The Mayhem Critic
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and welcome to the start of The Summer of Star Wars. You all enjoyed The Summer of Vacation last year when I reviewed the Vacation film series, well today, I'm going to be taking a look at the Star Wars film series, which means I will be reviewing the prequels, the original trilogy and the new trilogy. I will review the spin-off movies later on. Today, Sean kicks off The Summer of Star Wars with what is considered to be the worst Star Wars movie ever. And of course, I'm talking about Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. You know, a bad prequel deserves a bad follow-up. Let's check out the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Get a beer ready because this one is going to suck. Enjoy, and let's pray for the best.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is owned by Twentieth Century Fox, Lucasfilm Ltd and Walt Disney.
The Summer of Star Wars Part I: Attack of the Clones
We see Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic outside sitting at a table while drinking an ice cold glass of lemonade and enjoying the sunny weather on this nice Monday afternoon. The young critic was busy typing on his laptop and sighed in relaxation.
"Ah, FanFiction. Such thought provoking content where we write down our fanfics for our favorite shows. And what better way to do that is by doing a smutty Taylor/Trip/Brie fanfic for the American Housewife category." Sean said while typing on his laptop before looking at the camera. "Oh, hey. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Well, it's June and yes, we have to wait till September when the new seasons of our favorite television shows start and the final season of Modern Family. I'm gonna miss that show. But to keep you guys occupied, I'm gonna start another silly celebration. Remember last year when I started The Summer of Vacation? Well, starting June, I'm going to be doing another one. That's right, this time its….
Sean then gets up from off out of the chair and starts running around to the front of the house.
"THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS!" Sean said in a deep voice before entering the house and sat down on the couch before speaking in his normal voice. "This summer, I will be taking a look at the Star Wars movies. Which means the dreaded prequels, the original trilogy, The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. Unless you want me to add something else to this list. Not a certain Christmas special. Well, let's talk about The Phantom Menace."
(The Star Wars theme plays while clips from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Despite what you may think, I thought that Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace was a good movie. Okay, you might be asking "You think that Episode I was good?". Okay, good might be a bit of a stretch but it had some awesome moments in it. Like the Podracing sequence, Liam Fuckin' Neeson, Darth Maul being awesome as hell, that epic lightsaber duel between Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul, the cutting edge visual effects from ILM and John Williams' awesome score. But I do feel that there are some ideas that need to be changed, like Jar-Jar being funny and Anakin Skywalker. If I was a story exec up at Fox and George Lucas was like "This is the film I'm doing." And I'll be like "No, let's go through this right now and let's see what ideas work and don't work."
"I wouldn't call The Phantom Menace a total disaster. But hey, we know which episode of Star Wars was. And that was Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones." Sean said.
(The title card for the movie is shown as well as clips from the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 16, 2002. It's the second installment of the Star Wars prequel trilogy. It continues to set up the events leading up to the main trilogy. And you might think that George Lucas would've learned from his mistakes and that Episode II was going to be awesome. Well, there are some things that Episode II has done better than Episode I but the film is just straight-out dull and not very interested to look at with bad writing. Hell, when I was ten years old and saw this movie with my mother, I got bored with it.
"You know, I don't know why you guys want me to suffer through this. Haven't I suffered enough? I guess not because I'd rather be writing some Ramona/Rocki smut for Fuller House or Taylor/Brie smut for American Housewife. Or better yet Betty/Veronica smut for Riverdale! Need to watch some lesbian porn for some inspiration. Anyway, let's take a look at Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Groans to see what a steaming pile of Bantha shit it was." Sean said.
(The movie starts with "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…". But instead it says, "As you know by now…")
Sean: (Narrating) As you know by now, our story begins with the obligatory text scroll. We see that there's a crisis in the Galactic Senate because it is threatened by the Separatist movement organized by the mysterious Count Dooku. And we learn that Padme is a senator now. Wait, how the hell did she become a senator? How do you go from queen to senator? Oh, screw it. Let's continue. We open on Coruscant, where we see Padme once again played by Natalie Portman, has arrived to vote on the idea for the Republic to have an army to keep the peace. And I have to question this scene right now because of what happens next.
Capt. Typho (Played by Jay Laga'aia): I guess I was wrong. There was no danger at all.
(The ship explodes, killing Padme's decoy and her guards)
"You were saying?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And what is up with that ironic twist of fate there? This Reggie Theus-looking dude says that there was no danger at all and then all of a sudden…
(Tweety Bird pops up)
Tweety Bird: BOOM!
"Oh, you all know what I'm talking about and yes The Unusual Suspect was talking about this trope while he reviewed this movie. It's a trope called the comedic tempting fate trope." Sean said.
(Clips from films and television shows that used the comedic tempting fate trope is shown. Movies and television shows like Ice Age, Die Hard 2, Young Frankenstein, GoldenEye, Avatar: The Last Airbender and Jurassic Park is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) It's when a character says something that dares the universe into making things miserable for them, and the universe takes them up on that challenge. There are times when a character is commenting on how they've hit Rock Bottom and how things couldn't possibly get any worse right before things do turn from bad to worse. Like for example: take a look at the 1994 film adaptation of The Little Rascals.
(A clip from The Little Rascals is shown. Alfalfa, who's just in his underwear, runs for his life to avoid getting caught by Butch and Woim)
Alfalfa (Played by Bug Hall): Things couldn't possibly get any worse!
(He then runs into Butch and Woim)
Alfalfa: Then the clouds open up and God said, "I hate you, Alfalfa!"
"You see? That works. Why did they use that here?" Sean asked.
(The scene where Padme's decoy is killed plays once more)
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, it's a comedic trope. It's used right when people are killed in an explosion. Can you imagine something like that happening during the Obi-Wan/Vader duel in A New Hope?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (as Han Solo. He sees Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi having a lightsaber duel) Hey, kid! Don't worry about the old man, I think he's gonna do just fi….
(Darth Vader kills Obi-Wan)
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): No!
Sean: Oops. Spoke too soon.
"Look, George. I love your movies and all but there comes a time to incorporate humor into your scenes, there's a right time to do it. This isn't one of them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, yeah. Padme used her decoy Corde, played by Veronica Segura, to fool her assassins who are trying to kill her. (Chuckles after he sees that the decoy doesn't have any shoes on) And look at this, that explosion was so powerful that it knocked the decoy out of her shoes. Man, can you imagine Sansa Stark using a decoy to fool her assassins. But hey, I guess this pacifistic character is putting her friends in danger just to save her own neck.
(A clip from Pretty Little Liars is shown)
Jenna Marshall (Played by Tammin Sursok): I may not be able to see but I can smell a bitch from a mile away.
"She still has enemies from her days as the Queen." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) After the assassination attempt on her life, Padme wants answers to know who's trying to kill her, so she goes to the Jedi for help.
Padme (Played by Natalie Portman): Do you have any idea who was behind this attack?
Mace Windu (Played by Samuel L. Jackson) Our intelligence points to disgruntled spice miners on the moons of Naboo.
Padme: I think that Count Dooku was behind it.
Ki-Adi-Mundi (Played by Silas Carson): He is a political idealist, not a murderer.
"Okay, is it just me or does Ki-Adi-Mundi's head looks like a huge…" Sean said.
(A clip from Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me is shown)
Teacher (Played by Jeanette Miller): Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, shlong, or…
Sean then pushes the clip away. "Enough."
Sean: (Narrating) But Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine, once again played by Ian McDiarmid, suggests something else for Padme. Some extra bodyguards for her protection just in case.
Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Master Jedi, may I suggest the senator be placed under the protection of your graces.
Bail Organa (Played by Jimmy Smits): Do you really think that's a wise decision under these stressful times?
"Oh, man. Jimmy Smits left NYPD Blue for this stupid-ass movie? Why, Jimmy, why? Well, at least there's The West Wing." Sean said.
Supreme Chancellor Palpatine: I realize all too well that additional security might be disruptive for you but perhaps someone you're familiar with. An old friend, like Master Kenobi.
"Maybe Leon the Professional? The character played by Jean Reno in the Luc Besson movie. He protected her from Gary Oldman's crazy ass and taught her how to use a gun. At least get him to protect her." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) No, it's not Leon the Professional. Instead, he summons Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi again played by Ewan McGregor, and his apprentice, a grown-up Anakin Skywalker played by Hayden Christensen. And it seems that Ani has something else on his mind and… (Sees Jar-Jar Binks) Oh, fuck me with a lightsaber!
"Why, God? Why do I have to deal with this stupid Gungan again?" Sean asked.
Jar-Jar Binks (Played by Ahmed Best): Obi? Obi! (Shakes Obi-Wan's hand) Mesa so smilen to seein yousa!
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Played by Ewan McGregor) Good to see you again, Jar-Jar.
Jar-Jar Binks: Senator Padme. Mesa palos here! Lookie, lookie, Senator. Desa Jedi arriven.
"Oh, man. This movie's going to make me have some homicidal tendencies over Jar-Jar." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After we see Jar-Jar, Padme goes to greet Obi-Wan and Anakin, then she recognizes Ani, which leads to this.
Padme: (Recognizes Anakin) Ani? My goodness, you've grown.
Anakin Skywalker (Played by Hayden Christensen): So have you. Grown more beautiful, I mean. Well, f-for a senator, I mean.
"Awkward!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) After that bit of awkwardness between Anakin and Padme, Captain Typho played Jay Laga'aia, tells them about the situation going on with Senator Amidala. Padme says that she don't need more security, she wants answers dammit. But the Jedi Knight and his Padawan are just here to protect her, not to start an investigation.
Anakin Skywalker: We will find out who's trying to kill you, Padme. I promise you.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: We will not exceed our mandate, my young Padawan learner.
"Oh, we'll get back to what he said later on in the movie. Trust me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see a mysterious bounty hunter talking to another bounty hunter by the name of Zam Wessell played by Leeanna Walsman, to kill Padme. Back with the Jedi, we see that they're acting as her bodyguards. While watching over Padme, Anakin has something on his mind.
Anakin Skywalker: I don't sleep well anymore.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Because of your mother?
(Anakin nods his head)
Anakin Skywalker: I don't know why I keep dreaming about her.
"Wait, what? You mean to tell me that in the ten years since Anakin left Tatooine he never went back to see his mother? Wasn't it the last thing he said to her in the last film?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Phantom Menace is shown)
Anakin Skywalker (Played by Jake Lloyd): I will come back and free you, Mom. I promise.
"Look, I know that Jedi forbid emotional attachments but come on, we all know that it's total bullshit." Sean said. "Jedi aren't allowed to have contact with family members. Are you kidding me? Would Anakin think about flying down to Tatooine and see his mother?"
Anakin Skywalker: I'd much rather dream about Padme.
"Oh. Well, Anakin's thinking. But not with his brain." Sean said.
"Yeah, thinking with his dick." Brian said.
"Exactly!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) We then see Zam Wessell loading up some very poisonous worms called kouhuns into a droid and sends the droid over to Padme's to do it for her, but Anakin and Obi-Wan sense that she's in trouble. After Anakin takes out the poisonous worms, Obi-Wan proceeds to…
(Obi-Wan jumps out of the window and grabs onto the droid)
"Uh, what was it that Obi-Wan said a few scenes ago?" Sean asked.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: We will not exceed our mandate, my young Padawan learner.
(The scene where Obi-Wan jumps out of a window and grabs onto the droid plays back)
"We will not exceed our mandate, my young Padawan learner. Let me demonstrate this by jumping out of a fucking window!" Sean yelled out as we see Obi-Wan jumping out of the window again.
(A clip from the movie Silver Streak is shown)
George Caldwell (Played by the late Gene Wilder): You stupid, ignorant son of a bitch dumb bastard! Jesus Christ. I've met some dumb bastards in my time but you outdo them all.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: What?
Sean: (Narrating) While Obi-Wan is gliding on a droid, Anakin gives chase on a speeder and we get a visual effects extravaganza chase scene. Anakin manages to save Obi-Wan's dumb ass and the chaos continues as Anakin and Obi-Wan chase Zam by recklessly going through a power coupling and just as it looks like they lost her, Anakin proceeds to do this.
Anakin Skywalker: If you'll excuse me. (Jumps out of the speeder while Obi-Wan looks on)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I hate it when he does that.
(Anakin manages to land on top of Zam's speeder)
Sean: (Narrating) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
"What the hell in the name of Jabba's balls was that? Didn't Obi-Wan say to Anakin a few scenes earlier that his senses aren't better tuned?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But they're only tuned enough for him to fall several hundred feet through the air and catch a ride on one speeder upon thousands that's traveling hundreds of miles an hour perfectly.
"Something's going on and I can smell it. Yes, it's a very distinct smell." Sean said.
(A clip from Practical Magic is shown)
Aunt Frances (Played by Stockard Channing): It's a smell of bullshit!
"He's done this kind of thing before and here's where things get weird." Sean said.
(Zam uses a blaster, knocking Anakin's lightsaber from out of his hand)
"Boy, Obi-Wan's not going to like this." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Zam crashes her speeder as Anakin chases her on foot until she hides out in a club. Oh, and here's the deal with Zam Wessell, she's a changeling. So right when Obi-Wan meets up with Anakin outside the club, Obi-Wan says something to Anakin.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Patience. Use the Force. Think.
"Use the Force. Think?" Sean said before slapping Obi-Wan upside his head. "Don't think! Feel."
Sean: (Narrating) As they head inside the club, Obi-Wan and Anakin search for Zam. Hey, she's a changeling. Which means she can turn into anybody in this bar.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Go and find her.
Anakin Skywalker: Where are you going, Master?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: For a drink.
"Hey, I would go for a drink too if I had to deal with Hayden friggin' Christensen. I mean, hell. He's giving him a hard time already. Let's not forget that him and Rachel Bilson split in 2017. I guess she saw his performance in this movie and Revenge of the Sith." Sean said.
(Obi-Wan is sitting at a bar having a drink)
Elan Sleazebaggano (Played by Matt Doran): You wanna buy some death sticks?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Uses the Jedi mind trick) You don't want to sell me death sticks.
Elan Sleazebaggano: I don't want to sell you death sticks.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: You want to go home and rethink your life.
Elan Sleazebaggano: I want to go home and rethink my life.
"Oh, dear." Sean said.
A man wearing a black leather jacket and jeans opens the front door and enters Sean's house as the young critic began to notice the man has a snake head.
"Hey, little dude. I'm the Snake. Want some weed, coke, crack? Your choice." The Snake said.
"You do not want to sell me drugs." Sean said, using the Jedi mind trick on the Snake.
The Snake just looked at Sean.
"You do not want to sell me drugs." Sean said, trying again.
The Snake kept looking at Sean.
"You do not want to sell me…." Sean said.
"That shit won't even work on me, bitch!" The Snake shouted.
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Sean yelled at the Snake and points at the door.
"You messed with the wrong man, today." The Snake threatened Sean before leaving his house.
"Unbelievable." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anakin goes around the club to spot Zam out and this could turn out to be a really awesome scene. Zam can take the form of literally anybody. Anybody in this club could be her, so Anakin and Obi-Wan could use their keen Force senses to… (Sees Zam in her human form) Or Zam could not bother to change into someone and try to blow Obi-Wan's brains out with a blaster.
(Obi-Wan cuts off Zam's arm, disarming her)
"Ugh! Talk about a missed opportunity. This could've been a really awesome scene. Hell, I could've made the scene better." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You could have Anakin walking around the bar searching for Zam, then all of a sudden he ends up attacking Obi-Wan. That would make audiences think "What the hell?!" and then it turns out that it was Zam, who disguised herself as Obi-Wan. It would show how powerful a Jedi Anakin is becoming. And then this line from Obi-Wan a little more clever.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Why do I get the feeling that you're going to be the death of me?
"There! I fixed the movie a little bit. Making a scene more awesome to show a character putting their power into good use." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But no. George Lucas introduced a character who can shapeshift into anyone but he never have her shapeshift. She's a frickin' assassin. Shapeshifting is her greatest asset. She could've shapeshifted to Captain Typho and tried to kill her in her sleep. That would've worked as well!
(A clip from WWE Raw is shown)
John Cena: You stupid bastard.
Sean: (Narrating) Obi-Wan and Anakin take Zam outside to question her but these two idiots aren't bright to use their abilities to get the answer out of her.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Do you know who it was you were trying to kill?
Zam Wessell (Played by Leanna Walsman): (Moans) It was a senator from Naboo.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: And who hired you?
Zam Wessell: It was just a job.
Anakin Skywalker: Who hired you? Tell us. Tell us now!
"Anakin, what are you doing? You think interrogating her like Jack Bauer is going to help. Boy, I wish there was some kind of power that Jedis use. Some kind of trick of the mind. Kinda like a Jedi mind trick. Yeah! That would've worked." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Right before she could tell them who hired her, Zam gets shot in the neck with a saberdart by a mysterious bounty hunter, shifting her back to her Clawdite form and dies. Well, there goes their assassin. The next day, at the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan and Anakin are ordered to split up. With Obi-Wan tracking down the dart from the bounty hunter, while Anakin is assigned as Padme's bodyguard to Naboo where she will be safe. Oh, yeah. That'll work. Assign the Padawan who wants to stick his lightsaber in her.
(A clip from Mrs. Brown's Boys is shown)
Agnes Brown (Played by Brendan O'Carroll): Dirty bastard!
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at the Senate building, Anakin talks to Chancellor Palpatine about assignment and he starts getting into his head.
Supreme Chancellor Palpatine: You don't need guidance, Anakin. In time, you will learn to trust your feelings. Then you will be invincible. I have said it many times: You are the most gifted Jedi I have ever met.
Anakin Skywalker: Thank you, Your Excellency.
(A clip from Showdown in Little Tokyo is shown)
Johnny Murata (Played by the late Brandon Lee): You have the biggest dick I've ever seen on a man.
Chris Kenner (Played by Dolph Lundgren): (Nods) Thanks.
"Oh, goddamn my dirty mind!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Padme has the order to return to Naboo. But first, she has to find someone to be her replacement senator. Someone who she can take care of her duties while she's gone. Someone intelligent. So, who does she appoint it to?
Padme: (To Jar-Jar) Representative Binks, I know I can count on you.
Jar-Jar Binks: Mesa honored to be taking on dissa heavy burden.
"What?!" Sean asked, with a shocked look on his face.
(A clip from Girl Meets World is shown)
Riley Matthews (Played by Rowan Blanchard): What?!
(A clip from The World's End is shown)
Gary King (Played by Simon Pegg): What?!
(A clip from Star Wars: A New Hope is shown)
Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): What?
(A clip from Home Alone 3 is shown)
Peter Beaupre (Played by Olek Krupa): What?!
"Excuse me while I head next door where the arms dealer is living at because I need to buy a sniper rifle." Sean said.
Anakin Skywalker: (To Padme) Sometimes we must let go of our pride and do what is requested of us.
Padme: Anakin, you've grown up.
Anakin Skywalker: Master Obi-Wan manages not to see it./I'm ready for the trials, but he feels that I'm too unpredictable. He won't let me move on.
Sean: (Narrating) And here's my biggest problem with Anakin in this movie, he tends to whine too much. I mean, my God. Just replace his lines with this.
(We get scenes of Anakin but his lines are replaced with whining sounds)
"Master Obi-Wan and I are playing hide the salami and all I think about is you." Sean said, imitating Anakin Skywalker.
(Anakin looks at Padme very deeply)
Padme: Please don't look at me like that.
Anakin Skywalker: Why not?
Padme: Because it makes me feel uncomfortable.
(Padme walks away while Anakin looks at her with a creepy-ass look)
Anakin Skywalker: Sorry, milady.
Sean just looks at the camera, looking a bit creeped out from Anakin's look that he gave Padme. "Oh, God. Is it just me or does Anakin have some creepy-ass moments in this movie?" Sean asked.
Anakin Skywalker: Sorry, milady.
"Okay, dial it back a bit there Stamos." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Anakin and Padme leave for Naboo, Obi-Wan begins to track down where the dart came from. So, he heads down to the diner and asks the local chef named Dexter Jettster, voiced by the late Ronald Falk, about where the dart came from. Dexter looks like a mix between Edgar the Bug from Men in Black, the Great Mighty Poo from Conker's Bad Fur Day with a mustache.
Dexter Jettster (Voiced by the late Ronald Falk): (After Obi-Wan shows him the dart) Well, whattya know! I ain't seen one of these since I was prospectin' on Subterel, beyond the outer rim.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Can you tell me where it came from?
"Well, I can tell you where the dart came from. It came from the Gargoyle King from Riverdale.
Sean: (Narrating) No, actually Dex tells Obi-Wan that it's a Kamino saberdart and that it came from Kamino, which is beyond the outer rim, about 12 parsecs outside the Rishi Maze. But the only problem is that when Obi-Wan checks it out, it doesn't show up on the Jedi Archives.
Madame Jocasta Nu (Played by the late Althea McGrath): I hate to say it, but it looks like the system you're searching for doesn't exist.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Impossible. Perhaps the archives are incomplete.
Madame Jocasta Nu: If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist.
"Wait, I thought the Jedi Archives contain everything in your records, yet you couldn't have anything in your records? You're useless, lady. You know, I've been looking for any records of your sex life. And….." Sean looks at his laptop for records of Madame Jocasta Nu's sex life. "Apparently, records of your sex life doesn't exist. Ha!"
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Jedi Archives can't find shit for him, so Obi-Wan resorts to asking the Younglings for help.
Yoda (Voiced by Frank Oz): What help can I be, Obi-Wan? Hmm?
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I'm looking for a planet described to me by an old friend. I trust him, but the systems don't show on the archive maps.
Yoda: Mmm. Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing.
(The children start giggling)
Yoda: How embarrassing.
"Isn't that what Ebert & Roper said about that movie when they reviewed it?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Obi-Wan shows them where the planet is at and one of the Younglings point out that someone erased it from the archive memory. So, Yoda tells Obi-Wan to go to the center of gravity's pull and he'll find the planet. Meanwhile, Anakin and Padme arrive on Naboo and she tells the new queen of Naboo Queen Jamillia played by Ayesha Dharker, about the senate voting to create an army, it will push them into a civil war.
(A poster for Captain America: Civil War is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) You wish it was that Civil War.
Queen Jamillia (Played by Ayesha Dharker): Do you see any way through negotiations to bring the separatists back into the Republic?
Padme: Not if they feel threatened. My guess is they'll turn to the Trade Federations or the Commerce Guilds for help.
Sio Bibble (Played by Oliver Ford Davies): It's outrageous, but after four trials in the Supreme Court, Nute Gunray is still the viceroy of the Trade Federation.
"Wait, Nute Gunray is still alive?! I thought that they arrested that clown and he's still the viceroy of the Trade Federation?God! If he doesn't die in this movie, I'm gonna fuckin' kill him myself! Fuckin' hate that guy!" Sean yelled out. "I haven't been this pissed off about a character since King Joffrey and Ramsay Bolton in Game of Thrones."
Queen Jamillia: The day we stop believing democracy can work is the day we lose it.
Padme: Let's pray that day never comes.
Queen Jamillia: In the meantime, we must consider your own safety.
Sio Bibble: What is your suggestion, Master Jedi?
Padme: Oh, Anakin's not a Jedi yet. He's still a Padawan learner. But I was thinking…
Anakin Skywalker: Hold on a minute.
Padme: Excuse me.
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said.
Anakin Skywalker: Excuse me. I'm in charge of security here, milady.
Padme: And this is my home. I know it very well. That is why we're here. I think it would be wise if you took advantage of my knowledge in this instance.
Anakin Skywalker: Sorry, milady.
"God, why does it feel like I'm watching a bad sequel to The Bodyguard?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But anyway, let's check back with Obi-Wan as he finds his missing planet Kamino, a mysterious ocean planet, and he meets up with the Kaminoans. We learn that the Kaminoans have been working with the Jedi Council for quite some time and Prime Minister Lama Su voiced by Anthony Phelan, tells Obi-Wan that an army was ordered ten years ago by a Jedi Master named Sifo-Dyas, but Sifo-Dyas was killed almost ten years ago. So, what is this army? Well, it's a clone army, of course. And the army is for the Republic. But before we see this clone army, we check back in with Anakin and Padme on Naboo, and we get George Lucas' attempt at writing romance.
Padme: We used to come here for school retreat. We would swim to that island every day. I love the water. We used to lie out on the sand and let the sun dry us and try to guess the names of the birds singing.
Anakin Skywalker: I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.
We cut back to Sean, who takes off his glasses and makes a facepalm after hearing the most cringiest line ever in a Star Wars movie. "Oh, my God. Did I just hear a character in a canonical Star Wars movie say that they don't like sand? Dude, you were born on Tatooine, there's sand everywhere!"
Sean: (Narrating) "I don't like sand.", that's the most cringiest line I've ever heard in a movie and you know what, I can come up with some sand jokes for this scene.
"Hey, Anakin. We can watch my favorite suspense-comedy Arachnophobia, it has Julian Sands in it. Then, we can hook up my PS2 and so we can play Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Also, we'll take a walk on the nice sandy beaches of California, I heard that the weather is quite lovely this time of the year. Or better yet, you can unwind by reading the collective works of French novelist George Sand while I watch Alexis Crystal lezzing it up with Taylor Sands." Sean said with a smile on his face as we hear Darth Vader shouting "Noooo!" in the background.
"Dude, who are you Luann Loud?" Brian asked Sean.
Sean: (Narrating) After that cringing bit of dialogue, Anakin and Padme give into their feelings as they….
(Padme breaks the kiss)
Padme: No. I shouldn't have done that.
Anakin Skywalker: I'm sorry.
Sean: (Narrating) Or not. Anyway, let's get back to Kamino as Obi-Wan sees the secret to cloning a massive army. The secret is CGI. I'm kidding. We learn that a bounty hunter named Jango Fett was the original host for the clones and Obi-Wan is interested to meet this Jango Fett. Back on Naboo, we're back to the goddamn, pointless Anakin/Padme romance that the movie is trying to develop while I continue my relationship with Bud Light.
We cut back to Sean as we see him drinking a bottle of Bud Light lemon tea beer. "Ah. A minimum of seven while viewing Episode II or drink as many as you want until you pass out. Me? I'm going to be drinking only three because I got a review to finish.
Padme: You really don't like politicians, don't you?
Anakin Skywalker: I like two or three, but I'm not really sure about one of them.
(Anakin and Padme both chuckle)
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, why are the two of them having a picnic out on an open field… where somebody can assassinate Padme at any moment now?! Why are you out on an open field when an assassin's trying to kill you? She can get killed by sniper right now.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean as Anakin and Taylor as Padme having a picnic out on an open field)
Sean: (as Anakin) We need a system where the politicians sit down and discuss the problem, agree what's in the best interest of all the people, and then do it.
Taylor: (as Padme) That's exactly what we do. The trouble is that people don't always agree.
Sean: Well, then they should be made to.
Taylor: By whom? Who's gonna make them?
Sean: I don't know. Someone.
Taylor: You?
Sean: Of course not me.
Taylor: But someone.
Sean: Someone wise.
Taylor: Sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me.
Sean: (Smirks) Well, if it works.
Taylor: You're making fun of me.
Sean: (Laughs) No. I'd be much too frightened to tease a senator…
(Taylor gets shot by a sniper)
Sean: (Yells) Padme! Oh, God! Padme!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"You two are idiots. You deserve each other." Sean said.
(We cut to Anakin riding a shaak by balancing on top of it to impress Padme, but then falls off. Padme runs over to Anakin to check on him)
Padme: Ani! Ani, are you all right?
"Yes! He's dead! This movie's turning out great." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(Padme rolls Anakin over and he starts laughing)
"I hate you." Sean said, glaring at the camera.
(Anakin and Padme roll around the field, until Padme is on top of Anakin)
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, now! This is a PG-rated movie, you two. Let's keep it clean here. Can somebody to a wipe transition to the next scene before it turns into Star Whores?
(We get a wipe transition to Kamino)
Sean: (Narrating) Thank God. We cut back to Kamino as Obi-Wan gets ready to meet Jango Fett and here we meet this little kid named…
Taun We (Voiced by Rena Owen): Boba, is your father here?
"Huh?" Sean asked.
Boba Fett (Played by Daniel Logan): Yep.
Taun We: May we see him?
Boba Fett: Sure.
"No way. This little pipsqueak can't be Boba Fett. No, I remember Boba Fett being a badass bounty hunter with the voice of Jason Wingreen in the movies. Are you seriously trying to tell me that this kid is Boba Fett. Holy crap, that kid grew up to be the most badass bounty hunter in the history of the film series." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, friends. That's Daniel Logan playing a younger version of Boba Fett but we'll talk more about Boba later. We're gonna talk about the most badass bounty hunter who had his own video game. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Boba's father Jango Fett played by Temuera Morrison.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your clones are very impressive. You must be very proud.
Jango Fett (Played by Temuera Morrison): I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ever made your way as far into the interior as Coruscant?
Jango Fett: Once or twice.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Recently?
Jango Fett: Possibly.
"Jango, you're really doing a piss-poor job at hiding the evidence. Look, I can clearly see your armor and Obi-Wan can see it as well, you Mandalorian nitwit.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to Naboo as we get more of the Anakin/Padme romance plot, ugh.
(Anakin does his force powers to levitate the pear over to his plate, then cuts it for Padme)
Anakin Skywalker: If Master Obi-Wan caught me doing this, he'd be very grumpy.
"Why would Obi-Wan be grumpy if you did that? Oh, my God. This script is horrible like Jar-Jar. Get some better writers, Lucas." Sean said.
(We cut to Anakin and Padme sitting on the couch by the fireplace)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, I got my .45 at the ready, folks. Get ready for the cringe fest because this is going to suck.
Anakin Skywalker: From the moment I met you all those years ago not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you.
Sean: (Narrating) And some days when I have thought about you.
Anakin Skywalker: And now that I'm with you again I'm in agony.
"Hell, I can relate to you there Anakin. I'm in agony as well from watching this pointless romance." Sean said.
Anakin Skywalker: The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- - I can't breathe.
Sean: (Narrating) Sorry, I'm force choking you with my mind.
Anakin Skywalker: I'm haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me.
We cut back to Sean, who is now seen sporting a blonde mullet like singer Michael Bolton and a Jedi robe while the song How Am I Supposed to Live Without You starts while a picture of Anakin and Padme pops up.
Sean: (Sings) Tell me how am I supposed to live without you?
Now that I've been loving you so long
How am I supposed to live without you?
And how am I supposed to carry on?
When all that I've been livin' for is gone.
Sean stops singing as he turns around and sees Brian falling asleep in the armchair.
Anakin Skywalker: My heart is beating, hoping that the kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul tormenting me.
"Son of a bitch! How long do I have to sit here and watch this pointless-ass romance?" Sean asked.
(We then see a caption on the screen that reads "Another Minute")
"Yeah? Well, it's a minute too long!" Sean exclaimed.
Anakin Skywalker: What can I do? I will do anything that you ask.
(Anakin looks at Padme. There's silence between the two of them)
Anakin Skywalker: If you are suffering as much as I am, please, tell me.
"Yeah, I am suffering from watching you pouring your heart out to this attractive-as-hell senator. Look, Doctor Zhivago have a better love story than you two. Why am I not watching that right now?" Sean asked. "But you know, watching this movie is an alternative way to torture somebody."
(A clip from A Clockwork Orange is shown, we see the character Alex getting eyeball-torturing aversion therapy while Attack of the Clones is being shown. Alex starts screaming while a doctor is putting in eye drops in his eyes)
Anakin Skywalker: From the moment I met you all those years ago not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of you. And now that I'm with you again I'm in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you- - I can't breathe.
Alex (Played by Malcolm McDowell): No. No! NO! Stop it! Stop it, please! I beg you! This is sin! This is sin! This is sin! It's a sin, it's a sin, it's a sin!
Dr. Brodsky (Played by the late Carl Duering): I'm sorry, Alex. This is for your own good. You'll have to bear with us for a while.
Alex: You needn't take it any further, sir. You've proved to me that all this ultraviolence and killing is wrong, wrong, and terribly wrong. I've learned me lesson, sir. I've seen now what I've never seen before. I'm cured! Praise god!
Dr. Brodsky: You're not cured yet, boy.
Padme: We live in a real world. Come back to it. You're studying to become a Jedi. I'm- - I'm a senator.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so Padme is in an awkward situation. She's clearly not interested in pursuing a relationship with Creepy Ani here because she's a senator and he's studying to become a Jedi.
"Look, I wish I could sympathize with her but how could I when she's wearing that sexy-as-hell outfit?" Sean asked.
(We cut back to Padme and her outfit choices)
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, come on! She looks like she's dressed as a dominatrix and that's part of the ensemble. I guess this is how she dresses in Naboo. I guess it's because George Lucas want to make Natalie Portman hot. And yes, she does look hot in this movie. She's wearing sexy makeup, taking Anakin on a canoe trips, having a picnic out in the middle of the field, they're both sitting by the fireplace with the wine, candles, the sexy dress with a set that comes from a high-class porno from porn sites like Vixen and Brazzers.
(A clip from The Room is shown)
Mark (Played by Greg Sestero): (Confused) I mean, the candles, the music, the sexy dress… I mean, what's going on here?
Sean: (Narrating) And poor Anakin. He's clearly horny for her. He's just dying to rip that dress off of her and start plowing her right now. But instead, she wants to be a bloody cocktease!
"Padme, you look so goddamn hot right now you could give Theon Greyjoy an erection!" Sean exclaimed as a photo of Theon Greyjoy from Game of Thrones pop up. "If Ramsay Bolton didn't cut off his dick. Okay, guys. Raise your hand if Padme's giving you an erection right now. Say I."
"I." Brian said, raising his hand.
"I." Dave raised his hand as well.
"I'm a married man but I'm gonna say I." Adam said.
"You bet your ass." Lucas said, smirking naughtily while raising his hand.
"Definitely." Oliver said, raising his hand.
"The "I's" have it. Padme, you're giving us boners right now. Fucking tease." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I don't get it. I don't get why Jedi can't date. Look before Star Wars Episode II ever came out, this rule about Jedi not being able to date or marry or have children was just nowhere. I don't remember it anyway. Well, in the books Luke Skywalker was banging Mara Jade. The two got married and had a son named Ben Skywalker. I know they're not canon anymore because Disney's a bunch of idiots but they were canon.
"At least the new Star Wars canon keeps continuity." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, I'm getting sick and tired of this romance between the two of them. Enough of the fucking romance, I want to see some fucking action right fucking….
(We cut back to Kamino, where Obi-Wan sees Jango Fett and Boba Fett getting ready to escape in Slave 1)
Boba Fett: Dad, look!
Jango Fett: Boba, get on board!
(Obi-Wan pulls out his lightsaber while Jango shoots at him with his blasters as Obi-Wan deflects every shot with his lightsaber)
"Ooh, we get some fucking action." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we get a little nice action scene between Obi-Wan and Jango Fett. As much as I riff about this movie, I do find this scene enjoyable to watch just to see the most badass bounty hunter going up against a Jedi.
(Jango flies right at Obi-Wan but the Jedi does a flying kick on him, then uses hand-to-hand combat on him)
"Okay, all of a sudden it's turning into Star Wars: Masters of the Teras Kasai. Ugh, why did I have to mention that game. It fucking sucked." Sean said.
"You're right about that. Nice to see good 'ol fisticuffs though." Brian said.
(Obi-Wan ties the rope around the pole, causing Jango to land on the ground and making his jetpack fly off of his back. Jango shoots at Obi-Wan but the Jedi manages to kick Jango, causing him to fly off of the building)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh, not good.
(Obi-Wan gets yanked off of the building as him and Jango slide down the building before the bounty hunter uses a sharp metal gauntlet to keep him from falling)
"Huh? I don't remember Jango having one of those metal gauntlet thingies in the game." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Jango escapes while Obi-Wan goes after him. Later, Anakin has a nightmare about his mother. Maybe it's because of all the sand she's standing on. No, he has a nightmare about his mother dying, sensing that she's in trouble in Tatooine. Yeah, because you left her ass all alone on a planet filled with sand, you dumb idiot. And because of that dream, it's time to leave Naboo and head home at once.
Anakin Skywalker: She is in pain. I know I'm disobeying my mandate to protect you, Senator, but I have to go. I have to help her.
Padme: I'll go with you.
"Just like that? Boy, lady. You so want to suck his…" Sean said before getting interrupted.
(A clip from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is shown)
Professor Snape (Played by the late Alan Rickman): Silence!
"Aah! Sorry." Sean apologized then realize that Snape from Harry Potter is putting him in check instead of Tom Hardy from Bronson. "Wait, where the hell is Tom Hardy? He usually shuts me up when I'm about to say something really dirty."
Sean: (Narrating) So, Anakin and Padme head down to Tatooine, where Anakin runs into his old friend Watto, once again voiced by Andy Secombe. Watto tells Anakin that he sold Shmi to some guy named Lars, who freed her and married her. But let's check back in with Obi-Wan, as he proceeds to pursue Jango Fett as they fly into an asteroid field and have an awesome dogfight filled with some neat visual effects and wonderful sound effects from Ben Burtt and his team at Skywalker Sound. I mean, listen to when the seismic charges start exploding.
(A seismic charge that Jango sent out starts exploding, causing a shockwave and destroying some of the asteroids)
"Nice idea with the charges and how they go off. There's a few seconds of silence." Brian said.
"Then… BOOM!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) As much as I love this scene and trust me I do, I have one teeny tiny little nitpick. Daniel Logan's acting. Look, I know that he was just a kid when he did this film and I'm sure he's acting in a bunch of stuff and his acting has improved over the years but my god, this is some bad acting right there.
Boba Fett: Watch out!/Get him, Dad! Get him! Fire!
Sean chuckles a bit. "Okay, his acting is laughably bad. Check out the way he says fire."
Boba Fett: Fire!
"Fire!" Sean imitates Boba Fett.
Boba Fett: Fire!
(A clip from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is shown)
Khan (Played by the late Ricardo Montalban): Fire!
(A clip from the Seinfeld season five episode The Fire is shown)
George Costanza (Played by Jason Alexander): Fire!
(A clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is shown)
Vogel (Played by Michael Byrne): Fire!
"Geez,, you could put the kid in the Sega Afterburner commercial." Sean said.
(The Sega Afterburner commercial is shown)
Announcer: Afterburner gives you real dogfight excitement of the arcade version.
Teen: Yeah.
Boba Fett: Get him, Dad! Get him!
Teen: Your turn to burn.
Boba Fett: Fire!
(We see the jet blowing up another jet)
Teen: Let's take it home.
Announcer: Afterburner, only on the Sega System. Sega, the challenge will always be there.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh, blast! This is why I hate flying!
Sean: (Narrating) Jango fires a rocket at Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan manages to release some spare part canisters, blowing up the rocket and making Jango think he's dead before following him down to the planet Geonosis. Let's take a break from Obi-Wan as we check back in with Anakin and Padme on Tatooine, where they run into another old friend, C-3PO, once again played by Anthony Daniels respectively.
C-3PO (Played by Anthony Daniels): The maker! Oh, Master Ani! I knew you would return. I knew it! And Miss Padme. Oh, my.
"You are looking very ravishing today." Sean said, imitating C-3PO.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Anakin meets Owen Lars, played by Joel Edgerton from the Netflix movie Bright with Will Smith. And Owen's girlfriend Beru, played by Bonnie Piesse.
Owen Lars (Played by Joel Edgerton): (To Anakin) I guess I'm your stepbrother. I had a feeling you might show up someday.
"And if you bother to show up again as a hulking giant with breathing problems and a gimp suit and you're looking for some droids, feel free to send some of your men to kill us." Sean said, imitating Owen Lars.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Anakin meets the man who freed and married his mother, a moisture farmer named Cliegg Lars, played by Jack Thompson, and he has some bad news to tell Anakin that his dear old mother has been taken by the Tusken Raiders.
A picture of the Oakland Raiders logo pop up next to Sean as he turns to his right and starts shaking his fist. "Damn you, Raiders!"
Sean: (Narrating) And what's with Anakin's reaction? He's not showing any emotion after finding out that killer sand people kidnapped her. Dude, emote! Don't have a blank expression on your face like you have something up your ass. If I found out that my mother got kidnapped by Tusken Raiders, I'll react to that.
Owen Lars: Where are you going?
Anakin Skywalker: To find my mother.
Cliegg Lars (Played by Jack Thompson): Your mother's dead, son. Accept it.
"Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine. It's not like they're going to beat her to death or something like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Anakin heads out in search of his mother, while Duel of the Fates play in the background. Uh, John. I love your music and all but Duel of the Fates only work when somebody's having a lightsaber duel not when somebody's in search for their mother.
"It's just like me having sex with Taylor while Duel of the Fates play in the bedroom. It just doesn't work." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Geonosis, we see that Obi-Wan has stumbled across a meeting with the Legion of Doom, I mean the Separatist Council. We see that this assortment of evil traitors to the republic led by Count Dooku, played by the legendary Christopher Lee, may he rest in peace.
Count Dooku (Played by the late Christopher Lee): Our friends from the Trade Federation have pledged their support and when their battle droids are combined with yours, we shall have an army greater than any in the galaxy. The Jedi will be overwhelmed. The Republic will agee to any demands we make.
"I do have to give this movie some credit. They did get Christopher Lee in this movie. That's another good thing I like about this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough of Obi-Wan's plot, we check back in with Anakin as he arrives at the Tusken Raider camp, where he finds his mother Shmi once again played by Pernilla August, and he sees that she's in really bad shape.
Shmi Skywalker (Played by Pernilla August): Ani? Is it you?
Anakin Skywalker: I'm here, Mom. You're safe.
Shmi Skywalker: Ani? Ani? Oh, you look so handsome. My son. Oh, my grown-up son.
"Yeah. Her son grew up to be this attractive looking guy instead of this." Sean said as a picture of Hayden Christensen pops up to the right side of the young critic while a mugshot of Jake Lloyd pops up on the right side of him.
Shmi Skywalker: Now I am complete. I love y- -
Anakin Skywalker: Stay with me, Mom. Everything- -
Shmi Skywalker: I- - I love- -
(Shmi dies in Anakin's arms)
"Damn. After being starved, tortured, beaten and suffering from dehydration, she died from being rescued by her son." Sean said. "Well, I guess it's time to pack our bags and head back to…"
(We see an enraged Anakin beginning to slaughter the Tusken community)
Sean looks in shock from after what Anakin has done. "Jesus Christ, dude! Hell, I'm not gonna complain about it. That was the most awesome thing that he's done throughout this movie."
Sean: (Narrating) Back on Coruscant, Yoda senses a disturbance in the Force as the slaughter continues.
Mace Windu: What is it?
Yoda: Pain, suffering, death I feel. Something terrible has happened.
"Ruined The Last Jedi Rian Johnson has done." Sean said imitating Yoda.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to Geonosis, where Obi-Wan is trying to contact the Jedi Council about what Count Dooku and the Separatists are planning on doing but he couldn't contact the Council, so he tries to contact Anakin about the situation. Speaking of Anakin, he returns to the Lars moisture farm and prepares to bury his mother, and Padme attempts to comfort him.
Anakin Skywalker: Why'd she have to die? Why couldn't I save her? I know I could have!
Padme: Sometimes there are things no one can fix. You're not all-powerful, Ani.
Anakin Skywalker: Well, I should be! Someday I will be. I will be the most powerful Jedi ever! I promise you. I will even learn to stop people from dying.
Padme: Anakin.
Anakin Skywalker: It's all Obi-Wan's fault! He's jealous! He's holding me back!
"Can you believe that this guy, who became the most feared Sith lord in the galaxy was once a whiny little bitch? All he does is whine all the time. What a little…" Sean said.
(A clip from Star Wars: A New Hope is shown as Darth Vader begins to force choke Sean)
Sean starts choking after bad-mouthing Anakin Skywalker.
Darth Vader (Played by David Prowse and voiced by James Earl Jones): I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Grand Moff Tarkin (Played by the late Peter Cushing): Enough of this. Vader, release him.
Darth Vader: As you wish.
Darth Vader releases Sean as the critic tries to catch his breath.
"Oh, now he gets emotional." Brian said sarcastically.
Anakin Skywalker: I killed them. I killed them all. They're dead. Every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women and the children too. They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals! I hate them!
(The Imperial March plays in the background)
"Hey, nice touch with the Imperial March there." Sean said. "Although I'm not sure whether to be happy that this is heard and I really liked that music or the fact that The Empire Strikes Back was a much enjoyable film."
Sean: (Narrating) And what's Padme's reaction to after Anakin telling her that he slaughtered men, women and children?
Padme: To be angry is to be human.
"That's it? I get that for people who aren't force sensitive anger's natural, but come on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) That's how you're going to react when someone tells you that they slaughtered women and children? "To be angry is to be human.", isn't that what Hitler said for when he was killing the Jews? My God! Shouldn't your reaction be like "Holy son of a bitching Christ! My boyfriend is a fucking psychopath! R2, let's get the fuck outta here!". Ugh, so anyway, they have a little funeral for Shmi, then R2 arrives and shows Anakin and Padme the message that Obi-Wan has sent to them, then they retransmit the message to Coruscant for the Jedi Council to find out. He tells them that he's tracked Jango Fett to the droid foundries on Geonosis and that Viceroy Gunray is behind the assassination attempts on Padme's life. What a surprise. I mean in the last film, she did manage to piss him off. Right before he gives them more information, Obi-Wan ends up getting captured. Anakin wants to stay and protect Padme because Mace ordered him but Padme insists that they go to Geonosis to save him. So, they do. But there's no need to worry about him. He's not harmed, but what's going to happen is Ewan McGregor is about to get tortured by Christopher Lee for upstaging him. (Gasps)
Count Dooku: It's a great pity that our paths have never crossed before, Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon always spoke highly of you. I wish he were still alive. I could use his help right now.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Qui-Gon Jinn would never join you.
Count Dooku: Don't be so sure, my young Jedi.
"You forget, I was the Hammer Dracula for many years." Sean said, imitating Count Dooku.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile back on Coruscant, it turns out that Chancellor Palpatine can approve the creation of the clone army, unless the senate must vote him emergency powers. And guess who's the one to do it?
(A clip from Game of Thrones is shown)
Bronn (Played by Jerome Flynn): Jaime fucking Lannister.
"Nope." Sean said.
Jar-Jar Binks: Mesa propose that the senate give immediately emergency powers to the supreme chancellor.
(Shouts of approval)
"So how does the Republic become an Empire with an emperor? Blame Jar-Jar. He's the one responsible for countless innocent lives. I fucking hate you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get back to Anakin and Padme as they arrive on Geonosis to save Obi-Wan… pretty badly as they get surrounded by Geonosians, then we get a big action scene in the droid factory, with Padme acting like she's in Dragon's Lair by dodging every obstacle that's trying to kill her, while Anakin…
(Right when Anakin is about to get hit in the face with the mechanical arm, the screen freezes up on him and goes to black and white)
Sean: (V/O) It was at that moment that Anakin knew he fucked up.
(The screen goes back to normal as Anakin gets hit in the face)
"Gets caught up in his own stupidity." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of stupidity…
(Right when Anakin is about to turn on his lightsaber, he sees that it's been cut in half)
Anakin Skywalker: Oh, not again. Obi-Wan's gonna kill me.
(The Metal Gear Solid game over screen is shown)
Revolver Ocelot: You idiot!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Anakin and Padme get captured and… (sees Anakin and Padme on a carriage) oh, no. Couldn't you just kill them?
Anakin Skywalker: Don't be afraid.
Padme: I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.
"Oh, lord. Kill me. Kill me now." Sean said.
Anakin Skywalker: You love me? I thought that we had decided not to fall in love, that we would be forced to live a lie…
We cut to a shot of Sean putting his gun to his head before cutting back to the movie.
Padme: I truly, deeply love you and before we die, I want you to know.
(Anakin and Padme kiss)
We cut back to Sean who starts cocking his gun. "My only regret, I should've reviewed The Last Jedi first."
We cut to black as a gunshot is heard.
Sean: (Narrating) So after you survived your suicide attempt from watching their sappy romance, we see that Anakin, Padme and Obi-Wan are in the Geonosis arena, where they're being sentenced to death and each of them have their own creature to deal with while Count Dooku, Nute Gunray, Rune Haako, Poggle the Lesser, Jango Fett and Boba Fett watch on the event. Padme battles a cat-like creature known as a nexu, Obi-Wan contends with an amphibious reptilian creature known as an acklay and Anakin deals with a bull-like creature known as a reek.
"Let's make sure that he's neutered like someone we know." Sean chuckles as a photo of Theon Greyjoy pops up again. "I'm sorry, I know they killed him off in the final season but I have to pick on him."
"Killed by animals. What is this ancient Rome?" Brian asked.
(One of the Geonosians get killed by the nexu)
Anakin Skywalker: I've got a bad feeling about this.
"Oh, you think? You got yourselves into this mess." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Padme manages to free herself while Obi-Wan and Anakin manage to do the same and they battle the deadly creatures.
(Anakin gets dragged by the reek)
Sean: (V/O as Anakin) Help! Stop this crazy thing! Help me! He's dragging me through the sand! It's rough, it's coarse, it's getting in my Jedi outfit!
Sean: (Narrating) Right when our heroes are about to get killed by battle droids, one certain Jedi is about to crash the party. And I'm gonna sing about it.
Sean: (Sings the Shaft theme) Who's the black Jedi knight that's a sex machine to all the ladies?
(We cut to Mace Windu holding a purple lightsaber against Jango)
Female Singers: (Sings) Mace
"You're damn right." Sean said, imitating Isaac Hayes.
Mace Windu: This party's over.
Sean: (Narrating) But Mace is not alone, he's brought a Jedi strike team to join him, which consists of 212 Jedi and we get (sighs) the best part of the whole movie where we see an army of Jedi masters taking on a large army of battle droids in the arena. And this scene has some good moments, especially some funny moment where a battle droid has it's head on C-3PO's body and C-3PO's head on the battle droid's body, in which he says this line.
C-3PO: (While shooting at the Jedi) Die, Jedi dogs! Oh! What did I say?
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get part right when Jango is shooting at Mace.
(Mace charges at Jango while deflecting his shots)
Sean: (V/O as Mace Windu) Time for you to die, Jango. And I hope you burn in Hell!
(Mace decapitates Jango while Count Dooku and Boba look on)
"Way to have the coolest character in the movie for him to die like a little bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But it seems that the droid army has got them outnumbered and after listening to Christopher Lee monologuing for a bit, they get ready to execute our heroes but then…
Padme: Look!
(They look up and they see the clone armies arriving with Yoda and they start attacking the droids)
"The clone armies have arrived to kick some droid ass!" Sean smirked.
Sean: (Narrating) The Jedi escape and we have this big grand spectacle battle between the clone armies and the droid armies while Nute Gunray and Rune Haako escape while Poggle the Lesser entrusts Dooku with the plans to their ultimate weapon…
(Poggle the Lesser hands Dooku the plans to their ultimate weapon)
Count Dooku: I will take the designs with me to Coruscant. They will be much safer there with my master.
(We see that the ultimate weapon is the Death Star)
"And we see that the ultimate weapon is the Death Star. Make sure you get Galen Erso to design it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Enough of that little easter egg as our heroes spot Count Dooku escaping on a speeder and the clone armies wish that they have seatbelts on their gunships when this happens.
(The Geonosian fighters start shooting at the gunship, hitting it, causing Padme and a clone trooper to fall out)
Anakin Skywalker: Padme! Put the ship down!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Anakin!
Sean: (V/O as Obi-Wan) Don't go down there! There's sand everywhere!
Anakin Skywalker: Lower the ship!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: I can't take Dooku alone! I need you! If we catch him, we can end this war right now!
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, you do realize that you can shoot him down, right? He's right in front of you and you two dickwads are busy bickering like a married couple. Just shoot the fucking old geezer! Ugh, so anyway Obi-Wan tells Anakin to wake the fuck up and assume his Jedi duty as they both head down to the hangar and have their duel with Dooku.
(Anakin and Obi-Wan confront Dooku)
Anakin Skywalker: You're gonna pay for all the Jedi that you killed today, Dooku.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: We'll take him together. Go in slowly on the left.
Anakin Skywalker: I'm taking him now! (Charges towards Count Dooku)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: No, Anakin! No! No!
(Count Dooku uses force lightning on Anakin while throwing him to a wall)
Sean starts laughing from what he just saw. "Okay, now that was the best part of the movie. I wish I could play that part in a loop so I can see Anakin being a dumbass."
Sean: (Narrating) With Anakin out of commission, Obi-Wan faces off with Count Dooku alone and let's just say that Qui-Gon will be a bit disappointed with his young Padawan.
(Count Dooku injures Obi-Wan, hitting him in the arm and leg with his lightsaber)
"That is why you fail." Sean said.
(A clip from The Phantom Menace is shown as we see Qui-Gon sighing a bit)
Sean: (Narrating) Right when Count Dooku manages to swoop in for the kill, Anakin jumps in for the fight, wielding two lightsabers…
(Count Dooku cuts the green lightsaber in half)
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, well one. But hey, at least we get to see Anakin kicking ass with one lightsaber, I'm sure he's gonna do just…
(Count Dooku cuts off Anakin's right arm and force pushes him to Obi-Wan)
"WHY WERE YOU EVEN IN THIS MOVIE?!" Sean screamed out.
Sean: (Narrating) So much for these two useless wankers, we have…
(The words "Prepare To Defend Yourself" pop up on the screen while music from Soul Calibur starts playing right when Yoda enters the hangar)
Count Dooku: Master Yoda.
Yoda: Count Dooku.
"All right! Now we're gonna see Yoda kicking some Sith ass now." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(Yoda and Count Dooku lunge at each other and they start having their lightsaber duel)
"And this is the only reason why people went to the movie theater just to see Yoda fight and I have to admit, it was worth it." Sean said.
(Yoda and Dooku's lightsaber duel continues while rock music starts playing in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Despite Yoda's efforts, Count Dooku escapes after he tries to kill Obi-Wan and Anakin by crushing them with a toppling pillar, but Yoda manages to save the two of them by using the Force. After that, Count Dooku arrives on Coruscant and we see that he's in cahoots with Darth Sidious all along. Let's wrap this up: Yoda says "Begun the Clone War has.", Palpatine, Bail Organa and a bunch of other senators look on as they see the launching of clone trooper forces.
Sean: (V/O as Chancellor Palpatine) For the Empi- oh I mean for the Republic.
"But wait, what about Padme and Anakin?" Sean asked.
(We see that the two of them are in Naboo, secretly getting married. Anakin is now sporting a golden mechanical arm, with C-3PO and R2-D2 are the only witnesses)
"Ugh! Can we just end the movie now?" Sean asked.
(Anakin and Padme kiss, then we cut to credits)
"God! No wonder that this is called Episode II because this movie is complete ton-ton shit!" Sean yelled out.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I wouldn't call this movie complete shit. I mean it's bad but there are some good things about this movie. I loved the performances of Ewan McGregor and the late Christopher Lee, the action sequences are pretty amazing, the sound design done by Ben Burtt and his team up at Skywalker Sound is phenomenal as always, the cinematography done by British cinematographer David Tattersall is pretty nice with many shots used in the rule of thirds well done and you got some funny moments along the way. Plus, the visual effects is breathtaking as always. Now for the negatives: the plot is all over the place. We keep switching back and forth from Obi-Wan's storyline and Anakin's storyline and we have to deal with the damn pointless romance between him and Padme. So much time is spent on this romance between the two of them. George Lucas did not do a good job at writing romance. And then we get some cringe-worthy dialogue. Episode II is bad but a little good and yes, everyone can say that this is easily the worst out of the series, but hey at least it gave us Star Wars: Bounty Hunter, Star Wars: Jedi Starfighter, Star Wars: The Clone Wars which led to Star Wars Rebels. But hey, at least we get a better Star Wars film three years later, and thank God it's an improvement. Attack of the Clones is getting 2 clone troopers out of 5.
"Well, the Summer of Star Wars is going to continue because next time, we're taking a look at a better film in the prequel trilogy. Let's hope it gives us better dialogue." Sean said.
(A clip from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is shown)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Tells Padme about Anakin) I have seen a security hologram about him… killing Youngling.
Sean sighed a bit before speaking. "Well, I didn't say it would be that perfect. I'll see you next time."
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I don't like sand.
And that's all for the Attack of the Clones review. I hope that you all enjoyed it and me ranting about it. Now, I'm probably thinking for The Summer of Star Wars, I might review all of the Star Wars films including the spin-off movies like Rogue One: A Star Wars Story and Solo: A Star Wars Story. Or I might review some of them and some could be their own review for later on. Plus, I could do some that could be co-reviews if you're interested in co-reviewing a Star Wars movie with me. Next time, Sean the Mayhem Critic continues The Summer of Star Wars as he reviews the better Star Wars film in the prequel trilogy, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. It could be either a solo review or if you're interested, it could be a co-review. Don't forget to review this chapter, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.