The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another great and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, 2020 is about to come to an end and it's time to say goodbye to this disastrous year and Sean the Mayhem Critic has picked out the perfect movie to review. A movie which involves a British secret agent and Christopher Walken. That's right, Sean will be talking about the 1985 movie A View to a Kill to see if it's good or if it deserves to die another day. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. A View to a Kill is owned by MGM/UA Entertainment.
Episode 110
A View to a Kill
The review opens with Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his living room as he prepares to talk about today's movie.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said. "Since 2020 is coming to an end, I'd figure that I might review a movie that best describes this disastrous year."
(Various scenes of A View to a Kill is shown featuring a scene where Max Zorin blows up the mine and gunning down all of his mine workers with an Uzi and laughs, followed by a scene where KGB agent Pola Ivanova's partner is killed by a propeller in the water intake turbine, one of Zorin's client's gets dropped out of a blimp and falls to his death, Zorin shoots the Chief Geologist with Bond's pistol and Zorin's blimp exploding)
"Yeah, this is that movie. A View to a Kill." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie is shown while the James Bond theme by Monty Norman plays)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on May 22nd, 1985, A View to a Kill is the fourteenth film in the James Bond and the seventh and last film to star Roger Moore as James Bond. The title is adapted from Ian Fleming's short story from 1960 simply titled "From a View to a Kill", this one has it's original screenplay. The movie was written Albert R. Broccoli's stepson Michael G. Wilson and Richard Maibaum, who wrote the majority of the James Bond movies and this was the third Bond movie to be directed by John Glen, who had worked as an editor and second unit director on three other Bond films like On Her Majesty's Secret Service, The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker. The movie's box office reception was great, but the reception from critics was mixed, mostly due to Roger Moore's age, and he was 57 at the time. Is this one of the weirdest Bond films ever?
(A clip from Saturday Night Live is shown featuring the Ed Glosser, Trivial Psychic: Limited Usefulness sketch)
Ed Glosser (Played by Christopher Walken): I don't know.
"Well, let's end 2020 with a bang..." Sean said.
(Another clip from A View to a Kill is shown, featuring Bond sleeping with May Day)
"Oh, God. Why me? This is A View to a Kill." Sean said.
(The movie opens with a disclaimer that reads: "Neither the name 'Zorin' nor any other name or character in this film is mean to portray a real company or actual person.")
Sean: (Narrating) You know, it's nice to see a Bond movie letting us know that the name 'Zorin' nor any other name or character in this film is meant to portray a real company or actual person.
"I guess I should just call my lawyer Zorin, Alan Zorin. He works for the law firm of Zorin and Hart." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the traditional gun barrel opening, featuring Roger Moore as James Bond)
Sean: (Narrating) After we get our traditional gun barrel sequence, we open up in Siberia where we see James Bond, played by Roger Moore, locating the body of agent 003 to retrieve a microchip, until a bunch of Russian soldiers who were scouting the area show up and they immediately start shooting at him and we're thrown into some action.
(A group of Russian soldiers start shooting at Bond while he escapes on skis)
"And in Batman: The Animated Series logic, these guys can't shoot for shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I just love the opening action sequence, you got some great action and John Barry's music score, there's no way that you can mess this up…
(Bond starts snowboarding on the snowmobile's ski board while "California Girls" by Gidea Park plays in the background)
We then cut to Sean as his smile is soon demolished by a cheap gag as he looks around in confusion.
"What the hell?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Why would you put in a Beach Boys song over an action scene? It just completely ruins it. It's terribly cheesy. Hell, the only good thing about this scene was when Bond surfs over the water and he outsmarts the bad guys, but they just shit all over it by playing "California Girls" over it. And yes, I know. It's the Moore-era Bond movies and they tend to have goofy moments like that.
"Hell, it wasn't as bad as Bond doing the Tarzan yell in Octopussy." Sean said.
(A clip from Octopussy is shown, featuring Bond doing the Tarzan yell while swinging on vines)
(One of the Russian soldiers in the helicopter shoots at Bond. Then, Bond fires a flare at the helicopter, causing it to fly uncontrollably and crash into a glacier)
"Well, that's one way to take out a Russian helicopter. If you don't have your gun with you, fire a flare at it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond then returns to a covert submarine disguised as a glacier. Okay, now that's funny. Hell, it's much better than the Beach Boys gag. And of course, there's a hot chick waiting for him.
Kimberley Jones (Played by Mary Stavin): Mission accomplished?
James Bond (Played by Roger Moore): Best Beluga. Vodka, rather shaken, and one microchip.
"But no foie gras. I do not want any foie gras. You know how I feel about that stuff." Sean said, imitating James Bond.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, it isn't a Bond movie, unless he ends up sleeping with her.
(Bond starts the engine, causing Kimberley to fall into his arms)
Kimberley Jones: Commander Bond!
James Bond: (Unzips Kimberley's outfit) Call me James. It's five days to Alaska.
(They start kissing)
"Okay, now. I think it's time that I talk about the elephant in the room. And it's Roger Moore." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, good God. The guy was like 57 years old at the time when they filmed this movie and it shows because he had visibly aged in the two years that have passed since Octopussy. And doing romantic scenes with women who are like younger than him, it's too cringy to watch because he's old enough to be their grandfather.
"Yeah, expect me to be dry heaving like Jim Carrey when I come across scenes like this." Sean said.
(The opening credits begin, featuring the title song "A View to a Kill" performed by Duran Duran)
Sean: (Narrating) We come to the opening credits of the movie and we get our awesome theme song for the movie, which is "A View to a Kill" performed by Duran Duran and what can I say about this song?
"I think it's the most awesome song ever in a Bond movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The song is so awesome that it was nominated for a Golden Globe. And it is the most successful Bond theme to date. You should check out the music video because it is awesome. Aside from the awesome song, the title sequence is amazing. I really like how they gave it the 80s feeling. We get some skiing and the use of neon colors and I love how boldly they use it and playing around with ice and fire.
"But enough of that, give me that awesome song!" Sean said with a smile on his face.
(The song plays while the opening credits are shown before we cut to Sean dancing to the song)
Sean: (Narrating) Maybe it's just because I'm a nut to 80s music but whenever I hear this song , it makes me proud to be a Bond fan. After the opening credits, we cut to merry old London, where Bond finds Moneypenny, played by Lois Maxwell, in her horrendous outfit in this series and man, Lois Maxwell was getting way too old in this series.
"Why couldn't they bring back Penelope Smallbone from Octopussy?" Sean asked. "And let's get back to Roger Moore."
Sean: (Narrating) He just looks off in this movie. Well, I forgot to point out that he got a face lift and had that signature mole of his removed. It just bothered me. I mean, I wasn't even bothered by his appearance in For Your Eyes Only and Octopussy, but this one…
(A clip from Seinfeld is shown)
Kramer (Played by Michael Richards): Yama hama, it's fright night.
"It's like if Daniel Craig doing another Bond movie and Meg Donnelly was the Bond girl in this movie. Yeah, Daniel Craig. A 52-year-old doing a romantic scene with Meg Donnelly, who's 20. Hell, it's like me doing a romantic scene with Shay Rudolph from The Babysitter's Club." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After speaking with Moneypenny, Bond enters the office to speak with M, played by Robert Brown, Frederick Gray the Minister of Defence played by Geoffrey Keen and Q played by Desmond Llewelyn. And we see that Q is showing off his new toy that he brought from FAO Schwartz.
James Bond: A new pet, Q?
Q (Played by Desmond Llewelyn): If, 007, you'd ever bothered to read any memos sent from my department, you would realize that this is a prototype of a highly sophisticated surveillance machine.
"Ooh, a surveillance robot. I want one of those so I could spy on Taylor in the shower." Sean said. "Are you kidding me? RC from Toy Story is more covert than this thing."
Sean: (Narrating) Q informs them that the retrieved microchip and using some technical babble like chips that are designed to withstand an electromagnetic pulse and that company has already made microchips for the British that can withstand a magnetic pulse. Well, here's the thing about this one when Q compares the chip with the other microchip that Bond found on 003's body in Siberia on the micro-comparator.
Minister of Defence (Played by Geoffrey Keen): The KGB must have a pipeline into that research company.
M (Played by Robert Brown): It would appear so. Six months ago, that company was acquired by an Anglo-French combine: Zorin Industries.
James Bond: I presume, sir. There has been a security check of the plant?
M: A very extensive one. But we have no leads.
James Bond: What about Zorin himself?
Minister of Defence: Max Zorin? Impossible, he's a leading French industrialist. A staunch anti-communist with influential friends in the government.
"Well, maybe this Max Zorin character is up to no good. He's a tycoon of the company. Remember in Moonraker, Hugo Drax was the head of Drax Industries. He was also a tycoon. So yeah, tycoons are evil." Sean said as a photo of Donald Trump pops up. "Oh, yeah. Him too."
Sean: (Narrating) So Bond, Moneypenny, M and Q are at the Ascot Racecourse to see a horse race and I swear they look like a bunch of old people having a picnic in the park. Anyway, so the entire MI6 staff goes on to shadow this Max Zorin guy, and we're introduced to the man himself, the main villain of the movie, Max Zorin played by Christopher Walken. Okay, remember on the Nostalgia Critic's review of Batman Returns when he said that he brings 100% Walken in this movie. Well, in this one, I would say that he brings out like 90% or 100% to his performance as Max Zorin.
(The song "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim starts playing)
Max Zorin (Played by Christopher Walken): I'm happiest in the saddle./ (Laughs) You amuse me, Mr. Bond./Intuitive improvisation is the secret of genius./More. More power./You lost, 007./You jeopardized MINE!/So, anyone else want to drop out?
"Okay, that's 90% Walken in this performance. No, wait. It's 95%." Sean said.
Max Zorin: Yes. A convenient coincidence.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to Max Zorin's henchwoman named May Day, played by Grace Jones. Aside from microchips, Zorin has an interest in horses and his horse Pegasus, (a picture of Sean's old cat is shown) not my old cat who died back in 2002, wins the race. Hmm, must be that special horse food that they've been giving him. And we're also introduced to Bond's ally Sir Godfrey Tibbett, played by Patrick Macnee.
"Oh, great. Another actor from The Avengers that appears in a Bond movie. Is there anyone else from The Avengers that ends up starring in a Bond movie later on?" Sean asked.
(A picture of Ralph Fiennes as John Steed in the film adaptation of The Avengers is shown, along with him as M in Spectre)
"Okay, that movie doesn't count!" Sean yelled out.
M: Lucky man, Zorin.
Sir Godfrey Tibbett (Played by Patrick Macnee): Could be more than luck, Admiral.
James Bond: Fixed?
Sir Godfrey Tibbett: Your guess is as good as mine. The French Jockey Club have hired a detective friend of mine, Aubergine to look into it.
Sean: (Narrating) Tibbett knows that the horse winning the race is complete baloney and he has a hunch that he must be drugged.
"I'm tellin' ya, it's those damn horse steroids that they've been giving Pegasus." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to the lovely city of Paris, where Bond starts his investigation and he meets up with French private detective Achille Aubergine, played by Jean Rougerie.
James Bond: (Drinks his glass of champagne) Bollinger '75.
Aubergine (Played by Jean Rougerie): I see you are a connoisseur, Monsieur Bond. Ensuite, Lafite Rothschild '59.
James Bond: Another excellent choice.
Aubergine: I'm pleased you approve - since you're paying the bill. (Raises his glass) Cheers.
"Bond knows a thing or two about French champagne, so, I'd guess he's worked with French intelligence before." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Aubergine informs Bond that Zorin is holding a horse sale at his estate later in the month, until he is killed by May Day in a very strange way.
(May Day swings the hook into Aubergine's cheek, killing )
"What the hell?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The guy got killed by a tiny hook in his cheek. How the hell does that even kill him? He should probably be living after having a hook being swung into his cheek. Couldn't May Day just shoot the guy?
(A clip from Batman Forever is shown)
Bruce Wayne (Played by Val Kilmer): It just raises too many questions
"Well, there you go. I added a clip from Batman Forever to go with that scene." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond goes after May Day and starts chasing her up the Eiffel Tower and he does some terrible shooting.
(While May Day runs up the stairs, Bond starts shooting at her, but misses)
Sean: (Narrating) Wow, Bond needs to brush up on his target practice skills some more. He just kept missing May Day. Imagine if one of those bullets hit someone.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean and Taylor playing a couple in Paris. They're both standing in the observation deck taking in the sight)
Taylor: Wow, Sean. Look at this view. I'm really glad that you took me to Paris for our anniversary.
Sean: I know. Its a view to a kill.
(Sean and Taylor start hearing gunshots)
Taylor: What's that noise?
Sean: Ah, it's must've been some kind of fireworks.
(We cut to Bond shooting at May Day, he misses and then one of the bullets ends up hitting Sean, hitting him on his arm)
Sean: (Screams) What the hell?
Taylor: Oh, my God! Sean!
Sean: I just got shot. Somebody shot me! God, I can't believe it!
Brian: (as a Frenchman) In France, it is the language of love and deadly sights.
Sean: Shut up, Frenchie!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
(May Day sees Bond and jumps off of the Eiffel Tower while the song "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly plays she opens her parachute and Bond sees her gliding away)
Sean: (Narrating) May Day glides away as Bond resorts to grand theft auto in Paris.
James Bond: Taxi!
Paris Taxi Driver (Played by Lucien Jerome): Je ne suis pas en service.
James Bond: Follow that parachute.
Paris Taxi Driver: Crazy English!
(Bond grabs the taxi driver out of his cab. We then see the name of the radio station a la Grand Theft Auto V show up on the screen. The name of the radio station is WDUM)
Roger Lodge: (on the radio) Hey, this is Roger Lodge here on WDUM and we're about to play our next song. This is a song that was on a Bond movie and it was nominated for a Golden Globe. This is "A View to a Kill" by Duran Duran.
Paris Taxi Driver: My car!
Sean: (Narrating) So Bond goes after May Day and we get a neat little chase scene with some great stunt work. Also, Bond ends up destroying the top of his car and ends up smashing it in half and he's still able to drive the car. How's that even possible?
(A clip from Saturday Night Live is shown)
Ed Glosser: I don't know.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, as much thrilling as this car chase is, I think that you'll clearly see Roger Moore's stunt double. And looking at the Blu-Ray version of the film, you can definitely see his stunt double. (Cut to the image of Roger Moore's stunt double in the chase scene) I mean, who the hell is that?
Sean: (V/O as Stunt Double) They don't pay me enough.
"Yeah, it's like trying to spot Daniel Craig's stunt double in Casino Royale." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well anyway, May Day parachutes on top of a party boat that's holding a wedding, and then Bond becomes a wedding crasher… literally.
(Bond jumps off of the bridge and crashes through the roof and lands into the cake until he sees May Day)
James Bond: (Hands the piece of cake to the bride) Congratulations.
"Congratulations, your special day has been ruined. Now, let's eat some cake.
Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond gets arrested and May Day gets away, so M bails him out and he has something to say to him.
M: May I remind you that this operation was to be conducted discreetly. All it took was six million francs in damages and penalties for violating most of the Napoleonic Code.
"I am taking this out of your allowance, 007. And you're grounded." Sean said, imitating M.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond tells M that Aubergine told him that Zorin is having a thoroughbred sale at his stud. So he goes there with Tibbett tagging along and he goes undercover to pay the place a visit by posing as a millionaire.
Pan Ho (Played by Papillon Soo Soo): Mr St John Smith?
James Bond: SIN-jun Smythe, my dear.
"Okay, I just love that name. Okay, if I'm at a strip club or a fancy club and I don't want some random chick to have my real name, that's the name that I'm gonna use. Or I might use that name as a new pen name for my fanfics." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Zorin's head of security Scarpine, played by Patrick Bauchau, shows Bond to the stables, where the horses are being shown.
James Bond: Tell me - the Ithacus colt. Is it here?
Scarpine (Played by Patrick Bauchau) You mean the full brother of Pegasus?
James Bond: Yes.
Scarpine: He's the outstanding horse of the sales. He'll be shown last. We expect him to fetch over three million dollars.
James Bond: Sounds quite reasonable.
Scarpine: If you're in need of any further assistance please call me.
James Bond: Thank you.
"Well, he seems like a nice guy. But then again, he's a henchman with a scar on his face. And then you realize that this is the same guy who played Enrique Rojas in Clear and Present Danger." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Tibbett arrive at Zorin's chateau, where they are greeted by a hot blonde named Jenny Flex, played by Alison Doody. Who you might recognize her from this movie that I reviewed back in 2019.
(A clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is shown, featuring the character Dr. Elsa Schneider, played by Alison Doody, falling to her death into a chasm while trying to reach for the grail)
Jenny Flex (Played by Alison Doody): Welcome, sir. I'm Jenny Flex.
James Bond: Of course you are.
"I bet you that Jenny is flexible in the bedroom." Sean said, smirking naughtily.
"Okay, Danny Bonaduce." Brian said.
James Bond: Well, my dear, I take it you spend a quite a lot of time in the saddle.
Jenny Flex: Yes, I love an early morning ride.
"Really? Taylor loves an early morning ride too. And it's in the bedroom, if you know what I mean." Sean said, winking at the camera.
James Bond: Oh, I'm an early riser myself.
"Oh, God. Please, I do not want to hear about Bond getting an erection in the morning. It's probably from the Viagra that he's been taking over the years." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond gets settled into his room and I love the bit where he has a cassette tape playing on which he is bossing Tibbett around as Zorin's goons are obviously listening in on his room. Great stuff.
(Bond and Tibbett step out on the balcony)
James Bond: Well done, my good man.
Sir Godfrey Tibbett: Must we keep this up when we're alone?
James Bond: A successful cover becomes almost second nature.
"We could pose as lovers, if you want to." Sean said, imitating Bond. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Sean: (Narrating) Tibbett tells Bond about Pegasus missing and that they should look into it, but in the meantime, Bond's babe-senses are tingling)
(Bond spots a gorgeous blonde woman stepping out of the chopper and talking to Zorin)
Sean: (V/O as Bond) Helloooooooo nurse!
Sir Godfrey Tibbett: Another wealthy owner?
James Bond: Who knows? But she'd certainly bear a closer inspection.
Sir Godfrey Tibbett: We're on a mission.
James Bond: Sir Godfrey, on a mission I am expected to sacrifice myself.
"And by that, he means sleeping with every woman on a mission." Sean said,
Sean: (Narrating) Later on, Bond is at the party and he snoops around Zorin's office and finds a check for $5,000,000 to Stacey Sutton. Oh, yeah. He then meets this German scientist by the name of Dr. Carl Mortner, played by the late Willoughby Gray and Bond also bumps into some guy who works for Zorin by the name of Bob Conley, played by Manning Redwood.
Bob Conley (Played by Manning Redwood): Hiya, doc!
Dr. Carl Mortner (Played by Willoughby Gray): Good afternoon, Mr. Conley. Mr. Conley, Mr. Smythe.
Bob Conley: Bob Conley.
James Bond: Are you a trainer?
Bob Conley: Horses? Hell, I can't even ride. I'm in the oil business.
"Which explains your Texan accent. I guess this guy is from Texas." Sean said.
Bob Conley: Frisco. I handle Mr. Zorin's oil interests there.
"A man with a Texan accent who works in the oil business in Frisco. Uh, couldn't you work for J.R. Ewing instead of Max Zorin?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And Bond is introduced to the man of the hour himself, Max Zorin and the two start talking.
James Bond: I must congratulate you, Mr. Zorin. Your stables are magnificent.
Max Zorin: Built in the 16th century by a duke who believed he'd be reincarnated as a horse. Have you had interested in thoroughbreds long.
James Bond: Oh no, no, no. As a matter of fact I had a rather dotty old aunt die and leave me some stables. So I thought it might be rather fun to breed and raise horses. I take it you ride?
Max Zorin: I'm happiest in the saddle. (Laughs)
"I bet you are, you awkward guy." Sean said.
"I'll give Bond credit, he meets some interesting people." Brian said, in a Bugs Bunny voice.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond brings up fishing, which struck a chord inside Max Zorin as he goes to mingle, then Bond goes over to the woman that Max Zorin was talking to named Stacey…
(A clip from The Babysitter's Club is shown featuring Stacey McGill)
Stacey McGill (Played by Shay Rudolph): Oh, don't worry. I can disconnect my pump for up to an hour if I want to swim.
Sean: (Narrating) Wrong Stacey. I'm talking about Stacey Sutton, played by the beautiful and talented Tanya Roberts, who sadly passed away this year. Stacey is going to be our Bond girl for this movie, she's portrayed as one of those mysteriously strong and independent women who have zero interest in Bond at the start. And Bond starts hitting on her.
James Bond: Well, are you buying or selling?
Stacey Sutton (Played by Tanya Roberts): Selling?
James Bond: Horses.
Stacey Sutton: Oh. No, I'm not interested in horses.
James Bond: (Chuckles) Well, you came to the wrong place, didn't you?
"The most dashing British spy in the world, ladies and gentlemen. And here he is hitting on a woman who's young enough to be his granddaughter." Sean said.
Max Zorin: (Sees Bond talking to Stacey) May Day. Get her away from him.
May Day (Played by Grace Jones): I'm sure I've seen him somewhere before.
"Really? You don't seem to recognize him? The old bastard was chasing you in Paris. How can you not recognize him?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But before Bond's viagra starts kicking in and tries to take Stacey into his bedroom, May Day arrives and starts cockblocking the horny bastard. Thank you, May Day. Thank you for stopping Bond trying to put his A-game on her.
James Bond: Oh, does this mean you're not staying the night? I was hoping we'd spend the evening together. Now I shall be all alone.
Stacey Sutton: I doubt that.
James Bond: (Takes Stacey's champagne glass) Well, let me walk you to the chopper
May Day: That won't be necessary. Someone will take care of you.
James Bond: Oh, you'll see to that personal, will you?
(May Day gives Bond a look, then walks away)
"Nope, nope. Just because May Day is a strong black woman and James Bond is a suave white British guy who's like 60, I am not, I am not going to make a jungle fever joke on this review." Sean said.
(A clip from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is shown)
Carlton Banks (Played by Alfonso Ribeiro): (Sings) Since she's got jungle fever, he's got jungle fever, they've got jungle fever we're in love.
"Goddamn it." Sean said.
"You wanna explain that one?" Brian asked.
"Oh, jungle fever is when a black person and a white person, male or female, are attracted to each other. Call it an interracial romance. For example, the 1991 Spike Lee movie Jungle Fever shows the romance between a man, who's black, and a woman, who's white and also Italian." Sean said.
"Ah, got it." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later at night, Bond and Tibbett do some snooping around at the horse stables and discover a secret lab. They immediately learn that Zorin's horse was implanted with a microchip that responds to a performance-enhancing drug that is fitted in a jockey's whip.
"I knew it! That horse was on horse steroids! He was juicing!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) But then some goons show and we get a small fight scene, in which we see Bond taking out the first goon easily because he's small and Tibbett has some difficulty taking the big guy out.
(Bond fights the big goon and punches him in the face, the big goon gets ready to hit Bond, but Bond stops the conveyor belt and moves out of the way as the big goon punches the crate, causing the other crates to fall on him)
"Oh, seriously?! That dude pretty much beats himself? Man, this fight scene is not memorable, it's stupid! Can we get a memorable fight scene please?" Sean asked.
(We cut to Max and May Day sparring in his workout room)
"Hmm, I guess that's Friday night sparring match at the Zorin residence." Sean said.
(Max and May Day fall to the floor as May Day tries to pin Max, but Max does a reversal and pins May Day to the floor. May Day struggles to break free and tries to bite Max)
"What the heck? Uh, I guess it's another hot Friday night at the Zorin residence." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, what makes this scene very cringy is seeing Walken's rape face right before he kisses May Day, that's an image that no man should ever see.
(A sound clip from Click plays)
Morty (Played by Christopher Walken): I'm about to rock your world.
Sean starts gagging a bit from the line being played over the scene. "I'm sorry, I almost threw up from hearing that line from the movie Click playing over the scene. What the hell?!"
Sean: (Narrating) But Fifty Shades of Walken is interrupted, thank God, as Max gets a phone call from Scarpine about intruders in the warehouse as him and May Day go to check on Bond, only to find that he's not in his room as May Day finally realizes who he is.
May Day: He was the man at the Eiffel Tower.
"Really? You don't say? Yeah, he witnessed you killing at his friend's dude and he was shooting at you at the tower and followed you along in a car that got ripped off in half. And yet you didn't recognize him, until now?! You know, for henchwoman, you sure are dumb as bricks." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) May Day enters her room, only to find Bond laying in bed waiting for her to take care of him, which leads to…
(May Day takes off her robe and makes her way over to the bed)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, no. God, no. Don't do this to me, movie.
James Bond: I see you're a woman of very few words.
(May Day gets into bed with Bond)
May Day: What's there to say?
"Please, for Christ's sake. Anything but seeing Roger Moore banging Grace Jones. I don't want that shit to scar me for life." Sean pleaded.
(As Bond gets ready to kiss May Day, she flips Bond over, with her on top of him)
Sean: (V/O as May Day) James Bond, do you find me sexy? I SAID DO YOU FIND ME SEXY?!
(Bond and May Day kiss while the Stevie Wonder song "Jungle Fever" plays)
"Oh, God! WHY?!" Sean yelled out. "Why did I see that shit happening and why did you have to play that Stevie Wonder song? If I want to see interracial sex, I'd rather watch interracial porn from ! Ladies and gentlemen, we've just witnessed Roger Moore's biggest stunt right here, and it's banging Grace Jones! God, if only you could make this real worse for me."
(A sound clip from the 1992 film Boomerang plays)
Strange (Played by Grace Jones): No man can turn down this pussy.
"No! No! NO! There was time a storm that blew so pure! For this could be the biggest sky and I could have the faintest idea! FOR THIS IS NOT AMERICA! SHA-LA-LA-LA-LA!" Sean yelled out as he covers his ears and sings the David Bowie song "This Is Not America" from the 1985 movie The Falcon and the Snowman.
Sean: (Narrating) After that disturbing little scene…
"Son of a bitch, a smutty Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy one-shot about Leo and Karone sounds good to write right about now so I won't think about that disturbing scene. Either that or a Kimberly and Kat lesbian one-shot sounds good to write. Where's the rum?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) ...the next day, Zorin finds out Bond's true identity by using his state of the art high-tech two-tone computer. And I just love his reaction after he finds out who he is.
Max Zorin: (While finding out Bond's true identity) Ah.
(A sound clip from the video game Ripper plays)
Det. Vince Magnotta (Played by Christopher Walken): This guy is un-fucking-believable!
Max Zorin: Would you be interested primarily in stamina? Or speed?
James Bond: Well, a little of both would be ideal.
(Zorin sees the words "Licensed to Kill" on the computer screen, then taps on the keyboard)
Max Zorin: I think I have just the horse for you. (Looks at his watch) It's time for my morning ride.
"If his morning ride involves May Day, then I do not want to know." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond joins Zorin for a horse ride while Tibbett goes out to get the car washed, only for him to get killed by May Day. As for Bond, Zorin plans to kill Bond in typical Bond villain fashion, going horseracing with him… filled with booby trap and other jockeys whipping at Bond until he has a little trick up his sleeve.
(Zorin activates Bond's horse to go berserk)
Sean: (V/O as horse) Whoa! Wilbur! What's going on? I can't stay on the track! Somebody help meeeeeeeeee!
(Bond jumps into the car)
James Bond: Sir Godfrey. Let's get…
(Bond sees that May Day is driving the limo while she points the gun at him, then he sees Tibbett's corpse in the backseat. May Day stops the car as Zorin and his men catch up to Bond and captures him)
Max Zorin: You lost, 007.
James Bond: Killing Tibbett was a mistake.
Max Zorin: I'm about to make the same mistake twice.
"Just take a look at my IMDB page, I will be in another movie just as bad as this one." Sean said, imitating Max Zorin.
Sean: (Narrating) Scarpine knocks out Bond and Zorin ends up shoving Bond in the very expensive Rolls-Royce pushes it into the lake to drown him.
"Couldn't you just shoot him or strangle him? Or better yet, could just let May Day fuck him to death by giving him a heart attack during sex? But no, you have to do it this way. You suck." Sean said.
(Bond wakes up and swims out of the car and sees that Zorin and May Day are standing out in the surface to make sure that he drowns. Then, Bond ends up breathing the air from the car tire)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, you can't be fucking serious, movie. How is that scientifically possible to breathe the air from a car tire? I get it's a clever idea, but come on. Later, we see that Zorin becomes a very more interesting villain as it is revealed that he was working for the KGB and he meets with General Gogol, played by Walter Gotell.
Max Zorin: This meeting is ill-advised.
General Gogol (Played by Walter Gotell): A calculated risk. But necessary, as you refuse to answer your control.
Max Zorin: Come to the point, General.
General Gogol: You disregard procedure. You did not request approval before eliminating 007. Reprisals might jeopardise operations.
Max Zorin: You jeopardise mine!
Sean starts chuckling a bit. "Okay, I just love the way Walken snaps back. It's like just out of nowhere.
Sean: (Narrating) And by the way, you might recognize that young KGB agent with blonde hair standing behind Gogol. If you don't recognize him, then maybe this little clip from a movie that I reviewed last year will jog your memory.
(A clip from Rocky IV plays)
Ivan Drago (Played by Dolph Lundgren): I must break you.
"Yeah, that's Dolph Lundgren before he played the hulking Russian from Rocky IV. He played a KGB agent in this one. Okay, is there any movie where Dolph Lundgren is not playing a Russian…" Sean said.
(The posters for the two Dolph Lundgren movies Red Scorpion and The Mechanik)
"Oh, Jesus. Where's Frank Stallone when you need him?" Sean asked.
General Gogol: Your racing activities attract unnecessary attention, but more disturbing are your unauthorized commercial ventures and we cannot tolerate that.
Max Zorin: The issue is irrelevant. I've made new associations. I no longer consider myself a KGB agent.
"Isn't that what Vladimir Putin said?" Sean asked.
Klotkoff (Played by Bogdan Kominowski): What would you be without us? A biological experiment.
(Zorin laughs)
Klotkoff: A physiological freak.
"Hey! That's not nice. He might be a freak, but he's got feelings. This was kind of like the time Dennis Hopper hurt his feelings when he told them that Sicilians were spawned by… uh, watch the Sicilian scene from True Romance and you'll see." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) May Day then shows off her super strength by gorilla pressing that guy while doing it while wearing high heels!
(A clip from The Fly is shown)
Veronica Quaife (Played by Geena Davis): Be afraid. Be very afraid.
General Gogol: Enough of this! Control yourselves!
(Zorin nods his head at May Day as she throws Klotkoff down. Venz runs over towards Klotkoff and looks at May Day as she gives him the evil stare)
"Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention a little fun fact: Dolph Lundgren was Grace Jones' bodyguard. And also he dated her back then." Sean said.
(Audience members scream)
"Yeah. Imagine the wild sex that they have. No, no, wait! Don't imagine that!" Sean yelled out.
(A picture of Dolph Lundgren and Grace Jones is shown while the song "Slave to the Rhythm" by Grace Jones starts playing)
"Karone moaned softly as Leo's lips trailed down from her stomach and to her..." Sean said as he looks at the camera after he finishes typing on his laptop. "Sorry, back to the review."
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Zorin opposes Gogol, which makes him a renegade. A psychotic madman who's trained by the KGB. It's a great villain concept. And you know his evil scheme becomes more interesting as well, because of him using his microchips for his horses is just a side plot. He has a meeting with some of his clients and he reveals his main evil scheme, which is dubbed "Project Mainstrike".
Max Zorin: We are now in the unique position to form an international cartel to control not only production but distribution of these microchips. There is one obstacle.
(Zorin throws the microchips on the table as it opens up to reveal a model of Silicon Valley)
Max Zorin: Silicon Valley. Near San Francisco. Over 250 plants employing thousands of scientists, technicians. This is the heartland of electronic production in the United States, which accounts for what - 80% of the world microchip market.
"And Silicon Valley is also the heartland of the many tech geeks and gurus. Trust me, I know. I've watched the HBO show Silicon Valley and I've played Watch Dogs 2." Sean said.
Max Zorin: I propose to end the domination of Silicon Valley and leave us in control of that market.
"Uh, quick question: how the hell are you going to do that?" Sean asked.
Max Zorin: Project Mainstrike. For which, each of you will pay me one hundred million dollars.
(His clients look shocked)
Client: A hundred million dollars?
Taiwanese Tycoon (Played by Anthony Chin): Plus half our net income?
Max Zorin: Under an exclusive marketing agreement with me.
Taiwanese Tycoon: These are outrageous terms!
"Who do you think you are Donald Trump? This is madness! That's my hard earned money right there, you nutsuck." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But one tycoon isn't having any of it and decides that he doesn't want any part of it. Which Zorin handles it pretty well as May Day escorts the guy for a drink and…
(The Taiwanese tycoon walks down the stairs as he stops to see the floor opening up. He turns to May Day as she presses a button, which causes the stairs to turn into a slide, causing the tycoon to fall to his death out of Zorin's blimp)
"Only for him to drop out." Sean said as a comedic rimshot plays.
Max Zorin: So, does anybody else want to drop out?
"Okay, I'm giving Walken a free pass on that one-line, that was pretty good." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Now, let's talk about Zorin's plan, his plan is to destroy Silicon Valley by causing an earthquake which will cause his own microchips to increase in value as so much microchips will end up being destroyed. It kinda like the exact same thing in Goldfinger as Auric Goldfinger's plan to wipe out the gold in Fort Knox to have his own gold increase in value. And Goldfinger's plan was called "Operation Grandslam" and in this one Zorin's plan is called "Project Mainstrike". Hell, even the scene is similar showcasing a model of the target area to a group of investors and having one of them disagree with the plan and get killed as a result.
"I hate it when a movie recycles stuff that has been done before." Sean said.
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown, featuring a scene from the season five episode "Homer's Barbershop Quartet")
George Harrison: It's been done.
Sean: (Narrating) So after dropping one of their investors out of the blimp, Zorin and May Day head to the cockpit to take time to admire the wonderful view of San Francisco.
(While hovering over San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge in their airship)
May Day: What a view!
Max Zorin: To a kill.
"Boom, title drop." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Bond arrives in San Francisco where he meets up with his CIA contact named Chuck Lee, played by David Yip, who I swear I think he's the same guy who played Wu Han from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
"Oh, wait. It is him. Hey, it's Wu Han, the guy who got shot by one of Lao Che's goons. And for my British readers and US readers who are fans of British television shows, David Yip played Detective Sergeant John Ho in the BBC series The Chinese Detective from 1981 to 1982." Sean said.
"You and your British shows. What's your fascination with them? I've seen you watch Fawlty Towers, Monty Python and Keeping Up Appearances." Taylor said.
"Let's not forget Doctor Who." Sean said.
"Didn't I see you watch Bridgerton on Netflix?" Taylor asked.
"Uh, no! I was watching The Babysitter's Club." Sean said.
"Oh, really? Then how come I saw that Bridgerton was added to your favorites?" Taylor asked, giving Sean a look.
"Let's move on!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Lee informs Bond that Zorin is in San Francisco and gives him some information like Conley running Zorin's oil reclamation project in the East Bay and Dr. Mortner, in which we learn that Dr. Mortner's real name is Hans Glaub, a German pioneer in the development of steroids, which ties in with the horse injections.
Chuck Lee (Played by David Yip): During World War II, he experimented with steroids on pregnant women in the concentration camps in an attempt to enhance intelligence.
James Bond: With any success?
Chuck Lee: Virtually every mother aborted while a handful of children were produced with phenomenal IQs. But there was a side effect: they were psychotics.
James Bond: Why wasn't this Mortner or Glaub tried by the War Crimes Commission?
Chuck Lee: The Russians grabbed him. Set him up in a laboratory. He spent several years developing steroids for their athletes, then dropped out of sight about 15 years ago.
James Bond: About the same time that Zorin came over to the West.
Chuck Lee: Could Zorin be one of the steroid kids?
"Dude, it's Christopher Walken. Of course he's psychotic. That mad Nazi scientist has done some shit to him. So, not only is Zorin a KGB renegade, he's also the result of a biological Nazi experiment."
Sean: (Narrating) By the way, notice the woman in the sunglasses in Fisherman's Wharf? That's a Maud Adams in a little cameo in this scene. Later at night, Bond checks out Zorin's pumping station which he will be using for Project Mainstrike. He sneaks around in scuba diving gear and he soon finds out that he's not the only one doing so. Turns out that the KGB is on to him as they send two of their best agents to spy on him and record his conversation on the cassette tape.
(While one of the KGB agents are recording Zorin)
Max Zorin: (On tape) Give me an update on valve procedure for the Mainstrike programme.
Bob Conley: (On tape) We'll have a field crew check it out in the morning.
"Ah, the 80s. A time when people record your conversations on cassette tape." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond swims into the intake pipe as Zorin tells Conley to increase the pumping power to maximum, in which the rotors start. But Bond manages to get out of there after throwing his oxygen tank into the intake pipe rotor to stop it. Meanwhile, the two KGB agents try to make a run for it as one of them place a mine underneath the dock to murder Zorin. But unfortunately, the KGB agent Klotkoff, played by Bogdan Komninowski, gets captured while the other KGB agent escapes. So, with Zorin being a former KGB agent, he decides to eliminate Klotkoff.
(The guards grab Klotkoff and they throw him into the intake pipe rotors, which cut him into pieces. The water is filled with blood as Klotkoff's head makes contact with the rotor)
"Oh, yikes! Rated PG, my ass! That was a pretty brutal death for a PG-rated Bond movie. Well, this is 80s PG and if that movie was released today it would've gotten a PG-13 rating." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that gruesome death for a PG movie, the other KGB agent escapes and makes it to shore with the cassette tape as Bond tries to attack the agent. And it just to so happens to be a female KGB agent that Bond has met on a previous mission and slept with named Pola Ivanova, played by Fiona Fullerton. They make their escape and head to the Nippon Relaxation Spa in Chinatown and he bangs her in the hot tub.
Pola Ivanova (Played by Fiona Fullerton): (While Bond is massaging her in the hot tub) That feels wonderful!
James Bond: Feels even better from where I'm sitting. Would you like it harder?
Pola Ivanova: James, you haven't changed.
"Oh, Christ! That's the third young chick that Bond has banged in the movie! We're halfway in this film and he hasn't even banged Midge from That 70s Show yet." Sean said. "I mean, I get it she's a Russian agent and she's hot. Damn, Frank Stallone was right. Russia has the hottest looking chicks. Aside from Russians doing stupid shit."
Sean: (Narrating) And boy, what a missed opportunity right here. You got a female KGB agent who worked with Bond on a previous mission. What other female KGB agent do we know? Hmm, I wonder who.
(A picture of Barbara Bach as Anya Amasova in The Spy Who Loved Me)
"Yeah, Anya Amasova a.k.a. Triple X. That would've been awesome to have Barbara Bach reprise her role here. Yeah, why not have an actual Bond girl return for once. It would be cool to have a familiar face to be after Zorin as well and see them try to outsmart each other again. But no, you just had to add a different one." Sean said.
(A clip from Ed, Edd n Eddy plays)
Edd (Voiced by Sam Vincent): I'm surrounded by idiots.
(Ivanova presses the button that starts the bubbles in the hot tub as she gasps and giggles while Bond switches to some music)
James Bond: Are you all right?
Pola Ivanova: The bubbles tickle my… Tchaikovsky!
"Wait, what?" Sean asked, looking confused.
Pola Ivanova: The bubbles tickle my… Tchaikovsky!
"Your Tchaikovsky? Is that what you call your…" Sean said before being interrupted.
(A clip from The Adventures of Batman & Robin is shown)
Mr. Freeze (Voiced by Michael Ansara): Silence!
"No, but I was about to say…" Sean said.
Mr. Freeze: I SAID SILENCE!
"Okay, okay, okay! I won't finish the sentence." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after Bond bang Ivanova, she then takes the cassette tape of Zorin and leaves while Bond is taking a shower. She meets up with General Gogol as they play the tape and they listen to traditional Japanese music.
(Gogol sticks the tape in the player as traditional Japanese music starts playing)
"Okay, that was pretty funny. Although, it would've been funnier if they just played this song." Sean said.
(The song "Dare to Be Stupid" by Weird Al Yankovich starts playing, replacing the traditional Japanese music)
(A clip from TruTV's World's Dumbest is shown)
Frank Stallone: These Russians are so (beeping) stupid.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond outsmarts Ivanova by switching the cassette tape of Zorin with the Japanese music tape as he write down some info on Project Mainstrike which is in three days. Then, the plot starts to get to the slow side as Bond heads down to City Hall and speaks with the director of Oil and Mines named W.G. Howe, played by Daniel Benzali. Bond does this under the guise of James Stock, a reporter from the London Financial Times.
James Bond: My readers want to know why Zorin is pumping sea water into his pipeline instead of pumping oil out.
W.G. Howe (Played by Daniel Benzali): Sea water is used to test the integrity of the pipeline. It's a lot safer than oil. Just in case there are any leaks.
James Bond: Well, I… I didn't know that.
"Yeah, just take a look at the BP oil disaster. It was a $30 billion blowout." Sean said, imitating Howe.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond then bumps into Stacey again. You know, the girl that Zorin try to give the $5 million check to. So we don't know what that's all about, so he follows along to her big ass mansion, which is empty and he starts creeping up on her in the shower.
(Bond enters the bathroom as Stacey steps out of the closest with a shotgun aimed directly at Bond)
Stacey Sutton: (Cocks gun) Come out real slow. Just another Zorin stooge, Mr… whatever your name was.
James Bond: Actually, it's James Stock. London Financial Times.
Stacey Sutton: You can, uh… You can tell the police which.
"Well, my dear. Could you not point the gun directly at my smoking gun because I kinda need it." Sean said, imitating Bond.
Sean: (Narrating) Stacey tries to call the police on Bond, but it turns out that the phone lines are cut, which means that Zorin sent some hired goons to her house to attack her. But Bond proves to her that he's one of the good guys as he manages to kill every single one of them.
(Bond shoots at one of the goons with the shotgun, which didn't phase the man as he's still alive)
James Bond: (Checks the gun) What's this loaded with?
Stacey Sutton: Rock salt.
James Bond: Now you tell me.
"And she loaded the gun with rock salt. What? She doesn't carry around actual shotgun shells in her home?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get a thrilling action scene, where we see Bond fighting Zorin's goons, where I can clearly see Roger Moore's stunt double. So after he beats up Zorin's goons, Stacey is convinced that Bond is a good guy and she offers to tell him everything that he should know about Zorin over dinner. Turns out that Stacey is a geologist when Zorin took over Sutton Oil in a rigged proxy fight and that he took everything from her and you know that $5 million check, Zorin tried to bribe her with it because of him winning the lawsuit.
Stacey Sutton: I haven't accepted yet.
James Bond: So Zorin sent along his gorillas to help you make up your mind.
Stacey Sutton: They have.
(Stacey rips up the check)
Stacey Sutton: I'd sell everything and live in a tent before I give up.
"Yeah, that or marry Bob Pinciotti." Sean said, referencing Tanya Roberts' character Midge from That 70s Show.
(Bond pours himself and Stacey a glass of wine)
Stacey Sutton: (Drinks wine) That was delicious. And the way you handled those men.
James Bond: Well, those… baboons could come back.
Stacey Sutton: I hope not.
James Bond: Well, then, I'll… (clears throat) check the windows and doors, and… Oh! Reconnect the telephone.
"And while I'm at it, I need to take my Viagra pill. Because I get a feeling that I will be doing you tonight." Sean said, imitating Bond.
Sean: (Narrating) Don't worry, guys. He doesn't sleep with her… yet. He just tucks her in and just watches guard. The next morning, Bond wakes up to a slight tremor, and him and Stacey learn that it is coming from Zorin's oil field. So, Stacey goes to warn Howe about what he's doing and…
James Bond: What happened?
Stacey Sutton: I got fired. He fire… He fired me.
"Only for her to get fired because he didn't believe a word that he said." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But later on, they talk with Bond's CIA contact Chuck Lee about what Zorin is planning on doing and they head down to City Hall to investigate. Oh, yeah Chuck Lee ends up getting killed by May Day.
"Yeah, aren't you glad that they didn't use Felix Leiter in the movie? Imagine if they did. Then he won't be in two more Bond movies." Sean said, referring to Felix Leiter appearing in The Living Daylights and License to Kill.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond and Stacey head into City Hall to have a look a documents and folder inside the file room.
James Bond: (Sees the map for Mainstrike) Mainstrike.
Stacey Sutton: Hey, I know that place. That's an abandoned silver mine by the San Andreas fault.
(The song "Weapon of Choice" by Fatboy Slim starts playing as Zorin and May Day enter the file room)
Max Zorin: Alive and well, I see. And still bungling in the dark.
James Bond: Well, then, why don't you enlighten me, Zorin?
Max Zorin: You're out of your depth. And you, Ms. Sutton. You should have accepted my more than generous offer.
Stacey Sutton: You can take your offer and shove it…
James Bond: Don't bother, Stacey.
"I mean, he's already had a watch and an alien probe shoved up his ass." Sean said, referring to the Christopher Walken movies Pulp Fiction and Communion.
Sean: (Narrating) Then, we see that Zorin displays some of his psychotic villainous nature as he frames Bond and Stacey by staging a crime.
W.G. Howe: What have they done?
Max Zorin: You discharged her. So she and her accomplice came here to kill you. Then they set fire to the office to conceal the crime, but they were trapped in the elevator. (Takes Bond's gun from out of May Day's hand) And perished in the flames.
(The song "Weapon of Choice" continues to play in the background)
W.G. Howe: But that means I would have to be…
Max Zorin: Dead.
(Zorin shoots Howe with Bond's gun, killing him)
(A clip from True Romance is shown)
Vincent Coccotti (Played by Christopher Walken): I haven't killed anybody since 1984. (Guns down Clifford)
James Bond: Brilliant. I'm almost speechless with admiration.
Max Zorin: Intuitive improvisation is the secret of genius.
Sean: (Narrating) Zorin traps Bond and Stacey in an elevator while he sets the whole place on fire and the two of them climb out of the elevator so that Bond could find a way out for him and Stacey while Stacey…
Stacey Sutton: (Screams) James, don't leave me! James! (Coughs) Help me!
"While Stacey becomes the annoying damsel in distress." Sean said.
Stacey Sutton: James! Help me! Help me! James!/Help! Help!
"Oh, God. I don't know who's much worse. Either her or Vicki Vale from Batman or Willie Scott from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Bond saves Stacey's whiny ass and we get this cool little moment when he rescues her and the crowd are standing there cheering and gasping along with John Barry's amazing music score playing as Bond comes down the ladder heroically with Stacey on his back. I just love moments like these. But the world's dumbest police officer, played by Joe Flood, asks Bond some questions and tries to arrest him for murder.
U.S. Police Captain (Played by Joe Flood): You're under arrest.
Stacey Sutton: Wait a minute. This is James Stock of the London Financial Times.
James Bond: Well actually, Captain. I'm with the British Secret Service. The name is Bond. James Bond.
U.S. Police Captain: Is he?
Stacey Sutton: Are you?
James Bond: Yes.
U.S. Police Captain: And I'm Dick Tracy and you're still under arrest.
"Right, buddy. If you're Dick Tracy and I'm Barack Obama." Sean said.
"Did no one tell him a British Intelligence officer was in the area?" Brian asked.
"Like I said, the world's dumbest police officer." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Bond sprays the cop with a fire hose and we get a tacky chase scene as the San Francisco cops are now after Bond and Stacey because Zorin claimed they were criminals. And we see that Bond and Stacey are driving a fire truck with the cops after them.
"Okay, that just feels like a clip from World's Dumbest." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We cut to the title screen for "TruTV's World's Dumbest" before cutting to footage of the chase scene from the movie)
Chip Bolcik: (Narrating) Our next clip begins in San Francisco, California, as we see that the San Francisco police are after two criminals who are suspected as criminals. One of them is a woman, and the other is a man who claims to be working for the British Secret Service.
Danny Bonaduce: The British Secret Service? Really? And I work as a porn star in my spare time.
Chip Bolcik: (Narrating) The cops chase after the duo, who were seen driving in the perfect getaway car… a fire truck.
Judy Gold: Who the(beep) steals a fire truck? There was a fire in City Hall and then all of a sudden they end up stealing one.
Chuck Nice: I've heard of stealing cars to get away from the cops, but a fire truck.
(Stacey turns the siren on as her and Bond smile at each other. Bond drives past a couple of cars until a taxi cab crashes into a police cruiser. The police captain drives after them, despite being hit)
James Bond: Here, put your hand on this.
(Record scratches)
Leif Garrett: I'm sorry, put your hand on what?
James Bond: The wheel! The wheel! Take over.
Leif Garrett: Oh, the wheel. I thought he meant for her to give him a handy in the fire truck.
Mike Trainor: Oh, no!
(James climbs out of the fire truck and climbs onto the ladder)
U.S. Police Captain: To all units. Intercept murder suspect in stolen fire truck. He may be armed and he's sure dangerous.
(Another police car crashes into the police captain's car, which causes their fenders to get locked into each other)
U.S. Police Captain: Pull away, you idiots.
Police Officer: I can't. The fenders are locked.
Frank Stallone: Oh, God. Only in the good 'ol USA where we see the police acting like a bunch of (beep) morons.
Chip Bolcik: (Narrating) The man makes a daring move as he is on the ladder. But what he doesn't know is that the ladder is unlocked, resulting in…
(The police car hits the fire truck, causing the ladder to swing around, with Bond hanging on)
(Stacey turns around and sees Bond hanging onto the ladder)
Stacey Sutton: Jeez!
James Bond: Turn!
Kevin McCaffrey: Yeah, don't mind me. I'm just hanging around while you're trying to get me killed out here. Thanks a lot, you heartless bitch.
(Stacey turns around the corner as Bond climbs up the ladder and the ladder crashes into the top of a pickup truck, revealing a couple who was sleeping in the back as they see what was going on)
John Enos: If me and my girl were doing something like this in the back of a pickup truck and we see a police chase going on, we better continue.
Chip Bolcik: (Narrating) The chase ends with the man and the woman escaping the police after jumping over a raised bridge. As for the cops…
(The police cruisers go down the raised bridge, causing them to crash into one another)
Chip Bolcik: (Narrating) Yeah, maybe some more training at the police academy and paying off the damages will do just fine for them. Alright, Sean. There goes your World's Dumbest parody. Now, where's my paycheck?
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) After that chase scene, Bond and Stacey arrive at Zorin's Mainstrike Silver Mine and they disguise themselves as a couple of miners. Yeah, luckily there just happens to be a conveniently placed sexy tailored female version of the outfit for Stacey to wear. They make their way into mine and they soon find out about Zorin's big plan.
Stacey Sutton: These green lights - they're Zorin's oil wells. The ones he's been using to pump sea water into the Hayward fault.
James Bond: What are these tunnels for under these lakes?
Stacey Sutton: These lead straight into this section of the San Andreas fault. You know, Zorin just has to blast through the bottom of these lakes to flood the fault.
James Bond: And create a… double earthquake?
Stacey Sutton: Yes. Except… Except right beneath us is the key geological lock that keeps the faults from moving at once.
"So, Zorin's plan is to blow up the San Andreas fault with a shitload of explosives and flooding Silicon Valley. Uh, Carl and Big Smoke from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas won't be happy about what you're doing, Mr. Zorin." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But before they could go try and warn people, they are soon discovered by Zorin and he sends May Day after them and as a precaution to make sure that his operation succeeds, he closes down the mine and we see more of Zorin's psychotic nature.
Bob Conley: (As Zorin gets ready to set off the explosives to flood the fault) But… May Day. And my men.
Max Zorin: Yeah. A convenient coincidence.
Bob Conley: Mr. Zorin, those men are loyal to you.
(Scarpine knocks out Conley and pushes him as Zorin sets off the explosives, causing it to flood the fault)
"And remember when I said that Christopher Walken brings his performance in this movie to like a 95%? Well, he amps it up to 100% in this scene." Sean said.
(Zorin and Scarpine start gunning down the mine workers with an Uzi. We then see Zorin laughing)
"Man, what a dark and memorable highlight in the film. He's having the time of his life mowing down his own workers with an Uzi. It's unsettling and different for a villain. Man, kinda makes you want to think, doesn't it? I mean, imagine if Max Zorin and Xenia Onatopp got together and had a kid." Sean said as he starts looking away at a photo of Famke Jannsen as Xenia Onatopp and looking away to the other side at a photo of Christopher Walken as Max Zorin, but then stops himself. "Nope! Nope. Not gonna think about it."
Sean then looks away to imagine again. "No! I'm just going to erase it from my memor…"
(A picture of a baby with Christopher Walken's face is shown as Sean recoils in disgust)
"Ugh! Ugh! Why did you morons make me think about it?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) While Zorin is committing the mass murder of his workers, May Day is still chasing down Bond and Stacey, with Stacey being more annoying as hell. She manages to make her escape, but Bond and May Day end up getting trapped in the water.
May Day: And I thought that creep loved me!
James Bond: (Sees one of the dead workers) You're not the only one he double-crossed.
(May Day sees Jenny's body)
May Day: (Gasps) Jenny!
James Bond: Come on. There's nothing you can do for them now.
Sean: (V/O) Alas, poor Jenny. We hardly knew ye. (Narrating) So, since she now knows that Zorin has left her for dead, May Day switches to the good side and she aids Bond to make sure that they thwart by removing the bigger bomb that would destroy the lock and May Day sacrifices her life.
(May Day rides the bomb out of the mine on the railway cart)
May Day: Get Zorin for me!
James Bond: May Day, jump!
Max Zorin: Only seconds to go.
James Bond: May Day, jump!
(Zorin sees May Day riding on the railway cart with the bomb)
Max Zorin: May Day.
(The bomb explodes, killing May Day in the process)
"I guess you could say that she definitely went out…" Sean said as he puts on his sunglasses while imitating Horatio Caine from CSI: Miami. "...with a bang."
(The CSI: Miami intro plays and the "YEEEEAAAAHHHH!" part of The Who song "Won't Fooled Again" starts playing)
(TV static transitions to: Up All Knight with Chad Knight)
"Really? We're still doing that joke? That joke is so old that it needs to die. Enough of it! And when are we doing the review for Hard Ticket to Hawaii? I'm so going to kick you and Lucas' asses for making me review that movie." Chad said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that great exit of a memorable and yet freaky femme fatale, Zorin is pissed off that his plan had been thwarted by Bond and that Silicon Valley is safe. So, Zorin kidnaps Stacey. Really? Why kidnap Stacey? She's been reduced to being a blonde bimbo in distress. Hell, that idiot doesn't even realize that there was a fucking blimp coming right at her. Bond should thank Zorin for taking her off of his hands. Hell, May Day is the real hero here for sacrificing her life and getting that bomb out and Zorin got rid of that annoying as hell Stacey. Bond should just go home and relax while drinking a martini. But no, this is the climax and it's going to be epic as hell. So, Bond goes after Zorin and the thrilling climax takes place on the Golden Gate Bridge as we see Bond hanging on a rope underneath the blimp and attaches it to the bridge.
(Bond ties the blimp's mooring rope on the bridge, stopping the blimp)
Max Zorin: More! More power.
Sean: (V/O as Zorin) And while we're at it, I need more cowbell. I gotta have more cowbell!
"Sorry, I couldn't resist." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Then we get an exciting fight scene accompanied by John Barry's amazing score as we see Bond and Zorin duke it out on the Golden Gate Bridge while Stacey is hanging on to dear life and get one of my favorite highlights of the film.
Dr. Carl Mortner: Max! Max!
(Zorin laughs before falling to his death in the San Francisco Bay)
"Max? Hey, Max. If you're still alive, swim to shore and wave. Max?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker plays)
Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): Oh, right. Dead. (Smiles)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, you just gotta love that laugh that he makes just before he dies, giving us his complete lunacy one last time. What a great end to a fantastic villain. As Bond save Stacey, the crazy Nazi doctor tries to kill him by shooting at him and to top it all off, tries to pull off some Looney Tunes shit by grabbing some dynamite.
Stacey Sutton: James, look out!
(Bond sees Mortner getting ready to throw the ignited dynamite. He grabs the axe to cut the mooring rope, causing the blimp to fly away and Mortner to fall back along with the dynamite)
James Bond: Stacey, hold tight!
(Mortner and Scarpine fight over the dynamite as they try to throw it out, but the dynamite explodes along with the blimp, killing them both)
James Bond: There's never a cab when you want one.
(The Looney Tunes theme plays before cutting to Bond making a funny look while driving the fire truck, then the words "That's All Folks!" appears on screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Therefore, happy ending! Max Zorin is dead and Bond is awarded the Order of Lenin by General Gogol, but sadly, Bond is presumed dead by MI6 as he hasn't reported in yet. And apparently Q is out in the field testing his espionage robot and sneaks into Stacey's bathroom, only to find Bond and Stacey getting it on.
James Bond: Oh, drat! I've dropped the soap.
Stacey Sutton: I'll get it. Whoo!
James Bond: That is not the soap.
(Q finds Bond and Stacey in the shower. The phone rings and Q answers it)
Q: Hello?
M: (On the phone) Grandfather calling Q. What's the position?
(Bond sees the espionage robot)
Q: 007 alive.
M: Where is he? What's he doing?
Q: Just cleaning up a few details.
(Bond throws the towel at Q's espionage robot, covering it up)
"Man, and I thought Bond was the dirty old man. Q was busy spying on them." Sean said.
Stacey Sutton: Oh, James…
(Bond and Stacey kiss in the shower and Bond chuckles. We then cut to the end credits and the song "A View to a Kill" plays)
"And that was A View to a Kill and oh boy. This is a mixed bag for me." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown again)
Sean: (Narrating) It feels like a tired-out Bond movie. A lot of it feels like "been there, done that". Most of the action is very tacky and the movie seems weird. I like Roger Moore in this movie. He gave a great performance in this movie, despite him sleeping with some women younger at him. It was a bit cringy. Stacey Sutton is just annoying, she ends up becoming a dumbass in distress in the end. But what can I say about Christopher Walken? He's the best part about this movie. That's the only reason why I keep coming back to watch this movie. Well, him and Duran Duran. The plot is okay and the climax is satisfying. It's a shame that Roger Moore's final Bond film was one of the weaker ones. If you come across this movie, give it a watch or bring some alcohol and watch it with your friends. A View to a Kill comes in at three microchips out of five.
"And that is all for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and have a safe and a happy new year." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I'm happiest in the saddle.
Dedicated to the memory of
TANYA ROBERTS
October 15, 1955-January 4, 2021
MICHAEL APTED
February 10, 1941-January 7, 2021
and
REMY JULIENNE
April 17, 1930-January 21, 2021
And that is all for this great and hilarious review of The Mayhem Critic. Sorry for the long wait for this one, I've been busy with work and everything. I hope that you all enjoyed reading this and that the wait was finally worth it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, let's out his frustration on a certain thriller-comedy from 1989 called The January Man and see why a movie with an insane amount of talent goes wrong. After this review, I will be taking a little break from working on The Mayhem Critic. Going on a little hiatus till March so that way I can work on other stories. My first new story will be for The Babysitter's Club, the 2020 Netflix show. It's called Stacey and the Recurring Dream and it'll be an M-rated Stacey/Sam one-shot. Then, in March, I got another silly celebration. Since March Madness is coming in two months, so I'd figure I do something called Animation March Madness. Throughout the month of March, Sean will be taking a look at a couple of animated movies. Here's the list of animated movies to review:
Starchaser: The Legend of Orin
Mortal Kombat Legends: Scorpion's Revenge
The Simpsons Movie
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Like the list for Animation March Madness? And are you excited about me ripping apart The January Man? Add this story to your favorites, follow it for future updates and feel free to leave a comment. If you have any Stacey/Sam ideas for the BSC category, let me know. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.