The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, today's the last day of Stallone Month and what better way to end Stallone Month is by taking a look at the 1993 sci-fi movie Demolition Man, the smash hit starring Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes and Sandra Bullock. Does this film still hold up pretty good now or is it worse than we remember it to be? We'll find out today. So sit back, relax, crack open a beer and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Demolition Man is owned by Warner Bros. Entertainment and Silver Pictures.
Stallone Month Part IV: Demolition Man
We open with Sean J. Archer, a.k.a the Mayhem Critic, entering his living room with a bottle of cherry vanilla Coke as he sits down on the couch. He is seen wearing his blue flannel shirt, jean, his Addidas sneakers and wearing a pair of contacts in his eyes. He takes a quick sip of his soda before sitting the bottle down on the coffee table before he starts his introduction.
"Man, that's some good soda." Sean said as he clears his throat. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And seeing how this is the end of Stallone Month."
(The Stallone Month intro is shown while the "Stallone" song plays in the background)
"God, how I'll miss hearing that song." Sean said. "Let's talk about a classic Stallone movie."
(The Rocky movie poster is shown while "Gonna Fly Now" by Bill Conti plays in the background)
"No, no, no. This one has a gun-toting Stallone." Sean said.
(The First Blood movie poster is shown while the instrumental version of "It's a Long Road" by Jerry Goldsmith plays in the background)
"No, it's one where he's a cop." Sean said.
(The Tango & Cash movie poster is shown while the theme music by Harold Faltermeyer plays in the background)
"Already did that one with Chad Knight from Up All Knight. It's one where he's a cop with a mismatched female partner." Sean said.
(The Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot movie poster is shown while the theme music by Alan Silvestri plays in the background)
"Very funny, dumbass. No, okay. Let me start over. A classic Stallone movie where he plays a gun-toting cop in the future with a mismatched female partner and it has Rob Schneider in it." Sean said.
(The Judge Dredd movie poster is shown while the Judge Dredd theme by Alan Silvestri plays in the background)
We cut back to Sean, who makes a facepalm in disgust after the movie poster for Judge Dredd is shown.
"You know what? You're right. It's Judge Dredd. The movie that I'm reviewing today is Judge Dredd. YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, IT'S DEMOLITION MAN!" Sean yelled out.
(The title screen for the movie is shown, followed by clips of the movie while the song "Demolition Man" performed by Sting plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, I know what you're going to say: "You talk bad about Demolition Man and we will castrate you!". Look, I friggin' love Demolition Man. It's one of the best sci-fi action movies ever. It's a movie that I watched with my grandmother when I was young when they aired it on Fox back in the 90s. The movie is a guilty pleasure of mine and why not? It's a very good film and very underrated, in my opinion. The movie was released in theaters on October 8th, 1993. It stars Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes and Sandra Bullock. The movie was directed by artist and director Marco Brambilla, who you might recognize is work or art in the Kanye West music video Power. And the movie was written by Heathers screenwriter Daniel Waters, Robert Reneau who was known for writing the screenplay for the Carl Weathers movie Action Jackson and Peter Lenkov, who was known for….
(The posters for the movies Son-in-Law, Jury Duty, Chairman of the Board, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and the 2013 film adaptation R.I.P.D. are shown)
"Okay, is there anything good that he's worked on?" Sean asked.
(We see the show titles CSI: NY, 24, Hawaii Five-0, MacGyver and Magnum P.I. on the screen)
"Well, you got me there." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie debuted at No. 1 at the box office and it grossed $58, 055, 768 by the end of it's box office run. The movie did leave a lasting impact with people. With the movie taking place in the future, there are some aspects of the film that were alluding to writer Aldous Huxley's dystopian novel Brave New World. But the question remains, is it still a good movie or just like Simon Phoenix, rotten to the core?
"Well, let's not waste any time. Let's finish up Stallone Month with Demolition Man." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a panning shot of the Hollywood sign in flames as "Los Angeles, 1996" appears on screen)
Sean: (Narrating) We open with the city of Los Angeles, and it's seen better day. And it's the year 1996. What the hell happened? Did the Lakers lose a big game? Did the LA riots start again? Were there people fighting over the OJ trial? Were the Crips and Bloods going to war with each other? Were rappers beefing with each other?
"Well, I can come up with this observation… L.A. was a total shithole back in 1996!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to John Spartan…
(A clip from the movie 300 is shown)
Leonidas (Played by Gerard Butler): THIS IS SPARTA!
Sean: (Narrating) No, I said "Spartan" not "Sparta". He's played by Sylvester Stallone. John Spartan is being flown via helicopter over mayhem that makes the infamous L.A. riots look like a trip to Disneyworld. Spartan is hunting down a maniac who's kidnapped a busload of civilians in an abandoned building with his gang.
John Spartan (Played by Sylvester Stallone): And I got a real bad hunch where those passengers are and who that maniac is.
Zachary Lamb - Young (Played by Grand L. Bush): Any idea who that is?
John Spartan: Phoenix. Simon Phoenix.
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan takes a moment to look manly into the camera, then drops feet first into the battlefield and yells out Phoenix's name like he's passing a kidney stone.
John Spartan: (Yells as he jumps out of the helicopter) PHOENIX!
"And trust me, there's a lot of Stallone shouting out "PHOENIX!" in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan enters the battlefield and takes out a few of Phoenix's goons in the process until he confronts the man himself Simon Phoenix, played brilliantly by Wesley Snipes.
John Spartan: You're under arrest.
Simon Phoenix (Played by Wesley Snipes): (Laughs) Arrest? Shit. And you're trespassing.
John Spartan: Where are the passengers?
Simon Phoenix: Ah, yes. The passengers. Well, they're uh… Fuck you. The passengers are gone.
"Okay, I just love Wesley Snipes in this movie. He's fifty shades of fun in this movie. His character is like a mix between Mark Hamill's Joker and Dennis Rodman. Hmm, I wonder what it would look like if you put the two of them together." Sean said.
(Then, we get a picture of Dennis Rodman with The Joker's smile, green hair, pale white skin and his outfit followed by the sound of Mark Hamill's Joker laughing in the background)
"Aaaah! Never show that photo again! Jesus, I'm gonna have nightmares about that one." Sean said.
Simon Phoenix: (While holding the blowtorch and threatening to set the place on fire) What? What? What you got, soldier boy? Do something. Go ahead. (Laughs) You're up to your ass in gasoline.
(Spartan sees that there's gasoline pouring out all over the floor)
Simon Phoenix: I'll set your ass on fire.
"Well, damn. The movie's over already. What? Does Spartan have no sense of smell and has to be told that 100 gallons of gas has just been poured all over the floor. It's not the liquid that gets you, it's the fumes that are flammable. With that amount of gas plus the fumes equals two Kentucky fried characters in one short action movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, they do catch fire eventually as Phoenix lights up a cigarette and flicks it on the ground. Then, he does his best Joker impersonation.
(Phoenix sets the floor on fire and laughs)
"Huh. So, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm ripped this laugh off for the Joker." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown, showing the Joker laughing while the World Fair explodes in flames)
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan and Phoenix end up fighting each other in a burning room and man, this is an excellent way to introduce Snipes' character and have one intense fight scene.
John Spartan: Where are they, Phoenix?
Simon Phoenix: Now, where did I put them? (Chuckles) I swear, I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached.
John Spartan: I'll keep that in mind.
"Yeah, remember that blatant foreshadowing later on in the movie because it will be important. Plus, foreshadowing like that made us feel smarter. It's like showing Han Solo taking out life insurance." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan knocks out Phoenix and carries him out as he does his epic yell as the building explodes. His captain, played by Steve Kahan from the Lethal Weapon movies, yells at him for being reckless.
Captain Healy (Played by Steve Kahan): You were not supposed to come down here! You were not supposed to attempt the arrest of Phoenix single-handed and you were not supposed to blow anything up!
"I had to deal with Riggs and Murtaugh's shenanigans and now I've got to put up with yours. Dammit, Spartan! I am getting too old for this shit!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Captain Healy.
I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #11
"No, no! We're not doing that one again! Take it off." Sean said.
I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit Counter: #10
Sean: (Narrating) But there's one huge problem, though. And it's regarding the hostages.
Firefighter: Over here! There's bodies everywhere! There must be 20 or 30. They're everywhere.
Simon Phoenix: See that, captain? I told him! He said he didn't care! Oh, my God! How could you sacrifice all those innocent people for little old me!
(Several cops try to restrain Spartan from getting to Phoenix)
Sean: (Narrating) And because of the deaths 20 or 30 people, this lands Spartan to be incarcerated in the city's new Cryo-Penitentiary, where he will be cryogenically frozen for 70 years. During this time, his hostile behavior will be modified via subliminal suggestive programming. Just please don't show us his snowballs. I don't want to live my life knowing that I saw Stallone's balls.
(The cryogenic chemical enters the pod and freezes Spartan)
Charlie Wilcox (V/O): I WAS FROZEN TODAY!
"Oh great. I cannot believe that I made a Suburban Commando joke for this review. That joke is getting old." Sean said.
(We cut to the city of San Angeles, in the year 2032)
Sean: (Narrating) After we see Spartan turn into a popsicle, we cut to the city of San Angeles in the year 2032 and we're introduced to Lieutenant Lenina Huxley, played by a young Sandra Bullock, and she's checking up on the San Angeles Cryo-Prison on the way to work
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley (Played by Sandra Bullock): I'm hereby querying you on the prison population update. Does the tedium continue?
Warden William Smithers (Played by Andre Gregory): Your question is amusing but it is irrelevant. The prisoners are ice cubes. They never move.
"Okay, I know that my birthday is coming up but I want one of those tablets that the warden is using. Can somebody get me that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) In a short series of scenes, they're established that the world as we know it doesn't exist anymore and has been replaced to an extremely peaceful society. An extremely peaceful society that has Rob Schneider in it.
Erwin (Played by Rob Schneider): Greetings and salutations. Welcome to the emergency line of the San Angeles Police Department.
"Oh, God. Judge Dredd isn't on my list of Stallone Month movies and right now it's pissing me off that Rob Schneider is in it. Are you trying to torture me, movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (V/O as Erwin) Greetings and salutations. Welcome to the emergency line of the San Angeles Police Department. If you like me to ruin a movie for you, please press one. (Narrating in his normal voice) So here's the thing about this future, anything bad for you is illegal. Things like smoking, high cholesterol, alcohol, contact sports, meat, chocolate, gasoline and so forth.
"Uh… what about porn?" Sean asked.
"Also, deemed illegal in the future." Cami said.
Sean starts screaming in horror from finding out that there's no porn in the future until his head begins to explode.
Sean: (Narrating) And yes, I do have to mention that there's no swearing and if you swear, this happens.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Sanctimonious asshole.
(The Morality Box buzzes and she gets a ticket)
Moral Statute Machine: Lenina Huxley, you are fined ½ credit for a sotto voce violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
John Spartan: Are you shitting me?
(The Morality Box buzzes and Spartan gets a ticket)
Morality Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
Simon Phoenix: What? Fuck you. (Tosses the ticket over his shoulder)
(Morality Box buzzes and gives him another ticket)
"Wait, so you can't curse in the future? That's bullshit." Sean said as the Morality Statute Box buzzes and gives him a ticket.
"Sean J. Archer, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute." The Morality Statute Machine said.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Sean asked as he gets another ticket.
"Sean J. Archer, you are fined another credit of the Verbal Morality Statute." The Morality Statute Machine said.
"Ugh. Great, now I'm gonna have to stop cursing on my reviews." Sean said.
(We are shown Huxley in her office, which is filled with many collectables related to the past)
Sean: (Narrating) Even though Huxley likes this world fine, she longs for some action as she surrounds herself in 20th century nostalgia. Hmm, I wonder who that reminds me of.
(A picture of the Nostalgia Critic pops up)
"Uh, I was going to say me, but yeah. That works." Sean said.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: What I wouldn't give for some action.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, you're about to get some action as we see that Phoenix is thawed out for his parole hearing. Yeah, what could go wrong?
Warden William Smithers: Mr. Simon Phoenix. One of our first and most illustrious members. Allow me to welcome you to your parole hearing. Let's get this one over quickly. Twenty-nine years ago, the parole system, as you know it…
(Phoenix speaks in gibberish)
"Only for him to act like a fool at his parole hearing." Sean said.
Warden William Smithers: Do you have anything fresh to say about your behalf?
Simon Phoenix: Yeah, I do. Teddy bear.
(Phoenix is released from his restraints and starts attacking the warden and his guards)
"And you have the stupidest password for him to figure out and release him." Sean said.
(We see the warden's eye getting scanned by Phoenix to open the door)
Computer: Retina coding accepted, Warden William Smithers. Be well.
Simon Phoenix: (Holds up Warden Smithers' eye) Yeah, you too.
"Well, I guess you can say that he has his eye on him." Sean said as a comedic rimshot is heard.
Sean: (Narrating) After Phoenix escapes, the police get an emergency code and they don't even know what 187 is and by the time they figure out what's going on, these idiots still don't know what's going on when someone dies. And when they learn that it's Simon Phoenix, he kills one of the doctors and steals his car. Luckily, the car has a tracking device. But hey, we still have enough time for the police to arrive just so we can see Phoenix dressed as Dennis Rodman the Menace and cause some trouble and to be disrupted by random plot device.
(The computer shows an image of Edgar Friendly)
Computer: Friendly, Edgar. Code level 60. Listed offenses: civil unrest activity….
Male Voice: Don't you hear a thought repeating in that barbaric brain of yours? The name Friendly, Edgar? Edgar Friendly. Don't you have a job to do? Don't you have someone to kill? Someone to kill. Someone to kill.
(An image of a skull is shown on the computer screen, along with the words "Edgar Friendly Must Die and Murder Death Kill")
Sean immediately makes a face after he sees how bizarre the scene was. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that I was watching The Alfred Hitchcock Hour."
(The Alfred Hitchcock Hour theme starts playing while the scene plays again)
Booth: Gun. Noun. Portable firearm. This device was widely utilized in the urban wars of the late twentieth century. Referred to as a pistol, a piece…
Simon Phoenix: Look I don't need a history lesson! C'mon, HAL, where are the goddamn guns?
(The Moral Statute Machine gives Phoenix a ticket)
Moral Statute Machine: You are fined one credit for the violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
Simon Phoenix: (Grabs the fine paper) What? Fuck you!
(The Moral Statute Machine gives Phoenix another ticket)
Moral Statute Machine: Your repeated violation of the Verbal Morality Statute has caused me to notify the San Angeles Police Department. Please remain where you are for your reprimand.
"Hey, he's not going to pay that fine. He never paid his taxes." Sean said, referencing Wesley Snipes' income tax conviction.
(We then cut to the San Angeles police arriving on the scene to apprehend Phoenix)
Sean: (Narrating) So then the police arrive to apprehend Phoenix, and I have to say that this is a great scene and I end up cracking up every time I watch this movie. This is where the cops wish that they should never mess with a psycho criminal from the past.
Squad Leader (Played by Paul Perri): Simon Phoenix, lie down on the ground or else.
(Phoenix turns around and glares at the police)
(A clip from Blade is shown)
Blade: (Played by Wesley Snipes): Motherfucker, are you outta your damn mind?!
"Oh, now you've done it. He's gonna fuck you up." Sean said as the Morality Statute box buzzes and gives him another ticket.
"Sean J. Archer, you are fined another credit of the Verbal Morality Statute." The Morality Statute Machine said.
"Are you kidding me?!" Sean exclaimed.
(Phoenix turns on the Anti Graffiti Activation program and types in the safety override code and ends up electrocuting the police officer)
Simon Phoenix: (Walks up to the other officers) Okay.
(One of the officers charge at Phoenix as Phoenix proceeds to beat them up while the other officers at the station watch)
Simon Phoenix: Ole!
Erwin: We're police officers! We're not trained to handle this kind of violence!
"Man, the cops have become complete wimps." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The cops are scared shitless because they couldn't handle him. And Police Chief George Earle, played by Bob Gunton, is clueless on how to apprehend Phoenix. Mostly because they're a bunch of pussies. He calls Dr. Raymond Cocteau, played by the late Nigel Hawthorne. You know, Sir Humprey Appleby from the BBC show Yes Minister and the voice of Professor Porter from Disney's Tarzan.
Chief George Earle (Played by Bob Gunton): How can a man be so blatantly sadistic? It was fun for him.
Dr. Raymond Cocteau: I want you to do everything in your power to snare this agent of destruction. You have my utmost confidence
Chief George Earle: It will be done, Dr. Cocteau. Be well.
(Dr. Cocteau ends his call with Chief Earle)
Dr. Raymond Cocteau: "Utmost confidence". (Chuckles)
"Oh, I'm sure that he's not the bad guy. I mean, look at him. He's the one that created this peaceful utopia. He's not that evil. He's like if Mr. Burns was nice. You know, come to think of it. There's something very fishy about this guy. Better keep an eye on him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And what better way to catch a maniac is to send another maniac after him. And that maniac is none other than John Spartan as Alfredo Garcia, played by Benjamin Bratt, Huxley, Earle and an aged Zachary Lamb, played by Bill Cobbs respectively, are watching old videos of Spartan in action.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Spartan is a legend. I've been doing a historical study. Over 1, 000 arrests over three years. All authentic criminals.
Zachary Lamb - Aged (Played by Bill Cobbs): There was a lot more business back then.
T.V. Reporter (Played by Susan Lentini): How do you justify destroying a $7 million mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom is only $25,000?
Little Girl (Played by Casey Wallace): Fuck you, lady.
"Okay, that's exactly what I said when that mother who got offended by that episode of Jessie where they made that gluten joke and she posted a petition on Change for Disney Channel to pull that episode. I'm talking about you, Amy Raslevich." Sean points at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Chief Earle says that Spartan is an animal, but he's the right person to catch Phoenix. So, they thaw him out and I really want to make an Austin Powers joke for that scene, and they let him know what's going on.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: The year is 2032.
John Spartan: How long have I been under?
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: 36 years.
John Spartan: I had a wife. What happened to my wife?
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Her life was extinguished in the Big One of 2010.
"Yes, the Big One of 2010. That was a huge disaster that we've all remembered. Tragic, very tragic." Sean said as the poster for The Last Airbender is shown.
Chief George Earle: We didn't thaw you out for a family reunion. Consider it fortunate that the lieutenant even bothered to do a probe on your wife.
"Hey, now! We're not talking about that other Stallone movie." Sean said as the poster for the 1970 pornographic movie Italian Stallion a.k.a The Party at Kitty and Stud's is shown, a movie that Stallone was in before he did Rocky.
John Spartan: (To Garcia) You, get me a Marlboro.
Alfredo Garcia (Played by Benjamin Bratt): Yes, of course, right away. (Confused) What's a… a Marlboro?
John Spartan: It's a cigarette. Any cigarette. (Gets up from off of the chair and walks around)
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Uh, smoking is not good for you. It has been deemed that anything not good for you is bad, hence illegal. Alcohol, caffeine, contact sports, meat…
John Spartan: Are you shitting me?
(The Moral Statute Machine beeps as Huxley and Garcia cover their mouths in shock after Spartan curses)
Morality Statute Machine: (Fines Spartan) John Spartan, you are fined one credit for violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
John Spartan: (Sees the Morality Statute Machine) What the hell is that?
"That's YouTube monetizing people." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan gets reinstated and gets his new uniform. And then we come to what I have to say is the strangest joke of the film and I know that everyone is talking about it.
John Spartan: (To Huxley) You're out of toilet paper.
Alfredo Garcia: Did… did you just say toilet paper?
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Oh. They used handfuls of wadded paper back in 20th. (Laughs)
(Erwin laughs)
John Spartan: I'm happy that you're happy, but the place where you're supposed to have the toilet paper, you got this little shelf with three seashells on 'em.
Erwin: He doesn't even know how to use the three seashells. (Laughs at Spartan)
(Spartan crosses his arms and glares at Erwin)
"Don't worry, Stallone. In two years, you'll have to put up with that jackass in Judge Dredd." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) For those of you asking if they explained how the three seashells work, I have one answer for you: no. The never explained how the three seashells work. It has plagued me for years trying to figure that out and people who saw the movie were trying to find out how that worked. Hell, Sandra Bullock was questioned about how the three seashells work at the premiere of her movie Gravity years later.
"Can somebody please explain to me how the three seashells work? I demand somebody to figure that one out." Sean said as Cami clears her throat.
"Why don't you look that up on Google? Maybe you'll find your answer about the three seashells." Cami said.
"Know-it-all." Sean muttered.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, this leads to a very hilarious payoff. Spartan doesn't even know how to use the three seashells and after talking to Lamb, who he easily recognized because he wasn't the black guy getting killed in a horror movie, comes up with a great idea.
John Spartan: (Grabs the tickets out of the Morality Statute box) Thanks a lot, you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball-breaking, duck-fucking pain in the ass. (To Huxley and Garcia) So much for the seashells. See you in a few minutes.
"He uses the fines that he get from cursing as toilet paper. That's a genius plan, but be expecting some paper cuts in the crack of your ass." Sean said as the Morality Statute box buzzes and gives him another ticket. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up."
Sean: (Narrating) Chief Earle says that Phoenix will set up another drug lab but Spartan tells Mr. Clean that Phoenix is looking for a gun. And what better place to look for a gun is at a museum, of course. And then we cut to Phoenix, who's at the museum looking for some guns so he can raise some hell. While on their way over to the museum, Spartan begins to listen to some catchy tunes on the radio.
(The Armour Hot Dogs jingle starts playing)
D.J.: (On the radio) Here's that classic you've all been waiting for, the number one request of the day, Armour Hot Dogs.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: (Smiles and claps her hands) Yes!
Alfredo Garcia: Oh, wow, this is my fave.
(Huxley and Garcia sing along to the Armour Hot Dogs jingle while Spartan rubs his temples)
John Spartan: Somebody put me back in the fridge.
"Hey, it's the catchiest jingle ever. Another catchy jingle is the Skip It song. Every time that commercial plays I have the sudden urge to sing it. Another catchy jingle is the Oreo jingle and the Toys 'R' Us jingle. God, I'm obsessed with the past." Sean said.
(We cut to Phoenix, who's still at the museum, as he tries to break into the weapons display cache)
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Phoenix, we see that he's trying to break into the weapons display case but he has a hell of a time trying to grab himself a heater, so he has a better way of trying to get one.
Boggle Guard (Played by Trent Walker, credited as Michael Tennessee Lee): Mellow greetings. What seems to be your boggle?
Simon Phoenix: My boggle?
Sean: (V/O as Phoenix) Are you talking about the board game? Because I hate that shit.
Simon Phoenix: How much do you weigh?
Boggle Guard: Well, I happen to weigh…
(Phoenix grabs the guard and throws him into the weapons display case, shattering the glass)
"Well, that's one way of breaking into something to grab a gun. That's the world's smartest criminal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Phoenix starts wrecking some shit and starts grabbing some guns, including an awesome looking gun of the future called the magnetic accelerator gun. Spartan, Huxley and Garcia arrive on the scene as Spartan gets a new weapon called a glow-rod and he tries it out.
(Spartan zaps a random person with the glow-rod)
"God, what a dick." Sean chuckles as the Morality Statute machine buzzes once more and gives him a ticket. "Seriously?!"
(Spartan enters the museum and confronts Phoenix)
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan confronts Phoenix and the two rival enemies have a little shoot-out and partake in some cliched 90s action lines.
Simon Phoenix: What can I say? I'm a blast from the past.
John Spartan: You should've stayed dead./Bad aim, Blondie!
Simon Phoenix: Simon says bleed! (Shoots at Spartan)/I've been dreaming about killing you for 40 years.
John Spartan: Yeah? Well, keep dreaming. (Spartan shoots at Phoenix)
Simon Phoenix: (Gets ready to fire his magnetic accelerator gun at Spartan) Past is over, John. Time for something new and improved.
John Spartan: Oh, hell./You're on TV! (Throws a television at Phoenix)/You forgot to say "Simon says".
Simon Phoenix: Such a brave new world. Sorry you gotta go.
"Man, there's no end to stopping the cliched 90s lines. I'm sure you got some more." Sean said.
(Dr. Cocteau arrives at the museum as Phoenix runs into him)
Sean: (Narrating) We see that Dr. Cocteau arrives with his assistant Bob, played by the late Glenn Shadix. Also, I want to mention that Dr. Cocteau is the founder of San Angeles. He gets caught in the middle of the action as Phoenix shoots and misses the guy who looks like the Pope of White Castle as he couldn't bring himself to kill him. Well, it's because Dr. Cocteau programmed his mind to go after another target.
(A clip from The Hunt for Red October is shown)
Jack Ryan (Played by Alec Baldwin): You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch!
Dr. Raymond Cocteau: Now, don't you have a job to do, huh? Isn't there a thought repeating in that barbaric brain of yours? The name Friendly, Mr. Edgar Friendly? Don't you have someone to kill?
(Phoenix points his pistol at Dr. Cocteau but he couldn't bring himself to shoot him)
Simon Phoenix: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Raymond Cocteau: Excellent. Then go and do your job.
(A clip from The Exorcist III is shown)
Lt. William F. Kinderman (Played by the late George C. Scott): YOU SON OF A BITCH!
(Spartan appears and starts running towards Phoenix and Dr. Cocteau)
John Spartan: Phoenix!
"I'm sorry, what did you just say?" Sean asked, looking confused.
John Spartan: Phoenix!
"I'm not trying to sound like a conspiracy nut here, but did Stallone just shout out "penis" while running towards the two?" Sean asked. "I know that the Nostalgia Critic heard him shouting "penis" but I hear him shouting Phoenix's name. Maybe "Phoenix" and "penis" sound alike."
Sean: (Narrating) Phoenix gets away and Dr. Cocteau thanks him for saving his life. Then, Huxley says this line.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: (To Spartan) Not bad for a 74-year-old. Simon Phoenix knows he has some competition. He's finally matched his meat. You really licked his ass.
John Spartan: That's met his match and kicked… kicked his ass.
"Really, Huxley? Come on, work on your lines and stop making them sound sexual." Sean said.
Dr. Raymond Cocteau: John Spartan, welcome. Now, in honor of your arrival and your protection of the sanctity of human life, namely my own. I would like to invite you to join me to dinner tonight, the both of you. Please, I insist. I would like you to accompany me to Taco Bell.
"Okay, even though he's in cahoots with Phoenix. I'd accept that offer. I want my Nachos Bell Grande and my tacos. Wait, why Taco Bell? Wouldn't you invite him to LaRosa's for some pizza? What about Wendy's or Gold Star Chili or Chipotle? Hell, what about Pizza Hut?" Sean asked.
(We cut to Spartan and Huxley driving to Taco Bell)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, in case you were wondering, out of all places why would he invite him to Taco Bell? Well, let Huxley explain this little excuse. I bet it's shameless product placement.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: You do not realize that Taco Bell was the only restaurant to survive the Franchise Wars.
John Spartan: So?
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: So now all restaurants are Taco Bell.
John Spartan: No way.
"Okay, I want to see a movie about that. Call it, Franchise Wars. It would be awesome to be going to every restaurant that's Taco Bell. Can you imagine all of the tacos, the beefy 5-layer burritos, the double cheesy gordita crunch tacos and nachos bell grande that you can eat along with all the nacho fries you can eat as well. Sign me up! Now that I talk about Taco Bell, they did advertise some commercials promoting the movie." Sean said.
(A Taco Bell commercial promoting Demolition Man is shown)
Announcer: The year 2032. The city Los Angeles. The movie Demolition Man. The restaurant…
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: All restaurants are Taco Bell.
(We see tacos, burritos and nachos)
Announcer: The reason: delicious tacos, burritos and nachos.
Simon Phoenix: Exactamundo.
Announcer: The prices: only 59, 79 and 99 cents.
John Spartan: I'm impressed.
"Hey, don't forget about the Demo Deal where you can get a burrito supreme, nachos and a large drink for one low price and a Demolition Man poster absolutely free." Sean said.
John Spartan: I'm impressed.
"I'd knew you'd like, Stallone. Hey, when 2023 comes around, they better bring back the Demo Deal while promoting the 30th anniversary of the movie. Taco Bell, listen and listen well. Promote the 30th anniversary of Demolition Man and bring back the Demo Deal. I demand for that to come back. Boy, all this talk about Taco Bell is making me hungry. Let me order some Taco Bell on my DoorDash app, excuse me for one moment." Sean said as he picks up his phone to deliver some Taco Bell from his DoorDash app.
Sean: (Narrating) And just when you thought that the movie is finished throwing some stuff in, wait until you get a load of this.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: I have, in fact, perused some newsreels in the Schwarzenegger Library, and that time that you took that car…
John Spartan: Hold it. The Schwarzenegger Library?
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Yes. The Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. Wasn't he an actor when you…
John Spartan: Stop! He was President?
"Man, Schwarzenegger had it made. But during his time as President of the United States, he slept with the maid and ruined his marriage to Maria." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Spartan and Huxley arrive at the Taco Bell. Again, a place that doesn't have spicy or salty food. Then, Spartan has a hard time fitting in as the others see him as a neanderthal.
Taco Bell Patron (Played by Lara Harris): What would you say if I called you a brutish fossil, symbolic of a decayed gratefully forgotten?
"Come on, lady. He'll take that as a compliment." Sean said.
(A group of dirty-looking misfits are stealing something from a truck as Spartan goes outside to stop them)
Sean: (Narrating) But Spartan notices the cast of The Road Warrior causing some mayhem as he goes out to stop them. But then, he notices that they were stealing some Taco Bell.
John Spartan: (Picks up a bottle of food from the Taco Bell truck) What the hell?
"Taco Bell in a bottle? What kind of madness is this?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Cocteau tells Spartan that the group of underground dwellers are known as "Scraps" and they're a big problem for the founder.
Associate Bob (Played by the late Glenn Shadix): They're nothing but thugs and hooligans. A society of thieves. The last remaining criminal element in this city. But plans are in progress to purge this peril from our day.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: You're even better live than on laserdisc.
"Well, they can comeback along with VHS tapes. But with VHS tapes, you have to deal with the full screen version of your movies. Come on, we watch our movies in letterbox format now." Sean said.
"These days, things come to you via streaming, no cable box necessary." Brian said.
John Spartan: (To Huxley) Hurting people's not a good thing! Well, sometimes, it is, but not when it's a bunch of people looking for something to eat.
"Okay, I got nothing to say, I thought that was a good line." Sean said.
(We cut to Dr. Cocteau returning to his office with Associate Bob and finds Phoenix sitting at his desk)
Sean: (Narrating) Smarting from Spartan's words, Dr. Cocteau returns to his office only to find Phoenix sitting in front of his desk and he made a few modifications.
Simon Phoenix: Illuminate. (The lights come on) De-luminate. (The lights turn off and chuckles) Isn't that nicer?
Sean: (Narrating) Phoenix tells Dr. Cocteau that he needs some help. Which means he needs him to thaw out some of his criminal buddies to make the job real easier. Dr. Cocteau agrees to thaw out some of Phoenix's buddies while in the meantime Huxley invites Spartan over to her place and she has a little proposition for him.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Um, I was wondering if you like to have sex.
John Spartan: (Looks at Huxley) With you?
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Mm-hmm.
John Spartan: Here? (Chuckles) Now?
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Mm-hmm.
John Spartan: (Smiles) Oh, yeah.
"Oh, yeah. Now we're talking. Time to give this hot, weird chick the Full Spartan and let out the sexual cry of the Stallone." Sean said with a naughty smirk on his face.
(Huxley enters the room wearing only a robe and walks over to Spartan as she puts a helmet on his head and hands him a towel)
"What the hell is that?" Sean asked as the Morality Statute machine buzzes and gives him a ticket.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so sex is a little different in the future. It's a little more complicated than that. You have sex by wearing these Head Spa helmets without actually touching the person.
(Spartan and Huxley have helmets in their heads, allowing them to have sex into their minds before Spartan takes the helmet off)
"Yeah, imagine watching a porno from Blacked and you see Emily Willis getting some action from Flash Brown but instead of them actually having sex, you see them wearing these helmets over their heads. Yeah, Flash Brown will definitely need that towel." Sean said.
(Spartan takes the helmet off)
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: What's wrong? You broke contact.
John Spartan: Contact? I didn't even touch you yet.
Sean: (Narrating) Huxley explains to Spartan that Cocteau outlawed sexual contact of any type after an outbreak of several sexually transmitted diseases have plagued the population. Hell, even kissing is outlawed as well.
(Spartan leans in and tries to kiss Huxley)
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: What are you doing?
John Spartan: Breaking the law.
(A clip from Judge Dredd plays)
Rico (Played by Armand Assante): LLLAAAAAWWWW!
"Oh, great. I'm not even reviewing Judge Dredd and yet I used that clip for the review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, so much for getting some action. Huxley kicks Spartan out as he heads over to his own apartment so he takes a moment to explore the place before settling down, we get some pointless nudity.
(Spartan is shown watching a naked woman on a screen. Stallone's head is covering up her naked body)
Fiber Op Girl (Played by Brandy Ledford, credited as Brandy Sanders): Hi Martin. You know, I was thinking… Oh, my God! I'm sorry. Wrong number.
John Spartan: (Shakes his head after what he's just seen) Jesus!
"Okay, that was random. If I had that in my living room and I see Cali Carter naked on screen, I can think of a few things, if you know what I mean." Sean said, winking naughtily.
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan examines the video footage of Phoenix's escape from the museum, well, clips from earlier in the movie. He becomes suspicious of the good doctor and his control over Phoenix. The next day, Spartan apologizes to Huxley and gives her a nice sweater that he knitted for her. And that new talent is part of his reprogramming.
John Spartan: When I thawed out, the first thing I wanted to do was knit.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: It's part of your rehab program. For each inmate, the computer draws up a skill or trade that best suits their genetic disposition. And it would implant the knowledge and the desire whatever training was assigned.
John Spartan: I'm a seamstress?
"Hey, just be glad that the computer didn't pick out country singer for you. Remember the last time you sang some country songs?" Sean asked as a poster for the 1984 movie Rhinestone starring Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan asks Huxley to bring up Phoenix's rehab program and he learns that Phoenix has been implanted with all sorts of upgrades, which makes him Simon Phoenix 2.0. So, Spartan and Huxley goes down to Cocteau Industries to speak with Dr. Cocteau in a subtle way.
John Spartan: You programmed Phoenix's rehab to turn him into a terrorist, and I don't think his escape was an accident either.
(A clip from Rain Man is shown)
Charlie Babbitt (Played by Tom Cruise): (Yells) SON OF A BITCH!
(Spartan points his gun at Dr. Cocteau's temple)
John Spartan: Wonder about this, shithead. If you think you've got this maniac under control, trust me, you don't.
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Cocteau is sick and tired of Spartan's gun-toting and accusation. So, he orders Huxley to return him to Cryostastis immediately. Spartan responds to this is his very own subtle way and with the best response ever.
Dr. Raymond Cocteau: Be well.
John Spartan: (Points his gun at Cocteau) Be fucked.
Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one….
(Spartan shoots at the Moral Statute Machine as Associate Bob faints)
"Otho!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Defying orders, Spartan heads underground with Huxley and Garcia to find the location of the Scraps and they have a little community in the sewers. Even Spartan gets a taste of some of their food.
John Spartan: (Eats a burger) Oh, God. This is fantastic. You guys got to try this.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Just don't ask where the meat comes from.
Hamburger Stand Scrap (Played by Rosemary Lagunas): (Speaking Spanish) Esta carne de rata!
John Spartan: Rat?
(The cook nods)
John Spartan: This is a rat burger?
(The cook nods again)
John Spartan: (Eats the burger) Not bad. As a matter of fact, it's the best burger I've had in years.
"Hey, this is what the future is going to be like without meat. Every time I see my cousin Carl posting something on Facebook about boneless wings being made from rat, which is not true and I eat boneless wings. Well, for him saying that boneless wings made from rat, I guess I enjoy eating rat." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) He comes across the leader of the scraps named Edgar Friendly, played by comedian Denis Leary, and he explains that the outside world is hell because of Cocteau and also the fact that Cocteau sees him as the problem.
John Spartan: I guess you weren't part of the Cocteau Plan.
Edgar Friendly (Played by Denis Leary): Greed, deception, abuse of power? That's no plan.
John Spartan: And that's why everybody's down here?
Edgar Friendly: You got that right. See, according to Cocteau's plan, I'm the enemy.
"And this is where Denis Leary goes on a little rant. It's just Denis Leary being Denis "Fucking" Leary." Sean said.
Edgar Friendly: I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who wants to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with a side order of gravy fries?" I want high cholesterol. I want to eat butter, bacon and buckets of cheese, okay?
(A clip from Denis Leary's stand-up special No Cure for Cancer is shown)
Denis Leary: Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! WHen they ask me what I want, I say: What to you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.
Edgar Friendly: I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in a non-smoking section.
(Another clip from No Cure for Cancer is shown)
Denis Leary: What's the problem with smoking a joint, eating a couple of Twinkies, and going to sleep, was that a problem?
Edgar Friendly: I've seen the future, you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sittin' around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
(Another clip from No Cure for Cancer is shown)
Denis Leary: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you and fuck you!
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan tells Friendly that Cocteau wants him dead but Phoenix and some of his thawed-out criminal buddies arrive and they start shooting at him while he left wide open and shot at.
(Phoenix and his goons start shooting and they miss)
Sean: (Narrating) Are you kidding me? How do you manage to miss them?! They were out in the open!
"You guys are a bunch of stupid motherfu…. Motherfuddruckers! And that's not a curse word, so don't fine me!" Sean exclaimed.
(We cut to Spartan and Huxley chasing Phoenix by car)
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan and Huxley partake in a car chase while Huxley drives. Yeah, make sure she keeps her foot on the pedal so the bomb won't explode. Oh, wait. That's a year later. (A poster for the movie Speed is shown)
(Spartan manages to jump onto the hood Huxley's police cruiser, which Phoenix is driving)
Simon Phoenix: No free rides!
(Phoenix shoots up at the roof of the car and the bullets doesn't even graze Spartan)
"Are you kidding me? The Imperial and First Order Stormtroopers have better aim than you, buddy." Sean said.
(Spartan throws Phoenix out of the car and onto the highway)
Sean: (Narrating) Phoenix escapes and Spartan crashes the car, only leaving him to be saved by safety foam. Well, call it the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's splooge as he prepares to go after Phoenix with Huxley tagging along. Meanwhile, Phoenix meets with Dr. Cocteau and he still couldn't find himself to kill him. Mostly because of Directive 4.
Simon Phoenix: Look, you can't take away people's rights to be assholes.
Dr. Raymond Cocteau: Hmm?
Simon Phoenix: That's who you remind me of, an evil Mister Rogers. Will you please kill him? He's pissing me off.
(Phoenix tosses the gun to the bald Cryo-Con, who's played by Jesse Ventura)
"Okay, he thawed out Jesse "The Body" Ventura!" Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Jesse Ventura) I'm Jesse Ventura and I told you I was right about the Kennedy Assassination, asshole!
(We see Phoenix preparing to thaw out various criminals in the Cryo-Prison while Spartan and Huxley are getting ready to save the day)
Sean: (Narrating) Phoenix gets ready to thaw out some of the criminals while Spartan and Huxley arrive to… (Spartan stuns Huxley, knocking her out) Oooookay, just Spartan getting ready to save the day. Well, this means for Spartan and Phoenix to duke it out man to man, mano y mano.
John Spartan: Is it cold in here, or is it just me?
Simon Phoenix: Good memory.
(Phoenix punches Spartan in the face a couple of times)
Sean: (Narrating) Phoenix starts beating the everloving crap out of Spartan and before he kills him, only for him to talk.
Simon Phoenix: This is the best day of my life.
"Really, Simon? Haven't you ever learn from action movies? That's the classic movie mistake." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan uses the cryogenic chemical to freeze Phoenix and he whips out a witty one-liner.
John Spartan: Heads up!
(Spartan kicks Phoenix's frozen head off of his body, killing him)
"Okay, I wanted to do this, here are my Losing Your Head jokes." Sean said.
(The same clip is played with each line)
Poor Simon, he lost his head start already.
What's Simon's favorite shampoo? Head and Shoulders!
Let's keep ahead.
(Sings) Get'cha, get'cha head in the game. You gotta get'cha, get'cha, get'cha, get'cha head in the game!
Henry David Thoreau once said it's better to have your head in the clouds.
Simon should have kept his head down.
Not a good time to lose one's head.
It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Simon Phoenix was ahead of their time.
That's not a way to get ahead of life.
"And the number one Losing Your Head joke is…" Sean announced.
Move over Howard Hesseman and Billy Connolly, because Simon Phoenix is now the head of the class.
"Play me off, Paul!" Sean said as he starts dancing while Paul Shaffer from the Late Show with David Letterman plays him off.
(We see Spartan escaping the Cryoprison as it explodes)
Sean: (Narrating) Spartan escapes the Cryoprison as it explodes. Well, we get a wimpy explosion in comparison to that big explosion in the beginning of the movie. Therefore, happy ending! With Cocteau dead, the peaceful society has no idea where to go from here, so Spartan suggests that the police and the Scraps work together and Spartan and Huxley share a kiss before walking off together.
John Spartan: But there's just one thing I want to know.
Lieutenant Lenina Huxley: Hmm?
John Spartan: How's that damn three seashells thing work?
(The credits roll while Sting's "Demolition Man" starts playing)
"And that was Demolition Man, and I friggin' love that movie." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) It's one of my favorite movies ever. It has some great action, great humor and a great story. It's a cheesy action flick with a pretty smart Sci-Fi paint job. When the movie came out, it had some cheesy cliched action in it. There are some silly out there moments in this movie and some great acting. Heck, Wesley Snipes is a riot in the movie and Stallone is great as well. For die hard action fans, you'll love this movie. If you haven't seen it, then go check it out, I recommend it for fans of action and comedy. Demolition Man comes in at 5 swearing citations out of 5.
"Well, that's all we have for Stallone Month. Thank you all for tuning in and seeing me review some of Stallone's movies. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time. And I've got to go use the bathroom. See you guys next time." Sean said as he leaves the living room, then he returns back in the living room. "I forgot to buy the toilet paper."
An idea pops into Sean's head as he looks down at the swearing citations on his coffee table before picking them up.
"I think I've found some toilet paper. See you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Phoenix!
And that is all for Stallone Month and the review of Demolition Man. Sorry for the long wait for me to finish up the review, I've been pretty busy with work and streaming some video games that I've been playing on YouTube. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean the 1986 animated feature Transformers: The Movie, a movie that scarred a generation with their favorite characters getting killed. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.