The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome to another hilarious chapter and review of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean takes a look at one of Disney Channel's finest original movies, the Descendants trilogy. As a special treat, Sean reviews all three of them in one review. That's right, I said it, all three movies in one review. So sit back, relax, fix yourself some popcorn and grab yourself a nice cold one, here's the review of the Descendants trilogy. Enjoy reading the review.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Disney's Descendants is owned by Disney Channel.
Episode Sixty-Six
Descendants Trilogy
This Review Is Dedicated to the Memory of
Cameron Boyce
We'll miss you.
Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic is seen sitting on the couch in his living room with his Miami University baseball cap and without his signature glasses on his face since he's now wearing contacts as he starts his introduction. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. Let's talk about Disney villains."
(We see photos of Disney villains like the Evil Queen, Cruella di Vil, Maleficent, Captain Hook, Clayton, Scar, Professor Rattigan, Sykes, Chernabog, Frollo, Ursula, Hades and Jafar are shown while Night at Bald Mountain starts playing. Then clips from classic Disney movies are shown like Tangled, The Princess and the Frog, A Bug's Life, Beauty and the Beast, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Return of Jafar, Wreck it Ralph, The Jungle Book, Mulan, Cinderella, The Rescuers Down Under, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Robin Hood and The Incredibles are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) These are some of the nasties, cruel, wicked and most evil sons of bitches that the happiest place on Earth have ever given us. And you know what, Disney is known for having some of the best movie villains in cinematic history. And this is coming from a kind, enchanting enterprise. You have villains like Frollo, Scar, Maleficent, Lady Tremaine, Jafar and so much more that there's so many to name.
"So, the execs at Disney Channel figured out that they could come up with. Having some of Disney's finest villains and giving them children. The results: the next High School Musical for a new generation. Disney's Descendants." Sean said.
(The title for Descendants is shown as well as clips from the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) The film aired on Disney Channel on July 31, 2015. This was the biggest movie event of the century. The film was directed by Kenny Ortega, who's known for directing the movie Newsies, Hocus Pocus and the High School Musical trilogy. The film garnered some positive reviews and 6.6 million viewers, making it the most popular DCOM on Disney Channel.
(The poster for Z-O-M-B-I-E-S is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from Z-O-M-B-I-E-S, which is getting a sequel next year. The film stars Dove Cameron, Sofia Carson, Booboo Stewart and the late Cameron Boyce as the teenage children of Maleficent, Jafar, the Evil Queen and Cruella de Vil. After the film aired, the movie got two sequels, Descendants 2 and Descendants 3.
"So, as a special treat for all you Descendants fans, I'm going to be reviewing all three of the Descendants movies. We got a lot of movie to review and little time to do it. So, let's dive right in." Sean said.
("Descendants" begins)
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, no time wasting, let's just start. We get a narration from Mal, who gives us a backstory on what happened twenty years ago after Belle and Beast got married and became king and queen. They established the United States of Auradon, rounding up the villains and banishing them to the Isle of the Lost, which is surrounded by a magical barrier to keep them there.
Mal (Played by Dove Cameron): (Narrating) This is my hood. No magic, no Wi-Fi, no way out.
"Wait, no Wi-Fi? How will they live without Internet porn?" Sean asked. "Do they have any nudie mags at the Isle of the Lost?"
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to Belle and Beast's son named Ben, played by Mitchell Hope, will somehow become king at age 16. Uh, yeah. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't work that way.
Ben (Played by Mitchell Hope): I've chosen my first official proclamation. I've decide that the children on the Isle of the Lost be given a chance to live here in Auradon.
(Beast and Belle both gasp at what Ben wants to do)
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Ben wants the children on the Isle of the Lost be given a chance to live in Auradon and he's picked out four selected children.
Belle (Played by Keegan Connor Tracy): Who are their parents?
Ben: Cruella di Vil, Jafar, Evil Queen and Maleficent.
(Ben's tailor gasps in shock after hearing the name Maleficent)
Beast (Played by Dan Payne): Maleficent?! She is the worst villain in the land!
"It's bad enough that she's getting a sequel coming up this year." Sean said, imitating Beast.
Sean: (Narrating) Ben says that their children need a chance so, Beast agrees. And then we cut to the Isle of the Lost, where we're introduced to the villain kids, Mal played by Dove Cameron, Evie played by Sofia Carson, Carlos played by Cameron Boyce and Jay played by Booboo Stewart and immediately we get our first musical number called Rotten to the Core. I know, you all want me to talk about the songs in the review. I won't talk about the songs but I'll mention them. We do see that they're the children of Cruella di Vil played by Wendy Raquel Robinson, Evil Queen played by Kathy Najimy, Jafar played by Maz Jobrani and Maleficent played brilliantly by Kristen Chenoweth.
Maleficent (Played by Kristen Chenoweth): Stealing candy, Mal? I'm so disappointed.
Mal: It was from a baby.
"Only in a DCOM movie you get to hear a stealing candy from a baby joke." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I love Kristen Chenoweth's performance in the movie, she just shines. She's the best thing about this movie.
Maleficent: You four have been chosen to go to a different school in Auradon.
(Evie, Carlos and Jay try to make a run for it but Maleficent's thugs grab them)
Mal: What? I'm not going to some boarding school filled to the brim with prissy pink princesses!
Evie (Played by Sofia Carson): And perfect princes.
(Mal turns to Evie and gives her a look)
Jay (Played by Booboo Stewart): Yeah, and I don't do uniforms. Unless it's leather. You feel me?
Carlos (Played by the late Cameron Boyce): I read somewhere that they allow dogs in Auradon. Mom said they're rabid pack animals who eat boys who don't behave.
"Yup, brainwashed." Sean said.
Maleficent: You will go. You will find the Fairy Godmother and you will bring me back her magic wand.
Mal: What's in it for us?
(Maleficent throws her nail file over her shoulder)
Maleficent: It's all about you and me, baby. Do you enjoy watching innocent people suffer?
Mal: Well, yeah. I mean, who doesn't...
Maleficent: Well, the get me the wand and you and I can see all that and so much more. And with that wand and my scepter, I will be able to bend both good and evil to my will.
Evil Queen (Played by Kathy Najimy): Our will.
Maleficent: Our will, our will.
"Geez, Maleficent. Try and take all the power for yourself and not share it with anybody else." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, long story short, Maleficent wants them to steal the Fairy Godmother's wand to, you guessed it, take over the world.
(A clip from Street Fighter is shown)
M. Bison (Played by the late Raul Julia): Of course!
Sean: (Narrating) So, they say farewell to their villain parents as the magical limo picks them up and takes them to the magical world of Auradon and they're taken to the Auradon Prep School and greeted by Prince Ben and his 2008 Justin Bieber haircut and the Fairy Godmother, played by Melanie Paxson.
Fairy Godmother (Played by Melanie Paxson) Welcome to Auradon Prep. I'm Fairy Godmother, headmistress.
Mal: The Fairy Godmother? As in, "Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo"?
"No, Mal. "Fairy Godmother" as in "Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother.", what do you think?" Sean asked, referencing the edited line from the movie The Usual Suspects.
Sean: (Narrating) Ben introduces himself to the Villain Kids and we're introduced to the obligatory c-u-next Tuesday of this movie, Audrey…
Audrey (Played by Sarah Jeffery): Princess Audrey.
"Ugh!" Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, that's Princess Audrey played by Sarah Jeffery, and she happens to be Ben's girlfriend.
Audrey: (To Mal) Hey! You're Maleficent's daughter, aren't you? Yeah, you know what? I totally do not blame you for your mother trying to kill my parents and stuff. Oh, my mother's Aurora. Sleeping Beauty.
"Yeah, Audrey. We know who your mother is. I've seen the movie and your grandparent's didn't invite Mal's mom to your mother's stupid christening when she was a baby. God, I hate you." Sean said.
Audrey: Water under the bridge.
Mal: Totes.
(Mal and Audrey laugh and sigh)
Sean: (Narrating) But before Mal could turn into a dragon and turn that bitch into a crisp, Ben shows them around the school and the kids get tours to their dorm rooms as Dopey's son Doug, played by Zachary Gibson, become infatuated to Evie. Hell, I would too if I see Sofia Carson lookin' smokin' hot and bangable with blue hair. My magic wand will be goin' outta control for her. So, when nightfall arrives, Mal and the gang sneak into the Museum of Cultural History to steal the Fairy Godmother's wand. But first, they have to get past the guard and how do they do that? Well, Mal has her mother's handy-dandy spellbook to make the guard prick his finger on her mother's spinning wheel. By the way, love the neat little easter eggs from the Disney movies. And the guard ends up falling asleep.
(The security guard pricks his finger and ends up falling asleep)
Mal: Not so dorky now, huh? (Smiles)
"Uh, yeah. From what I recall from Sleeping Beauty, the only way to wake someone up from the spell is with a kiss. Boy, can you imagine how awkward it's going to be the next morning when the other guards find their buddy asleep?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, Oliver and Brian playing the security guards. Brian is asleep while Sean and Oliver stand over him, trying to figure what to do)
Sean: (as Security Guard Fred) So, uh, are you gonna do it, George?
Oliver: (as Security Guard George) What are you crazy? I'm not doing it. You do it.
Sean: Forget it, I'm not kissing him.
Oliver: Oh well. Guess that means, goodbye Barney.
(Sean and Oliver walk away while Brian stays asleep)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) While looking for the wand, they come across the Gallery of Villains, where they see statues of their parents and Mal begins to question herself about being good and evil the best way she could think of… by song, of course.
(The song "Evil Like Me" starts)
Mal: (Sings) Look at you, look at me
I don't know who to be mother,
Is it wrong, is it right,
Be a thief in the night mother,
Tell me what to do
Evie: Mal. Come on.
(The statue of Maleficent comes to life as Maleficent starts laughing)
Sean starts screaming like Homer Simpson after the statue of Maleficent comes to life.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, we get our next song of the film called Evil Like Me, a song I like in the movie and boy Kristen Chenoweth and Dove Cameron shine in this once. Now, I could keep talking about the song but right now they found the Fairy Godmother's wand. Well, that was easy. Now, all they have to do is to shut off the alarm and…
(Jay tries to grab the wand but fails as he accidentally sets the alarm off)
"You morons didn't think that it would be that easy, did you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, big fail. Thanks to Jay's stupidity. And because of his stupidity, they start their first day of school and of course things start off a little award.
"Well, isn't that always when you have your first day of school?" Sean asked.
Fairy Godmother: If someone hands you a crying baby, do you: A. Curse it? B. Lock it in a tower? C. Give it a bottle? Or D. Carve out it's heart?
(Mal is seen busy drawing the wand)
Fairy Godmother: Mal?
Mal: C. Give it a bottle.
Fairy Godmother: (Smiles) Correct, again.
"NEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRD!" Sean yelled out, imitating Homer Simpson.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we're introduced to the Fairy Godmother's daughter Jane, played by Breanna D'Amico, and I have to say that Jane is an awkward little something when she first sees the Villain Kids. But as luck would have it, Mal runs into Jane in the girl's restroom and pretends to be her friend by doing this.
Mal: Beware or swear, replace the old with brand-new hair.
(Mal changes Jane's hair and gives her perfectly good hair)
"By making Jane go from not to HELLLOOOOOO NURSE!" Sean smiled.
Jane (Played by Breanna D'Amico): Do my nose.
Mal: Oh, I can't. I've been practicing.
"Jane, you're perfect just the way you are. Now, if only there's a spell to give you the ass of Cali Carter and the breasts of Reagan Foxx. You'll be bangably hot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mal's plan was to pretend to be friends with Jane by giving her good hair in hopes of getting the wand because that's how great friendships start. So, while all this is going on, we check back in with the other VKs having their own little adventures like Evie having a thing for Cinderella and Prince Charming's son Chad Charming, played by Jedidiah Goodacre, who's a bit of a dumbass, Jay starts playing some kind of sport and join the school's team and Carlos, who has a run-in with the school's dog.
(We see Carlos running away from a dog)
Carlos: Ah! No, wait! (Screams while he keeps running)
Ben: Carlos? Carlos!
(Ben goes after Carlos and the dog as Carlos runs into the woods and climbs a tree)
Carlos: Ben, help me! This thing is a killer! He's gonna chase me down and rip out my throat. This is a vicious rabid pack animal!
Ben: (Picks up the dog) Hey, who told you that?
Carlos: My mother.
"Really, dude? Why are you acting like the dog has rabies or something. He's not going to bite you. He's adorable." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Carlos realizes that dogs are not dangerous and he befriends the school's dog named Dude. Back with Evie, she meets with Chad underneath the bleachers for hot action and wanting to get laid by him, but his dumb-ass self was just wanting her to do his homework. Anyway, we're introduced to another character by the name of Lonnie, played by Dianne Doan. Lonnie is the daughter of Mulan. Anyway, Lonnie heard what Mal did to Jane's hair and wants Mal to change her hair.
(Mal changes Lonnie's hair, we then see Lonnie standing in front of a mirror)
Lonnie (Played by Dianne Doan): I love it.
Evie: You do?
Lonnie: It's just…
(Lonnie rips her skirt)
Lonnie: Now, I'm cool.
Mal: Like ice.
"Oh, my God. Mal, please don't. I had enough ice puns Schwarzenegger when I reviewed Batman & Robin." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Moving on. Later in the movie, we learn that at Ben's coronation ceremony. You know, when he becomes king. The Fairy Godmother is going to use her magic wand for I don't know, for something. Maybe conjure up Detective Pikachu. Everyone at the whole school is going to attend. Which gives those little rascals a chance to take the wand and use it to, you guessed it, take over the world.
(A clip from Street Fighter is shown)
M. Bison: Of course!
Sean: (Narrating) But there's one teeny tiny little problem, though.
Mal: Um, is it true that we all get to go to your coronation?
Ben: Yeah, the whole school goes.
Mal: Wow. That is beyond exciting. Do you think there's a possibility that the four of us could stand in the front row next to the Fairy Godmother, just so we could soak up all that juicy goodness?
Ben: I wish you could. Up front it's just me, my folks and my girlfriend.
Mal: And your girlfriend?
Ben: Yeah. I'm sorry.
"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?" Sean asked, imitating the Brain.
(A clip from Pinky and the Brain is shown. R.I.P. Gordon Bressack)
Pinky (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): I think so, Brainy. But why would anyone want to Pierce Brosnan?
Sean: (Narrating) After hearing this important useful information, Mal has come up with a perfect plan in order to steal the magic wand is by making a magic love cookie for Ben to try to brainwash him to break-up with Audrey and falling in love with Mal instead.
"Uh, isn't that unnecessary? Yeah, if I was 16 again and some hot girl with purple hair walked up to me and gave me a cookie, yeah, let's just say that I don't make it to adulthood." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ben takes the cookie and eats it and then…
(Ben eats the cookie)
Mal: How are they?
Ben: They're good. They're great! They're amazing!/The chocolate… the chocolate… the chocolate chips are… (Starts feeling the effects of the love spell) I'm sorry. Um…
"Yeah, this is what happens when you give someone a cookie that doesn't taste right. They would be sick to their stomach." Sean said.
Ben: Mal, have you always had those little golden flecks in your eyes?
(Mal grabs the cookie and puts it back in the bag)
Jay: How are you feeling, bro?
Sean starts laughing a bit. "Jay, dude. My genie. Are you okay? What is going on with you? See? Because of stuff like this you Descendants fans write about Jay and Ben for your dirty fanfiction. And then there's some that started writing an Umevie smut story. Unless someone makes that happen."
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the magic love cookie worked. Well, a little too well that after the school's tourney game, Ben declares his love for Mal when he starts singing a song to her.
(The song "Did I Mention" starts playing)
Ben: (Sings) Did I mention that I'm in love with you?
Did I mention there's nothing I can do and did happen to say.
I dream of you everyday. But let me shout it out loud.
"Oh, my God. And I thought Jerry O'Connell made a fool of himself when he sang to Neve Campbell in the cafeteria while standing on a table in Scream 2." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, because of Ben falling head over heels with Mal, this angers Audrey which she dumps Ben for that idiot Chad Charming, which upsets Evie. Oh, come on Evie. That guy's not right for you. He pulled the ultimate dick move by having your magic mirror taken away.
(A picture of Chad Charming is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Douchebag!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ben asks Mal out on a date. So, she goes to Evie, who helps her get ready.
"Well, you know what this means for a movie like this? A MAKEOVER SCENE!" Sean yelled out and starts squealing like a teenage girl.
(Mal checks herself out in the mirror and smiles)
Evie: I know.
Mal: I look…
Evie: Say it.
Mal: Not hideous.
Evie: Not even close.
(A clip from Community is shown)
Chang (Played by Ken Jeong): Ha! Gay!
"Come on! It's no surprise. You have people on Fanfiction writing erotic lesbian stories of Mal and Evie." Sean said. "I still gotta work on that Malvie one-shot."
(Ben stands in front of the door and sees Mal in her outfit)
Ben: For the first time, I understand the difference between pretty and beautiful.
Sean begins to start dry-heaving like Jim Carrey's character from off of Dumb and Dumber, then he covers his mouth before leaving the room.
Sean: (Narrating) During their date, which is super romantic when Ben takes Mal to the enchanted forest and they have a picnic by the lake. Then out of nowhere, Ben wants to go for a swim but Mal wants to stuff her face with some strawberries and then…
(The love theme from Dumb & Dumber starts playing as Mal sees a shirtless Ben standing on top of some rocks in his swimtrunks)
"And there's your fan service right there, girls. I hope that you're happy and having naughty fantasies about Ben. Don't act like you don't!" Sean pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Mal gets a good look at Ben's abs and then she starts singing a song about how she's falling in love with Ben and his abs.
(The song "If Only" plays)
Mal: (Sings) If only I knew what my heart was telling me.
Don't know what I'm feeling.
Is this just a dream?
"Okay, I have to say that I got nothing bad to say about this song. As much as I make fun of this movie, I find this song enjoyable just to watch Dove Cameron sing her heart out. The song is filled with sweet emotion and it's one of the best songs in the movie and in the soundtrack." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Mal finishes her song, she doesn't find Ben surfacing from the lake, so she jumps right in to find him. But there's one little problem, though. SHE CAN'T SWIM!
(The drowning music from Sonic the Hedgehog plays as Mal thrashes around in the water but the music stops as Ben helps her get out)
Mal: You scared me!
Ben: You… you can't swim?
"Dude, she lives on an island with a barrier around it. You think she knows how to swim? Didn't you hear me play the music from Sonic the Hedgehog earlier while she was in the water?" Sean asked.
Ben: Uh, Mal… I told you that I loved you. What about you? Do you love me?
Mal: I don't know what love feels like.
Ben: Maybe I can teach you.
"Ben gazes deeply into Mal's emerald green eyes as he slowly leans in to give her an enchanted kiss on her soft, pink lips…." Sean said, while working on a Ben/Mal fanfic on his laptop before looking up at the camera and stops typing. "Oh, uh… let's move on."
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, it's Family Day at Auradon Prep and…
(The song "Be Our Guest" starts playing)
Ben: (Sings) Ma chere Mademoiselle,
It is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure….
"Oh, Jesus." Sean said, rolling his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this is the low point of this movie. A hip-hop rendition of Be Our Guest. Why would you think that this is a good idea? Man, Howard Ashman is spitting in his grave from hearing this. Anyway, Ben introduces Mal to his parents and they seem to be taking a liking to her, even though she's the daughter of Maleficent. And speaking of Maleficent, Audrey's grandmother, Queen Leah played by Judith Maxie, talks to Mal and when that bitch of a granddaughter appears, this happens.
Queen Leah (Played by Judith Maxie): (Mistakes Mal for Maleficent) You! How are you here? And how have you stayed so young?
"Wrong person, lady." Sean said. "I think Audrey's grandma is off her meds."
Queen Leah: My daughter was raised by fairies because of your mother's curse. So her first words, her first steps, I missed it all!
"That's because you didn't invite her mother to your daughter's christening, you stupid idiot!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Because of Queen Leah mistaken Mal for her mother, it's Ben's fault for bringing the Villain Kids to Auradon. So now, it's time for Mal and her friends to face the world again and be shunned like outcasts.
Audrey: How long does she think that's gonna last? Mal is just the bad girl infatuation.
Jane: Yeah. I mean, he's never gonna make a villain a queen.
"Jane, shut the fuck. This is why I don't like your ass in this one because of what you said to my favorite character Mal. And for that, you must pay the price." Sean said.
Mal: Beware, forswear, undo Jane's hair.
(Mal undoes Jane's hair after she mocks her and everyone laughs at her)
Mal: There's a lot more where that came from.
(The words "Thug Life" pop up on the screen while a pair of sunglasses appear on Mal's face and a gold chain around her neck while the song "Fuck You" by Dr. Dre starts playing)
"Okay, Mal's a straight-up savage for that one. Jane should've shut her mouth. Serves you right for mocking a Villain Kid." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) We then come to the day of Ben's coronation and it's finally time to get that magic wand. Now, Mal plans to undo her love spell on Ben before taking over the whole world by giving him a cupcake with the anti-love spell.
(Ben eats the cupcake)
Mal: No!
Ben: (While eating the cupcake) Mm. Mm… Mm! This is really good.
Mal: Uh, do you…
Ben: Mal?
Mal: Do you feel okay?
Ben: You bet.
Mal: Would you say that you're still in… that… that you have very strong feelings for me?
Ben: I'm not sure. I mean, let's give the anti-love potion a few minutes to take effect.
Mal: Okay. (Realizes what Ben just said) What? What? You knew?
Ben: That you spelled me? Yeah, Yeah, I knew.
"Oh, my God! He knew! Serpentine, Mal! Serpentine!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Ben knew that Mal spelled him and on their first date her spell washed away in the enchanted lake and yeah his feeling for her are real. Anyway, the coronation starts and I've got to say for a Disney Channel Original Movie, their green screen effects are not that good. Look, I know that they don't have the biggest budgets but how have their green screen technology not getting any better. I've seen better effects in Halloweentown. So, the Fairy Godmother takes out her wand and Mal snatches the wand from her grasps and breaks the barrier around the Isle of the Lost, freeing the Disney Villains…
"Uh, Sean." Dave said.
"What?" Sean asked.
"Mal didn't take the wand." Dave said.
"Huh? Wait, if Mal didn't take the wand, then who did?" Sean asked.
Fairy Godmother: Child, what are you doing?!
Jane: (While holding the wand) If you won't make me beautiful, I'll do it myself!
"Are you frickin' kidding me?! Jane takes her mother's wand just so she can look pretty. That's her plan? Geez, Disney Channel movies. They don't always make sense." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mal takes the wand away from Jane and she's getting ready to do whatever the hell it is she's going to do, but the warm fuzzy feelings inside her is telling her something else.
Mal: I think I want to be good.
Ben: You are good.
Mal: How do you know that?
"Because your thoughts betray you, Mal. I feel the good in you. The conflict." Sean said, imitating Ben.
Sean: (Narrating) And like every solution to every Disney Channel movie, you have to listen to your heart, and that's what they do. They follow their hearts and not their parents' evil ways. So Mal, Evie, Carlos and Jay choose to be good for the rest of their lives and they return the wand to the Fairy Godmother and they all live happily ever after.
"Well, that's all for Descendants. Now, it's time to move on to…" Sean said.
(Maleficent teleports ten seconds later at the coronation)
"Goddamn it! I forgot there's a climax to the film." Sean said.
Maleficent: I'm back!
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Maleficent arrives and she's not going anywhere until Mal hands over the wand but Mal tries to convince her that taking over the world may not be the best idea.
Maleficent: I've had years and years and years and… Years of practice being evil. You'll get there.
Mal: No, I will not. And I really wish that you had never gotten there yourself. Love is not weak or ridiculous. It's actually really amazing.
"Oh, lord. Here we go. Trying to foil the big bad character with the power of love. How many times have we've seen that happen before? Uh, like in every movie ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mal grabs the wand back but her mother isn't going to be foiled easily by the power of love, so Maleficent turns into a dragon and attacks them.
"Yeah, because that worked the first time when she fought Prince Philip in her dragon form and look what happened to her." Sean said.
(A clip from Sleeping Beauty is shown as we see Prince Philip throws his sword that was blessed by the fairies directly into Maleficent's heart)
Sean: (Narrating) Then the big confrontation ultimately amounts to Mal and her mother having a staring contest.
(Mal's eyes glow green as she stares into her mother's eyes)
We cut back to Sean as we get a close-up shot on Sean's eyes.
"So, who's gonna win this contest, me or you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After that staring contest, Maleficent gets turned into a lizard because of something about having no love in her heart. I don't know, just roll with it. The mean kids are all nice to the Villain Kids and the film ends with another catchy song and a good musical number.
(The song "Set It Off" plays)
Everyone: (Sings) Let's set it off! Oh yeah (oh, yeah)
Start a chain reaction,
Never let it stop!
Let's set it off, oh yeah (oh, yeah)
You can make it happen
With everything you got!
Sean: (Narrating and they all live happily ever after…
(Mal gives the audience a sly smile and flashes her green eyes)
Mal: (Narrating) You didn't think that this was the end of the story, did you?
"Goddamn it. Thank you for sequelbaiting us, Mal." Sean said.
(The title card for "Descendants 2" is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Which brings us to Descendants 2, the sequel to the most popular movie Descendants. The movie aired on July 21, 2017 and everybody tuned in on that night, literally. Because they showed that movie not only on Disney Channel but on Disney XD, ABC, Freeform, Lifetime and Lifetime Movies.
"Because when you think of Lifetime and Lifetime Movies, you think of thrillers on Lifetime and Dance Moms and shows of the female demographic." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie reunited some of the cast from the first film and Kenny Ortega returned to direct this movie, well let's examine Descendants 2 and…
(The first musical number "Ways to Be Wicked" starts)
Sean: (Narrating) Immediately, the movie begins with three-minute long musical number with Mal and her friends spreading evil throughout Auradon Prep through bewitched apples, but it turns out it was just a dream as we see Mal, who's sporting Addison's hair color while she's being bombarded by paparazzi.
"Uh, what? The movie opens with a song and I have a question: why open the movie with a song, which is awesome by the way, but when the song ends, it doesn't Segway properly. It felt so random and out of place by opening the movie with a song and ending it with paparazzi. Just so random." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So we see that Mal is trying to get adjusted to life in Auradon. She's now dating Prince Ben. (Clears his throat) Wait, he's now king. Not only she's dating him, she is studying to become the Lady of the Court for the Royal Cotillion. Mal is still struggling to become all proper and good in this world she still resorts to using magic, much to Evie's dismay.
Mal: Evie, you remember what I was like before I started using my spell book? I mean, I was a complete disaster.
Evie: Well, personally, as your best friend. I strongly believe that this spell book… (Grabs the spell book from out of Mal's hand)
Mal: Ah!
Evie: It belongs in the museum, along with my mirror.
"Belongs in wha- what is this Indiana Jones?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is shown)
Indiana Jones (Played by Harrison Ford): It belongs in a museum.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ben wants to keep spoiling Mal with gifts and all because he wants to show off his amazing abs to her, so what does he give her?
(Mal sees the purple scooter)
Mal: (Gasps) What? Ben, does an ogre like cheese puffs? This is amazing! It's purple.
"Really? A scooter? A fucking scooter?! When dating the daughter of Maleficent, what kind of gift you think you could give her, the first thing that pops into your mind is a scooter. And where is she gonna drive that thing, you're on an island. Oh, shit. Now, I'm gonna have to play this clip." Sean said, pointing to his right.
(A clip from Donald Trump's response to the disaster in Puerto Rico is shown)
Donald Trump: This is an island surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water.
Sean: (Narrating) Let's talk about the other characters for a bit. We have Evie running a pretty thriving business in fashion by making everyone's Cotillion outfits and oh yeah, she has a thing for Doug.
"It's gotta be the glasses. Oh, yeah." Sean said in a deep voice.
Sean: (Narrating) Then Jay and Carlos have a little subplots of their own that I have to talk about. First up, Jay. We see that he's the captain of the school's fencing team and spars with an unknown opponent who ends up whooping him. So, who is this unknown opponent you might ask?
(The unknown opponent takes of his fencing mask and we see that it's Lonnie)
Jane: It's Lonnie.
(Jane applauds)
Jay: Not bad.
Lonnie: You should put me on the team.
Sean: (Narrating) Yep, Mulan's daughter Lonnie wants to be on the fencing team but Chad Douchebag complains about having a girl in their fencing team.
Chad Charming: (Pulls out the rulebook) Section 2, paragraph 3, 11-4. "A team will be comprised of a captain and eight men.". Hmm? Why don't you read the rulebook?
"Uh, Chad, who's mother kicked Shan Yu's ass. Oh, wait. Not your mother because she was busy being locked in her room by her stepmother. OHHHHHHHH!" Sean yelled out as he points at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we have Carlos, who's trying to ask out Jane to Cotillion but she's pretty busy with doing some planning business but he doesn't have the cojones to ask her out and he keeps getting friendzoned.
Carlos: (While on his laptop) "How to get out of the friendzone.".
Sean: (Narrating) Seriously? You need your laptop to help you out with how to get out of the friendzone? Dude, just nut up and ask her out. It's not that hard.
"Just tell Jane how you feel and ask her out. Hell, when I asked my girlfriend out I wasn't that nervous. We got together on Valentine's Day. That's how I asked her out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Mal, who's under pressure with all this Lady of the Court-business whips up a little truth gummy for Carlos so he can tell Jane that he wants to bone her. But this ends worse than you think and this happens.
(Dude eats the gummy instead)
Mal: Bad dog!
Dude (Voiced by Bobby Moynihan): Man, that thing was nasty!
(Mal and Carlos look in shock as Dude talks)
Dude: And you—you just got to man up. And while you're at it, scratch my butt.
"Did the dog just talk? Is it going to be one of those movies where there's a talking dog in it?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this is the low point of the movie. Dude now has the voice of Louie from Ducktales and my God. Did they thought it was a good idea to have a talking dog in it? If I want to listen to a dog talking I'd rather watch Look Who's Talking Now. Meanwhile, we cut to the Isle of the Lost, where we're introduced to three new Villain Kids: Harry Hook, the son of Captain Hook, played by Thomas Doherty. Gil, the son of that idiot Gaston, played by Dylan Playfair. And Uma, the daughter of Ursula, played by A.N.T. Farm and Black Lightning's China Anne McClain. We see that Uma is bitter over Mal leaving the Isle and enjoying the good life in Auradon.
Uma (Played by China Anne McClain): That snooty little witch, who grabbed everything she wanted and left me nothing.
Gil (Played by Dylan Playfair): No, she left you that sandbox, and then she said that you could have the shrimp ord…
Uma: I need you to stop talking.
Harry (Played by Thomas Doherty): Look, we have her turf now. They can stay in Bore-adon.
Uma: Harry, that's her turf now! And I want it too.
"Oh, yeah. A little power hungry as well. Jealous much?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get the next song in this movie, the most annoying song. God help me.
(The song "What's My Name?" starts playing)
Uma: (Sings) What's my name? What's my name?
Everyone: (Chants) Uma!
Uma: (Sings) This is all hands on deck.
Calling out to lost boys and girls.
I'm getting' tired of the disrespect.
We won't stop 'til we rule the world!
"Oh, sweet Jesus. Can we just show a clip of Ursula singing Poor Unfortunate Soul?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Little Mermaid is shown as we see Ursula singing Poor Unfortunate Soul)
"Thank you. I needed that just to contain my sanity." Sean said.
Uma: (Sings) What's my name? What's my name?
Everyone: (Chants) Uma!
Uma: (Sings) Say it louder!
What's my name? What's my name?
Sean: (Narrating) Will you quit asking everyone what your name is? We already know what your name is. We don't need a frickin' song and dance number.
(Ursula's tentacle pops out and tries to whack Uma with it)
Ursula (Voiced by Whoopi Goldberg): Shut your clams!
Uma: Mom!
Ursula: These dishes ain't gonna wash themselves!
"We get Ursula, played by Whoopi Goldberg, and for one scene? Really? C'mon, you guys." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Mal and Ben, who are having some private time to themselves with a nice little meal, until all that is ruined when Ben finds Mal's spellbook and learns that she lied.
Mal: (Tries to spell Ben) Take back this moment that has past, return it… reverse it.
Ben: Are you trying to spell me right now?!
"Yeah, that's the perfect reaction for you when your girlfriend tries to spell you. Why couldn't you react to this when she spelled you? But no, you was like "Oh, I know you tried to spell me and you think I'm hot with my amazing abs, we're cool.". Dumbass!" Sean exclaimed.
Ben: Then why are you doing this?
Mal Because… I'm not one of those pretty pink princesses, Ben. I'm not one of those ladies from the Court. I'm a big fake, okay. I'm fake. This is fake. (Touches her hair) This is fake.
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Dr. Otto Scratchensniff (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): (Gasps) It is not!
(Yakko, Wakko and Dot nod their heads)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, I guess it's time for Ben to console her.
Ben: (Grabs the peanut butter and jelly sandwich) Peanut butter and jelly is my favorite!
"Great job, Ben. Way to be sensitive to your girl. Stupid idiot." Sean muttered under his breath.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Mal packs up her things and her lizard mother as he leaves Auradon and heads back to the Isle of the Lost to reclaim her evil roots. Meanwhile, Evie tells Ben that Mal has gone back to the Isle of the Lost and she gives him the note that she wrote and her ring that she left.
Ben: This is my fault. This is my fault. I-I blew it.
"Really? You think?!" Sean asked. "Dude, you should know that your little girlfriend has been under pressure lately and you should understand that. But no, you went all Beast mode on her. Fucking idiot."
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ben wants to go to the Isle so he can find Mal to apologize to her. But he's not going alone. He's going to have Evie, Jay and Carlos with him because hey he's an Auradon native and they don't take kindly to him. Back with Mal, she decides to stop off at Lady Tremaine's Curl Up & Dye. Get it? Get the pun? And we're introduced to another character of the movie. This adorable little ball of joy is Dizzy, the daughter of Drizella Tremaine and the granddaughter of Lady Tremaine, played by Anna Cathcart.
Dizzy (Played by Anna Cathcart): (On Mal's hair) The washed-out blonde with purple tips? The best of no worlds. You can't see where your face ends and your hair begins!
Sean: (Narrating) And I have to give this film some credit, that painting of Lucifer the cat is a nice touch, though. We get a little makeover montage and we get to see Mal's new hairstyle and…
(We see that Mal got bangs in her hair)
Mal: (Looks in the mirror) There I am.
"Oh, God. Mal, what did you do to your hair? Bangs, really? Is that the hairstyle you're going with? Look, I know that things were getting tough on you but seriously. That's not a good look for you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Harry shows up to collect the money from Dizzy because he's the Isle of the Lost version of a mobster.
Mal: Still running errands for Uma or do you actually get to keep what you steal?
Harry: (Sees Mal) Well, well, well. What a nice surprise.
Mal: Hi, Harry.
Harry: Just wait until Uma hears you're back. She's never gonna give you back your old territory.
Mal: Oh, well, that's okay. Because I will be taking it.
(Harry strokes Mal's hair with his hook)
Harry: I could hurt you.
"But I don't want to because we will be dating after this movie airs." Sean said as photos of Dove Cameron and Thomas Doherty are shown. "I'm not joking, this movie actually brought Dove Cameron and Thomas Doherty together."
(Mal sticks her gum on Harry's hook)
Mal: Not without her permission, I bet.
(Harry then proceeds to chew Mal's already been chewed gum off of his hook)
"Ewww! You know that gum's been in her mouth, right? ABC: Already Been Chewed." Sean said.
(We see Harry chewing Mal's gum once more)
Announcer: The next best thing to a best friend.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with the VKs and Ben, they sneak over to the Isle of the Lost and they have Ben disguised as one of them, then he starts acting like every tourist in America, so they teach him how to blend in and how do they do it? Can you take a guess?
(The song "Chillin' Like a Villain" plays)
Chorus: (Sings) You'll be chillin', chillin', oh
Chillin' like a villain (chillin')
Chillin' like a villain (chillin')
Chillin' like a villain (hey)
Chillin' like, chillin' like (hey), a villain
"Another goddamn cheesy pop song. Where's the Jim Bean at?" Sean asked before getting up from off of the couch and leaving the room.
Sean: (Narrating) I swear, I'm going to have to do a drinking game every time a song starts playing. Hell, Ben can't even dance! So after that song and dance number, they bump into Gil, who recognizes Ben.
Gil: Hey, I know you!
Ben: Uh, no. Don't know you either, man.
Gil: Uh, yeah, you do. Come on, man. Really? Huh? Dude, I'll give you a hint. My dad is quick, slick and his neck… Huh? Is incredibly thick.
"Not to mention your dad tried to kill his dad and tried to force your mother into an abusive marriage." Sean said, mentioning Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. "Come on, doesn't it ring any bells yet.
Sean: (Narrating) But Gil's slow ass finally figured out that the king is hanging out on the wrong side of the tracks, so he reports to Uma at once. Back with Ben, he finds Mal in her hiding place and he tries to win her back and bring her home.
Ben: Mal, I'm so sorry about our fight. It was my fault. It—(Pulls out Mal's ring) Please come home.
Mal: Ben, I am home.
Ben: I brought the limo. It's a sweet ride.
"Besides the air conditioning, it has surround sound, an UKHD television and a jacuzzi for us to relax in. Come on, babe. Don't you want to touch my amazing abs?" Sean asked. "We can play Uncharted 4 on my PS4 Pro."
Sean: (Narrating) But Mal tells Ben that this is her home now because she feels that she's a bad influence and that she'll mess up again and makes all of Auradon hate her. So, she does the old reject him to save him bit.
"Alright, how long until these two morons get back with each other? This is a waste of my fucking time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) A heartbroken Ben leaves and he gets himself kidnapped. I'm not fucking kidding, that idiot gets himself kidnapped. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen! They let Ben get kidnapped by the enemy. I wonder how Mal would react to this.
Mal: If you guys never would have brought him here, this never would have happened. What were you thinking?!
"See? Even Mal thinks you guys are stupid!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Mal meets Uma at her mother's fish and chips shop, where the two of them have an exchange of words with each other.
Mal: I'm still flattered that you dream of me. I haven't given you a thought since I left.
"Okay, now I came up with a fanfic idea about Mal and Uma having angry lesbian sex. Thanks a lot movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) In order for her to get Ben back, Mal arm wrestles Uma. Seriously? Arm wrestling? Couldn't you two just duel it out with sais like Gladys Jones and Penny Peabody from Riverdale or a Dynasty-style catfight?
(We see Mal's eyes glowing green while she's arm wrestling Uma)
Uma: If I win… you bring me the wand.
(Uma beats Mal in arm wrestling)
"Oh, shit! Not again. Haven't we been through this before?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) This film is retreading plot points from the first film. You have the heroine torn between good and evil, using magic as a crutch and having the same McGuffin. In this case, the wand is the film's McGuffin again. So, in order to free Ben from Uma, they have to give her the wand, by having the boys to head back to Auradon to use Carlos' 3D printer to print out a wand, while Mal and Evie have a little duet about Evie questioning Mal about bottling up her real feelings and singing about their friendship and blah, blah, blah! Moving on. We cut to the set of Peter Pan, where we see Harry creeping on Ben while Ben tries to pull this bit on Uma.
Ben: I get that you don't deserve this.
Uma: "This?" This island is a prison, thanks to your father. And don't pretend to look out for me. Because no one's looking out for me. It's just me.
"Yeah, she doesn't need your pity." Sean said.
Ben: I never thought of it like that before. That I could've hurt the people I didn't pick. My plan was to start with four kids and bring more people over.
"Ben, you're an idiot! You know, you're starting to get on my nerves right now. THIS WAS YOUR FUCKING IDEA TO BEGIN WITH! Boy, Belle and Adam raised a kid who's. Hmm, what's the word that I'm looking for?" Sean asked.
(Red Forman from That 70's Show pops up)
Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): Dumbass!
"Thank you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Carlos and Jay return to the Isle with Lonnie joining them. Oh, yeah and Dude too. Why? Let's get the big climax going as Mal and her friends arrive and…
(The song "It's Goin' Down" starts playing)
Uma: (Sings) Huh, let's get this party started
I swear I'm cold-hearted
There's no negotiation
I'm not here for debatin'
Sean: (Narrating) (Sighs) The most awesome song ever. I'm not kidding, I find this song very enjoyable. Let's not forget the fact that they had a little rap battle, which is pretty silly seeing Mal and Uma having a rap battle. But hey, the choreography looks good. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Back to the plot. Mal give Uma the wand but Uma finds out that the wand is a fake, realizing that she's been had, so our heroes fight their way out with Carlos firing bad CGI smoke bombs an epic swordfight. Anyway, our heroes escape and the bad guys have been thwarted. Well, movie's over. Let's move on…
(The words "40 Minutes Left" are shown on the screen flashing in red lettering)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, Christ!
"It's still not over?! We're not done yet?! We should've been wrapped up right now." Sean said,
Sean: (Narrating) Ugh! We still got the third act to cover. Let's wrap this one up quickly. While fleeing the Isle, Mal left her spell book behind. Oh, and there's some awkwardness between Mal and Ben while driving back to Auradon because Ben had a case of Stockholm Syndrome creeping up his ass because of Uma. We also wrap up some subplots for Carlos and Jay, with Carlos finally having the balls to ask Jane out and Jay gets Lonnie onto the fencing team as the new team captain. So, we finally get to the night of Cotillion when Ben stuns everyone by bringing Uma as his date. Wait, what?
(Ben kisses Uma's ring in front of everyone, including Mal)
Ben: I'm sorry. It all happened so fast. Something happened to me when I was on the Isle with Uma. A connection.
Mal: What are you saying?
Ben: I'm saying—
Uma: It was love. It was.
"Yeah, there's something fishy about this. I don't know. Maybe Uma is following the sins of the mother. Remember The Little Mermaid?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) While a heartbroken Mal gets ready to flee the scene, Jane realizes something's amiss when they unveil a gift for Mal and Ben, which is a stained glass painting of the two of them with Mal realizing that Ben loved the way she is. But then Ben has an announcement to make.
Ben: Uma will be joining the court tonight as my lady.
Beast: Son…
Ben: Not now, Dad…!
"I'm acting!" Sean yelled out, imitating Ben.
Sean: (Narrating) Ben announces that he's bringing down the barrier once and for all, but then Mal realizes that Ben has been spelled by Uma because the daughter of Ursula found her spell book and Mal comes up with a plan to snap Ben out of this.
Mal: Ben, I know what love feels like now. Ben, of course I love you. Ben, I've always loved you.
(Mal kisses Ben, breaking the spell)
Ben: Mal.
Evie: True love's kiss. Works every time.
"Well, duh. True love's kiss sets everything right for every Disney princess." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Uma isn't happy about Mal breaking her spell and having a happy ending with Ben, so she decides to act like her mother and turn into a giant octopus. Uh, Uma. Using a spell on a handsome prince and turning into a giant octopus didn't end well for your mother. In fact, this is what happened to her.
(A clip from The Little Mermaid is shown, showing Prince Eric ramming the ship into Ursula)
"Yeah, she got turned into a shishkabob." Sean said.
Uma: True love's kiss won't defeat this. The world will know my name!
Sean: (Narrating) But then Mal is sick and tired of Uma's antics, so she turns into a dragon and tries to turn Uma into fried calamari. But then Ben is sick and tired of watching the senseless violence between them and decides to intervene.
(Ben roars and jumps into the water and gets in between Mal and Uma)
Ben: That's enough! It's got to stop! This isn't the answer! The fighting has got to stop!
"Really, Ben? You start roaring and jumping into the water and try to break this fight up! I was expecting you to turn into a beast like your father. Stupid!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So then Uma leaves after hearing Ben's words and Mal and Ben reunite. Mal gets rid of her spell book and Evie requests that Dizzy be allowed to attend Auradon Prep and Dizzy accepts. And everyone has a big song and dance number to end the film. And they all live happily ever after. The…
Uma: (To the audience) What? You didn't think this was the end of the story, did you? (Laughs)
"What the fuck?!" Sean exclaimed.
("Descendants 3" begins)
Sean: (Narrating) Which brings us to the third and final film of the Descendants trilogy, Descendants 3. The third installment in the Descendants series. In this one, Mal, Evie, Carlos and Jay return to the Isle of the Lost to choose four new villain kids, which are now known as VKs to take to Auradon. Those four lucky kids chosen to go to Auradon are Dizzy, Squeaky and Squirmy the sons of Mr. Smee played by Christian Convery and Luke Roessler, respectively. And Celia, the daughter of Dr. Facilier, played by Jadah Marie. Aside for choosing the four new kids to go to Auradon, tensions are running high as Mal keeps a lookout for Uma.
(Ben sneaks up on Mal and surprises her from behind as Mal gasps in surprise)
"Geez, Ben. Careful with trying to sneak up on your girlfriend like that. You almost dropped her over the railing."
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from the four new VKs, look who's back. Audrey's back. (Nonchalantly) Yay. So on the day of welcoming the new VKs to Auradon, Ben has a special announcement to Mal.
Ben: (Gets down on one knee and pulls out a ring box) Mal, it's you and me. It's you and me forever. Will you marry me? (Opens the ring box to reveal a ring) Will you be my Queen?
Audrey: No!
"No? Look here, Audrey. Mal beat you. You had your chance. Besides, you're happy with that douchebag Chad Charming." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mal accepts Ben's proposal and everyone is happy for the happy couple. But not everyone is happy.
Queen Leah: Audrey, you were supposed to be his Queen, and you let him slip through your fingers. Your mother could hold onto a prince in her sleep.
"Comparing your granddaughter to your daughter while she was asleep? Shame on you, besides Maleficent put you and your husband asleep. Hell, the whole kingdom. So, you shut up, you old spidery broad." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, it's time to bring the new VKs to Auradon and while driving to Auradon, someone tries to escape. And that person happens to be Hades, god of the Underworld, played by Cheyenne Jackson. Hades tries to escape but Mal thwarts the god in her dragon form, until he uses an ember on her by draining her magic.
Mal: He was draining all of my magic with the ember, and I felt all of my powers slipping away.
Sean: (Narrating) After that eventful day, Audrey tries to contain her jealousy of Mal stealing Ben away from him. So how does she do it…
(The song "Queen of Mean" starts playing)
Audrey: (Sings) I followed all the rules
I drew inside the lines
I never asked for anything that wasn't mine…
"Uh, what are you doing?" Sean asked.
Audrey: (Sings) Being nice was my past time
But I've been hurt for the last time…
"Uh, why are you singing to me? Don't sing to me, little miss desperate. You deserve to be single." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, Audrey sings about it and she goes down to the Auradon Museum to steal the Evil Queen's crown and Maleficent's scepter, turning her evil. So, yeah. Audrey's evil. What a surprise. She's was an evil bitch anyway. The next day, they learn about Hades' attempted escape and the theft at the museum. So Mal, as future Queen, comes up with the perfect solution.
Mal: I think that there's only… one way to guarantee their safety. And I think that there… can't be anymore going in and out. I think that we have to close the barrier… forever.
Ben: No
Beast: Son.
Ben: No.
"Ben, buddy. Come on. Mal's not trying to put the axe on your dreams, she's just trying to protect Auradon. That's her duty as Queen. Hell, this won't come back to bite her on her ass." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Mal and her friends are preparing to go to Jane's birthday party, when Audrey suddenly shows up and gives Mal the ol' what for.
Mal: Okay, Audrey, you're better…
Audrey: Quiet!
Mal: It's not a toy. It's dangerous.
Audrey: I want to be dangerous.
We cut back to Sean, who's busy cracking up from Audrey's line. "Yeah, nice line reading there. "I want to be dangerous.". Says the one wearing the full-on leather body suit in the summertime. Yeah, that's pretty dangerous enough for you."
Sean: (Narrating) Audrey gets her payback on Mal and uses the scepter to turn Mal into an old lady.
Audrey: You think Ben will love you now, you old hag?
"Uh, the reason why Ben fell for Mal was because she made cookies and cupcakes for him and he loved her for the way she is. Well, let me give you some news, Audrey. You want to know who makes the best cookies, you're ever gonna have? Grandmas! So, the joke's on you. Also, my grandmother, may she rest in peace, makes the best cookies you're ever gonna have.
Sean: (Narrating) And then Mal drops some important information. The only thing that's more powerful than the scepter is Hades' ember. That's the new McGuffin for the film. In the last two movies, the McGuffin was the Fairy Godmother's wand was the powerful thing in the universe. Anyway, Audrey crashes Jane's birthday party and uses a spell to put everyone to sleep by singing Happy Birthday.
"Yeah, I would fall asleep too when someone dressed in a full-leather body suit sings Happy Birthday." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, our heroes rush over to the Isle of the Lost to find Hades' ember, with Mal and Celia head down to Hades' cave and find him sleeping. Well, this is going to be easy.
(Mal tries to grab the ember, but Hades grabs her hand and stops her. He turns to Mal and looks at her)
Mal: Hi, Dad.
"What?" Sean asked.
Mal: Hi, Dad.
Then, music from The Empire Strikes Back starts playing in the background.
"No, that's not true. That's impossible!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So let me get this straight, Hades was married to Maleficent. Guess the two of them got together in the House of Mouse. And the two of them had Mal and they both separated. Hmm, I wonder what happened between them and why Mal hates him.
Mal: You abandoned me when I was a baby.
Hades (Played by Cheyenne Jackson): No, no. I left your mother. She's not the easiest person to get along with.
"That's true. I mean Maleficent is the mistress of evil. So yeah, she's not that easy to get along with." Sean said.
Hades: Oh! Boo-hoo. Wake up and smell the stink. You think you've had it rough? I used to be a god! I had an entire world which bore my name. And now I have nothing! And you have no idea what that feel like.
Mal: Really? Because for 16 years, I had nothing.
"Come on, Mal. If you're having daddy issues, then have a daddy tissue." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, then Mal and Hades have a little song and dance number about Mal's daddy issues and I find this song enjoyable just like Mal and Maleficent's song in the first film. After they finish singing their song, Hades gives Mal the ember and right when our heroes are about to leave the Isle, they run into Gil and Harry and guess who shows up.
(Uma pops out of the water after she grabs the ember)
Uma: Lose something?
Harry and Gil: Uma?
Uma: That's my name.
Sean: (V/o as Gil) Great, Uma. Now you show up. You left Harry and me high and dry.
Sean: (Narrating) Uma's back and she now has her hands on the ember. But Uma has a proposition, which is for Mal to release all the children from the Isle.
Evie: Here's a thought. We can try to be friends. Put our history behind us and celebrate our differences. Yeah? (Pulls out some gum) Who wants gum?
Uma: Let's go.
Evie: No?
(They all walk away as Evie just stands there and eats a gumball)
"Aww, poor Evie. Trying to step in and make everyone get along. Give her a break here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, they somehow return to Auradon only to find everyone asleep or turned to stone, all because of Audrey. Except for one certain character.
(Carlos finds Dude eating food out of a sleeping student's hand)
Carlos: Dude.
Dude: Delicious.
Carlos: Dude, really?
"Oh, great. We have to deal with the talking dog again. Shit." Sean said, trying to contain his sanity.
Sean: (Narrating) They go to the castle to find either Audrey or Ben in the castle. That is when Audrey attacks them with suits of armor that she made come to life, giving us a song and dance number. Speaking of dance, Mal comes up with a little idea on how to stop the killer suits of armor.
(We see Mal dancing as well as the suits of armor. Next up, Uma starts dancing as well and Carlos too)
"They have a little dance-off to break the spell. By dancing. Things got too silly here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After defeating the suits of armor, they try to congratulate each other for working as a team, but Mal and Uma are still bitter at each other. So, Evie has a better idea.
Evie: You know what we should try? An ice breaker.
(Jay and Carlos both groan in irritation)
Evie: You say something you really like about the person, okay?
Uma: Is she always this perky?
"Evie, this is not the right time or place to do an ice breaker. Unless you have some Ice Breakers gum for everyone to chew." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So our heroes split up. With Mal, Uma, Evie and Celia looking for Audrey at the Fairy Cottage, only to find Smee's twin sons and Dizzy asleep, as well as Doug, who Evie is emotionally involved with and is nervous to talk about her feelings for Doug. So, Evie decides to…
(The song "One Kiss" starts playing)
Evie: (Sings) Don't freak out, it's okay,
'Cause true love can save the day
And I think we feel the same
But I don't know
"She starts to sing about it while looking sexy." Sean says while watching Evie's musical number.
Evie: (Sings) When we met, it was sweet,
He was also into me
A smile appears on Sean's face while he continues to watch the musical number.
Evie: (Sings) One kiss, one kiss,
It all comes down to this
One kiss, one kiss (oh)
"My God, Sofia Carson is lookin' pretty sexy in this scene. Damn, Doug is a lucky bastard. Just kiss him already so I can get this review over with. Besides, you're making Sean Jr. wake up with your seductive dance moves." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Evie wakes Doug up by using the true love's kiss method. Then, he decides to pull a prank on her by acting like he's still asleep. Dude, don't do that because she will spell you. Back with the boys (guitar riff), they continue their search for Ben until Dude picks up a scent.
Dude: Boy, something stinks. And it wasn't me this time.
(Ben appears in his beast form and roars as Dude screams and runs away)
Sean starts laughing a bit at Ben's beast form. "Stop, stop, stop. That's Ben's beast form? That's the most silliest thing I've seen in my life. I mean, look at him. He looks like a cuddly cat. He should be on Discovery Family's Too Cute."
Sean: (Narrating) But then Jane shows up and sprays Ben with the enchanted lake water to restore him back to normal. Then Harry sees Jane and tries to make a move on her.
Harry: (Sees Jane) Well, well, well. Harry Hook. And you, my little duckling… are ravishing.
Carlos: (Chuckles) Okay. Ravishing and taken… just in case anyone was confused.
"Well, I don't mind sharing her with you. Maybe Jane is into that kind of thing. Boy, I bet somebody's gonna come up with a Carlos/Jane/Harry threesome story for Fanfiction." Sean said. "Let me stop because I'm giving everybody ideas."
Harry: Hey, Jay (clears his throat) yeah, thanks for saving me, gorgeous face.
"And there are people writing Jay/Harry male slash in 3, 2, 1 and start typing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with the girls, Mal and Uma are busy eating Jane's birthday cake and the two of them start to warm up to each other, until that is ruined when Audrey tries to trap them in Evie's house, until Mal and Uma combine their magic to break the spell before they reunite with Ben and the rest of the VKs.
Mal: (Sees Ben's beard) What is this?
Ben: Oh, yeah?
Mal: I can get use to this.
Ben: You like it?
Mal: I love this.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mal, okay. Just save it for your honeymoon night. You'll get all the mustache rides from him as you like." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, our heroes arrive at the Fairy Cottage to look for Audrey, but instead they find Chad locked in the closet.
"You know, it impresses me that Chad appears in all three movies and still he doesn't do jack shit." Sean said. "Hell, that's a good thing because he's totally useless."
Sean: (Narrating) And then, we come to the point of the movie when Mal decides to drop the biggest nuclear bombshell that she's been hiding.
Mal: I have to tell you guys something.
"Mal, don't." Sean said.
Mal: I lied to you.
"Mal, please. Don't ruin this." Sean warned.
Mal: The kids won't be coming off the Isle.
Jay: What do you mean?
"Mal, I'm warning you. Your friends and everyone that you know will hate you for the rest of your life. Don't fuck this up, you stupid…" Sean said.
Mal: The program is shut down.
Sean does a facepalm after she reveals about the program being shut down.
Mal: And the barrier will be closed for good.
(A clip from Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult is shown, showing Ed Hocken, Nordberg, the Academy Awards crew members and the audience doing an epic facepalm)
Sean: (Narrating) So now, because of Mal lying to them, they're all royally pissed off at her. Then Celia throws the ember in the water. Are you nuts?! What the flying fuck?!
"Great job, Celia. You screwed Mal!" Sean yelled. "Little runt."
Evie: Closing the barrier was your idea?
Mal: I did it for us. I did it for our life that we have here now.
Evie: You lied to Jay. And you lied to Carlos. And you lied to me.
"Well, if you're gonna bitch about it and get mad at me, why don't go next door to where they're doing The Perfectionists? Damn show sucks! I'm still ticked at Marlene for splitting up Emily and Allison. How dare she?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And just like that, Audrey turns Evie, Ben, Carlos, Jay and Dude into stone. Hey, I'm just glad that she turned the dog into stone so that way I won't hear his mouth. Then, Mal starts singing a song about being true to herself.
"How many times have she done this before? Maybe 100 times. We get it, Mal. We get it. Can we just move on from your biggest screw-up?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I don't want to joke about the song "Once Upon a Time" performed by Dove Cameron, I think it's the best song in this movie. Hell, it's better than "Queen of Mean". Dove Cameron gets a gold star for singing that song. After the song ends, Audrey kidnaps Celia and holds her hostage and Mal goes into her dragon form to go mano y mano with the Queen of Mean. But wait, Mal's not too powerful, she needs some help. But who would help her?
Uma: We're stronger together. We're stronger together! I'm right here, Mal! Regain your might and ignite. I'm right here, girl. I'm right here. Regain your might and ignite!
(Hades' ember starts igniting again)
"It's go time, bitch!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) So Mal gives Audrey the biggest Kamehameha in her life to defeat her and breaks the spell throughout. Bus she might've gone too far.
"Great job, Mal. You just killed Audrey. Boy, have you realized that this movie is dark? I know that there's some lighthearted moments in the film but geez it could get dark at times." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) In order to bring Audrey back to life, Mal enlists the help of her father Hades to do so because the ember is powerful in his hands. And I love this moment between Beast and Hades.
(Hades and Beast growl at each other)
Mal: Dad.
(Beast and Hades stop growling at each other)
"Okay, that was pretty funny." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway Hades revives Audrey and Audrey apologizes to Mal and Ben for trying to ruin their lives. Yeah, I still thing Queen Leah is the real villain here and Mal and Hades make up. The film wraps up as Mal and Ben have a little engagement party, but then Mal realizes what she has to do about Auradon, the Isle of the Lost and the barrier.
Mal, Evie, Carlos and Jay: (While holding the Fairy Godmother's wand) To make the world a better place, we have to do it face to face.
Sean: (Narrating) So, with the barrier down the people of Auradon and the Isle of the Lost natives celebrate with a little song and dance number, Hades arrives at Mal and Ben's engagement party and Ben tries to get along with his father-in-law, Jane and Carlos become boyfriend and girlfriend, Harry gets turned down by Uma and Audrey now has eyes for Harry. And the film ends with Mal, Evie, Jay and Carlos racing across the bridge to their parents. And they all live happily ever after. The end.
"And that was Descendants 1-3. And phew, what a rush to get through these three." Sean said.
(Clips from Descendants 1-3 are shown while the song "Break This Down" starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) So, how well do these three films hold up? Well, even though these films have it's moments at times, I still find them enjoyable to watch. The songs are pretty catchy and memorable. The characters are likeable and the performances from Dove Cameron, Sofia Carson, Booboo Stewart, Cameron Boyce and the rest of the cast were great. Even though I get annoyed when they keep showing them over and over again on Disney Channel, they're a guilty pleasure. Hell, because of Descendants, it brought me and my girlfriend together. Thank you, Kenny Ortega. The Descendants trilogy get 4 talking dogs out of 5.
"Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before he leaves the living room.
(Bonus Scene)
(We see Sean entering his office getting ready to hang up a photo of Cameron Boyce on his wall. He straightens it a bit and stays silent for a bit before saying a word)
Sean: We'll miss you, Cameron. Thanks for making every moment count.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Rotten to the core.
And that was the Mayhem Critic's review of the Descendants trilogy. I hope that you all enjoyed reading the new chapter. True story, the Descendants movies brought me and my girlfriend Myca together. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes on Arnold Schwarzenegger once more when he takes a look at the 1993 fantasy-action-comedy Last Action Hero. After the Last Action Hero review, I will do a review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze after this review. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.