The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Hey, guess what? It's time for another Commercials special for The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean and his friend Lucas take a look at some of the greatest nostalgic commercials ever in Commercials III: Revenge of the Commercials. So, sit back, relax and grab a cold soda and let's take a look at some commercials in the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources.
Episode Seventy-Five
Commercials III: Revenge of the Commercials
We open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch and wearing his "Cap'n Crunch" T-shirt while flipping TV channels and eating some cheddar popcorn before starting his introduction.
"Hey gang! Guess what? I got a little surprise for you. And since you can tell from me trying to contain my excitement, it must be time to take a look at some more nostalgic commercials!" Sean said with a smile on his face.
(We see clips of various nostalgic commercials playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, some of the commercials from the 80s and 90s are back. Oh, what a joy to take a look back these little nuggets of pure commercialism. I love it, I love it, (imitates Wheezie from Dragon Tales) loooooooooooooove it!
"And you know what? I'm not going to do this one alone. He co-reviewed Mortal Kombat, Eight Crazy Nights and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation with me and this year he co-hosted Commercials II with me. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my buddy UltimateWarriorFan4Ever!" Sean said.
We now then see Lucas, a.k.a. UltimateWarriorFan4Ever appear alongside Sean on the couch, only this time wearing an Ed, Edd n Eddy t-shirt with Monty Python pajama pants.
"Lemme tell ya something, it feels pretty damn good to be here to do Commercials III with my best broski of mine," Lucas said as he held up a bottle of Philadelphia Brewing Company's Joe Coffee Porter in hand, "I'll tell ya, we've saw a whole lotta phone sex, drugs, super soakers, wrestling buddies beating up cops, pop tarts, and big brother getting his shit kicked out by a hammer thrower in the second Commercials special. I can't wait to see what kind of cool crap we picked out for the third one."
"And we're gonna take a look at them again. Since the first special was called "The Phantom Menace" and another one was called "Attack of the Commercials", this one I'm gonna call it… "Revenge of the Commercials." Roll those beautiful commercials!" Sean exclaimed as picks up the remote control to start the intro.
(We see an ABC Saturday Morning bumper featuring What-a-Mess the dog from 1994, a Fox Kids Network bumper featuring Dynamo Duck from 1992, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, a CBS Saturday Morning bumper featuring Felix the Cat and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988 are shown)
(TV static transitions to: Campbell's Home Cookin' soups commercial featuring the voice of Jimmy Stewart)
Man on Television: Everybody loves it. And with this miracle device, you can make home cooked soup in just two hours.
Old Man (Voiced by the late Jimmy Stewart): (Holding a can opener) Gee, with this miracle device I can make home cookin' soup in two minutes.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you remember back in the 80s and 90s Campbells made Home Cookin' soup? It's a soup that tastes like homemade soup.
"If I want home cookin' soup, I'd rather have homemade soup made by my mom." Sean said.
"Yeah, I don't know how Campbell's passes this shit off as 'home-cooking'." Lucas replied, making quotation marks at the end of the sentence with his fingers.
Charlie: (Eating soup) It's good.
Stan: It's real good.
Old Man: It's Home Cookin' soup.
Fred: It's not hot enough.
Sean: (Narrating) You have this old man voiced by the late great Jimmy Stewart offering people some Home Cookin' soup and he uses the soup to solve a problem. Like if his granddaughter is having some boy trouble.
Granddaughter: Men can be so stupid!
Old Man: Yeah, uh, well say how about some Campbell's Home Cookin' soup?
Granddaughter: Grandpa, chicken soup can't fix everything.
Old Man: No, you gotta have some tomatoes and celery and carrots too.
"You gotta have some of this soup. It's pretty good. You have some delicious broth and some tomatoes and celery and some carrots and white meat chicken and tender noodles. Did I mention that this soup is Home Cookin'?" Sean asked, imitating Jimmy Stewart.
"That depends, you actually cook it yourself?" Lucas said, imitating the granddaughter.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, Home Cookin' soup helps keep kids from running away from home.
Old Man: (Sees his grandson getting ready to run away from home) Are you running away, huh?
Grandson: Yep.
Old Man: Tired of getting bossed around. Boy, I envy you. All by yourself, sleeping in the snow, eating pine cones…
Grandson: (Sees the bowl of soup) What's that, grandpa?
Old Man: Campbell's Home Cookin' soup.
Grandson: Home Cookin'?
Sean: (V/O as Jimmy Stewart) I made it myself.
Lucas: (V/O as Grandson) Oh boy, what's in it?
Sean: (V/O as Jimmy Stewart) It has chicken, carrots and some big noodles.
Lucas: (V/O as Grandson) FUCK YEAH, GIMME SOME!
"Yeah, I know the kid doesn't really say that," Lucas shrugged, "I just wanted to add my own appeal to it."
"You know it makes me think of something. Can you imagine that guy trying to use Home Cookin' soup to solve a dangerous situation? And I mean a really dangerous situation." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Lucas entering the house armed with an Uzi while the old man is cooking soup)
Sean: (V/O as Jimmy Stewart) Uh, what's going on here, young man?
"I'm running away, and nothing else is gonna stop me, ya old fuck." Lucas muttered a bit lowly.
Sean: (V/O) Oh, that's too bad. How about some Home Cookin' soup?
"What the hell is that crap made of?!" Lucas raised his eyebrow.
Sean: (V/O) Well, it's chicken noodle. You have fresh cut celery, tomatoes, carrots and chicken and some tender noodles in a delicious broth.
Lucas suddenly ponders about this all of a sudden, forcing himself to raise an eyebrow to himself.
"Well, I was gonna shoot inside a McDonalds," Lucas replied before walking back to the table, "But screw that, gimme some soup!"
He then put his uzi on the table before grabbing a spoon to sip himself some soup. Sean then tries to reach for the Uzi before Lucas snatches it away at the last second.
"But I'm keeping the Uzi!" Lucas shouted.
Sean: (V/O) Oh, dammit!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) It's the best tasting soup that solves any problem with the guy from Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo to help you out.
Announcer: The name is Home Cookin' and so is the taste. From Campbell's.
(TV static transition to: 7-Eleven commercial circa 2002 featuring former WWE wrestler Rob Van Dam)
(We see a blonde-haired teenager with a blue shirt walk toward a 7-Eleven Slurpee machine and grab an empty cup featuring The Rock before filling it with an grape-flavored slushie.)
Sean: *Narrating* Well, this is nice. A 7-Eleven commercial for once.
Lucas: *Narrating* I wonder what would make this day any—
(Both Sean and Lucas get cut off immediately once they see Rob Van Dam pop-up in the commercial walking up to the kid.)
"HOLY SHIT, IT'S ROB VAN MOTHERFUCKIN' DAM!" Lucas pointed to the screen, accidentally knocking Sean's beer in the process.
"Ah, damn it, that was a cold one too!" Sean said, whining about his fallen beer.
Lucas: *Narrating* For all of you hardcore wrestling fanatics out there, we got ourselves a 7-Eleven commercial promoting WWE collector cups, and who shows up? Well, none other than current Impact Wrestling superstar and the Whole F'N Show himself, Rob Van Dam!
"And if the rest of you non-wrestling fans out there don't have a single clue who Rob Van Dam is, well… this small little montage right here will tell you why." Lucas said, gesturing to the camera.
(Clips of Rob Van Dam's wrestling matches is shown, with the first one showing a clip of ECW Hardcore Heaven '97 where Rob Van Dam hits his famous Van Daminator spin kick to the steel chair and right through Al Snow's face. The second one shown next comes from ECW Heat Wave '98 in which both Rob Van Dam and Sabu are doing a splash/leg drop combination to both Hayabusa and Jinsei Shinsaki on two tables. Next up, a clip of WWE RAW is shown from 2001 in which RVD does his Van Daminator spin kick to the steel chair and through Big Show's face after blasting him with a fire extinguisher. Another clip is shown, this time showing Rob Van Dam doing his famous Five Star Frog Splash on top of a ladder and onto Finlay at WrestleMania 22. And the final clip that is shown from that montage takes place in 2010 on an episode of TNA iMPACT where Rob Van Dam does his Five Star Frog Splash on the top rope to AJ Styles. All while "One of a Kind" by Breaking Point is playing in the background.)
Sean immediately saw this montage go down and felt his jaw slack in surprise and amazement as a result.
"Damn." Sean nodded, "Can't believe I missed out on so much wrestling."
Lucas then smirked as he said to Sean, "Then you should totally check out All Elite Wrestling. I heard that's the real shit."
7-Eleven Announcer: *Narrating* Hurry in to 7-Eleven for cool Slurpee drinks in three WWE collector cups featuring The Rock, The Hardy Boyz and Rob Van Dam
(Rob Van Dam walks up to the teenager and grabs his drink.)
Rob Van Dam: Hey, great Slurpee *throws cup away* Wrong cup.
(Rob Van Dam then pulls out a WWE collector cup of himself.)
Rob Van Dam: Why don't you try this one?
"Um, I'm pretty sure he wanted The Rock, Rob." Sean nodded, "Yikes, when did Rob Van Dam become an asshole in this commercial?"
Lucas then shrugged as he said, "I wouldn't know, dude. He's just RVD being RVD."
Blonde-haired Teen: Sorry, RVD, but I really wanted The Rock cup.
Rob Van Dam: Ohh, too bad.
(Rob Van Dam then shoves the teen from behind.)
Rob Van Dam: Here ya go.
"Okay, whoever asked Rob Van Dam to act like a prick in this commercial?" Sean shrugged, "Can you imagine going to your local 7-Eleven and seeing Rob Van Dam forcing you to buy something you don't really want?"
"I can totally imagine what that would've been like." Lucas smirked as both he and Sean pondered.
(The scene switches to the 7-Eleven commercial in which we see Sean dressing up as the blonde-haired teenager with the blue shirt. He grabs a bag of delicious Flamin' Hot Doritos when all of a sudden, Brian approaches him dressing up like Rob Van Dam. Sean turns to him and becomes shocked at his appearance.)
"Holy crap!" Sean said before gasping, "You're… you're Rob Van Dam!"
"Hey, nice Flamin' Hot Doritos." Brian smirked as he grabbed the bag from Sean's hand.
And then, he proceeded to throw it away leaving Sean shocked and disappointed.
"Wrong bag," Brian smirked before pulling out a bag of weed, "Why don't you try this?"
"Sorry, but I really wanted that bag of Flamin' Hot Doritos." Sean replied.
Brian then smirked all before shoving the bag of weed into Sean's chest and shouting, "WELL TOUGH SHIT, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GETTING NOW, MOTHER FUCKER!"
And then, he shoves Sean from behind, therefore ending the cutaway gag.
(The scene switches back to Sean and Lucas in which Sean looks a little bothered while Lucas is busy drinking a green slushie in a big 7-Eleven cup.)
"Yeah, I'm never going to 7-Eleven again." Sean shook his head.
After sipping his slurpee, Lucas replied with a smirk, "Tough shame. Because this ganja slurpee is sooooooooo out of this world. I heard Rob Van Dam is endorsing the drink himself."
Hearing this coming from Lucas, Sean nodded as he replied, "Ok, scratch that, I'm never going to 7-Eleven with Rob Van Dam again. Even if it is the first time."
7-Eleven Announcer: *Narrating* Drink Coca-Cola Classic or the new Bruisin' Berry in WWE collector cups. Collect all three.
(Rob Van Dam starts leaning his elbow on the blonde-haired teenager as he looks towards the camera.)
Rob Van Dam: Or collect… just… one.
7-Eleven Announcer: *Narrating* Oh thank heaven.
(Rob Van Dam starts passing out his collector cups to a passing line of customers. The blonde-haired teenager starts drinking his slurpee with the Rob Van Dam collector cup and starts to like it.)
Rob Van Dam: Hey, RVD Slurpee Cup. Check it out, that's me on there.
"Screw you, RVD! You ruined 7-Eleven for me!" Sean yelled to the camera.
(TV static transitions to: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier VHS commercial)
(The commercial starts as we see a man running up to a counter in a video store)
Man: Hey, do you guys have any Star Trek V tapes left?
We cut back to Sean and Lucas, who are both looking confused.
"Uh, what?" Sean asked.
Black Woman: (Comes up to the counter and starts tapping her finger on it) Where is the Star Trek V video?
"Bitch! Don't give me a fucking attitude, this is Star Trek V you're talking about!" Sean exclaimed.
"Yeah, are you on crack, lady?!" Lucas said to the camera as if he was talking to the woman himself.
Old Man: You got Star Trek V?
Younger Man Wearing a Star Trek V T-Shirt: (Making a Spock hand gesture) The Final Frontier?
"Okay, is everyone in that video store on crack? It's Star Trek friggin' V." Sean said.
"Yeah, it's the best fifth sequel and the best use of V since Rocky V." Lucas replied.
Another Woman: Pleeeeeese?
Two Women: Any Star Trek Vs?
(We see the customers given a copy of the movie)
Black Man: (Taking a copy) Ooh, thank you.
Man with Coat Over His Shoulder: (Takes a copy) Great.
"Do you stupid idiots know that this is Star Trek V? Star Trek V, the one written and directed by William Shatner who shat all over the film?" Sean asked.
"I swear, this must be like the first Star Trek film that was ever made to them." Lucas shook his head, "Did they mention the fact that there were like six other Star Trek films made as well that they didn't know?"
Another Woman: (Taking a copy) Thanks.
Another Man: (Taking a copy as well) Fabulous.
Teenage Boy: (Taking a copy too) Yes!
"Helloooooooo?! Star Trek V?! The one where they go looking for God?! The one where Uhura does a naked fan dance that will probably scar people for life. Did I mention that Shatner wrote this?" Sean asked. "God it's just like people who are excited for Batman & Robin. Yeah, I'm sure that these people are on crack when William Shatner put a cat lady with three tits in it."
Lucas then smirked as he said, "And to think Total Recall did it first."
Woman With a Baby: (Takes a copy) Oh, thank goodness.
"Thank goodness I grabbed myself a copy. It's perfect for the kids at home just to shut them up." Sean said, imitating the mother.
(We see Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, played by James Doohan, beams down to the counter)
Scotty (Played by the late James Doohan): Would you happen to have Star Trek V left?
"Oh, great! You shoehorn Jimmy Doohan to be in the commercial? He survived getting shot six times in World War II for being in this commercial?" Sean asked.
"Yeah, even 50 Cent could say the same thing about having to survive with nine gunshots!" Lucas exclaimed as well.
Cashier: Yes, sir.
Scotty: (Holds up the VHS for the movie) Star Trek V: The Final Frontier…
(The cover is shown in close-up with the tagline "Beaming Down December 21st")
Scotty: …So tell your dealer you want to see it!
"Yeah, let everybody know that the worst Star Trek movie in the world is the biggest hit in the world! Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell your parents. Tell them all!" Sean yelled out. "Boy, how desperate are they to advertise this movie?"
"Tell my dealer I want to see it, huh? Trust me, the only dealer those people need is a drug dealer because they are completely hopped up!" Lucas yelled out as well.
Scotty: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier…
"You know, the one where they find God, Kirk, Spock and McCoy were singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" by the campfire, Kirk fights a three-titted cat lady and Uhura does a naked fan dance. Oh, Jesus! Get this movie away from me!" Sean yelled as he throws his DVD copy of Star Trek V away.
However, it wouldn't be long before Lucas brought out a ray gun from his pocket and blasted the Star Trek V movie to dust.
"There, now it's dead just like that stupid 'Khaaaaaan' gag." Lucas nodded before putting the ray gun away.
Sean: (Narrating) It's one of those commercials that are so bad, its good and that you can't help but laugh.
"Hell, Cinemassacre made fun of the commercial on an episode of Rental Reviews." Sean said.
(A clip from Cinemassacre's Rental Reviews is shown)
Erin: Do you have Star Trek V?
James Rolfe: I'm sorry, I just got rid of my last copy.
Scotty: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. So tell your dealer you want to see it!
(Captain James T. Kirk appears in the top-left corner)
Captain James T. Kirk (Played by William Shatner): Forgive you? I ought to knock you on your goddamn ass.
(TV static transitions to: Franco-American Sonic the Hedgehog pasta from 1995)
(We see a teen named Sean playing Sonic and Knuckles on his Sega Genesis)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, hell yeah. Now we're talking. This is the most iconic Sonic food promotion ever. We see this kid named Sean… (A picture of Sean the Mayhem Critic is shown) No, not me. I was like three years old back in 1995. This is a different Sean. Anyway, we see this kid named Sean playing Sonic the Hedgehog.
"Even though clearly we see him playing Mushroom Hill Zone from Sonic and Knuckles and that they're playing the music from Chemical Plant Zone from Sonic the Hedgehog 2." Sean pointed out.
"Shouldn't that kid be playing that game instead if that was the case?" Lucas suggested first-hand.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that his mother is trying to get his attention with a can of Sonic the Hedgehog pasta.
Mother: Sean. Sean.
(Sean is still playing his video game)
Mother: Lunch!
(She tosses the can to Sean)
"Jesus, lady. No need to yell at the kid for lunch. Was she possessed by Gilbert Gottfried?" Sean asked.
"Don't know," Lucas shrugged, "Maybe it's Regan from The Exorcist."
Sean: (V/O as Regan from The Exorcist) Lunch! Come and get it, you worthless prick!
(The can comes flying right towards Sean while he's still playing the video game)
"Uh, dude. The can's coming right at you. I suggest that you turn around before it takes your head off." Sean said.
(The can keeps flying right towards him until Sean catches it)
Sean: Food.
"Okay, for a gamer, Sean has some insane reflexes and skills in playing Sonic." Sean said.
"Yeah, those Naruto skills are paying off." Lucas nodded.
(Sean sticks the can of Sonic the Hedgehog pasta in his Sega Genesis)
Announcer: Sonic the Hedgehog pasta from Franco-American.
"Apparently, Sega Genesis created a Sega pasta add-on that turns your game into food." Sean said.
"Imagine putting a can of Chunky Soup into your Super Nintendo and see how that goes?" Lucas replied.
(The television screen turns into Sonic the Hedgehog pasta as Sean starts sucking it up. He licks his lips after eating the pasta)
Sean: (Smiles) Good.
"Okay, now I know where Emperor Palpatine gets his inspiration to say "Good" from, he gets it from this kid." Sean said.
Sean: Good.
(A clip from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is shown)
Emperor Palpatine (Played by Ian McDiarmid): Good.
"Okay, they have to bring this pasta back." Sean said. "When the Sonic the Hedgehog movie comes out in theaters in 2020, they need to bring this pasta back. Better make it the Sonic Mania pasta with Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Ray, Mighty, Dr. Eggman and the Heavy King shaped pasta. Now, that would be awesome."
"Well Sean, speaking of games and food though…" Lucas smirked, "I got something that also combines those two together."
"Well, let's see it!" Sean exclaimed before Lucas grabbed the remote and changed the scenes.
(TV static transitions to: NFL Blitz commercial circa 1998)
(We see a darkened, yet lit room of football players sitting on a table, eating a bowl of rusty nails for breakfast.)
Narrator: Blitz players don't pump iron. They have it for breakfast.
"Well, I didn't know Brutal Chex existed in the 90's." Sean nodded, referring to the gag made in the Angry Video Game Nerd's Chex Quest episode, "That was really one hardcore decade."
Sean: *Narrating* Okay, what you're seeing right here is a video game promoting the hard-hitting NFL Blitz from the folks down at Midway.
(Clips of NFL Blitz gameplay starts playing out while Lucas starts narrating.)
Lucas: *Narrating* In the 90's, Midway was the undisputing king of arcade games, no doubt about it. They made such insane classics such as NBA Jam, Total Carnage, T2: The Arcade Game, Rampage World Tour, WWF WrestleMania: The Arcade Game and let's not forget the middle-finger to fighting games everywhere, Mortal Kombat! In this commercial promoting Blitz, we see various football players eating what seems to be rusty nails and whatnot.
"Because trust me, those tough guys alone look like they could be guests down at the Salty Spitoon." Lucas replied, making a SpongeBob SquarePants reference.
"Except the only problem is that they ate nails for breakfast WITH milk on them." Sean replied to Lucas.
(We see more various football players eating a rusty chain like spaghetti, razor saws and broken bottle glass.)
"Yikes, their mouths are gonna bleed if they're gonna keep eating crap like that." Sean gulped in disbelief.
Lucas nodded as he said, "Well, if they do, then expect them to shit out a whole lot of rust later on."
(The scene switches away to gameplay shown from NFL Blitz, with players passing the ball and tackling each other non-stop.)
Narrator: There they're long-range passing, linebackers without conscience, and the biggest, baddest most brutal players to ever walk the Earth.
"And not to mention muscles that would make Hulk Hogan wince like a total wuss." Lucas nodded.
Sean then said with bulging eyes, "And did we mention those hard fucking hits? Yikes, I never seen this much action since Kenzie Taylor in that Captain Marvel XXX parody. Or better yet, the sex night I had with Taylor last week."
"Ah, me and Oliver remember that fondly." Lucas nodded as he pondered to that moment.
(The scene switches to Sean and Taylor's bedroom in which Oliver is also shown in there with a camera in hand, filming Sean who is in bed and dressed like a Cincinatti Bengals player but is wearing boxers instead of usual football pants.)
"Is the camera rolling?" Sean said to Oliver.
Oliver nodded as he said, "Yeah, it's rolling. Go on."
"Okay, baby! I'm ready for the big game!" Sean smirked, turning his head to the bedroom door.
The door then opens, revealing Sean's girlfriend Taylor dressed up as a San Francisco 49ers football player, leaving Sean to be a little disappointed.
"Hey baby," Taylor smirked, "You ready for kickoff?"
Sean uttered out upsettingly, "Hey, w-w-w-what happened to that cheerleader outfit I gave ya?"
"HUT HUT!" Taylor said as she tackled Sean onto the bed, NFL Blitz-style.
(The scene switches back to Sean and Lucas, leaving Sean cringing on the inside.)
"Yeah, don't remind me of that," Sean shook his head, "My groin is still hurt from all that tackling Taylor did."
"I'll say," Lucas chuckled, "She hits a whole lot better than Lawrence Taylor did."
Announcer: NFL Blitz…
(A fellow football player, whose name is Montez, starts choking on something, forcing another football player, whose name is Stewart, to pound on his back. From there, a big ball of hard rust pukes onto the plate.)
Stewart: *to Montez* Montez, chew your food.
Announcer: No refs. No rules. No mercy.
(TV static transitions to: The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening rap commercial)
(Rap music starts playing)
Rapper: Down with Zelda from the very start. I got the heart it's smart to play the part. Down with Zelda!
"Really?" Sean asked, raising an eyebrow. "Are we giving The Legend of Zelda, the mythical tale about a young boy saving a beautiful princess from an evil demonic pig man, a rap song?"
Rapper: Creepin' through with an overhead view because a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
"Okay, this guy and Shaquille O'Neal need to do a rap battle. I want to see that happening. What about you?" Sean asked Lucas.
"Not also I would see it, but I would promote the hell out of it." Lucas nodded, "Budweiser would jump at this shit at half the minute."
Rapper: Creepin' through with an overhead view because a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
(We then cut to the "(I Know I Got) Skillz" music video by Shaquille O'Neal)
Shaquille O'Neal: (Rapping) You want to fight? Come fight me. I'll fight you with the "wa psh psh psh" see see.
(We cut back to "The Legend of Zelda" rap commercial)
Rapper: ...because the power's in my head and the power's in my hand.
(We cut back to the "(I Know I Got) Skillz" music video)
Shaquille O'Neal: (Rapping) I dribble rhymes like Basketball-ems, people call me E.T.,
Chorus: What's that Shaq man?
Shaquille O'Neal: Extra-Tallems.
Lucas then shook his head and said, "Nah, doesn't really ring a bell."
Rapper: So I stay on track collect the fact, never cut slack and I always watch my back got Jack. Down with Zelda!
(We cut back to the "(I Know I Got) Skillz" music video)
Shaquille O'Neal: (Rapping) I know I got skills man.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, the idea of giving The Legend of Zelda a rap seems to silly. Well, maybe it's because it's a commercial from the 90s.
"Hell, you think that Japan would be more dignified with their Legend of Zelda commercial?" Sean asked before sipping his bottle of Budweiser.
(We cut to a Japanese commercial advertising "The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past". The commercial is set to a rap tune as well, as we see Link and other characters dance together)
We cut back to Sean and Lucas as Lucas looks in disbelief and Sean does a spit take from seeing the commercial.
(We see Link, Zelda and other characters going up against a giant Ganon and they start dancing)
"Boy, I haven't been shocked and appalled since the time I watched the Legend of Zelda cartoon." Sean said.
(A clip from The Legend of Zelda is shown)
Link (Voiced by Jonathan Potts): Well, excuse me, princess!
"Oh, shut up, Link!" Sean yelled out.
"Yeah, what he said." Lucas nodded to the camera, "Yikes, when did cartoon Link be like Lemongrab from Adventure Time?"
(TV static transitions to: Sonic Drive-In "Jenna Might Like Them" commercial circa 2014)
(We see an image of an entire Sonic Drive-In restaurant before switching over to two unknown guys inside a car, played by both T.J. Jagodowski and Peter Grosz as they're eating Sonic's Boneless Chicken Wings)
Guy #1 (played by Peter Grosz): Man, these Boneless Chicken Wings are great.
Guy #2 (played by T.J. Jagodowski): Yeah, I know. I finally found myself a wingman.
"Oh great, these guys…" Sean rolled his eyes in annoyance.
Sean: *Narrating* Do I really have to explain this recurring scene? Of course, the rest of you watching oughta know this right now. It's the famous "Two Guys" ad from the Sonic Drive-In restaurants. And it always shows these two middle-aged men chatting in the car while they're busy eating something that's made new from Sonic. Look, don't get me wrong, the food is delicious, the shakes are frickin' excellent, but trust me, this commercial gets overused waaaaaay too much.
Lucas and Sean were now shown eating Sonic's Boneless Chicken Wings while having a tough time talking with their mouth full at the same time.
"We ain't gonna lie, we had a hard time picking out one of these, so we just had to go at random just for the hell of it." Lucas nodded before looking at his wings, "Okay, this could use some ranch right about now."
"Same here, the ranch is to just die for." Sean said, craving more of the boneless wings.
Lucas: *Narrating* Anyway, here they are promoting the Boneless Chicken Wings straight from 2014.
Guy 1: You're gonna use the wing as your wingman?
Guy 2: Yeah, for the ladies.
Guy 1: How is that gonna help you at all?
Guy 2: It's gonna make me irresistable!
"Says the guy who looks too much like the LJN Defender." Lucas smirked with his mouth full right as a picture of the LJN Defender/Cygnus Destroyer popped up between Sean and Lucas, "I mean, trust me, how is some chick gonna get turned on by some dude with wings?"
"I tried doing that once, and you know what happened, I got kicked in the fucking junk and had a chili-cheese coney splattered in my face!" Sean cried out in anger, "Guy in the left, you can bite my Burger King-loving ass!"
Once he finished that statement, Sean took another bite of his buffalo-coated boneless chicken wing.
"Although these frickin' wings are still damn delicious." Sean said with his mouth full.
Guy 1: Oh right, gonna give you that certain uh, Je Ne Sais Quoi.
Guy 2: Jenna said what?
Guy 1: Jenna?
Guy 2: Does she mention me my name or was it just kinda like was she was just talking in general?
Guy 1: I said Je Ne Sais Quoi.
Guy 2: I know, but what did she say?
"Oh, I know!" Sean said, raising his hand, "Jenna said that you got fuckin' shit for brains!"
"How in the hell can you not tell the difference between a woman and an expression that your friend made, huh?" Lucas shrugged to the camera, "Guy who looks like LJN Defender, I got some people in mind that have something to say to you."
(A clip of "That 70's Show" is playing, showing Red Forman.)
Red Forman (played by Kurtwood Smith): My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!
(A clip of the movie "The Rock" is shown featuring Sean Connery)
John Patrick Mason (played by Sean Connery): Personally, I think you're a fucking idiot.
(A clip of WWE RAW is shown featuring The Rock.)
The Rock: Know your damn role, and shut your damn mouth!
"My sentiments exactly," Sean nodded before chowing down on another wing.
Sonic Announcer: Be a wingman with new all white meat Boneless Chicken Wings in three flavors. And save room for creamy Cheesecake Bites.
"Which we also bought!" Lucas exclaimed as he brought out a bowl of cheesecake bites with caramel sauce on the side. "All brought to you by Sonic Drive-In, the place that needs a new commercial very frickin' bad."
(The Sonic Drive-In logo then appears)
Sonic Announcer: This is how you Sonic.
(TV static transitions to: Carl's Jr. All-Natural Burger featuring Charlotte McKinney)
(We open with a marketplace and we see model/actress Charlotte McKinney walking down the street while a guy spraying some water on some produce notices her and sees that she's naked. Parts of Charlotte's nude body is covered by jets of water)
Charlotte McKinney: I love going all-natural.
"Well, helloooooooo nurse!" Sean smirked.
"Damn right, my friend." Lucas smirked as well, holding a nice Joe Coffee Porter in hand.
Charlotte McKinney: It just makes me feel better.
(A vendor squeezes a juicy tomato that's shaped like a butt)
"Man, I would love to squeeze that juicy booty of hers." Lucas winked naughtily.
"Same here." Sean said.
(We see a vendor shaving some ice and he notices Charlotte walking past him as he shaves the ice harder)
"Careful, dude. You keep shaving that ice too hard, you might end up cutting off something of yours.
(We cut back to the man shaving ice hard while checking out Charlotte, blood sprays out and a blood curdling scream)
"Yikes!" Sean winced.
"Damn it, I'm gonna puke." Lucas heaved heavily, cringing from watching the uncomfortable scene.
Charlotte McKinney: Nothing between me and my 100%, all-natural, juicy…
"TITS!" Sean and Lucas both shouted out at the same time.
(We see Charlotte wearing a white bikini top and a pair of white short shorts and she is seen holding a burger)
Charlotte McKinney: ...grass-fed beef.
"Oh, you cock tease!" Sean yelled out.
"Damn, I was expecting to see Charlotte McKinney naked." Lucas pouted.
(Charlotte takes a bite out of the all-natural burger)
Announcer: Introducing the All-Natural Burger. The first ever in fast food.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this was back when Carls Jr. had smoking hot supermodels in their commercials to advertise their burgers and yes, their commercials tend to be steamy.
"Hell, I would have a burger with Charlotte McKinney and Kate Upton, but I don't want her husband Justin Verlander to come at me with a baseball bat and give me the Al Capone treatment. So, I would rather have a burger with Charlotte McKinney and Taylor." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I wish I had a Carls Jr. near where I live, so that way I can get me a burger.
"Hell, I'd rather have Charlotte McKinney's juicy tits and ass." Lucas smirked.
Announcer: The All-Natural Burger. The first ever in fast food with no antibiotics, no hormones and no steroids. Only at Carls Jr.
"We can give you the burger but not the hot chick. It doesn't come with the burger." Sean said.
(TV static transitions to: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier HBO promo from 1990)
(The promo starts with clips from the movie while Jerry Goldsmith's Star Trek theme starts playing)
Announcer: Join the starship Enterprise for a journey through space on a precarious mission.
"Oh, Christ. Not this movie again!" Sean groaned.
Capt. James T. Kirk: A hostile force has taken control of our vessel. To put us on a direct course for the Great Barrier.
"I can't believe that they showed this movie on HBO." Lucas said.
"Oh, God!" Sean screamed out.
Announcer: William Shatner…
Capt. James T. Kirk: Captain of the Enterprise.
Announcer: We know that. Leonard Nimoy.
Spock (Played by Leonard Nimoy): I'm a Vulcan.
Announcer: Right. They boldly go where no man has ever gone before.
"HBO, the movie channel that gives us provocative shows like Game of Thrones, Westworld, Real Sex, The Sopranos and Tales From the Crypt, showed this stupid movie. Hell, it was 1990. They showed good movies from 1989 like Lethal Weapon 2, Ghostbusters II, Batman and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. God, couldn't you show License to Kill? Oh, wait. They did!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, you could tell that the announcer was getting annoyed to do this promo. It's like he doesn't want to do it.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Sean: (V/O as announcer) Join the starship Enterprise for a journey through space on a precarious mission as William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy… wait a minute. Oh, my God. You're showing Star Trek V: The Final Frontier Sunday night. Uh, forget it. There's no way I'm announcing this Tribble crap! No, no. I'm out. (Voice trails off) No, fuck my contract, this movie sucks balls! Taxi!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Announcer: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, premiers Sunday on HBO. The best movies.
Uhura (Played by Nichelle Nichols): I've always wanted to play to a captive audience.
"Uh, no. I would rather see Zoe Saldana do a naked fan dance. Next commercial, please?" Sean asked. "These Star Trek V commercials are giving me a headache. What's the next one?"
"Well, lemme check." Lucas said as he grabbed the remote and changed scenes.
(TV static transitions to: Liberty Mutual Insurance "Humans" commercial circa 2012)
("Human" by The Human League starts playing as we see a blue sports car door open, only for an oncoming pickup truck to come by and hit the car door, breaking it wide open. The woman soon looks around wondering what the heck happened.)
"Ouch, that's gonna cost big ones." Lucas groaned.
Liberty Mutual Announcer: Humans. We mean well. But we're imperfect creatures living in a beautifully imperfect world.
(We see a man in a business suit put a coin inside a meter maid machine, only for his car to start rolling down the hill. The business man then proceeds to go after it.)
Sean: (Narrating) Well, if you think Geico had it crafty with their little gecko commercials, our good friends down at Liberty Mutual Insurance takes things up a notch by making sure every human here on Earth is a little fuck-up. And of course, it brings us to this commercial which aired during the 2012 Olympics in London.
"Because trust me, you're gonna wish you'd be watching that instead." Lucas pointed out.
(We then see a guy trying to apply ketchup to a hamburger, only for the glob of ketchup to hit a woman right by her blouse. We then see another guy trying to install a small air conditioner, only for the thing to fall all the way down breaking a silver sports car with a business man being shocked and upset at what happened.)
Liberty Mutual Narrator: Sometimes, the little things get us, and other times, the not-so-little.
"Ohhhh, trust us, that ain't little!" Lucas said, pointing out to the scene referring to the crushed automobile. "That's a frickin' court settlement waiting to happen."
(We then see a woman spray painting a chair, only to get paint on her car. The next scene is followed by a woman shutting the sliding door while her husband, who's getting the burgers off of the grill, walks into the sliding door)
Liberty Mutual Narrator: It's amazing we've made it this far.
"Yeah, that's right. We have a bunch of stupid people making this far. That bitch just tried to kill her husband!" Sean yelled out, referring to the husband walking into the sliding door.
"Not also that, but that's several dollars of food she just made her husband waste now." Lucas shook his head, "Didn't she learn some life lessons from Terry Crews? I swear, that's $5 worth of ground beef gone."
Lucas: (Narrating) By the way, don't you just like the feeling of Paul Giamatti having to narrate this hell-fest of a commercial?
(We see a car getting crushed in between two trucks, followed by a bathtub overflowing with water)
"Who the fuck left the water on? That's gonna be a high water bill right there." Sean said. "I swear if a kid did that, then somebody better whoop his ass."
Liberty Mutual Narrator: Maybe it's because when one of us messes up, someone else comes along to help out.
(We see a ferry pulling out while a woman's car is still on the dock)
Woman: No, no, no!
(We then see a pregnant woman go up the stairs right before being stopped by a piece of ceiling falling from the top. She then looks up to see a foot pop up from the hole of the ceiling.)
Chorus: I'm only huuuuuuman…
"Of flesh and blood, this ain't." Lucas shook his head.
"What is it that Danielle Harris said to Bruce Willis' character in The Last Boy Scout again?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Last Boy Scout plays)
Darian Hallenbeck (Played by Danielle Harris): God, you're such a fuck-up!
"Okay, that line best describes the idiots in that commercial!" Sean pointed to the camera.
(We cut to a car getting pelted by a bunch of golf balls being hit by golfers. We then cut to a guy with glasses turning on a blender and getting splashed in the face by a smoothie)
Liberty Mutual Narrator: At Liberty Mutual Insurance, we got that it's tough out there and our job is to make it less tough.
"Okay, that dude with the glasses is a fucking idiot right there. He should've held onto the top of the blender instead of letting the top fly off. What a dumbass." Sean said.
"I feel bad for whoever raised that nerdcake." Lucas shook his head.
(We then cut to a van pulling up to the garage, only for the bikes that was attached on top of the van to be knocked down by the top of the garage handle. It then cuts to an insurance agent talking to the driver himself.)
Liberty Mutual Narrator: That's the thing about humans. When things are at their worst, we're at our best.
"Bullshit lie, Liberty Mutual." Lucas scowled to the camera, "I think you probably meant to say that when things are at their worst, we make it even worse!"
"That's why I always choose Geico," Sean nodded, "Because at least the gecko with that Simon Pegg accent was at least entertaining."
Liberty Mutual Narrator: See how at Liberty Mutual dot com.
(The Liberty Mutual Insurance logo pops up.)
Liberty Mutual Narrator: Liberty Mutual Insurance: Responsibility. What's your policy?
"Yeah, Human League is pissed and they want their song back." Sean groaned angrily.
(TV static transitions to: Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa "Iron Horse" commercial circa 1992)
(We see a mesa pop-up from the ground, followed by Marshal Moo Montana, The Cowlorado Kid and Dakota Dude come out of the dust riding their horses close-up.)
Narrator: Out of Moo Mesa, a new legend is born. Heroes with hooves, highs in horns.
Choir: Wild West C.O.W.-Boys!
Lucas: (Narrating) Oh, now this is what I'm really talking about ladies and gentleman.
(Clips of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles start playing around in a montage.)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, fans. Remember the awesome Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles craze that appeared around in the late 80's to mid 90's? Well, thanks to the popularity of the franchise with it's video games, action figures and cartoon whatnot, most toy companies decided to capitalize in the Turtles success with most copycats and ripoffs involving these crazy gimmicky action cartoons that appeared in the entire 1990's.
Lucas then brought out a big list that he brought out from under the bed, showing a list of cartoons that he wrote down.
"And trust me, there were a WHOLE lot of imitators to list." Lucas nodded as he read down the list, "There were SWAT Kats, Biker Mice From Mars, Street Sharks, Mighty Ducks: The Animated Series, Extreme Dinosaurs, Samurai Pizza Cats, King Arthur and the Knights of Justice, and yes I know it didn't have any anthropomorphized characters, but damn it, I just wanted it to be mentioned."
(Clips of Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa start playing.)
Sean: (Narrating) And out of TMNT's success came the Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa. It premiered on the ABC's Saturday Morning lineup on September 12, 1992 and looking at it, the gimmick was insane. It mostly involved a comet gazing through the skies and out came three actual humanized cows dressed as cowboys defending the great city of Cowtown and the path that was Moo Mesa. Although it was a bit laughable, the episodes I gotta admit were pretty good the first time you watch them. And even though it only lasted two seasons with 26 episodes, it was 26 episodes of awesomeness that even a kid in the 90's can even contain.
Lucas: (Narrating) And of course, what came out of show was action figures, lunchboxes, a kickass arcade game made by Konami, and what we're seeing now is the commercial promoting one of the action figures themselves, mostly the Iron Horse.
(We cut to a figure of Sheriff Terrorbull knocking down figures of Cowlorado Kid and Dakota Dude to whom he knocks through a toy saloon. It then cuts to a figure of Marshal Moo Montana shooting an invisible bullet, knocking down Terrorbull while a piece of wood was knocked down, hanging from the saloon.)
Narrator: Sheriff Terrorbull was whipping up a scheme and his cow-blooded gang was looking real mean. But Moo Montana's always ready for trouble and he stopped that Sheriff with his great draw double.
Choir: Wild West C.O.W.-Boys!
"You know if that little gun Marshal Moo has had real bullets in them, you can best be sure Sheriff Terrorbull is gonna have his fuckin' head blown off." Lucas pointed out.
"Trust me, that would've made a better episode." Sean nodded.
Sean: (Narrating) Plus, is it just me or this narrator pretty much narrating this like he's singing a frickin' country ballad?
(We then cut to a figure of Cowlorado Kid roping Sheriff Terrorbull all around and dragging him out of the saloon all before we see Cowlorado riding on top of an iron horse knocking down Terrorbull. It then cuts to an Iron Horse shooting a gadget, knocking down an entire balcony which knocks a cowboy down on the process, all before switching to both Marshal Moo, Cowlorado Kid and Dakota Dude riding on their horses.)
Narrator: Cowlorado roped him as a matter of course, Geromino rolled the Iron Horse. With cannons blazing and showing them who's best, the good guys win, now that's the Code of the West!
"Well, I gotta say, the Iron Horse looks frickin' stylish." Sean nodded, "Looks like what happened if a trojan horse got one hell of a heavy metal makeover."
"That would have been awesome," Lucas nodded before making a serious tone, "Except we DON'T FRICKIN' SEE HIM IN THE CARTOON!"
Lucas then huffed and puffed trying to catch his breath, before taking a few seconds to calm himself down in the process.
"Okay, I'm all lightened up." Lucas nodded, "The matter of the fact is that the Iron Horse never shows the hell up in any of the episodes I've watched. The commercial frickin' lies to you. I mean, if you're gonna promote a toy like that, then it deserves to be in the frickin' cartoon itself!"
(A picture then pops up showing a screenshot of the Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa arcade game from Konami, mostly showing a demented tarantula outlaw.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Oh, and you remember the time our good friends at Konami blessed us with the Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa arcade game, and it had this freaky-ass tarantula as one of the bosses?
"Well, surprise surprise, he never shows up in the cartoons either!" Lucas said, still freaking out as always, "Why in the hell was Konami and Hasbro tricking kids out of this short-lived franchise in the 90's? Yikes, Konami, no wonder Hideo Kojima left your frickin' company after you mistreated the Metal Gear Solid franchise. And Hasbro? You know what I'm talking about, the same company that created the Transformers and My Little Pony franchise? Well Hasbro, if Marshal Moo Montana were here right now, you know what he'd say to you two right now? It's simple…"
And then, Lucas looked to the right and said, "Marshal Moo, take it away!"
(A clip of Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa is shown featuring Marshal Moo Montana.)
Marshal Moo Montana (voiced by Pat Fraley): Like it says in the Code of the West…
Sean (V/O as Marshal Moo): Konami and Hasbro can kiss my cowboy ass.
"Although I will forgive you for bringing us the arcade game." Sean nodded with a smirk.
"Yeah, can't argue with that." Lucas nodded as well.
Narrator: Wild West C.O.W.-Boys come with everything you see here. Figures and Iron Horse, each sold separately.
(TV static transitions to: Taco Bell Movie Night with Ricardo Montalban commercial from 1999)
(We open with the Anderson family having taco night and movie night)
Ricardo Montalban: Welcome to taco night at the Andersons.
(A clip from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is shown)
Admiral James T. Kirk: (Yells) KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
"Goddamn it! I thought that joke was dead!" Sean yelled out.
"Me too," Lucas nodded, "I thought I killed it with a frickin' ray gun!"
Sean: (Narrating) Don't you just love fast food joints giving you a sweet deal like getting a coupon for a free Blockbuster video? We see this family enjoying taco night and watching a movie as well. And I have to say, the Anderson family have a nice taste in movies.
"I mean, they've picked the perfect movie… GHOSTBUSTERS!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
Guy on TV: Hey, it's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!
(The movie Ghostbusters is playing on the Andersons' television)
Ricardo Montalban: Taco night is also movie night at the Andersons.
Announcer: Get a coupon for a free Blockbuster video when you bring home the new Grande Meal from Taco Bell. It's a mountain of food for just $9.99.
"Hell, yeah! I'm in, what about you?" Sean asked.
"I'm definitely hungry for some tacos right now." Lucas smirked.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from seeing the late, great Ricardo Montalban…
(A clip from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is shown)
Admiral James T. Kirk: Khaaaaaaaaaaaan!
"Knock it off! Can somebody please do something about that fucking joke?!" Sean growled. "I swear, if that clip plays again."
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from Ricardo Montalban in the commercial, I like that commercial. But there's something about then commercial that bothers me. It's the bad voice over for Ghostbusters.
Guy on TV: Hey, it's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!/One, two, three blast him!
"Okay, that didn't even sound like Dan Aykroyd. You can afford to get the dude from Fantasy Island but you can't even afford to get one of the Ghostbusters? How cheap are these a-holes?!" Sean asked.
"Probably those who have cow dump and baby snot for brains." Lucas replied.
Sean: (Narrating) I know how silly this commercial is but I love it for three of my favorite things: tacos, Ghostbusters and Khan.
"Taco Bell chihuahua, what do you think?" Sean asked, turning to his right.
Chihuahua (Voiced by Carlos Alazraqui): Wow! Let's make s'mores.
"Hey, I'm in the mood for some s'mores as well." Sean said.
Ricardo Montalban: Until next time.
(The same clip from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is shown)
Admiral James T. Kirk: Khaaaaaaa…..
"Okay, that's it! Time for that joke to die… FOREVER!" Sean screamed out.
Before Sean could stand up and do something drastic to that meme itself, Lucas stopped him right away with just by the force of his hand.
"Don't worry Sean, I got this." Lucas nodded before grabbing a big hammer right from behind the couch.
He then approaches the Star Trek II "Khaaaaaan" meme (which is in the form of a box) and starts smashing it non-stop in a fit of violent rage. He keeps smashing it until it's nothing more than a fake bloody mess (it's red paint, everyone).
Huffing and puffing from the hint of rage itself, Lucas shouted to the camera, "THERE! NOW IT'S NEVER FUCKING COMING BACK! AND GOOD RIDDANCE!"
Lucas then throws the sledgehammer down very hardly to the floor and heads down to the couch before saying, "Can we just get to another commercial? I've had enough of Star Trek for a lifetime."
(TV static transitions to: Kellogg's Corn Pops commercials)
Teen #1: (Sees his friend pouring Corn Pops in his bowl) Hey Turner, quit hogging the Corn Pops.
(Suspenseful music starts playing)
Teen #2: Oops, all gone.
Teen #1: No big deal. (Thinking) My Kellogg's Corn Pops all gone? Stay calm.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, remember these commercials? You gotta have a mentally tormented teen who loves his or her Corn Pops.
(We cut to an ad involving a teenage girl and her sleeping friend in her room)
Teenage Girl: I've got an idea, let's get some Corn Pops.
Teenage Girl's Friend: (Sleeping) We don't have any.
(Suspenseful music plays)
Teenage Girl: (Thinking) They don't have Kellogg's Corn Pops? (Talks out loud) Get serious.
Teenage Girl's Friend: I am.
Teenage Girl: (Thinking) She isn't. Oh, like sweet, crunchy popcorn I could almost taste it.
Sean: (Narrating) You know how these commercials go. For those of you who don't, then let me and Lucas explain it to you. It's starts off with some kid wanting some delicious Corn Pops until he discovers that there's no Corn Pops.
Lucas: (Narrating) And then we delve right into their twisted, fucked-up psyche because they're not getting their precious Corn Pops. It's like these kids have a fetish for fucking Corn Pops. It's just cereal!
Sean: (Narrating) These kids are pretty insane about their Corn Pops. They make these commercials like it was a freakin' psychological thriller. Hell, take a look at the commercial with Jenny Lewis from The Wizard.
(Cut to a Corn Pops ad featuring Jenny Lewis)
Mother: (Leaves the store) Come on, Liz. Pick out your cereal and let's get going.
Liz (Played by Jenny Lewis): Coming.
(Liz sees a boy take the last box of Corn Pops as suspenseful music starts playing)
Liz: (Thinking) Oh, no! That kid took the last box of Kellogg's Corn Pops. Stay calm.
"Pops!" Sean exclaimed while holding a box of Kellogg's Corn Pops before looking at it. "I gotta have my Pops!"
Liz: Uh sir, you're out of Corn Pops.
Mother: Liz, just pick something.
Liz: (Thinking) Pick something? I want my Corn Pops!
We cut back to Sean, who's busy clutching his box of Corn Pops tight while Lucas grabs a handful of cereal from out of the box and starts eating it.
Liz: (Thinking) Oh, I can be at home eating all the Pops I want but I'm stuck in the woods on some stupid family vacation and that little weasel took the last box! Ugh!
"What?" Sean asked while looking at the camera.
Store Clerk: Nice day.
Liz: (Sees the clerk putting up some more boxes of Corn Pops on the shelf) Yes. I love the woods.
"What are you doing to us, Corn Pops?!" Sean and Lucas both shouted.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, jalapeno! They're freaking out over Kellogg's Corn Pops. I mean, stay calm for crying out loud. Can you imagine something like this in real life?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean and Taylor in the mall together as Sean leaves F.Y.E. and getting ready to leave)
Sean: Well, I got my copy of Cobra Kai seasons 1 and 2. Now, let's head home so I can have a bowl of those delicious Corn Pops.
Taylor: Not yet. I want to look at some dresses at Macy's.
(Taylor walks off as suspenseful music starts playing)
Sean: (Thinking) Look at dresses with you? And keep me away from my Kellogg's Corn Pops? Are you frickin' kidding me?
Taylor: Sean, come on.
Sean: Coming, babygirl. (Thinking) No, I want my Corn Pops! Oh, that sweet popcorn that melts in your mouth, I can almost taste it. But Blondie over here wants to spend an eternity at Macy's to look at some stupid dresses! Oh, God! Take me away!
(We see Lucas, who's playing a masked robber armed with an AK-47, robbing Macy's while Taylor walks away over to Sean)
Taylor: Matter of fact, I'll look at dresses for another time.
Sean: (Mouths) Thank you.
Dave: (V/O as Announcer) Kellogg's Corn Pops is part of this complete breakfast.
(We cut to Sean, who's sitting on the couch while eating a bowl of Corn Pops)
Sean: (Thinking) I gotta have my pops.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) A classic, yet messed up commercial that brings you these four little words.
Teenage Boy: (Thinking) I gotta have my pops.
(A clip from The Room is shown)
Tommy (Played by Tommy Wiseau): (His voice is replaced by the Nostalgia Critic's voice) You are tearing me apart, Corn Pops!
(TV static transitions to: Fragile Childhood- Monsters PSA)
(We see a little girl with pigtails, who's looking a little sad, walking down the street with her mother)
Sean: (Narrating) Here's a little PSA from Finland.
"Okay, this one seems safe. I know the Nostalgia Critic has taken a look at a few PSAs from Canada, Britain and recently Ireland. And we know how batshit insane their PSAs are. Alright, Finland. What do you have for us?" Sean asked.
(We cut to a little boy standing in the park, then we cut to another little boy who's standing right by a car while the door is opened. Next, we cut to a little girl who's looking at something)
"Hmm, I wonder what these kids are looking at." Lucas said, looking curious.
"Me too. Did they see something weird?" Sean asked.
(We cut to a little boy who's looking at something while walking down the soccer field. Next, we cut to a little girl who's sitting at a booth in a diner eating ice cream)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, I'm sure that this one seems innocent…
(The girl looks at an evil bunny monster face wearing a business suit)
"What the shit?" Sean asked, with a shocked look on his face.
(We cut to a little boy backing away as he sees his parent, who's dressed as the Grim Reaper. Then, we cut back to the little girl with pigtails walking with her mother, who's a zombie)
"What the shit?" Lucas said as well.
(We cut to the little boy walking past his father, who's an evil clown with a beer belly)
"Oh, my God!" Sean exclaimed.
(The next scene cuts to the little girl's father, who's an evil Santa Claus, putting the coat on her but she moves around. The last scene cuts to a little boy's father, who's a creepy bank robber, putting the seatbelt on him while breathing heavily and closes the car door as the little boy looks on in fear. The commercial's message is then shown with captions: "How do our children see us when we've been drinking?". The commercial ends with the text: "Speak out to help us change the way we behave.")
Sean and Lucas both sit on the couch while looking stunned right before Sean says something.
"JESUS CHRIST, FINLAND!" Sean cried out. "That's your way of telling people to stop drinking, by showing a PSA about showing us how little kids sees us when we drink? You did a good job by scaring the living shit out of us!"
Sean: (Narrating) Look, I get it Finland. You want to send a message to people to stop drinking in front of their kids but you didn't have to scare people like that. Hell, you're scaring me!
"Okay, you have Canada and their crazy PSAs, then Britain a.k.a New Canada for their crazy as hell PSAs and recently you have Ireland, which is now New Britain because of that fucking safe driving PSA. And now, because of this PSA, Finland you're now New Ireland!" Sean shouted.
In the process however, Lucas started to look down right between his legs with a big huge gulp formed inside his throat.
"I think that PSA made me piss myself." Lucas said shuddering in fear.
"Hell, I'm gonna have trouble sleeping after seeing Evil Santa and John Wayne Gacy's bloated brother. Let's get to another commercial that's not going to give people nightmares." Sean said.
(TV static transitions to: Toys "R" Us "You'll Never Outgrow Us" commercial from 1989)
(We see a business man riding down the sidewalk on a Big Wheel.)
Business Man: I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys "R" Us kid.
(He then stops to see a young girl riding on a girl bike, throwing out newspapers.)
Papergirl: There's a million toys at Toys R' Us that I can play with.
The scene then cuts to both Sean and Lucas, who immediately sigh and groan at the camera in a very depressing way.
"Toys R Us, why did you leave us so?" Lucas said very tiringly.
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, it has been only one year since America's favorite toy store passed away from this Earth, and truth be told, I'm still not over losing Toys R' Us to this very day. I think Lucas can vouch for me on that logic.
"Why in the hell did you take Toys "R" Us away from us, you douchey bastards!?" Lucas screamed angrily in tears while he was cutting up onions at the same time.
"Um… why exactly are you cutting onions?" Sean asked Lucas.
"It's all a part of the effect, damn it!" Lucas sobbed back, trying to hold back the tears from the cutting onions.
(The scene cuts to an old man playing with a hand puppet, he catches the newspaper with his hand)
Old Man: I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R' Us kid.
(Cartoon steam pops up and wags it's finger at the old man. Then, the scene moves to a woman playing with a toy kitchen set)
Woman: They've got the best for so much less, you'll really flip your lid.
We cut back to Sean, who's seen crying as Lucas starts noticing tears on his friend's face.
"Dude, are you crying?" Lucas asked.
"What? No, I'm not crying." Sean said as he tries to hide the tears on his face.
"Oh, really? Then explain the tears on your face." Lucas said.
"Alright, goddamn it. I'm crying! I'm crying! You're goddamn right that I'm crying! Why did they have to take Toys "R" Us away from us! I have very fond memories about this place. I bought my Beetleborgs action figures, Glover on the Nintendo 64 and Mega Man X5 on the PS1. Are you satisfied?!" Sean snapped at Lucas.
Lucas immediately backed away from him a little bit and said out of defense, "Hey hey hey, don't shoot the messenger, okay?"
"I'm sorry. I'm just a little emotional right now." Sean said as he tries to calm down, then takes a deep breath before talking about the commercial. "Let's talk more about the commercial before I continue to cry. God, I haven't cried this much since Luke Perry's tribute episode in Riverdale."
Sean: (Narrating) Don't you just love seeing how much fun that these grown-ups and kids are having playing with these toys.
(We cut to a father and son playing with a train set after a toy hamburger patty lands on the train)
Father and Son: From bikes to trains to video games. It's the biggest toy store there is.
(An old lady starts dancing with an inflatable dinosaur)
Old Lady: I don't wanna grow up cause maybe if I did, I couldn't be a Toys R' Us kid.
"Goddamn it. I had that inflatable dinosaur when I was a kid. Could you excuse me for a second? I need to clear my head." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and leaves the living room.
As soon as Sean left though, Lucas turned to the camera and smirked out, "If you're asking, he's mostly gonna cry because he misses Toys R' Us and that big dinosaur combined."
But then Lucas started to groan once more in defeat, sighing depressingly, "And so do I too. I wish it never had to go bankrupt in the first place. I hope you corporate bastards are proud of what you accomplished, because damn it, I want Toys R' Us back."
Brian then popped right behind the couch and said, "Well, why not go to Target or Wal-Mart? I'm pretty sure everyone can get their toy fix one way or another."
Lucas then raised his eyebrow to Brian in a "WTF?" expression being shown on his face, forcing Brian to form a big gulp around his throat in response.
"What on earth did I say?" Brian shrugged.
Then all of a sudden, Lucas drew out a magnum gun and pointed it straight to Brian.
"Get back behind the couch, fucker." Lucas replied.
Brian then replied with, "All I said was you and Sean can always go to Target or Wal-Mart to get your toy-"
He was then cut off by Lucas, who cocked his gun right at him as a final warning.
"Okay, never mind then." Brian said before moving back down behind the couch.
Meanwhile as Lucas finally put away his gun for the time being, Sean finally came back sniffling a little bit.
"Hey buddy, you alright?" Lucas replied, not even noticing the dried tear stains left in Sean's face..
"Yeah, I'm fine. I think I'm good now." Sean said as he takes a deep breath, calming himself down.
(We see a little girl wearing a cowboy hat and she's on a rocking horse)
Little Girl: More games, more toys! Oh, boy! (Throws her hat up in the air)
(We cut to the Toys "R" Us logo with the tagline "You'll never outgrow us." underneath the logo. We see the little girl's hat hitting the "R" in Toys "R" Us, making a bullet ricochet sound effect)
"And I had that rocking horse that my grandmother gave to me when I was a baby. And I still have that rocking horse so I can pass that down to my kid." Sean said, containing his anger not long as he begins to snap. "YOU SONS OF BITCHES! YOU TOOK TOYS "R" US AWAY FROM US! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"
Lucas immediately grabs Sean to stop him from going out and kill someone. "Sean, don't. The holidays are coming up and I do not want you to end up going to jail!"
"I don't care! Someone's gonna die!" Sean yelled out and pulled out a green lightsaber.
While all that is going down, Taylor, Cami, Dave and Brian join in to stop Sean and to calm him down.
(The text "A Few Moments Later" pop up on the screen)
Narrator: A few moments later.
We cut to Sean, who's now looking calm as he takes a deep breath before saying a word.
"I'm so sorry about that, folks. I don't know what came to me. I haven't taken the loss of Toys "R" Us pretty well and it was wrong for me to act all murderous. I almost tried to cut off Dave's hand with a lightsaber. So again, I'm sorry for that outburst." Sean said.
"Want to watch a Brazzers video with Cali Carter getting pounded by Mick Blue to make you feel better?" Lucas asked.
"I'll watch it later on. But for now, we got some commercials to talk about." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, Toys "R" Us. An excellent toy store taken away from us. Wish that you were still here with us.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, we'll never grow up because we're still Toys "R" Us kids.
Children: I wanna be a Toys "R" Us kid!
(TV static transitions to: The Super Soaker Oozinator commercial)
(A teenage boy is spraying liquid on little boys playfully from the green-colored toy simply known as the Oozinator)
Announcer: What do you call the new water and ooze-blastin' Oozinator?
Boy #1: (While getting sprayed) Oh, yuck!
"What the fu… oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Sean exclaimed.
Boy #2: (While being sprayed) Bleah!
Boy #3: Gross!
Boy #4: Ew!
Boy #5: Disgusting!
"Oh, come on!" Sean yelled out.
"You can't be serious." Lucas said.
Announcer: And, of course…
Teenage Boy: Awesome!
"Yeah, awesome for Jared from Subway." Sean said.
Announcer: The new Oozinator blaster from Super Soaker! Major pumping required. Refill solld separately.
We cut back to Sean, who's sitting back on the couch, trying to think of something to say while Lucas waits for his friend to say something until Sean breaks his silence.
"Lucas, want to take over for me because I have a lot of perverted things to say about this commercial. And I mean, a lot." Sean said. "Because I think that Brazzers has created a squirt gun for kids to play with."
"Hey, I didn't know that they modeled a squirt gun after the Green Goblin's dick." Lucas chuckled.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, Jesus! What were they thinking? They didn't think that they were going to create something so perverted? They should just call it the Cuminator. You know, I refer to my dick as the Oozinator because I tend to act like Mick Blue in the bedroom with Taylor.
"You know what, I'm going to re-edit this commercial in a humorous way because I am an immature little bastard. Roll it!" Sean shouted out.
(The commercial is shown again, but in slo-mo while 80s porn music starts playing in the background)
"There! I had to do it. I hope you're happy!" Sean yelled out.
(The commercial continues as well as the sensual music, we then cut to...)
Announcer: You and your Johnson.
(A clip from Ghostbusters is shown)
Winston Zeddemore (Played by Ernie Hudson): That's a big Twinkie.
(A clip from Return of the Jedi is shown)
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): Come with me.
"Well, great job. You guys created a squirt gun that does a good job at coming across the wrong way. Are you proud of yourselves?" Sean asked.
(TV static transitions to: Batman: The Animated Series McDonalds commercial from 1993)
(We cut to Batman standing on the rooftop looking at the Bat-signal in a CGI Gotham City as Commissioner Gordon contacts him on the walkie talkie)
Commissioner Gordon (Voiced by the late Bob Hastings): Batman, Joker turned up at the Gotham McDonalds.
Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): On my way. (Glides off the roof) Robin, meet me at the Gotham City McDonalds.
"Oh, hell yes! Now, we're talking." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) This was when McDonalds started having Batman happy meal toys from Batman: The Animated Series. Yep, the kid-friendly version of Batman. I guess they wanted to replace the Batman Returns toy line because of parents complaining how dark and violent Batman Returns was.
"Boy, parents can be a bunch of pussies." Lucas said, crossing his arms and shaking his head at the camera.
"My message to the parents: have you not watched Batman '89?" Sean asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) We see Batman staking out the Gotham branch McDonalds, where the Joker is at.
Batman: Robin, meet me at the Gotham City McDonalds.
Robin (Voiced by Loren Lester): Right, Catwoman's been sighted there.
Batman: They're ours now.
Lucas: (Narrating) You know, I just noticed something. The CGI Gotham City looks similar to the CGI Gotham City on the opening credits of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm.
Sean: (Narrating) Either that or it turned into the 1994 Spider-Man cartoon. And it's throwing me off. If I want to see a superhero flying through a CGI city, I'd watch… (The poster for Spider-Man is shown) Yeah, that show.
(We cut to a montage of children playing the Batman happy meal toys)
Announcer: Just imagine Batman's surprise when he finds out everyone's talking about the Batman happy meal toys at McDonalds. One of eight exciting action toys or vehicles with each Batman happy meal you buy your kids. What you want is what you get at McDonalds today.
(We cut to Batman and Robin staking out the Gotham McDonalds)
Robin: Why have they been in there so long?
Batman: They're probably just toying with us, Robin.
Lucas starts chuckling a bit from Batman's pun.
"I see what you did there, commercial. I see what you did. You made Batman whip out a toy pun. Hey, at least it's much dignified than…" Lucas said.
(A clip from Batman & Robin is shown)
Mr. Freeze (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): The Iceman Cometh!
"Never play that clip again." Sean said, glaring at Lucas.
Sean: (Narrating) You know what's so funny is that Gotham City has a McDonalds. And my question is this, what could the Joker and Catwoman be doing in McDonalds.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's playing The Joker, and Taylor, who's playing Catwoman, sitting at a table in McDonalds playing with the Batman toys while eating their lunch)
Taylor: (as Catwoman) Are you sure that Batman and Robin won't try to catch us?
Sean: (as Joker) Oh, please. Were just having a peaceful lunch without Batsy and Birdboy interrupting us. Besides, I want to play with my toys. (Laughs)
Taylor: Well, at least I'm having fun with my toys.
(Sean sees Taylor playing with a Batman and Catwoman toy)
Sean: Wait, how come you get two and I don't?
Taylor: You should know because people ship me and Batman together.
(Sean stays silent for a bit)
Sean: You do know that he hooks up with Batgirl in The Killing Joke movie, right?
(Taylor stay silent for a bit before saying a word)
Taylor: Ok, that's a bit creepy.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) A pretty awesome commercial featuring one of the greatest superheroes ever.
"Better throw in the Superhero Burger as well for McDonalds Taste of the Month and we're golden." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Robin: Why have they been in there so long?
Batman: They're probably just toying with us, Robin.
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) Don't forget to buy the Superhero Burger!
(TV static transitions to: Slim Jim commercials featuring Randy "Macho Man" Savage)
(We open with two teens at a school dance as some dull music starts playing. An old lady pulls out a dusty old record and blows some of the dust off of it)
Teen #1: What happened to dance, huh?
(Suddenly, Randy Savage crashes through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man)
Randy Savage: Wanna pick up the tempo?
Teen #1 and Teen #2: (Both) Yeah!
Randy Savage: Snap into a Slim Jim!
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God. Okay, I know that I was little when those commercials aired back in the 90s. Ever since the Nostalgia Critic talked about those commercials on his Conquest of the Commercials episode, I had to take a look at the commercials and holy cannoli! These commercials are a riot.
Lucas: (Narrating) And what better way to have a commercial so awesome is that you gotta put a wrestler in your commercial. And that wrestler is in the form of the late, great Randy "Macho Man" Savage! And he gives one hell of an extreme commercial.
(We cut to an ad showing people performing a Romeo & Juliet play)
Actress (playing as Juliet): Romeo! Romeo! Where for art thou, Romeo?
Director: Again, please?
Actor (playing as Romeo): Again?
Director: Again.
(Randy Savage bursts through the set)
Randy Savage: Art thou bored? Snap into a Slim Jim!
Sean: (Narrating) Let me tell you something a bunch of shit goes down in these commercials. You have a room starting to shake and a bunch of shit exploding all around the room, you know the only person who's responsible for the mayhem that's going on: (a photo of Randy Savage is shown) That guy.
"Ooooooh yeah, that's just him doin' his thing!" Lucas smirked, imitating the Macho Man's voice, "Then the next thing ya know, he's gonna go up that top rope, drop that elbow on that Ric Flair and pick up Miss Elizabeth up on his shoulders, throwing up an 'ohh yeah', dig it!"
(We cut to another ad showing people working at a library. A door breaks down as books fall off the shelves which startles a librarian)
Randy Savage: So, higher education got you down? Well, snap into it! (He takes a bite of a Slim Jim and a computer explodes) Snap into a Slim Jim!
(The three teens take a bite into a Slim Jim as things start exploding around the librarian)
Randy Savage: Tear into the spice! That beefy, juicy taste!
(The three teens take another bite out of the Slim Jim as books start falling off the shelves)
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, holy shitballs of fire! You know there's going to be some property damage when Randy Savage enters the room. Take a look at this Slim Jim commercial from 1996 and this probably my favorite out of the Slim Jim commercials. You have these two high school teens in a lamp store.
"Okay, you have a room full of lamps. I'm just hyped up about Randy Savage busting in already." Sean said with a smile on his face as he tries to contain his excitement.
Lucas: (Narrating) Then, this douchenozzle owner of the lamp store makes fun of the two teens after one of them knocks over a lamp.
Store Owner: How many high school boys does it take to change a lightbulb? (Laughs)
Sean: (Narrating) Then Randy Savage starts busting through a window on the ceiling like a motherfuckin' boss!
Randy Savage: (To the two teens) Wanna light up your life?
Two Boys: Yeah!
Randy Savage: Snap into a Slim Jim!
(He takes a bite and the light bulbs explode, sending the store owner flying onto a fan blade)
(A clip from Superman: The Animated Series is shown)
Dan Turpin (Voiced by the late Joseph Bologna): Holy Hannah!
Randy Savage: Tear into the spice!
(The two teens take a bite and the fan starts spinning fast with the store owner hanging on, then sends him flying to a chandelier)
We cut back to Sean and Lucas both yelling in excitement from the chaos that's going on in the commercial.
(A clip from Army of Darkness is shown)
Ash (Played by Bruce Campbell): Yeah, baby!
Randy Savage: That beefy, juicy taste!
(The two teens take another bite as the lightbulbs explode and the store owner falls off the chandelier and crashes into a light shaped like a lightbulb)
Randy Savage: Need a little excitement? Snap into a Slim Jim!
We cut back to Sean and Lucas taking a deep breath from the commercial as Sean pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking it as Lucas turns around and notices Sean smoking it.
"Wait a minute, you don't smoke." Lucas said.
"I know. That commercial made me want to smoke a cigarette after all of the chaos. But I sooooooooooooo want a Slim Jim right about now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, these commercials are packed with so much testosterone, I wanna see a bunch of shit exploding right about now.
(Cut to a pizza boy folding pizza boxes)
Young Man: If I have to fold one more box, I'm going to snap.
(Suddenly, Randy Savage appears between two piles of boxes)
Randy Savage: Did you say snap?
(He then bursts through the pizza boxes)
Randy Savage: Snap into a Slim Jim!
(He and the pizza boy take a bite as pizzas fly out of the oven and hit the pizza man in the face)
"Man, I tell you we all need Randy Savage in our lives. Ain't that right, Lucas?" Sean asked.
"Ooooh yeah, that's just about it, Sean!" Lucas said, still imitating the Macho Man, "I want them Slim Jims so bad, it'll hurt so good like John Mellencamp! Dig it!"
Sean: (Narrating) These are some of the most awesome and coolest ads ever coming from the Macho Man himself. You have to check them out if you come across them on YouTube.
Randy Savage: Chips? (Crushes the bag of chips and throws them down on the ground, then grabs a box of Slim Jim meat snacks) Gotta have beef, gotta have spice. Need a little excitement? Snap into a Slim Jim. Oh, yeah!
"I'm gonna go to my store and buy some Slim Jims in your honor, Randy Savage. Oh, yeah!" Sean said, imitating Randy Savage.
(Randy Savage takes a bite of a Slim Jim)
(TV static transitions to: Tootsie Pop commercial from 1970)
Sean: (Narrating) Now here's a classic and nostalgic commercial with an excellent set up and a great punchline. This is a wonderful commercial that we all remember.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, it's still played to this very day too. You know it right? We got a fat kid, don't know if he's naked or not, walking up to every animal he meets and asks this question heard right there.
(The kid walks up to a cow while holding a Tootsie Pop in hand.)
Kid: Mr. Cow?
Mr. Cow: Yeeeeees?
Kid: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
Mr. Cow: I don't know. I always end up biting. Ask Mr. Fox, why he's much clever than I.
(The kid then walks up to a fox wearing sunglasses)
Kid: Mr. Fox, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
Mr. Fox: Why don't you ask Mr. Turtle for he's been around a lot longer than I. Me? I bite.
"Okay, what's with the fox looking like Joe Cool with the sunglasses?" Sean asked.
"Maybe he was created to appeal to the young kids of the 70's." Lucas guessed out, "After all, we knew what was cool to the young hip demographic from that era: Lava lamps, 8-tracks, Led Zeppelin, Scooby-Doo, getting high, getting laid without an STD, getting high again, having a frickin' fox wear sunglasses. Yeah, they were the shit back then."
(The kid then walks up to a turtle wearing eyeglasses.)
Kid: Mr. Turtle., how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
Mr. Turtle: I never made it without biting. Ask Mr. Owl, for he is the wisest of us all.
"Actually, I rather ask Fez from That 70's Show, maybe he knows the answer." Lucas replied.
(A clip of That 70's Show plays showing Fez with a Tootsie Pop in hand.)
Fez (played by Wilmer Valderrama): How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
(Fez licks the Tootsie Pop)
Fez: One.
(Fez licks the Tootsie Pop again)
Fez: Twooooo!
(Fez decides to lick the Tootsie Pop, but stops at the last second.)
Fez: Ah, screw it.
(Fez decides to bite into the Tootsie Pop, but only to break his teeth.)
Fez: Ow, my tooth! Why did I bite?!
"It's because you're a frickin' dumbass, Fez!" Sean exclaimed, crossing his arms in annoyance.
"All right, let's see what Mr. Owl's got to offer right there." Lucas replied.
(The kid then approaches Mr. Owl, who was standing on a branch above a tree.)
Kid: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
Mr. Owl: Good question. Let's find out.
(Mr. Owl then takes the Tootsie Pop from the kid's hands.)
Mr. Owl: One, tw-oooooo, three...
(Mr. Owl chomps on the Tootsie Pop with a single crunch. He then gives it right back to the kid.)
Mr. Owl: Three.
"Damn! He just murdered that Tootsie Pop!" Lucas smirked a bit evilly.
"Mostly a lot of people take thousands of licks to make that disappear, and all it took for him was only three!" Sean nodded, feeling very impressed.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, I never attempt to bite the Tootsie Pop because I do not want to break my teeth. Hell, when I'm in the bedroom with Taylor she acts like Sean Jr. is a Tootsie Pop and she tries not to bite it off. For those of you who have watched Scary Movie….
(A clip from Scary Movie is shown)
(We hear a biting sound as Bobby groans in pain right after Cindy goes down on him)
Bobby (Played by Jon Abrahams): (Groans in pain) Jesus!
Cindy (Played by Anna Faris): (Smiles) I never could manage to get to the chewy middle.
"You get the idea." Sean said.
"I swear, Lorena Bobbitt should be used to acts like that right about now." Lucas asked him before saying to the camera, "And if you out there watching don't have no clue who Lorena Bobbitt is, Google it bitches!"
Sean: (Narrating) You know, I just love this little line that the kid says right after Mr. Owl chomps on the Tootsie Pop right when he walks away.
Kid: If there's anything I can't stand, it's a smart owl.
"Smart owl?" Lucas raised an eyebrow, "More like smart ass!"
Sean nodded before saying, "And without a doubt, this commercial still proves to back up every claim since that once single question almost 50 years ago."
Sean: (Narrating) This is a classic commercial that I recall watching when I was young every Saturday morning when I'm watching like ABC's One Saturday Morning. It was that commercial and yeah there's the other Tootsie Pop commercial with the giant Terminator-looking robot and a giant dinosaur wrecking a city. Those two I remember seeing them play every time. It brings out the nostalgic feels when I remember them.
Lucas: (Narrating) But trust me when I say this, nothing will ever come close to this awesome piece of nostalgia that's still around to this very day.
Lucas then smirked to the camera, "Because like that important question that's on every single mind is…"
(We see multiple Tootsie Pops unwrapped, showing them dissolve one by one.)
Narrator: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
(The Tootsie Pops all get crunched off, showing half of its chocolate center.)
Narrator: The world may never know.
"Of course, they know! Mr. Owl just frickin' showed every one of us how it's frickin' done, for God's sakes!" Sean growled in response.
"Yes, he did, Sean." Lucas nodded, "Yes, he did."
It took another five seconds for Sean to calm down before saying, "And that brings us the end to our third commercials special here on this channel, so it was nice having you here once again, Lucas. Hoping to do more in the future with you."
"Trust me, it's been a pleasure." Lucas nodded once more, "And what's better is that the holiday season is coming up my friend. All the Christmas shopping, Christmas carols, Santa Claus, Rudolph, heck maybe drunken egg nog night at the strip club next door that I'm going to next week. It's sure to be a blast."
"Indeed," Sean nodded to Lucas before looking to the camera, "Anyway, on behalf of UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, this is Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you-"
But before he could close out this episode though, a cold arctic blast started to burst out of the windows, blasting both Sean and Lucas out of their couches in retaliation.
"W-w-w-what the… what the hell was that?" Sean said to Lucas, shivering from the cold wind..
"I don't know, but whatever's causing all of this, you're on your own, broski!" Lucas patted Sean on the shoulder before taking off in a flash.
"Wait a minute, don't leave me like this!" Sean shouted to Lucas, who was now off-screen, "What the hell am I supposed to do without you?"
Once again, another cold arctic blast comes in, but this time, a DVD case comes flying and hitting Sean right upside his head in the process.
"Ow, my aching head." Sean groaned in pain, "What the hell just hit me?"
He soon rubs his head all before picking up the DVD case that hit him not too long ago, all before making his eyes bulge at the first title he sees:
Batman & Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero
Sean then looked at the camera once more, saying with a big gulp forming in his throat, "Oh, winter is coming indeed…"
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Snap into a Slim Jim!
And that is all for the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Special thanks to my friend UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for working on the new chapter with me and helping me out with a few commercials. So, which commercial is your favorite in the new chapter? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, December is here and Sean reviews a chilling movie for Winter, and that movie is Batman/Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero and sees if it's a better Batman movie than Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.