The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's Summer once again and you know what this means? It's time for another "Summer of…" celebration. Today, it's the start of The Summer of Disney. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic kicks off The Summer of Disney with the first Direct-to-Video sequel from Disney. And that movie is The Return of Jafar. Will Sean unleash his rage on it or will the sound of Gilbert Gottfried singing be the end of him. So sit back, relax and have a great laugh at this one. Here's the new Mayhem Critic chapter The Summer of Disney. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. The Return of Jafar is owned by Disney.
The Summer of Disney Part I: The Return of Jafar
We see Sean J. Archer, aka The Mayhem Critic, sitting on a beach chair inside the comfort of his own backyard patio in the middle of the night. He is also surrounded by his barbecued grill, which was cooking burgers and bratwurst on it, followed by an ice chest filled with beer and the sound of his own boombox, which right now was playing the song "Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band. The song of course was immediately leaving Sean with a bad, disgusting taste in his mouth hearing it bother his ears.
Chorus: *singing* Skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight...
"Blech, this song fucking sucks..." Sean groaned in disgust as he pulled out his pistol and shot the boombox, ending the song already.
He then picks up another boombox and turns it on, this time to the sounds of the ocean itself. He then completed the scenery by opening up a can of Coors Light and sipping on it before replying with a heavenly sigh.
"Now this is much better," Sean said to himself before speaking to the camera, "Oh, hey there, I'm Sean The Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one, especially in this wet, hot American summer. I mean, we all need this time of relaxation after being struck by this stupid-ass virus for quite some time, so what better way than to kick off this awesome summer with four simple words straight out of my vocabulary:
Loud booming voice: THE SUMMER OF DISNEY!
"That's right, The Summer of Disney everyone!" Sean exclaimed, "Where I'll be talking about the cream of the crop from Disney's library, from movies and TV shows. Well, not all of it, but plenty of it to adore and plenty of it to get through this summer, everyone." He then took another sip of his beer before smirking to the camera, "So with that said, let's talk about Disney's Aladdin!"
(Clips from the 1992 movie Aladdin start playing in a montage with "A Whole New World" by Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle start playing in the background.)
Sean: (Narrating) When this film was released before Thanksgiving Day in 1992, it was an instant sensation that Disney cooked up from its million-dollar hands. I mean, we loved everything about this awesome movie from its characters like Aladdin, The Genie, Abu, Iago and Princess Jasmine to its incredible soundtrack with such songs like "Prince Ali", "Friend Like Me" and not to mention the #1 hit smash, "A Whole New World", this was frickin' everywhere. And after that came lunchboxes, backpacks, toothbrushes, an animated TV show, a musical, Funko Pops and not to mention a sweet-ass game for both the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis combined.
"Yep, it was definitely a whole new world indeed." Sean nodded to the camera before staying silent for only seven seconds, "But unfortunately, that's not the movie we're gonna be reviewing today.
(Clips of the 1994 movie, The Return of Jafar, start playing out in a montage while the 8-bit rendition of "Friend Like Me" start playing out.)
Sean: (Narrating) Instead, we're gonna be taking a look at it's direct-to-video sequel, The Return of Jafar, or Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar just in case you probably didn't know this was a sequel. It was released in the late spring of May 20, 1994, and not also was this Disney's first direct-to-video animated film, but this marked the first American direct-to-video animated film ever. The film of course, was directed by Tad Stones, who not also produced Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers and Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, but he created, wrote and produced one of the greatest superheroes Disney's ever had...
(A clip of Darkwing Duck is shown featuring the title character.)
Darkwing Duck: I am the terror that flaps in the night, I am the jailer who throws away the key, I am... feeling really stupid. Boy, I hate it when I'm early.
"Yep, the director created Darkwing Duck, everyone." Sean replied, "So you'll have to thank him for creating an awesome character the next time you see him. But anyway, back to The Return of Jafar, it ended up getting a lot of mixed and negative reviews after it's release, but it's laughed it all the way to the bank by grossing $300 million, becoming one of the best-selling films on home video ever. So is it as bad as it says it is? Well, it's been a while since I've seen The Return of Jafar, so I'll give it a shot. Make sure you got some Domino's Pizza and some Coke with you, because we're gonna ride on this magic carpet we know simply as The Return of Jafar. But only one's thing missing..."
Before they could get to the review though, Sean looked to the left and grabbed a freshly cooked hot dog from the grill and another beer from the cooler before he turned to the camera and said, "Now, let's get to it."
(The movie begins with the similar titles to the original movie and we see a band of criminals riding out in the desert at night)
Sean: (Narrating) As the movie begins, we get our similar titles to the one in the original, except the one in the original film is much better with exquisitely detailed effects animation coming to form the title. This one looks like that they've played around with Windows Movie Maker. And we open with this.
(The theme plays)
Man Singing: Follow me to a place where incredible feats are routine every hour or so…
"What the fucktopus?" Sean asked.
Man Singing: Where enchantment runs rampant. Yes, wild in the streets. Open Sesame, here we go!
"Um, can we play the song from the original film, please?" Sean asked.
(The opening to Aladdin is shown)
Man Singing: Oh, I come from a land from a faraway place where the caravan camels roam. Where it's flat and immense and the heat is intense it's barbaric, but hey, it's home. When the wind's from the east and the sun's from the west and the sand in the glass is right. Come on down, stop on by hop a carpet and fly to another Arabian night!
"Notice anything different?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) They wrote new lyrics to a classic song. Seriously? I mean, we've only just started this movie and already you clowns have already ran out of ideas.
"Okay, maybe I'm being a little too harsh. I mean, it's just one song. And trust me, when you hear the original songs for the movie, yeah, you'll be glad that they ripped this one off. Oh, and they used that theme for the TV series that they showed on CBS." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we get a full minute and a half of these band of criminals riding in the desert and they arrive at their hideout filled with thieves. We see that this gang of thieves is led by their leader Abis Mal, voiced by Jason Alexander.
"Abis Mal? Really, Abis Mal? Well, we're gonna have an abysmal time!" Sean exclaimed before taking a bite out of his hot dog.
Thief (Voiced by Jeff Bennett): How is it you get the jeweled flower, Abis Mal?
Abis Mal (Voiced by Jason Alexander): Why, this is my bonus for being your beloved leader. (Points to the sack of treasure) This and that and that are my beloved-leader bonus.
"I see that George Costanza has taken a life of crime in his spare time after being cooped up in his parent's house." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The gang gets sick and tired of Abis Mal screwing with them until they begin to notice the treasure chest moving on it's own. But one of the thieves grabs the chest and it turns out to be Abu, the adorable little monkey, voiced by Frank Welker. He ends up getting captured until…
Aladdin (Voiced by Scott Weinger): Put him down, Abis Mal!
(Abu pulls Abis Mal's hat over his head before we cut to Aladdin walking over the heads of thieves)
Abis Mal: Who are you?
Aladdin: My friends call me Al. You can call me Aladdin.
"What the hell? That introductory line sucks! That is not a great introductory line to say to your enemy. What? Is Aladdin gonna pull out a machine gun and shoot everybody. Come on! Here's a better introductory line." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker is shown)
Batman (Voiced by Will Friedle): It's a school night, boys and girls. I'm gonna have to call your folks.
"Yeah, kinda like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Our main hero Aladdin, voiced by Steve from Full House and Fuller House himself Scott Weinger, just immediately whoops these guys' asses and he takes their stolen treasure.
(Abis Mal jumps and grabs onto the Magic Carpet. Abu sees the jeweled flower and takes it)
Abis Mal: (Let's go of the carpet) That's mine!
(Abis Mal screams and falls onto the hand of a statue. The statue's hand breaks off and falls. A piece of the hand breaks off and hits Abis Mal's head)
"Boy, the leader of the thieves is a complete idiot. Couldn't these guys just kill him yet and get a new leader?" Sean asked.
(A clip from That 70s Show is shown)
Red Foreman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): (Points) There's the dumbass!
(We see Aladdin and Abu flying on the Magic Carpet as they fly out of their hideout and head back to Agrabah)
"Oh, wow. That carpet ride sequence was exciting. I was totally on the edge of my seat." Sean said in a nonchalant tone before speaking in a normal tone. "How did the flying sequence in the original film go?"
(The Magic Carpet sequence from Aladdin is shown as we see Aladdin and Abu flying their way out of the Cave of Wonders in an amazing CGI-animated sequence)
Aladdin: (As Abu climbs on top of Aladdin's heat and covers his eyes) Abu, this is no time to panic.
(Aladdin pulls Abu off of his head and sees that they're headed straight towards a wall)
Aladdin: Start panicking.
(The Magic Carpet heads down and enters a room filled with gold right when lava starts pouring out)
We cut back to Sean, who has made a shocked look on his face after seeing the amazing sequence. "Oh, man. This is gonna suck balls. I just know it."
Sean: (Narrating) After that "amazing" flying sequence that made you wish that you should be watching a better movie, we cut to the middle of a desert, where we see…
(We see Iago managing to dig himself and Jafar's genie lamp out of the sand)
Iago (Voiced by Gilbert Gottfried): (Sputters and coughs) Finally.
"Oh, Christ." Sean said as he grabs himself another can of beer.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that annoying bird Iago, voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, digging himself and Jafar's genie lamp from out of the sand for some reason. Maybe Jafar had a fucking shovel in that lamp of his so Iago can dig their way out of the Cave of Wonders. Jafar, brilliantly voiced by Jonathan Freeman, continues to boss Iago around, but Iago is getting sick and tired of Jafar's shit, so he…
(The song "I'm Looking Out For Me" starts)
Iago: (Sings) That's it, I've had it. I hate to be dramatic but it's time for me to fly the coop…
Sean makes a face after he hears Iago singing.
Iago: (Sings) Terrific! Fine! I'm drawing the line before I wind up in a parrot soup. (Picks up the lamp and flies it over towards a well) I was a fool to let you run the show. I'm cutting you loose, pal. Look out below! (Drops the lamp into the well)
"They gave Gilbert Gottfried a song… and they're letting him sing?" Sean asked.
Iago: (Singing) I'm looking out for me…
"Okay, in all honesty, I love this song. It isn't the worst song and it has a nice beat to it and some decent lyrics. But the only thing that kills it is Gilbert Gottfried's singing. Look, I love Gilbert Gottfried's style of humor, he's talented in that department. Singing is not in his department." Sean said.
Iago: (Singing) Okay, I'm little. Been playing second fiddle. And I don't get no respect.
(A camel spits at Iago)
Iago: (Singing) I turn the other cheek. But this busted beak is the only thanks that I get. I never found a friend that I can trust. They promise caviar and leave me eating dust. That's some reward for loyalty...
"Oh, God! Make it stop!" Sean groaned as he rubbed his temples. "Letting Gilbert Gottfried sing is like letting Kevin Conroy's Batman sing."
(A clip from the Justice League Unlimited episode This Little Piggy is shown)
Batman (Voiced by Kevin Conroy): (Singing) Am I blue? Am I blue? And these tears in my eyes tellin' you.
"Okay, letting Batman sing is much more awesome. And I think Wonder Woman got turned on and wanted to jump his bones after hearing him sing. And I think Taylor got aroused from hearing that smooth butter voice of his. Am I sure that she didn't write a naughty fanfic for Justice League Unlimited where she had a threesome with Bruce Wayne and Wonder Woman. Taylor!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) After the street vendors throw a watermelon at Iago to stop him from singing, thank you, Mr. Vendor. Aladdin returns to Agrabah and gives the treasure to the poor.
"I guess you could call him the Robin Hood of Agrabah. He's stealing from thieves who steal from the rich and he's giving it to the poor." Sean said.
(A sound clip from The Simpsons plays)
Heckler (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): You suck, McBain!
Sean immediately picks up his Uzi and starts shooting at the audience members as they start screaming. "Now, where was I?"
Aladdin: Don't worry, Abu. I'm not throwing everything. (Pulls out the jeweled flower)
Abu (Voiced by Frank Welker): Yes! (Does a flip)
Aladdin: This is for Jasmine.
(Abu's jaw drop in shock)
"Uh, Al? Shouldn't you be giving that to DJ Tanner? I'm sure she would appreciate a jeweled flower that was stolen. She'll never know. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Aladdin and Abu return to the palace, where Rajah, also voiced by Frank Welker, pounces on him and licks his face rather than eating his face off. And Aladdin is greeted by Jasmine, voiced by Linda Larkin.
Princess Jasmine (Voiced by Linda Larkin): Where were you? I missed you.
Aladdin: (Pulls out the jeweled flower) I had to pick up a few things. This is for you. (Gives the jeweled flower to Jasmine)
Princess Jasmine: Oh, Aladdin, it's lovely.
Abu: (Imitates Jasmine) Lovely.
(Jasmine kisses Aladdin)
Princess Jasmine: It must've cost a fortune.
Aladdin: Oh, no, it was a steal.
(Aladdin looks at the camera and the animation where he smiles and his eyebrows move up and down look weird)
"What the hell is up with that animation? It looks horrible. Hell, the original movie had better animation than this one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jasmine tells Aladdin that her father wants him to join them for dinner tonight and that he's going to make a royal announcement all while Abu has his eyes on the jeweled flower and tries to steal it.
"And now, my friends. It's time to play…" Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(The logo for "Wheel of Continuity" is shown)
Audience: Wheel of Continuity!
(The Wheel of Fortune theme from 1989 to 1992 starts playing)
Sean: (as game show host Roger Lodge) Good evening, folks. I'm your host Roger Lodge and welcome to Wheel of Continuity. Where we spot continuity errors in our movie. Now, let's take a look at this continuity error.
(We cut to footage from The Return of Jafar and we see the jeweled flower in the vase with the white flower)
Sean: (V/O) You see that vase? There's one real flower in it, meaning that there are two flowers in it. When Abu tries to steal the jeweled flower, he grabs the real flower, (The camera zooms in on the vase with the white flower and the jeweled flower. The white flower is still in the vase) and you see that the white flower is still in the vase with the jeweled flower. (We see the vase is highlighted and we see that the white flower and the jeweled flower are both gone) Oh, wait. Hold on. It looks like the white flower and the jeweled flower are both gone. (We see that the jeweled flower is still in the vase) Wait as second, the jeweled flower is still in the vase.
Sean: And no, I did not change the order of those shots at all. That is really what happens. Congratulations! You just won! You win an all-expense paid trip to the drawing board, Disney animators! Now, back to our review!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Iago complains about not living in the palace any more and he sees Aladdin getting ready to take a stroll into town.
Iago: The street rat is living in the palace now?
"Well, duh! Of course he's living in the palace now. He's the one who stopped you and Jafar and saved Agrabah from certain destruction. Plus, he's marrying Jasmine. You think that the Sultan is going to kick him back out on the street after all of that shit?! Christ, this is stupid!
Sean: (Narrating) So Iago tries to get Aladdin's sympathy and because Aladdin's not a complete idiot, he doesn't fall for the parrot's act, so Aladdin and Abu chase Iago through town until they run into a familiar face.
Abis Mal: (Sees Aladdin) You look familiar.
Thugs: It's Aladdin.
Abis Mal: Where? It is? I knew that.
"How can this idiot not recognize him? This is the same punk who stole from you! What kind of leader are you and why haven't anyone killed you yet? And why are they taking orders from this guy?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they all brawl it out and Abis Mal tries to attack them with a fish, but it doesn't work out as Iago saves Aladdin from being killed by the guys that he tossed around.
Aladdin: (To Iago) Thanks for your help. You saved me.
Iago: I did? Right! Oh, yeah, of course I saved you. It's my nature. I'm always rescuing things. Cats, babies, guys like you. Always rescuing.
"Riiiiiiiiiiiight." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Aladdin decides to give Iago a fair trial but he knows that the Sultan and Jasmine won't take it very well, so he decides to keep it a secret until he has a chance to break it to them gently. Yeah, remember that whole lesson in the first film where Aladdin learned about honesty and being honest with the people he loves? Well, you can throw that out of the window now.
Princess Jasmine: You aren't hiding anything from me, are you? Any more secrets?
Aladdin: Secrets? (Coughs) Of course not. Uh… I almost lost you once that way. I'll never make that mistake again.
(A clip from the show Outmatched is shown)
Leila Bennett (Played by Oakley Bull): You're a dick.
"Yeah! What she said! You just acknowledged the fact that you almost lost the woman you love because you weren't being honest with her and now you're being dishonest again, you stupid bastard! Do you not care about this girl's trust or feelings at all?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But before that scene gets a chance to sink in, an old friend returns to surprise Aladdin and Jasmine.
Genie (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): He's big. He's blue. He's back!
"And he sounds different!" Sean exclaimed with a look on his face.
(Aladdin and Jasmine run towards the Genie and give him a big hug as he turns red)
Aladdin: Genie!
Princess Jasmine: You came back!
Genie: Ow! Ooh! Watch the sunburn! (Turns blue) Ha! Kidding! Did you miss me? Be honest.
"Okay, I guess it's a fine time to talk about this casting change for the Genie." Sean said.
(A picture of Robin Williams is shown and scenes from Aladdin is shown featuring the Genie)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, when Robin Williams was approached to play the voice of the Genie in the first film, we was glad to accept the role. Not only because he was grateful for Disney reviving his career in the late '80s with Good Morning Vietnam and Dead Poets Society, he was also a big fan of Disney films and wanted to take part in their legacy. Well, there was one little problem. In 1992, Aladdin was scheduled to be released at the same time as another Robin Williams movie called Toys, which was directed by Good Morning Vietnam director Barry Levinson. Due to this, Robin Williams agreed to star in Aladdin for an extremely low amount of money on the condition that his name and image as a celebrity was not to be used in the marketing of the film as a cheap promotional gimmick.
(The castle thunder sound effect is heard as a photo of Jeffrey Katzenberg is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) That is until the then-studio chairman Jeffrey Katzenberg, who's the biggest asshole in Hollywood went back on his word and decided to play up the film's marketing with Robin Williams' image as a celebrity. This pissed off Williams and he refused to work with Disney for several years. And when Jeffrey Katzenberg got fired, he was replaced by Joe Roth, who wrote a public apology to Williams.
(Another photo of Robin Williams is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) During that time, for this film and the TV series that they showed on CBS, Robin Williams, one of the greatest comedians of all time and one of my favorite actors was replaced by the incredible talents and the comedic sensibilities and the genius of…
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
"He's been replaced by Homer Simpson himself, Dan Castellaneta." Sean said.
(A clip from Good Will Hunting is shown)
Sean (Played by Robin Williams): Son of a bitch…
Sean: (Narrating) Now don't get me wrong, Dan Castellaneta is a very talented voice actor. He's done a lot of great voices over the years like Homer Simpson, Krusty the Clown, The Robot Devil, Scarface and Arnold Wesker, Megavolt, Dr. Emmet Brown, Arnold's Grandpa and Earthworm Jim. And he's really trying his hardest to replicate Robin Williams' fantastic performance in the first film. But only Robin Williams can voice the Genie. He can ab lib anything. In this one, you have the writers trying to come up with some ad libs only Robin Williams can come up with.
Genie: Careful, they're heavy. Hang on. I got souvenirs for everybody./I may be free, but I still have some magic in me. (He poofs into a magician) I can still do this! (Pulls out a flower, then the flower latches onto his face and starts sucking his face off. He then reaches into the flower and grabs his face and putting it back on his head) Hate to lose face in front of you guys. Give me another chance./Okay, prepare yourselves for a real culinary treat. (He cuts up some carrots) Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
Aladdin: You saw the whole world already?
(The Genie turns into the miniature toys from the It's a Small World ride)
Genie: (Sings) It's a small world after all.
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Homer Simpson: I said, are you ready to laugh?!
Woman: Quiet, you awful man.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the Genie explains that he's been all over the world already and he decides to sing about it...
(The song "Nothing in the World (Quite Like a Friend)" begins)
Genie: (Sings) I parachuted down into the Taj Mahal. I rollerbladed all along the great Great Wall…
"Ohhhhhhhh dear." Sean said. "Better bring the racism meter up."
Genie: (Sings) I even made the famous Leaning Tower fall. But who was with me through it all? Nobody! The Moscow Circus hired me to fly trapeze. On Mount Olympus ran a race with Hercules…
(The "Racism Meter" is shown while the song continues. We see the arrow on the Racism Meter is on Malcolm X, then it moves up to Dave Chappelle, then it moves up to The Boondocks and up to David Duke, the arrow goes up to Glenn Beck's name and the arrow stops on Donald Trump, causing the alarm to go haywire)
"Great googly moogly! The racism meter is going haywire! Shut it off! Shut it off!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, let's break this song down bit by bit, shall we. We have the Genie as an Asian man wearing a rice patty hat and pulling a rickshaw across the Great Wall of China, next he's an Italian stereotype riding a bike into the Leaning Tower of Pisa, then he's a bear wearing a Russian hat and juggling while riding a unicycle across a tightrope in the Moscow Circus, then he's a guy wearing a crown wearing sandals and a toga while racing Hercules in Greece, an Indian snake charmer in India while sounding like Apu, an Egyptian Pharaoh on a sarcophagus, a female Morrocan harem dancer, a pinata that turns into a lazy Mexican mariachi singer.
"Holy shit. I've seen less racism on episodes of In Living Color. Oh, I'm sure Genie is missing a few ethnicities to talk about. He's missing the blacks, the Irish and the Native Americans. And I'm black, part Irish and part Native American and I'm offended with this! What the hell were they thinking?!" Sean exclaimed.
Genie, Aladdin and Princess Jasmine: (Sings) There's nothing in the world quite like a friend.
Sean: (Notices a continuity error) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go back.
(The footage plays back as we see Aladdin on Genie's right side and Jasmine on Genie's left side)
Sean: (V/O) Did you guys see that? Aladdin was standing on the right and Jasmine was standing on the left. But when the scene switches, we see that Aladdin and Jasmine switched places! How the hell did they get away with that shit!
"And also, why the hell does the Genie still wearing his bracelets? He's been freed! Have they not watched the original movie?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Lion King is shown)
Scar (Voiced by Jeremy Irons): I'm surrounded by idiots.
Sean: (Narrating) So after a few painfully unfunny jokes, we cut to Abis Mal and his men in the middle of the desert and while Abis Mal is getting some water from the well, his henchmen plot to kill him… finally! But then, Abis Mal finds Jafar's lamp and gives it a nice rub to make it nice and shiny, and this happens.
(A red smoke comes out of the lamp, scaring off the henchmen)
Thief: It is bewitched!
(Jafar laughs and he is freed)
Jafar the Genie (Voiced by Maurice LaMarche): I am free! Free to exact vengeance upon he who has imprisoned me.
"Alright, alright. Let me mention this. Jafar the Genie is voiced by Maurice LaMarche and he's uncredited. And second Jafar the Genie doesn't look that menacing like in the last movie" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar tries to leave but he is bound by the magic of the lamp. He tries to order Abis Mal around, but the poor guy is scared by the giant bearded muscular genie, so he takes on a more human form.
Jafar: (In his human form) I trust you'll find me a little less overwhelming now?
Sean then breaks down in laughter from the sight of Jafar.
"Oh man, so much for dignity. I can't even take you seriously in that pink robe." Sean said, laughing.
Sean: (Narrating) So, with Abis Mal finding out that Jafar is a genie, he'd figure he get his three wishes. And he proclaims this "The Summer of Abis Mal"!
Abis Mal: I want riches, treasure. Let's see… I know… I wish for the legendary sunken treasure ship of Kordumair.
Jafar: Your wish is my command.
(Abis Mal is teleported into a sunken ship, where an octopus tentacle tries to attack him. He comes across a shark as Jafar pops up and swims into his arms)
Jafar: Poor, sweet baby. Aren't we enjoying our wish?
Abis Mal: (While the octopus tentacle squeezes him) No!
Jafar: Perhaps you wish me to return you to the desert?
(Abis Mal nods his head)
Abis Mal: Yes!
Jafar: Very well.
(Jafar and Abis Mal appear back in the desert)
"Oh, boy. Abis Mal is definitely going to experience some shrinkage down there." Sean said, referencing Seinfeld.
(A clip from the Seinfeld fifth season episode The Hamptons is shown)
George Costanza: (Looks down and sees that he's experiencing shrinkage) I WAS IN THE POOL! I WAS IN THE POOL!
Jafar: That was two wishes. Take your time with the third, or you will wish you had never been born.
"Let's hope that the third wish involves him being an architect named Art Vanderlay, wishing he could be with Marisa Tomei, wishing to have hair on his head or have his nickname be Koko the Monkey." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar tells Abis Mal that if he cooperates with him, he'll reward him with riches beyond his wildest dreams, but first he wants him to help him get revenge on a certain street rat by the name of…
Jafar: Aladdin.
"Son of a bitch… he stole my line." Sean said, referencing the last line in Good Will Hunting.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jafar wants revenge on Aladdin and so does that moron Abis Mal. Back at Agrabah, we see that the Genie is whipping up a delicious meal with some lackluster entertainment and I'd rather be going to Benihana for dinner entertainment with my girlfriend. The Sultan is voiced by Val Bettin, who you might recognize him as the voice of Dawson from another Disney movie The Great Mouse Detective.
"They couldn't afford to get Douglas Seale to reprise his role as the Sultan? But they made a wise choice in casting Dawson's voice actor, so that's good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, the Sultan reveals the surprise to Aladdin.
Sultan (Voiced by Val Bettin): Aladdin, you have proven to be a man of strong moral character. That is why I've decided to make you my new royal vizier.
Aladdin: Me? Really?
Princess Jasmine: Isn't it wonderful?
Genie: Wow! Royal vizier!
(A tuxedo magically appears on Aladdin and his hair is slick back)
Genie: Aladdin would like to thank the Academy for this great honor. (He's now dressed as a vendor) You want 'em, we got 'em, royal vizier T-shirts.
"Oh, God. I just want to strangle Jeffrey Katzenberg with my bare hands for pissing off Robin Williams." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Abu is still outside guarding Iago and for some reason wearing a completely different outfit. God, the continuity in this film is bad. Anyway, Abu sees Rajah staring at his delicious treat, so he opens the cage, which doesn't have a lock on it.
"Goddamn it! Another continuity error! If there was no lock on the cage, then why the hell couldn't Iago get out?! To the Disney animators, I would just like to say: STOP FUCKING THINGS UP!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Rajah chases Iago into the dinner room and when the Sultan sees Iago, he orders him to be killed, but Aladdin save the talking parrot from being killed by the voice of Darkwing Duck, and he becomes a rambling idiot and comes up with the most idiotic defense ever.
Aladdin: Your Highness, I think Iago was… Uh…
Iago: (To Aladdin) Mesmerized.
Aladdin: Yeah, yeah. He was under Jafar's spell. Remember the snake staff? Iago was only… Uh… Look, I just… Iago's not all that bad. At least, I don't think so, anyway.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the Sultan doesn't buy it and for some crazy reason, he allows Aladdin to take responsibility for watching Iago. Care to explain? Can we get an explanation? No? None? Well, kiss my ass, movie! Let's hope that Princess Jasmine's not pissed.
Princess Jasmine: How could you? More secrets, more lies. Aladdin, I thought you had changed.
"Well, he hadn't changed because you know why? Aladdin's a dick!" Sean yelled out.
Genie: (Sighs) That's the problem with doing the right thing. Sometimes you do it by yourself.
"Wha… the… what? The right thing? The right thing?! The right thing he should've done was to be honest from the beginning about Iago being on the palace premises instead of lying his ass off. You're pissing me off, movie. I'm headed toward Tony Soprano-style anger. I just want to yell out like Batman when he wasn't there to save Commissioner Gordon's life. I want to yell in anger and beat something up with my bare hands like Superman after Darkseid killed Dan Turpin! Movie, I want to throw you in an open grave and tip over an angel statue so you can get crushed to death like Buzz freakin' Bronski! YOU JUST PISSED OFF THE WRONG CRITIC!" Sean yelled out.
"Hey, Archer! Shut the hell up over there!" Sean's neighbor yelled out.
"Blow me, O'Doyle!" Sean shouted.
Sean: (Narrating) So, while Aladdin goes off to moap, the Genie convinces Iago to get Aladdin and Jasmine back together. So, he goes to Jasmine and does a little reverse psychology on her and she doesn't seem at all phased by the fact that Aladdin isn't guarding Iago. Shouldn't that idiot be guarding him instead of, oh I don't know, letting him out of his cage?!
Princess Jasmine: But he didn't have to lie to me.
Iago: You are so right.
(The song "Forget About Love" starts)
Iago: (Singing) Forget about that guy. Forget about the way you fell into his eyes.
"OH GOD! NOT ANOTHER GILBERT GOTTFRIED SONG! AND THIS IS MUCH WORSE THAN THE FIRST ONE!" Sean snapped.
Iago: (Continues to sing) Forget about the way he held you in his arms. Walking on air's obnoxious. The thrills, the chills will make you nauseous.
"God, my ears are starting to bleed from his singing! Make it stop! Please, make it stop!" Sean said as he pleaded while crying.
Iago: (Sings) Love really is revolting. It's even worse than when you're molting. Enough of this fluff, just forget about love.
Princess Jasmine (Singing voice by Liz Calloway): (Sings) I had almost forgotten the way it felt, when he held out his hand for mine.
"And Jasmine's singing voice is a different singer. You couldn't afford to get Lea Salonga to do the singing voice for Jasmine, you cheap sons of bitches." Sean said.
Princess Jasmine: (Sings) My heart all aflutter.
Iago: (Sings) Oh, how I shudder.
Princess Jasmine: (Sings) The first time we kissed.
Iago: (Sings) It won't be missed.
(We then cut to a scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, where we see Belloq's head exploding)
Sean: (Narrating) So after you survive that headache that we call Gilbert Gottfried singing, the beauty of Iago's singing was enough to get Aladdin and Jasmine back together like Hanna and Caleb from Pretty Little Liars, Abis Mal sneaks onto the palace grounds and releases Jafar. He spies on the group and… (Sees that Aladdin is wearing his street rat outfit)
"Suddenly, Aladdin is in his street rat clothing instead of his Prince Ali outfit. This movie is pissing me off with it's continuity errors." Sean said. "Did anybody check for this kind of thing?"
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jafar reveals himself to Iago and forces him to play along with his dastardly plan, which is, of course lead Aladdin into a trap. The next day, Iago suggests to Aladdin that he should take the Sultan out for a scenic flight on the Carpet and patch things up with him.
Iago: I can take you to the perfect spot.
Aladdin: Great.
Princess Jasmine: Come on, let's get Father.
"Gee wiz, what a nice guy. And the two of them are not a least bit suspicious about this?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 is shown)
Emperor Yoshiro (Played by George Takei): You are made of stupid.
Sean: (Narrating) While Aladdin takes the Sultan out to an oasis, and I can clearly see Aztec construction in the background.
"Wow, I didn't know that the Aztecs built their temples in Arabia." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see that the Genie and Abu are having a nice picnic until Jafar arrives to deal with our heroes.
Genie: Don't worry, Abu. He's a genie, and genies can't kill anyone.
(Jafar's hands turn into dragons and breathe fire on the Genie)
Genie: But you'd be surprised what you can live through.
Sean: (Narrating) But Jafar makes short work with the Genie and we get the best song of the movie, which is the dark version of "Friend Like Me" and this song is called "You're Only Second Rate".
(The song "You're Only Second Rate" starts playing)
Jafar: (Sings) Go ahead and zap me with the big surprise. Slap me in a trap. Cut me down to size. I'll make a great escape, it's just a piece of cake, you're only second-rate. You know, your hocus-pocus isn't tough enough. And your mumbo jumbo doesn't measure up. Let me pontificate upon your sorry state you're only second-rate.
"After listening to Gilbert Gottfried singing, at least I get to hear the soulful sounds of Jonathan Freeman singing. Much better." Sean said.
Jafar: (Sings) Zabacabadabra.
(The Genie and Abu run to another room and turns a rocking chair around and see that it's Jafar disguised as an old lady)
Jafar: (Sings) Granny's gonna grab ya!
"Aaaaaah! Jafar makes a creepy old lady. I think he's the inspiration for that game Granny." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Jafar captures the Genie and Abu and while Aladdin is with the Sultan, Iago tries to talk to Aladdin until Abis Mal and a group of cloaked horsemen come to kidnap the Sultan.
(Aladdin sees that Abis Mal and the horsemen are on flying horses)
Aladdin: Abis Mal knows magic?
"Abis Mal knows magic?" Sean asked while stammering a bit. "Play the clip."
(A clip from Mean Girls is shown)
Regina George (Played by Rachel McAdams): God, Karen, you are so stupid!
(While trying to save the Sultan out of the waterspout, Aladdin and the carpet end up getting sucked in. Aladdin gets thrown back out and into the raging river. He tries to grab onto a rock and clearly misses it. Suddenly, Aladdin is seen grabbing the rock he just missed)
"What the fuck? Go back!" Sean exclaimed.
(The footage of Aladdin grabbing the rock that he just missed grabbing is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) What? He went past the rock downstream and now all of a sudden he's behind it? This movie and it's goddamn continuity errors! So, Jafar captures the Sultan and leaves Aladdin at the side of the river. Aladdin eventually wakes up and heads back to Agrabah, where Jafar has ample time to prepare for his arrival, in which he frames Aladdin for the murder of the Sultan.
Razoul (Voiced by Jim Cummings): And then you went over the waterfall, eh? Pah! How did you survive?
Aladdin: I don't… I don't know.
Razoul: How very convenient.
Aladdin: It's the truth! Why won't you believe me?
Princess Jasmine: Because we know you're lying. (Holds her father's turban) I found this in your room. My father's turban, slashed.
Aladdin: You can't think…
Princess Jasmine: I thought you loved me, but now I see that all you wanted to do was rule Agrabah.
Aladdin: I never wanted…
Princess Jasmine: He shall die at dawn for the murder of my father.
"Jesus, movie! Couldn't you just kill him for being in Fuller House? I think that sounds fitting enough." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar poses as Jasmine after capturing the real Jasmine. As dawn rises Razoul and his men prepare to execute Aladdin while Iago's guilt gets the best of him when he tries to free the Genie. And for some reason, the guards take Aladdin out to a high tower for the execution. Then, Jafar arrives posing as Jasmine just to taunt him before he's executed. As they're about to execute Aladdin, Iago frees the Genie in the nick of time by lifting the orb and dropping it.
"Why couldn't he have done that before?!" Sean yelled out a bit.
Sean: (Narrating) That stupid parrot should've waited till after Jafar posed as Jasmine to see him at the dungeon and that way he could've picked up the damn orb and drop it?! Or why couldn't the Genie free himself?
"YOU ARE STUPID!" Sean screamed.
"Shut up, Archer! Or I'm coming over there to kick your ass!" O'Doyle shouted.
"Why don't you make me, O'Doyle?!" Sean exclaimed.
All of a sudden, Sean starts fearing for his life when he sees O'Doyle walking towards the fence as the young critic immediately heads inside and locks the sliding door.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, because Iago freed the Genie, all is forgiven. Now, all that's left is to stop Jafar and the Genie explains how to stop Jafar.
Genie: You destroy Jafar's lamp, you destroy Jafar.
Aladdin: Then that's what we'll do.
"Alright. Look here, if the Genie knew this the whole time, then why didn't he destroy the lamp in the first movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So, we see that Jafar is large and in charge as him and Abis Mal celebrate the "death" of Aladdin. He tries to bribe Abis Mal with some treasure so he can free him from the lamp while the Genie tries to take the lamp, but he fails miserably until Abis Mal tries to make the last wish to free Jafar.
Abis Mal: Wait. How do I know that these things won't disappear once I set you free?
Jafar: The more pressing question is, how will you stay alive if you don't?
Abis Mal: But-but you said genies can't kill. You said that.
Jafar: You'd be surprised what you can live through.
"At least you can make him live through The Summer of Abis Mal." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jafar sees Abu getting ready to steal the lamp and Aladdin gets into a struggle with Abis Mal over the lamp. Jafar immediately blasts the two of them out of the throne room and he turns into his red genie form as he immediately knocks out the Genie and disables the carpet, and he then opens up a pit of lava from underneath the ground. I know, just go with it.
Jafar the Genie: Give it up, boy! (Fires his eye beams at Aladdin, hitting the rock and making it sink a bit) You shall never have my lamp. And there is no one to save you this time.
(Iago flies to the rescue)
Iago: Hey, Jafar! Shut up!
Aladdin: Iago?
(A clip from Family Ties is shown)
Steven Keaton (Played by Michael Gross): No! No!
Jafar the Genie: Traitor!
(Jafar blasts at Iago as the parrot grabs the lamp and flies over to Aladdin. He blasts at Iago, hitting him)
Princess Jasmine: No!
(Another clip from Family Ties is shown)
Steven Keaton: (Gets down on his knees) Yes! Yes! Thank you!
"Iago, here's a little tip, when trying to do a surprise attack on someone, don't announce that you're coming, you idiot." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) To make this short, Jafar is defeated for good after Iago knocks the lamp into the lava and everything returns to normal, but sadly Iago is dead. I guess we have no choice but to mourn for…
Aladdin: But, I thought a genie couldn't kill anyone.
Iago: (Coughs) You'd be surprised what you can live for.
Aladdin: (Sees that Iago is alive) Alright!
"It's a miracle! Wait, didn't they clearly say that genies couldn't kill anyone when we clearly saw that Jafar was trying to kill Aladdin and that he almost killed Iago?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! The day is saved and Iago is alive. But Aladdin announces to the Sultan that he's not ready to become the grand vizier and wants to see the world, with Jasmine joining along for the ride while Iago rants about this.
Iago: (Ranting) Why do I keep getting hooked up with these warped people? Shouldn't somebody ask what the brave parrot wants to do?
Sean: (Narrating) And they all live happily ever after, the…
(We see Abis Mal still stuck on the tree branch)
Abis Mal: Does this mean I don't get my third wish?
"I hate you. But the good news is, we don't have to deal with that annoying character ever again." Sean said.
(A poster for Aladdin: The Series is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Goddamn it!
"And that was The Return of Jafar. So, what did I think of it? I can sum it up with three words… IT SUCKS ASS!" Sean yelled out.
(Clips from the movie are shown while the end credits theme plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, the very first Direct-To-Video sequel disappointed us. What an eternity of torture this movie is. The characters are idiots, you got some Saturday morning cartoon animation, a bunch of continuity errors that would piss you off, the story and the ending feel really rushed, you don't have Robin Williams as the Genie. The movie just looks like crap.
"I'm sure that everybody can agree with me on this one. It sucked. Hey, I wonder how Siskel and Ebert reacted to the movie." Sean said.
(A clip from Siskel & Ebert is shown)
Roger Ebert: The Return of Jafar gets two thumbs up with this sequel to the big animated hit Aladdin. It's got some nice songs, some funny moments. But it's only on video, it's not in theaters.
Gene Siskel: Also, The Return of Jafar, surprisingly good. It is available on home video.
Sean looks at the camera in shock as he grabs himself a can of beer, opening it up and takes a sip before saying another word.
"They liked this movie?! Siskel and Ebert, my favorite movie critic of all time, liked… this… movie. I hate to speak ill of the dead but what were they smoking?!" Sean exclaimed. "Well, I'm different from Siskel and Ebert because here's what I'm gonna give this movie…"
Sean: (Narrating) Two magic carpet rides out of five!
"And that's all for today's review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, tune in next time when we take a look at a movie involving a cute kitten and dogs, with a Dickensian twist." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- My friends call me Al. You can call me Aladdin.
And that's all for part one of The Summer of Disney for The Mayhem Critic and I hope that you all enjoyed the review of the movie. Yeah, I had to throw in the Siskel & Ebert reference where they liked the movie. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean and Brian take a look at the 1988 animated feature in the last film of Disney's transitional era, Oliver and Company and see if it's an underrated classic and one of the best movies ever. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, which Disney movie or television show do you want me to review for TSOD: The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Gargoyles, The Lion King (The 2019 Version) or Sky High (As a little tribute to the late Kelly Preston)? I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.