wrote some successful screenplays like Gremlins, The Goonies and Young Sherlock Holmes. He would expand on Lucas' treatment, introducing a bunch of new characters and bring back the Nazis. Spielberg and Lucas abandoned the idea because of its negative depiction of African natives and because the script felt too unrealistic. So, Spielberg suggested introducing Indiana's father but George Lucas wasn't too keen on the idea of introducing Indiana's father.
"And this is coming from a man who thought that this and that and that are good ideas." Sean said as photos of Jar-Jar Binks, Howard the Duck and the Star Wars Trilogy special edition are shown.
"Some of the special edition changes work, others don't." Brian said, getting claps from several audience members. "Crystal Skull had some interesting ideas, the 50s, the Cold War and the Soviets as the villains."
Several audience members cheer some more.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Spielberg convinced Lucas that the father-son relationship would serve as a great metaphor in the movie. Spielberg brought on Dutch screenwriter Menno Meyjes, who work on two other films from Spielberg like The Color Purple and Empire of the Sun. Instead of the film focusing on the Fountain of Youth, it now focused on the search for the Holy Grail….
(A clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown)
Black Knight (Played by John Cleese): 'Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur (Played by the late Graham Chapman) A scratch? Your arm's off!
Sean: (Narrating) Wrong one. Spielberg didn't want people to think of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. In the original draft, it depicted Indiana Jones searching for his father in the south of France, where he meets a nun named Chantal and they form a relationship. Spielberg felt that the script needed further revision, so he suggested the late Jeffrey Boam, who wrote the screenplay for Innerspace. He spent two weeks reworking the story with Lucas.
"And the result: an awesome Indiana Jones movie. So the question remains, is The Last Crusade better than Raiders?" Sean asked before switching his baseball cap with a fedora and putting on a leather jacket. "Let's grab our fedora, put on our leather jacket and grab our whip."
Sean looks around and realizes that he doesn't own a whip.
"Oh, yeah. I don't own a whip. But I do have my trusty .45." Sean said as he pulls out his AMT Hardballer .45 ACP pistol. "Let's take a look at Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade."
Sean: (Narrating) So, our story begins in 1912 Utah, where we see a Boy Scout troop doing some horseback riding at Arches National Park. We see two scout members scouting some caves as they come across a pair of grave robbers who found a golden cross that belonged to Coronado. So, who is this young lad who's spying on the grave robbers, I might ask.
Herman (Played by J.J. Hardy): Indy? What are they doing? Indiana? Indiana?
(Indy shushing Herman)
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that this young lad happens to be a young Indiana Jones, played by the late River Phoenix. Who starred alongside Harrison Ford in a little movie called The Mosquito Coast.
"Ford suggested the River Phoenix to Spielberg because River reminded of him when he was young." Sean said.
Young Indy (Played by the late River Phoenix): It's the Cross of Coronado. Cortex gave it to him in 1520./That cross is an important artifact. It belongs in a museum.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, is it just me or does River Phoenix look a tad bit like Peyton Meyer from American Housewife? If they did a Young Indiana Jones movie, then they would have Peyton Meyer as Young Indiana Jones and have him in his first adventure.
"Ooh, maybe his first adventure would be the Tomb of Terror or the search for the Scarab of Lost Souls." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Young Indy steals the Cross of Coronado a la young Nathan Drake from Uncharted 3, but stealth isn't his strong suit.
(While climbing up, Young Indy breaks a piece of wood and gets caught by a man wearing a fedora and his gang)
Roscoe (Played by Bradley Gregg): He's got our thing!
Sean: (Narrating) So Young Indy makes a run for it while the grave robbers chase after him while John Williams' awesome music score kicks in, indicating that this is going to be a fun and thrilling adventure.
(A clip from Family Guy is shown on the corner of the screen, showing Peter Griffin singing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade until Meg opens a can of soda)
"Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) The chase continues on a train as Young Indy goes through a few obstacles along the way, including…)
(Young Indy lands into water, where a snake pops out and hisses at him. Young Indy climbs out and rolls into a crate of snakes. Young Indy shouts and screams as snakes are all over him)
"Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday train!" Sean yelled, imitating Samuel L. Jackson. "There you go, I worked out an edited version of the line for the upcoming sequel Snakes on a Train."
Sean: (Narrating) So, we see how Indy develops his fear of snakes. Yeah, because a few scenes earlier, he grabbed a snake from off of Herman and he wasn't screaming about it. He was being calm-headed.
Young Indy: (After grabbing a snake from off of Herman) It's only a snake.
"And here." Sean said.
(We get a shot of the House of Reptiles car on the train and we hear Young Indy screaming)
"He turned into a little bitch." Sean said.
Professor Henry Jones (Played by Sean Connery): This is intolerable!
Sean: (Narrating) After getting out of the reptile car and almost getting his nuts impaled by a rhino, Young Indy swings away but bumps into the man in question himself known as Fedora, played by Richard Young.
Fedora (Played by Richard Young): Come on, kid. There's no way out of this.
(Young Indy falls through the roof of the train boxcar and comes face to face with a lion)
"Hey, Mufasa has found himself some dinner." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) About to become The Lion King's dinner, Young Indy finds himself a conveniently-placed bullwhip to channel his inner lion tamer.
(Young Indy whips himself in the face, leaving a bloody cut on his chin)
"And now we know how he got the scar from. But in real life, Harrison Ford got his signature chin scar from a fast car crash. This was long before he played Han Solo in Star Wars." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy escapes the lion and now Fedora wants what's his but Indy isn't going to give it to him. Not without a fight.
Fedora: You got heart, kid, but that belongs to me.
Young Indy: It belongs to Coronado.
Fedora: Coronado is dead and so are all of his grandchildren.
Young Indy: This should be in a museum.
Roscoe: (Grabs Indy's wrist) Now give it back!
(A snake slithers out of Young Indy's sleeve and onto Roscoe)
Roscoe: (Screams) A snake! Snake!
"Hey, if the snake bites you, you turn into the drug-dealing snake." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Young Indy makes his escape and runs home to tell his father the good news, but his father is too caught up with something else and makes his son count to twenty in Greek. I guess he's one of those father who don't spend time with their sons. Anyway, Herman arrives with the sheriff but the local sheriff makes Indy return the cross to the robbers, who immediately give it to their mysterious benefactor known as "Panama Hat".
"Panama Hat? It sounds like a 1920s gangster." Sean said.
Fedora: You lost today, kid, but it doesn't mean you have to like it.
Sean: (Narrating) Fedora give Indy his fedora after being impressed with his bravery, until we cut to 1938, where we see Indiana Jones played by Harrison Ford, on a ship during a violent storm of the coast of Panama, where he confronts Panama Hat while trying to recover the Cross of Coronado.
Panama Hat (Played by the late Paul Maxwell) (After grabbing the cross from Indy's bag) This is the second time I've had to reclaim my property from you.
Indiana Jones (Played by Harrison Ford): That belongs in a museum.
Panama Hat: So do you. Throw him over the side.
(Two of Panama Hat's men try to through Indy over the side of the ship. Indy kicks one of the men off of the ship)
Sean: (Narrating) We get a thrilling fight scene between Indiana Jones and Panama Hat's men while he tries to recover the cross and escapes overboard just before the ship explodes. Then, we head to the good 'ol U.S of A, where Indy is teaching his class until his good friend Marcus Brody, played by the late Denholm Elliot, arrives after class and he hands Brody the cross.
Indiana Jones: You know how long I've been looking for that?
Marcus Brody (Played by the late Denholm Elliot): All your life.
Indiana Jones: All my life.
"Hey, do you know how long I've been looking for the DVD set of Life with Derek? All my life and I'm trying to get some really hot Casey/Derek smut going!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Getting caught up with the daily grind of grading papers, Indy can't handle the stress, so he escapes from his office. Wish I could just clock out without anyone asking me any questions where stuff is at work when they should know that I'm off the clock. As he leaves, Indy is approached by a group of men who work for an American businessman named Walter Donovan, played by Julian Glover.
"Who my Mom and I met at the Cincinnati Comic Expo back in 2017. I got my picture taken with him and I got an autograph from him. He's a really nice guy. He told me about the James Bond movie For Your Eyes Only and Roger Moore. He was the best part about the Comic Expo." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Walter is a collector of ancient artifacts and he shows Indy am incomplete inscription from a stone tablet that his engineers found it in the mountain region north of Ankara, so Indy translates the inscription.
Indiana Jones: (Translating the inscription) "…who drinks the water I shall give him, says the Lord, will have a… spring inside him welling up for eternal life. Let them bring me to your holy mountain in the place where you dwell. Across the desert and through the mountain to the Canyon of the Crescent Moon, to the temple where the cup that… Where the cup that holds the blood of Jesus Christ resides forever."
Walter Donovan (Played by Julian Glover): The Holy Grail, Dr. Jones. The chalice used by Christ during the Last Supper. The cup that caught His blood at the Crucifixion and was entrusted to Joseph of Arimathea. (Hands Indy a glass of champagne)
Indiana Jones: The Arthur legend.
(A clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is shown)
King Arthur: Well, I am king.
"Wrong one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Donovan tells Indiana that his father vanished in Venice, Italy while searching for the Holy Grail. Indy and Marcus heads down to Henry's house, only to find it ransacked when Indy receives his father's Grail diary via mail from Venice.
Indiana Jones: Do you believe, Marcus? Do you believe the Grail actually exists?
Marcus Brody: The search for the Cup of Christ is the search for the divine in all of us. But if you want facts, Indy, I've none to give you.
(Indy moves the mail away, only to look at a photo of him and his father)
"And I think somebody mastered Adobe Photoshop in the 1980s because they used a photo of Sean Connery and River Phoenix to make a hilarious photo." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, the adventure begins as Indy and Marcus fly down to Venice to search for Indy's father. But before Indy leaves, Donovan has a little piece of advice for him.
Walter Donovan: Dr. Jones… good luck. (Shakes Indy's hand) Now be very careful. Don't trust anybody.
"Uh, dude? You were on a show involving people betraying each other. And given the show's eighth and final season, people were pissed off about it." Sean said, mentioning Game of Thrones.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Marcus arrive in Venice, where they meet up with Henry's Austrian colleague, Dr. Schneider. But here's the thing: Dr. Schneider is not a man.
Dr. Elsa Schneider (Played by Allison Doody): Dr. Jones?
Indiana Jones: Yes?
Dr. Elsa Schneider: I knew it was you. You have your father's eyes.
Indiana Jones: And my mother's ears, but the rest belongs to you.
"Indiana Jones, having his way with the ladies since 1981." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This smoking hot blonde is named Elsa….
(A photo of Elsa from Disney's Frozen is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Wrong Elsa.
(A photo of pornstar Elsa Jean is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) You wish. No, Dr. Elsa Schneider, played by Irish actress Allison Doody. Who you might recognize her as Bond girl Jenny Flex in A View to a Kill and in the 1988 thriller Taffin, starring a pre-James Bond Pierce Brosnan.
(A clip from Taffin is shown)
Mark Taffin (Played by Pierce Brosnan): What goes on in this town is none of your business.
Charlotte (Played by Allison Doody): As long as I'm living here it is!
Mark Taffin: THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE LIVING HEEEEERE!
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Schneider is an archaeologist who was working with Indy's father while he was searching for the Grail, so she takes Indy and Marcus to the library where he was last seen beneath the library. Then, Indy makes a discovery when he notices the window, which is the same in his father's diary.
Indiana Jones: Dad wasn't looking for a book about the knight's tomb, he was looking for the tomb itself. Don't you get it? The tomb is somewhere in the library. You said yourself it used to be a church. Look. (Points at a column with the roman numeral III and the window) Three. Three. (Points at another column with the roman numeral VII) Seven. Seven. (Points at the roman numeral X) Ten. And ten. Now where's the ten?
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe the ten is around here somewhere. Let me take a wild guess and say that you're standing on it." Sean said.
(Indy heads up the stairs and finds the roman numeral X on the floor)
Indiana Jones: Ten. "X" marks the spot.
"What was that he said about x never marks the spot?" Sean asked.
Indiana Jones: "X" never, ever, marks the spot./ "X" marks the spot.
"Haven't you ever learned from It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World? "X" always marks the spot." Sean said. "Boy, for an archaeologist, you sure are pretty dumb."
(A clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark is shown)
Indiana Jones: (Laughs) Son of a bitch.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy tries to find a way beneath the library but he has to do it quietly…
(Indy slams the floor post down on the floor, making a loud noise)
Sean: (Narrating) I said quietly! You're more subtle than the Loud Librarian from All That. Anyway, Indy and Elsa…
(A clip from Frozen is shown)
Elsa (Voiced by Idina Menzel): (Sings) Let it go…
Sean: (Narrating) Wrong Elsa. Indy and Elsa head beneath the library, where they travel through the catacombs and we get this nice little callback to Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: (Notices a painting of the Ark of the Covenant on the wall): What's this one?
Indiana Jones: The Ark of the Covenant.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: Are you sure?
"Lady, he's pretty sure that's the Ark of the Covenant. And from what happened the last time, some poor souls paid the price for disturbing the Ark. One of them had his face melting to the bone." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While traveling through the catacombs, Indy and Elsa come across petroleum-saturated waters and my third biggest fear aside from snakes and spiders… rats! Dang, poor Elsa. Indy had to carry her so she won't deal with any rats on her. The two of them come across the tomb of the First Crusade knight, which contains the complete version of the inscription that Henry had used, which reveals the location of the Holy Grail. But as Indy gets the location of the Grail, we see a group of killer Arab Shriners setting the waters aflame to kill them, so the two make their way out on the streets of Venice while the baddies chase after them in a thrilling boat chase, with Elsa driving and Indy fighting them.
(Indy sees that Elsa is about to go in between the two ships)
Indian Jones: Are you crazy?! Don't go between them!
Dr. Elsa Schneider: Go between them? Are you crazy?!
"Oh, this won't end well." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, did we even hear him say anything about going between the ships? He didn't say anything! All he was doing was beating the crap out of that guy and all of a sudden she was about to drive the boat in between the ships.
Indiana Jones: I said go around!
Dr. Elsa Schneider: You said go between them!
Indiana Jones: I said don't go between them!
"Oh, this one's gonna be close!" Sean exclaimed.
(The ships move in closer and closer as Indy and Elsa make it pass the ships, but three of the henchmen are not so lucky when they don't make it pass, instantly killing them)
"Boy, Michael Bay should be proud to see an explosion like this." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The Arab Shriner tries to eliminate Indy and Elsa with a machine gun, then Indy fights two of the men while the boat is about to get destroyed by a propeller while Indy interrogates the guy.
Indiana Jones: Why are you trying to kill us?
Kazim (Played by Kevork Malikyan): Because you're looking for the Holy Grail.
Indiana Jones: My father was looking for the Holy Grail. Did you kill him too?
Kazim: No.
Indiana Jones: Where is he? Talk or you're dead.
Kazim: If you don't let go, Dr. Jones, we'll both die.
Indiana Jones: Then we'll die.
Kazim: My soul is prepared. How's yours?
Sean began to chuckle a bit. "Okay, I laugh every time when I hear this guy say that line. I don't know why I find it funny because the Nostalgia Critic used that line right when he was reviewing Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel."
(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel is shown)
Nostalgia Critic: My soul is prepared! How's yours?
Indiana Jones: This is your last chance.
Kazim: No, Dr. Jones, it's yours.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown)
Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): Let me go or we'll both die.
Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): Whatever it takes!
Sean: (Narrating) Indy and the man escape and the man introduces himself as Kazim, played by Kevork Malikyan. Kazim is a member of the secret society known as the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword. They're known to protect the Grail from evildoers.
Kazim: Ask yourself, why do you seek the Cup of Christ? Is it for His glory, or for yours?
"Why don't you try asking the members of Monty Python. They're the ones trying to seek the Cup of Christ. And yet, they failed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy tells Kazim that he didn't come for the Cup of Christ, he came to find his father. And Kazim tells him where his father is being held at, the Castle of Brunwald on the Austrian-German border. Later, back at the apartment, Indy and Marcus learn the name of the city which is Alexandretta and Marcus reveals a map which was drawn out by Henry of the route to the Grail, which begins in Alexandretta. Indy tells Marcus to get a hold of his old buddy Sallah and sends him to Iskenderun, the present city built on the ruins of Alexandretta. Then, Indy goes to check on Elsa, only to find that their rooms were ransacked, only because someone was trying to look or his father's Grail diary, which ticks off Elsa.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: You didn't trust me.
Indiana Jones: I didn't know you. At least I let you tag along.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: Oh, yes. Give them a flower, and they'll follow you anywhere.
"Well, Indy has as strange way of meeting good-looking women." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The two continue to bicker for a bit until this happens.
(Indy kisses Elsa)
Dr. Elsa Schneider: How dare you kiss me!
(Elsa kisses Indy back)
"Wow, they went from angry to making out in no time." Sean said.
Indiana Jones: Leave me alone. I don't like fast women.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: (Starts nibbling on Indy's ear) And I hate arrogant men.
(We cut to a man on a boat singing in Italian, then we cut back to Indy and Elsa kissing)
Indiana Jones: (Smirks) Ah, Venice.
"They should make tourist advertisements for vacationing in Venice." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We get some shots of Venice, with scenes from The Last Crusade incorporated into the tourism commercial parody)
Sean: (V/O as announcer) It's that time of year again, summer vacation. Don't waste your time on the beaches of Hawaii. Instead, why not visit beautiful Venice. There, you will enjoy the four-star reservations at one of our finest hotels. Check out the historical library, which used to be a church. Roam around the underground catacombs with petroleum-laced flammable water and rats. Chased by the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword? Then, hop on one of our boats and have a high-speed boat chase through the waters of Venice. Don't worry, we don't have a gondola that drives on the streets. But the best thing about Venice, is the romance. So, book your tickets to Venice today.
Indiana Jones: Ah, Venice.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So, Indy and Elsa leave Venice and head down to the Castle of Brunwald in Salzburg where his father is being held and Indy here has the perfect plan of getting into the castle, by posing as a Scottish lord and talking in a bad Scottish accent.
Indiana Jones: (Speaking in a bad Scottish accent) Now buttle off and tell Baron Brunwald that Lord Clarence MacDonald and his lovely assistant…
(Drags Elsa towards him)
Indiana Jones: …are here to view the tapestries.
Butler (Played by Vernon Dobtcheff): Tapestries?
Indiana Jones: Dear me, the man is dense. This is a castle, isn't it? There are tapestries?
Butler: This is a castle, and we have many tapestries. But if you are a Scottish lord, then I am Mickey Mouse!
"Okay, I just love the humor in this movie. It has some of the best funniest bits in it. Aside from Harrison Ford's bad Scottish accent, that had me cracking up. We'll come to a few more later on." Sean said. "This is why I love the Indiana Jones movies, it has a clever lightheartedness to them."
Sean: (Narrating) With his cover blown, Indy knocks the fuck out of the butler and him and Elsa proceed to sneak through the castle, only for them to come across Indy's biggest enemy… NAZIS!
(Indy and Elsa find a Nazi command center in the castle)
Indiana Jones: Nazis. I hate these guys.
"The Nazis are back and this time they're not looking for the Ark of the Covenant because I think they found out what happened to the last group of Nazis and Belloq who opened it. And those two stumbled across a Nazi-controlled castle. You should've seen a giant Nazi flag on the castle. And yes, I know the Nazi's were our enemies during World War II." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy manages to swing to the room where his father is being held, only to get hit on the head by his father, Professor Henry Jones played by Sean Connery, and he's the best part of this movie.
Professor Henry Jones (Played by Sean Connery): Junior?
Indiana Jones: Yes, sir.
Professor Henry Jones: It is you, Junior!
"Junior? He calls his son "Junior"?" Sean asked before he starts laughing.
Indiana Jones: Don't call me that, please.
Sean: (Narrating) The two have a little reunion and Indy tells his father that he found the entrance through the catacombs.
Professor Henry Jones: Through the library?
Indiana Jones: Right.
Professor Henry Jones: I knew it. And the tomb of Sir Richard?
Indiana Jones: Found it.
Professor Henry Jones: He was actually there? You saw him?
"Man, Elsa was right about Indy's father. He's giddy as a schoolboy. He's getting excited about his son finding the tomb of Sir Richard and the inscription on the shield." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But their father-son reunion is cut short when the Nazis ask for the diary. But, Indy might've brought the diary with him instead of leaving it at home, which leads to Henry bickering with his son.
Professor Henry Jones: I should have mailed it to the Marx Brothers.
Indiana Jones: Will you take it easy?
Professor Henry Jones: Take it easy?! Why do you think I sent it home in the first place? So it wouldn't fall into their hands!
Indiana Jones: I came here to SAVE you!
Professor Henry Jones: Oh, yeah? And who's gonna come to save you, JUNIOR?
Indiana Jones: (Shouts) I told you…
(Grabs the SS Officer's MP40 and starts gunning down the soldiers)
Indiana Jones: …don't call me Junior!
"Henry isn't happy with how his son turned out." Brian said.
Professor Henry Jones: Look what you did! I can't believe what you did…
"That's easy for you to say, old man. You killed a bunch of people back in your day." Sean said.
(The James Bond theme plays while we get a montage of Sean Connery's James Bond killing people)
James Bond (Played by Sean Connery): Shocking. Positively shocking.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Henry check on Elsa, only to find her being held hostage at gunpoint by a Nazi colonel named Vogel, played by Michael Byrne. And then we get a little revelation about Elsa when Henry drops this bombshell.
Professor Henry Jones: But she's one of them.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: Indy, please!
Professor Henry Jones: She's a Nazi.
Indiana Jones: What?!
Professor Henry Jones: Trust me.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: Indy, no!
Vogel (Played by Michael Byrne): I will kill her!
Professor Henry Jones: Yeah? Go ahead!
"Elsa's a Nazi? Wow, I did Nazi that one coming." Sean said.
The audience starts booing at Sean after he says his bad pun.
"Get it? Na-zi that one coming. See? Instead of "Not see" I said Nazi because Elsa's a Nazi." Sean said while the audience kept booing at him.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: I'm sorry.
Indiana Jones: Don't be.
(Elsa takes the Grail diary from Indy's pocket, smiles, then hands it to Vogel)
Dr. Elsa Schneider: But… you should have listened to your father.
Sean: (V/O as Indiana Jones) That dirty bitch. And I slept with her.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Elsa betrays him, Indy and his father get captured by the Nazis and he asks him how does he know that Elsa's a Nazi.
Indiana Jones: How did you know she was a Nazi?
Professor Henry Jones: She talks in her sleep.
"She talks in her sleep? What does he mean by that? How would he even know that she talks in her sleep…" Sean said, then he suddenly realizes and gets horrified. "Oh, God!"
(We cut to Henry smiling at Indy while sensual music plays in the background)
"Connery, you dirty bastard!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (V/O as Henry) Yes, Junior. You're not the only one that tapped that ass. I tapped that ass before you. Then Pierce Brosnan tapped that sweet ass as well.
Sean: (Narrating) Since Indy's day was ruined because of one woman betraying him, he gets another shocker when Donovan is in league with the Nazis as well.
Indiana Jones: Donovan.
Walter Donovan: Didn't I warn you not to trust anybody, Dr. Jones?
"Hey, Indy should've known you were up to no good. You used to work for the Galactic Empire." Sean said as a photo of General Veers from The Empire Strikes Back is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out that Walter here is shit out of luck because a few pages missing from the diary, which contained the map. Turns out Marcus has the missing pages. Speaking of Brody, he's arrived in Iskenderun where he meets up with a returning character from Raiders of the Lost Ark Sallah, played by Man-Ray himself John Rhys-Davies. As the two of them get ready to leave, they bump into a German guide but Sallah here notices something fishy about the two German guides and Marcus is not so bright.
German Guide: Papers, please.
Sallah (Played by John Rhys-Davies): (Laughing) Papers? Of course. (To Marcus) Run.
Marcus Brody: Yes.
Sallah: Papers. Got it here. Just finished reading it myself. (To Marcus) Run.
Marcus Brody: Yes.
"Dude, he saying "Run", don't stand there like an idiot. Do what he says." Sean said.
Sallah: "Egyptian Mail," morning edition. (To Marcus) Run.
Marcus Brody: Did you say, uh…
"You stupid mother…. RUN!" Sean yelled out.
Sallah: Run!
(Sallah punches one of the German guides)
"And this is the guy who got lost in the archives room of his own museum." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Brody and Sallah manage to get away from the hired goons but Sallah fails to protect Brody when he gets captured by the Nazis. Meanwhile, Indy and Henry get tied up as Donovan and Elsa leave. But before she leaves for Berlin with the diary, she gives Indy a little goodbye kiss.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: (To Indy) I can't forget how wonderful it was.
Professor Henry Jones: Thank you. It was rather wonderful.
Sean: (V/O as Indy) Uh, I believe she was talking to…
(Elsa kisses Indy as Henry turns and looks away)
Brian: (V/O as Henry) Lucky bastard.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: That's how Austrians say good-bye.
Vogel: And this is how we say good-bye in Germany, Dr. Jones.
(Vogel punches Indy in the face. Indy's head smack into Henry's behind him)
"And this is how we say "Fuck you" in America, herr Vogel and frauline Schneider." Sean said while giving the middle finger.
"I'd go with a kiss over a punch in the face." Brian said.
"Same here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy and Henry try to free themselves by trying to burn through the ropes with Indy's lighter, only for Henry dropping the lighter and accidentally setting the room on fire like someone from World's Dumbest.
Indiana Jones: Dad!
Professor Henry Jones: What?
Indiana Jones: Dad!
Professor Henry Jones: What?
Indiana Jones: Dad!
Professor Henry Jones: What?!
Indiana Jones: Head for the fireplace!
Sean: (Narrating) So, our heroes head for the fireplace to avoid getting burned and to free themselves, only for Indy to hit a button, revolving the fireplace, which reveals a radio room full of Nazi officers.
(A female officer turns and sees them. Indy and Henry smile at the female officer very awkwardly. The female officer smiles at them)
Female Officer at Castle (Played by Nicola Scott): ALARM!
Sean: (Narrating) Whoa! Did the female officer immediately turn into Mindy Sterling from the Austin Powers movies?
Female Officer at Castle: ALARM!
(A clip from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery is shown)
Frau Farbissina (Played by Mindy Sterling): Send in the FEMBOTS!
"KILL THE AMERICANS!" Sean yelled out, imitating Frau Farbissina.
Sean: (Narrating) The two eventually free themselves and trap the Nazi officers in a burning room as they make their escape.
Professor Henry Jones: I find, that if I just sit down and think…
(Henry sits in the chair, which tilts backwards and opens up a hidden staircase)
Indiana Jones: (Falls down hidden staircase) Daaaaad!
Professor Henry Jones: The solution presents itself!
"And his father is being the smart one here while Indy was looking for a hidden passage. He found it for him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And coming up is what I have to say the best chase scene ever in the history of the film series. What we have here is a motorcycle chase between Indy, Henry and the Nazis accompanied by John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra.
(We see the Nazis chasing Indy and Henry on motorcycles)
Sean: (Narrating) Look at this Indy moment, he grabs a flagpole and uses it as a jousting lance on a Nazi, who's armed with an MP40 submachine gun.
(The Nazi aims his machine gun at Indy and his father, but then he gets hit by Indy and falls off of his motorcycle. The Nazi soldier's motorcycle hit the other two, causing them to fly off)
"Okay, that was pretty awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But there's one more Nazi soldier on their tail as Indy manages to dispose of the guy in his own special way.
(Indy sticks the pole into the soldier's wheel, causing it to explode. He looks back and laughs. He then looks at his father, who's not impressed with what he's done)
"That's my reaction after watching ProJared." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that exciting motorcycle chase, Indy wants to go after Marcus but Henry wants to go to Berlin to get his diary back because there's more in the diary than just the map and he who finds the Grail must face the final challenge, which involves three traps.
Indiana Jones: Half the German army's on our tail, and you want me to go to Berlin? Into the lion's den?
Professor Henry Jones: Yes. The only thing that matters is the Grail.
Indiana Jones: What about Marcus?
Professor Henry Jones: Marcus would agree with me.
Indiana Jones: Two selfless martyrs. Jesus Christ.
(Henry slaps Indy angrily)
Professor Henry Jones: That's for blasphemy.
"Well, excuse me. I'll make sure not to use the Lord and his son's name in vain while I'm around him." Sean said, chuckling a bit.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's busy reading The Cincinnati Enquirer while Brian, who's playing Professor Henry Jones, drinking a cup of coffee. Dave enters the room and sneezes)
Sean: God bless you.
(Brian slaps Sean in the face)
Brian: (as Professor Henry Jones) That's for blasphemy.
Sean: (Stays silent for a bit before speaking) Sorry.
Sean: So, our two heroes head down to Berlin, where a book burning rally is going on. And yeah, that actually did happen back in the 1930s. You have the Nazis burning books because they were viewed as being subversive or as representing ideologies opposed to Nazism.
"Here, I have the Twilight books and the Fifty Shades trilogy. You guys can burn them. And I also have Batman & Robin and Superman IV. Burn those two as well. Thanks." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy confronts that lying bitch Elsa and recovers the diary from her to keep it from being burned by the Nazi scum, but Elsa has her own views of the Grail.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: I believe in the Grail, not the swastika.
Indiana Jones: But you stood up to be counted with the enemy of everything that the Grail stands for. Who gives a damn what you think?
Dr. Elsa Schneider: You do.
(Indy grabs Elsa by the throat)
Indiana Jones: All I have to do is squeeze.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: All I have to do is scream.
"Well. Go ahead, Indy. Break the bitch's neck. She lied to you and she's working with the enemy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, Indy doesn't kill Elsa. He should but that's not in his code of ethics to kill an attractive woman like her. After Indy recovers the Grail diary, him and his father get ready to leave the book burning rally, until Indy has a brief encounter with the Fuhrer himself…
(Indy briefly comes face-to-face with Adolf Hitler)
"Uh, Bruno Ganz from Downfall?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) No, that's not Bruno Ganz from Downfall, that's actually the late Michael Sheard playing Adolf Hitler. And you'll probably recognize Sheard as this character from another George Lucas movie.
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Admiral Ozzel (Played by the late Michael Sheard): Lord Vader, the fleet has moved out of lightspeed and we're preparing to… (Gasps as Darth Vader starts telekinetically strangling him)
(Hitler sees the Grail diary and takes it in his hand. He opens it and signs his name in it)
Sean: (V/O as Indy) I can't believe I got the Fuhrer's autograph. Wait till Dad finds out about this.
"Big whoop. I got Julian Glover's autograph, buddy boy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to an airport, where Indy and Henry are preparing to leave Germany on a Zeppelin. (Sees that blue-screen effect) Oh, the humanity. Yeah, 1989 was a busy year for Lucas' visual effects company Industrial Light and Magic. I know that this is the 80s but that visual effect looks silly with it's blue-screen work. This was the same year that ILM worked on films like Back to the Future Part II, Ghostbusters II, The Abyss and Leviathan. Anyway, just when Indy and Henry are home free, guess who shows up.
(The Imperial March plays as Vogel appears)
(A clip from The Goonies is shown)
Mouth (Played by Corey Feldman): Jerk alert!
Sean: (Narrating) So, Indy comes up with a plan to avoid getting arrested by the Nazis as he disguises himself as a ticket-taker and treats Vogel like passenger aboard United Airlines.
(Indy punches Vogel, picks him up and throws him out a window into a pile of luggage while the other passengers look at him)
"Well, Vogel did Nazi that one coming." Sean said as the audience boos at him from his bad pun. "What? You don't like that bad pun? Let me just stop with the Nazi jokes. They're making you Fuhrerious."
(As the zeppelin flies away, Vogel gets up and waves his fist while shouting in German)
"Okay, is it just me or does this shot of Vogel waving his fist like a cartoon villain look silly?" Sean asked.
Sean: (V/O as Vogel) Next time, Joneses! Next time!
Sean: (Narrating) After getting away from Vogel, it's time for some father-son bonding between Indy and his father.
Professor Henry Jones: You know, sharing your adventures is an interesting experience.
Indiana Jones: That's not all we shared. It's disgraceful. You're old enough to be her fa… her-her grandfather.
Professor Henry Jones: Well, I'm as human as the next man.
"Eww! Please, I do not want to think about that wrinkled old man banging that smoking hot chick. Let Asia keep their elder porn." Sean said, cringing a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, after their attempt to bond with each other, Henry tells Indy the three challenges that they have to face. The first challenge: The Breath of God. Only the penitent man will pass. The second challenge: The Word of God. Only in the footsteps of God will he proceed. And the third challenge: The Path of God. Only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his worth.
"What the hell does that even mean?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Indy notices something wrong about their flight when the zeppelin turns around, sending them back to Germany after he finds out that disconnecting the radio wasn't enough, so the only way to get off of this blimp is by escaping in a biplane.
Professor Henry Jones: I didn't know you could fly a plane.
Indiana Jones: Fly, yes. (Starts the plane) Land, no.
"Oh, from your experiences with flying, you definitely have trouble in that area." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the two fly away and just as things couldn't possibly get any worse, squadron of Luftwaffe fighters attack them.
(A clip from The Little Rascals is shown)
Alfalfa (Played by Bug Hall): Oh, and the clouds open up and God said, "I hate you, Alfalfa.".
Indiana Jones: Dad, you're going to have to use the machine gun. Get it ready.
(Henry gets the machine gun ready)
Indiana Jones: Eleven o'clock! Dad, eleven o'clock!
(Henry checks his watch)
Professor Henry Jones: What happens at eleven o'clock?
"A new episode of Total Dramarama. What the fuck do you think?! He's telling you to shoot at the bad guys!" Sean yelled out.
(They engage in a dogfight with Luftwaffe fighters. Henry continues to shoot at the fighters until he accidentally shoots their own plane with the machine gun)
"Why do I see Hanna Marin from Pretty Little Liars doing something like this?" Brian asked.
Indiana Jones: (Attempting to land) Hang on, Dad. We're going in!
(Henry ducks down as Indy lands. Then crashes into a house with an explosion added to it. Then a photo of Indy and Henry is shown with the words "We'll be right back" on the screen while the Indiana Jones theme is played badly by a flute player)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I'm kidding. But that should've happened. Never let Harrison Ford fly a plane! After that nice landing, Indy and Henry make a run for it to find an alternate mode of transportation.
(A Luftwaffe fighter shoots at Indy and Henry)
Professor Henry Jones: Those people are trying to kill us!
Indiana Jones: I know, Dad!
Professor Henry Jones: Well. It's a new experience for me.
Indiana Jones: (Hands his father his briefcase) It happens to me all the time.
"And there goes your line for the trailer." Sean said.
(The trailer for Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is shown)
(The Luftwaffe fighter shoots at Indy and Henry)
Professor Henry Jones: Those people are trying to kill us!
Indiana Jones: I know, Dad!
(The Luftwaffe fighter flies away)
Professor Henry Jones: It's a new experience for me.
Indiana Jones: It happens to me all the time.
(The title of the movie is shown)
Announcer: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade…
"Cue the tagline for the movie." Sean points towards the camera.
Announcer: Have the adventure of your life. Keeping up with the Joneses.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Indy and Henry manage to swipe some wheels to drive away from the Nazi fighters that are trying to kill them. They manage to make short work of them, until one of the fighters drop a bomb on them. Well, it's time for Indy to use his trusty revolver, but Henry has a better idea.
(Henry opens his umbrella and starts squawking and running towards the seagulls, causing them to fly into the Luftwaffe fighter and making him crash into a mountain)
"I've heard of a bird strike, but that wasn't what I had in mind." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the Republic of Hatay, where we see Donovan speaking with the Sultan of Hatay, played by English comedian Alexei Sayle. Donovan gives the Sultan some precious treasures, but the Sultan sees something better that he likes.
Sultan (Played by Alexei Sayle): (Sees the Rolls-Royce Phantom Two) Ah! Rolls-Royce Phantom Two. Four-point-three liter, 30 horsepower, six-cylinder engine, with Stromberg downdraft carburetor. Can go from zero to 100 kilometers an hour in 12. 5 seconds. And I even like the color.
Walter Donovan: The keys are in the ignition, Your Highness.
Then all of a sudden, R. Kelly's Ignition starts playing in the background, startling the young critic for a bit.
"Stop, stop, stop!" Sean yelled out as the song stops. "We're not going to be playing any R. Kelly songs for this review. None of that."
R. Kelly: (Crying) I'm fighting for my (Beep) life!
"Enough!" Sean yelled at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Sultan of Hatay supplies Donovan and the Nazis with camels, horses, an armed escort, desert vehicles and the whole deal. And tanks as well. Meanwhile, Indy and Henry meet up with Sallah in Hatay and they learn about Marcus' abduction, which Henry doesn't take too well.
(Henry hits Indy with his hat)
Professor Henry Jones: Now they have the map. And in this sort of race, there's no silver medal for finishing second.
"Uh, I beg to differ. You can get a silver medal for finishing second." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And the race for the Grail is on as we see the Nazis arrive in the desert with….
(We see a tank driving through the desert, leading a convoy)
"A WWI tank. Where in the hell did they get a WWI tank from?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy, Henry and Sallah spot the convoy and Indy doesn't know that the Nazis could spot him because of the flash from his binoculars.
Professor Henry Jones: What do you think you're doing there? Get down!
Indiana Jones: Dad, we're well out of range.
(The tank fires at them, only destroying Sallah's brother-in-law's car)
"You were saying, Indy? You stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!" Sean exclaimed.
(Another clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Han Solo (Played by Harrison Ford): Who's scruffy looking?
Sean: (Narrating) But Indy, Henry and Sallah are not the only one's out in a place where's it's filled with Anakin Skywalker's worst fears…
(A clip from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones)
Anakin Skywalker (Played by Hayden Christensen): I don't like sand. It's coarse, rough and irritating. And it gets everywhere.
Sean: (Narrating) …we see that Kazim and the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword are there and they start ambushing Donovan and the Nazis while Indy and Sallah organize some transportation. But the Nazis make short work of Brotherhood when they proceed to eliminate them…
(One of the Nazis throw a grenade at the members of the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword. The grenade explodes and then we get treated to a Wilhelm Scream sound effect from one of the men)
"Hey! We got a Wilhelm Scream. Let's count that one and the one in The Phantom Menace. So, that's two on the Wilhelm Scream counter." Sean said.
Wilhelm Scream Counter: 2
Sean: (Narrating) Indy manages to snag some horses while Henry enters the tank and attempts to free Brody, but he ends up getting captured by Vogel and his men and the Nazi colonel starts interrogating him.
Vogel: What is in this book? That miserable little diary of yours.
(Slaps Henry in the face with his glove)
"Dude!" Sean exclaimed.
Vogel: The book is useless. And yet you come all the way back to Berlin to get it. Why?
(Vogel slaps Henry in the face with his glove again)
"Easy, now." Sean said.
(Vogel slaps Henry in the face once more)
"Enough with the slaps, you damn bird!" Sean yelled out.
(Vogel tries to slap Henry in the face, but Henry stops him)
"I have something to ask you, you montabank. A riddle. What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck, I can't remember how it ends but your mother's a whore." Sean said imitating Sean Connery. "I'll take "Buck Futter" for $500 Trebek."
Walter Donovan: Jones is getting away.
Vogel: I think not, Herr Donovan.
Walter Donovan: Not that Jones, the other Jones!
(We see Indy riding on a horse, taking a few horses with him while laughing)
Sean: (V/O as Indy) Fooled you, bitches! (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to the best part of the film where Indy chases a tank holding his father and Brody. And he has a bright idea to chase a tank… on a horse.
"You're on a horse and you're chasing a tank that could possibly run you over or blow you away. That's the craziest idea I've ever heard in my life." Sean said.
(One of the Nazi's honk their horn at the tank. Vogel screams and hits the jeep)
"Okay, making the Nazis act like the Stormtroopers, now that is a brilliant idea because they're both clumsy idiots." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Indy manages to hop on to the tank and comes face to face with Colonel Vogel, but the few of his boys manage to act like a bunch of wrestlers from WWE to join in on the fight.
(Two more Nazi soldiers jump onto the tank while Indy fights the first soldier. He pistol whips the soldier, then shoots him with the Walther P38 as the bullet goes through a row of Nazi soldiers. Indy is then amazed at the power of the Walther)
"Okay, that looks like something that Deadpool would do. And also, I doubt it's possible to kill three people in a row with one bullet from a Walther P38 handgun, unless you have that magic bullet that can do the job. Unless, it's a myth that needs to be busted." Sean said.
"Like he said in Raiders of the Lost Ark, he makes things up as he goes." Brian said.
(Vogel tries to strangle Indy with a chain as Indy drops the gun in the tank)
Indiana Jones: Dad! Dad! Dad! Get out!
(Henry looks at the gun and puts on the hat)
Sean: (V/O as Henry) Hmm, I wonder what this gun does.
(Indy punches a Nazi soldier, who ends up getting run over by the tank)
"Holy shit! That was brutal!" Sean exclaimed in shock.
Sean: (Narrating) My God, some guy got ran over by a tank. That was pretty violent for a PG-rating. This is supposed to be a family film.
(The rating PG-13 pops up on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. They definitely deserved that PG-13 rating.
(Indy tries to break free from Vogel, but bumps into the tank's periscope as the tank crewman smiles)
Tank Crewman (Played by Nick Gilliard): (In German) These Americans fight like women.
(Indy kicks the periscope, hitting the tank crewman in the head as Henry and the soldier fight over the gun while we cut to Indy, who's busy getting strangled by Vogel, which looks like he's humping him)
"Whoa! Keep it clean here, Spielberg! I know that this movie is rated PG-13 but you don't have to make it look like that Vogel is banging Indy from behind." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Indy is busy fighting Vogel, Henry fights a Nazi over a gun and began to unleash his inner James Bond.
(Henry pulls out a pen and squirts ink into the Nazi soldier's eyes)
Marcus Brody: Henry, the pen…
Professor Henry Jones: What?
Marcus Brody: But don't you see? The pen is mightier than the sword.
"Uh, Marcus. I believe that the Joker's got you beat with that line." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman is shown)
Joker (Played by Jack Nicholson): The pen is truly mightier than the sword.
Sean: (Narrating) The fight on top of the tank begin to intensify as Indy hangs on to dear life after Henry blows up a jeep filled with Nazis. Vogel grabs a shovel and tries to kill Indy WWE-style or have the tank driver drive the tank into a wall to kill him.
(Marcus grabs a tank round and hits the Nazi soldier in the head. He fires the pistol as the bullet ricochets around the tank and hits the tank driver in the head)
"Nice job, dumbass. Now, you just killed Indy." Sean said.
(The tank driver leans down on the controls as the tank moves away. The theme music plays as he climbs onto the turret and punches Vogel)
"That's right, Indy! Go get that Nazi who looks like the Illinois Nazi from The Blues Brothers." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, we see the tank is about to drive off a cliff as Indy, Henry and Marcus manage to get off of the tank but Indy is having a little trouble with Herr Vogel. With Henry and Marcus off of the tank, Indy fights off Vogel and sees that the tank is about to drive off of the cliff as he tries to get off of the tank and….
(The tank drives off of the cliff as Vogel screams, then crashes to the ground. Henry, Marcus and Sallah check to see if Indy made it off of the tank alright)
Professor Henry Jones: Junior?!
(The tank explodes)
Sallah: Indy!
"Oh my God. Indy is… dead? I can't believe it. He's gone." Sean said, looking down in sadness.
Professor Henry Jones: Oh, God. I've lost him. I never told him anything. I just wasn't ready, Marcus. Five minutes would have been enough.
"Farewell, Indy. You will always be missed. I grew up watching your greatest adventures. Even though Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom creeped me the hell out when I was a kid." Sean said.
(We see Indy climbing up the cliff and stands next to his father while him, Sallah and Marcus look on at the wreckage)
"And I see that you're still alive and standing next to your father. Nevermind. IT'S A MIRACLE!" Sean yelled out with a smile on his face.
(Henry, relieved to see his son alive, hugs him)
Professor Henry Jones: I thought I'd lost you, boy!
Indiana Jones: I thought you had too, sir.
(Sallah smiles while Marcus looks a bit confused
"Hey, he's Indiana Jones. You should know that, Marcus. He can get himself out of any situation." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So now, our heroes continue their quest to search for the Holy Grail as they arrive at the Canyon of the Crescent Moon but it looks like they're too late when they find Donovan, Elsa and the surviving Nazis at the temple where the Grail is kept but their men are not up to the challenge of surviving the deadly traps.
(One of the men has their head cut off by one of the traps. His head rolls over to where Indy is hiding out at)
"Aren't you glad that they gave this movie a PG-13 rating so they can give us scenes like this?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But our heroes end up getting caught and Donovan wants Indy to recover the Grail for them, but Indy tells Donovan to fuck off and Donovan is not that kind of person that you want to turn down, so he shoots Indy's father in order for Indy to risk his life to get the Grail.
Walter Donovan: (Points the gun at Indy) You can't save him when you're dead! The healing power of the Grail is the only thing that can save your father now. It's time to ask yourself what you believe.
"If you don't do as I say, then I will kill you before you even do Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With his father's life hanging in the balance Indy has to risk his life to get the Grail in order to save his life and he has to go through the three paths. First up, "The Path of God", only the penitent man will pass.
Indiana Jones: …kneels before God. Kneel!
(Indy ducks and rolls to avoid the trap, then uses a rope to stop the gears, clearing the way for Donovan and Elsa)
Indiana Jones: I'm through!
"Wow, that was not so bad. These three paths seem easy. Let's see if he can keep up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Next up is "The Word of God", only in the footsteps of God will he proceed.
(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of Dragon's Lair is shown)
Nostalgia Critic: (Chuckles with pride) Child's play.
Indiana Jones: The name of God. "Jehovah".
Professor Henry Jones: But in the Latin alphabet, "Jehovah" begins with an "I".
"Oh, no. Holy shit. Indy, don't step on the letter J!" Sean called out.
Indiana Jones: (Steps on the letter "J") J…
(The J on the floor breaks as Indy fall through the floor but manages to hang on)
(Another clip from the Nostalgia Critic's review of Dragon's Lair is shown)
Nostalgia Critic: (Panicking) Oh, God! Oh, shit! Oh, man! Oh, Christ! Oh, cock! Oh, dick!
(We cut back to the movie)
Professor Henry Jones: Oh, dear.
(We cut back to the clip)
Nostalgia Critic: (Keeps panicking) Oh, whatever swear word I left out!
(Eventually, Indy picks himself up)
Nostalgia Critic: (Facepalms in frustration) Oh, fudge!
Indiana Jones: Idiot.
"In the Latin alphabet, "Jehovah" begins with an "I". The letter "I" as in "Idiot"!" Sean yelled out. "Try again."
Indiana Jones: (Steps on the letters) "I." "E." "H." "O." "V." "A."
Sean: (Narrating) And last but not least is "The Path of God". Only in the leap from the lion's head will he prove his worth. Uh, I don't see a bridge. I don't see anything.
"Well, how the hell is he supposed to go through this, jump?" Sean asked.
Professor Henry Jones: You must believe, boy. You must believe.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get one of the best moments in the film series with the most awesome visual effect ever. The hidden bridge, it's like a magic eye trick. It seems invisible and when the camera turns, it reveals a bridge. Okay, the visual effects team at ILM get gold stars. That is the coolest visual effect ever! So finally, Indy reaches the Grail's chamber, which is guarded by an elderly Grail Knight, played by the late Richard Eddison.
Grail Knight (Played by the late Richard Eddison): (On Indy's outfit) You're strangely dressed, for a knight.
Indiana Jones: I'm not exactly… A knight? What do you mean?
Grail Knight: I was chosen because I was the bravest, most worthy. The honor was mine until another came to challenge me to single combat. (Grabs his sword and hands it to Indy) I pass it to you who vanquished me.
Sean looks at the camera and makes a cuckoo noise.
"Well, he's been stuck there for what, 700 years?" Brian asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Indy could explain what's going on, Donovan and Elsa show up and Donovan tries to pick out which one is the grail.
Grail Knight: You must choose, but choose wisely. For as the true Grail will bring you life, the false Grail will take it from you.
Dr. Elsa Schneider: Let me choose.
Walter Donovan: Thank you, Doctor.
(Elsa selects a golden chalice studded with emeralds and hands it over to Donovan)
Walter Donovan: Oh, yes. It's more beautiful than I'd ever imagined.
"Take it easy there, Walter. No need to jizz in your pants from the sight of the grail, which doesn't look like a grail." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Donovan ends up drinking out of the cup, but he should've had John Cena ask him if he's sure about that when this happens.
(We see that Walter is rapidly aging after drinking out of the false grail. Elsa screams while Donovan rapidly ages and turns into a skeleton before turning into dust)
Grail Knight: He chose poorly.
"Oh, yeah. I'm so glad that this movie got a PG-13 rating. I thought his face was going to melt off or have his head explode like the last guy. But he gets the award for the most scariest death scene in film history." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So now, it's Indy's turn to choose wisely when he picks up a simple ceramic cup, without any harmful side effects.
Grail Knight: You have chosen wisely. But the Grail cannot pass beyond the Great Seal. That is the boundary and the price of immortality.
"I'm only going to say this one time. Do not cross the Seal or you'll pay the price." Sean said, imitating the Grail Knight.
Sean: (Narrating) Indy rushes back with the Grail filled with holy water and gives it to Henry and uses it to heal him.
"Yeah, for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull to kill off his character even though he drank the water that will give him eternal life. You suck." Sean said.
"Well, Sean Connery didn't want to come back for it." Brian pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) But apparently, someone wants the Grail for themselves and decides to break the rules. I'm talking about you, ya blonde Nazi bitch.
(Indy sees Elsa about to cross the Seal)
Indiana Jones: Elsa! Elsa, don't move!
Dr. Elsa Schneider: (Crosses the Seal) It's ours, Indy, yours and mine.
Indiana Jones: Elsa, don't cross the Seal. The knight warned us not to take the Grail from here.
Sean: (Narrating) So the temple collapses with everyone trying to escape while Indy tries to Elsa while she's trying to recover the grail. What? Is she fucking nuts?!
Dr. Elsa Schneider: (While reaching for the Grail) I can reach it. I can reach it.
"Elsa, let it go." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard
(Elsa plummets to her death into a chasm)
"Well, at least Indy let her go." Sean said as another comedic rimshot is heard.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, Henry saves Indy while he's about to suffer the same fate as Elsa.
Professor Henry Jones: (While holding onto Indy's hand) Junior, give me your other hand! I can't hold on!
Indiana Jones: (While reaching for the Grail) I can get it. I can almost reach it, Dad.
Professor Henry Jones: Indiana… Indiana… Let it go.
"Hmm, I wonder why this looks very familiar." Sean said.
(A clip from the Angry Video Game Nerd's review of the Tomb Raider games is shown)
(A bearded guy appears from the side)
Man: Junior, let it go.
Angry Video Game Nerd: But I'm so close! I'm so close! I can finish it!
Man: Nerd… (Whispering) Let it go.
(The Nerd concedes)
Angry Video Game Nerd: You're right. Fuck this shitty game.
(The Nerd drops the PS2 into the lava pit)
Sean: (Narrating) And finally, our heroes managed to escape but not with the Grail. And in that case, happy ending! The adventure for the Grail is over and we get why Henry calls Indiana "Junior".
Sallah: Please, what does it always mean, this… This "Junior"?
Professor Henry Jones: That's his name: Henry Jones, Junior.
Indiana Jones: I like Indiana.
Professor Indiana Jones: We named the dog Indiana.
Marcus Brody: May we go home now, please?
Sallah: The dog? You are named after the dog? (Laughs)
Indiana Jones: I've got a lot of fond memories of that dog.
"Yeah and you're named after George Lucas' dog, whose name is Indiana." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we end with one of my favorite shots from the film, the shot of Indy, Henry, Marcus and Sallah riding into the sunset. I need to use that shot as my Facebook cover photo because that has to be the most epic shot ever. The End. Until we have to wait nineteen years for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and for George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to ruin the franchise with fucking aliens and Shia "Just Do It!" LaBeouf.
"And that was Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and yes, it's the best one ever." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Now after re-watching The Last Crusade, I remember how much I enjoyed watching the film when I was young. And I still talk about the movie with my friends till this day. The action scenes, the music, the story, the characters and the visual effects are amazing and a lot of fun to watch. I can't find anything wrong with it. Well, unless you want me to nitpick. Yeah, the visual effects on the movie can be dated, the flying sequence with Indy and Henry looked a bit dodgy with it's blue screen effects. Just like Raiders and Temple of Doom, the characters are memorable. Harrison Ford is badass as always as Indiana Jones, Elsa is sexy and backstabbing, Walter Donovan has got to be my favorite villain ever aside from Belloq. You have this American businessman who has a fondness for historical items and his goal was to get the Grail. Props to Julian Glover, he did a fantastic job in playing that character. And what's there to say about Sean Frickin' Connery as Professor Henry Jones. I absolutely loved him, he's the best part about this movie.
"So the question remains. Which one is better: Raiders or The Last Crusade. Well, maybe this clip from The Road to El Dorado will answer your question." Sean said.
(A clip from The Road to El Dorado is shown)
Miguel (Voiced by Kenneth Branagh): Both.
Tulio (Voiced by Kevin Kline): Both.
Miguel and Tulio: Both.
Miguel: Both is good.
(They both nod at each other)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, they're both awesome films. They're basically the same film beat for beat. Hell, there was a debate on Cinemassacre's Rental Reviews on which one is better Raiders or The Last Crusade. Why not both? But The Last Crusade is my favorite, I love it a little bit more than Raiders. Just like Return of the Jedi, which is my favorite in the original Star Wars Trilogy, this is my favorite, it had a lot of great moments and I love the running gag of Henry calling Indiana "Junior" and the father-son relationship between Indy and his father is what make this the strongest in the series. That's why I'm giving Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 5 Holy Grails out of 5.
"That's all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and the next movie that I'm going to review… I'm not looking forward to it." Sean said. "Mostly, this next film is going to be part of The Summer of Star Wars. Better bring booze."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Don't call me Junior!
That's all for The Mayhem Critic's review of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I'm curious to know which one do you like better Raiders of the Lost Ark or Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Next time, Sean kicks off The Summer of Star Wars with Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, a movie that Sean dreads watching. Don't forget to review the new chapter, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.