The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and Stallone Month continues. When we last left off, Sean started Stallone Month by reviewing First Blood. Today, Sean continues Stallone Month when he takes a look at the weirdest installment in the Rocky franchise, Rocky IV. So, let's take a look at what Sean sees in store like robots, absurd plotlines and over-the-top fights in the next chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sit back, relax and enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Rocky IV is owned by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and United Artists.
Stallone Month 2: Rocky IV
We open with our favorite critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting in his living
room on his couch wearing his red Addidas shirt and his red Miami University baseball cap. He is seen with a smile on his face as he prepares to talk about today's topic.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And seeing how we're still in the middle of Stallone Month…" Sean said before the introduction to Stallone Month starts.
(The opening of "Stallone Month" with the "Stallone" song starts playing in the background briefly)
"Oh, great. I'm gonna have to put up with that all month, don't I?" Sean asked himself, rolling his eyes a bit.
"Oh, believe me. YOU have to." Said a voice off-screen.
It wasn't until Sean turned to the left to see Lucas, aka UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, right at the doorway wearing a yellow jacket, black beanie cap, black jeans and white shoes. He even had a whistle around his neck to blow, which he did getting Sean's attention.
"Well, nice of you to show up, Lucas." Sean replied before asking, "May I ask WHY you're dressed like Mickey from the Rocky series?"
Lucas then chuckled before saying, "Good question, Sean. Since a little sucker told me you were gonna review one of the Rocky movies today-"
"Which I am." Sean said, cutting him off.
"Hey, who's doin' the talking here?" Lucas replied as Sean pointed out to him, "That's right. Anyway, since you're reviewing one of the Rocky movies today, I figured that it is my best interest in you that I help you train for this review. You're gonna sweat, you're gonna bleed, heck, even in the words of Mickey Goldmill himself, you're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!"
Sean then gasped a little before uttering out, "But Lucas, I'm hardly even capable of doing-"
"Ah, you'll do fine! Let's get you trainin' for that review!" Lucas shouted, all before he grabbed Sean's shirt and dragged him out of the house.
The scene then switched to a montage of clips, mostly showing Lucas training Sean through various tasks while at the same time the Training Montage theme from Rocky IV is playing in the background. The first task they do is punching out the meat inside a frozen meat locker, which Sean does right away while his trainer Lucas is holding out the meat at the same time.
"C'mon, Sean, punch that big ass brisket!" Lucas exclaimed, "Beat that meat just like Johnny Sins!"
"I'm trying to, this meat's hard as shit!" Sean cried out a little in pain.
"Yep, just like what Alura Jenson said in that Brazzers video!" Lucas smirked as Sean continued to punch the raw brisket.
The next task they do in the montage was Sean running down a good block of his neighborhood while he's trying to follow a golf cart that is ridden by both Brian and Lucas, who was shouting at him with a megaphone in hands. Sean, on the other hand, struggled to catch up.
"C'mon, step it up, tubbo." Lucas said with the megaphone, "You know the rules, no strip club until you complete those 10 laps."
"This is as fast I can go, all right?!" Sean shouted back.
"That's not what Nick Manning said to Veronica Rayne after the last movie they fucked!" Lucas shouted back, "He went all the way, like you can do. So put it in high gear and catch up!"
The next clip that was shown after that was Lucas cracking and pouring raw eggs down into a glass, which he gave to Sean.
"Okay, Sean, drink this." Lucas said, showing him the egg glass towards his face.
"Oh, hell no, I ain't drinkin' that!" Sean shook his head.
"Hey, you want to do the review, you gotta commit to training just like Rocky." Lucas replied.
"But there ain't no way I'm gonna drink something that came out of an ass!" Sean pointed at Lucas in defense.
"Tough shit!" Lucas said as he forced the glass toward Sean's entire throat, making him gulp the three entire eggs down on impact.
It wouldn't be long before Sean managed to get off of Lucas and head over to the sink, where he began to barf out the yolky remains in the process. The scene then converted to the next clip where Sean was doing pull-ups with a metal bar that two muscular men was holding up in the air. He struggled to do one little pushup though, concerning how high the bar was.
"C'mon, Sean, muscle yourself up!" Lucas said, pushing Sean to his limit.
"I can't!" Sean shook his head, "This bar is so high, I can hardly lift my chin to his bar!"
"Hey, male porn stars stay in tip-top shape with exercises like these!" Lucas shouted, "Now, c'mon, Sean! Don't get limp on me!"
Sean attempted to lift himself up, only to fall on the floor to the point where Lucas had to check up on him.
"See that, now you're getting limp!" Lucas groaned a little.
The next clip after that though was the part where Sean was attempting to jump rope, only through horrible results. Lucas saw that lack of display between his eyes, forcing him to blow his whistle right at Sean's face.
"Is that the best you can do?" Lucas replied, "I swear, a newborn baby could jump rope better than you can!"
"I'm sorry, it's been a while since I've done any jump roping!" Sean cried out in pain.
"Then, quit being a baby and be man enough to jump that dadgum rope!" Lucas said, blowing his whistle once more.
Sean attempted to jump rope, only for him to fall flat on his face very painfully.
"Damn, that's gotta be a hard faceplant." Lucas cringed a little.
The clips began to play over and over again, with Sean starting to get a little better at every task. The same clips continued at a record 20 times, only for the last five to result in Sean punching the meat inside the meat locker successfully, followed by Sean running very fast like The Flash to the point where he ran past through the golf cart he was chasing. Next, he then successfully cracked and poured down the eggs into a glass, all before putting them in a frying pan to cook. After that, he then started to successfully do the chin-ups that he needed to do with the high bar raised, all before finally ending the montage with Sean finally jump roping without no rest at all, but it turned out that he was actually doing double dutch rope with the neighborhood girls down the street.
The montage music soon died out with Sean finally coming home looking beat and exhausted as ever, even going so far to collapse on the couch while getting enough strength to look at the camera and say, "Okay… that wore me out. Where… where we're we? Oh, yeah, Rocky IV! Damn, I need a drink."
(Clips of the movie Rocky IV began to play in a montage to the tune of Survivor's "Burning Heart" while Sean began speaking.)
Sean (Narrating): Anyway, Rocky IV… man, I'm running out of breath here… moving on, Rocky IV was released in theaters around November 27, 1985 and it was developed by MGM and directed by you guessed it, Sylvester Stallone. For those of you who weren't born around that time, I'll give you a quick rundown of the series: The series chronicles the life of a boxer by the name of Rocky Balboa, a man from the streets of Philadelphia who makes the impossible possible by challenging the Heavyweight Champion of the world Apollo Creed in an unbelievable match that goes throughout an entire 15 rounds. That of course was the first Rocky though that came out in 1976. That matchup between Rocky and Creed was so good, we got a rematch in the form of Rocky II, which came out in June 15, 1979. Only this time, the result would be different as Rocky finally defeated Creed to become the one goal in life that had eluded him from the original: Being the world heavyweight champion of boxing. Yes, he would take on all comers for his belt, that prowess being showcased in the film that is considered to be one of the best Rocky films of the franchise, Rocky III. That film not also gave us the presence of wrestling legend Hulk Hogan as Thunderlips…
(A clip of Rocky III is shown, featuring Hulk Hogan as Thunderlips.)
Adrian Balboa (Played by Talia Shire): Oh, my God.
Thunderlips (Played by Hulk Hogan): The ultimate male versus the ultimate meatball. (Laughs)
Rocky Balboa (Played by Sylvester Stallone): (Turns to Paulie) Large, ain't he?
(We see Thunderlips beating up Rocky in the ring)
Mickey Goldmill (Played by the late Burgess Meredith): Run for your life!
Thunderlips: Blast off, meatball!
(Thunderlips throws Rocky into the corner of the ring)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie also gave us the most menacing movie villain in the history of movies. Clubber Lang played by Mr. T in his feature film debut. And holy shit! He was awesome playing that character. When I watched Rocky III when I was young, Clubber Lang scared the crap out of me. Take a look at this scene and tell me you don't get scared by Mr. T wanting to bring you the pain.
Interviewer (Played by Mario Machado): What is your prediction for the fight?
Clubber Lang (Played by Mr. T): My prediction?
Interviewer: Yes, your prediction.
Clubber Lang: (Looks into the camera) Pain!
"Yeah, I literally ran out of the room when Mr. T looked into the camera and says the word "pain". Because it looked like he wants to beat me up instead of Rocky." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But the biggest highlight of the movie is the main theme, not Gonna Fly Now by Bill Conti, but the song Eye of the Tiger by the rock band Survivor, a song that was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Original Song.
(The song "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays while a montage of Rocky training with Apollo is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The song was pretty awesome and yes, there was a movie in 1986 simply titled "Eye of the Tiger" starring Gary Busey, that movie was awesome as well.
(The poster for the 1986 Gary Busey movie "Eye of the Tiger" is shown)
"So, after the continuing success of the Rocky film franchise and First Blood, people demanded yet another sequel to Rocky. And thus, Rocky IV was born." Sean said before sighing a bit. "And boy, this one is a goofy one."
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, fans of the Rocky film series consider this one to be the weirdest entry in the series and yes, it throws everything at you. You have muscle-flexing, montage-shoving, audience-shouting and words-slurring goodness coming right at you at full force. In this one, Rocky faces off against his greatest opponent yet, an enormous beast from the Soviet Union. Why Russians? Because they were the go-to bad guys in the 80s.
"So, let's get ready for some more montages and see the reigning champion of goofiness, this is Rocky IV." Sean said.
(The movie begins as we see two boxing gloves, one representing the U.S. and the other representing the Soviet Union while "Eye of the Tiger" plays)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with the familiar tune to Survivor's Eye of the Tiger as we see an extremely shiny boxing glove and another extremely shiny boxing glove, both representing the U.S. and the Soviet Union, colliding into each other and exploding. And like what the other films do, they open with the ending fight of the previous film, well after the fight in general as we see Rocky and Apollo, played by Sylvester Stallone and Carl "I'm on The Mandalorian" Weathers, having a little just for fun behind closed doors rematch. The same rematch that we've seen at the end of Rocky III. After that fun little rematch, we cut to the actual new footage, we see that Rocky returns home where his son Rocky Jr., played by Rocky Krakoff, awaits him with a video camera.
Rocky Jr. (Played by Rocky Krakoff): Where'd you get that hat?
Rocky Balboa: Ah, a friend gave it to me. Like it?
Rocky Jr.: Who punched you in the eye?
Rocky Balboa: Same friend.
"Okay, I don't know if that kid was called "Rocky" at the time, but from what I've read from his IMDB profile, he was born Angelo Bruno Krakoff, but he was credited as "Rocky Krakoff". Um, how fast did he have that name changed?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Rocky's home just in time for Paulie's birthday party. Paulie, played by Burt Young, has been waiting impatiently for Rocky and Rocky has a little gift for him.
Rocky Balboa: I'm so excited, in fact, I'm starting to sweat. I feel like I'm getting into a big fight or something.
"Hmm, I wonder what Paulie is getting for his birthday. I bet it's a new car. Is it a Ferrari?" Sean asked.
(A robot rolls out with a birthday cake to present Paulie with while synthesized music plays)
Sico the Robot (Voiced by Robert Doornick): Happy birthday, Paulie.
We cut back to Sean, who makes a look on his face from what he just saw before pulling out a bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey.
"Yeah, I needed the bottle. We're five minutes in and I've just stumbled across the biggest WTF mofo moment in the entire series." Sean said.
Paulie Pennino (Played by Burt Young): What the hell is this?
Rocky Jr.: Your present.
Paulie Pennino: Yo, I wanted a sports car for my birthday, not no walking trashcan.
Sean: (Narrating) You can't be serious, movie. A fucking robot in a Rocky movie! Hey, it's like putting a trumpet player in Goodfellas or a giant stuffed teddy bear that talks in The Outsiders, it's just pure insanity. Jeez, this movie went from being an Academy Award-winning powerhouse about a boxer going the distance and now this successful film series has turned into a goofy sci-fi flick.
"Alright, aside from joking about the robot. Here's a touching story about the robot, Stallone's youngest son Seargeoh, who's autistic by the way. The robot was written into the film to help treat his son. I just wanted to share this touching story about the robot. Now back to the robot in the movie, getting a robot for your birthday is like getting an Xbox One X for Christmas but instead Santa gives you a fucking Twilight Sparkle pony with a jetpack and a machine gun. It's cool and all, but seriously." Sean said.
(We cut to Rocky surprising Adrian with a cake to celebrate their anniversary)
Sean: (Narrating) Hey, you gotta hand it to Rocky, he is pretty efficient and all. Since he was in the market for cakes, he decided to get another cake for Adrian as well. A cake to celebrate their anniversary, which is only a week away.
Adrian Balboa: Has it been that rough? (Laughs)
(We see the figures of Rocky and Adrian with boxing gloves in the ring)
Rocky Balboa: (Laughing) Oh, no.
"Okay, I get the boxing ring and all and you being a heavyweight champion, but why would give your wife a cake depicting you and her beating the crap out of each other in the ring? It's like me asking the baker to make a cake and depict me force choking my girlfriend in the bedroom." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But anyway, we see that Rocky's life is perfect. But enough about Rocky, we learn that something dark and sinister and red is coming to invade the U.S of A. And that my friends are the Russians as they showcase their new fighter, Ivan Drago, who's also a former infantry captain. He's played by Dolph Lundgren. He's arrived from the Soviet Union with one mission in his life… to kick some American ass! He appears on television in a press conference, which Apollo catches on his poolside television.
Ludmilla Drago (Played by Bridgette Nielsen): (On television) Today, the Soviet Union has officially entered professional boxing. My husband and great undefeated heavyweight world amateur champion, Captain Ivan Drago, has come here with his trainers to America to compete as an international sportsman and ambassador of goodwill.
Sean: (Narrating) So here's the thing about Drago, he's a genetically-altered boxer. Call him, a Super Russian for Rocky to fight. So, his agent Nicoli Koloff played by our good friend Dr. Hoffman himself Michael Pataki, shows them a demonstration.
Nicoli Koloff (Played by Michael Pataki): A normal heavyweight averages a 700 pounds of pressure per square inch.
(Drago demonstrates a punch into a machine that measures pounds of pressure. The numbers go up to measure "1850 Psi")
Nicoli Koloff: Drago averages 1850 pounds, so the result is quite obvious. Whatever he hits... he destroys.
"Jesus, and I thought Clubber Lang was scary. But this guy is scary!" Sean pointed out. "Hell, he would easily kill Little Mac from Punch-Out with that hit."
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I forgot to mention that attractive blonde playing Ludmilla Drago is Danish actress and model Bridgette Nielsen. Yeah, she was married to Sylvester Stallone at the time and they both starred in the movie Cobra as well. And yes, she was also in Red Sonja and Beverly Hills Cop II.
Ludmilla Drago: (About Ivan) Like your Popeye, he ate his spinach every day.
"Yeah, this was before she dated that brainless twerp." Sean said as a photo of Sylvester Stallone pops up next to him before he notices and pushes it away. "No! Not that brainless twerp, the other brainless twerp with the big fuckin' clock that he wears around his neck!"
(Pictures of Flavor Flav and Bridgette Nielsen are being shown while rap music play in the background)
Sean: (V/O as Flavor Flav) Flavor Flav!
(Back to the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) I swear, Drago is like a friggin' monster for Stallone to beat, but I think that they're going with the John Henry-esqe man versus machine angle for the movie. Drago doesn't say anything in the movie. I'm sure he says a couple of words in the film but it's mostly him keeping his mouth shut and being menacing. (A photo of Drago from the 1996 movie Dragonheart is shown) Hell, Drago from Dragonheart didn't look that menacing. He looked fucking amazing and he had the voice of Sean Connery. In this one, Drago is a fatality waiting to happen.
Nicoli Koloff: Whatever he hits... he destroys.
"Remember the anime Fist of the North Star, it'll be just like that… only bloodier." Sean said, imitating Nicoli Koloff.
Sean: (Narrating) After watching this on television, Apollo calls up Rocky and heads over to his place. He admits to Rocky and Adrian that he wants to go up against the Russian giant and nothing can get in his way.
(Apollo doesn't have an immediate answer as he turns around and sees the robot enter the room while the song "Double or Nothing" by Kenny Loggins and Gladys Knight plays)
"Oh, goddamn it." Sean said as he covers his face with both hands.
Apollo Creed (Played by Carl Weathers): What the hell is that?
"That's Stallone letting the success go to his head or probably snorting some of it in his nose. Oh, did I mention that Stallone wrote this movie?" Sean asked.
Paulie Pennino: That's my girl.
(The robot gives Paulie his beer)
Paulie Pennino: Thanks, honey.
Robot: (With a female voice) You're welcome.
Paulie Pennino: That's a nice song.
Robot: It's my favorite. You're the greatest. See you, sport.
"Paulie gave the robot a female voice, seriously? And is he getting a metal handjob from that robot? You know what, nevermind. I don't want that disturbing image burned in my memory. Let's move on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Rocky and Apollo are watching old recordings of the good old days. Yeah, remember when the two of them were beating each other. Apollo feels that he's not getting the attention that he deserves and Rocky asks him an important question.
Rocky Balboa: Well, you know, this fight you're having against the Russian. Do you think maybe it ain't against him?
Apollo Creed: If it's not him, Stallion, then who's it against? (Chuckles)
Rocky Balboa: Well, do you think maybe it's, like, you against you? What do you think?
Apollo Creed: I don't think I want to hear this, Stallion.
Rocky Balboa: Oh, come on. Hey, Apollo, look, you were a great fighter, no doubt about that. But look, we gotta face the facts too. You don't want to believe it but maybe the show is over.
Apollo Creed: Man, that's easy for you to say. You're still on top.
"You got two "Rocky" movies, three "Rambo" movies and two movies with my son Adonis coming right at you, motherfucker, so you shut up." Sean said, imitating Apollo Creed.
Sean: (Narrating) Rocky tells Apollo that they're getting a little too old for this shit but Apollo doesn't want to change and he asks his best friend to stand by his side one last time and they announce it at a news conference that Apollo is going to fight Drago.
Reporter #1: Apollo, isn't Drago a little inexperienced to be in the same ring?
Apollo Creed: Well, you know, some folks got to learn the hard way!
Reporter #3: So, no quick knockout prediction?
Apollo Creed: No, no, no. I'm not angry with him. See, I just want to show the whole world that Russia doesn't have all the best athletes.
"Uh, Apollo, buddy. Russia has the best athletes. They have Maria Sharapova, Alexander Ovechkin, Sergei Fedorov, Anna Kournikova, Andrei Kirilenko. The list goes on and on. Okay, Russia sometimes has the best athletes." Sean said.
Reporter #3: Drago, how does it feel to spar with the great former champion?
(Drago doesn't say a word)
Apollo Creed: The man's tongue didn't come through customs.
(Everyone laughs)
Ludmilla Drago: My husband is very happy to have this opportunity. It's his dream.
Reporter #4: Dream? How do you mean?
Ludmilla Drago: In our country, Apollo Creed is well known and very respected. It could be a good victory.
(A few reporters groan in disapproval)
Apollo Creed: Whoa. Hey, wait a minute, now. Wait a minute. Hold it. Win?
"Look, I know that Drago couldn't speak a lick of English, but does his wife have to do all the smack talking for him?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And then it turns into a shouting match during the news conference because Russia decided to insult Apollo by calling him a has-been. And this is when shit gets serious.
(Drago knocks down a life-size cardboard cutout of Apollo while dark, ominous music plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Damn, Drago! What did the cardboard cutout of Apollo do to you? We cut to the night of the big fight, a very enthusiastic Apollo is ready to fight Ivan Drago and Rocky gives him a little pep talk.
Rocky Balboa: When you go up there, Apollo, try not to wear yourself out, okay?
Apollo Creed: (Chuckles) Yeah. Wear myself out. Sure.
Rocky Balboa: Well, it's just that you ain't been in the ring for like five years, so I just want you to maintain a little bit.
Apollo Creed: What are you talking about? You sound like I'm an old man. I'm in the best shape of my life. I'm stronger, I'm quicker.
Rocky Balboa: Well, hey, hey, I'm not saying you're not ready or anything, but personally if it were me, I wouldn't mind postponing a couple of weeks.
Apollo Creed: Postpone?
"Yes, Apollo. Listen to your friend. You might want to postpone the fight. But your friend waited too long to tell you at the wrong time to postone the fight. Fucking moron." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As a determined Ivan Drago gets ready for battle, Ludmilla wishes Apollo's wife Mary Anne, played by the late Sylvia Meals, good luck and hoping to be friends because their husbands are sportsman, not soldiers. In fact, here's the translation of their conversation.
Ludmilla Drago: Good luck. I hope after we can be friends.
(Subtitles for Ludmilla reading: "I will never be friends with you, American scum.")
Mary Anne Creed (Played by the late Sylvia Meals): I hope so.
(Subtitles for Mary Anne reading: "Go fuck yourself, you commie bitch!")
Ludmilla Drago: Of course, they're sportsmen, not soldiers.
(Subtitles for Ludmilla: "My husband will kick your husband's ass and he will be a dead man.")
Sean: (Narrating) So as the fight gets ready to begin, Drago comes across…
(Drago is lifted up on an elevator to appear in the boxing ring with dancers in flashy costumes performing around and above the ring)
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, what the hell is going on?
"Did Drago somehow end up in That's Entertainment? Because this is some weird-ass shit.
Sean: (Narrating) And just when you think this movie couldn't get any more weirder, you got James Brown singing "Living in America" with Creed dancing alongside with him. Yeah, this is the kind of movie that we're dealing with here. We have robot servants, dancing showgirls and James Brown. Yep, we're doomed.
(A clip from the movie Lost in Space is shown)
Dr. Zachary Smith (Played by Gary Oldman): We're doomed! We're doomed!
Sean: (Narrating) So, they finally get on with the match and before it begins, things get deadly serious.
Apollo Creed: All right, it's time to go to school, son.
(Drago doesn't do anything but stares Apollo down)
Apollo Creed: Come on, get your hands up, man! You need an interpreter? It's time to go to school!
(Apollo does above fist bumps Drago, but Drago's hands are stiff and don't move an inch)
Ivan Drago (Played by Dolph Lundgren): You will lose.
"Okay, this is the first thing that Drago said all movie and it's pretty much him looking at Apollo and going 'loser'." Sean said as he imitates Ace Ventura.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's showtime! Apollo moves around just to toy with Drago and gives him a few punches.
"Hey, he's gonna do just…" Sean said.
(Apollo ends up getting hit in the face by Drago)
"JESUS!" Sean reacted.
(We cut to Apollo getting beaten senselessly by Drago and cutting back to Sean reacting from seeing Apollo's beat down)
"Yo, Rocky. I think it's time to throw in the towel. You better call it." Sean said.
Apollo Creed: I'm here to fight. Promise me you're not gonna stop this fight.
"Are you nuts?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Apollo goes back in the ring after he tells Rocky not to stop the fight, but ends up taking a couple of punches to the fucking head by Drago. Yeah, Rocky. How about you, um, I don't know, throw the towel to stop the fight instead of standing there like an idiot?
Tony "Duke" Evers (Played by the late Tony Burton): Throw the damn towel!
(Rocky doesn't throw the towel)
Apollo Creed: No!
(The footage is slowed down as Drago lands one final punch on Apollo)
Tony "Duke" Evers: No!
(In slow motion, Apollo collapses face first into the ring)
Mary Anne Creed: My God!
(Apollo's body twitches)
Stu Nahan: Creed is down!
"Wow, so boxers do die in the ring if they're hit hard enough." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Apollo is down as the members of the audience gather around the fallen boxer while the reporters interview Drago in what I have to say is the most evil villain speech ever that would make you hate this guy.
Ivan Drago: I cannot be defeated./I defeat all man./Soon I defeat real champion.
Reporter #4: Creed appears to be in serious condition.
Ivan Drago: If he dies, he dies.
"In Soviet Russia, evil Russian boxer shows no emotion." Sean said in a Russian accent.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Apollo literally dies in the ring at the hands of Ivan Drago and then we cut to the day of Apollo's funeral. Okay, I'm gonna have to rant on this one, why is it that the black guy always dies first in movies?! I mean, in every movie you have the black guy dying in movies, this cliche is getting old.
"I mean, think about it: Unforgiven, Alien, The Shining, The Dirty Dozen, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Predator, The Running Man, Forrest Gump, Witness, Jurassic Park. Okay, there were two black guys in that movie and there were two black guys in Predator as well. Look, just once I would like to see the black guy live in a movie. Is that all too much to ask?" Sean asked.
(A clip from the movie Canadian Bacon is shown)
Kabral (Played by the late Bill Nunn): I'm telling you, man. The black guy always dies first.
"Man, fuck Hollywood racism." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Apollo literally dies in the ring and on the day of his funeral, Rocky has some dear words to say to his friend.
Rocky Balboa: There's a lot I could say about this man. I don't know if it matters now. I guess what matters is what he stood for, what he lived for, and what he died for. You always did everything the way you wanted it. I know I didn't understand that, but… Now I understand.
"You know, Rocky. If you threw the towel in Apollo would still be alive. You know, I've seen videos for Rocky IV about what if Apollo never died in the ring. Yeah, that situation would've been changed. But no, it was your fault. You let the black guy get killed by a scary Russian. In the words of Jon Taffer: shame on you!" Sean yelled out imitating Jon Taffer from Bar Rescue.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Rocky accepts Drago's offer to fight Drago and this fight take's place in Russia. However, the press conference gets sidetracked for everyone calling Drago a murderer, which Koloff and Ludmilla don't take very well.
Ludmilla Drago: I'm afraid for my husband's life. We have threats of violence everywhere. We are not in politics. All I want is for my husband to be safe, to be treated fairly. You call him a killer. He's a professional fighter, not a killer. You have this belief that you are better than us. You have this belief that this country is so very good and we are so very bad.
"Look, bitch. Your people light up firecrackers in fucking bathtubs, your Russian president Boris Yeltsin was a drunk. Your people tend to do stupid ass shit when they're drunk. We're better than you. Plus, we have the best looking chicks… okay, you have the best looking chicks, too. Sometimes. But still, don't make us the bad guys here. You're the bad guys." Sean said.
Nicoli Koloff: It's all lies and false propaganda to support this antagonistic and violent government!
Paulie Pennino: Oh, violent? Hey, we don't keep our people behind a wall with machine guns!
Nicoli Koloff: Who are you?
Paulie Pennino: Who am I? I'm the unsilent majority, big mouth!
"Oh, boy. Paulie's started an international incident. I will never get tired of Paulie in these movies. Whether it's being a bully to his sister or attacking a pinball machine while he's drunk or starting an international incident with Russia or dressing up as Santa Claus." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, it's off to Russia for Rocky as he gets ready to fight Drago. And of course everyone in the world knows about it… except for Adrian.
"Oops." Sean said.
Adrian Balboa: Why'd you do it?
Rocky Balboa: I just gotta do what I gotta do.
Adrian Balboa: You don't have to do anything.
Rocky Balboa: No, Adrian, I do, and… I gotta leave this place, too.
Adrian Balboa: So where are you going?
Rocky Balboa: They said they're going to let me train in Russia, and I just want to go someplace where I ain't gonna think about nothing except him.
Adrian Balboa: Rocky, give it some time. Don't do this. A lot of people live with hurt.
"Adrian, come on. This is something he's gotta do. His best friend died and he has to avenge his death." Sean said.
Adrian Balboa: Before, there were reasons to fight I could understand, but I don't understand this.
"That's because it's the second act of the movie and you don't understand. Just wait until the third act, then you'll understand." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You see, this is just tension and we're supposed to feel some kind of emotion here. But don't worry about that, the only thing Rocky can do is to drive off in the night right into the middle of a music video set to Robert Tepper's No Easy Way Out.
(Robert Tepper's "No Easy Way Out" plays while a montage of clips from four of the Rocky movies play through the montage)
"Gotta give this movie some credit, the music paired with the clips of the previous films does work." Sean said. "Although, it makes me wish I could watch Rocky I-III because I can take them seriously."
Sean: (Narrating) After Rocky decides to go to Russia with Paulie and Apollo's trainer Duke played by the late Tony Burton, Rocky leaves Adrian behind to watch over Rocky Jr., he flies into Russia while Survivor's Burning Heart plays. And let me just say that this song is the shining star of the movie.
(Survivor's "Burning Heart" plays while Rocky arrives in Russia)
"Rocky IV. Come for the ass-beatings, stay for the awesome soundtrack." Sean said in a Russian accent.
Sean: (Narrating) Of course, this is Rocky's big introduction to Russia, from what I've read that when they filmed the Russia scenes, they filmed it in Wyoming. Aside from keeping the fight a secret from Adrian, he kept the accommodations a secret from his friends as well, which Paulie is less than pleased to find out that they've gone from a million dollar mansion with a robot servant to a cabin in a frozen wasteland.
Paulie Pennino: You requested this dumb location?
Rocky Balboa: Yeah.
Paulie Pennino: Why? You planning to grow reindeer or something?
Rocky Balboa: I just wanted to get away from things, you know?
"You know, all the things. I wanted to get away from that damn robot." Sean said, imitating Rocky.
(We cut to two KGB agents sitting in a black car, who are keeping an eye on Rocky)
Sean: (Narrating) And since Rocky's arrival in Russia, he's got two KGB agents who are assigned to keep an eye on him. So, wherever he goes, they go. Uh, is this standard operational procedures in Russia? I mean, come on! Rocky's an American in Russia. What did they know about him killing a bunch of Russian soldiers in the jungles of Vietnam or shit?
"Seriously, who wants KGB agents as their personal bodyguards. What if I want to have sex with my girlfriend are they going to be in the room with me? Okay, that would freak me the fuck out if they did that." Sean said.
"One of their agents would be a future president of Russia one day." Brian said, referring to Vladimir Putin, who was a lieutenant colonel in the KGB working in East Germany when the USSR fell.
Sean: (Narrating) While Rocky and the gang is getting settled in Russia, Rocky has all the training equipment that he needs in order to prepare for his fight with Drago. Then, Duke gives Rocky some words of wisdom.
Tony "Duke" Evers: Apollo was like my son. I raised him. And when he died, a part of me died. But now you're the one. You're the one that's gonna keep his spirit alive. You're the one that's gonna make sure that he didn't die for nothing. Now, you're gonna have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare that you ever dreamed. But in the end, I know you'll be the one standing.
Rocky Balboa: I'll try.
"Oh and remember the time when you didn't throw the towel in to stop the fight? Yeah, I'll probably not throw the towel in and I'll just watch Drago beat the shit out of you since you let Apollo die in the ring." Sean said, imitating Duke.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, you know what that means, it's time for a training montage set to the most kick-ass training montage music ever. Vince DiCola, kick it!
(The training montage plays as we see Rocky and Drago training. During the montage, we see Rocky helping out a guy who's horse carriage turns over and gets stuck in the snow and he helps him out)
"See that, Russia? This just proves to you that not all Americans are bad guys. Rocky helped that guy out of a jam. Way to go, Rocky!" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Rocky training by carrying a log in the snow and pulling a sled with Paulie on it, Rocky is resorting to Amish equipment training while Drago uses state-of-the-art gym equipment and computers to be like Isaac Frost from Fight Night Champion and this hammers home the Man vs. Machine subtext. Also, Vince DiCola's music kicks ass in that scene. I don't get why people didn't care for the music in this movie. Since Rocky's been in Russia long enough and he grew himself a Solid Snake beard, guess who happens to show up.
(Rocky sees Adrian at the cabin and the two meet out at the middle of a snowy field)
Adrian Balboa: I couldn't stay away anymore. I missed you.
Rocky Balboa: I missed you.
Adrian Balboa: I'm with you no matter what.
Rocky Balboa: No matter what?
Adrian Balboa: No matter what.
(Rocky and Adrian embrace)
"Okay, now that you're here for the third act, could you assist Rocky into bringing down Metal Gear and that pesky Psycho Mantis?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to our second training montage of the movie, this time set to the best song ever "Hearts on Fire" by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.
(The second training montage plays while the song "Hearts on Fire" by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band plays while we see Rocky and Drago training)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh yeah, remember that seemingly random accusation that Ivan Drago is in fact juicing?
(We see Drago get injected with steroids as we see the needle get into his arm)
"Turns out the son of a bitch has been juicing up all this time! And yet, it's never brought up again." Sean said.
(We cut to Rocky running in the snow and getting away from the KGB agents that are following him)
Sean: (Narrating) And remember the stairs at the Philadelphia Museum of Art? Screw that noise! Rocky manages to climb up a whole friggin' mountain!
(As we see Rocky climbing up the mountain and makes it up to the peak, he triumphantly raises his arms up in the air and the camera spins around him as we hear the theme music to the 1993 movie Cliffhanger composed by Trevor Jones play in the background)
Rocky Balboa: DRAGO!
"Okay, now that we're finished with the training montages. It's time for fight night." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, it's the night of the big fight as Rocky gets prepared for the ultimate challenge and Paulie gets a little emotional.
Paulie Pennino: You know, it's hard for me to say these kind of things, because that ain't my way, but if I could just unzip myself and step out and be someone else, I'd want to be you.
"Okay, I think Paulie's been drinking again. He's drunk. Adrian, get your brother." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Upon meeting the crowd, we see that everyone is not happy to see Rocky. Boy, Russia hates Rocky. I mean come on, at least be neutral here, you're treating Rocky like he's a bad guy.
Barry Tompkins: It seems that the booing crowd has absolutely no effect on the man. His concentration seems to be like stone.
(We cut to Rocky Jr. and his friends watching television)
Rocky Jr.: That's my dad!
Rocky Jr.'s Friend (Played by Danial Brown): We know.
Rocky Jr.'s Other Friend: What do you think we are, nerds?
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who the fuck is watching the kid? Don't tell me you left the kid alone with the fucking robot. And who the hell are these kids? Adrian left for Russia how long ago and she left the robot in charge. What the hell is going on?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Drago comes out and is met with universal cheering of his people. And now, rise for the Russian National Anthem.
(Everyone rises as the "Hymn of the Soviet Union" begins. P.S.: It's the one they stopped using in the 1970s)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, you gotta give Russia some credit, they take their National Anthem with pride and respect. In America, we got…
(We cut back to the scene where James Brown sings "Living in America" right before the Creed/Drago match)
Sean stays silent for a bit and rubs his head before saying another word. "Yeah, we had that. Boy, I'm ashamed to be an American."
Sean: (Narrating) As the announcer gives the introductions of Rocky and Drago, Drago has some words to say to Rocky.
Ivan Drago: (To Rocky) I must break you.
"Haven't you seen the last three Rocky movies, Drago? He's been taking multiple hits in the head from Apollo and Clubber Lang. It won't do you any good there, comrade. This guy has Wolverine regeneration." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the round starts as Rocky gets pounded hard like Lacy Lennon taking a pounding from Quinton James in a Brazzers video. In other words, yeah he's not doing good. But Rocky manages to fight back as he hits Drago in the face, cutting him. And then it becomes all-out war between the two of them.
Paulie Pennino: You're doing good, Rocky. Couldn't do better myself.
Rocky Balboa: Thanks.
Igor Rimsky (Played by George Rogan): (Speaking in Russian) How can you do this? He's nothing… soft!
Tony "Duke" Evers: You got him hurt bad.
Rocky Balboa: Yeah?
Tony "Duke" Evers: Now he's worried. You cut him! You hurt him! You see? You see? He's not a machine! He's a man!
Ivan Drago: (Speaking in Russian) He's not human… He is like a piece of iron.
"Did I mention that Stallone wrote this movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, you know what this means? It's time for another montage and this time it's combat-style montage set to my favorite track of the movie "War".
(The boxing match continues with the passage of time presented as a montage)
Sean: (Narrating) Don't you just love these montages? You can just throw anything in it and it will still be epic as hell.
(The passage of time montage continues with an image of Jar-Jar Binks from "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace", a clip from "Dan Vs.", a clip of Will and Carlton dancing from an episode of "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air", a clip from the movie "Rhinestone" plays showing Sylvester Stallone singing "Drinkenstein" followed by the inserting of the "Happy Days" introduction into the film and it is followed by Rocky and Drago exchanging hits to the face followed by a clip from the movie "Batman: Mask of the Phantasm" showing the Joker hitting Batman with a model skyscraper and Batman kicking the Joker in the face into the movie)
Sean: (Narrating) With Russia cheering for Rocky, Nicoli isn't to happy that his prized fighter is being a disgrace to his country.
Nicoli Koloff: (Speaking Russian) Listen to them… Our people cheer for HIM!... You idiot. (Shoves Drago's head) WIN!
(Drago glares at Koloff and grabs him by his throat)
Ludmilla Drago: Nyet!
(Drago puts Koloff down)
Ivan Drago: (Speaking in Russian) I fight to win! For me! For me!
"Yeah! Way to go, Drago!" Sean said, applauding.
"Way to stand up to your manager, man." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for the final round and it's now or never. Will he be able to take out Drago?
(Rocky delivers the finishing punches on Drago and knocks him out)
Sean: (Narrating) And Rocky has defeated Drago and he makes a big speech about world peace.
Rocky Balboa: I came here tonight, and I didn't know what to expect. I seen a lot of people hatin' me, and I didn't know what to feel about that, so I guess I didn't like you much none either. During this fight, I seen a lot of changing. The way you felt about me, and the way I felt about you. In here, there were two guys killing each other, but I guess that's better than 20 million. So, what I'm trying to say is that if I can change and you can change, everybody can change.
(The audience applauds, especially the Soviet Leader, who stands up and applauds as well a Nicoli Koloff)
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Rocky ends the Cold War with an amazing speech. So, what did we learn today, children? The secret to world peace is by beating the everloving shit out of them!
"And that was Rocky IV and it was a weird one. But hey, I happen to enjoy it." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) There wasn't much plot to cover, but the film was a little cheesy and silly at times. I've enjoyed the soundtrack from the movie and it was pretty good. I had a lot of fun watching it. I mean, it's up there with Rambo: First Blood Part II and Last Action Hero. Anyway, the movie does hold up very well but the drama of the movie falls short. The movie comes in at three talking robots out of five.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and Stallone Month continues." Sean said as he gets up and starts dancing to "Hearts on Fire" by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I must break you.
And that's all for the Rocky IV review for The Mayhem Critic. Sorry that it took long trying to post this chapter, I've been busy with work and trying to get over a cold that I got last Sunday. Right now, I'm feeling much better. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Stallone Month continues when Sean takes a look at the best 80s action movie ever Tango & Cash and we're introduced to another character who's going to co-review this movie. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And don't worry, I'll get back to working on my other stories as well. Sorry that I've left you guys hanging but expect some new stories as well for other shows like The CW's Legacies, American Housewife and the new show Outmatched. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.