The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Last time on Halloween Havoc, Sean reviewed the 1996 movie Scream and had an encounter with Ghostface. Today, Halloween Havoc continues as Sean and his friend Brian review Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Yep, it's a return of one of the best slasher movie villains ever. Is this return worth it or is it just a horrible Halloween sequel? Well, let's not waste any time. Pop yourself some popcorn and grab yourself a cold one. Here's the new hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is owned by Anchor Bay Entertainment and Trancas International Films, Inc.
Episode Seventy-Two
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
(The Halloween Havoc intro starts in the form of the Stranger Things intro)
We see our favorite critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in the living room and checking his schedule on his tablet to see what's next on his agenda.
"Hmm, let's see what's on the agenda for today. Hmm, breakfast, grocery shopping, hit the gym, lunch, football game, watch the new episode of General Hospital, work on the script for the next episode, dinner, sex with Taylor and go to bed. Alright, looks like I've got a full day…" Sean looks at his front door opening, then he sees a hand holding a kitchen knife sticking out of the door, his eyes widened in shock as he gets ready to pull out his gun.
"Hey, Sean. Do you want some brownies for today's review?" Brian asked.
"Aaaah!" Sean screamed.
"Come on, I'm gonna cut you a brownie while they're still hot." Brian said while cutting into the brownies.
"Are you nuts, Brian?! I almost shot you. Don't do that ever again." Sean said.
"Sorry, dude. Didn't mean to scare you." Brian apologized.
Then all of a sudden, Dave enters Sean's house screaming and brandishing a chainsaw while wearing a hockey mask.
"Hey, Sean! Do you want to see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?!" Dave asked.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Sean and Brian both screamed.
"Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?" Dave asked as he turns the chainsaw off and removes his hockey mask.
"Jesus. Anyway, what are you doing here?" Sean asked Brian.
"I came to share my brownies with you. Oh and also, do you know what time it is?" Brian asked.
"It's Howdy Doody time?" Sean asked as Brian gave him a look.
"What? No, not that. It's time to review another Halloween movie for Halloween Havoc." Brian said.
"Oh, no. The last time I reviewed a Halloween movie for Halloween Havoc I was drunk out of my mind. I'm sorry, dude but I want to stay sober and keep my brain cells intact." Sean said.
"Oh. Well, okay. Geez, I guess I'll have to go to the Nostalgia Critic so he can review Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers with me." Brian said as he gets depressed.
Sean looks up in surprise after hearing his friend mention Halloween 4. "Halloween 4? Did you just say Halloween 4?"
"Yeah." Brian said.
"Okay, you're staying here. Sit your ass down on the couch and let's review this sucker." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers" is shown as well as clips from the movie while the "Halloween" theme starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers was released in theaters on October 21, 1988. I consider this one to be the best in all of the Halloween sequels and one of my favorite sequels ever. But let's face it, guys. It's still a Halloween sequel! There's going to be some goofy moments in it. We can't pretend that it's going to be perfect.
Brian: (Narrating) A little backstory on Halloween 4, right after John Carpenter and Debra Hill gave up ownership of the Halloween franchise for obvious reasons. Blame Halloween III: Season of the Witch. (A photo of the late Moustapha Akkad is shown) Executive producer Moustapha Akkad gained full rights to the franchise. He wanted to move further with the series. His first order of business is to bring Michael Myers back after the third filmed bombed.
Sean: (Narrating) A new Halloween film would not come out for another six years. And in those six years, Jamie Lee Curtis jumped ship and made a name for herself with films like Trading Places and A Fish Called Wanda, therefore she did not wish to come back for the next installment. So, she went the same route as Sarah Connor in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, killed off-screen. Oh, joy.
Brian: (Narrating) So, no Jamie Lee Curtis. The movie needs a new protagonist. And thus, Laurie Strode's daughter Jamie Lloyd was born. Many young child actresses auditioned for the role of Jamie Lloyd until it came down to two child actresses, Danielle Harris and Melissa Joan Hart.
"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked.
"I'm not kidding." Brian said.
"Sabrina the Teenage Witch?" Sean asked.
"Yep." Brian nodded.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Harris was given the lead role. Dwight H. Little, who directed episodes of Freddy's Nightmares and a movie called Bloodstone, was assigned to direct the movie and Alan B. McElroy was hired to write the script, a script that he worked on under eleven days because the writer's strike was going on back in 1988. So, that was a movie that barely got made but hey, it did. And this is all coming from the same guy who wrote Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and the film adaptation of the movie Tekken, which was also directed by Dwight H. Little.
"So hey, let's see Michael Myers return for Halloween. This is Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers." Sean said.
(The movie starts)
Brian: (Narrating) Our story begins ten years after the first film. We open on a farm that's fully decorated and I have to say that this is one of the best Halloween openings ever.
Sean: (Narrating) Seeing this decorated farm area really sets the tone. Seeing the skeletons, the scarecrows, the ghosts, the witches. It's all set on a fall setting to set the mood of the film.
"Hmm, if only I can make it better. Oh! I know." Sean said as he presses play on his remote.
(The song "This Is Halloween" from The Nightmare Before Christmas plays during the opening credits)
Brian: (Narrating) We then cut to a dark, stormy night where we see two paramedics, played by the late David Jensen and Nancy Borgenicht respectively, arriving at the Ridgemont Federal Sanitarium to pick up Michael's body, where they're escorted by a security guard, played by Raymond O'Connor.
Security Guard (Played by Raymond O'Connor): Yeah. First time here, huh?
Female Attendant (Played by Nancy Borgenicht): Hope it's the last time.
Security Guard: You never get used to the faces. Never.
"Really, dude? Are you going to keep saying random cliched lines?" Brian asked.
(A man screams as the male attendant get startled)
Male Attendant (Played by the late David Jensen): Jesus.
Security Guard: Jesus ain't got nothing to do with this place.
"Shut up, dude." Sean said.
Security Guard: Yeah. This is where society dumps its worst nightmares.
"Shut… up." Brian growled.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, the security guard starts dumping some exposition on the paramedics as he tells them what happened on the night Michael came home.
Security Guard: Yeah, a decade ago, Halloween night, he murdered 16 people, maybe more, trying to get to his sister. Nearly got her, too. But his doctor, of all people, shot him six times.
"Oh, for Christ's sake. Seven times! He shot the fucker seven times! Not six, SEVEN!" Sean yelled out.
Security Guard: Then he set him on fire. Both of them nearly burned to death. Yeah, I'll be glad to see this one gone. Yes, indeedy.
(The elevator stops on the floor that they're arriving to)
Security Guard: (Pushes the gate open) Welcome to hell.
(A clip from Futurama is shown)
Bender (Voiced by John DiMaggio): Shut the hell up!
Brian: (Narrating) So yeah. It turns out that Michael survived that explosion in the hospital back in the second film. Aside from him getting shot in the eyes, blown up and on fire, they say screw that, just give him minor burns and put him in a coma. Oh, yeah. This time, Michael Myers is played by George P. Wilbur. Well, Michael wrapped in bandages is played by Tom Morga. We see that the paramedics are transferring Michael back to Smith's Grove Sanitarium considering the fact that Dr. Loomis is not here to protest and Dr. Hoffman, played by the late Michael Pataki, does not want to put up with any of his shit.
Dr. Hoffman (Played by the late Michael Pataki): Fortunately, his position is more ceremonial than medical. And with Myers gone, my hope is that he'll either transfer, retire... or die.
"Wait, Dr. Loomis is alive as well?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Halloween II is shown)
Dr. Sam Loomis (Played by the late Donald Pleasence): It's time, Michael.
(Dr. Loomis flicks the lighter, causing the gas-filled room to explode)
"Yeah, I call bullshit on that one. How can you survive an explosion? We saw those two clearly die. What is this, Dragon Ball Z? But hey, if Michael can survive an explosion, then I won't bitch about Dr. Loomis surviving an explosion as well." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the paramedics prepare to move him and we get to hear that kick-ass Halloween theme.
(The Halloween theme plays as the paramedics move Michael into the ambulance)
"Oh, hell. I'm gonna have to do this. Hit it!" Sean said as he snaps his fingers.
We cut to Michael Myers dancing to the Halloween theme from Halloween II.
Brian: (Narrating) Everything seems normal, until the female paramedic has to open her big mouth.
Female Attendant: Did Hoffman say anything about living relatives?
Male Attendant: Yeah. A niece living in his hometown.
Sean: (Narrating) After they mention that he has a niece living in Haddonfield, this some how wakes Michael up from his coma and go on a rampage.
Male Attendant: You know, I still don't understand...
(Michael wakes up from his coma and bashes the male attendant's head against the wall while the female attendant watches and screams. Michael then jams his thumb through the male attendant's skull, killing him)
"Turns out that Michael has super strength after waking up from his coma." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) After Michael kills the paramedic in a brutal fashion, we cut to the niece in question, Jamie Lloyd played by Danielle Harris, as we see her staring out the window, while her sister, I mean foster sister Rachel played by Ellie Cornell, checks on her to see why she's still awake.
Jamie Lloyd (Played by Danielle Harris): Do you love me Rachel?
Rachel Carruthers (Played by Ellie Cornell): (Groans) Serious questions tonight. Of course I love you.
Jamie Lloyd: Like a sister?
Rachel Carruthers: Jamie, sometimes...
Jamie Lloyd: Like a real sister?
Rachel Carruthers: We're not really sisters, Jamie. But that doesn't mean that I love you any less.
(We see that the ambulance is gone)
Jamie Lloyd: Sure it does.
"Look, Jamie. I love you. It's your bitchy attitude that I don't care for." Sean said, imitating Rachel.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rachel takes Jamie back to her room to get some sleep and then Jamie notices that her bedroom window is open, so she closes it. And then, she's starts dealing with the cheap off-screen death of her mother after seeing a photo of her.
(Jamie looks at a photo of her mother, Laurie Strode, and starts crying)
"Damn you Trading Places. Damn you, A Fish Called Wanda!" Sean exclaimed.
"Hey! A Fish Called Wanda was pretty good and I happen to love that movie." Brian said.
Jamie Lloyd: (Prays) Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul will take.
"Hush little baby, don't say a word. And never mind that noise you heard." Sean sings.
"It's just the beasts under your bed." Brian sang.
"In your closet, in your head!" Sean and Brian both sang as Metallica's Enter Sandman starts playing.
"And cue the nightmares." Brian said.
(Michael grabs Jamie from underneath her bed and tries to pull her. Jamie breaks free from Michael's grasp and runs towards the door. While trying to open the door, Jamie turns around and sees Michael)
"Whoa, freeze right there." Sean said.
(The movie pauses on Michael)
Sean: (Narrating) Wow, is it just me or does the mask look ugly as sin to you. I mean, look at it. The face is too white and the hair is slicked back instead of it being messy. But on a positive note, because of how white the mask is, you don't see Michael's eyes.
(A clip from Halloween is shown)
Dr. Sam Loomis: The blackest eyes. The devil's eyes.
Brian: (Narrating) So, it turns out that Jamie's been having nightmares about her uncle, fearing that he will eventually come to get her and kill her.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the next day, which is...
(We see the caption "Haddonfield, Illinois October 31, 1988" on the screen)
"Look, movie. No need to let us know that this is Haddonfield and that it's October 31. Don't be like Halloween III: Season of the Witch." Sean said as the Silver Shamrock song starts playing. "OH GOD! NOT THIS SONG! PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP!"
Sean: (Narrating) The movie kindly let's us know that this is Halloween. We see the Carruthers family and we're introduced to Rachel's parents, Darlene played by Karen Alston and Richard played by Jeff Olson respectively. They couldn't get a babysitter for Jamie tonight because the babysitter who's supposed to be watching Jamie broke her ankle on the ice rink. So, they turn to Rachel to watch her, but Rachel's got plans tonight. She's got a date with her boyfriend Brady.
Rachel Carruthers: Can't you find somebody else?
Darlene Carruthers (Played by Karen Alston): It's too late.
Rachel Carruthers: What am I supposed to tell Brady? "Sorry, but I've gotta babysit my foster sister. Go and have fun by yourself."
"No, but you can tell Brady that you're busy killing zombies. And yes, I know that Ellie Cornell played Officer Casper in House of the Dead. That's why I had to make that reference." Sean said as a photo of Ellie Cornell as Officer Casper from House of the Dead pops up.
Darlene Carruthers: It's not exactly the end of the world, for goodness' sakes.
Rachel Carruthers: Sure, it is. I think tonight Brady was ready to make a commitment. But now my future relationship, my engagement, my marriage, my children, and your grandchildren have all been wiped out because I have to babysit. Oh, joy.
Jamie Lloyd: I'm sorry I ruined everything. If I wasn't here, you could go out.
(Jamie walks away as Rachel groans)
Richard Carruthers (Played by Jeff Olson): Good job, Rachel. That little girl needs all the love we can give her right now. All you can do is think about yourself?
(A clip from Mean Girls is shown)
Janis Ian (Played by Lizzy Caplan): You are a mean girl! You're a bitch!
"Great job, Rachel. Way to hurt your foster sister. Bitch." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, Rachel apologizes to Jamie and she makes it up to her by going trick-or-treating tonight. But Jamie is not in the mood to celebrate Halloween. So, instead of trick-or-treating Rachel decides to pick up Jamie after school so they can go get ice cream. Meanwhile, we see that Dr. Loomis, still played by the baddest pimp that ever lived Donald Pleasence, wasn't even informed about the transfer of Michael Myers. So he goes to berate Dr. Hoffman for his stupidity. Oh, also we see that Dr. Loomis has some minor burns and he's walking with a limp. I guess the explosion knocked him to the next room.
Dr. Sam Loomis (Played by the late Donald Pleasence): (After he enters Dr. Hoffman's office) Why wasn't I notified?
Dr. Hoffman: About what?
Dr. Sam Loomis: You know damn well about what. You let them take it out of here.
Dr. Hoffman: For Christ's sake, spare me the speech. I've listened to it for a decade.
"Hey, screw you asshole. When Dr. Loomis makes a bad-ass speech, you keep your friggin' mouth shut and you listen to him. That's the rules." Sean points out.
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Loomis tries to get the facts through Dr. Hoffman's head that Michael is no ordinary federal prisoner that they're dealing with, they're dealing with evil with two legs and then we get one of Dr. Loomis' awesome speeches.
Dr. Sam Loomis: Do you know what today is? Do you know the date? Every day I look at myself in the mirror and every day I remember. Look at me, Hoffman. (Shows Hoffman his scars) Take a good look. I don't want anyone to have to live through that night again.
Dr. Hoffman: I said this before, I think you're the one who need mental help.
"I'm sure Loomis has heard that from other people." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) But then Hoffman gets a phone call, informing him about an accident involving a certain patient. So, Loomis and Hoffman head down to where the accident is at. But Loomis Michael senses are tingling because Michael has killed the paramedics and has escaped.
Dr. Hoffman: Even if by some miracle Michael is conscious, his- his muscles will be totally useless. Give the troopers a chance to search.
Dr. Sam Loomis: You're talking about him as if he were a human being. That part of him died years ago.
"Hoffman, don't you know who you're dealing with here. Michael Myers is out there. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop... ever, until you are dead!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Loomis heads down to Haddonfield to go after Michael. And speaking of Michael, he's stopped at an auto shop and brings the body count up by killing a mechanic and stealing his boiler suit. Then, Loomis arrives to go get some gas for the car and ends up finding the mechanic's corpse and a dead woman behind the counter as well and the phones destroyed too. With his trusty pistol ready, he comes across Michael.
Dr. Sam Loomis: (To Michael) Why now? You've waited 10 years. I knew this day would come. Don't go to Haddonfield. If you want another victim, take me. But leave those people in peace. Please.
"You know, I like this scene. I like the fact that Loomis is willing to sacrifice himself to Michael just to save the people of Haddonfield. He's not afraid to die... yet." Brian said.
"In fact, he's willing to die to protect the town." Sean said.
Dr. Sam Loomis: Michael. God damn you.
(He shoots at Michael but doesn't hit him, we see that Michael is gone)
"Uh, is Dr. Loomis losing his mind or does Michael have teleportation powers?" Sean asked.
Brian: (Narrating) But Michael is still there but not long enough as he drives off to Haddonfield and cause an explosion.
(Michael drives off, hitting a gas tank which causes it to explode as well as Dr. Loomis' car)
Sean: (V/O as Dr. Loomis as he jumps over the barrels and trash cans) Stunt double powers, activate!
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Jamie, we see that the asshole kids in her school tease her about her family history and the fact that her mother is dead.
Children: Bogeyman. Bogeyman. Jamie's uncle's the bogeyman.
Girl (Played by Stephanie Dees): How come your mommy didn't make you a costume, Jamie?
Boy #1: How could she? Her mommy's dead.
Boy #2: Jamie's mommy's a mummy.
Jamie Lloyd: Stop it! Okay? Stop it!
Children: Jamie's an orphan. Jamie's an orphan. Jamie's an orphan.
Jamie Loyd: Stop it! Please! Stop it!
"Jesus Christ, these kids are brutal! No wonder she's so fucked up because of asshole children teasing her about her serial killer uncle and her dead mother. It's just like..." Sean said as Dave and Adam enter the house.
"Hey, Sean. How come your daddy didn't make you a Halloween costume?" Dave asked.
"That's because Sean's dad ran out on him. He's fatherless." Adam laughed as well as Dave.
"So, who cares about my dad? He's an asshole." Sean said.
Dave and Adam both stared at each other for a bit until Adam smacks Dave in the back of his head.
"I told you that wouldn't work!" Adam shouted before he left the room.
"We should've went went the dead grandmother angle." Dave said.
"Oy. Fuckin' idiots." Sean muttered under his breath.
Brian: (Narrating) Jamie runs out of the school in tears and she assures herself that she's okay until Rachel picks her up along with her friend Lindsay, played by Leslie L. Rohland. Jamie wants to go trick-or-treating as a big fuck you to those little bastards.
Lindsay (Played by Leslie L. Rohland): Do I drop you at the Discount Mart or the Dairy Queen?
Rachel Carruthers: Jamie?
Jamie Lloyd: Discount Mart. Can we get ice cream after?
"Hey, at least she's getting ice cream at Dairy Queen after, so that's a definite go fuck yourselves to those kids that teased her." Brian said as he eats an Oreo Blizzard.
(A Dairy Queen commercial from 1995 is shown)
Singers: (As the Dairy Queen logo appears) Hot eats. Cool treats. We treat you right!
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Discount Mart, we're introduced to Rachel's boyfriend Brady, played by Sasha Jenson. Brady bets his friend Wade, played by Richard Stay, to go talk to this buxom blonde named Kelly, played by Kathleen Kinmont.
"Who you might recognize her as the ex-wife of Lorenzo Lamas." Sean said.
"Who?" Brian asked.
"Lorenzo Lamas. He's one of the video action stars of the 80s and 90s. Snake Eater 1-3." Sean said.
"Doesn't ring a bell." Brian said.
"He did a couple of movies and shows with his former wife Kathleen Kinmont. Like the TV show Renegade, the movies CIA Code Name: Alexa, CIA 2: Target Alexa, Final Impact. They were married from 1989 to 1993." Sean said as Brian stayed silent. "Oh, for the love of... am I the only one who knows who Lorenzo Lamas is?! Jesus!"
Brian: (Narrating) Well, let's see how Wade doing by asking out Kelly...
Kelly Meeker (Played by Kathleen Kinmont): Fuck off, Wade.
"Well, that could've gone better." Brian said.
"I still can't believe that you don't know who Lorenzo Lamas is." Sean said.
"Oh, God." Brian said, making a facepalm.
Sean: (Narrating) Rachel and Jamie arrive at the Discount Mart and while Jamie is looking for a costume, Rachel makes out with Brady for a bit before breaking the news to him about cancelling plans with him.
Brady (Played by Sasha Jenson): (Sighs) When did you find this out?
Rachel Carruthers: This morning.
Brady: You found out this morning? Why didn't you tell me before? I mean, it's 5:00 now, Rachel. Shit.
Rachel Carruthers: Don't get angry.
Brady: I'm not angry. It's just—
(Brady looks at Kelly for a bit. Kelly looks at Brady for a bit right when Brady goes back to talking to Rachel)
Brady: Can I come over after Jamie goes to sleep?
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Go back." Sean said.
(We cut back to Brady side-staring Kelly)
"Okay, he took that pretty well. Mostly because he has plans with this bimbo because he made a side-stare at her for 8 seconds and Rachel didn't even notice. Rachel, you're my favorite character and all but..." Sean said.
(A clip from Rocko's Modern Life is shown)
Nuclear Swan Fan (Voiced by Tom Kenny): Wow, you're an idiot.
"I wouldn't last two seconds staring at an attractive girl without my girlfriend getting pissed at me." Sean said.
"Sasha Jenson. Heard he was in Dazed and Confused." Brian said.
"Oh, so you've heard of Sasha Jenson but not Lorenzo Lamas?" Sean asked.
"Give me a break, here!" Brian exclaimed.
Brian: (Narrating) Over on the other side of the store, Jamie finds the perfect costume, which is ironically a clown costume that's very similar to the one that Michael wore when he killed his sister in the first film. And this causes her to have more visions of Michael and freak out.
(Jamie turns around after bumping into Michael and sees him putting on his mask and screams. She backs into a mirror, causing it to break)
"Oh, she bumped into a mirror. That's seven years of bad luck for ya." Sean said.
Rachel Carruthers: Jamie, what happened?
Jamie Lloyd: It was the nightmare man.
Rachel Carruthers: What?
Jamie Lloyd: He's coming to get me, Rachel.
Rachel Carruthers: You're okay. You probably saw a mask and it scared you. At least you're not cut. Come on. Let's go home.
Brady: She gonna be okay?
Rachel Carruthers: She'll be fine.
"Yeah, aside from having hallucinations about my killer uncle and screaming until I backed away into a mirror without getting hurt. I'm fine. Can I still go get some ice cream?" Sean asked, imitating Jamie.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis is trying to get a ride to Haddonfield. A group of teens try to pick him up but they end up pranking him. Way to treat Dr. Loomis with some respect. But then Loomis manages hitch a ride with Rev. Jackson P. Sayer, played by the late Carmen Filpi. And this is where the film manages to get smart and this is one of the scenes of the film that I like.
Rev. Jackson P. Sayer (Played by Carmen Filpi): You're hunting it, ain't ya? Yeah. You're hunting it, all right. Just like me.
Dr. Sam Loomis: What are you hunting, Mr. Sayer?
Rev. Jackson P. Sayer: Apocalypse, end of the world, Armageddon. It's always got a face and a name.
"And by that, he's talking about Donald Trump." Brian said.
Rev. Jackson P. Sayer: I've been hunting the bastard for 30 years, give or take. Come close a time or two. Too damn close. You can't kill damnation, mister. It don't die like a man dies.
Dr. Sam Loomis: I know that, Mr. Sayer.
Rev. Jackson P. Sayer: Oh, you're a pilgrim, all right. I saw it on your face back there in the dust. I saw it clear as breast and blue suede shoes.
"Okay, I think that old man needs to lay off the liquor." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I love the fact that the Reverend and Dr. Loomis share something similar, hunting evil in their own ways and it's nice to see Dr. Loomis listening to someone who's doing all the talking, it's just a great scene.
Brian: (Narrating) We cut back to Rachel and Jamie as we see Rachel's parents getting ready to go out while Jamie gets ready to go trick-or-treating. As Rachel and Jamie leave the house, Michael heads upstairs to Jamie's room and picks up a photo of his sister Laurie and looking at pictures of his niece. Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis arrives in Haddonfield and he stops at the Sheriff's office to convince the police that Michael has returned.
Dr. Sam Loomis: I need to speak with Sheriff Brackett.
Deputy Pierce (Played by Michael Flynn): Well, then you'll have to travel about 3,000 miles south of here.
Dr. Sam Loomis: What?
Deputy Pierce: Bracket retired back in '81. He moved to St. Petersburg.
"He heard how stupid the plot twist to Halloween II was and he heard about how stupid Halloween III was." Brian said, imitating Deputy Pierce.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to the new sheriff of the town, Sheriff Ben Meeker played by Beau Starr...
(A clip from Dumb and Dumber is shown)
Lloyd (Played by Jim Carrey) Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
(Lloyd screeches as Harry joins in to make a weird noise, which irritates Mental)
Joe Mentalino (Played by Mike Starr) Guys! Guys! Guys!
"Wrong guy. That's his younger brother Mike Starr. That's Beau Starr, who did this movie." Sean said.
(A clip from Goodfellas is shown. We see a scene where Henry's father, played by Beau Starr, beating Henry with a belt)
"Yeah, Beau Starr played Henry's abusive father in Goodfellas." Sean said.
Dr. Sam Loomis: Michael Myers has escaped from Ridgemont. He's here in Haddonfield.
Sheriff Ben Meeker (Played by Beau Starr): That's impossible. Michael Myers is an invalid.
Dr. Sam Loomis: He's here, Sheriff.
Sheriff Ben Meeker: Why?
Dr. Sam Loomis: 10 years ago, he tried to kill Laurie Strode. Now, he wants her daughter.
Sheriff Ben Meeker: Are you talking about Jamie Lloyd?
"Uh, Dr. Loomis. Instead of talking in a calm tone and maybe just kinda raise your voice a little to get those guys into action." Brian said.
Dr. Sam Loomis: (Raises his voice) Six bodies, Sheriff! That's what I've seen between here and Ridgemont!
"There we go. That's how you do it." Brian said.
Dr. Sam Loomis: A filling station in flames! I tell you MIchael Myers is here in this town! He's here to kill that little girl and anybody who gets in his way!
Sheriff Ben Meeker: All right, Pierce. Call the troopers and check his story out. Assuming what you say is true—
Dr. Sam Loomis: It's true, Sheriff.
Sheriff Ben Meeker: All right, all right. It is true. What the hell can we do to avoid a repeat of 10 years ago.
"Ah, good question. I have a list right here." Sean said as he pulls out a lists and puts his glasses on before reading what's on the list. "Avoid stupid soap opera plots twists, always listen to what Dr. Loomis says, make sure that the murders have purpose this time and avoid that stupid song. That about covers it."
Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, Rachel and Jamie are enjoying a night of trick-or-treating better than Max and Dani from Hocus Pocus, where they come across some familiar faces.
Kelly Meeker: Hi, Rachel.
Rachel Carruthers: Hi.
Kelly Meeker: (Hands out candy) Here you go, little monster.
(Rachel sees that Brady is in Kelly's house and walks away)
Brady: Rachel. Rachel?
Kelly Meeker: Brady.
Brady: Just a second.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(Music from The Brady Bunch theme starts playing as photos of Brian as Brady, Taylor as Rachel and Cheryl as Kelly are shown)
Sean: (Sings) Here's a story of a man named Brady who was macking on two very lovely girls. His girlfriend found out that her friend was pantless, and now he's all alone.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) After Rachel gets pissed off at Brady for macking on Kelly, she loses track of Jamie and goes looking for her. Great job, Rachel. Anyway, the police's response to Loomis's warnings about Michael Myers results in a broadcast informing all citizens to return to their homes and stay inside but you have a bar filled with drunken hillbillies don't take no for an answer. So, they head down to the sheriff's office for some answers.
Brian: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis and Sheriff Meeker arrive at the Carruthers house, only to find that Michael was there.
(Loomis and Meeker find the dog Sundae, lying dead on the floor)
Sheriff Ben Meeker: This is starting to spook me, Doc.
Dr. Sam Loomis: At least I'm not alone.
"Jesus, Michael. Stop killing dogs! What? Did a dog kill your sister? Oh, wait. No, you killed your sister!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Michael is out making sure that things get dark and spooky the only way he knows how, by taking out the power grid the old-fashioned way.
(Michael throws the electrician to the power grid, causing the man to get electrocuted)
"Hey, I think that dude was in for a shock." Sean said as the audience and Brian boos at him from his bad pun. "What? What? What?"
Brian: (Narrating) This causes the power to go out. Rachel has a hard time looking for Jamie. Hell, Jamie was left behind by the group of trick-or-treaters. Does this town have any responsible adults? But fortunately, Rachel finds her and not only did she find Jamie, Loomis and Sheriff Meeker found them and they've come to save them. That is until Michael Myers shows up, along with...
(Sheriff Meeker sees Michael Myers)
Sheriff Ben Meeker: Loomis.
(Loomis sees another person dressed as Michael Myers, then another person dressed as Michael Myers shows up)
Sheriff Ben Meeker: Oh, Christ. Doc.
"Uh, what the hell is going on here?" Brian asked.
"Did Michael Myers just clone himself and created an army?
Sean: (Narrating) But it turns out to be a prank by some rotten teens. Anyway, Meeker and Loomis head down to the police station to find that some of Meeker's men are dead at the hands of Michael. Oh, remember those drunken rednecks? Well, they finally show up at the police station and they demand to know what the hell is going on here.
Man: What the hell did this?
Earl (Played by Gene Ross): Looks like to me you're out of business. Now I want some answers.
Sheriff Ben Meeker: I haven't got the time or the patience to argue with you. Now go home to your families where you belong!
Man: You forget who's paying your salary, Sheriff.
Dr. Sam Loomis: It was Michael Myers. He's come home to kill.
Sheriff Ben Meeker: Let it be, Earl. Let the police handle it.
"Riiiiight, you did so well the last time." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) We learn that one of the men had a son who was killed by Michael. We don't find out who it was, though.
Big Al (Played by Michael Ruud): We're gonna fry his ass. (Cocks shotgun)
Sheriff Ben Meeker: You stupid son of a bitch. You just created a lynch mob.
Dr. Sam Loomis: You haven't got a police force! These men may be the only defense you've got.
"Uh, yeah. How long until this plan backfires?" Sean asked.
(We cut to the drunken hillbillies shooting at something, thinking that it's Michael Myers)
Unger (Played by the late Logan Field): Shit, Earl. It's Ted Hollister.
(We see a caption on the screen that says "1 minute 30 seconds")
Earl: (To Orrin) You dumb son of a bitch. You said you saw Myers.
"Goddamn it! You killed Ted Hollister! Do you even know who he was? That was Ben Tramer's cousin, you stupid bastard!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) After seeing the stupidity of drunken rednecks, we cut to the most important part of a slasher movie... teens having sex!
(We see Kelly and Brady having sex)
Kelly Meeker: Let's go upstairs.
Brady: No. I think we're doing just fine right here.
"Okay, for an impressively edited sex scene, they don't show any nudity because the camera always cuts away before we see Kathleen Kinmont's breasts. I have no need to add the censor bar. But if you want me to... here's her sex scene with Lorenzo Lamas in CIA Code Name: Alexa!" Sean said with a smile on his face.
(A clip from CIA Code Name: Alexa is shown as we see the characters Alexa, played by Kathleen Kinmont, and Mark Graver, played by Lorenzo Lamas, having sex. We see a censor bar covering parts of Alexa's body)
"Hey, if you want to see Kathleen Kinmont naked, look it up on Google." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) But Kelly's quest for Brady's Vitamin D get interrupted when her dad comes home and it just so happens that her father is the sheriff. So, yeah. Brady is a dead man. And instead of keeping Rachel and Jamie at the station since it was wrecked, they'll be safe with the Meeker family where Brady just so happens to be there, which will make things awkward between Rachel, Brady and Kelly.
Sheriff Ben Meeker: (To Brady) Oh, yeah. I catch you groping my daughter, I'll use that shotgun on you. You understand?
"Ouch. No need to piss of your new girlfriend's father, even if he is the sheriff." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then, things slow down for a bit. You have a killer running loose around the town, it's time to kick back, relax and take a breather. But hey, they got an old battery-powered radio so that Sheriff Meeker uses it to contact the state police in an attempt to get some help. Meanwhile on The Young and the Restless, Rachel and Kelly are in the kitchen together and they start talking about Brady.
Kelly Meeker: I didn't know you and Brady had anything, okay?
Rachel Carruthers: You knew. You just didn't care.
Kelly Meeker: He's not married. Besides, I've got a right to do what's best for me.
Rachel Carruthers: Don't you mean what you do best?
Kelly Meeker: Wise up to what men want, Rachel. Or Brady won't be the last man you lose to another woman.
Rachel Carruthers: (Throws coffee on Kelly's shirt) Have some coffee.
(A clip from Friends is shown)
Rachel Green (Played by Jennifer Aniston): Horny bitch.
"What she said." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Well, Sheriff Meeker heads out to stop the drunken redneck's rampage before they end up getting somebody killed, leaving Rachel, Jamie and the rest in his house so they can just wait to get killed.
(Kelly sees Deputy Logan's corpse as Michael gets up from off of the chair, then kills Kelly by impaling her in the stomach with it)
"A shotgun, really?" Sean asked.
"Michael, I know that you want to be creative with your kills but shotguns are extreme close range weapons. You could just shoot her." Brian said.
"Although, I have to say that this is the best kill throughout this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rachel hears that help is on the way, so she heads down to let Deputy Logan know, only to find that Deputy Logan and Kelly are both very, very dead. So, she panics and she tries to look for Jamie. But then Brady's dumbass shows up to save the day as that idiot tries to get the door open with a shotgun by shooting at it.
Brady: It's metal. Goddamn it, It's metal.
Rachel Carruthers: What does that mean?
"It means that you're both fucked." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) Rachel does find Jamie, and Brady tries to make up for what hedid by trying to hold Michael off long enough so they can get away.
(Brady fights off Michael by hitting him with the shotgun. Michael then grabs the shotgun and hits Brady in the face with it and drops the shotgun over the railing)
Rachel Carruthers: Brady!
Jamie Lloyd: Rachel, come on!
(Brady punches Michael in the face as Michael grabs Brady's fist, breaking it and picks him up by his head and kills him)
(A clip from Knightmare is shown)
Treguard: Ooh, nasty.
Sean: (Narrating) After Michael kills Brady, Rachel and Jamie head upstairs to the attic and escaping onto the roof themselves. Which is the not-so-safe approach.
(Rachel and Jamie slide down the roof until Rachel grabs a hold onto something to keep them from falling)
Rachel Carruthers: Grab on, Jamie.
(Jamie grabs on to Rachel)
Rachel Carruthers: Grab on.
"And now for another Interesting Factoid. While filming the rooftop chase, Rachel's portrayer Ellie Cornell was injured by a protruding nail as she slid down the roof. After a quick trip to the hospital, she finished the scene with her bandages in place. That didn't even faze her. Wow, what a trooper. Ellie, you toughed it out. You deserve a gold star." Sean said.
"Yup, that's dedication." Brian said.
Brian: (Narrating) But Michael manages to catch up to them as he makes it up to the roof to kill them. And when Sean means by the not-so-safe approach, Rachel falls off the roof. Don't worry, she's not dead. She's just knocked out unconscious. Michael goes after Jamie until Dr. Loomis finds her. So, they both head down to the school and set off the alarms so the sheriff can arrive. Alright, hopefully they'll be safe.
(Michael comes up from behind Loomis and grabs him)
"Aaah! Blonde hair. It's Ben Tramer!" Sean yelled out after he spots Michael Myers having blonde hair.
Brian: (V/O as Michael Myers) That's for getting me killed, you old bastard!
(Michael throws Loomis into a door)
Sean: (Narrating) Jamie makes a run for it, then rolls down the stairs like a cartoon character and just when Michael's about to kill her, Rachel comes in to kick some ass with a fire extinguisher.
(Rachel sprays Michael in the face with the fire extinguisher)
Brian: (V/O as Michael Myers) My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
Brian: (Narrating) Anyway, the drunken redneck posse arrive at the school after hearing the alarm and hearing that Michael is in there. Well, guess leave it for the rednecks to kill him.
Earl: Screw it. Let's get out of here.
"Or act like a bunch of complete pussies." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Rachel and Jamie are driven out of Haddonfield. Luckily, they run into the state police to warn them about the Michael Myers situation, the situation that is underneath their noses because... well...
(The movie pauses and goes black and white as we see Michael climbing on to the back of the pickup truck)
Sean: (V/O as a hillbilly) Yahoo! It was at that moment that these drunken redneck knew that they done fucked up. Hot Sally Mally!
(The movie plays and switches back to color as Michael kills the men on the back of the truck, then kills Earl by ripping open his neck)
(Rachel takes the wheel and throws Michael off the truck)
"Apparently, she does." Sean said.
Brian: (Narrating) Rachel manages to throw Michael off of the truck, then runs the fucker over, sending him flying into a ditch. After that intense sequence, Sheriff Meeker, the lynch mob and the state police arrive as Jamie touches Michael's hand, then this happens.
(Michael rises back up)
Sheriff Ben Meeker: Get down!
(Jamie gets down on the ground as Sheriff Meeker and the lynch mob gun down Michael. We intercut to a scene from Mask of the Phantasm where we see a S.W.A.T. Officer of the GCPD shooting at Batman before switching over to a clip of Raiders of the Lost Ark where we see Indiana Jones shooting before switching over Die Hard where we see John McClane running and yelling as he starts shooting, then we cut back to the movie where we see Michael getting shot before he falls down a mine shaft)
"So shooting him six times and blowing him up and burning him to death doesn't work. So, shooting him with six hundred times so he falls into a big hole will do the trick." Brian said.
Dr. Sam Loomis: Michael Myers is in hell. Buried. Where he belongs.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, guess you can call it happy ending. Michael Myers is dead and burning in hell once and for...
(We cut to someone's P.O.V.)
Sean: (Narrating) What the fucktopus?
"Who's P.O.V. are we seeing?" Sean asked.
(In someone's P.O.V., we see Darlene running a bath for Jamie before we cut to her screaming)
Brian: (Narrating) What's happening?
(Loomis runs upstairs and stares in horror)
Dr. Sam Loomis: Oh, no.
Sean: (Narrating) Will somebody please tell us what the hell is going on here?!
Dr. Sam Loomis: (Sees Jamie holding a pair of scissors and dressed in her clown costume) No!
We cut back to Sean and Brian who both looked shocked at what's going on.
"F-f-f-f-fuck!" Sean shouted.
"Holy shit!" Brian shouted as well.
Dr. Sam Loomis: (Pulls out his gun) No! No! No! No! No! No!
(Dr. Loomis, Sheriff Meeker, Richard and Rachel watch in horror, realizing that Jamie is following her uncle's footsteps)
"I have seen some crazy shit in my day but that... was... awesome!" Sean said with a smile on his face.
(Clips from the film are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Good heavenly Christ! This film had the perfect ending. Not only that it involves the corruption of a small child that we've grown to love throughout the movie, it caught us off-guard. See, when the original came out, it proved a point to you letting us know that true evil never dies.
Brian: (Narrating) When Jamie touched Michael's hand, the evil was passed down to her. That is one of the best endings the film series could ever have.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, on the movie, what an improvement. Even though it got negative reviews from critics, the movie gained a cult following. With Halloween III being so out there with it's weird shit, Halloween 4 brought back Michael Myers, it brought back the town of Haddonfield, it brought the Myers bloodline back and it brought the clown costume back.
Brian: (Narrating) It had a few interesting ideas to explore but it's just playing it safe with the film series returning to its roots. Anyway, on the acting, the performances of Donald Pleasence, Ellie Cornell and Danielle Harris were pretty good and the music was good as well.
Sean: (Narrating) It's got some great kills and some great suspense. This was an awesome return of a great slasher villain. Halloween 4 is still my favorite Halloween sequel. Hell, I find it better than Halloween II. Halloween 4 comes in at 4 armed drunken rednecks out of 5.
"You know, for a setup like this, they can make a sequel with Jamie as the killer. Hell, the fifth one has Jamie as the killer. With Michael Myers dead, I'm sure that the movie is going to be great." Sean said with a smile on his face.
"Uh, dude. I got some bad news." Brian said.
"What is it?" Sean asked.
(The trailer for Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers is shown)
Announcer: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers.
Sean stays silent with a look of rage on his face. "Brian, could you excuse me for a moment?"
Brian quickly gets up from off of the couch and runs to the other room as Sean gets up.
"Fffffffu..." Sean screamed out as we hear the sound of an organ playing, censoring him.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Welcome to hell.
And that's all for The Mayhem Critic's review of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and what did you think of the review and also if you saw the movie, did you think it was a better Halloween sequel. But Halloween Havoc isn't over as Sean tackles the fifth installment in the Halloween franchise. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, this time Michael Myers is back with a vengeance… and a garbage sequel and an annoying-as-hell character. Be afraid, folks. Be very afraid. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you want to help me out with funny ideas for reviews, feel free to message me. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.