The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean went back to his childhood and closed out the end of summer with the 1992 direct-to-video movie Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent My Vacation and he enjoyed it. Today, Sean takes a look at the final installment in the Jaws franchise, Jaws: The Revenge (also known as Jaws 4: The Revenge) and rants about how bad it is. Trust me, it won't end well. Now, sit back and get ready to enjoy the new hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Jaws: The Revenge is owned by Universal Pictures.
Episode Ninety-Eight
Jaws: The Revenge
We open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting in his living room while drinking a can of Sprite before starting the review.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Let's talk about the movie Jaws."
(The title screen from the 1975 movie Jaws is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the Jaws theme by John Williams plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, we all remember the movie that made us afraid to go back into the water. Jaws was based on the best-selling novel by Peter Benchley and it was directed by Steven Spielberg. The film stars Roy Scheider as Chief Martin Brody, Richard Dreyfuss as marine biologist Hooper and the late Robert Shaw as Quint. What is the film about? It's about a shark terrorizing the waters of Amity Island. And when people are dropping like flies, it's up to Brody, Hooper and Quint to hunt the beast down and end its reign of terror once and for all. Spoiler alert for those of you who haven't seen it, Brody faces off with the shark and blows it up. So with the shark defeated, I'm sure that there's no way that they're going to make a sequel.
(The title screen for Jaws 2 is show while the main title music plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Right, until the shark made an unexplained comeback in Jaws 2.
"Because trust me, this must be the Jason Voorhees of great white sharks," Sean added in comparison, "He just keeps coming back for more."
(Clips of Jaws 2 start to play in a clip montage while Sean continues to narrate.)
Sean: (Narrating) The second sequel was released on June 16, 1978 and it had Roy Scheider reprising his role as Brody, alongside Lorraine Grey and Murray Hamiliton. This time, instead of Steven Spielberg in the director's chair, we get Jeannot Szwarc who of course directed...
(A picture of the Supergirl movie poster pops up on screen.)
"Yeah, that." Sean said as he sarcastically rolled his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, even though it wasn't quite the masterpiece like Jaws, it was still a pretty enjoyable movie for what it was. Plus, this movie was responsible for that memorable tagline, "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...", which would go on to be one of the most famous taglines in film history. Once again, and this is gonna be a spoiler, the shark gets electrocuted and gets turned well done. Now that's badass.
"Of course, with a death like that, there's no way the shark can come back from something like that, huh?" Sean smirked before groaning heavily in defeat, "Except... he did."
(The title screen for Jaws 3-D is shown as the main theme continued to play.)
"Yeesh, thank goodness I'm not reviewing that today." Sean said, shaking his head in relief.
(Clips of Jaws 3-D start to play in a clip montage)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, boy. Here we go. Jaws 3 or Jaws 3-D was released in theaters on July 22, 1983. What is this movie's gimmick? It's in 3-D. (Posters of films like Friday the 13th Part 3, Amityville 3-D and Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare are shown) Yeah, back in the 80s and 90s, Hollywood gotta put their movies in 3-D. And trust me, the 3-D effects suck in the movie. It's so hilariously bad. The film starred Dennis Quaid as Chief Brody's son Mike Brody, Bess Armstrong, Simon MacCorkindale, Louis Gossett Jr., John Putch as Sean Brody and a pre-Back to the Future Lea Thompson.
(A picture of Lea Thompson in Caroline in the City is shown)
"Caroline in the City is looking good right about now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the film was produced by Alan Landsburg Productions after the original producers of the first two films David Brown and Richard D. Zanuck quit the studio after they pitched Jaws 3 as a spoof named Jaws 3, People 0. And sitting in the director's chair was Joe Alves, the production designer for the first two Jaws movies. The film was a commercial success but the critical reception was negative because of it's bad 3-D effects and promoting SeaWorld. Again, spoilers for this one, Mike pulls the pin off of the grenade in the mother shark's mouth and the shark blows up.
"Okay, now I'm sure that the shark won't come back for more, right? It has to stay dead. There is no way that a shark could come back from getting blown into bits and pieces for another movie." Sean said.
(The title screen for Jaws: The Revenge is shown as the main theme plays)
"SON OF A BITCH! This shark has more lives than Fritz the Cat!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) I can't believe that I'm gonna review this one. Jaws: The Revenge is the unnecessary sequel to the unnecessary sequel to the awesome sequel. Apparently, everyone loves it when I talk about total shit and raging about it, so here I am doing it. It is one of the worst movies ever made and if you're not familiar with it, then maybe you should check out Siskel & Ebert's review of it on YouTube, it's pretty hilarious. Also, I have a question regarding the title of the movie, why is it called "Jaws: The Revenge"? Revenge… revenge for what? Look, the whole concept of sharks taking things personally is stupid. Especially, when they don't even tell us why the shark wants revenge. What is it? Is the shark in the movie the son of the shark from the second Jaws movie and is avenging the death of his father, his uncle from the first film and his mother and his baby shark brother from the third movie? Or did these assholes neglect to mention the fact that the shark comes back to life at the end of each movie?! Can you please explain that to me, movie? Anyway, the film was released in theaters on July 17, 1987 and it was directed by Joseph Sargent, the director of the awesome 1974 thriller The Taking of Pelham One Two Three starring Walter Matthau and Quint himself Robert Shaw. The film was also written by Michael de Guzman, who is known for being a writer for TV movies. Yeah, they got somebody to write this shit. This movie is the final film in the Jaws franchise.
(Posters for Jaws in Japan . Psycho Shark and Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws are shown)
"Ah ah ah! Those do not count. So anyway, just when you thought it was safe to go back into the movie theater, this is Jaws: The Revenge and this time… it's ridiculous." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a point-of-view shot of the shark swimming underwater)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with the usual Jaws opening, seeing things through the shark's point-of-view. And my God, the shark moves incredibly slow. But aside from the shark moving slow as fuck, we do get an incredible rendition of the Jaws theme composed by Michael Small.
(The main theme composed by Michael Small plays while the opening credits play)
"I don't care what you say about this movie, but the soundtrack is worth it." Sean said. "You know, I honestly feel bad for composer Michael Small, he made an amazing soundtrack. The only problem is that they put that amazing soundtrack in a really, shitty flick."
Sean: (Narrating) So what does the whole build-up of the Jaws theme and the credits end on?
(The opening credits end as we cut to a shot of pan-fried fish)
"Pan-fried fish, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sean screamed out in horror.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we open with the Brody household as we see Martin Brody's wife Ellen Brody, played by Lorraine Gary. And this is the last movie she acted in before retiring. She's talking to her son Sean, played by Mitchell Anderson from Doogie Howser, M.D., until she receives a phone call from her eldest son Mike Brody.
Sean Brody (Played by Mitchell Anderson): Hey, ask the big doctor about his job. Tough life, you Bahamian beach bum. Playing in the water all day.
Mike Brody (Played by Lance Guest): (On the phone) I heard that.
Ellen Brody (Played by Lorraine Gary): He heard that.
Sean Brody: (Smiling) Good.
"Wait, so Mike is working as a marine biologist in the Bahamas. So, we're just gonna forget about the fact that Mike worked at SeaWorld?" Sean asked.
"Sean, they just want to forget about the events of the third film. This is one of those disregard sequels. Let's just say that Jaws 3-D never existed." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) Right, we see Ellen, Sean and his fiancee doing some Christmas shopping. Who cares about these people? I want to see Chief Brody. Where's Chief Brody in this movie?
(We cut to a photo of Martin Brody on a wall at the police station)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, Christ. You can't be serious, movie. Are you trying to tell me that he died in between films? I'm sorry, I find that weird when they kill off characters in between movies when we clearly know that the actor is still alive. This was like with Sean Connery's character in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
(A clip from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is shown)
Indiana Jones (Played by Harrison Ford): A brutal couple of years, huh, Charlie? First Dad, then Marcus.
"Oh, so you're trying to tell me that he died in between films? I thought that the Holy Grail was gonna give him everlasting life. You better return that to the Knight because that's false advertising. And as for Marcus, well his portrayer Denholm Elliot tragically died from AIDS-related tuberculosis in 1992, but still." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, we're five minutes in and we haven't seen anyone getting killed by a shark. Come on, movie! I want to see some blood being spilt in the water! So anyway, Sean, who's working as a police deputy, is dispatched to clear an old dock pile from a buoy and he has to do this on a boat.
"Right, so how long until he gets killed by the shark?" Sean asked while looking at his watch.
(While Sean is trying to move the dock pile, the shark rises from the water and attacks him. Sean falls to a corner of the stern, holding onto his shredded coat and sleeve, bleeding profusely)
"Looks like right about now. Thank you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) By the way, points off to having blood in the water before the shark attacks Sean. What was the dude bleeding before the shark attacked him?
(Sean groans in pain as he holds his bloody stump)
Sean Brody: (Groaning) Oh! Oh, God!
(We then cut to a choir singing "The First Noel" before cutting back to Sean)
Sean Brody: (Screaming) Oh, God! Help!
"Oh, yeah. Just a tad underplaying the whole having your whole arm bitten off." Sean said.
(We cut back to Sean, who's holding his bloody stump)
Sean Brody: Oh! Oh, God!
"Oh! Oh, God! My arm is gone! Help me! I'm acting! Oh!" Sean screams while imitating Sean Brody.
Sean: (Narrating) The shark pulls Sean into the water after he attacks him for the second time and then the shark finishes him off. Okay, I have to give this shark attack scene some credit here. I just love the camera work and shots of the shark's teeth and the gore effects were really well done. Well, except for the part where Sean is screaming on the boat, plus he acts like losing an arm is no big deal. The rest of the attack where the shark pulls him into the water and kills him is also well done and I just love the element of isolation. We see that he's afloat in the water and all you could hear is him screaming for help and we have a choir singing Christmas carols in the background.
"Okay, can we just say that this is the best death ever for this movie? But then again, the rest of the movie is complete shit. So let's move on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Ellen deals with the bad news that Sean is dead and her son Mike, this time played by Lance Guest, flies in from the Bahamas with his wife Carla, played by Karen Young, and their five-year-old daughter Thea played by Judith Barsi.
"Who you might recognize her as the voice of Ducky from Don Bluth's The Land Before Time and another Don Bluth movie that I reviewed for the show in which she voiced Anne-Marie in All Dogs Go to Heaven. And she was tragically murdered by her father back in 1988. Um… hey look, a puppy sleeping!" Sean said.
(Sean grabs his remote and presses a button, cutting to footage of a puppy sleeping while lullaby music plays in the background)
Mike Brody (Played by Lance Guest): Where's Mom?
Polly (Played by Edna Billotto): (Points out toward the beach) She's been out there for hours.
Mike Brody: How's she doin'?
(Polly gives Mike a look, as if to say, not very well)
"Oh, she's full of sunshine and lollipops and getting a good laugh while binging on episodes of American Housewife before the fifth season starts… how the fuck do you think she's doing?! Her son is dead!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Got to give this movie some credit, they did bring in the actress who played Alex Kitner's mother from the original movie to appear in this movie. (A picture of actress Lee Fiero as Mrs. Kitner is shown) Make me wish that I should be watching the original movie instead of this movie. Mike goes to comfort his mother, but Ellen is convinced that there's something more to this shark attack.
Ellen Brody: (Hugs Mike outside) It came for him.
Mike Brody: What?
Ellen Brody: It waited all this time, and it came for him.
"Waited all this time? What? The shark waited all this time to kill Sean. What was it doing all these years, chomping down on Saturday Night Live cast members for practice?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And then Ellen starts to lose her marbles.
Ellen Brody: (Shuddering) I want you to get out of the water.
Mike Brody: What?
Ellen Brody: I want you to give up that terrible job!
Mike Brody: Come on, Mom, you can't be serious.
Ellen Brody: (Her voice rising) Damn right, I'm serious.
Mike Brody: I'm just getting started. We just got our first grant.
Ellen Brody: I don't want you anywhere near the water.
Mike Brody: Mom, you're upset.
"Yeah, Mom. I know you're upset but just relax. Try and watch The Golden Girls to calm you down." Sean said.
Mike Brody: Hey, come on. You can't believe that voodoo. Sharks don't commit murder. They don't pick out a person.
Ellen Brody: It picked out Sean. It killed your father.
Mike Brody: Dad died from a heart attack.
Ellen Brody: He died from fear. The fear of it killed him.
"I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?" Sean asked.
Ellen Brody: He died from fear. The fear of it killed him.
"The FEAR of the shark killed Martin Brody. Could we play back the scenes from the first two movies back-to-back, please?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Jaws is shown)
Chief Martin Brody (Played by Roy Scheider): Smile you son of a BITCH!
(Brody shoots at the air tank that's in the shark's mouth, the shark explodes)
(A clip from Jaws 2 is shown)
(The shark approaches Martin)
Chief Martin Brody: All right, you big bastard! COME ON! I've got something for ya' now! That's it! Attaboy, come on! Right over here! Open wide, OPEN WIDE! SAY AAH!
(The shark bites the power cable, electrocuting it to death)
"Yeah, I call bullshit on that one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I'm sorry, but this is the same guy that took on a shark twice in two movies! This is pretty insulting to his character. This man had balls, I mean BIG balls than any of us to take on a shark and yet you say that the fear of the shark fucking killed him. What was he doing that the fear of the shark killed him?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who's playing as Martin Brody, sitting on the couch watching television and getting a good laugh)
Sean: (Laughing) I can't believe that she put a can of soup in the microwave. What a ditz.
(Sean yelps, clutching his heart and falls to the floor)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"The real reason why Roy Scheider didn't want to be in the movie is because he read how dumb the script was." Sean said.
"Pretty sure if the panic or fear is strong enough, it can give you heart attacks." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) This whole shark revenge story makes no sense at all. Are they saying that the shark is that capable of that level of thinking? Did the shark wedged the dock pile into the channel marker and waited until the Coast Guard is unavailable?
Polly: (To Sean) Coast Guard's busy and it has to be cleared before the fishermen come back.
Sean: (Narrating) So Sean has to be the one to move it?
"And if you're confused by all of this now, then grab yourself a bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey because it gets far worse later on." Sean said as he pulls out a bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey.
(We cut to Mike and his wife Carla walking on the beach)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, I swear that Lance Guest literally tries to escape the movie in this scene.
Mike Brody: (While talking about Sean) He was always taggin' after me when we were kids, you know? He always wanted to do what I was…
(Mike starts running as Carla watches him)
Carla Brody (Played by Karen Black): Hey, where are you going?
Mike Brody: Nowhere!
Sean: (V/O as Mike Brody) I'm getting the hell out of this movie! I was in better movies like Halloween II and The Last Starfighter. Hell, I was in two Disney Channel original movies!
(The next scene cuts to Sean's funeral)
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Sean's funeral and in this bizarre moment Ellen starts laughing. I guess it's because she's thinking about the good times that her husband and Sean had. And everybody looks at her like she's nuts.
Preacher: (While Ellen laughs to herself) A time to mourn and a time to dance.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I just watched Impractical Jokers for the first time." Sean said as he imitates Ellen Brody and laughs then pauses with a smile on his face. "Oh, scoopski potatoes."
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Mike offers his mother to come down to the Bahamas with his family to cheer her up and to relax a little. Yeah, no place better to forget about a shark by going from an island to an island. Real smart.
(Ellen walks off laughing a bit, but then starts to cry)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, come on, lady! You're supposed to cry at a funeral, not crying while you're with your granddaughter. Why are you getting your emotions backwards?!
"Haven't they teach you that in Acting 101?" Sean asked.
(While the ferry moves away, the camera pans down to the old dock pile that Sean tried to dislodge, has washed up on the beach. We see that it's in several pieces and bears the distinct outline of the great white shark's jaws)
"Holy shit, this all makes sense. A piece of wood killed Sean." Sean said and gasps as suspenseful music plays. "Nah, I'm just kidding. It's a shark."
Sean: (Narrating) So they have a plane ride over to the Bahamas, we're introduced to another character in the movie named Hoagie, played by, uh, Michael Caine?
"What?" Sean asked.
Thea Brody (Played by Judith Barsi): Where's the lady who brings the soda?
(Hoagie laughs)
Thea Brody: They had them on the big plane.
Hoagie (Played by Michael Caine): There's some coffee in the thermos.
"Uh, what the hell are you doing in this abomination? Shouldn't you be at the Academy Awards accepting your award for Best Supporting Actor for Hannah and Her Sisters?" Sean asked.
"Sweetie, Michael Caine couldn't accept his Academy Award for Hannah and Her Sisters because he was busy filming this movie." Taylor said.
"WHAT?! You stupid bastard! You bailed on your award to be in this shitty film?" Sean asked.
(A clip from the 1971 movie Get Carter is shown)
Jack Carter (Played by Michael Caine): I made a mistake.
Cliff Brumby (Played by Bryan Mosely): What?
Jack Carter: I made a mistake.
"Judging by the looks of you being in this movie, you're damn right you made a mistake. I would rather watch you in The Dark Knight trilogy than seeing you in this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, you're probably wondering why Ellen Brody is the main character in this movie instead of Martin Brody rather than her being a supportive character. Well, maybe this little photo will answer your question.
(A picture of Lorraine Gary and her husband Sidney Sheinberg, who was the president of MCA Inc. and Universal Studios)
"Yeah, she was married to Sidney Sheinberg. Her husband was the president of Universal. He was responsible for releasing this explosive diarrhea of a film. I would call to ask him why did he produce the movie, but sadly he died on March 7, 2019 from Parkinson's Disease. Um… hey look, kittens sleeping!" Sean said.
(Sean picks up the remote and presses a button, it cuts to kittens sleeping while lullaby music starts playing in the background. The alarm blares as we see the words "CUTENESS OVERLOAD" flashing on the screen)
Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at Mike's house, then Ellen's grandma senses start kicking in when she sees Thea playing near the water.
Ellen Brody: Thea! Get down from there!
Thea Brody: Grandma, watch me!
Ellen Brody: Get down from there!
Thea Brody: Mommy lets me.
Ellen Brody: No, it's too dangerous! Don't do that!
"Oh, shit! Mom is losing her marbles about going near the water. Why did I bring the old bag along?" Sean asked, imitating Mike.
(We cut to Ellen swimming in the ocean)
Sean: (Narrating) So, she's terrified about a shark chasing her family, and the first thing she does is go for a swim? Whatever happened to not going anywhere near the water, you dumb bitch?!
(As Ellen tries to swim back to shore as fast as she can until she is attacked violently by the shark. She struggles as the water begins to fill with blood, her blood. Ellen wakes up gasping and panting, it turned out to be a dream)
"Ugh! I hate it when they do that shit. A dream sequence! Come on! I just wanted to punch a hole in the television screen. I can't stand the dream sequences. Why do they do that in a movie? If there's anything that annoys the audience, it's the dream sequence. I hate that stunt. It's old and it's cheap and it's a lousy gimmick and I wish that they stop doing that." Sean said.
"Oh, Sean! Could you come upstairs? I have a surprise for you." Taylor said.
"Excuse me." Sean said.
Sean immediately gets up from off of the couch and heads upstairs to his bedroom.
"I'm wearing my naughty schoolgirl outfit that wore for Halloween last year. I figure I might put it to good use." Taylor said.
"Oh, hell yeah. Here I come, Tay." Sean said.
Sean enters the bedroom, only to see that Taylor is not there.
"Taylor? Tay, sweetie, are you in here?" Sean asked.
(The song True Love Ways by Buddy Holly starts playing on Taylor's phone)
"What the? That is some unusual taste in music, babe. Why…" Sean asked, then realizes why the song sounds familiar. "Wait a minute, I know that song."
The scene gets into a dutch angle shot as the panda from the Panda Cheese commercial pops out of the closet. Sean turns around, his eyes widen in horror as he sees the panda armed with an axe.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sean screams.
The panda charges at Sean while he continues to scream before he kills him with the axe. Immediately, Sean gasps after he wakes up from the dream.
"You see what I mean?! The dream sequence is stupid and it needs to stop." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, we see Mike doing something exciting at his job… putting tracker tags on sea snails.
"Sounds exciting." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to Mike's colleague and buddy Jake, played by Mario Van Peebles, who would go on to direct and star in New Jack City, another movie that I should be watching right now. Jake gets annoyed by Mike and his work.
Jake (Played by Mario Van Peebles): You go away, you leave me high and dry, doing the work by myself. You come back acting like a zombie. It's Christmas Eve. We're working overtime 'cause of you!
Mike Brody: Hey!
Jake: I'm sorry about your brother, man.
Sean: (Narrating) What the hell is up with the emotional transitions in this movie. He went from being pissed off at him for leaving him to do the work all by himself and then he goes to being all sympathetic and caring. Oh, well. At least everybody will have a merry Christmas. What do you know? It's a Christmas movie. Anyway, we see that the Brody's are celebrating Christmas with Jake and his wife Louisa, played by Lynn Whitfield.
(Mike examines his present, which is a Hawaiian shirt)
Mike Brody: Sharp shirt, Jake.
Jake: Hey, may your sex life be as busy as your shirt.
Carla Brody: Why, thank you. (Laughs)
"Dude, seriously? There is a five-year-old present in the room with you. Now, she's going to be asking her parents what is sex. Boy, this is going to be an awkward conversation." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see the shark and man, doesn't he look horrible and also we see Ellen and Thea are busy making a sand castle on the beach, until Ellen's shark senses begin to tingle. Are you serious? Are you trying to tell me that she has a psychic link to the shark?
"Yeah, I'm gonna need to pour me a glass of Jameson to get through this review." Sean said while he fills his shot glass with Jameson Irish whiskey.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Hoagie shows up and him and Ellen start to hit it off and it's okay, I guess. It's just filler for the movie…
"I'm sorry, but how can an elderly woman have a psychic link to a shark?! It just doesn't make any sense." Sean said.
Ellen Brody: I know it's coming. I know it's coming. What's it cost to take a ride on that plane?
Hoagie: Depends on where you want to go.
"Please tell me she's talking about a ride on his plane and not a ride on his di…" Sean said before he gets interrupted.
(A clip from Batman: The Animated Series plays)
Mr. Freeze (Voiced by Michael Ansara): I SAID SILENCE!
"Oh! Sorry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we get a nice little whimsical scene between Ellen and Hoagie flying in a plane.
Hoagie: One time, I was flying supplies up the Amazon when I came down in the jungle.
"Did that story involve the Joker?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Dark Knight is shown)
Alfred Pennyworth (Played by Michael Caine): Some men just want to watch the world burn.
Sean: (Narrating) While Ellen is out having a good time with Hoagie, her psychic powers start to kick in just as the shark burst from the ocean and attacks Mike's boat. Wait, what?!
"What the fuck?! Can we go back a few scenes to what Mike said to his mother?" Sean asked.
Mike Brody: There's never been a great white where we live, ever. It's warm water. They don't like it.
"You can't be serious, movie. How would the shark know where they were going?! How is it possible for it to follow the family from the United States to the Bahamas? What is he some kind of supershark?" Sean asked.
Jake: Don't say anything to anyone, man. Fisherman find out, they're gonna try to get it first thing you know, huh. Michael, we got us a great white. Now we gonna do some real research, boy.
Mike Brody: Do me a favor, will you? Don't say anything about this to my mom.
"If she finds out, she's gonna take away my PS5." Sean said, imitating Mike.
(The next scene cuts to a New Year's Eve party at a casino)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, I guess we're on New Year's Eve now. We see that Mike and his wife, Ellen and Hoagie and Jake and Louisa are celebrating Louisa's birthday and to ring in the new year. Guess we're forgetting about the whole shark revenge plot. BOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRINGGGGGG!
Jake: You know, you oughta watch out how you talk to Michael and I. We're about to be famous. Hey, tell them about our discovery…
Mike Brody: Jake!
"Are you trying to get me in trouble? Shut up." Sean said, imitating Mike once more.
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from Jake almost blabbing about discovering the shark, Hoagie and Ellen sharing a dance with each other and Mike trying to cockblock Hoagie.
Ellen Brody: (While dancing with Mike) Michael, stop pouting. You look like you did when you were six and didn't get something you wanted. I like him. I enjoy his company.
Mike Brody: Yeah. I don't like him chasing around after you. I don't trust him.
Ellen Brody: He's not chasing. I'm not running. You're being ridiculous.
"Yeah, Mike. Relax. Let your mother have some fun with Michael Caine. Stop being a baby." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) God, I'm getting bored out of my mind with this movie, can we get back to the shark? Anyway, Jake is eager to do some research on the shark because great whites have never been seen in the Bahamas. Well, mostly because sharks hate warm water, you dickhole! And Mike has no objection to studying the shark. Okay, he has 1 objection: he wants to study the snails because they're writing a paper on it and they haven't got enough information on it completed.
"Dude, the actual argument that you should be using is that these things have tried to kill you three times already!" Sean exclaimed.
(A clip from That 70s Show is shown)
Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): Dumbass!
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we cut to Mike and Carla having an argument about something. What the hell are they arguing about anyway? And Mike says this completely bizarre line.
(Carla has the welding torch pointed at Mike)
Mike Brody: I've always wanted to make love to an angry welder. I've dreamed of nothing else since I was a small boy.
"He dreams of making love to an angry welder ever since he was a small boy. Hey, to each his own. I have dreams of having a threesome with Taylor and her friend Stacey and the dream involves Stacey as the cute babysitter and Taylor and I as the couple. That was a hot dream. But his dream is weird." Sean said.
"Stacey, blonde, New Yorker, diabetic?" Brian asked.
"Yep, that's the same Stacey." Sean said.
"Cool. I'd go for her friend. Redhead, jock type." Brian said.
"Kristy?" Sean asked.
"That's the one." Brian replied.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Michael and Jake put their plan into action by baiting the shark back out with some chum in order to place a tracking device on it.
(POV shot of the shark going up to the water's surface where there is blood coming from the bait and jumps out to grab hold of it with it's teeth)
Sean: (V/O as shark) Yeah! Surprise, motherfu… (Jake stabs the device's tracking pole into the shark's side) OW! You son of a bitch! I can't believe that you did that! You're a dead man, Sonny Spoon! Trust me, you're dead!
Sean: (Narrating) So, they put the tracker on the shark to track it and then we cut back to Ellen and Hoagie as we see them getting a drink together and Ellen is growing fond of Hoagie as they spend more time together. To be honest, their relationship is more fun to watch than watching any shark-related escapades that Michael and Jake get up to. Well, mostly because Michael Caine is more fun to watch. Later that night…
(The shark jumps out of the water, rolling to one side as it comes for the kill. Michael wakes up with a fearful start, his eyes open wide)
Carla Brody: Michael?
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, Christ! Another dream sequence?!
"I swear, I'm about this close to snapping the disc in half if I see another dream sequence." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And here we have a re-creation of the scene in Jaws. You know, the scene where Sean imitates his father. In this one, you have Thea imitating her father. Great job, movie. You're reminding me of a good movie to watch! So anyway the next day, Mike goes into the water to do some research. And of course, the shark attacks him. And how the hell did it manage to get the tracking device off of him? I'm not sure.
(Mike swims away as the shark chases after him)
Sean: (Narrating) Jesus Christ, this shark looks so horrible.
"I'm sorry, but this is the worst looking shark that I have ever seen. I mean, look at it. The animatronics look so bad that it can't close it's mouth." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mike heads into a sunken ship with the shark right behind him and I can't take the shark seriously. That thing is just wiggling into tiny holes. It's not that scary! It's just silly! Hell, if you want scary, then play Call of Duty: Ghosts and when you get to the sunken ship sequence with the sharks swimming around and you have to swim past them without getting your ass chomped up by them. How's that for a scary as hell sequence? I almost pissed my pants while playing that game.
(Mike stops to fix his oxygen tank when the shark breaks through the wall)
Sean: (V/O as shark) Yeah! Your ass is mine, bitch!
(Mike escapes in the nick of time by pulling the regulator, blows the air from the tank and rides upward on the force of the air coming from the air tank while the James Bond theme plays)
"Yeah, I call bullshit on that one. Those air tanks are made specifically for you to breathe, not cause you to shoot straight up to the surface of the ocean. Plus, the speed and distance he just moved, his brain would be jelly at that point. I think he would have that in common with the movie's screenwriter!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, so Mike got a kiss from the Angel of Death. He just gave you a kiss just to let you know never do that shit ever again. Well, I hope he learned his lesson and not go back into the water after almost getting killed by a shark….
(The next day, we see Mike preparing to go into the water again)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, you giant load of donkey splooge! You're going back in there again? Are you that suicidal?!
Jake: Michael, I can't just let you go back down.
Mike Brody: I'm scared shitless. What the hell am I supposed to do if I can't go back in that water?
"Oh, I don't know. How about STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE WATER, YOU SHIT-ASS!" Sean yelled out in rage.
Sean: (Narrating) God, this movie is pissing me off. While Mike is busy looking for the shark but there seems to be no sign of it. We cut to the beach where we see Carla debuting her art work and hey look, there's Mario Van Peebles' father Melvin Van Peebles playing the Mayor. Anyway, Thea goes on the banana boat with her friend Margaret and her mother until the shark shows up.
Ellen Brody: (Sees the shark) Thea!
"Holy shit! This just got real. The shark is about to kill the little girl. This better be a good death in the shark's revenge plan. Alright, movie. Don't disappoint me now." Sean said, smiling.
(The shark goes for Thea, but attacks and kills Margaret's mother instead)
Carla Brody: (Screams) Stop! Thea! Thea!
Ellen Brody: Thea!
Louisa (Played by Lynn Whitfield): Somebody do something!
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, blow me, movie! You had one job. You had ONE job! You ignored the granddaughter and went for some random bitch on a banana boat. What did she have to do with your little revenge plan? I'm sorry, but your revenge plan sucks!
(A clip from Avengers: Infinity War is shown)
Star-Lord (Played by Chris Pratt): Let's talk about this plan of yours. I think it's good, except it sucks.
Sean: (Narrating) Ellen puts on her best "It's On!" face as she steals Neptune's Folly and goes after the shark to kill it. It killed her son, it tried to go after her granddaughter. This time… IT'S REALLY, REALLY PERSONAL! So anyway, Michael returns home and he finds out that the shark attacked Thea. And then he makes the really, stupid mistake of letting the truth slip about the shark.
Carla Brody: She could've been killed. You knew? And you didn't tell us? You let your mother think all this…
Mike Brody: Where is she?
Carla Brody: How could you do that?
Mike Brody: Where's my mother?
Carla Brody: You own daughter!
Mike Brody: Where is my mother?
Carla Brody: Why didn't you tell us?
Louisa: Where's Jake?
Carla Brody: (Screaming) Why didn't you tell us?
(Mike walks to the door and looks out the window, only to see that the boat is gone)
Carla Brody: Michael!
"Holy shit! I should've known that my own mother would be busy playing Grand Theft Auto V in her spare time and look at what she did. She stole my boat." Sean said, imitating Mike.
Sean: (Narrating) Mike and Jake go after Ellen and they bring Hoagie along with them and they get him to fly them out to where she's at.
Jake: She'll be fine, partner. She'll never find that bloody shark, man. We couldn't.
Mike Brody: It'll find her.
Jake: What do you mean, "it will find her"?
Hoagie: She said it was coming.
Jake: What do you mean, she said "it" was coming?
Mike Brody: What do you know about it?
Hoagie: Well, she got the idea that the shark that killed Martin and Sean is following the family.
Jake: Hey, he's not talkin' 'bout our shark, eh?
Mike Brody: What do you do when you're not flying people?
Hoagie: I deliver laundry. (Smiles)
"Okay, that is a weird line. It's just like asking me, "Hey Sean, what do you do when you're not reviewing movies?", and I'll say, "I work as a male exotic dancer and I go by my performer name Sexual Chocolate.". What? The ladies love me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While they're flying to Ellen's location, Ellen is out on the boat and she comes face to face with the shark, in an epic showdown of biblical proportions.
Ellen Brody: (Sees the shark swimming to the boat) Come and get me, you son of a bitch.
Sean: (V/O as Ellen) I'm an aging old lady ready to become shark bait. Take me and leave my family alone.
Jake: (Points to the boat) There she is. That's her right there.
Hoagie: (Points to the shark) Is that what I think it is?
Mike Brody: Mom…
Hoagie: Hold on!
(Hoagie's plane flies in close to the boat as the shark jumps out of the water, ready to strike Ellen. Ellen ducks out of the way and the shark misses her as the plane flies away)
"Apparently, sharks are afraid of planes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Hoagie lands the plane in the water as Mike and Jake head to the boat to get Ellen and the shark gets a hankering for British people.
Hoagie: (Steps out of the plane) Damn passengers! You're all the same. Complain, complain…
(The shark approaches Hoagie)
Hoagie: Oh, shit!
"Okay, that was Michael Caine's reaction after finding out that he's in a bad Jaws sequel." Sean laughs.
(The shark attacks the plane, bringing it down to the surface)
Sean: (V/O as Hoagie) My only regret was Blame It on Rio!
Ellen Brody: Why-Why'd you come out here? (Angrily) Why'd you come out here? Why did you bring him?
Mike Brody: Mom, Mom! Why did you take the boat?
"To sing The Lonely Island's I'm on a Boat, what do you think?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But luckily, Hoagie is alive and... wait a minute. Pause right there.
(The footage pauses on Hoagie. We see that he comes out of the water completely dry)
Sean: (Narrating) Look at him! He's completely dry! What? Was he wearing one of those drying jackets from Back to the Future Part II?!
"Look, here's what happens when you come out of the water." Sean said as he grabs a glass of water and throws it on his face. "Water makes you wet. You don't come out dry, you cockgoblins! Oh, that's one fuck-up right there. As for the second, don't worry it's coming. It's coming."
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, Jake has an idea to destroy the shark. Which involves an electric transmitter that they'll feed to it and shock it from the inside. And when they try it, let's just say that Jake has made the fatal mistake of being the only black guy on a boat.
(Jake sticks the transmitter into the shark's mouth, but then ends up getting attacked by it and ends up getting pulled into the water)
Mike Brody: (Yells) JAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
(A clip from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is shown)
Darth Vader (Voiced by James Earl Jones): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings is shown)
Frodo Baggins (Played by Elijah Wood): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from the 1994 animated version of The Lion King is shown)
Young Simba (Voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas): NOOOOOOOOOOO!
(A clip from Aliens is shown)
Ripley (Played by Sigourney Weaver): No! NO!
Mike Brody: ...AAAAAAKE!
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's go time as Mike starts blasting the transmitter, to shock the shark. Which causes it to…
(Mike blasts the transmitter at the shark, shocking it and causes the shark to... roar for some odd reason)
"What the shit?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face. "Did that shark just roar?"
(The footage plays back again as Mike blasts the transmitter at the shark, we hear it roar)
"It-It-It roared. The shark roared. It roars. Of course it roars. IT FUCKING ROARS!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Sharks cannot roar! It is impossible for them to do that. They don't have vocal chords or lungs. This is the second of the fuck-ups and it is the most talked about in filmmaking history. And I think I know where that roar came from. It was from an episode of Batman: The Animated Series.
(A clip from the episode of Batman: The Animated Series, Mean Seasons, is shown as we see an animatronic T-Rex appearing to attack Batman and Batgirl. The clip is followed by the shark roaring)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, that's where they got that roaring sound effect from.
"I'm sure they got some cartoony sound effects that they could've used for the shark." Sean said.
(The shark's roar is replaced by the Goofy Holler)
Sean: (Narrating) Ellen sees the shark and drives the boat towards it. And it better be good, movie. Let's see what happens.
Martin Brody: (In a flashback clip from the first Jaws movie) Smile, you son of a bitch! (Fires at the shark)
(Ellen rams the broken bowsprit of the boat, into the shark, causing it to somehow explode spontaneously)
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Sean yelled out with a surprised look on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) The shark blew up... for some odd reason. How the hell does the shark getting impaled cause it to explode?! Was it from the transmitter that Jake fed to it?! Did it spontaneously combust? Alright, from what I've seen and heard from my sources, in the alternate ending that was shown on AMC, the shark bleeds out and dies after being impaled instead of it being impaled and exploding. God, my brain hurts. And get ready for the next surprise, Jake survives! Yeah, in the alternate ending, he dies. So in this one, he lives for some reason.
Mike Brody: What the hell are you doing alive, huh?
Jake: I told you Uncle Jake's equipment don't crap out, eh?
"Come again?" Sean asked.
Jake: I told you Uncle Jake's equipment don't crap out, eh?
"SPEAK FUCKIN' ENGLISH!" Sean yelled out with his voice being replaced with Mickey Milkovich's voice from Shameless.
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! The shark is dead and Jake is alive. All of our characters live and Ellen returns to her home in Amity Island.
"And that was Jaws: The Revenge and boy, this was the final nail in the coffin for this franchise!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from the movie are shown in a montage are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) I cannot fathom what was going on in the minds of the people who came up with this movie. Not only this movie is stupid, the writing is horrible and jammed with scientific impossibilities that I would call bullshit, the setup is beyond horrible, every character is stupid, the shark looks horrible and for a movie called "The Revenge" it's a pretty lame revenge! Look, when you're with your friend and watch this movie, you better get yourself some liquor and get shit-faced drunk. This movie is a joke and it should burn in Hell for eternity. Jaws: The Revenge gets 1 revenge-seeking shark out of 5.
"That's all the time we have for today, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- He died from fear. The fear of it killed him.
And that is all for the review of Jaws: The Revenge for The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed this hilarious review. What was your favorite part about this review and did you like Sean ranting about it? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a break from reviewing movies as he moves on to another Top 11 countdown. So, which Top 11 countdown should I do? Here are the choices:
The Top 11 Drug PSAs
The Top 11 TV Intros
The Top 11 Superman: The Animated Series Episodes
The Top 11 Nostalgic Themes
The Top 11 Kick-Ass Movie Themes
These are the choices, feel free to pick which one. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, I will get back to working on my other stories and working on some new ones as well. Here are some of the new one-shots I will be working on:
Seducing the Babysitter (Taylor Otto/Stacey McGill, American Housewife/The Babysitters Club (The 2020 Version))
Bonding Ottos (Taylor Otto/Oliver Otto/Anna-Kat Otto, American Housewife)
The Ex and His Sister (Erica Goldberg/Dana Caldwell, The Goldbergs)
Would You Wrather Crush on Your Bestie (Cameron "Cami" Wrather/Delaware, Coop and Cami Ask the World)
Crazy for Sam (Stacey McGill/Sam Thomas, The Babysitters Club (The 2020 Version))
Owing Taylor (Oliver Otto/Taylor Otto, American Housewife)
Which new story would you like to see me work on? Let me know in the comments. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.