The Mayhem Critic
Hello, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean takes a look at the 2000 film Charlie's Angels. Aside from reviewing the film, he has to contend with an angry feminist and his crude jokes. Remember, this is a parody and I'm not trying to offend anyone who's a feminist. So sit back, relax, grab yourself something cold to drink and enjoy this hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Charlie's Angels is owned by Columbia Pictures.
Episode Sixty-Eight
Charlie's Angels
We open with our favorite critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic entering his living room and sitting down on his couch as he prepares to start his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "I think it's about time that we talk about Charlie's Angels."
(Footage for the 2019 reboot trailer is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, we've heard about the 2019 reboot and the trailer that debuted in theaters. I saw the trailer when my mom and I saw Spider-Man: Far From Home back in July. In the reboot, it stars Kristen Stewart, Naomi Scott and Ella Balinska. The film is a continuation of the first two Charlie's Angels movies and the television show and this one is directed by Elizabeth Banks, who also stars in the reboot and wrote the screenplay. Okay, now I'm thinking to myself "Does she think this is a good idea to reboot Charlie's Angels?".
"Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with Elizabeth Banks directing the reboot, but I don't think that it's a good idea to reboot it." Sean said.
"Misogynist!" A female voice yelled out.
"What the hell is that?" Sean asked as he looked around the room.
"You think that a woman isn't capable of directing a Charlie's Angels reboot?" A woman wearing glasses, a red sweater and a floral vest said as Sean noticed her.
"Wait, how the hell did you get in here?!" Sean asked.
"The name's Piper, I'm from the FAMC." Piper said.
"The FAMC? What is that?" Sean asked.
"Feminists Against Mayhem Critic." Piper said as she holds up a poster with Sean's face on it.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Really?" Sean asked.
"You don't think that Elizabeth Banks is capable of directing a movie? Did you expect a man to direct Charlie's Angels?" Piper asked.
"No, I have a feeling that Elizabeth Banks will do a good job in directing the reboot." Sean said.
"Oh, really? This coming from a man who doesn't think that women can't be Ghostbusters because men are allowed to be Ghostbusters." Piper said.
"Now wait a minute. Why are you bringing up Ghostbusters 2016? I thought we were over this." Sean said. "I like the original Ghostbusters better."
"Oh, boo-hoo." Piper said.
"Ugh. Can I talk about the movie, please?" Sean asked.
"Fine. Sexist bastard." Piper said as Sean rolled his eyes in disgust.
"Today, I'm going to talk about Charlie's Angels. The 2000 film version." Sean said.
"Pig!" Piper shouted.
"Ugh! Just roll the footage." Sean said.
(The title of the movie is shown as well as clips from the film while Charlie's Angels 2000 by Apollo Four Forty starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, I'm talking about the film adaptation that was released in theaters on November 3, 2000. The film stars Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and Bill Murray and it was directed by McG…
Piper: (Narrating) Oh, great! A guy directing Charlie's Angels.
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, shut up! The film was directed by Joseph McGinty Nichol, also known as McG, in his directorial debut. He's also known for directing it's sequel Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and Terminator: Salvation. Oh, yeah. He also directed We Are Marshall, This Means War, 3 Days to Kill, The Babysitter and Rim of the World and he also produced the Netflix movie Tall Girl. So what is it about? It's about three beautiful women working for their mysterious boss to find a kidnapped software genius and retrieve a stolen voice-ID software from the hands of very bad people by using their wit, martial arts and being sexy all at the same time.
Sean looks down and noticed what Piper is placing onto him.
"What the hell are you doing?" Sean asked as Piper got off of the floor.
"I placed these pads on your genitals." Piper said.
"Why?" Sean asked.
"If you say any derogatory comments about any of these women, I will press this button and it will send volts of electricity to your manhood. For example." Piper said as she pressed the button.
Sean screams as he felt the electric shock hitting him. "What the hell was that for?!"
"That was for that comment about Miley Cyrus." Piper said.
"I didn't make that comment!" Sean exclaimed.
"I know. I just felt like punishing you." Piper said.
"God." Sean said. "Okay, for those of you who haven't heard of Charlie's Angels let me give you a little history on the show."
(Clips from the 1976-1981 TV show is shown while the theme music plays)
Sean: (Narrating) The show ran for five seasons on ABC from 1976 to 1981 and it starred Kate Jackson, Farrah Fawcett-Majors, Jaclyn Smith, Cheryl Ladd, Shelley Hack, Tanya Roberts, David Doyle and John Forsythe as the voice of their boss Charlie. The show follows the adventures of three beautiful women working in a private detective agency. In later seasons, there were some casting changes. After Farrah Fawcett left, Cheryl Ladd joined the cast in season two. Then Shelley Hack joined the cast in season four after Kate Jackson left the show because of problems on set and her and Cheryl Ladd never getting along with each other. Then on the show's final season, Shelley Hack left the show and Tanya Roberts joined the cast. Damn! I haven't seen a lot of cast changes since Law & Order. The show had a reputation for merely being "Jiggle TV", but the show gained it's popularity from it's audiences. After the show's cancellation in 1981, the series continued to have a cult and pop culture following through syndication and it's DVD releases. So in 2000, one of the execs at Columbia Pictures figured that it would be a good idea to make a Charlie's Angels movie.
"With the show having dramatic elements, the film version had more comical elements. It was more of an action-comedy Have a first-time director directing this movie and John August, who's the screenwriter for the films Go, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the live-action version of Aladdin, wrote the screenplay for the film alongside Ed Solomon, who wrote the screenplay for Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Mom and Dad Save the World, Men in Black and…" Sean said as the poster for the movie Super Mario Bros. pop up on-screen. "Ugh, that movie! Hey, even though Ed Solomon wrote the screenplay for Super Mario Bros., I'm sure that this script is in good hands. So, let's dive right into Charlie's Angels and see if I can keep this review free from derogatory comments."
(The movie begins with the Columbia Pictures logo, then it zooms into the clouds until we see an airplane)
Sean: (Narrating) Our movie opens with the traditional Columbia Pictures logo, followed by the zoom-in on the clouds until we see an airplane flying before we get the inside of the plane. Then, the camera follow some guy wearing African garb and we see that the man named Mr. Jones played by LL Cool J is meeting with this Steve Buscemi-looking guy for an exchange.
Mr. Jones (Played by LL Cool J): Where's the bomb?
(Pasqual unzips his jacket to reveal a bomb, then the camera zooms in on the bomb, showing that it's counting down)
Pasqual (Played by Sean Whalen): I am the bomb.
"What the hell? How in the hell did he get that bomb past airport security? I know that the film was released before 9/11 but seriously. This just goes to show that airport security sucks." Sean said.
(We see on the television screen, they're showing the movie T.J. Hooker: The Movie)
Mr. Jones: (Sighs) Another movie from an old TV show.
Pasqual: Well, what are you gonna do?
(Mr. Jones looks at his watch)
Mr. Jones: Walk out.
"Hey, that's how I felt when I saw Baywatch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But Mr. Jones grabs Pasqual and jumps out of the plane with him in a most-impressive sequence ever as he skydives until another mysterious skydiver flies after them to remove the bomb off of him and land safely on a speedboat, where a bikini-clad beauty is driving.
Natalie Cook (Played by Cameron Diaz): Nice flight?
(Alex removes her helmet and tosses her hair in the air as Mr. Jones lands on the boat)
Pasqual: (Screams) You crazy bastard!
Mr. Jones: (Takes out a voice changing device from out of his mouth and speaks with a feminine voice): I think you mean "crazy bitch".
(Mr. Jones takes off his mask, revealing a beautiful redheaded woman)
Pasqual: What is this? What's going on here?!
"Oh, my god! LL Cool J suddenly turned into a beautiful white woman! Aaaaaah!" Sean screams.
Sean: (Narrating) So, who are these three beautiful women? Where did they come from? Well, let Charlie, once again voiced by the late John Forsythe, tell you all about them.
Charlie (Voiced by the late John Forsythe): Once upon a time, there were three very different little girls…/who grew up to be three very different women./But they have three things in common: they're brilliant, they're beautiful and they work for me. My name is Charlie.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to our three heroines for this movie: Natalie Cook played by Cameron Diaz, Dylan Sanders played by Drew Barrymore and Alex Munday played by Lucy Liu. After the introduction to our characters, we get an awesome-as-hell intro with that kick-ass rendition of the Charlie's Angels theme. By the way, the music is awesome in the movie. After that intro we get….
(We get a shot of Dylan's legs with water dripping all over it as the camera pans up to her face)
Sean: (Narrating) …hello, legs.
"Aaah, go fuck yourself!" Sean exclaimed as he felt an electric shock hitting his body.
"That's one." Piper said.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Dylan is waking up after having a night of passion with, oh, God. Not him. (Sighs) Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chad played by Tom Green. You know, the nutbag who starred and directed Freddy Got Fingered, a film that the Nostalgia Critic reviewed, poor bastard. Also, fun fact: Drew Barrymore and Tom Green were dating at the time they filmed the movie.
"Oh, Christ. I'm so glad that they're marriage ended in 2002." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Charlie calls Dylan and it's time for her to leave Chad's boathouse before he gives her something more than breakfast.
Chad (Played by Tom Green): Is it the boat?
Dylan Sanders (Played by Drew Barrymore): It's not the boat. I have to go.
Chad: Is it the Chad?
Dylan Sanders: It might be the Chad.
(Dylan gets in her car and drives off as Chad looks in shock)
Chad: It's the Chad! (Drops his spatula and skillet of eggs in the water) It's the Chad!
(Chad falls into the water)
"Hey, that's how I felt after I saw Tom Green in Road Trip and Freddy Got Fingered. That was my exact reaction." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Natalie, who's busy having fun on Dancing With the Stars until she realizes that it's a dream and her happy-go-lucky self just starts dancing her heart off in her underwear.
(We see Natalie dancing in her underwear and shaking her behind)
"You know, I've always known that Princess Fiona from Shrek has got a nice ass… AAAHHHHH!" Sean screamed as another electroshock hits his body.
"That's another one, pig." Piper said after she pressed the button.
Natalie Cook: (To the UPS Delivery Guy) Good morning. I signed the waiver, so feel free to stick things in my slot.
Sean just stares at the camera and stays silent for a bit, giving a low sigh before saying a word. "I know what you're doing, movie. I know what you want me to do but I don't want to. Nope! Because I do not want to get shocked in the nuts again for saying a crude joke about Natalie's line. It's a line with heavy sexual innuendos followed by a sexual remark from me. Nope, I'm not going to do that."
"I wish I could stick it in her slot." Lucas said.
"Goddamn it, Lucas! AAAHHH!" Sean screamed out after getting shocked by Piper once more. "What was that for? I didn't even say that, you crazy bitch! Why couldn't you shock him instead?!"
"Sorry, broski. I don't want to deal with crazy feminists. Your on your own." Lucas said as he immediately left the room.
Sean: (Narrating) When then cut to a desert, which is supposed to be a movie set and a trailer, where…
Alex Munday (Played by Lucy Liu): This is going to be long… hard and rough.
We cut back to Sean, who's making a confused look on his face from the dialogue.
Jason Gibbons (Played by Matt LeBlanc): Sometimes when it's rough, I just get there faster.
"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked, looking confused.
Alex Munday: If you don't defuse this bomb Logan, L.A.'s gonna be a new underwater attraction.
Jason Gibbons: Which wire? The red one or the blue one?
Alex Munday: Bum-bum-bum! (Laughs)
Jason Gibbons: (Chuckles) That is not helping.
"I'm sorry, were you two talking about sex or something else? I'm getting pretty fucking confused." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, Alex and her movie star boyfriend Jason, played by Matt LeBlanc, are reading lines from a script for a movie that he's starring in.
"Well, I see that Estelle found a movie for Joey to star in, the lead role in an action movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jason is curious about Alex's job and wants to meet Charlie but she says that Charlie is not a very sociable person. She discusses her situation with Natalie and Dylan while sharing her muffins with them and Alex's muffins are not a big hit with them.
Dylan Sanders: Oh, my God.
(Dylan throws her muffin at Natalie and hits her on her chest)
Natalie Cook: (Whispers) Ow!
(A clip from the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers episode Food Fight is shown)
Bulk (Played by Paul Schrier): Hey, I betcha I can hit the principal over there.
(Bulk laughs and throws the cream pie Mr. Kaplan. The pie misses and takes off Kaplan's toupee and hits skull in the face)
Skull (Played by Jason Narvy): (Yells) Food fight!
(Natalie throws her muffin at Dylan. Dylan dodges the muffin as it hits the door. Then, Bosley opens the door and sees the muffin)
Bosley (Played by Bill Murray): (Points at the muffin) What do you call this?
Dylan Sanders: Chinese fighting muffin.
(Natalie laughs as Alex looks annoyed)
"Oh, hey. A new weapon that I can use on you, Piper." Sean said.
"Oh, really?" Piper asked as she raises her eyebrow and throws a muffin at Sean's head.
"Ow!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Bosley, played by Bill Murray, and trust me he's the best thing about this movie, gives Alex some advice relationships until Charlie calls to give his Angels a new assignment. We learn that a software genius named Knox…
(A clip from Batman is shown)
Alexander Knox (Played by Robert Wuhl): Hello, legs.
Sean: (Narrating) Wrong Knox. We learn that a software genius by the name of Eric Knox, played by Sam Rockwell, has been kidnapped and his revolutionary voice-recognition system that he created has been stolen by bad people.
Alex Munday: (Sees the woman that was left behind) Who's the lady left behind?
Charlie: Vivian Wood, she's the president of Knox Technologies.
Natalie Cook: Oh, she did it.
Vivian Wood (Played by Kelly Lynch): (Closes the door after she enters the agency) I guess we can all go home then.
"Well, that was short and easy. Roll credits then." Sean said.
(We cut to the end credits while the song Independent Women sung by Destiny's Child starts playing)
"No! I'm not gonna do that to you! I'm just kidding. Let's continue, shall we?" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Their client Vivian Wood, played by our good friend Doc from Road House herself Kelly Lynch, is a the president of Knox Technologies and a good friend of Eric Knox. She's hired the Angels to help find Eric Knox. Knox is believed to be kidnapped by the owner of the communications-satellite company called Redstar named Roger Corwin played by Tim Curry. Corwin has a grudge against Knox and in order to get information on Knox, our three private eyes head down to a massage parlor, where he gets his weekly massage, and he's about to be in good capable hands by Alex with a very special massage.
Roger Corwin (Played by Tim Curry): Can we get started this millennium?
Alex Munday: (Runs towards Corwin and yells) Banzai!
(Alex jumps on Corwin's back and stands on it as Corwin groans)
"Yikes, take it easy there, Alex. No need to hurt the man." Sean said.
Alex Munday: (Massages Corwin's back with her feet) You're holding a lot of tension in your 4th and 5th vertebrae.
Roger Corwin: I know.
Alex Munday: Let's see if I can work that out.
(Moves her feet around Corwin's back in a fast pace. Alex moves her foot down to Corwin's face and massages the side of his face with her foot)
Alex Munday: Just by activating the right energy points, you can increase circulation….
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, is it just me or is Tim Curry enjoying that massage way too much?
"I'm not kidding. He's really enjoying that massage. I bet ya he's one of those foot fetish freaks and this is what he was thinking." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Tim Curry) Ohh, those soft soles of hers. Those lovely French tips on her nails. Bring those pretty toes of yours close to my mouth so I can suck on them. Ohhhhh!
Alex Munday: Or even… (Knocks Corwin out with her foot) …render a man unconscious.
"Okay, I'll have what he's having. Except for the knocking out part." Sean said until he ends up feeling an electric shock hitting his body and screams in agony.
"That's what a misogynistic pig would say." Piper said.
"Oh, come on. I didn't say anything dirty. Okay, I was thinking of saying it but I wasn't." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after giving Corwin the massage of his life, they suspect that Corwin is behind Knox's disappearance and that he's got someone else doing his dirty work. And from the footage of Knox's kidnapping and enhancing a reflection from the car window and getting a photo of one of the kidnappers, a creepy Thin Man, played by Crispin Glover…
(A scene from Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter is shown, showing the scene where Crispin Glover's character Jimmy Mortimer is seen dancing to Love Is a Lie by Lion)
"Yeah, that guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they infiltrate a party being held at Corwin's downtown penthouse to search for the suspicious "Thin Man". And they bring Bosley in for the ride as he go undercover as…
Bosley: John David Rage, self-help guru.
Roger Corwin: John David Rage?
"John David Rage? What the hell kind of name is that? Bosley, for the love of God, please don't blow your cover." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While undercover and giving Bosley a drink, Natalie meets a bartender named Pete, played by Luke Wilson…
"God, don't let his acting be bad as his brother Owen's." Sean said.
Pete Komisky (Played by Luke Wilson): That's incredible.
Natalie Cook: What is?
Pete Komisky: Your smile.
"Wow, your smile is beautiful. I'm Luke Wilson. Yeah, nice read there, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With some encouragement from Dylan and Alex, she goes over to Pete to flirt with him. After almost embarrassing herself with some lines because she's being flustered a bit, Alex tells Natalie to do something that will definitely attract a guy.
Alex Munday: Flip your hair.
Natalie Cook: What?
Alex Munday: Flip your goddamn hair.
(Natalie flips her hair and looks at Pete and smiles at her, making him instantly attracted to her)
"That's one way of making a guy instantly into you. I haven't seen anything like that since American Housewife." Sean said.
(A clip from American Housewife is shown, as we see Kathryn flipping her hair to get Greg's attention)
Kathryn (Played by Wendie Malick): Hi, Greg.
Greg Otto (Played by Diedrich Bader): Kathryn, you look refreshed.
Pete Komisky: Excuse me. I'm sorry. I don't usually do this, but I was wondering- Unless you're already seeing someone else.
Natalie Cook: Yeah.
Pete Komisky: Of course you are. Sorry.
"Eh, too bad. There are plenty of fish in the sea." Sean said.
Natalie Cook: No, no, no. I'm not seeing anyone. Free. (Giggles)
"Well, at least she's not seeing Stanley Ipkiss." Sean said, making a reference to The Mask.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Pete asks out Natalie on a date for Thursday night. But wait, where's Bosley.
(We see Bosley and Corwin in sumo suits sumo wrestling in front of a crowd of people)
"Okay, Bill Murray and Tim Curry sumo wrestling in sumo outfits has to be the most hilarious thing to ever be witnessed." Sean laughs.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from what's going on with Bosley, the trio spot the Thin Man and they go after him in an alley. Okay, I'm not gonna lie to you but I find this guy fucking scary when I first watched the movie when I was like nine years old and till this day, I still do. Anyway, we get an awesome chase scene along with a kick-ass fight scene and aside from seeing how creepy the Thin Man is, he is armed with a friggin' sword cane.
(Dylan and Alex kick the Thin Man to the gate. We then see Natalie, Dylan and Alex striking a pose until the Thin Man makes a shriekish battle cry)
"What the hell kind of battle cry is that?" Sean asked, laughing.
(We cut back to the Thin Man's shrieking battle cry)
Sean continues to laugh once more. "God, it sounds like he's having a bad orgasm. Hell, Cobra from G.I. Joe had a better battle cry."
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. This dude happens to be a master of karate and…
(He grabs Dylan by her hair and throws her off of him. We see that he ripped some of her hair and starts sniffing it)
"Ewww! What's with this movie and what's with him? Does he have a strange fetish for women's hair?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So after a few kicks and the movie's iconic slow-mo shot from Natalie when she does a flying kick at the Thin Man, he makes a run for it as our heroes go after him but they end up losing him as check each door and what's behind door number 4?
(Natalie, Dylan and Alex end up finding Knox)
Dylan Sanders: Knox.
"Well, Knox is found. That means that the case is closed…" Sean said.
Charlie: Great work, Angels. But our job's only half-finished. There's still the matter of Mr. Knox's stolen technology.
"Goddamn it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The case isn't finished yet. There's still Knox's stolen technology that needs to be found.
Natalie Cook: All of Redstar's telecommunication satellites have global positioning systems. Combine that with voice identification-
Alex Munday: Redstar can turn any cellphone into a homing device.
Vivian Wood: No one can hide.
"Oh, my God. Turning any cellphone into a homing device and invading people's privacy. Can you imagine someone trying to have phone sex and somebody tracks them down?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (While talking on the phone with Taylor) That's nice, babe. So, what are you wearing? T-shirt and panties. What color? White? Ooh, so innocent yet so naughty.
(We see Brian, Rob, Oliver and Adam dressed as S.W.A.T. officers breaking down Sean's door and surround him with automatic weapons)
Sean: What the hell?
Adam: Freeze, pervert!
Rob: Put the phone down, sicko!
Sean: Dude, I was just having a conversation with my girlfriend!
Oliver: We know what you're doing. We've tracked you down. Arrest him.
(They arrest Sean)
Sean: Oh, come on. That's an invasion of privacy!
Brian: (Slaps Sean in the face) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. Sick bastard. He tries to get himself off from talking dirty to women. What kind of a world are we living in?
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) The Angels learn that Corwin will be at the California Speedway premiering his RedStar racer as they do a little recon by placing a hidden camera on his limo. But they have to do it discreetly as Dylan distracts Corwin's chauffer in a seductive way while Alex places the hidden camera on his briefcase.
Dylan Sanders: (She gets in Corwin's limo. We see that she's revealing a lot of cleavage through her unzipped top) It's, uh, hot out there.
"Oh, snap." Sean said as his eyes widened in surprise.
(The limo driver looks at her)
Dylan Sanders: Whew. It's hot in here too.
Corwin's Driver (Played by Andrew Wilson): Maybe I can make you a little more comfortable just a second.
(Corwin's driver turns on the air conditioning as the cool air hits Dylan as she moans and giggles)
"Oh, God. Movie don't do this to me." Sean pleads. "Please, Sean Jr. can't take much more electric shocks."
Dylan Sanders: (While flirting with the driver) I love cars.
Corwin's Driver: Do you like fast cars?
Dylan Sanders: I like fast everything.
(Dylan licks the steering wheel)
Corwin's Driver: Oh, my God.
"God, I wish I was that steering wheel right now. Dammit!" Sean yelled out.
"Another comment. You know what that means, right?" Piper asked.
"Piper, please. Don't. Anything but that. Just please don't press… AAAAHHHH!" Sean screams as Piper presses the button to give him another electric shock, then cries. "Why are you so mean?!"
Dylan Sanders: Thanks for the ride.
"Oh, you can ride me anytime. AAAAHHHH!" Sean screamed in agony as Piper gives him another shock.
Sean: (Narrating) After placing the hidden camera on Corwin's briefcase, Natalie begins to notice a familiar face who's driving the racecar.
(Love Is a Lie by Lion starts playing as we see the Thin Man holding some of Dylan's hair and rubs it against his face)
"Okay, the Thin Man is creeping me out with his hair fetish." Sean said, looking disturbed.
Sean: (Narrating) After noticing the creepy Thin Man with the hair fetish, Natalie goes after him and they engage in an intense racecar chase on the speedway and off the speedway and on the streets of L.A. It's a chase scene so intense that I think it should have the death toll to it. Then, the chase scene comes to a thrilling climax as Natalie and the Thin Man confront each other on the Vincent Thomas Bridge. Well, we all know what that means.
(A clip from Last Action Hero is shown)
Danny Madigan (Played by Austin, O'Brien): Chicken, it is.
(As Natalie and the Thin Man prepare to drive into each other, a seagull on the middle of the bridge flies away)
"Oh, yeah. You got to make sure that the seagull flies away so it won't get hit. That's another movie cliché." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Natalie and the Thin Man play a little chicken with each other until one of them moves out of the way…
(The Thin Man crashes into Natalie's racecar and flies off of the bridge)
Sean: (Narrating) …or crash into that person and fly off the bridge until you land into the water. Well, he's dead. I'm sure he won't be coming back. Back at the Townsend Agency, the Angels study the layout of RedStar from the hidden camera placed on Corwin's briefcase and getting a glimpse of the mainframe that's hidden behind a door.
Eric Knox (Played by Sam Rockwell): Well, that's where my software would be. But the security looks incredible.
Alex Munday: Yeah, restricted access.
Dylan Sanders: Fingerprint ID.
Natalie Cook: Retinal scanner.
"Well, got a plan? I would love to hear it." Sean said.
Charlie: Angels, break it down.
(We see two directors of Redstar who have access to the mainframe room)
Dylan Sanders: Only two directors of Redstar have access to the mainframe room. In order to get through the security system, they have to synchronize their entrance./A gelatin scanning plate takes exact fingerprints.
"Okay." Sean said, nodding in approval.
Natalie Cook: A laser accurate of .009 millimeters scans the retina.
Alex Munday: The mainframe is accessible only through an airless antechamber…
"Right. An airless antechamber. Wait, let me write this down." Sean said as he grabs his notepad and a pen.
Natalie Cook: There's only one way to get through undetected: be invisible.
"Okay. What about the floorplates? I'm sure that it's rigged with pressure sensitivity. I mean, any contact exceeding the alarm triggers in 25 seconds." Sean said.
Vivian Wood: Sounds impossible.
Natalie Cook: Sounds like fun. (Smiles)
"Fun? Why don't you try breaking into the CIA like Ethan Hunt did in Mission: Impossible. You'll see how fun that'll sound." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) In order to infiltrate Redstar HQ, they have to acquire the fingerprints of Director 1 to replicate a hand and scanning the second director's eye by dressing up as Austrian yodelers and putting a big horn close to Director 2's face. After acquiring the fingerprints and eye scan, the Angels infiltrate Redstar headquarters and…
(We see Alex walking down the office wearing a sexy black leather outfit and she is followed by Dylan and Natalie, who are both dressed as men. All of the nerdy male workers gawk at Alex)
"Well, helloooooo nurse!" Sean said with a smile on his face. "Alex suddenly turned into Asa Akira in a black leather outfit and getting ready to dominate some guy."
"Oh, brother. Comparing Alex to a female pornstar. Are you serious?" Piper asked, crossing her arms at Sean.
"Come on. I know that all men who saw this movie were thinking that. Don't act like it, guys!" Sean exclaimed.
Doris (Played by Melissa McCarthy): You must be Miss Aarons. I'm Doris. I'm sorry for all this confusion. I had you on the schedule for next week instead of this week. I don't know what happened.
Alex Munday: That's what I'm here to figure out.
Doris: You are the efficiency expert, huh?
Alex Munday: Yes. I am.
Doris: Bitch.
Alex Munday: I heard that.
"One more outburst like that again, then you won't make it to Gilmore Girls and Mike & Molly with Katy Mixon." Sean said, imitating Alex.
Sean: (Narrating) While Alex becomes every nerdy guy's wet dream by distracting them Dylan and Natalie head down to the mainframe room. After fooling the security system, Natalie sneaks in, dressed in all-white and plants a device in the central computer that will enable them to have access to Redstar's computer and Bosley has the laptop that as a direct link to Redstar's mainframe. But Knox isn't out of the woods yet and since there are people out there trying to go after him, it's best for someone to play bodyguard. And guess who it is?
We cut to Sean, who has photos of Natalie, Dylan and Alex above him. Then, a photo of Kevin Costner from The Bodyguard pops up with an arrow pointing at him before Sean turns around and noticed the photo.
"What the? No. Wrong guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, Dylan is playing bodyguard for Knox. While checking security at his house on stilts, Dylan begins to notice a photo on Knox's desk.
Dylan: Who's the Green Beret?
Eric Knox: That's my Dad. (Picks up the photo)
Dylan Sanders: That's nice. (Places a bug on Knox's phone)
Eric Knox: And that's the guy who killed him. Yeah, they were in the army intelligence together. This was his best friend. He turned on him.
"Oh, trust me. Get to that part later on in the movie. Just remember the photo because it's going to be very important." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Knox and Dylan start falling in love with each other and yes, because of his sweet pick-up lines involving Shake 'N Bake.
"God, that is some blatant product placement." Sean said, rolling his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) As Knox and Dylan decide to shake up the bedroom, we check on Natalie as we see her out on her date with Pete. So, where is Pete taking her? Maybe somewhere nice like In & Out Burger or taking her out to have drinks or maybe see a movie.
Pete Komisky: I hope you like to dance.
Natalie Cook: Are you kidding? I love to dance.
(A big smile appears on Natalie's face as she sees the Soul Train set)
"Pete's got two tickets to Soul Train and he takes Natalie to Soul Train. Uh, have you ever watched Soul Train?" Sean asked.
Bouncer (Played by Jimmy Calloway): You. You wanna dance on stage?
Natalie Cook: Yes!
"Oh, dear. Natalie, you're white. This is a show that is a staple of Black American institution. It is the brainchild of Don Cornelius. You're going to embarrass yourself." Sean said.
(Natalie gets up on stage as "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot plays and she starts dancing)
"Oh, Christ." Sean looks in horror.
(Natalie continues to dance while the audience just watches and not say anything as we hear the crickets chirping)
"Oh, my God. Oh, sweet baby Jesus. What did you do?" Sean asked.
Pete Komisky: She's pretty great, isn't she?
"Dude, you're in a room filled with black people. My people! The same color as me! I'm black and I'm afraid that they're gonna do something to her. Like kill her! God, just be glad that Don Cornelius isn't watching this. I'm gonna cover my eyes." Sean said as he covers his eyes.
(The audience starts cheering Natalie on as she does the robot and continues to dance while they chant "Go white girl!".)
Sean uncovers his eyes to see what's going on. "Or they can cheer her on. Hey, they actually like her."
Sean: (Narrating) But enough with Natalie. We check with Alex as we see her on a romantic dinner with Jason to talk to him about her real job.
Jason Gibbons: I've been thinking a lot about you and me and, well, us. And I know we have these crazy lives, but I can't help it. I love you./Will you marry me?
"Awe, that's cute. Jason's proposing to Alex. I'm sure nothing bad is going to happen." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(Gunshots are heard as Alex gets shot multiple times in the back)
"Oh, Jesus! I didn't expect one of them to get killed! Damn, this movie got dark." Sean said, looking surprised.
Jason Gibbens: (While holding Alex's corpse) Baby?! God, no. Damn you, Salazar. Damn you, Salazar!
"Wait, huh?" Sean asked looking confused.
Director: Cut!
(Jason drops the actress)
Jason Gibbens: Was that over the top? It felt over the top.
"Oh, Jason was shooting a movie. Wait, where's Alex?" Sean asked.
(We cut to Alex cooking dinner for Jason)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, Alex is cooking up a little romantic dinner for Jason. Okay, that's good. At least nothing bad is happening. Yet. We then cut to a steam room where we see Corwin is taking a little steam the Thin Man, who survived his little swan dive, gives him a little visit.
Roger Corwin: What are you doing here?
(The Thin Man stands in front of Corwin and pulls out his sword. He slashes and kills Corwin)
"Oh, no. If somebody gets killed, then it means that the body count is about to rise." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we have an attempt on Alex's life as armed gunmen start shooting up Jason's trailer. She survives but the meal is ruined. As for Natalie, she gets attacked by the carjacker from Spider-Man in the bathroom, but she ends up kicking his ass and interrogates him to find out who wants her dead.
Natalie Cook: Who sent you?
(She kicks the bathroom thug in the face and puts her foot against his throat)
Natalie Cook: Who?!
Bathroom Thug (Played by Michael Papajohn): Vivian…
Natalie Cook: Spit it out!
Bathroom Thug: Vivian Wood!
(She lets the thug go)
Bathroom Thug: You bitch.
(Natalie kicks the thug in the face, knocking him out)
"Dude, here's the thing: you never, ever call a woman a bitch. Only if she deserves to be called one." Sean said as Piper shocks him, making him scream. "AAAAAHHHHH! You bitch!"
"Excuse me, but women don't like being called "bitches"." Piper said.
"You're being a total bitch right now! AAAHHH!" Sean screamed out again.
Sean: (Narrating) So, it turns out that their client Vivian Wood sent some hired goons to kill them. As intense as this scene is, I enjoyed it but I do have to question a little line from Alex.
Alex Munday: Murphy O'Meyer… that does it.
"What the hell does that even mean? Murphy O'Meyer? What?" Sean asked.
"Actually, Murphy O'Meyer is an alternate word to use if you don't feel like cursing. For example." Piper said as she presses the button to shock Sean.
"AAAAAHHHHH! Murphy O'Meyer!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Dylan, she has sex with Knox and then she gets a phone call from Natalie to warn her about Vivian. So, Dylan warns Knox about Vivian until Maleficent shows up to kill her. But she's not the only one who has the word "Backstabber" tattooed on their forehead. Turns out that Knox is the bad guy.
(Suspenseful music starts playing)
(A clip from Star Trek: First Contact is shown)
Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Played by Patrick Stewart): No! NOOOOOOO!
Eric Knox: (To Dylan) Let me get this straight. You're a woman. Women have natural intuition. And you're a detective. And you have no idea that this was gonna happen?
Vivian Wood: I knew.
Eric Knox: Uh-huh. She knew.
Vivian Wood: And I know what's gonna happen next.
Eric Knox: Tell her, baby.
(Knox kisses Vivian's neck, making her moan)
Vivian Wood: All the Angels are going to heaven.
"All right, so here's the deal: Knox faked his whole kidnapping and pinned it on Corwin. Corwin had nothing to do with this and Redstar was a setup. But why? What's the whole reason behind Knox's plan?" Sean asked.
Eric Knox: Ask your boss.
Dylan Sanders: Charlie? You're after Charlie.
"Uh, why is he after Charlie? Knox, you gotta have a reason to be after a man who we never seen before. What is your beef against a talking voicebox? Charlie could be an alien or something. You could at least just shoot Dylan and be on your way." Sean said.
(Knox shoots Dylan as she goes out the window)
"Jesus! I didn't mean it. Man, this movie definitely got dark." Sean said with a surprised look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, guys. Dylan is fine. And with some impressive use of visual effects, Dylan dodges the bullet as she jumps out the window and hangs onto the bedsheet naked and falls and rolls to the ground. And I love this hilarious exchange between these two kids who are talking about seeing a woman's breasts while playing Final Fantasy VIII on the PS1.
Boy #1 (Played by Gaven E. Lucas): So, what did it look like.
Boy #2 (Played by Michael Barryte): Uh, I don't know. It was, like, all cool and stuff.
Boy #1: You've never seen a booby.
Boy #2: Have too.
Boy #1: Have not.
Boy #2: I've seen lots of boobies.
"Hey, I've seen more boobies than you, ya little pipsqueak." Sean said.
(Dylan, who's naked body is covered by a pool float, as she knocks on the sliding glass door as the two boys notice her)
Dylan Sanders: A little help?
(The two boys look at each other in surprise)
(A clip from Married… With Children is shown)
Al Bundy (Played by Ed O'Neill): (While looking at the nurse's busty cleavage) Oh, wow. Yeah. Nice, white, firm and those babies should last you a lifetime.
Sean feels an electric shock to his testicles once more as Piper presses the button.
"Playing a perverted clip from Married… With Children showing Al looking at a woman's breasts, you deserved to be shocked!" Piper shouted.
"You're not going to break me, Marcy!" Sean shouted.
Sean: (Narrating) Dylan meets up with Natalie and Alex and explains to them what's going on with Knox and him being behind the whole kidnapping setup. Plus, Knox goes that far to blow up the agency. Also, we learn that Knox has kidnapped Bosley and he has Bosley's laptop with him. So, here's the thing and bear with me, this is Knox's plan: Knox used the Angels to tap into Redstar's mainframe to gain control over their global positioning satellites and with his software to match Charlie's voice over the phone and use the satellites to track Charlie down. And the reason why Knox wants Charlie dead is because Knox thinks that Charlie killed his father. And the only person that Charlie can only contact directly is Bosley. So, where is Bosley? He's in a dirty dungeon, trying to get out.
(We see Bosley trying to find his way out of his cell by trying to break the door down)
Bosley: May I have some ice water, please?
"Oh, Bill. I have to say aside from playing Dr. Venkman, this is my other favorite Bill Murray role." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Bosley still has his communication device in his mouth to contact the Angels to try to tell them where he's at.
Bosley: (To a bird) Jack, tell me where I am.
(The bird chirps into Bosley's mouth as Natalie recognizes that sound)
Natalie Cook: Oh!
Dylan Sanders: What?
(Natalie imitates bird chirping)
Natalie Cook: It's a Sitta pygmaea! A pygmy nuthatch! They only live in one place! Carmel!
"Boy, Natalie is so good at recognizing bird sounds, she needs to join Charlotte Wrather's bird calling group." Sean said.
Bosley: I can't tell you anything else, except… this feels like it could be the first day of the last of my life, you know what I mean? Or the last day of the first of my life or something. I think I'm in trouble.
"Oh, well. Bosley will die knowing that he won't be in Garfield for the next four years." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the Angels learn that Bosley is being held at an abandoned lighthouse that's owned by Nick Xero Corporations and Dylan, being the Scrabble freak that she is, recognizes that it's an anagram for Eric Knox. And the best way to get in undetected is by taking the sea approach, so they'll need a boat and Dylan has the perfect person to get them there.
(We cut to the Angels on the boat with Chad taking them and we hear Chad and Dylan singing "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)" by Looking Glass)
"Oh, fucking hell. Not this guy again." Sean said.
Natalie Cook: Hey, Chad. Um, does this thing go any faster? We're kinda in a hurry, and I can really open it up if you wanted me to drive. I can drive, right?
Chad: I'm sorry, friend of Starfish. But there's only one captain of this love boat. That captain is me, the Chad.
"God, I frickin' hate you. Can we skip this guy because he's annoying as hell. Can we get to Knox's grand master plan to kill Charlie and see him dancing to Pharaohe Monarch, please?" Sean asked.
(We see Knox dancing to "Simon Says" by Pharaohe Monarch)
"Thank you. I'm getting sick and tired of seeing Tom Green." Sean said.
Eric Knox: (To Vivian) Revenge is fun.
Sean: (Narrating) The Angels get off of Chad's boat, mostly to get away from his annoying ass and they make it on the island to give us a bit of fan service before the camera teases us by not showing them naked. The three of them split up: Natalie looking for Bosley, Alex tapping the signal from the roof and Dylan going to deal with Knox. Dylan finds Knox but she ends up getting captured. Natalie find Bosley and while trying to get Bosley out, she gets a phone call from Pete, but Knox sends two of his goons to deal with her but she easily takes them out. Back with Knox, he has Dylan tied up to a chair and he gets a phone call from Charlie to track him down. While Alex gets a signal, she has a run-in with the Thin Man, while Natalie…
(Vivian throws an axe at the door as Bosley screams. Natalie turns around and sees Vivian waving at her)
"Oh, snap." Sean said as his eyes widened in surprise.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so we have Tina Carlyle from The Mask versus Doc from Road House. You know what that means? The most hottest catfight ever.
(Vivian and Natalie fight each other before we cut to Alex fighting the Thin Man)
"Hey, back to the catfight! I want to see someone take something off." Sean said.
(Vivian removes her leather jacket)
"Oh, mama." Sean said.
"Don't you dare." Piper warned.
"Despite what you've done to me, I am going to say this one line." Sean said.
"Sean, stop it or I will press this button and leave you in agony all night." Piper said.
"Aha!" Sean exclaimed, pointing at Piper.
"Don't you dare say that line." Piper said.
"If this catfight gets any more hotter, I want to see them scissor each other!" Sean exclaimed.
Piper presses the button and holds it down to shock Sean, making him scream.
"I warned you, didn't I? I told you not to say it and now you're gonna pay!" Piper shouted.
"You were six years old! You were weak and helpless! You cannot hurt me! THERE… ARE… FOUR… LIGHTS!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) So we have two fights going on and trust me, they're awesome to watch. Knox goes after Charlie after he finds his location and he leaves his goons to deal with Dylan, yeah I'm sure that they're gonna be fine…
(Dylan starts beating up on Knox's goons and frees herself)
Dylan Sanders: King Kong palm.
"Worst. Henchmen. Ever. Hey, at least we get that kick-ass line from Drew." Sean said.
Dylan Sanders: (After knocking out the henchmen) And that's kicking your ass.
(Dylan starts moonwalking out of the room as Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" starts playing)
"Okay, that was pretty funny." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dylan joins in on the fun with Natalie and Alex to bring down Vivian and the Tall Man, then Knox shows up in a fucking helicopter to try to blow up the Angels, but he ends up killing Vivian and the Thin Man.
"Oh, I'm sure those two are alright. Well, only one of them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then the film comes to a thrilling climax as Natalie, Dylan and Alex go after Knox to stop him from assassinating Charlie. Alex tries to reprogram the missile while Dylan gives Knox a beatdown. Alex successfully reprograms the missile and our Angels jump out of the helicopter. As for Knox….
(We freeze on Knox as the screen turns black and white)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) It was at that moment that Knox knew, he fucked up.
(The missile blows up the helicopter and kills Knox)
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Knox is dead and Charlie is safe and Natalie, Dylan, Alex and Bosley relax on a beach drinking their drinks. He congratulates the Angels on a job well done and we learn that Knox's father was undercover and he was killed. Not by Charlie but by the other side. We get a little glimpse of Charlie. Come on, movie. At least show us, Charlie. They toast to Charlie and they all live happily ever after. Let's hope that they show Charlie in the sequel.
"And that was Charlie's Angels and yes, I enjoyed that movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) With some awesome action set pieces that are enjoyable to watch and the humor is pretty funny as well. Had some funny moments. It's a guilty pleasure to watch. The music was pretty excellent. Edward Shearmur, who composed the music for the Diary of a Wimpy Kid movies, did a pretty good job with this movie. McG did a pretty good job at directing this movie, not bad for directing his first movie. This movie does have some questionable moments and the acting was not bad. Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu were fabulous, Bill Murray as Bosley was hilarious, Sam Rockwell played an awesome villain, Crispin Glover does his damndest to creep you out and he does a good job at that as the Thin Man and Tom Green, even though I harp on him, he does his best to be weird. If you're a fan of the TV show, check it out. Best film adaptation ever. Charlie's Angels gets four Thin Man swords out of five.
"Alright, I've finished reviewing the movie. And you're done torturing me and Sean Jr.! I had enough punishment from you." Sean said.
"Are you sure? How am I not convinced?" Piper asked.
"Don't you dare press that button. Elizabeth Banks will do an awesome job as well as McG and I'm sure her take on Charlie's Angels will be awesome as well. Isn't that convincing you enough, you psycho?!" Sean exclaimed.
"Fine, I'm convinced. You're good… for now." Piper said as she leaves Sean's house.
"Geez. That's all the time we have. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he ends his review.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- (The Thin Man screams like a banshee)
And that's all for The Mayhem Critic's review of Charlie's Angels. I hope you enjoyed reading it. Next time, Sean starts his second annual Halloween Havoc. He kicks it off by reviewing Child's Play, the 1988 version. Here's the list of movies for Halloween Havoc:
Child's Play (1988)
Psycho III (1986)
Scream (1996)
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)
Stephen King's It (the 1990 miniseries)
Hope you're excited for those. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for Halloween Havoc. Till next time, my fellow readers.