The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic kicks off Stallone Month when he takes a look at the 1982 film First Blood, a little guilty pleasure that kicks ass. Now sit back, relax and get ready to enjoy Stallone Month.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. First Blood is owned by Anabasis Investments, N.V. and Orion Pictures (Way back when. But it's now owned by LionsGate)
Stallone Month Part 1: First Blood
We see our favorite movie Sean a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic on his couch wearing his white Xavier sweatshirt while wearing his glasses on his face and his red Miami University baseball cap on top of his head.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said while smirking. "Hey, guys! It's January! You know what that means? I just made up another silly celebration! That's right, welcome to Stallone Month!"
(The Stallone song by Eric Bert plays out as we get the Stallone Month introduction with clips of Sylvester Stallone in his movies and images of him with Sean's head superimposed over his. The two characters are John Rambo and Marion "Cobra" Cobretti. Then clips from his movies are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Ah, good old Sly. I am a big fan of your movies. I mean come on, how can you not like Stallone? He's one of the most awesome action film stars ever. He likes to shoot at stuff, beat people up, blow shit up. He's a hero to us all. You have some of his big hit movies and some of his movies are pure shit. We love you, Sly. We all love you, no matter how good or bad your movies are.
"And to start off Stallone Month, I know that there's a lot of his films to choose from and I picked the first film to start off this celebration. Ooh, I know… FIRST BLOOD!" Sean exclaimed.
(The title screen for First Blood is shown, as a crowd of people can be heard booing at Sean's choice)
"Wait, wait a minute. Hold on, hold on." Sean said as the crowd stop booing at him. "Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I freaking love First Blood. It's one of my favorite Stallone movies ever . To me, this is the best Stallone movie since Rocky. But I might have a couple of nitpicks about the movie."
(Clips from the movie are shown while Dan Hill's "It's a Long Road" starts playing)
Sean: (Narrating) Look, even though that this is a really good movie that defined the greatest action hero, it still has some silly moments for me to talk about. We have explosions, shootings and we got Stallone! A little backstory on the movie, it's based on the 1972 novel by Canadian-American author David Morrell. Now, while Rocky was an Oscar-powerhouse of the 70s and Stallone films were suddenly in demand. You know with films like F.I.S.T. and Paradise Alley. They weren't doing all that well. Except for the Rocky movies. But when Stallone starred in First Blood as the lead character John Rambo, the movie became the savior of Stallone's acting career.
"So put on your sleeveless shirt, your red headband and grab your machine gun, this is First Blood."
(The movie opens as we see John Rambo going to see his old army buddy)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins in Podunk, U.S.A., where we see Vietnam War veteran John Rambo played by Sylvester Stallone is trying to adjust to civilian life while tracking down one of his old army buddies from his unit
Mrs. Barry: Delmar's gone.
Rambo (Played by Sylvester Stallone): What time will he be back?
Mrs. Barry: He died.
"So, he'll be back after he gets back from work or what? What am I looking at here?" Sean asked while imitating Rambo.
Rambo: Died. How?
Mrs. Barry: Cancer. Brought it back from Nam. All that orange stuff they spreaded around. Cut him down to nothing.
"What she's talking about was Agent Orange. A toxic herbicide that they used to clear the jungles of Vietnam to make spotting enemies easier. Well from what I've read about Agent Orange while doing research for this movie, up to four million in Vietnam were exposed to it and people suffered illnesses and disabilities due to Agent Orange and the use of Agent Orange in Vietnam resulted in legal consequences." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, his last best friend in the war is dead as well. Thus, Rambo continues his long walk down the long road and he enters the small town of Hope… (A photo of Hope County from the video game Far Cry 5 is shown) You wish. Because I would pay good money to see Rambo killing the shit out of Joseph Seed and his cult. No, actually this is Hope, Washington. Here we're introduced to the sheriff of the town Will Teasle, played by Brian Dennehy.
(A clip from South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut is shown)
Brian Dennehy: Did someone say my name?
Stan Marsh (Voiced by Trey Parker) Who are you?
Brian Dennehy: I'm Brian Dennehy.
Kyle Broflovski (Voiced by Matt Stone): What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!
Stan Marsh: Get the fuck out of here!
Brian Dennehy: Oh, bye.
(He leaves)
Sean: (Narrating) He spots Rambo entering his town and he has a few choice words for him.
Sheriff Will Teasle (Played by Brian Dennehy): You know, wearing that flag on that jacket, looking the way you do, you're asking for trouble around here, friend.
"You see here in Hope, Washington, we don't take kindly to war veterans and we hate America. So go fuck yourself." Sean said, imitating Sheriff Teasle.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Teasle offers to help out Rambo by giving him a ride. He does this by being a complete prick and driving him out of town.
Rambo: You got someplace I can eat around here?
Sheriff Will Teasle: There's a diner about 30 miles up the highway.
Rambo: Is there any law against me getting something here?
Sheriff Will Teasle: Yeah, me.
"In this town I am the law." Sean said, imitating Teasle once more. "I don't want you eating in my town."
Sean: (Narrating) But when Rambo asks Sheriff Teasle why he's giving him such a hard time is because he doesn't want people like him in his town. So, he just drops him off at the city limits. But Rambo saw there a Wendy's a few blocks down and decides to head back into town. But Teasle spots him and intervenes.
Sheriff Will Teasle: All right, you're under arrest.
"What the hell for? All he was doing was just minding his own business and wanted to get something to eat. He didn't do anything wrong." Sean said.
Sheriff Will Teasle: Get your legs back. (Grabs Rambo's arm, but Rambo doesn't budge) Get 'em back. (Sighs) You know, you try to be nice to some people…
"Excuse me? What?! Nice. You call being a dick to people and running them out of your town being nice? Yeah, that's just like saying Adolf Hitler was a very nice guy or Emperor Palpatine is a very nice guy. Being nice. Dude, you're being a hypocritical asshole." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Teasle arrests Rambo for vagrancy, resisting arrest and carrying around a concealed weapon, so he takes him back to the police station and he tells the cruel head deputy Art Galt, played by the late Jack Starrett, to book him. And this happens.
Deputy Sgt. Art Galt (Played by the late Jack Starrett): Your name?
(Rambo looks at the bars on the window)
Deputy Sgt. Art Galt: Your name?
(Rambo starts to have a flashback of the torture he endured as a POW in Vietnam)
"Yeah, this triggers some very unpleasant flashbacks and giving Rambo a sudden case of some good old fashioned PTSD." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rambo, doesn't say anything because he knows that he's innocent, clams up. Well, only for this discount store David Caruso to grab his dog tag…
(An arrow points at David Caruso's character Mitch, saying that's actually David Caruso)
Sean: (Narrating) Holy shit! That's actually David Caruso. That's David Caruso in a Rambo movie. Also, I just like to point out that the entire police department is made up of assholes. Do they even know that they're dealing with a man who suffers from PTSD.
Sheriff Will Teasle: Listen, hard ass, as things stand right now, you're facing the ass end of a 90-day incarceration, plus a $250 fine, which you don't look to me like you could pay. At ten o'clock tomorrow morning, you're going up in front of that judge. And you think we're tough.
"Yeah, you clowns might think that you're tough but when he ends up snapping, you're going to be a bunch of pussies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Look, I know that they're assholes and all. It's not like they're going to start using some police brutality on him or…
(Galt beats Rambo with his nightstick)
Deputy Mitch (Played by David Caruso): Galt. What the fuck was that?
Deputy Sgt. Art Galt: Well, the man said clean him up. (Kicks Rambo) Clean him up.
"Jesus, what the fuck is with that guy?! You know what, I'm waiting for Rambo to just kill that guy. Because he just pisses me off." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After being beaten and sprayed with the water hose, the best thing for those idiot cops to do is to hold Rambo down and brandish a sharp object in his face. Are they out of their minds?! Do they even know what he's been through?! We see that Deputy Ward, played by Chris Mulkey, attempts to dry shave him, and this triggers another yet very unpleasant flashback.
(Rambo has another flashback to him being tortured. The VC commander cuts Rambo across the chest with the knife. Rambo screams and he loses control)
"Oh, now you're all dead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rambo goes apeshit and he starts kicking their asses and they're not trained to handle this kind of violence. Well, he goes fifty shades of insane when he goes Trevor Philips on their asses.
(Voice clips of Trevor Philips from Grand Theft Auto V starts playing while Rambo starts beating up on the deputies)
Trevor Philips (Voiced by Steven Ogg): You look ridiculous in that uniform./Let's be clear: only an idiot joins the cops./You're a dead fuck!
(Rambo escapes the police station and grabs a man off of his motorcycle)
Trevor Philips: Give me the fucking bike!
"Yeah, Rambo's possessed by Trevor Philips." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get a tense chase scene between Rambo and Sheriff Teasle in a scene that reminds me of Grand Theft Auto V. The chase leads into the outskirts of town and down into the wilderness before the terrain gets a little rough for the two of them in their vehicles but Rambo manages to get away from his pursuer.
Sheriff Will Teasle: (Yells) I know you can hear me. You're finished. You've gone as far as you're gonna go. You hear me?
"I'M GONNA KEEP SHOUTING UNTIL EVERYONE CAN HEAR ME!" Sean shouts.
Sean: (Narrating) While trying to get away from the cops, Rambo gets cold because he forgot to stop at Old Navy or the Carhartt store to get himself a coat, so he makes himself a little makeshift coat instead so he can stay warm in cold temperatures. And at this point of the movie, this turns into Predator but in reverse. Call it a reverse Predator. You have the small group of individuals hunting that one person, and yet they're the one's hunting Rambo down.
"Oh, great. Now I'll have to add in a little Fugitive reference." Sean said.
(Clips of The Fugitive are then spliced into clips of First Blood)
Deputy Marshall Samuel Gerard (Played by Tommy Lee Jones): All right, listen up, ladies and gentlemen, our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area.
"Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is John J. Rambo. Go get him." Sean said, imitating Samuel Gerard.
Sean: (Narrating) The deputies are on the hunt for Rambo as our hero makes his way into the woods. Then, he finds himself running out of trail and decides to climb his way down a steep cliff until all of a sudden Galt arrives in a helicopter and armed with a rifle as he tries to kill Rambo.
(Galt opens fire on Rambo. Teasle and the other deputies hear the gunfire)
Sheriff Will Teasle: What the hell's going on?
Pilot (Played by Chuck Tamburro): What are you doing? We're just supposed to spot him.
Deputy Sgt. Art Galt: Hold it steady.
Pilot: I can't. We're in a thermal draft. Jesus, Galt, he's stuck there. He can't go anyplace.
Deputy Sgt. Art Galt: If you don't fly this thing right, I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you.
"And apparently Galt just wants to defy orders because he's an asshole." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As Galt continues to shoot at him, Rambo isn't having that and takes a page out of Tom Petty's survival guide.
(The song "Free Fallin" by Tom Petty plays as Rambo leaps off the cliff and into some trees, injuring himself)
"And Rambo gets fucked up from the fall." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cornered by Galt, Rambo takes cover behind the tree while the sadistic deputy shoots at him. And taking lessons from Killer Croc, Rambo picks up a rock and throws it at the helicopter, resulting in…
(Rambo throws a rock at the helicopter, hitting the helicopter's windshield. The helicopter pitches, which causes Galt to fall to his death to the jagged rocks below as the scene pauses)
(A sound clip from Iron Man 3 plays)
Tony Stark (Played by Robert Downey Jr.): You know what keeps going through my head? Where's my sandwich?
(The scene plays as we see Galt fall to his death)
"Yes! And we see somebody getting killed and it was the sadistic asshole!" Sean cheered. "But then you realize that this is the only person that Rambo killed in this movie. Don't worry, in the sequels he kills a lot of people. In this one, Galt got what he deserved."
Sean: (Narrating) Rambo then loots Galt's corpse by taking his gun and jacket and he stitches up his arm after that landing. Teasle and the other deputies arrive only to find a dead Galt with his brain matter splattered all over the rocks as Rambo shows up…
(Rambo arrives and raises his arms up so he can turn himself in)
"Only to turn himself in? Well, this is going to be one short movie." Sean said.
Rambo: There's one man dead. It's not my fault. I don't want any more hurt.
Sheriff Will Teasle: Freeze. Stand right where you are. Give yourself up.
Rambo: But I didn't do anything.
Sheriff Will Teasle: I'm warning you, boy. Don't make a move or I'll blow your head off.
Rambo: I didn't do anything.
(Teasle and the deputies open fire on Rambo. One of the bullets graze Rambo in the head as he retreats)
"Are you idiots stupid? Couldn't you just go down there first and arrest him instead of shooting at him? Well, they can't because they're assholes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But a man is dead and Teasle's not happy. Then Deputy Lester, played by the late Alf Humphreys. You know, Rowley Jefferson's dad from Diary of a Wimpy Kid, gives Teasle some interesting information about the guy they were messing around with and try to kill.
Deputy Lester (Played by the late Alf Humphreys): John Rambo is a Vietnam vet. He's a Green Beret. Congressional Medal of Honor. Guy's a war hero.
Deputy Ward (Played by Chris Mulkey): Jesus, that freak?
Deputy Mitch: I knew there was something about that guy.
"Yeah, you guys made the biggest mistake of your lives." Sean said.
Deputy Balford (Played by Michael Talbott): Those Green Berets. They're real bad asses.
Deputy Mitch: Why don't you let the state police handle this?
(Teasle glares at Mitch and grabs him, then takes him to see Galt's bloody corpse)
Sheriff Will Teasle: Come here, boy. Come here, goddammit! (Slaps Mitch's hat off of his head and grabs him by his hair, making him look at Galt) Look, look at him, look at him! That's Art Galt, boy. He and I were friends when your mama was still wiping your nose. Now he's dead. He's dead because of that psycho out there.
"No, he's dead because of you. You should've left Rambo alone so he can get himself something to eat. But no. You had to go and fuck with the only guy who's gonna end up killing you." Sean said.
(We cut to Rambo setting up some booby traps. Rambo is shown sharpening a stick for one of his traps)
Sean: (Narrating) As Rambo prepares to set up some traps for his victims, Teasle and the other deputies Balford played by Michael Talbott from Miami Vice, Ward, Mitch, Shingleton played by David Crowley and the dog man named Orval played by the late John McLiam respectively, hunt down Rambo so they can avenge their fallen deputy.
Deputy Mitch: It's gonna storm. That's all we need now. Will, come on, let's get out of here before it gets too dark.
Deputy Ward: What's the matter? Are you afraid of the bogeyman? You goddamn pansy.
"Hey, hey, hey! Don't be throwing shade at my boy Michael Myers." Sean said as he points straight at the camera before a photo of Michael Myers pops up.
(Teasle, the deputies and Orville come across a decoy of Rambo as Orville let's one of his dogs loose on him. Rambo shoots and kills Orville's dog, then shoots Orville in the leg)
Sean: (Narrating) Rambo makes a decoy of himself and ends up shooting one of Orville's dogs and shoots Orville in the leg. And then he ends up killing another one of Orville's dogs. Again, dogs don't count.
(A clip from L.A. Noire is shown)
Capt. James Donnelly (Voiced by Andrew Connolly): You disappoint me, Cole Phelps.
Sean: (Narrating) And then Deputy Mitch makes a great point.
Deputy Mitch: We ain't hunting him. He's hunting us.
"Yeah, you guys messed with the wrong Green Beret. Which means that you're so dead in a couple of minutes. For those of you sitting in the front row, better wear a poncho because it's gonna get bloody at this point." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After Rambo takes out two dogs... such a disappointment, Teasle and the other deputies spread out to search for the human killing machine, until he ends up ambushing them.
(Mitch screams as a camouflaged Rambo jumps out of the bushes and stabs Mitch in the upper thigh)
"Christ, man! John Rambo, Vietnam veteran and bunghole stabber!" Sean exclaimed.
(Mitch getting stabbed in the upper thigh is shown again, this time with the sound effect of Tom's scream from Tom & Jerry)
Sean: (Narrating) So, Rambo hunts down the deputies and just to make this very clear, does not kill them. Heck, we see one of the deputies getting a case of the stupids.
(Balford sees Rambo and opens fire, but Rambo manages to duck out of the way as the bullet hits Ward in the shoulder)
Deputy Balford: I got him!
Sean: (Narrating and laughs) Wait a minute, did he just shoot one of his own men?
(Cut to Balford shooting at Rambo but ends up hitting Ward after Rambo ducks out of the way)
(We see Deputy Balford getting injured by one of Rambo's traps by getting impaled in the legs by the Punji sticks and Deputy Shingleton getting tied to a tree, wounded)
Sean: (Narrating) Man, he must've been taking lessons from the Stormtroopers. Luckily, the other deputies get injured by one of Rambo's traps. And Rambo gives Teasle a little warning.
Rambo: (While holding Teasle at knifepoint) Don't push it. Don't push it, or I'll give you a war you won't believe. Let it go. Let it go.
(Rambo moves the knife away from Teasle's throat and leaves)
The song "Let It Go" from Frozen starts playing in the background as Sean hears the song playing.
"No, no, no! Stop it!" Sean yelled out as the song starts playing. "God, I cannot believe that I made a Frozen joke in 2020."
(We cut to Teasle crying)
Sean: (Narrating) That's one way of making Brian Dennehy a whiny, little bitch. And this guy plays tough guys in movies.
(We see a huge crowd of cops and reporters on the scene)
Sean: (Narrating) A huge crowd of cops arrive on the scene as Captain Kern, played by Bill McKinney, tells Teasle to relax. But Teasle is not the one to relax as he vows to get Rambo for making him a little bitch. Then, Deputy Lester tells Teasle that Mitch told him that Galt and the other deputies were being hostile towards Rambo.
Captain Kern (Played by the late Bill McKinney): Assholes.
Sheriff Will Teasle: Doesn't make one goddamn bit of difference, Dave, and you know it. Look, if one of my deputies gets out of line with a prisoner, then the prisoner comes to me with it. And if I find out it's like he says, I kick the deputy's ass. Me, the law! That's the way it's got to be. If people start fucking around with the law, and all hell breaks loose.
"That's the Grand Theft Auto video games in a nutshell for ya." Sean said.
Sheriff Will Teasle: Whatever possessed God in heaven to make a man like Rambo?
Col. Samuel Trautman (Played by the late Richard Crenna): God didn't make Rambo. I made him.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to Colonel Trautman, played by Richard Crenna, he explains to Teasle to what Rambo is capable of because he made him.
Col. Samuel Trautman: I didn't come here to rescue Rambo from you. I came here to rescue you from him.
"Fun fact: in the book, Trautman was sent to kill him because he was the man who trained him. But this is the movie, he's here not to kill Rambo." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Trautman then gives the most awesome speech about how they're royally screwed if they keep going after him.
Sheriff Will Teasle: Are you telling me that 200 men against your boy is a no-win situation for us?
Col. Samuel Trautman: You send that many, don't forget one thing.
Sheriff Will Teasle: A good supply of body bags.
(A clip from Regular Show is shown)
Mordecai and Rigby (Voiced by J.G. Quintel and William Salyers): OOOOOOHHHHHH!
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of Rambo, we see him doing some good 'ol fashioned hunting for some food.
(Rambo sees a pig and kills it with his knife attached to a stick after pouncing at it)
"You won't be eating any more bugs, Pumbaa." Sean said, imitating Rambo.
Sean: (Narrating) He hides out in an abandoned mine shaft as the State Police try to contact Rambo while he's taking a little nap. But then Trautman manages to contact him. Uh, if you want to get John out, why don't get this guy to do the job.
(A clip from Die Hard is shown followed by a clip from First Blood)
Harry Ellis (Played by Hart Bochner): Hey, John boy.
(We cut to Teasle and Trautman while a gunshot is heard)
"Oooh. Yeah, bad idea to be sending a guy who's high off from coke and has too much Joker venom in his system." Sean said.
Rambo: They're all gone, sir.
Sheriff Will Teasle: It's him. It's him. Get on it.
Col. Samuel Trautman: Rambo, are you all right? Over.
"Boy, Trautman was really lucky to contact Rambo. And to think that Rambo would hold out a little longer." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rambo and Trautman speak to each other and we see that the two of them are good friends and their conversation covers the fact that he's the last survivor of his squad and he refuses to surrender himself, letting him know that (in a childish voice) they started it.
Rambo: They drew first blood, not me.
"Again, in other words, they started it!" Sean said in a childish voice.
"He's got a point, they did start it, not letting him get anything to eat, treating him like some intruder." Brian pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Because of their radio conversation, police manage to get a location to where Rambo is hiding out at, so the next morning they send a group of Weekend Warriors a.k.a. the National Guard to hunt him down. So now, we see who going to end up hunting who.
(Rambo pulls out his knife after seeing a young boy with a rifle)
"Oh." Sean said.
(We cut to Rambo getting ready to kill the boy)
"Uh, maybe that kid's going to be a cast member on You Can't Do That On Television. Or just like John McClane, he's the wrong guy at the wrong place at the wrong time." Sean said.
(A clip from Die Hard 2: Die Harder is shown)
John McClane: The story of my life.
Sean: (Narrating) Rambo doesn't kill the kid, he just spares him and runs off. This gives away his position as the National Guard find him and drive him to an abandoned mineshaft, which leads to an intense shootout.
(We see the National Guard shooting at Rambo while he's taking cover. Rambo then opens fire on the National Guard as they take cover)
"Okay, he didn't even hit anybody while keeping his aim leveled while firing full auto, plus he fired from the hip without aiming down his sights. Okay, that was pretty impressive. Sometimes, I tend to fire from the hip and aim down my sights while playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But firing at full auto eats up the ammunition, in that case Rambo is out of bullets, which means it's time for the Weekend Warriors to move in and…
Lt. Morgen (Played by Patrick Stack): Come on, guys. Shoot. Come on. (Sees that they're doing nothing) You guys are great. All right, Steve.
Guardsman #1 (Played by Stephen E. Miller): Yo.
Lt. Morgen: You and Bruce, head around these trees, go to the front of that mine.
Guardsman #1: Screw that, Clinton. I ain't going up there.
Guardsman #5 (Played by Bruce Greenwood): No way.
Lt. Morgen: Raymond.
Guardsman #2 (Played by Raimund Stamm): What?
Lt. Morgen: I want you to go into that mine.
Guardsman #2: Oh, not me.
Lt. Morgen: What do you mean "not me"?
Guardsman #2: Look, I do this part time. I didn't come here to get killed. Now, he's probably in there just waiting for us. What's wrong with you, Clinton?
"Man, Carlos Mencia was right about the National Guard. They can't do shit. And Rambo made them a bunch of pussies." Sean chuckled a bit.
Sean: (V/O) Dear fellow readers, I am not trying to disrespect our fellow soldiers who serve in the military and the National Guard. This is just a joke that I am playing for laughs. I too have members in my family who served in the military and in the Air Force. If you have people in your family serving in the military, I would like to thank them for their service. Again, not trying to offend anyone, it was something that I heard from Mind of Mencia that I was referencing. Does anyone still remember that show? We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.
Sean: (Narrating) With the National Guard fearing for their lives because they're dealing with John J. Rambo, so they resort to Plan B. What's Plan B? Firing a disposable M72 LAW rocket launcher at him.
(One of the guardsmen fire a rocket launcher at Rambo, collapsing the mine and seemingly killing him)
Lt. Morgen: Yeah! Give that man a cigar!
Guardsman #6 (Played by Earl Klein): Bull's-eye!
(We see the words "You're Dead" written on the screen while music from South Park: The Fractured But Whole plays)
Sean: (V/O as announcer) You're dead.
(We fade to black as the credits roll while the song "It's a Long Road" starts playing)
The record scratches as Sean laughs a bit.
"I'm sorry. I had to do that joke. Don't worry, he's not dead." Sean said.
(We see Rambo escaping through the tunnels inside the mine)
Sean: (Narrating) Actually, he just escaped through the tunnels because he's Rambo, dammit! He has his ways of escaping. He finds some leftover resources and makes his way out of the mine while braving what dangers he may approach.
(A bunch of rats start ganging up and attacking Rambo while wading through waist-deep water)
"Uh, are rats supposed to start ganging up and attacking humans like that? I guess Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade ripped this movie off." Sean said. "Oh, yeah. In the book, it was bats."
(We cut to Teasle and Trautman in a bar having a drink)
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Teasle and Trautman believe that Rambo is dead, so they try to make amends with each other by having a drink and we see that Teasle is trying to be a little sympathetic, but he still questions Colonel Trautman's motivations.
Sheriff Will Teasle: I mean, what would you have done with him if he came in? Would you wrap your arms around him and give him a big sloppy kiss? Or would you blown his brains out?
"Teasle, please. Don't give anyone any ideas for any male slash fanfics about Rambo and Trautman." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of Rambo, he eventually manages to find an exit to the mine undetected and spots a National Guard caravan. Now, all he has to do is to lay low and…
(Rambo jumps onto the roof of a speeding truck driven by a guardsman. He then gets in and threatens the soldier with his signature knife)
Rambo: Drive.
(The driver looks at Rambo)
Rambo: Don't look at me, look at the road. That's how accidents happen.
"Jesus, Rambo. You call that laying low? That's something that Trevor Phillips from Grand Theft Auto V would do." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And what do you know, Rambo hijacks a truck filled with weapons. Yep, a total Trevor Phillips moves. After kicking the driver out, Rambo proceeds to move on out but it doesn't take long for word to come back that Rambo is alive and he's wrecking some havoc.
(A police car goes after the truck as the police officer shoots at Rambo. Rambo hits the police car, causing it to drive into a parked car, which causes an explosion)
"Don't worry, they're not dead. That doesn't count. Although, they will be having some broken bones. Maybe a broken neck or they're probably paralyzed from the waist down. Who knows?" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Rather than taking the opportunity to drive off as fast as he can, our hero braves gunfire as he drives through the police roadblock and makes his way into Hope, Washington, which this journey takes him to nightfall. That must've been a long drive. He stops off at a gas station and crashes into the gas pumps. So, he grabs his M60 heavy machine gun, ignites the gasoline and sets the gas station to explode.
(The gas station starts to explode as Teasle, Lester and Preston look on from the police station)
Deputy Lester: Holy fuck!
"Don't worry, that's just a 24-hour establishment that just blew up. I'm pretty sure whoever's working there is still alive, or that he's coming out with some pretty severe burns." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As Rambo brings the war into Hope, Teasle orders the civilians to stay inside and he loads up to prepare for the human killing machine and when Trautman arrives, he starts to bitch at him some more.
Sheriff Will Teasle: We found Rambo's body. As a matter of fact, it stole an army truck, blew up a gas station near the other side of town.
Col. Samuel Trautman: The kid is resilient. Why don't you forget what you're thinking and clear out while you can.
Sheriff Will Teasle: Get the fuck outta here, Trautman, and you take your advice with you. When I talked to you earlier this afternoon, you knew he was still alive, didn't you?
"Dude, who the hell do you think he is John Smith from The Dead Zone? He's not psychic. No, he didn't actually know that he was still alive but no one actually knew that he was actually dead. Now that was the problem." Sean said.
Col. Samuel Trautman: You're gonna die, Teasle.
Sheriff Will Teasle: Everybody dies.
Col. Samuel Trautman: There's only one man in this room that's got half a chance. That's not because I'm better than he is. That's because he trusts me. See, I'm the closest thing to family he has left, and that may be all the edge I need.
Sheriff Will Teasle: Jesus Christ, where do you people come from? Now, this is my job, Trautman. This is my town. And I'm not giving it up to you or Rambo or anybody else. Now, you just stay the hell out of my way.
(Teasle leaves his office)
"Okay, since you're gonna die we have this body bag specially made for you and it has your name on it and I have an eulogy for your funeral written for you." Sean said as he puts on his glasses and looks at his tablet. "It says what a total prick you were and you deserve to burn in Hell with Galt."
Sean: (Narrating) As Teasle moves up to the roof of the police station for a better chance to take Rambo out, and what better way for Rambo to be an awesome strategist in battle, he knocks out the power by shooting at the transformers on the town's power lines and since this movie doesn't have enough explosions, Rambo goes to a local gun shop and throws down a bunch of ammo and pours gunpower on the ground and so forth, which gives us a pretty impressive fireworks display and this also gives out Teasle's position to Rambo. And then he does this.
(Rambo shoots up the police station)
"This'll teach those soldier hatin' pig who not to mess with me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sean screamed out, imitating Rambo.
Sean: (Narrating) Rambo enters the police station to look for Teasle, who's still up on the roof waiting for him. Teasle tries to shoot at Rambo but misses. Then, Rambo has the advantage and shoots through the ceiling, injuring Teasle and making him fall through the skylight and onto the floor. And just when Rambo prepares to finish him off, Trautman comes in to talk him out of it and Rambo is just about ready to snap.
Col. Samuel Trautman: It's over, Johnny. It's over!
Rambo: Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off!
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get one of the best and yet emotional scenes ever where Rambo rants about how adjusting to civilian life is hard and the general public thinks he's scum for serving his country and he couldn't hold a simple job. And then he recalls on how his one friend died, and this shows off Stallone's acting chops.
Rambo: (Crying) Nobody would help! He's saying, "I wanna go home, I wanna go home.". He keeps calling my name. "I wanna go home, Johnny. I wanna drive my Chevy.". I said, "Why? I can't find your fucking legs. I can't find your legs.". I can't get it out of my head. I dream it seven years. Every day I have this. Sometimes I wake up, I don't know where I am. I don't talk to anybody. Sometimes a day. Sometimes a week. I can't put it out of my mind.
(A clip from Last Man Standing is shown)
Vanessa Baxter (Played by Nancy Travis): (Crying) Can I look up now? Because I want to hug you, and I don't want to miss.
Sean: (Narrating) And our story closes, not by murder/suicide like in the book or suicide in the film's original ending, I mean what you explain the four sequels if he dies? Instead, Rambo turns himself in and the chaos is finally over.
(The song "It's a Long Road" plays while the credits roll as we see an arrested Rambo being escorted by Trautman and the state police)
"And that was First Blood and it KICKS ASS!" Sean yelled out.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) I was a bit surprised that the critical reception of the film was mixed. I know the plot was pretty damn good but my only problem is Sheriff Teasle's motives are unrealistic but it's still an awesome movie. Stallone does a excellent job with this iconic character. Whether he's silently kicking ass or just having an emotional dialogue. Richard Crenna is pretty good as Col. Trautman and Brian Dennehy is enjoyable as the villain you just love to hate. Hey, he did play an awesome villain in the movie Silverado. The action is shot beautifully and all of it is realistic. For you nostalgic action film buffs looking for an awesome action movie, this is the one to check it out. First Blood comes in at four Rambo knives out of five.
"God bless you, First Blood and all of your awesomeness. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and there's more Stallone Month on the way." Sean said as he briefly dances to the "Stallone" song in his seat before he leaves.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- They drew first blood, not me.
And that's all for the first review of Stallone Month for The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed the review of First Blood. Next time, Sean continues Stallone Month as he takes a look at another one of Stallone's iconic characters, Rocky Balboa. Which means that he'll be reviewing Rocky IV. Originally, it was going to be both Rocky IV and Rocky V in the same review and originally, it was going to be Rocky V. But instead, its going to be Rocky IV. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time for more Stallone Month. Till next time, my fellow readers.