The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, it is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean took a look at the top 12 Christmas cartoons. Today, you're in for a real treat because Sean and Lucas will be taking a look at an episode of Married… With Children. A very special episode. One involving Santa Claus dropping dead after landing in the Bundy's backyard. Oh, yeah. It's a Christmas episode of Married… With Children. So sit back, relax and watch as Sean and Lucas review the special episode of Married… With Children. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Married… With Children is owned by Embassy Communications and Columbia Pictures Television.
Episode 109
Married… With Children: You Better Watch Out
We open with our favorite movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, who is still decked out in his Christmas attire, sitting on his couch and sipping some hot chocolate in his "Merry Sithmas" Christmas mug, while Taylor is busy wrapping some Christmas presents for her family.
"Ah, don't you just love this holiday season? This is what we needed after going through this crazy year. I'm just glad that this year will be coming to the end. Let's hope that 2021 is a better year." Sean said.
"Well, yeah. Because we'll have that idiotic orange menace out of the White House and Biden will be bringing hope to us all. Let's not forget about the COVID vaccines. I will be so glad to throw away these masks." Taylor said while she's wrapping up her mother's gift.
"Yeah. We've been doing great staying healthy and wearing our masks and stuff. I can't wait to get the vaccine. Oh, yeah and the stimulus checks coming." Sean said.
"And speaking of Christmas, did you get me something for Christmas?" Taylor asked.
"Uh, yeah. I'm not telling you, babe." Sean said. "Which reminds me, it's time for me to work on today's review. Gotta make a call."
Sean picks up his phone from off of the coffee table and dials the number.
"Hey, it's me. Are you up for a co-review? Yeah, it's a Christmas episode of Married… With Children from it's second season and I was wondering if…" Sean said until he hears the sound of the doorbell ringing.
"Wow, that was fast. I wonder who it could be." Taylor said.
Sean gets up from off of the couch and walks over to the door to unlock it and to see who it is.
To his surprise, the man who was standing in Sean's doorstep was Lucas, who was busy holding up a Christmas bag while wearing Santa pants, snow shoes, signature Santa Claus hat and a No Ma'am T-shirt to boot.
"What up, broski!" Lucas smirked while nodding, "Figured I'd come by anyway and give everyone gifts in this holiday season. Of course, you got an assload full of legalized pot inside this bag, so I at least spoiled the gift for you. Anyway, let's send this crap to the table and get this co-review started."
Using his best strength he knew how, Lucas put the entire Christmas bag on the coffee table, therefore breaking the entire table in pieces. This scene ended up pissing Taylor off, truth be told.
"What the fuck? That's the coffee table I bought for Sean!" Taylor whined.
"Relax, babe. I could always get a new one!" Sean said to Taylor, "No need to bitch about it."
Lucas immediately smirked as he sat on the couch alongside Sean, all before pulling out two bottles of alcoholic apple cider from the bag to give to Sean.
"Well, now that we got that out of the way, Sean, what are we co-reviewing this time?" Lucas said to Sean before sipping on his already opened apple cider.
Sean smirked before saying, "Quite possibly the best damn sitcom ever! Roll it!"
(Clips of the show Married… With Children play out in a montage while the theme song plays.)
Sean: (Narrating) What else can we possibly say about this show that hasn't already been said? Married… With Children was the middle finger to family-oriented sitcoms and for a good 33 years now, it's been FOX's entire cornerstone since The Simpsons. The sitcom premiered on April 5, 1987 and lasted for a good 11 seasons with 259 episodes under this belt. That's almost longer than Cheers and The Big Bang Theory combined.
Lucas: (Narrating) For those who are not familiar with the show itself, here's a quick little rundown about the show itself. The show centers around a dysfunctional family in downtown Chicago called The Bundys, which is lead by the shoe-selling family man himself, Al Bundy, played by Ed O'Neill. Then you have his lazy, annoying but hot red-headed bonbon-eating housewife, Peggy Bundy, played by pre-Futurama Katey Sagal. And we can't forget about their demon spawn known as their children, hot ditzy blonde bombshell Kelly Bundy and her skirt-chasing pervert of a brother Bud Bundy, played by both Christina Applegate and David Faustino respectively. My favorite of course is Bud Bundy, because he practically just hits on anything with a pulse.
"For example, I've created an entire list of everyone Bud Bundy has literally hit on throughout the entire series.' Lucas said as he pulled out a clipboard for him to read on, "We have a mannequin, his neighbor's niece Amber, his own teacher, that one girl's mom that was flirting with Bud as part of the Virgin hotline, a busty beergirl from Oktoberfest, Al's boss Gary, the list goes on and on from here, ladies and gentleman."
"You see, this guy right here is a walking Married… With Children encyclopedia." Sean said to the camera, gesturing over to Lucas.
Sean: (Narrating) As fun as it is to go through all of the episodes, we decided to focus on one of them from Season 2. A Christmas special entitled, "You Better Watch Out". Yep, this show had a lot of Christmas specials to boot, folks. The episode premiered December 20, 1987, and the episode involves well… yeah, you're probably gonna want to sit down for this little review to see how it all ends out.
"Because unlike every Christmas special we've seen in every show possible, this one takes a little bit of a darker twist," Lucas replied, "So, if you're in the mood for some dark comedy that can make Aletta Ocean shake a candy cane-shaped stick at, kick back in your sofa and chow down on some good goddamn Christmas cookies as we take a good look at Married… With Children's first-ever Christmas special, "You Better Watch Out"."
"I'll drink to that, dude." Sean nodded to his friend, toasting his drink to him.
Taylor then butted in as she shouted to Sean, "What about your damn coffee table, Sean?"
"IN A MINUTE!" Sean screamed angrily before the review finally started.
(We see a warning on-screen that reads, "The following depicts a Bundy Christmas. It could be upsetting to small children and others. Parental guidance is suggested.")
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the episode opens with a warning to the viewers, letting them know that this episode depicts a Bundy Christmas and that it could upset little children. Oh, I'm sure it'll be alright. There's nothing in that episode that's gonna scar the little children for life.
Lucas: (Narrating) After the warning, we see Bud and Kelly sitting on the couch watching television, where they're talking about the new Lakeside Mall.
TV Announcer: We've got six Santas. No waiting. And for you bigger kids, come to the Red Nose Bar and meet Santa's very special reindeer, Donna.
(A big smile appears on Bud's face as Kelly gives him a look)
TV Announcer: So come on down. We're open till midnight. Singers?
Singers: Santa Claus is coming to the Lakeside Mall.
"Okay, can we take time to appreciate the catchy as hell jingle. And for the fact that they have the Red Nose Bar. I would love to go down there to meet Santa's very special reindeer Donna." Sean said with a smirk on his face.
"Excuse me?" Taylor asked, crossing her arms while raising an eyebrow at Sean.
"But I have a girlfriend and I want her to be my very special reindeer. So, I guess that's a "no" for bringing Donna home and having a threesome with you and her?" Sean asked.
"Forget it, buster." Taylor said as she continues to wrap the presents.
"Damn." Sean said, pouting a bit. "Oh, well. Since I can't have a threesome with Taylor and Donna, I guess I'll just have a drink instead."
"Your loss, dude." Lucas smirked out on Sean's behalf, "Me and Brian are thinking about going there ourself."
Sean: (Narrating) We see Al coming up from the basement while lugging around a box of Christmas stuff and Bud asks him if he and Kelly could go to Lakeside Mall and check it out.
Bud Bundy (Played by David Faustino): Dad, can we go to that new Lakeside Mall? Kelly can shop, you can get bombed, and I can ride Santa's very special reindeer.
Kelly Bundy (Played by Christina Applegate): Dad, why don't we get Bud one of those scratching posts to rub against? You know, it'll save the furniture.
Bud Bundy: You really want to save the furniture, Kel? Why don't you stop putting notches on your bedposts?
Al Bundy (Played by Ed O'Neill): Now, Bud, apologize to your sister.
Bud Bundy: No.
Al Bundy: Okay.
"Well, damn. Come on, now. Show some love for Kelly. She's not Meg from Family Guy." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Al tells Bud and Kelly that they can't go to the Lakeside Mall because it is killing him and it's taking the all of the business from his mall. And if this continues, they'll be broke and living in cardboard boxes. But not Bud and Kelly, they'll be living in warm foster homes.
Al Bundy: Just a bunch of stores filled with cheap, gaudy merchandise that only appeals to the tasteless, low-class shopper.
(Peggy enters the house, carrying two bags from the Lakeside Mall)
Peggy Bundy (Played by Katey Sagal): (Sings) Santa Claus is coming to the Lakeside Mall! (Laughs) Oh, God, I love that Lakeside Mall. Al, give me some money. I'm going back. Anyone want to come with me?
"Me!" Lucas said as he raised his hand.
"Uh, she meant going to the mall with her. Not sexually." Taylor said.
"Don't ruin this moment for me, blondie." Lucas said.
Al Bundy: Peggy, I'm ashamed of you.
Peggy Bundy: I know, Al.
Al Bundy: Don't you understand? If people keep shopping there, we'll be broke and living under the El.
Peggy Bundy: Oh, not me. I can always remarry.
"And by that, it means dumping your broke-ass and marrying the creator of Sons of Anarchy." Sean said as a photo of Katey Sagal and her husband Kurt Sutter is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Peggy is ecstatic about going to the Lakeside Mall and she wants to take the kids there too because Santa is going to be parachuting down to the mall. But Al tells them that Christmas is about family and giving and all that good stuff. Before giving away the stuff that Al's family gave to them and giving it to Peggy's family.
(A clip from the Seinfeld season six episode The Label Maker is shown)
Elaine Benes (Played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus): He's a re-gifter!
Al Bundy: Now, has anyone picked out a tree yet?
Peggy Bundy: Oh, you know, the tree in the Ginty house sure is pretty this year. It's got lots of tinsel on it.
Al Bundy: (Laughs) That'll be our tree. Now, kids, that's your job. He throws it out the day after Christmas, so bring it home.
Bud Bundy: Right, Dad.
"And don't forget to get that Playboy calendar that daddy always wanted to get himself, but couldn't." Lucas said, imitating Al.
Al Bundy: Well, that about does it for Christmas this year.
(Al sits on the couch.)
Al Bundy: Oh, I'm tired.
(Kelly and Bud sit on the couch near him with Kelly sitting on Al's lap and hugging him.)
Kelly Bundy: Aren't you forgetting something, greatest daddy in the world?
Bud Bundy: Coolest dad in the universe.
Peggy Bundy: You, who makes my life worth living.
"Oh, you know that's total BS." Lucas said, rolling his eyes to the camera, "Peg, the only way you live that way is because you always leech money off of him. Why do you think he comes home looking all sad and defeated all the time?"
"I feel that way when it comes to Taylor." Sean nodded.
"I HEARD THAT!" Taylor shouted off-screen, still wrapping presents as usual.
Lucas: (Narrating) Of course, Al doesn't forget their presents though as he decides to head out to get his Christmas bonus from the mall. But of course, Bud realizes this head-on.
Bud Bundy: *to Al* Dad, you didn't get our presents yet? It's Christmas Eve, the stores are gonna be packed.
Al Bundy: Not in my mall, son.
"Well, he should be lucky we're in a pandemic and all since malls won't be so packed anyway," Sean nodded away, "Makes it less likely for him to catch COVID. But then again, this was 1987, so Al should probably be lucky either way."
Sean: (Narrating) As Al leaves for the mall, to pick up his Christmas bonus from the mall, Peggy, Kelly and Bud get Al his present.
Peggy Bundy: OK, he's gone! Now for Daddy's present. Bud, run upstairs and get a tie out of Daddy's closet.
Kelly Bundy: I'll get a box.
Peggy Bundy: Oh, no, no, no, wait! It's Christmas, we should make it special for him- Bud, get one of his shirts too. (Excitedly) Oh gosh, I just love Christmas.
"Wait a minute. That's a sucky gift to give to your husband. Hell, it's a shirt that he owns. Hell, who am I kidding? That's Christmas at the Bundy household." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) So after they wrap up Al's gift and taking a gift that was supposed to belong to Steve and Marcy, Al comes home looking miserable than ever because he has some bad news regarding his Christmas bonus.
Al Bundy: Well, you know how, even when we didn't have too much, we could always look at the poor people who were less fortunate than us and feel better. Well, let's find a mirror. Business was so bad, I didn't get a Christmas bonus this year.
Peggy Bundy: Oh, Al. No. You mean we told you we loved you for nothing?
Kelly Bundy: So you're telling us there's no reason to live?
Al Bundy: Yes, I am.
(Kelly goes over to Peggy and hugs her)
Bud Bundy: Dad, I'm not like the others. I don't care if you have no money. You're still my father and I love you.
Al Bundy: Thanks, son.
Bud Bundy: You're really getting me a present, right, Dad? You're just cutting out the women. Good, because you should hear how they talk about you.
Al Bundy: Nobody gets a present, son.
Bud Bundy: Pretty low, Dad.
"Ouch, even his son got the rub too." Lucas groaned, "I bet Al's saving the last of his Christmas money at the nudie bar. Where the girls take off their tops, and makes our pants pop. The nudie bar. Where drinks are free, and all the big 'uns we can see. The nudie bar. Where they all look like Nicolette Shea, but man it's worth it to pay. The nudie bar."
And then all of a sudden, Lucas let's his tongue out ala Al Bundy before sticking his own hand down his pants.
Lucas: (Narrating) Before they could even think about going down to the Lakeside Mall to get themselves free gift certificates from Santa himself…
(Peggy opens the door to see Marcy and Steve stand on the doorway with presents.)
Marcy Rhoades (played by Amanda Bearse): *singing* We wish you a Merry Christmas…
(Marcy elbows Steve right by the ribs forcing him to sing along.)
Steve Rhoades (played by David Garrison): *singing* We wish you a Merry Christmas…
Marcy & Steve: *singing* We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.
"Oh, these guys…" Sean rolled his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, paying a visit to the Bundys is their annoying happy-go-lucky neighbors, Marcy and Steve Rhoades, played by a post-Fright Night Amanda Bearse and David Garrison. Who, of course, wouldn't last long in the show since he left midway of Season 4 and got replaced by a better looking man midway of Season 5 by this dude.
(Clips of Married… With Children play out in a montage, showing Jefferson D'Arcy, played by Ted McGinley)
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, that good looking motherfucker is Jefferson D'Arcy, played by thought-to-be-show-killer Ted McGinley. His inclusion in this show definitely was a warm welcome to audiences, playing Marcy's brand new superior husband and boy-toy. And yeah, he's also a bit of a pretty boy as well.
(A clip from the Married… With Children episode The Chicago Wine Party plays.)
Jefferson D'Arcy (played by Ted McGinley): I'd marry a rich Greek. Of course, she'd have to shave her legs, and under her arms, oh, and her lip. And she'd die and leave me a fortune and… I'd become an editor.
Lucas then raised his eyebrow, "You know, looking at him, I think he kinda resembles someone I know all too well."
(A clip of Total Drama Island plays showing Justin.)
Justin (voiced by Adam Greydon Reid): Do I think I ride on my good looks? That I use them to my advantage? Do I think being really really ridiculously good-looking has given me the upper hand in life? *laughs* Duh.
"That's right, folks." Lucas nodded to the camera, "Jefferson was a real-life Justin before Total Drama was ever a thing."
"I could definitely see where the creators of Total Drama got that narcissism from." Sean nodded as well, "And damn, does this show."
Sean (Narrating): Yeah, going off topic here, Marcy and Steve show up to give presents to the Bundy brethren. And as for the gift that Al gets from them, well…
Steve Rhoades: Al, we thought long and hard about this, and then we came up with the perfect gift. Here.
(Steve hands Marcy a letter to give to Al. Al then opens the letter up.)
Steve Rhoades: We donated some money in your name to the National Organization For Women.
Lucas shook his head saying, "No offense, Steve, but have you actually seen Al and the kind of women he's met? I don't think he's done one thoughtful thing for women at all, let alone the kind that's big as a house."
"And just in case you don't understand, Steve. Let me show you…" Sean replied as a montage of Al Bundy and fat women started playing.
(A clip of the Married… With Children episode "Crimes Against Obesity" play)
Fat Women: *chanting* 2, 4, 6, 8, don't make fun of our weight. 2, 4, 6, 8, don't make fun of our weight.
Al Bundy: *chanting to fat women* 1, 2, 3, 4, you're gonna fall through the floor!
(A clip of the Married… With Children episode "Twisted" plays.)
Fat Woman Customer: I've had just about had enough of you.
Al Bundy: Well, you wouldn't say that if I came with fries and a medium drink.
(A clip of the Married… With Children episode "Pilot" plays.)
Fat Woman in Red: Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.
Arnold (played by Victor DiMattia): I want a balloon.
Al Bundy: You already got one.
(The fat woman in red looks up being offended.)
"Al Bundy, folks." Sean smirked to the camera, "Grilling fat cows in heels since 1987."
Lucas (Narrating): So, in exchange, what did the Bundys get Marcy and Steve? This.
(Peg hands Marcy a fruitcake with a footprint on it.)
Marcy Rhoades: A fruitcake… with a footprint on it.
Steve Rhoades: Mmm.
"That's exactly what I did to that copy of Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas as well." Sean said, imitating Al Bundy.
Sean (Narrating): So after the gifts are done giving, both the Bundy and Rhoades tune on the tube to see Santa Claus make his way down a helicopter, attempting to parachute in the Lakeside Mall. Looks like Bud seems to like it.
Bud Bundy: Wow, look at him fly.
Marcy Rhoades: Why is he flapping his arms like that?
"I don't know, maybe he wants to be a bird." Lucas shrugged to the camera. "That way Santa can go take a shit all over Kirk Cameron and his sick ass COVID carolers."
"Mike Seaver would soooooo deserve it." Sean nodded, sipping on his alcoholic apple cider.
Announcer: Santa's chute doesn't seem to be opening. Oh, he's being blown off course. Our cameras have lost him! Ladies and gentleman, we don't know where he is!
(The tree limbs then start to crack, leading both the Bundy and the Rhoades's to look to the backyard patio. And then, all of a sudden, Santa Claus falls down from the sky on his head, therefore killing him.)
Sean and Lucas somehow look to the camera, feeling shocked and speechless at what they saw.
"Did Santa just…" Sean uttered out in shock.
"Uh-huh, he did." Lucas nodded.
Sean (Narrating): *screaming* WHAT IN THE SHIT DID I JUST WATCH RIGHT NOW?! PLEASE TELL ME WE JUST DIDN'T SEE SANTA CLAUS FALL FROM THE SKY AND DROP FUCKING DEAD! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
"Huh, now I knew why there was a disclaimer at the beginning of the episode," Lucas said before raising his voice, "Because no other child watching this knew that Santa Claus was going straight to goddamn hell right there!"
Sean shook his head before saying, "I think watching this now just created a Jim Ross moment. I'm not lying, it totally fucking fits this scene."
(The clip of Santa Claus falling from the sky and drops dead is shown yet again, but at the same time, right as he crashes down, a voice clip from WWE King of the Ring 1998 is heard featuring Jim Ross.)
Jim Ross (V.O.): *screaming* GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! THEY KILLED HIM!
Jerry "The King" Lawler: (V.O.): Oh my god.
Jim Ross (V.O.): AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!
"What can I say? Everything goes great with J.R." Lucas smirked while shrugging to the camera.
Then all of a sudden, Taylor comes right in the scene and says to Sean, "What the hell's all that screaming about? Can't you see I'm-"
Taylor then is cut off when she looks at the TV, and sees that Santa Claus is dead from the long fall he took from the sky.
"Wait a minute, is Santa Claus dead?!" Taylor reacted in shock.
"Uh-huh." Sean nodded to Taylor.
Then, all of a sudden, Taylor faints to the floor in response, leaving Sean unsurprised by her reaction to the whole death.
Sean then looked down to Taylor and groaned, "Aw, great, you tore the Christmas sweater I gave to you. There goes $50 down the drain."
Lucas (Narrating): After we come back to the commercial break, we see coroners investigate Santa's death scene leaving Steve to be an instant drunk and Marcy to be scarred for life. As for the Bundy's though, why not some delicious Christmas pizza?
Al Bundy: Hey Peg. You know what we ought to do tonight? We ought to make some Christmas cookies.
Peggy Bundy: Oh yeah, and maybe some eggnog with nutmeg.
Steve Rhoades: You ghouls! Don't you understand there's a splattered Santa all over your yard?
Al Bundy: What do you want me to do, Steve… quit eating?
Marcy Rhoades: Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.
Al Bundy: Could you keep her quiet? We're trying to have Christmas here!
"And by that, we're trying to enjoy our Christmas pizza here." Sean said, imitating Al.
"I swear, if Marcy's scarred so damn much, let's have her trapped inside that house she was in Fright Night," Lucas nodded out, "That way she won't have to act like a shivered loon. But then again, leaving her trapped would turn her into a shark-mouthed vampire, so there's that."
Lucas (Narrating): With Marcy still shivering like a cold little fuck, the lead coroner, who looks like a fat John Oates and Dennis Franz combined gives the Bundy's a few questions about the victim.
Coroner (Played by Mike Hagerty): Did you know the deceased?
Peggy Bundy: Well, you know, I've read about him in books, but in books, he's usually going up.
Coroner: So that's a no. Did anyone actually see him fall?
Bud Bundy: I wish.
Coroner: You know, um, son, I don't want you to get confused here, okay? The real Santa would have never jumped out of a plane with a bottle of muscatel in each hand. No, the real Santa, he's alive and well and he's living at the North Pole, and he'll visit your house real soon. I'm sure he'll find it.
Bud Bundy: It shouldn't be too hard. Just follow the buzzards.
"And look for the giant Santa-shaped hole on the ground too." Sean said.
Both Lucas and Sean turn to Taylor, who is shivering in fear after witnessing the death of Santa Claus.
"Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God." Taylor said.
"Babe, are you alright?" Sean asked.
"You monster! I just saw Santa Claus fall to his death!" Taylor yelled out.
(We then cut to Buck, who is showing his new chew toy to Steve and Marcy. He has one of Santa's red shoes in his mouth)
Steve Rhoades: Uh… Is that your shoe, Al?
Al Bundy: Nope.
Marcy Rhoades: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
"Jesus, can somebody please shut Chicken Boo up?" Sean asked.
"Who are you calling Chicken Boo?" Taylor asked, glaring at Sean.
"Not you, you clucking idiot." Lucas said.
"Oh, cluck you." Taylor said.
"Easy, now. I was talking about Marcy." Sean said.
"Oh, that annoying chicken." Taylor said.
Marcy Rhoades: Santa's gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again
Kelly Bundy: Well, you're in the right place.
Peggy Bundy: Come on, Marcy. These things happen.
Marcy Rhoades: When has this happened?
"Looks like this chick hasn't seen the movie Gremlins. Yeah, Phoebe Cates had some dark stuff that will scar Marcy for life if she watches it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the coroner rolls out Santa's corpse out of the house, but there's one huge problem… you have a bunch of whiny, snot-nosed brats who are standing in front of the Bundy's front door all waiting to see Santa.
Coroner: Uh-oh.
Al Bundy: What's wrong now? Did the Easter Bunny hang himself in my front yard?
Coroner: Uh, no. There's kids out there. This might have a bad effect on them, this being Christmas and Santa here looking like tree sap and all. We can't take him out there now. Swing him back over that way, boys. Come on.
(As the coroner's assistants carry Santa, his bells start to jingle again)
Marcy Rhoades: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Steve Rhoades: It's okay, Marcy. Come on. I'll take you home.
Marcy Rhoades: Yes, home, where Perry Como sings and Santa's still alive.
(As Steve opens the door for him to take Marcy home, they are stopped by the children outside)
Carl (Played by Edan Gross): Is Santa okay? We heard he landed in your yard.
Children: Yeah!
"Oooh, that's gonna be a tough one to explain to the children. I mean, you don't want to scar them for life by telling them that Santa is dead." Sean said.
"Could be worse. He could tell them that the Easter Bunny is dead." Lucas said.
"Please, will you two stop cutting the nuts off of my childhood?" Taylor asked.
Sean then looked at Taylor with a raised eyebrow, "But you don't have any nuts. You're a woman."
Taylor gasped at Sean before reminding him sternly to his face, "I am your girlfriend for fuck's sake, Sean! You know, just for that, you're wrapping the damn presents this time. I'm going to my room and getting myself some frogs and some bourbon!"
It was there that Taylor threw down the package at Sean's lap and left the house, looking very pissed off as ever. The impact that Sean had when that package hit him right in his pant-covered groin was painful at best, making Sean huff out a bit while Lucas let out a chuckle.
"Yeah, get used to that when you're married." Lucas smirked out before sipping his apple cider.
Lucas (Narrating): Well, since Sean's nuts is hurting a bit, I'll take over for him. Marcy then lies to the kids, telling Santa's gonna be fine as long as there's a Christmas. Of course, she then brands the Bundys as killers for murdering Santa, leaving Al ticked off as ever to tell those kids to leave, but not without also lying to Santa's condition.
Al Bundy: Okay, everybody. Boys and girls, uh, and you, Tony… Uh, Santa's okay. Now, he just had a little bit of Bundy's cooking, and he's in the bathroom, bent over, but he's going to be fine. So… go home.
Kids: *screaming* WE WANNA SEE HIM!
Al Bundy: No!
(A kid throws a snowball at Al's chest, which he hardly flinches.)
"Or as how I say in my home state of Arkansas: FUCK ALL Y'ALL, YA LITTLE SHITBISCUITS!" Lucas smirked out.
Lucas (Narrating): Al then threatens to roll Santa out of the house, but his wife Peg automatically leaves Al no other choice but to do the one only thing that will finally make the kids leave…
Kids: Come on, Santa!
(Al enters outside, dressed like Santa Claus.)
Al Bundy: Ho ho ho! Hi, everybody!
Both Sean and Lucas stare at the camera looking very dumbfounded and stunned, seeing Al Bundy dress up as Santa Claus. They immediately become like this for a good several seconds before a random clip plays.
(A clip of the show Family Matters plays featuring Eddie Winslow.)
Eddie Winslow (played by Darius McCrary): Why do you look like that?
Sean (Narrating): Ladies and gentleman, Al Bundy as Santa Claus himself. I literally have no words.
Lucas (Narrating): I bet Al kinda does.
Al Bundy: I'm fine. I landed on my belly. Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, each and every one.
"Bullshit, Santa landed right on his ugly friggin' head!" Sean snarled out.
Al Bundy: And remember, I know when you've been sleeping. I know when you're awake. *angrily to Joey* You, Joey, I know it was you who lit that bag of doody and put on the Bundy porch, so you're outta luck this Christmas!
"And because of that, Santa won't bring you any Brazzers DVDs when you're 18! So live with that." Sean said to the camera, imitating Al Bundy.
Lucas (Narrating): Al Bundy successfully manages to trick the kids however, only when one of them asks Al Bundy this…
Kid (played by Michael Faustino): But what did you bring us?
Al Bundy: Uh, noth-nothing yet. That's why I gotta get back to the North Pole with Dancer and Prancer and, uh… Donald and Goofy.
"Yeah, they would have been big help for you, Al, but Donald and Goofy are busy looking after Sora's ass in Kingdom Hearts." Lucas smirked out, "I don't know, why not try the other six frickin' reindeer you forgot? Some kind of Santa you are."
Lucas (Narrating) Santa Al attempts to leave again only for one of the little kids to tell them what they want from him.
Al Bundy: What do you want?
Carl: I wanna sit on your lap.
Al Bundy: Uh, all right, but make it fast. *sets Carl on his lap* Santa wants hemorrhoids.
"He probably got them by Peg on their unneeded sex nights." Sean replied.
Sean (Narrating) The kid then tells Santa Al why he came to the Bundy's house, only for Santa Al to tell the kid to his face this…
Al Bundy: *to Carl* Oh, well, I came to bring him special presents because he sells women's shoes and is cursed with a foul wife and has ungrateful kids, but still, he goes on.
Carl: But he's a butthead.
"Um, no kid, he isn't." Lucas said as a picture of Butt-Head from Beavis and Butt-Head pops up in the middle, "This guy is. You can tell because he hangs out with Beavis."
Lucas (Narrating): The kid then tells Al he wants a real life horse for Christmas. What does Al respond by the way?
Al Bundy: *to Carl* Hmmm, your mom's the one who makes pies for everyone in the neighborhood but those nice Bundy's, isn't she?
(Carl then nods.)
Al Bundy: All right, well, Santa will leave you a horse tonight under your tree. But if it's not there in the morning, it's because your mommy chased it away and killed it. *gets Carl off his lap* Next!
"That's right, kid." Sean nodded with an evil smirk, "After she's done killing it, she's gonna use every part of that dead horse to skin, gut and chop that ass to make cupcakes out of horse just to feed to you."
"That was a little My Little Pony fanfic pun my friend just made just so you don't already know." Lucas smirked to the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) And time passes as Al finishes playing Santa for the kiddies. Only for Marcy to see him dressed as Santa.
Marcy Rhoades: I'm feeling a little better now. (She sees Al dressed as Santa) Oh no, he was better off dead!
(Marcy runs back upstairs)
"Oh, I know what Steve is gonna get Marcy for Christmas. A VHS copy of Silent Night, Deadly Night." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And just when the Bundys' day was about to end, they get a visit from the guy from Lakeside Mall who just wants to apologize for the little incident that happened.
Mr. Mallman (Played by David Ruprecht): Well, I'm from the Lakeside Mall, and I just wanted to offer our apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused.
Al Bundy: Hey, no problem, no inconvenience. You took all my business, cost me my bonus, made my family hate me...
Peggy Bundy: That's right.
Al Bundy: ...And on top of all of that you slam dunk Santa into my backyard and almost ruined Christmas for every kid in the neighborhood!
Mr. Mallman: Almost?
Peggy Bundy: Well, you see, my husband dressed up as Santa, so the kids would know he was okay. By the way, love your mall!
Mr. Mallman: We've got it all.
"We've got a GameStop so you can get Bud that PS5 for Christmas, a Spencer's store for Kelly to shop for that sex toy for herself, a shoe store for you and a bar for Al to go to so he won't deal with you." Lucas said, imitating Mr. Mallman.
Sean: (Narrating) The man from Lakeside Mall asks Al if anyone knows what's really happened, but Al tells him no. But the man pulls out a check as a bribe to keep him quiet about the incident, but ends up ripping it up, much to Peggy's disappointment. Well, damn. So much for a sucky Christmas.
"Hell, that's how I felt after learning that I didn't win $5,000 on my scratch-off lottery ticket. I still say that's complete bullshit. I mean, how the fuck should I know, if I found a moneystack symbol with the thing that I won? At least give me the goddamn money for something!" Sean yelled out.
Peggy Bundy: Well Al, look at it this way: you did a nice thing, cost us a nice bribe and a shot at a happy Christmas. (Turns to Kelly and Bud) Thank your father, kids.
Bud and Kelly: Thanks, Dad!
"Thank, Al! Thanks for giving your family a sucky Christmas." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) But hey, since they didn't get any money for Christmas, they find something in the backyard after it falls to the ground. Oh, dear. Let's hope that it's not Rudolph. But it's not a dead reindeer, instead, it's a sack filled with something special.
Al Bundy: Hey, look, it's $10 certificates to the Lakeside Mall!
Bud Bundy: Hundreds of them!
Kelly Bundy: It must have been in the bag Santa had when he jumped.
Peggy Bundy: We're rich! We're rich!
Al Bundy: ...And I found it!
Peggy Bundy: Thank your father, kids.
Bud and Kelly: Thanks, Dad!
Al Bundy: Let's go bust the mall! But first a moment of silence, 'cause we owe a lot to that jolly Flat Man.
(They bow their heads for a moment of silence)
"Let's bow our heads in silence for Santa Claus." Sean said as him and Lucas both bow their heads in silence.
Peggy Bundy: Okay, let's go!
Sean looks up at the camera in shock.
"Well, damn! Have you no respect for the dead." Sean said.
(The Bundys leave for the mall while Buck is playing with Santa's shoe in the snow-covered backyard while "The Christmas Song" plays in the background)
"And that was the Married… With Children episode "You Better Watch Out", and I did get a hell of a good laugh from watching this episode." Sean said.
Lucas (Narrating): I mean, this episode just screams vintage Married… With Children all around it. Quite controversial, cuts all around the BS, and that usual Bundy humor shines like a diamond all around this episode. Was it a bit dark due to what this episode had with a dead Santa? Yes, it was, but kudos to the rest of this show for making a lot of light in this little Christmas special. If there's one thing I do like to forget by the way, is Al dressing up as Santa Claus. Yeah, I know, blame Peg.
Sean (Narrating): For a Christmas episode, this is definitely right up anyone's alley for those who love a little dark humor in their comedies. If your young one can at least handle the dark content found in this, than this might as well be the episode for the both of you. Just use a little parental guidance just in case. "You Better Watch Out" falls in at five dead Santas out of five.
"Well, what a Christmas this was, huh?" Lucas smirked over to Sean.
"Yeah, no kidding." Sean nodded as he sipped on his apple cider, right before facing the camera, "Well, that wraps it up for this little Christmas shindig. I'm The Mayhem Critic, this is UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, and have yourself a Merry little fuckin' Christmas."
Before they could end the episode though, both Sean and Lucas heard the sound of twigs breaking from the outside. They soon look out the window only to see the Grinch falling off the roof and drop dead into the floor.
Looking surprised yet shocked, Sean turned to Lucas and said, "Did the Grinch just fall out of the sky."
"I believe so." Lucas nodded.
"Is he…?" Sean said with a raised eyebrow.
Lucas nodded before saying, "Oh, yeah, he's dead, alright."
Both Sean and Lucas remained silent for a little while before Sean smirked out and shouted, "I GET HIS LEGS!"
"I GET HIS ARMS!" Lucas shouted back before the two raced outside, mostly to have the dead Grinch all to themselves. As they leave, the words "Merry F'N Christmas from the Mayhem Critic" pops up in the screen.
Mayhem Critic Tagline - Santa Claus is coming to the Lakeside Mall!
Yikes, talk about another long episode, huh? Yeah, I know, but what can you expect. Christmas may be far from over, but I still got that holiday spirit regardless as next episode, I take a look at the film to possibly enter the new year, A View To A Kill, which is the final James Bond film to include Roger Moore as the lead role. Do I expect it to be good, or do I expect this film to die? Either way, expect this review to be something else folks. Plus, if you want to help me out with a co-review or have any movie you want to suggest to me, make sure you read, review or PM me. I'll be sure to give it my best. Until next time, have a Merry (late) Christmas and Happy New Year, folks. Later!