The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Halloween Havoc III continues. Last time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviewed the final entry in the Psycho film series Psycho IV: The Beginning. Today, Sean takes a look at the cult horror comedy The Return of the Living Dead and he's not doing it alone. He's reviewing it with his good buddy Lucas a.k.a UltimateWarriorFan4Ever. So sit back, relax and grab yourself some brains and enjoy this hilarious review of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. The Return of the Living Dead is owned by Hemdale Film Corporation and Orion Pictures.
Halloween Havoc III Part III
The Return of the Living Dead
(The intro begins)
Sean: (V/O as Narrator) There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. I am controlling transmission. If I wish to make it louder, I will bring up the volume so you could hear real loud. If i wish to make it softer (Doesn't say anything). I will control the horizontal. I can control the vertical. I can control the aspect ratio of your movie. I can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity or I can change the color or make the screen very bright just to blind you. And you're probably wondering why this intro is a parody of a show from the sixties that was rebooted in the nineties. For the next hour, sit quietly and I will control all that you see and hear. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and hilarity which reaches from the inner mind to…
THE
MAYHEM
LIMITS
Sean: (V/O) The Mayhem Limits. Please stand by.
We open with everyone's favorite pissed off critic, Sean J. Archer a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, who's appears on the couch dressed like a punk rocker with his green mohawk, a Black Flag tanktop covered with a denim vest, black jeans with holes ripped from the kneecaps and black boots. However, he's not alone though as he is sitting across the couch next to Lucas aka UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, who is wearing the same attire Sean is, except he's wearing a Misfits tanktop with a leather vest and denim jeans.
"What's going on, everyone? I'm Sean The Mayhem Critic, the critic and punk rocker that rips movies a new one!" Sean exclaimed to the camera.
"And I'm his good friend and confidant, UltimateWarriorFan4Ever!" Lucas also said to the camera as well before replying, "I'm here because why the fuck not? It's Halloween Havoc here and I'm stoked as ever to review an awesome kickass movie fit for this spooky scary season."
"I'll rock to that, Lucas." Sean nodded back, "And as you see, everyone, I've pretty much covered every genre of movie known to man. Ones involving aliens, cyborgs, troublemaking kids, Christmas, video games, psychotic slashers, all kinds of stuff. However, there is one genre of movie I haven't covered yet, and I finally get to now."
(A poster of "Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas" is shown.)
"What did I fuckin' tell you, I'M NOT REVIEWING THAT SHIT! NEVER HAVE, NEVER WILL!" Sean growled angrily to the camera.
Lucas then replied with a smirk, "What Sean is actually talking about here is the zombie genre."
(Clips of "Night of the Living Dead", "Dawn of the Dead", "Zombi 2", "Day of the Dead", "Return of the Living Dead Part II", "Resident Evil", "28 Days Later" and the 2004 remake of "Dawn of the Dead" begin to play out in a montage set to the tune of the Mr. X theme from Resident Evil 2.)
Sean: (Narrating) What else could I say about this genre of movie? The zombie genre has been around thanks to the father of zombie movies himself, George A. Romero, who terrified audiences everywhere with the release of the zombie movie that started it all, Night of the Living Dead. It was unlike any movie we've ever saw, and watching it right now thanks to its grisly effects mixed with such a creepy black-and-white background, it's held up pretty damn good today.
Lucas: (Narrating) And every movie that followed after Night of the Living Dead would borrow a lot of the elements that the original 1968 film had and everything else. And that of course resulted in more gruesome and gory zombie flicks that is still beloved by everyone who are big fans of the genre to this very day.
"As much fun as it is to review all those awesome zombie flicks, I've decided to only focus on one of them today." Sean replied yet again, "And it's a damn good one to boot."
"So, what's the awesome zombie flick that Sean is going to review? The Return of the Living Dead." Lucas said.
(A sound clip from "Night of the Living Dead" plays in the background)
Johnny: They're coming to get you, Barbara!
"Wrong movie." Lucas said.
(The title screen for the movie is shown followed by clips from the movie while the Trioxin theme plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yeah! If you haven't heard of "The Return of the Living Dead", then you should get your head sawed off. It's the movie that established that zombies ate brains. Ask anyone what zombies ate now, and they'll answer "brains". The movie was released in theaters on August 16, 1985. "The Return of the Living Dead" was a wild and entertaining movie that mixes comedy and horror.
(TV static transitions to: Up All Knight with Chad Knight)
"A little history on "The Return of the Living Dead", the movie was written by John Russo, who was the co-writer of "Night of the Living Dead". The film series came about as a dispute between Russo and George A. Romero over how to handle the sequels when they split and since Romero didn't have the right to use the phrase "Living Dead" but Russo did. That's why this series is called "The Living Dead", but all the George A. Romero flicks from the eighties on out were titled either "Dawn of the Dead" or "Day of the Dead". Chad said.
"Goddamn it! Chad, what are you doing hijacking this review?" Sean asked.
"Oh, hey Sean. I see that you got Lucas with you and I see that you're reviewing "The Return of the Living Dead"." Chad said.
"How the hell did you know that I was reviewing it?" Sean asked.
"Sean, Taylor's friends with Hannah. She tells her everything and she tells me everything. She told me while I was busy working on my "Shining" review for King-O-Ween. So, I'd figure that I help out with a little history on the movie." Chad said.
"Damn that Taylor." Sean said.
"Seriously, Knight. Nobody invited you for this review. So, why don't you do me and Sean a favor and just get the fuck outta here." Lucas said.
"Oh, come on! You need me for this review. I'm the guy that reviews cult movies on my show." Chad said.
Sean sighed in frustration as he picks up his remote and presses the mute button so he won't hear Chad talking.
"There. Much better. Now, let's move on." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Aside from the film being written by John Russo, Dan O'Bannon was one of the screenwriters and he was the director of this movie. For those of you who don't know who Dan O'Bannon is, he was one of the writers of the movie "Alien", he was also the screenwriter for films like Blue Thunder, Lifeforce and the movie Invaders from Mars that Sean reviewed. And he also wrote the screenplay for "Total Recall".
"And remember the movie "Heavy Metal"? Well, he wrote the segment "Soft Landing". He brought us that." Lucas said.
"Alright, so get your mohawks up and let's chomp on some brains. Let's take a look at "The Return of the Living Dead"." Sean said.
(The movie begins)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie lets us know that the events in this movie are all true. Which means that within this world, "Night of the Living Dead" is based on a true story.
Lucas (Narrating) After that little disclaimer, we see that it's July 3rd and we open up on Uneeda Medical Supply, where we see the owner Burt, played by Clu Gulager, about to take off for the weekend and he leaves his trusted manager Frank, played by James Karen, to train the new guy Freddy, played by Thom Matthews.
"For those of you horror fans who don't know who Thom Matthews is, he played Tommy Jarvis in the best Friday the 13th movie ever." Sean said as a poster for "Friday the 13th: A New Beginning" pops up. "No, not that shitty ass sequel! The one after that with Alice Cooper's song.
(We cut to a poster of Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives while the song "He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask)" performed by Alice Cooper plays in the background)
Burt (Played by Clu Gulager): Kid, I wanna tell you something, and I mean this sincerely. No matter what happens, don't name it after me. (Laughs) Take it easy, Frank.
Frank (Played by James Karen): That Burt's a joker. Ok, Freddy, follow me and learn something.
Freddy (Played by Thom Matthews): Okay.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Frank shows Freddy around the warehouse where it has everything like skeletons, cadavers for surgical practice, prosthetic devices, wheelchairs and even split dogs that hospitals and medical schools buy.
Freddy: H-how many bodies are in here usually?
Frank: Well, you know, you don't want to be overstocked. Kind of like the restaurant business, you don't want your inventory to lose its freshness. (Nudges Freddy with his elbow and laughs)
"Because if your inventory loses it's freshness, then expect this guy to yell at you." Lucas said as a photo of Jon Taffer from Bar Rescue is shown.
Lucas: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we're then introduced by this group of fine outstanding young citizens of the movie. Here we have Freddy's girlfriend Tina played by Beverly Randolph, and joining Tina are Freddy's friends are Spider played by Miguel Nunez, Chuck played by John Philbin, Casey played by Jewel Shepard, Scuz played by Brian Peck and Trash played by legendary scream queen Linnea Quigley.
"And Trash is the best character of this movie. And you'll see why. Trust us." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Trash (Played by Linnea Quigley): I like death.
"Well, there's a woman who has my heart." Lucas smirked.
Chuck (Played by John Philbin): I like death with sex.
"Shut up, you preppy little fuck! Don't ruin this for me!" Lucas exclaimed.
Spider (Played by Miguel Nunez): So, when we gonna party tonight, Tina?
Tina (Played by Beverly Randolph): Oh you guys, that'd be really rad, but I'm supposed to meet Freddy when he gets off work.
Casey (Played by Jewel Shepard): Yeah, where you supposed to meet him?
(A clip from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Freddy Kruger) In your dreams, bitch. Or in the hot tub. (Laughs)
(A poster of the movie Hollywood Hot Tubs 2: Educating Crystal, featuring Casey's portrayer Jewel Shepard is shown)
Tina: At this medical supply warehouse where he's working.
Scuz (Played by Brian Peck): Oh, no, he got a job? What a dick.
"Hey, I take offense at that, buddy. There's nothing wrong with having a job. I work at Kroger and bag groceries. Customers say that I'm one of the kindest workers ever. That's what I do aside from reviewing movies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Uneeda Medical Supply, Freddy asks Frank an important question.
Freddy: Frank?
Frank: Yeah, kid?
Freddy: What's the weirdest thing you ever saw in here?
Frank: Oh, kid, I have seen weird things come, and I have seen weird things go. But the weirdest thing I ever saw just had to cap it all.
Freddy: Oh, yeah? What's that?
Frank: Let me ask you a question, kid. Did you see that movie, Night of the Living Dead?
"Yeah. We've all seen that movie, right Sean?" Lucas asked.
"Yeah, I saw that movie and the 1990 remake." Sean said.
Freddy: Yeah, yeah, that's the one where the corpses start eating the people, right? Sure. Wh-what about it?
Frank: Did you know that movie was based on a true case?
Freddy: Come on, you're shitting me, right?
Frank: (Raises his hand) I've never been more serious in my life. (Puts his hand on his chest)
Freddy: That's not possible. I mean, they showed zombies taking over the world.
"That was Dawn of the Dead. Night of the Living Dead was the one where cops shot the black guy at the end of the movie after they mistake him for a zombie." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Frank then explains to Freddy that back in 1969, there was a chemical spill in Pittsburgh and that chemical leaked down into the morgue, which made all the dead bodies come to life. What is that chemical called? The chemical is called 2-4-5 Trioxin. And this chemical company was trying to develop it for the Army.
Freddy: So what really happened?
Frank: Well, they closed it all down, see, and the Army shipped all that contaminated dirt and all those dead bodies out. And they kept it a secret. Shh.
Freddy: So how come you know all about it?
Frank: A typical Army fuck up. The Transportation Department got the orders crossed, and they shipped those bodies here.
(The phone rings, which startles Freddy as Frank answers it)
Frank: Hello?
Sean: (on the phone as George A. Romero) Hi, this is George A. Romero, the director of Night of the Living Dead. I just called to say "fuck you, Russo"!
Sean: (Narrating) Wanting to impress Freddy, Frank takes him down to the basement where the bodies are being kept in containers.
Freddy: (Sees the body in the container) Oh, shit. Look at that. You say that thing was alive?
Frank: So they say.
Freddy: Oh, God. Hey, these things don't leak, do they?
Frank: Leak? Hell, no. These things were made by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.
(Frank hits the metal canister, which causes the toxic gas to leak out)
"Oh my god, you fuckin' dipshit." Lucas said with his head lowering down in frustration, "You just had to go and do that, did ya? Way to start the zombie apocalypse, dumbass."
"Hey, this guy is no stranger to biggest fuck ups. Take a look at the last fuck up that he made." Sean said.
(A clip from the 1982 movie Poltergeist is shown)
(Steve, played by Craig T. Nelson, grabs Mr. Teague, played by James Karen)
Steve Freeling (Played by Craig T. Nelson): You son of a bitch, you moved the cemetery but you left the bodies, didn't you? You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones! You only moved the headstones! WHY?! WHY?!
"I'll tell ya, no one threats better than Coach Hayden Fox himself." Lucas smirked, referring to the character Craig T. Nelson played on Coach.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, back to the film. While the Trioxin knocks out Freddy and Frank, we get the opening credits to the movie, which features the best theme to a zombie movie ever. And goddamn, what a way to start a zombie movie. And I just love this theme music, I could listen to this theme on a loop.
(The opening credits play while the Trioxin theme plays throughout)
"Man, The Walking Dead wish that they had a theme that sounded this awesome." Sean said.
"Heck, this sounds like something I'd hear on an episode of Stranger Things," Lucas nodded out, "It just has that perfect blend of 80's synth and sci-fi with that zombified twist."
Lucas: (Narrating) So after the credits are over and done with, we open up on some military guy's house. Turns out it happens to be the home of Colonel Glover, played by Jonathan Terry. He returns home after a long-ass day at work and his wife, played by Cathleen Cordell, has prepared quite the lovely meal for him.
Colonel Glover (Played by Jonathan Terry): What's for dinner?
Colonel's Wife (Played by Cathleen Cordell): Your favorite, lamb chops.
Colonel Glover: I had them for lunch.
"I'm guessing he ate the sheep, I presume." Lucas chuckled a bit, referring to the puppet Lamb Chop.
Colonel's Wife: It's nerve-racking to live around that equipment all the time.
Colonel Glover: They have to be able to reach me 24 hours a day, wherever I am. You know that.
Colonel's Wife: All that microwave stuff affects my oven.
Colonel Glover: When we find them, you can have the equipment taken out.
Colonel's Wife: But when will you find them?
Colonel Glover: Christ, Ethel, I don't know!
"Will you stop bugging me about it, woman?! Christ, no wonder your nagging is causing me to drink. And have an affair with some hot chick because I can't stand your ass." Sean said, imitating Colonel Glover.
Sean: (Narrating) Back to our other characters, we see that Suicide, played by the late Mark Venturini, is driving his friends to Freddy's place of business so they can pick him up and have a little party.
Suicide (Played by Mark Venturini): Oh, yeah, what the fuck is Freddy up to these days, anyway?
Tina: He got himself a job.
Suicide: Oh, no shit? What job?
Tina: He's a stockroom clerk.
Suicide: Yeah? That sounds like a shitty job.
Tina: Well, it isn't the President of the United States, but at least he makes money to buy stuff.
"Well, at least he's not an idiot, unlike a certain Orange president." Lucas said, referring to Donald Trump.
Donald Trump: Don't let it dominate you. Don't be afraid of it.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.
Suicide: How come you guys only come 'round when you need a ride someplace?
Spider: 'Cause you one spooky motherfucker, Suicide.
Suicide: Oh, you think I'm spooky, huh? What the fuck!
(Suicide attacks Spider. Tina screams as she grabs ahold of the wheel)
"Yeah, never mess with the guy who killed Joey with an axe." Sean said, referring to Mark Venturini's character from Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. "All because of a friggin' chocolate bar."
Lucas's stomach then started to growl as he said, "Speaking of which, I'm a bit hungry for chocolate."
Lucas: (Narrating) So, they arrive at Freddy's job, but Freddy gets off at 10:00, so in the meantime, they decide to hang out at the cemetery while they wait for him. Speaking of Freddy, we see him and Frank waking up from their little catnap, coughing like they somehow got the coronavirus. Thank goodness for that Lysol. Anyway, they somehow wake up to the sound of a dog barking in the distance.
Freddy: What was that?
Frank: Sounds like a dog.
Freddy: Dog?
(The two men hear the dog barking again.)
Freddy: Wait a second, listen! You hear that?
Frank: What the hell's going on here?
(Frank coughs on his hand.)
"Hey, you gonna put some hand sanitizer on that?" Sean said to the camera.
(Freddy and Frank walk over to the half dog, which is cut in half and moving alive, which frightens them enough for them to scream in horror.)
Freddy: What are we gonna do?!
Frank: We're gonna kill it!
(Frank grabs a crutch and starts beating the half-dog with it. The half-dog yelps while being beaten)
Freddy: What are you doing? Stop!
(Freddy and Frank hear the sound of someone screaming and pounding on the door. Frank screams in horror)
Frank: Oh, Jesus! Jesus!
(They run over to the door, where the cadaver is at)
(A clip of the show Perfect Strangers plays showing Larry Appleton.)
Larry Appleton (played by Mark Linn-Baker): Oh my lord!
"Yeah, everything is coming to life. All because of Frank's stupid ass. Boy, if Red Forman was there with you, he would call you a "dumbass". I know I would too." Sean said.
"I may have a feeling this kind of stupidity isn't gonna end in this film, huh?" Lucas said as he shook his head in regret.
Sean: (Narrating) Freddy and Frank freak out about what's going on and with the chemicals getting on them and everything. They don't call the cops or the Army. Instead, they decide to call up Burt. Meanwhile, back at the cemetery, Trash asks a very important question.
Trash: Do you ever fantasize about being killed?
"Never in my lifetime. But I'm sure that we're about to get the best goddamn scene of the movie." Sean said.
Trash: Do you ever wonder about all the different ways of dying, you know, violently and wonder, like, what would be the most horrible way to die?
"Again, never. But my fantasies involve me having a threesome with Taylor and Abella Danger. Or just watching Taylor lezzing it out with either Abella Danger, Molly Stewart or Lacy Lennon. Or having Taylor watch me banging Lacy Lennon." Sean said.
"Or better yet, me having a threesome with Julie Cash and Ava Addams." Lucas nodded out.
Trash: Mmm. Well, for me, the worst way would be for a bunch of old men to get around me and start biting and eating me alive.
Spider: I see.
Trash: First, they would tear off my clothes…
(Trash starts tearing off her shirt. Her breasts are covered by the censor bar that reads "Too Hot for YouTube)
Chuck: Let's get some light over here. Trash is taking off her clothes again.
"Damn!" Sean smirked. "Told ya this is the best part of the movie."
"No kidding," Lucas smirked as well before he started to look down with a blush in his cheeks, "Even Big Luke's feeling excited as we speak."
Sean looked at him and chuckled, "Please tell me you did not name your johnson."
Lucas traded a smirk back to him and said, "Oh, you know I did!"
Sean: (Narrating) And Trash starts doing her grave stone dance, in which she's completely naked even though this is completely censored by YouTube standards. Fun fact about this scene: while shooting the scene, producer Graham Henderson visited the shoot and he freaked out when he saw that because Linnea Quigley was completely naked and showed some hair down there. So, he yelled at Dan O'Bannon by saying, "You can't show pubic hair on television". So, O'Bannon had Quigley sent away and had her completely shaved. And when they did another shoot, Henderson said that it's even worse because you could see everything. So, they had to make a crotch piece, which resembles a g-string and glued it onto Linnea, making her look like a Barbie doll.
"Man, can you imagine a Brazzers video doing something like this?" Sean asked.
"I would," Lucas nodded before saying, "You hire Anna Bell Peaks as Trash and she'd totally nail that part."
Lucas: (Narrating) Back at the warehouse, Burt arrives as Frank tells him about what happened. His response…
Burt: You did what? You opened it? You stupid moron. You idiot. What's the matter with you, Frank? Haven't I always told you never to even go near those goddamn tanks?!
"Not my fault they were stupid." Sean shrugged to himself.
Frank: What are we gonna do, Burt?
Burt: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna be sued by the Darrow Chemical Company, I'm gonna be investigated by the government. I might become famous, Frank, I might even lose my business. I might even go to jail, goddamn it. That's what I'm gonna do.
"And you know what happens to people like me when they go to jail, Frank. Do you want that to happen to me?" Lucas asked, imitating Burt.
Sean: (Narrating) The problem that they have aside from Frank's stupidity is that dead cadaver that's alive. So now they have to kill it by hitting it in the brain to damage it.
Burt: Now listen to me, both of you, very carefully. Freddy, you're gonna open that door. (Brings Frank over to the door) Come here, you stand right over here. Frank, right here. When it comes out, you brain it with that axe.
Frank: Oh, Jesus!
Burt: Well, how am I gonna stop it from moaning? What's the matter with you, Frank? Fred, come here. Get down there. Please, stand by the door. It's gonna be all right, son.
Frank: I don't think I can do this, Burt.
Burt: Well, you damn well better. You got us into this.
Frank: Oh, Jesus!
"Yeah, it's your mess. Now, you clean it up. Stop crying like a little bitch and man up." Sean said.
Burt: All right, Freddy. 22, right.
(Freddy uses the code to unlock the door)
Frank: Oh!
Burt: Be brave, Frank, goddamn it! 4, left. 10, right.
(Freddy unlocks the door as the Yellow Cadaver busts out, screaming, while running towards Burt, knocking him down and attacking him)
"Oh, shit. It's the return of Yellow Bastard from Sin City!" Sean exclaimed.
"Can somebody put some clothes on him, please? I can see his yellow Johnson." Lucas said, covering his eyes.
Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, they pin Yellow Bastard down to the ground and they come to the very logical solution of trying to destroy the brain, but that doesn't work. They try sawing it's head off, that doesn't work either.
Frank: Christ, it ain't dying.
Burt: I thought you said if we destroyed the brain, it'd die!
Frank: It worked in the movie!
Burt: Well, it ain't working now, Frank.
Freddy: You mean the movie lied?
"I just love that the rules of your average zombie movie don't apply here. In this movie, headshots don't work, which means they're screwed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So nailing it's head to the floor and dismemberment doesn't even work on a re-animated corpse, so they figured maybe burning it in the crematorium across the street would work. Back at the cemetery…
(Trash is standing by the grave statue completely naked)
Tina: Why don't you put your clothes on? The show's over.
Trash: What's the matter? Does it make you nervous?
"No, but you're giving me ideas to write a Trash/Tina lesbian fanfic. Trashy Love, a Trash/Tina erotic one-shot." Sean said.
"I would pay good money to read that." Lucas smirked.
Lucas: (Narrating) Trash tries to seduce Suicide so she can get the Vitamin D from him while Suicide makes a declaration that all 80s punks can identify with.
Suicide: Nobody understands me, you know that? I fuckin' bust my ass for you guys, and what do I get? "You're spooky." Fuck you, man. Fuck you all.
Trash: I like it spooky.
Suicide: I mean, I got somethin' to say, you know? What do you think this is all about? You think this is a fuckin' costume? This is a way of life!
"Fuck, yeah! Punk rock for life!" Sean exclaimed.
Trash: Oh, yes.
Suicide: Hey, what's wrong with you, man? Show some fucking respect for the dead, will ya? (Pushes Trash off of him)
"Oh, come on! There's a naked woman just messing around with your junk and she want the D, and all you do is push her away from you? You're an asshole! I would give Trash the Vitamin D in a heartbeat. I would bang her on top of the grave, I don't care. She's smokin' hot!" Lucas exclaimed, with a naughty smirk on his face.
Casey: (Sees Freddy) Hey, is that Freddy?
Chuck: Where?
Casey: Over there, going in that building.
Chuck: Nope. That is not Freddy.
Casey: How would you know?
Chuck: Because. Why would Freddy be going into a mortuary?
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you're within walking distance of the fucking medical supply that he works at. Can we send this stupid preppy fuck into the cornfield?" Sean asked as a picture of John Philbin as Amos from the movie Children of the Corn is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the mortuary, where we see Ernie Kaltenbrunner, played by Don Calfa, is busy listening to the German Afrika Corps march on his Walkman while he's busy embalming a body. Oh, yeah. And he also carries around a German Walther P38 pistol. Anyway, Burt and Ernie have been friends for 25 years….
"Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a minute. There are two characters in this movie named Burt and Ernie. Yeah, Dan O'Bannon didn't know that he was using the names of the two beloved character puppets from Sesame Street. Yeah, I don't think that was a coincidence that their names are Burt and Ernie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Burt tries to get Ernie to let….
"I'm sorry, I couldn't get over the fact that there are two characters named Burt and Ernie. Now when I'm watching this movie, all I'm gonna think about are these two." Sean laughs as a photo of Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, so where was I? Right. Burt tries to get Ernie to let them use the crematorium by telling him that they've got a bunch of…
Burt: Rabid weasels.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner (Played by Don Calfa): What? What the hell are you doing with a bunch of rabid weasels?
Burt: I was trying to explain to you, Ernie. They came in as part of a shipment. Of course, they weren't supposed to be rabid. You know, but you know how these things happen.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: No, I don't. How do they happen?
"I just love that in this movie that people aren't complete idiots unless that character is supposed to be a complete idiot. And I simply love Ernie's response, it's completely reasonable." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Burt shows Ernie the dismembered corpse and he freaks out for a bit after it grabs him and he agrees to burn it in the incinerator. Back with the punks, Chuck tries to hit it off with Casey.
Chuck: Hey, if you wanna split, we could both go somewhere.
Casey: You'd really like to do it with me, wouldn't you?
Chuck: (Smiles) Hey, I mean, a girl like you and a guy like me
Casey: Go choke a chicken.
Chuck: Oh, come on, Casey. I was only kidding.
"Oh really? You was only kidding. Oh, bullshit! You're just dying to pound her like she's Naomi Swann." Sean said.
(Suicide arrives)
Casey: Oh, great, here's your friend and mine.
Suicide: Hey, fuck you, ball buster!
"Okay, that should've been the line that the husband should've said to his wife on the Ball Buster commercial." Sean chuckled.
(A clip from the Ball Buster commercial is shown)
Husband: (His lines replaced by Suicide's) Hey, fuck you, ball buster!
Sean: (Narrating) Tina sees that it's 10:00 and she goes over to the Uneeda Medical Supply to meet up with Freddy, but there's no answer at the door. Well, mostly because Freddy is at the crematorium with Burt and Frank as they get ready to burn up the dismembered corpse. They burn up the corpse, but unfortunately, this just spreads the chemical into the air, which then comes down as rain, re-animating the entire graveyard, which is where the teens are partying. And as you see Linnea Quigley running around without any clothes on, you're probably wondering, "Is she going to be completely naked throughout the whole movie?
"The whole thing!" Sean exclaimed.
"Man, I'm loving this review so much more." Lucas smirked. "At least we can see Linnea's sweet, jiggly ass."
Lucas: (Narrating) We then cut back to Frank and Freddy as we see that they're not doing so hot. Well, it's mostly because of the chemical that was sprayed all over them.
Freddy: Frank, I don't know about you, but I'm really sick.
Burt: Why? What's wrong, Fred?
Freddy: I feel like hell is what's wrong. I'm really sick.
Frank: I'm sick, too, Burt.
Burt: Sick, like how?
Freddy: I feel like my head's going to bust wide open. And I want to puke. And I'm weak too.
Frank: Me too. I got the chills.
"Okay, I think that Burt should stay as far away from these two because that chemical probably gave them COVID-19. They have the symptoms." Sean said.
"Oh yeah, that reminds me." Lucas said as he pulled out his AC/DC face mask. "Better mask up."
"Right." Sean said as he pulled out his Animaniacs face mask. "Wear a mask, ladies and gentlemen. It will save your life."
"Damn, right." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Much to his credit, Burt isn't being an asshole by telling them to just walk it off and just drink some orange juice. He's going, "Oh, shit! You're sick? We've gotta get you to a doctor.", and you know what, they call the paramedics to check on them to see what's going on with them. Meanwhile, Tina, who's separated from the group, heads inside the warehouse to look for Freddy, until she comes across…
Tina: Who's there?
(A horrified look appears on Tina's face as the zombie known as the "Tar Man" pops up from out of the shadows)
Tar Man: Brains!
"Okay, that's the most awesome looking zombie that I have ever seen in my life. And yes, this is the first time this line is uttered by a zombie." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Gotta give them some credit, these are some of the most awesome-looking special effects ever. No CGI here, these are practical effects at it's finest. Just look at Tar Man, the way he moves around like a zombie, that is some freaky shit. So anyway, Tina hides in the closet from the Tar Man and gets cornered by him just as the punks come in to look for her.
Trash: God, my skin's really burning.
"Oh, come on. She's got some clothes on. No, you keep those clothes off so we can see you naked." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) They hear Tina's screams and they run to the basement just in time to witness the Tar Man trying to unlock a door. And here, we see that the zombies aren't just mindless corpses, they're actually intelligent!
(Suicide pulls the curtain open, revealing the Tar Man)
Tar Man: Brains!
(Tar Man grabs Suicide by his head and bites him on the head, killing him)
"Well, I guess you could say that this guy certainly has no brains." Sean said as a comedic drum riff plays in the background.
(Spider throws a paint can at Tar Man, who stops eating Suicide's brains and turns his attention to the punks)
Tar Man: More brains.
(They make a run for it and leave the basement as Spider closes the door behind him while keeping the Tar Man locked in the basement)
Spider: Where the fuck you going?! Help me bar the door! Stupid fuckers!
"You think I'm gonna be the only black guy about to get killed by a zombie in this movie? Then forget it!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Spider.
"Wait, didn't he get killed in Friday the 13th: A New Beginning?" Lucas asked.
"Oh, shit. You're right. He did get killed by Jason while he was in the porta-potty." Sean said.
"What a shitty way to go." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Meanwhile, the paramedics arrive to check on Frank and Freddy to see what's wrong with them, only to make a shocking discovery.
Paramedic #2 (Played by James Dalesandro): Can I borrow your stethoscope?
Paramedic #1 (Played by Drew Deighan): What's the matter?
Paramedic #2: I can't hear anything through mine.
Paramedic #1: Well, are you sure it's the equipment?
Paramedic #2: What do you mean?
Paramedic #1: Well, I'm not getting anything on this, either.
Freddy: What do you mean? What's wrong? What's wrong?
"Turns out that the medical tests imply that they're dead. Either that or they have very shitty equipment." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Back with the punks and Tina, they lock the Tar Man in the basement and they realize that it was Freddy going into the mortuary, and they run over there. And it's a good thing too because we get to see more of Linnea Quigley's jiggly ass. But an important safety tip: zombies are attracted to dat ass!
(A strange moaning noise is heard)
Spider: What the fuck was that?
Tina: (Points) Look! There!
(They see a skeleton pop up from out of the ground. It's eyes open and so does it's mouth while the song "Partytime" by 45 Grave plays as everybody start running for their lives, leaving Trash behind)
"Oh, come on. That skeleton just wants to party with you. Wait a minute." Sean said.
Both him and Lucas turn their attention to the closet door as it opens up, revealing a skeleton who's armed with an MP5 submachine gun. It's mouth opens while the song "Partytime" starts playing while it starts shooting at Sean and Lucas.
"Shit!" Sean yelled out as he ducks down for cover.
"Holy fuck!" Lucas yelled out as he jumped behind the couch while the skeleton started shooting at them.
Lucas: (Narrating) The dead come alive and chaos ensues while Tina and her friends try to get out of there. As for Trash….
(Trash gets surrounded by zombies and screams as she gets eaten by them)
"She gets her ass eaten by zombies." Lucas said.
"What?! NOOOOOOOOO! NOT THAT SWEET ASS! The zombies killed her! You bastards!" Sean screamed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Damn, what a way to go. I feel bad for Trash on this scene. Out of all the deaths in this movie, this one is the cruelest. She admitted earlier that this was her worst fear, when it was just a fantasy that turned her on a lot. But that arousal was coming from a place of terror and when it's real, it's not sexy.
"Just let me grab my Count Chocula cereal. One for me." Sean said as he pours some Count Chocula cereal in his mouth. "And one for Trash."
Taylor enters the living room as she sees Sean pouring some cereal onto the floor.
"SEAN! Are you serious? I'm not cleaning that up. You're cleaning that up after the review is over." Taylor said, crossing her arms at Sean.
"Show some respect for Trash, blondie! She got eaten by zombies!" Sean said as he starts crying. "I'll miss seeing that jiggly ass of hers. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO?!"
Lucas: (Narrating) While Sean tries to compose himself after that scene, we check back in with Freddy and Frank as the paramedics give them their diagnosis.
Paramedic #2: You have no pulse, your blood pressure's zero over zero, you have no pupillary response, no reflexes, your temperature is 70 degrees.
Freddy: W-what does that mean?
Paramedic #2: Well, it's a puzzle. Because technically, you're not alive.
"WHAT HE'S SAYING IS THAT YOU'RE DEAD JUST LIKE TRASH! OH, GOD!" Sean continues to cry.
Freddy: Are you saying we're dead?
Paramedic #1: Let's not jump to conclusions.
Freddy: Are you saying we're dead?!
"No, they're saying that you're Johnny Sins. What the fuck do you think?!" Lucas yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) They hear a loud banging on the front door as Ernie goes to check it out. Well, it's time to pull out the gun.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: (Opens the door and points his gun at them) Freeze, or you're dead!
(Tina screams)
Spider: Don't shoot, man!
Ernie Kaletnbrunner: Are you crazy? Are you on PCP?
"Uh, why PCP specifically?" Sean asked.
Spider: Man, look. You gotta lock all your doors and your windows and call the cops! They're out there!
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: What? Who's out there?
Tina: Don't you hear that?
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: What?!
Scuz: Shut up and listen, man!
(They begin to hear the distant screaming and moaning)
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: What is it?
"That's the sound of Kendra Lust getting pounded by Xander Corvus. What do you think, you idiot?!" Lucas exclaimed.
Lucas: (Narrating) Meanwhile, we see Casey and Chuck heading towards Uneeda Medical Supply while being chased by the walking dead who just want to feast on their brains while the paramedics leave, not knowing the danger that lies ahead for them.
(One of the paramedics turn on the headlights, revealing a horde of zombies while "Thriller" by Michael Jackson plays in the background while the paramedics get killed by the zombies)
"Sorry, I always wanted to do that and I felt that it was the right time to do so." Sean smirked.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Spider tells Burt and Ernie that there are people coming out of the ground outside. They take them to see Freddy while Ernie heads outside to find the paramedics.
(Ernie sees a zombie dwarf eating one of the paramedic's brains. The zombie dwarf growls at him. Ernie screams and starts shooting at it. The zombie gets up and starts going after Ernie)
"Oh, balls. A zombified version of Wee Man from Jackass is after him. Way to exploit the handicapped, movie." Lucas said.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: We- I- Burt, we've gotta-we've gotta call the police.
Burt: Set him down. Set him down.
(Ernie tries to call the police. The phone is not working)
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: It's not-not-not it's not working.
"Well, maybe the phone lines are dead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So they try to call the police but the lines are dead, then all of the zombies try to make their way into the mortuary, so our cast of characters try to board up the windows to keep them. And in case you forget how smart these zombies are, then get a load of this.
Dispatch: (On radio) Rescue 7, Rescue 7, come in. This is dispatch. Over. Rescue 7, come in. This is dispatch. Do you copy? Over.
Radio Corpse #1 (Played by John Durbin): Come in, dispatch. Send… more… paramedics.
"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked.
Radio Corpse #1: Send… more… paramedics.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean and Lucas playing radio operators)
Sean: Uh, I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that? Over.
Zombie: Send… more… paramedics.
Sean: Does that sound even legit to you?
Lucas: I think you better do what he says.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Lucas: (Narrating) So after they finish boarding up the mortuary, they begin to check on the others and they demand answers to know what's going on with Freddy and Frank.
Spider: You know, I think it's time you tell us what the fuck's going on.
Burt: I don't have to tell you anything, dick brain.
(Scuz pulls out his switchblade while Spider grabs Burt by his arm)
Scuz: We think you should.
Freddy: Tell them, goddamn it.
Spider: Tell us!
Burt: There was a chemical. It was some chemical that soaked into the soil of the graveyard and made the corpses come back to life.
Spider: Yeah? What fucking chemical?
Burt: I don't know what chemical, goddamn it!
"Okay, can somebody bring in Jack Bauer to interrogate this guy?" Sean asked.
"Or better yet, bring in Trevor Phillips. He can get an answer out of this guy." Lucas said.
Burt: It was ordered by the military, I think. I think it was.
Spider: Would you mind telling me how the fuck did it get all over the graveyard?
Burt: I don't know. I just…
"You don't know? How the fuck? You don't know?! Dude, we've clearly saw you burning up Yellow Bastards dismembered body in the crematorium, which caused the Trioxin to go up into the air, which creates acid rain, which made the dead come to life. My friend. Okay, you know what, I need Red Forman to do this for me. Red, take it over for me." Sean said.
(A clip from That 70s Show is shown)
Red Forman (Played by Kurtwood Smith): I will kick your ass so hard your nose will bleed!
Sean: (Narrating) Freddy tells Tina and his friends about what has happened to him and when he reveals that his muscles are stiffening up, Ernie begins to examine him and…
(Ernie moves Freddy and we hear the sound of his bones cracking)
Freddy: (Screams) Oh, God!
"Oh, sweet Jesus!" Sean exclaimed while he covers his ears.
"I think we found the newest Nestle Crunch meme right there." Lucas said.
(A clip from the Nestle Crunch commercial plays)
Kid: (Sings) That's why I love Nestle Crunch!
(The kid takes a bite out of his Nestle Crunch bar before we cut back to the movie, where we hear Freddy's bones cracking while Ernie moves him)
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: You know, it looks like rigor mortis is setting in.
Freddy: Rigor mortis? What do you mean, rigor mortis?
Scuz: Hey, God, you're dead. You're dead, and you're gonna turn into one of those things out there!
Freddy: (Screams) No! NO!
(A clip from The Empire Strikes Back is shown)
Luke Skywalker (Played by Mark Hamill): NOOOOOOOOOOO! NO!
Lucas: (Narrating) They hear the sound of an ambulance arriving and when two more paramedics step out like a bunch of complete idiots, the zombies ambush them. Damn, these zombies are intelligent enough to plan ambushes. Then, all hell breaks loose when the zombies try to break in. They run into the other room to reinforce the barricade until one of the zombies gets in and takes a bite out of Scuz, killing him.
"Well, at least the zombie didn't take a bite out of his awesome mohawk." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ernie captures the zombie that killed Scuz and straps it to a table so he can examine it. Also, I would like to point out zombie tits.
"Before Howard the Duck gave us duck tits a year later, this movie gave us zombie tits." Lucas said.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: You can hear me?
½ Woman Corpse (Played by Cherry Davis): Yes.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Why do you eat people?
½ Woman Corpse: Not people, brains.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Brains only?
½ Woman Corpse: Yes.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Why?
½ Woman Corpse: The pain.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: What about the pain?
½ Woman Corpse: The pain of being dead.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: It hurts to be dead.
"You heard it here, folks. The shocking truth about why zombies eat brains because of the pain of being dead. I can buy that because it's a bitch to be dead." Sean said.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Eating brains how does that make you feel?
½ Woman Corpse: It makes the pain go away.
Spider: Hey, look, man, fuck this.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, looks like Not Michael Jackson wants out of this Thriller. Anyway, so Spider, Burt and Ernie talk about how can they kill the zombies and Ernie points out that you can't kill them. So even if you try to chop them up into little pieces or just shoot at them, they'll still come after you. And all you can do is just burn 'em.
"Until Return of the Living Dead Part II where you can kill them with electricity. Right, I know I'm spoiling the movie. I just had to point that out. And when Halloween Havoc IV comes back next year, I'll definitely be reviewing that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of zombie tits, we see Trash coming back from the and she's still naked. Hell, even this homeless guy is surprised from seeing a naked Linnea Quigley walking towards him.
(A zombified Trash bites the homeless guy in the neck and kills him)
"AAAH! Fuck burgers! Well, could be worse. Could be Linnea Quigley now. Who am I kidding? I would totally do some hot Linnea Quigley action and I'm bringing Taylor along. And trust me, it will be some hot Mommy's Girl action between Taylor and Linnea Quigley." Sean said with a naughty smirk. "And yes, when I review Night of the Demons next year, I will definitely be talking about that lipstick scene. That's some freaky shit."
Lucas: (Narrating) Back with Chuck and Casey, they're still trapped in the warehouse and they have a little moment together when they think that this is the end for them.
Casey: Chuck? I never did like you. Oh, my God, hold me tight.
(Chuck holds Casey in his arms)
"Oh, come on now! You know, if this was a porn parody of this movie, we will get to see Riley Reid as Casey and Michael Vegas as Chuck and he will totally bang her." Lucas said.
"Okay, now I'll definitely pay good money to see that. To Wicked Pictures, do a porn parody of The Return of the Living Dead. Make it happen." Sean said while pointing to the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Burt tells Tina that they think it will be safe if they locked Frank and Freddy in the room just to be safe if they started acting funny.
Tina: You bastard! Why don't you lock yourselves up?
Burt: Look, lady, we're not proposing doing anything to them, for Christ's sake. We just want to lock them in another room so we can figure out how to get the hell out of here. Alright?
Spider: Tina, that really is a good idea.
Burt: Where can we put them, Ernie?
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: (Stammers) Uh, yeah, well, uh, the chapel.
Burt: All right, help me with Frank, please.
(Ernie helps Burt with Frank while Spider helps Tina with Freddy. They pick up Frank and Freddy as they both start screaming in agony)
"Who the hell is starting all that screaming?" Taylor asked as she covered her ears.
"It's just Frank and Freddy in the movie. Well, mostly Frank being one screaming like a little bitch." Sean said.
"Oh, kind of like you when you played The Evil Within?" Taylor asked.
"THAT'S NOT TRUE! Okay, mostly because of the Sadist chasing me with a friggin' chainsaw." Sean said.
"And what about the time when you played Resident Evil 2 when the Tyrant was chasing you?" Taylor asked.
"Why did you have to mention that?" Sean asked.
"Because hearing you scream like a little girl is hilarious." Taylor smirked.
Lucas chuckled out before saying to Sean, "It really is, it sounds like Prince mixed with a little bit of Pickleboy on the side."
Spider: Look, let's just leave them and get out.
Tina: I'm not leaving Freddy!
Burt: We got to lock the door, you know that?
Tina: I'm staying.
"What the what?! Are you crazy?! You're staying with them! Have you lost your mind, you dumb bitch! What if Freddy turns into a zombie and ends up eating your brains?" Sean asked.
"I swear, these characters are more stupid then the teenagers that are running from that chainsaw guy in that Geico commercial." Lucas said, shaking his head in regret, "Which by the way, it sounds like another commercial we should do for Commercials V."
"Oh, I am definitely looking forward to Commercials V." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Lucas: (Narrating) So they lock Tina in the chapel with Freddy and Frank and we cut to the police arriving at the cemetery, where they see the ambulance on the scene so they end up checking it out.
Cop #1: Hold it right there!
Cop #2: Freeze or I'll blow your fucking brains out!
(The cops start shooting at the zombies while they charge at them, killing them)
"Oh, man." Sean said while making a face palm. "Why is it that everybody in this movie is a complete idiot?"
Radio Corpse #2 (Played by David Bond): Send more cops.
Sean chuckles a bit from the line. "Ok, I definitely love that line."
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Burt, Ernie and Spider propose a plan on how to get out of this place or to fight them while back in the chapel, Frank and Freddy continue to turn into zombies and this happens.
Freddy: I can finally see… the one thing… the one thing that can relieve this horrible suffering.
"You fighting Jason Voorhees?" Sean asked.
Tina: What, Freddy? What?
Freddy: Live brains!
(Tina screams and makes a run for it while Freddy tries to eat her brains. We see that Freddy's foaming from the mouth)
"Yeah, dumbasses! Locking a pretty girl in the chapel with her zombified boyfriend who wants to eat her brains is a bad fucking idea! You know, my foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!" Lucas yelled out.
(Burt opens the door to the chapel and grabs Tina out of there. He then hits Freddy in the head with a metal pipe, then hits him again while Frank runs out of the chapel. Burt takes another swing, but misses as Freddy grabs him before cutting to a closeup of Freddy's mouth, in which foam is coming out. Spider then hits Freddy with a sledgehammer while the song "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel plays as Spider hits Freddy in the head with the sledgehammer, knocking him out)
Burt: Let's go.
(As they leave the chapel, Freddy grabs Spider by his foot and gets up as Ernie throws nitric acid in his face as Freddy screams)
"Yeah, like throwing nitric acid in his face would stop him." Sean said.
Spider: They got Freddy! It was horrible, ugly, man. His face was all fucked up. His face-
(Ernie slaps Spider in the face)
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: He's not Freddy.
"If he was, no doubt it'd look like Tom Green." Lucas nodded out, referring to the actor from Freddy Got Fingered.
Lucas: (Narrating) So things quickly go from bad to worse as Ernie breaks his foot while trying to lock Freddy in the chapel while Burt and Spider make a run for one of the cars.
Ernie Kaltenbrunner: Burt… that favor that you owe me. Watch your ass out there.
Sean: (V/O as Burt) Don't worry, Ernie. If we live through this, I'll get you a rubber ducky and you could sing the Rubber Ducky song while taking a bath.
Sean: (Narrating) So Burt and Spider fight their way through an army of zombies and take the police car, leaving Ernie and Tina behind with Freddy before they end up on the set of Thriller. They then crash into the medical supply warehouse and they reunite with Casey and Chuck.
Casey: Hey, hey! Where is everybody?
Spider: I don't know.
Chuck: Who's he?
Spider: He owns this place. That fucking car is totaled, man.
Burt: That's all right. My car is still out there. So is Frank's.
(The car explodes and a zombie starts screaming as they all look out the window)
Spider: Not anymore.
"So much for the car idea. Any other plans?" Sean asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) Back with Ernie and Tina, they hide out in the attic while Freddy goes after them and as for Frank, in an emotional scene, makes a noble sacrifice.
(Frank takes off his wedding ring and kisses it before kneeling on the floor)
Frank: Forgive me.
(Frank enters the crematorium and commits suicide by immolating himself. The door closes as we hear Frank's screams)
"Here's an interesting fun fact about this scene: James Karen came up with the idea for his character's death scene. Originally, Frank was to completely turn into a zombie and join the zombie mob but he did not wish to film the scenes in the freezing cold rain of Los Angeles. So instead, he suggested this to Dan O'Bannon that Frank incinerates himself before he could completely turn and O'Bannon agreed." Lucas said.
"Yeah, so everything with the self immolation to taking off the wedding ring was his idea." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, more cops arrive on the scene but they end up getting killed. Wanting to call for more help, Burt and the rest of the teens head down to the basement before taking out the Tarman. But when Burt calls the cops, they cops end up getting killed by the zombies. So, Burt does the only thing he can think to do and calls the number on the canister, hoping the army has a plan. And they do.
(The nuclear cannon fires on the town. A loud whistling noise is heard)
Burt: Hey, listen. You hear anything?
(Freddy breaks through the attic door to get Tina)
Freddy: Tina-a-a-a.
(We cut to the rest of the zombies and Trash looking up before cutting to the medical supply building)
(A clip from Tropic Thunder plays)
Cody (Played by Danny McBride): Big-ass titties! (Pushes the detonator)
(The town ends up getting destroyed by nuclear artillery)
Colonel Glover: Spectacular result, sir. Very close to optimal placement. Well. sir, only 20 square blocks destroyed. Less than 4,000 dead, General. I wouldn't worry about the fires, General. The rain is taking care of that right now.
Sean: (Narrating) And as the ashes of the town rise into the sky, the dead rise from their graves again. Literally, this is the same footage that they're playing back.
(The song "Partytime" plays again)
"And that was The Return of the Living Dead, and what does me and Lucas think of it?" Sean asked.
"THIS MOVIE KICKS ASS!" Lucas yelled out.
"FUCK YEAH!" Sean yelled out as well.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) The Return of the Living Dead is so much fun, it has a good sense of humor, some creepy moments and an excellent soundtrack. It looks like the cast was having so much fun acting in it. The tone is so goofy that you don't even know when you're gonna see something scary, funny or both. It's one of the films that are criminally underrated and it's one of the best movies from the 80s period. If you want something to watch for Halloween that will make you laugh and entertain you at the same time, The Return of the Living Dead is a good one to check out. The Return of the Living Dead comes in at 5 zombies eating brains out of 5.
"And that is all for this review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic." Sean said.
"And I'm his good friend Lucas." Lucas said.
"We'll see you guys next time when…." Sean said as his phone rings before he answers it. "Hello?"
"Hello, Sean. Care to watch another scary movie?" A mysterious voice asked.
Sean's eyes widened in fear as he recognized the sound of the voice.
"Oh, no. Not again." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Send more cops.
And that's all for the review of The Return of the Living Dead. Special thanks to UltimateWarriorFan4Ever for co-reviewing this movie with me and man, did we have a lot of fun reviewing this movie. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean takes a look at the 1997 sequel Scream 2 and sees if it's the best horror sequel ever. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Now, I wanted to end Halloween Havoc III with Bordello of Blood, but I'm thinking of ending Halloween Havoc with Scream 2 and let Bordello of Blood be its own little review. Should I still review Bordello of Blood for Halloween Havoc III or as it's own review since October is almost over? Let me know in the comments. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.