The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean reviewed the 1981 action-adventure movie Raiders of the Lost Ark for it's 40th anniversary. Today, Sean will be taking a look at some more commercials with his good buddy Lucas in Commercials VI: Return of the Commercials. So sit back, relax and enjoy a cold one and let's look at some more commercials. Enjoy.
Episode 119
Commercials VI: Return of the Commercials
The episode opens with a shot of a 4k HDTV as we see television static on-screen for a bit before transitioning to Sean's living room, as we see our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic sitting on his couch while wearing his Cap 'n Crunch t-shirt, jean shorts and a pair of blue and white Adidas sneakers while holding the remote control in his hand.
"You all know who I am." Sean said.
(The words "The Mayhem Critic" appear on the screen)
"And you know who's joining me." Sean said as Lucas appears right next to him.
(We see Lucas' name appear on screen)
"That's me." Lucas said.
"You all know what we're going to talk about." Sean said, cutting to the chase.
(The word "Commercials" appear on screen as well)
"Commercials, bitches!" Lucas exclaimed.
"We're calling this one "Return of the Commercials". Roll it!" Sean exclaimed.
(We see different bumpers featuring What-a-Mess the dog from ABC Saturday Morning bumper from 1994, Dynamo Duck from a Fox Kids Network bumper from 1992, a Kids WB bumper from 1997, Felix the Cat from a CBS Saturday Morning bumper and an NBC Saturday Morning bumper from 1988)
(TV Static transitions to: Minute Maid Orange Tangerine commercial featuring Robert Loggia from 1999)
(The commercial opens with a boy named Billy, sitting at the table with his father while his mother walks over to the table while holding a carton of Minute Maid Orange Tangerine juice with calcium)
Mother: Try some new Minute Maid Orange Tangerine. It's got calcium.
Billy: And I'm not interested.
"Oh, come on. It's got calcium in it. It's good for you." Sean said.
Father: Oh, no. Its sweet, you'll like it.
Billy: I don't believe you.
"Oh, really? Would you believe that I would give you an ass beating if you don't drink your orange tangerine juice? Your mother paid good money for it." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, does anyone remember drinking Minute Maid's orange tangerine juice? In this commercial, this kid won't drink his orange tangerine juice with calcium in it. The only way for me to drink my juice is for my mom to threaten me by saying that she'll punch me in the throat if I don't drink my juice. They tell him that the juice is sweet and the kid won't believe them.
Father: Well then who would you believe?
Billy: I don't know…
"What, kid? Who would you believe, Jennette McCurdy?" Sean asked.
"Vince McMahon?" Lucas asked.
"Trevor Phillips?" Sean asked.
Billy: I don't know. Robert Loggia?
(Robert Loggia enters as the mother sees him and smiles)
Billy: Whoa, Robert Loggia!
We cut back to Sean and Lucas as we see Sean chuckling a bit from seeing the boy's reaction after he sees Robert Loggia.
"Okay, I just love that boy's reaction to seeing Robert Loggia. You know, that's a clip that I would play when I review a movie that features Robert fucking Loggia. Wait, I think I did that when I reviewed Oliver & Company last year. Okay, how about I make this the running gag for my show every time I see Robert Loggia in a movie." Sean said.
Robert Loggia: Billy, your mother's right. New Minute Maid orange tangerine tastes great. It's got as much calcium as milk.
Billy: If you say so, Mr. Loggia.
Robert Loggia: Yeah.
"Okay, is it just me or the way he said "yeah" sounds like he's saying it in a threatening tone?" Lucas asked.
Robert Loggia: Yeah.
"Yeah. Now drink your goddamn orange juice before I break your arm." Sean said, imitating Robert Loggia.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, is it just me or do I get the feeling that Robert Loggia is banging the kid's mother? I mean, right when he walked into the house, she immediately smiles at him while the dad looks bewildered.
(We cut to the part where the woman smiles at Robert Loggia while sexy porno music plays in the background)
"I guess she's into old, tough guys." Lucas said.
(Billy drinks his glass of orange tangerine juice)
Billy: This is great!
Robert Loggia: Enjoy your breakfast. (Sits the carton of juice down on the table and winks at Billy)
Lucas: (Narrating) What can we say, if you don't believe that orange tangerine juice with calcium is good for you, then maybe Feech LaMana from The Sopranos will change your mind about it.
Announcer: New Minute Maid Orange Tangerine with calcium.
Robert Loggia: (V/O) Yeah.
(TV Static transitions to: Head of the Class ABC promo from 1986)
(The commercial opens in a POV perspective where the camera is showing Charlie Moore sitting behind his desk while he's talking to his student.)
Charlie Moore (played by Howard Hesseman): Now you're gonna be in my class this fall, so tell me a little about yourself.
Arvid Engen (played by Dan Frischman): I want to teach the world to sing.
Darlene Merriman (played by Robin Givens): My primary interest is…
"Being Mike Tyson's punching bag." Sean smirked.
Eric Mardian (played by Brian Robbins): Lunch.
Sarah Nevins (played by Kimberly Russell): To end racism, to end world hunger, to end illiteracy…
Dennis Blunden (played by Dan Schnieider): Heh, I'm not into sports.
"I'm actually into foot fetishes instead." Lucas said, imitating Dennis.
Simone Foster (played by Khrystyne Haje): Well, reading, that's not really a sport.
Janice Lazarotto (played by Tannis Vallely): Taxidermy.
Alan Pinkard (played by Tony O'Dell): I really don't have a lot of time for this.
"Plus, my friend's Johnny Lawrence, so I suggest you move on to someone else if you don't wanna end up like Daniel." Sean replied, imitating Alan while referring to the character from The Karate Kid.
Jawaharlal Choudhury (played by Jory Husain): To be accepted as an indian dude by these American audiences.
"And no doubt you did a fine job doing so, Jawawawawaral." Lucas smirked to the camera.
"I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Jawawoowoowoo." Sean replied, trying to correct Lucas.
Lucas shook his head, "No no no, you got it all wrong, it's pronounced Jawawahawooha. Geez, why does this kid's name sound like a tongue twister?!"
Sean (Narrating): Yep, what you're seeing right here is the official promo for one of ABC's hit sitcoms of the 80's, Head of the Class. I probably don't need much to explain since I've already talked about this show when I was busy talking about Dan Schneider and his show iCarly. In this promo, Dr. Johnny Fever, or Charlie as he's called in the show, is interviewing every student enrolled in this class one-by-one.
Lucas (Narrating): I'll tell you this class right here just screams 80's. This was pretty much Saved By The Bell before Saved By The Bell existed a few years later.
"What's more amazing about this is that this show is now officially on HBO Max," Lucas smirked with a smile, "Which means all five seasons are available to binge-watch for the school-obsessed brainiac in all of us."
"Even more amazing is the fact that the show's being brought back for a reboot that will come in the near future." Sean replied, smirking with excitement, "In fact, I think I can imagine what their promo's gonna be like…"
(A cutaway gag plays, showing Lucas dressed up as Charlie Moore himself while the Head of the Class theme song is playing in the background.)
Lucas (as Charlie Moore): Now you're gonna be back into my class this fall, so tell me a little about yourself.
Oliver (as Ferdinand Von Aegir from Fire Emblem: Three Houses): I am Ferdinand Von Aegir!
Brian (as Ex-President Donald Trump): I cheated on Melania while I was impeached.
Taylor (as Harley Quinn): I'm a lesbian. Does that make me gay?
Sean (as Scorpion from Mortal Kombat): I'm out for revenge!
Oliver (as Screech from Saved By The Bell): I'm pretty sure I'm in the wrong show.
Brian (as Hulk Hogan): I train, say my prayers and eat my vitamins brother!
Taylor (as Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic): I bake cupcakes out of my friends!
Sean (as Big Smoke from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas): I once ate two number 9's, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45's, one with cheese and a large soda. *looks down* By the way, you gonna have that donut?
(The cutaway gag ends.)
"I'll tell ya, that would be some kind of reboot." Sean smirked out, "If they actually pulled that off, that would be worth watching."
Lucas nodded before saying to Sean in disappointment, "Yeah, Howard Hesseman's not in the reboot."
"DAMN!" Sean groaned.
Narrator: Howard Hesseman is Head of the Class. Premiering this Fall.
Jawaharlal Choudhury: Hey guys, let's do lunch!
(TV Static transitions to: Ratchet & Clank "Decoy" commercial from 2002)
(The commercial begins with a kid looking to the camera and waving while the dad is busy starting up a lawnmower with an inflatable dummy riding on the driver's seat.)
Cameraman: That is Corey, he's helping us with our inflatable decoy test for Ratchet & Clank.
"Ah, interesting." Lucas nodded, "I wonder how this test works?"
Sean raised an eyebrow himself saying, "Well, here's hoping his mom doesn't find out."
(The father then starts up the lawnmower and puts it in drive, forcing the lawnmower and the dummy to drift on the street while Corey and his dad hide behind the house alongside a group of friends.)
Mother: *screaming* Corey! Oh my-
(The mother attempts to go after the van herself, only for a blue van to drive by and run both the lawnmower and the decoy down viciously. The cameraman then turn to Corey, dad and his friends who run away from the scene.)
Cameraman: *chuckling* Oh, man!
Sean and Lucas see this with their jaws dropped in a shocked, speechless tone.
They remained like that for a good five seconds before Sean chuckled out, "Well, that's one way to freak her the fuck out!"
"No shit," Lucas nodded, "She probably thinks her kid's fucking roadkill!"
(Gameplay of the Ratchet & Clank video game start playing out.)
Narrator: The inflatable decoy. One of 36 weapons and gadgets not fit for this world.
"You're telling me, those are weapons of mass destruction we're seeing here." Sean nodded, "Those things can be enough to take North Korea out!"
Sean (Narrating): If you're thinking this looks either like a stunt from Jackass or an audition for America's Funniest Home Videos, you're dead wrong. It's one of many Playstation 2 commercials promoting the first Ratchet & Clank video game. Of course, it's very suitable since the new game Ratchet & Clank Rift Apart just came out for the PS5 not too long ago.
Lucas (Narrating): Although I'm not gonna lie, that decoy looks pretty fucking sweet to have.
"I totally agree," Sean nodded before replying, "I wonder what would happen if I had one of my very own?"
(A cutaway gag plays showing Taylor entering through the door with a bag of groceries in hand.)
Taylor: Okay, Sean, I'm home! I brought us ingredients enough for plant-based beef, low-sodium rigatoni and some of my cheesecake!
(Taylor then approaches a inflatable decoy who looks exactly like Sean.)
Taylor: So baby, I hope you'll enjoy the romantic dinner I planned for you.)
(Taylor then leaves off-screen to her bedroom, forcing the real Sean, Lucas and Brian to appear right behind the couch.)
Sean: *to Lucas and Brian* Is she gone?
Lucas: *to Sean* Yeah, I think so.
Brian: *to Sean* Totally gone.
Sean: Good. Strip club, here we come.
(Both Sean, Lucas and Brian tiptoe out of the house without Taylor even noticing at once forcing the cutaway gag to end.)
Sean then smirks deviously and evilly at the camera, forcing Lucas to look at him and smirk back.
"You're thinking of getting one are you?" Lucas said, replying to Sean.
"Oh, hell yeah." Sean nodded.
(The commercial then transitions to another commercial where a guy named Pete is busy holding up a bazooka that his friends are setting up for him. Meanwhile, the camera looks to another one of his friends who are busy setting up a target.)
Lucas (Narrating): Okay, now here's another commercial promoting a thing called the "Devastator". I assume that's the name of a bazooka that this Pete guy is holding.
"Believe it or not, "Devastator" is also the name of my johnson." Lucas smirked to the camera, "It's so big it can satisfy Nicolette Shea herself."
Cameraman: Okay, Pete here is gonna try to hit-hold on-that target with the Devastator, the rocket launcher designed for Ratchet & Clank.
"Uh, dude. Are you sure that you should be firing that thing at that little target?" Sean asked. "I mean, what if you end up missing? You don't know how much damage you will cause with that thing."
(Pete fires the Devastator. As he fires, the rocket misses the target and ends up hitting a tree causing it to explode, sending a chain reaction which blows up a boat)
Cameraman: Oh, man!
(Pete laughs as one of their friends make a run for it while they look at the damage they caused)
Cameraman: Oh!
"Jesus Christ! Dude, just be glad that it wasn't a R.Y.N.O.! Imagine how much damage you would've caused with that weapon. It wouldn't be pretty." Sean said.
"I wouldn't be surprised if that moron gets all six stars on the Wanted level." Lucas smirked while shaking his head, "Talk about real life Grand Theft Auto.)
(The commercial then transitions to another commercial where a guy named Jerry is standing on a grassy field while his friends are standing next to a small laser machine that they are setting up.)
Sean (Narrating): And here's another commercial promoting the Morpher Ray. Oh, now this gonna be something else.
"And if you're suggesting he's gonna turn into a Power Ranger," Sean said before sighing disappointly, "Well, you got another thing coming."
Cameraman: That is the Morpher Ray, and that of course, is Jerry. The Morpher Ray is used in Ratchet & Clank to turn your enemies into chickens.
Jerry: Wait, before you do that, just explain to me how it's gonna wo-
(The guys turn the Morpher Ray on, turning Jerry into a chicken.)
Cameraman: *chuckling* It worked! Jerry's a chicken!
"I say, I say now, he done turned him into a chicken, boy!" Sean smirked, imitating Foghorn Leghorn.
"Yeah, I wonder if he's gonna shit out actual eggs." Lucas smirked as well.
(Jerry's friends continue to chase the chicken around, trying to grab him while Jerry is running away in circles.)
Cameraman: *chuckling* Are you sure we can turn him back? Hahaha!
"Fuck no, you can't turn him back!" Lucas chuckled to the camera, "That dude's gonna be fried chicken in a matter of moments. Speaking of which I'm hungry." Lucas then turned over to Sean, "Hey Sean, you got anything to eat?"
Sean nodded as he then said, "Luckily for you, I got us a 10-piece bucket of KFC, fully fried for us to enjoy!"
After Sean brought out the bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken on the coffee table, both him and Lucas began to dig into the bucket and started chomping on the delicious fried chicken legs.
"Dang, KFC really did themselves with the chicken." Lucas said with his mouth full.
"Yep, that's some delicious fried Oliver we're having." Sean said, smirking to his friend.
Lucas nodded before saying to Sean, "This sure could use some hot sauce though. Can't dine on one of our friends without it."
Narrator: Rated T for Teen.
LIVE IN YOUR WORLD. PLAY IN OURS. PLAYSTATION 2
Sean (V.O. as Narrator): Also, don't eat your friends morphed as chickens.
(TV Static transitions to: Meister Brau Beer commercial featuring George Wendt)
(The commercial opens with a dinner party as we see a bunch of party guests sitting at a table, one of the party guests in attendance happens to be George Wendt)
Female Party Guest: We're so glad you could make our little dinner party, Mr. Wendt.
George Wendt: Wouldn't miss it in the world.
"NORM!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) This commercial advertise a beer called Meister Brau beer back in the 80s. I've never heard of the beer and when I checked out the commercials for the beer, they're pretty enjoyable to watch. And when the commercials aired, guess who they picked to be the spokesman for the beer.
(A clip from Cheers is shown)
Norm Peterson (Played by George Wendt): Afternoon, everybody!
Everyone: NORM!
Lucas: (Narrating) That's right, folks. Norm Peterson himself, George Wendt. And what better way to have George Wendt on your commercial is by having him drinking beer. In these commercials, you have George Wendt at either a fancy wedding, a dinner party, bird watching or even at a jockey horse race.
Woman: It's a beautiful wedding. I think I'm going to cry.
George Wendt: (To the camera) She's gonna cry? I had tickets to the game today.
Delivery Boy: Here's your beer, Mr. Wendt.
(Hands George a can of Meister Brau beer)
"By George. What kind of beer are you drinking?" Sean asked, in a snooty accent. "Is that some kind of beer?"
Sean: (Narrating) And after he gets his beer, he starts talking about the simple things that he likes because he's a simple guy.
George Wendt: (To the camera) What can I say? I'm a simple guy. I like double overtimes, smoky poker games and Meister Brau./I like girl watching and pickup trucks and Meister Brau./I like old sweaters and beef jerky and Meister Brau./I like boxer shorts and cold pizza and Meister Brau.
"Is there anything that George Wendt likes?" Lucas asked.
"He sure loves his beer." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) If Meister Brau was still made today, I wonder what the commercials would be like.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean at a fancy wine tasting with a bunch of snooty rich people)
Brian: (as Snooty Rich Man) We're just glad that you could make it to the wine tasting, Mr. Archer.
Sean: Hey, I've been looking forward to this. (Turns to the camera) Really? I had tickets to the Reds game for today and now I'm stuck here at this boring wine tasting.
Taylor: (as Snooty Rich Woman) Care to try the Cabernet Sauvignon? It goes great with the camembert cheese.
Sean: No thanks, I'd rather drink a Meister Brau.
(A waiter arrives with a can of Meister Brau beer and hands it to Sean)
Sean: Thank you. (To the camera) What can I say? I'm a simple guy. I like bacon cheeseburgers and writing smutty iCarly fanfiction about Carly and Sam and I like watching Brazzers porn and I like Meister Brau. Nothing's richer or smoother. Guys like me don't need anything else.
Oliver: (as Snooty Rich Man) Dear God, what is that man doing?
(The camera pans over to Lucas, who is seen getting drunk)
Sean: (To the camera) My kind of party. (Smiles)
Announcer: Meister Brau. Nothing's richer. Nothing's smoother.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) If you're a simple guy that likes stuff and Meister Brau beer, then go check those commercials out. And make sure George Wendt tags along.
Female Guest at Party: I wonder what the groom is thinking.
George Wendt: (To the camera) Same thing I am: "Who are these people?".
Announcer: Meister Brau. Nothing's richer. Nothing's smoother.
(Another clip from Cheers plays)
Norm Peterson: It's a dog eat dog world Sammy, and I'm wearing MilkBone underwear.
(TV Static transitions to: Batman: Mask of the Phantasm toy commercial from 1994)
(The commercial opens with scenes from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, featuring Batman jumping out of the Batwing, the Phantasm waking in Gotham Cemetery and the Joker at the Gotham World's Fair fighting Batman while laughing)
Announcer: Batman's toughest challenge is Phantasm. But first, the Joker must be stopped.
Sean: (Narrating) Hell, yes! One of my all-time favorite animated Batman movies has a toy commercial. And it's not a shameful commercial unlike a certain Batman movie….
(A clip from Batman & Robin plays)
Batman (Played by George Clooney) Bat Credit Card.
"Watch it, Clooney." Sean said, pointing at the camera.
Lucas: (Narrating) Kenner, the toy company that brought us the Star Wars action figures and Batman '89, Batman Returns and Batman: The Animated Series action figures brought us some action figures based on the 1993 animated feature Mask of the Phantasm.
(We see the action figures Total Armor Batman and Jetpack Joker being shown)
Announcer: Only Total Armor Batman can prepare to do battle with Jetpack Joker….
"Total Armor Batman? Was that even shown in the movie?" Lucas asked.
"No, because these action figures are produced by Kenner, we get many bizarre alterations of the Batman suit. And Total Armor Batman is one of them." Sean said.
(A clip from Mask of the Phantasm plays featuring a scene where Batman is getting shot at by the GCPD while hiding in a construction site and a picture of the Total Armor Batman action figure is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, where was that when Batman was getting shot at and blown up by the cops, huh?
Kid #1: (V/O as the Joker) Time for a little pick me up. (Picks up the Batman action figure and drops him) Whoops!
Announcer: This clown's in for a total surprise.
"And the announcer just had to drop a one-liner. Why? Just why?" Lucas asked.
Announcer: That nightmare is over, but Phantasm remains. So Batman powers up with the electronic Crime Stalker Vehicle.
Kid #2: (V/O as Phantasm) Sounds cool!
We cut back to Sean and Lucas as they both start chuckling from the commercial.
"I'm sorry, what?" Sean asked.
Kid #2: (V/O as Phantasm) Sounds cool!
"Sounds cool?" Lucas asked.
"Kid, have you ever seen the movie before? The Phantasm should say, "Your angel of death awaits.", not "Sounds cool!". Yeah, can you imagine the Phantasm saying that when he hears the Batwing coming for him." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm plays, as the Phantasm looks up and sees the Batwing flying in the air)
Sean: (V/O as Phantasm) Sounds cool! Oh, wait. That's my cue to start running. See ya, Bat Bitch!
(The Phantasm starts running)
Announcer: It's a fight to the finish, but Phantasm's no match for the power of Batman!
"You know, as awesome as this commercial is, there is something that just rubs me off the wrong way… I could clearly see the Phantasm's identity!" Lucas yelled out.
(We see the image of the identity of the Phantasm in the shadows)
Lucas: (Narrating) I'm not kidding, I could clearly see Andrea Beaumont running in the shadows. Hell, when the Phantasm action figure came out, it literally spoiled the identity of the Phantasm.
"So yeah, when you take your kids to Toys 'R' Us and they find the Mask of the Phantasm action figures and they happen to learn that the Phantasm was a woman and they haven't seen the movie, then the mystery is not a surprise. Kenner… you had ONE job! And that job was to not spoil the identity of the Phantasm!" Lucas yelled out.
"Yeah, shame on you, Kenner." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Even though Kenner spoiled the big surprise for everyone, the toys still look awesome as hell and the commercial was loads of fun. At least it's better than…
Batman: Bat Credit Card.
"Okay, I'm about this close to putting this clip out of it's misery. If I don't, then Lucas will do it for me." Sean said.
(The Batman emblem is shown)
Announcer: Vehicle and figures each sold separately.
(TV Static transitions to: Domino's Pizza "The Noid" commercial from 1986)
(The commercial plays showing a box of pizzas scrolling through a treadmill before being smashed by a boxing glove. The camera backs away to show The Noid activating a machine, which shows him destroying the pizza boxes himself while laughing.)
Narrator: Have you ever been frustrated because The Noid ruined your pizza?
"Well, no, although I'm pissed off now that I've seen him!" Sean rolled his eyes.
Narrator: The Noid loves to ruin Pizza.
(The Noid keeps laughing annoyingly after destroying another pizza box.)
Lucas then covered his ears before yelling out, "God, can someone shut that fucker up? His laughing his making me come up that screen and choking him the hell out!"
(A Domino's Pizza box rolls into the scene.)
Narrator: Behold Domino's Pizza.
(The Noid attempts to smash it with a boxing glove, but it gets destroyed as a result leaving the Noid pissed off.)
Narrator: We avoid the Noid!
"And have been doing so since 1986." Sean nodded, "So far about a million pizzas have gone uncold since then."
Lucas nodded as well before saying to the camera, "Yeah, you think McDonalds serves billions? Domino's Pizza is the McDonalds of pizza places, and it frickin' shows!"
(A montage of clips play out showing The Noid in Domino's Pizza commercials.)
Sean (Narrating): Yep, "Avoid The Noid" was the catchphrase that launched a million pizza sales thanks to Domino's Pizza and this little rabbit-eared bastard in red spandex, The Noid. In every one of these commercials, we see the Noid doing useless attempts to ruin a perfectly hot pizza like freezing it out of ice, electrocuting one with his wand, blowing some pizzas in a space-shooter type of game, you know, all types of shit. But once Domino's Pizza arrives onto the scene, good luck. That old creep isn't gonna go far.
(The Noid then attempts to smash the pizza box with a hammer and then drill it with a jackhammer with no results. He then kicks the jackhammer away and pouts as a result.)
(A clip of That 70's Show plays showing Red Forman)
Red Forman (played by Kurtwood Smith): That kid's on dope.
"Well, no crap, looking at the Noid already, he looks like he needs dope!" Sean nodded with a smirk.
Narrator: We keep the Noid out…
(The Domino's Pizza box flings open therefore launching The Noid away, closing in on an image of hot steaming supreme pizza.)
Narrator: ...and all this quality in. Case the quality…
(The Noid is caught being jammed in the machine while the words "One Call Does It All" appears under the Domino's Pizza box.)
Narrator: ...Domino's Pizza delivers in less than 30 minutes.
"Unless The Noid doesn't do anything to make your pizza cold, that is." Sean shook his head.
"Well, there is a place that actually serves your pizza cold," Lucas said before replying, "It's actually called Papa Murphy's Pizza."
Sean immediately smirked before saying, "Well, what do you know, looks like there's still hope for The Noid then."
(Clips of The Return of the Noid commercial start playing showing the Noid stopping a driverless delivery cart, cutting down a tree to block the delivery cart's path, blowing a parade balloon to block the cart's path yet again, all ending in failure.
Lucas (Narrating): But just when it couldn't get any worse, The Noid recently made a return in 2021 everyone. And he's out doing what he does best. Making hell for pizza-lovers like me and Sean like always.
(A picture of The Noid is shown alongside Crash Bandicoot in an advertisement for Crash Bandicoot: On The Run.)
Sean (Narrating): And if that doesn't boil your innards, The Noid is also one of the characters that can be unlocked in Crash Bandicoot: On The Run. Because having him in video games couldn't be bad enough.
"And we're not gonna even talk about the Yo! Noid game, let alone bother showing you gameplay right here." Sean shook his head before replying, "Because guess what happens when you put the actual game in your NES!"
Sean then pointed over to the right to see his Nintendo Entertainment System frozen in ice.
"Yeah, apparently if you put the Yo! Noid game in your Nintendo, your entire NES freezes up after 30 minutes of playing." Lucas nodded to the camera in disappointment. "Yeah, it seems like games aren't even safe thanks to the little freak as well."
"I agree, fuck the Noid." Sean nodded before grabbing the remote, "Okay, let's see what's next."
(TV Static transitions to: Batman Forever: The Video Game commercial from 1995)
(The commercial opens with a bat flapping its wings on barbed wire before cutting to a shot of a manhole cover with the words Gotham City on it. An escaped criminal runs over it and the bat symbol appears while rock music plays in the background)
"Hey, a Batman game. Okay, this better be good. Hell, the commercial looks good. You got some great lighting and some shadows. That awesome rock song that's playing in the background. It's bound to be good." Sean said.
(The commercial shows footage from the Batman Forever video game)
Singer: (Sings) You can run, there's no escape. You can hide, that's just fate.
"Oh, son of a bitch!" Sean exclaimed.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, for those of you who haven't played this game or haven't watched the Angry Video Game Nerd's review of the game when he was talking about the Batman video games, this game is a complete clusterfuck. It's George Clooney-levels of Batman failure.
Singer: (Sings) You can fight with all it's might and never win. When good battles evil, the real game begins!
Sean: (Narrating) Everything about this game is bad. Aesthetics, the graphics, the music and don't get me started on the controls.
"The controls are insane. You have to use three different buttons. It's not just press up to go up a platform or press down to go down a platform and it pisses me off and I want to choke the person for making this game and make their soul leave their body. Plus, the game looks like Mortal Kombat. You sons of bitches! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!" Sean screamed out as he grabbed his MP5 submachine gun while at the same time Lucas grabs him.
"Sean, no! It's not worth it!" Lucas yelled out.
"GET OFF OF ME! THEY JUST MESSED WITH THE WRONG MELON FARMER!" Sean screams.
Lucas continues to try to calm Sean down just as Taylor, Brian and Oliver enter the room to help him out.
(A placard that reads "Twenty Minutes Later" is shown on-screen while the Darkwing Duck theme plays in the background)
We cut back to Sean and Lucas as we see Sean taking a deep breath before sipping his can of Coca-Cola.
"I'm terribly sorry for the outburst while talking about that godawful video game with awful controls. I don't know what went over me. I caused some damage, I've tried to attack Lucas and Brian, I've tried to slap Taylor in the face. And I think in the process I shot Oliver in the arm with a crossbow." Sean said.
"How's your arm, Oliver?" Lucas asked.
"Remind me to shoot Sean in the foot for doing that. Why did you have to freak out like that?" Oliver asked.
"I said I was sorry. Jesus." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) I'm sure that Sean is going to say something about this game, but because of the commercial giving him a meltdown, I'm going to say it for him. Fuck this game. If you want to play a better Batman Forever game, then play the arcade game.
Singer: (Sings) The real game begins.
(Batman leaps at the camera until the title of the game is shown and the following consoles Super NES, Genesis, Game Boy and Game Gear)
(A clip from Batman Forever is shown)
The Riddler (Played by Jim Carrey): Now, the real game begins.
(TV Static transitions to: Cocoa Pebbles "Fred's Angel" commercial featuring The Flintstones from 1998)
(The commercial opens up at Cocoastone National Park where Barney and Fred climbing up a rock-like stature that resembles a cereal bowl filled with Cocoa Pebbles.)
Barney Rubble: *to Fred* Hey, Fred!
Fred Flintstone: WHAT?!
Barney Rubble: Gimme your Cocoa Pebbles!
Fred Flintstone: No way!
"And if you keep asking me that, I'll grab a brontosaurus burger and shove it up your ass, you grabby bitch." Lucas said, imitating Fred.
Barney Rubble: No? *cries* Ohhhh, Fred!
(The small blue birds let go of the rope, forcing Barney Rubble to fall off to his possible death.
Fred Flintstone: *in a heart-wrenching tone* Barney!
Sean immediately watches this scene in total shock, therefore leaving his jaw dropped in a bit of surprise.
"Did they just kill Barney Rubble?" Sean gasped to the camera, "Tell me they did not just kill Barney Rubble in a commercial advertised to kids! Post Cereal, what the hell's wrong with you all! Is this the message you're sending to the youth that it's okay to see Barney fall to his death? Are you high?"
"Apparently, they were." Lucas said as he was reading through a clipboard of source, "Plus, they were also high when they decided to add Betty to chewable Flintstone vitamins."
"Well, la-de-damn-da!" Sean rolled his eyes, "I swear, I rather march into whoever runs the Post company and tell them to-"
Barney Rubble: Yes, Fred?
(Fred then turns to the right to see Barney dressed up as an angel while the same blue birds are busy holding Barney up in the air.)
Fred Flintstone: You're an… you're an angel.
Barney Rubble: *bonks Fred in the nose* Your selfishness sent me to the great beyond.
"Oh, he's alive then." Sean muttered out in surprise, "I swear, he made me almost crap myself."
"Me too," Lucas nodded before saying to the camera, "And in following that: Bullshit, Barney. You're still alive because you got four dumbass birds holding you up in the air like Rafiki did to Simba in The Lion King."
Fred Flintstone: Forgive me. Have my Cocoa Pebbles. Have them all!
(Fred hands Barney the bowl of Cocoa Pebbles, forcing Barney to get a taste.)
Barney Rubble: Mmmm, heavenly chocolat-iest cereal in Bedrock!
"And not to mention a flavor that tastes so good, it'll make you eat more just to get that foul taste of that live-action movie that it came out several years before this commercial!" Sean exclaimed before saying, "But don't worry, I'll get to that film someday."
"Yep, only five words: Halle Berry in Animal Fur." Lucas smirked out to the camera.
(A montage of clips featuring Barney Rubble eating Cocoa Pebbles play out while The Flintstones theme song play in the background)
Sean (Narrating): I swear, every single one of these commercials has Barney Rubble trying to get his hands on some of those Cocoa Pebbles, all while causing Fred Flintstone to have these guilt trips so that he could give his bowl to Barney, just for a taste. I swear, this same thing literally happens in every Cocoa Pebbles commercial that's been aired through the dawn of the stone age.
Lucas (Narrating): Honestly, watching these commercials really start to make me hate Barney a bit. I mean, son of a bitch, is there ever gonna be a moment where Fred can finally enjoy his Cocoa Pebbles to himself without Barney begging some like the dotted-eye bitch he's being.
"If I can intervene here, can we at least have one decent commercial where Barney Rubble doesn't get Fred's Cocoa Pebbles for once?" Sean said before saying, "I would definitely love to see what that's like."
(Cutaway gag plays showing Sean dressed up as Fred Flintstone while sitting on the table with a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles in hand.)
Fred Flintstone/Sean: Finally, some Cocoa Pebbles to myself.
(Meanwhile, outside the window stood Brian, who was dressed up as Barney Rubble. He somehow gets a good look at the bowl of Cocoa Pebbles Sean is eating.)
Barney Rubble/Brian: Ooooh, Fred's got some Cocoa Pebbles. Don't mind if I do.
(Barney/Brian tries to sneak through the window and attempts to get a hold of the bowl of Cocoa Pebbles, only for Fred/Sean to draw a Colt .45 from his pocket and aim at Barney's/Brian's head.
Fred Flintstone/Sean: You take my Cocoa Pebbles, Barney, and I blow your goddamn Yabba Dabba brains away.
Barney Rubble/Brian: Okay, just checking.
(Barney/Brian then runs away in fear leaving Fred/Sean to enjoy eating his Cocoa Pebbles in peace.)
(Cutaway gag ends.)
Sean smirked at himself before he said to the camera, "Yeah, I know it was a little dark, but damn it, Fred wanted his frickin' cereal for once."
(The blue birds look down at the cereal and start licking their lips, only to accidentally let go of the rope that was holding Barney. Barney then hands on to Fred very quickly, leaving Fred pissed off.)
Fred Flintstone: Barney, you're no angel!
(Fred and Barney then fall off the rock, leaving them to scream as they fall into a chocolate river. Barney then pops from the river itself while Fred is still looking angry.)
Barney Rubble: The devil made me do it!
"Oh, let me frickin' guess, did the devil ask you to steal Fred's Fruity Pebbles, too?" Lucas raised his eyebrow to the camera, "Fred was right. You are a grabby little bitch."
"Cocoa Pebbles, a cereal so good you have to protect so Barney wouldn't have." Sean replied.
Fred Flintstone: (Narrating) Post Cocoa Pebbles cereal. Part of this good breakfast.
(TV Static transitions to: Skip It commercial from 1991)
(The commercial starts as we see a group of children running outside to see a girl playing Skip It)
Singer: (Sings) Hey, now kids! Come gather 'round, see what just skipped into town.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, you all remember this catchy song and the commercial. Let's sing along.
Singer: (Sings) So Skip It, Skip It, you want to jump to the top.
"Skip It, Skip It…" Sean and Lucas both start singing.
Singer: (Sings) A skippin' and a screamin' and a bop-shoo-bop.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, Skip It is a toy that's basically a jump rope with a little ball on it. It's not just that, it has something else as well, which is the very best thing of all.
Singer: (Sings) But the very best thing of all, there's a counter on this ball.
"Really? That's the best thing about this thing? We get to count how many times we've jumped over the friggin' thing and we need a counter to do so? I can count how many times I've rubbed one out to Rachael Cavalli and London River and do I need a counter to help me out? No!" Lucas exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) This is ridiculous. A counter on the ball while I stand in one place and jump for hours while I think about numbers. What is this thing, the new PS5?
Singer: (Sings) So try to beat your very best score, see if you could jump a whole lot more.
Sean: (Narrating) You know, as memorable as this commercial is, I've never really owned a Skip It. The only things I owned were Batman, Power Rangers, Beetleborgs, Star Wars, my Nintendo 64 and my Sega Genesis Nomad. Plus, I've never known anyone who's good at it? Have you ever known anyone who's good at Skip It? I mean, come on! Who's gonna get the hang of this thing? I know I wouldn't.
"And I know, the Nostalgia Critic made a joke about it when he talked about this commercial on his Rise of the Commercials special. But for this one, we're gonna do something a little different. See, I ordered myself a Skip It from Amazon. And I'm gonna try to perfect this thing." Sean said. "Give me a couple of minutes, I will be right back."
Sean got up from off of the couch and grabbed the Skip It toy from off of the coffee table before leaving the living room.
(The words "A Few Minutes Later" are shown on the screen)
Narrator: A few minutes later.
Sean arrives back inside the house. This time, he is seen limping and his head and lip bleeding as he walks over to the couch while carrying the broken Skip It toy in his hand before sitting down.
"Holy shit! Are you alright? Do you want me to call a doctor?" Lucas asked.
"No wonder kids are no good at this thing. It's a lawsuit waiting to happen!" Sean exclaimed.
Lucas: (Narrating) What can we say? It's a memorable commercial with a catchy as hell song that will not leave.
Singer: (Sings) Skip It, Skip It.
Announcer: Come on, everybody! Skip It! Roaring good fun from Tiger Toys.
(TV Static transitions to: Volkswagen GTI "Speed Racer" commercial from 1996)
(The commercial opens up with a Speed Racer episode intro which it says "Speed Racer In Sabotage" before transitioning to a scene which Speed Racer and the rest of his crew are checking on a damaged Mach 5.)
Speed Racer (voiced by Billy West): Oh no, the Mach 5 has been sabotaged!
Pops Racer: *while shaking back and forth like an idiot* Speed, if you don't win, we could lose everything!
"Um, Lucas?" Sean replied.
"Yeah, Sean?" Lucas said, turning to Sean.
"Are you sure you didn't change the channel to a commercial?" Sean raised his eyebrow, "Because this doesn't seem like one to me."
Lucas then looked over to the remote on the coffee table and shrugged, "I'm pretty sure I didn't, but I want to see what Speed Racer does without his Mach 5 first."
(A mysterious figure shows up dressed in a purple trenchcoat while holding car keys with a Volkswagen logo hanging from the keys itself.)
Mysterious figure: Here, Speed.
(The camera backs away showing the Volkswagen GTI.)
Speed Racer: The Volkswagen GTI!
"Ooooooooh yeaaaaaaaaah…" Sean and Lucas said in unison, imitating the Yello song "Oh Yeah".
Sean (Narrating): Okay, now I see where this is going. And this just happens to be one of the coolest commercials I'm seeing so far. It's in the style of a Speed Racer cartoon in which Speed Racer exchanges his Mach 5 for a kickass Volkswagen GTI. That's right, Speed Racer is about to go full-on Gran Turismo up in this bitch.
"In fact, let's see what the Volkswagen GTI can do what the Mach 5 doesn't." Lucas said before reaching his seatbelt from the couch and putting it in.
Sean does the same thing to his seatbelt too before he notices his beer bottle sitting on the edge of the couch.
"Yeah, gonna get rid of this though." Sean said as he threw the beer bottle away, "Don't want no drunk driving related accidents here."
(The scene transitions over to the race track where Speed Racer is busy driving his Volkswagen GTI on the race track while Trixie is on the passenger side, sitting alongside Speed.)
Trixie: Faster, speed!
(The Volkswagen GTI approaches two race cars, one blue and one yellow, who are colliding with each other.)
Pops Racer: Look out!
Speed Racer: Ahh!
"Ahh!" Sean and Lucas said while the camera closed in on their faces.
(The Volkswagen GTI soon moves through the two cars, which results in the yellow car driving off a clip and crashing down, resulting in an explosion that the Volkswagen GTI moves past from. The Volkswagen GTI then crosses the finish line)
Speed Racer: This GTI is amazing!
Pops Racer: And it's got room for four!
Spritle Racer: *pops up from under the back seat* Make that six!
(The Racer family all laugh.)
"Oh, Spritle and Chim-Chim, what you won't do to give us a laugh." Lucas smirked to the camera.
"Except make them all caucasian in the live-action movie, of course." Sean smirked as well.
Sean (Narrating) Believe it or not, there's just something about a popular anime franchise and a good old fashioned car commercial blending together side-by-side. This wouldn't be the only one we get since Ford also did crossovers with Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon just to advertise their brand new Ford Fusion. So if that's the kind if commercial you dig, by all means, dig into YouTube so you can get a good kick of seeing your favorite anime shows get the car commercial treatment.
"You know, it sucks that PokeMon or Digimon never had a car commercial of their own." Sean shook his head, "Because, that would have been the most epic crossover we would come close to in this day and age."
"In fact, now that I thought about it, I can imagine what that would have been like." Lucas replied as a cutaway gag played after his sentence.
(The cutaway gag begins with Lucas, who is dressed up as Ash Ketchum, stops his Ford Focus in the middle of a stoplight turning red.)
Ash Ketchum/Lucas: Agh, come on, I don't have all day. I gotta get to the PokeMon center and cure my damn PokeMon!
(All of a sudden, a Volkswagen GTI stops by beside him before the window rolls down to see Sean dress up as Tai from Digimon. He them smiles over to Ash/Lucas.)
Tai Kamiya/Sean: Pardon me. Do you have any Grey Poupon?
Ash Ketchum/Lucas: No, Pikachu ate 'em all. He's got nausea.
Tai Kamiya/Sean: Oh, well fuck you then.
(Tai/Sean immediately drive off in disgust.)
(The cutaway gag ends.)
"Yeah, I know it didn't feel like a car commercial." Sean nodded to the camera, "What can I say? I just loved the idea of PokeMon and Digimon doing a crossover, and that's where I went."
Lucas then pleaded to the camera saying, "Nintendo and Bandai Namco, I beg you to make this happen. If Speed Racer and Volkswagen can make it happen, so can PokeMon and Digimon. That would be EPIC. Not also would that be epic, but as Barney Stinson would say..."
(A clip of How I Met Your Mother plays showing Barney Stinson.)
Barney Stinson (played by Neil Patrick Harris): It's gonna be Legend-wait for it-dary!
(Speed Racer does his signature freeze after getting out of the Volkswagen GTI.)
Narrator: Like the road of life, there are passengers and there are drivers.
Chorus: *singing* Go, Speed Racer, Gooooooooo!
Volkswagen. Drivers wanted.
(TV Static transitions to: Cool Shavin' Ken Doll commercial from 1996)
(The commercial opens with two girls playing with a Cool Shavin' Ken doll and a Barbie doll. The bearded Ken doll kisses Barbie as two girls giggle)
Singers: (Sings) One very cool day, new Cool Shavin' Ken gives Barbie a kiss. His beard tickles her chin.
"What the chiz? Really?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, what you see here is a Ken doll with a beard. Why is that a thing? Are you trying to teach little girls how to shave?
(We cut to a girl putting shaving cream on his face)
Girl #1: Time to shave. Lather up!
"Oh, great. Seriously? Do you have to put shaving cream on a Ken doll? This is to stupid." Lucas said.
"Why couldn't they make a Barbie doll in which you put shaving cream on her legs and maybe her…" Sean said.
(A clip from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is shown)
Snape (Played by Alan Rickman): Silence!
"Whoa! Sorry." Sean said.
(The girl shaves off Ken's beard)
Chorus: (Sings) Shave his beard off...
Singer: He looks so nice.
"Well, that's because you made his beard magically disappear." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) And look at this, they put Old Spice aftershave on his face so he could smell good.
Chorus: (Sings) He smells so good…
Singer: (Sings) 'Cause he wears Old Spice.
Girls: What a hunk!
"Great, Jade's using my Old Spice aftershave on her Ken doll. I told her to stay away from my shaving supplies." Sean said, imitating the father.
Chorus: (Sings) He feels so good…
Singer: (Sings) Barbie kisses him twice!
Chorus: Ooo-wee, ooo-wee!
Singer: (Sings) Shave him again and again.
"That's right, girls. Shave him again and again until his beard doesn't come off. Yeah, like that will happen." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I just had a thought… what if this was a boy's commercial? Like, you have the exact same lines and everything but you switch out the roles to male roles. Would we really buy the product that they're advertising?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(The scene opens as Sean and Lucas are playing with a Barbie doll and a Ken doll, while a cheesy song plays in the background)
Oliver: (Sings) One very fine day, new Silky Smooth Barbie let's Ken touch her legs…
Sean: Damn, girl! You need a shave.
Lucas: Yeah. Time to shave, lather up.
Oliver: (Sings) Shave her legs, make them silky smooth. They're so soft, 'cause she uses Gillette Venus.
Lucas: Damn, she looks sexy.
Oliver: (Sings) She feels so good, Ken touches them twice. Oh, yeah! Shave them again and again. Love that Silky Smooth Barbie.
Brian: (as Announcer) Silky Smooth Barbie doll's hair on her legs disappears with warm water. Ken doll and towel not included. And make sure you don't knick her.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) You like your men to have a silky smooth face for you to kiss on, then girls this is the doll for you.
Singers: (Sings) Love that Cool Shavin' Ken!
Announcer: Cool Shavin' Ken doll's beard disappears with warm water. Barbie doll and towel not included.
(The Gillette logo is shown)
Male Singers: Gillette, the best a man can get.
(TV Static transitions to: Slim Jim commercial featuring the Ultimate Warrior from 1989)
(The commercial opens with three teenagers hanging out inside a garage. The right teenager is busy spinning a basketball, while the left teenager is busy messing around an R/C remote controller and the middle teenager is busy tossing around a basketball.)
Right teenager: So, what do you wanna do?
Left teenager: I don't know.
Middle teenager: What do you want to do?
"Possibly change the channel to something else since this is already starting to get fucking boring." Lucas replied out of boredom.
(The three teenagers then overhear the sound of a garage door opening up, forcing the three boys to turn around and see the Ultimate Warrior pop up.)
Ultimate Warrior: You boys have been bored? SNAP INTO IT!
(Ultimate Warrior then pulls out a Slim Jim and snaps into his mouth, therefore destroying the toolbox.)
"Wait, hold up, this is a Slim Jim commercial?" Sean raised his eyebrow, "I was kinda expecting Macho Man Randy Savage!"
Lucas (Narrating): Well, Sean, this just happens to be one of the many Slim Jim commercials without Macho Man Randy Savage. Well, this is more like before "Macho Man" Randy Savage became the permanent spokesman. This of course, is a Slim Jim commercial featuring everyone's favorite barbarian of Destrucity…
(A montage of clips is shown featuring The Ultimate Warrior while the Sega Genesis version of his theme song from WWF Super WrestleMania is playing in the background.)
Lucas (Narrating): The Ultimate Warrior. The very same man who definitely inspired my penname, and of course, the very same man who became one of WWE's colorful wrestlers of the late 80's to the mid 90's. Of course, it's the perfect time to include him in the commercials special since he was recently featured on Vice's Dark Side of the Ring and A&E's WWE Biography series as of late. But back in the Golden Era in the WWE, he was practically in high demand as ever, being featured in things from action figures, video games, Wrestling Buddies, t-shirts, masks that have that awesome facepaint of his and did I forget to mention that he had his own comic book? Because he totally had that too.
"In fact, I luckily managed to get a hold of one of those comics, and here it is!" Lucas exclaimed as he held up a copy of Warrior #5 to show on camera.
"Is that Ultimate Warrior dressed up as Santa?" Sean asked Lucas.
"Indeed," Lucas nodded before smirking to Sean and said, "And I bet you can't guess why he decided to dress up as Santa…"
"Huh, why's that?" Sean said to Lucas, raising an eyebrow.
With an evil smirk, Lucas opened up the comic to show Sean a page in which Sean sees Santa knocked out with his underwear on while the Ultimate Warrior is changing into Santa's clothes. The resulting image forces Sean's jaw to drop out of shock.
"Did… did the Warrior just sexually assault him?" Sean said to Lucas.
"Oh yeah, he did." Lucas nodded.
From there, Sean started to choke on his bile so much that he immediately left for the bathroom, vomiting violently thanks to the uncomfortable image.
(Several minutes later.)
Sean immediately came back to the living room looking a bit weak due to the puke he had to vomit out from the bathroom.
He sat back down on the sofa besides Lucas, who turned around to Sean and smirked, "So how are you feeling?"
"NEVER show me that again!" Sean warned Lucas angrily.
Sean (Narrating): Anyway, we see Warrior snapping his Slim Jim around practically destroying everything in sight.
Ultimate Warrior: *standing next to the middle teen* SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!
(The middle teenager snaps into a Slim Jim, which forces one of the sound speakers to explode.)
Ultimate Warrior: Attack to the spice!
(He then rips up a phone book while at the same time, the left teenager snaps into his Slim Jim. In doing so, it causes the left teenager to fly out of his shoes.)
Ultimate Warrior: Beefy juicy taste!
"Yeah, a taste so juicy it literally blows you out of your shoes." Lucas smirked out.
"Same thing Nicolette Shea feels when she goes down on you." Sean smirked to the camera as well.
(Ultimate Warrior then grabs a chair and looks at it.)
Ultimate Warrior: Heeeeey, nice antique!
(The left teenager falls right back on the couch.)
Ultimate Warrior: SNAP INTO IT!
(The middle teenager snaps into his Slim Jim, forcing the chair he's sitting in to spin all around, which stops just to see the middle teenager's haircut looking very messy a la Sora from Kingdom Hearts.)
"Well, looks like the guys at Disney and Square Enix knew what their inspiration was for Sora," Lucas nodded, "It was this kid with that spiky goofy-ass haircut."
"That's the price you pay for snapping into a Slim Jim." Sean nodded before pulling out two Slim Jims, "By the way, care for a Slim Jim, my good man?"
"Don't mind if I do." Lucas nodded before one of the Slim Jims off his hand.
The two then snapped into their Slim Jims, which resulted in both Sean and Lucas exploding out of the couch, flying right out of their shoes. The two then come right back down with their clothes and hair looking all messy and burnt up.
"Whooooooa…" Lucas muttered to himself in amazement.
"You're telling me," Sean nodded before smirking, "Slim Jim rules…"
Ultimate Warrior: Need a little excitement? Snap into a Slim Jiiiiiiiiim!
(The teenagers start feeling relaxed while one of the deer's antlers bend down in response.)
(TV Static transitions to: Nintendo's Game Boy commercial from 1989)
(The commercial opens up with a robot walking around a deserted planet.)
Narrator: They said it wasn't humanly possible. All the power and excitement and Nintendo right at the palm of your hands.
(A robot shoots a laser out of his finger, making a kid appear with his Game Boy in hand.)
Then, all of a sudden, a ray of light with angels singing in the background appears above Sean and Lucas, making an "Ahhhhhhhh" sound in response.
"Ladies and gentleman, we've just found heaven in a pocket." Sean smirked out.
Lucas (Narrating): Yep, this commercial you're seeing right here changed the game for all electronic handhelds come and gone. It's none other than the Nintendo's Game Boy. Consider it the epic evolution to the Game & Watch, which appeared in Japan and the west around 1980. And dare I say, it's an epic evolution, PokeMon style.
(Gameplay of games such as Super Mario Land, Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins, Metroid II: Return of Samus, Donkey Kong Land, The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening and PokeMon Blue and Red start playing out in order while the Road To Viridian City theme from PokeMon plays in the background.)
Sean (Narrating): Oh, it was, Lucas. During these past 30 years since it's existence, the Game Boy has given us some of the most epic games and memories that this handheld could provide for its fanbase. Yes, the screen was pretty much puke-green and we could hardly ever see it without a light, but for some reason, it managed to survive a long shelf-life for as long as it lasted. You can pretty much tell the same thing to Sega's Master System over at Brazil and they can tell you how it feels like to live that long for a good 30 plus years.
"Trust us, fans, this was in high demand." Lucas nodded, "It was so hot that people will literally kick each other's asses just for a piece of that hot sweet handheld."
"Agreed," Sean nodded as well, "In fact, let me show you something."
It wasn't long before Sean managed to pull out a case of brass knuckles, which he showed to the camera right away.
"See this awesome little thingy right here?" Sean asked, "This belonged to my mom, and she kicked ass with it just to get a piece of that Game Boy. Don't believe me? Just ask those idiots that went to the hospital thanks to her 32 years ago."
Narrator: Introducing Game Boy.
(The robot then proceeds to enter a headphone jack into the Game Boy while the kid puts a copy of Tetris into his Game Boy in return. The kid and the robot start playing each other in Tetris while it switches back to the gameplay.)
Narrator: It's portable. It's in stereo. And it's games are interchangeable. Game Boy comes complete with batteries and the outrageous new game, Tetris.
"Ah, Tetris, the only good thing Russians gave to us in this Cold War era of the 80's." Sean nodded.
Lucas nodded as well before saying, "Well, next to hot busty Russian pornstars and cases of vodka, of course."
(The kid then installs a video link right to his Game Boy.)
Narrator: And for head-to-head competition, use video link, and blow your opponent away.
(The kid shoots a laser out of his finger zapping the robot away clean off.)
"Okay, there's no way that kid has that kind of power to do that." Sean pointed out right away while shaking his head, "That dude must have laser beams as fingers."
"Imagine if we too had laser beams just like that kid did. Can you honestly imagine that right now?" Lucas said as a cutaway gag began.
(Cutaway gag begins when Sean and Lucas are busy drinking beers in front of the couch while watching My Hero Academia on TV.)
Sean: Welp, finished another beer. *looks around* Where's the trash can?
Lucas: *shrugs* Eh, I don't know. It's too far away.
Sean: Welp, there's only one thing to do here.
(Sean then tosses the beer can away in the air, forcing Lucas to zap a laser to destroy the beer can. Lucas somehow looks at his finger and starts being impressed.)
Lucas: Screw trash cans, these things are great!
(Cutaway gag ends.)
"That's right, laugh at us all you want, haters!" Sean pointed to the camera, "You know damn well it's gonna happen. Just you wait and see."
Lucas sighed with his arms relaxed in the back of his head before saying, "The Game Boy, best handheld to ever exist… and to wreck life-long friendships since 1989."
Narrator: Game Boy, only from Nintendo. Now you're playing with power… Portable Power!
(TV Static transitions to: Pop Secret commercial featuring Joe O'Connor from 1994)
(The commercial opens with father, played by Joe O'Connor, quietly sneaking into the kitchen trying to make some Pop Secret popcorn in the microwave)
Announcer: What is it about Pop Secret?
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, talk about a nostalgia attack. If you owned The Mask on VHS, then you probably remember seeing this commercial after they advertise the soundtrack to The Mask. We see the dad from Clarissa Explains It All sneaking into the kitchen to pop himself some popcorn.
(The father sticks the bag of popcorn into the microwave. As the bag pops, the father smells the rich, buttery aroma before realizing that his family could smell the aroma as well)
Announcer: How come that rich, buttery aroma seems to drift a little too far?
"Yeah, don't you just hate it when people you know become attracted to the scent of popcorn?" Lucas asked.
Announcer: Those kernels pop a little too loudly.
"Yeah, you can't keep the popping kernels quiet. Those loud popping noises could give away your position. Trust me, I know." Sean said.
(The father pours the popcorn into a bowl as his family heads downstairs before he goes into hiding)
Announcer: And why when you pop up every big fluffy bagful people pop up too?
(The mother and her two children surround the closet door as she opens it to find her husband hanging on the door hanger while snacking on popcorn)
"Oh, goddamn it, Marshall! Couldn't you find a better hiding place to keep your wife and kids from finding you and taking your bowl of popcorn away from you? You had one job, Marshall Darling!" Lucas exclaimed.
Lucas: (Narrating) But yeah, this poor guy. All he wanted to do is to pop himself some Pop Secret and watch a Brazzers video, but instead his family had to go and ruin it for him.
"Yeah, that's exactly how I feel while popping up some popcorn." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(The scene opens with Sean walking towards the microwave with a bag of Pop Secret in his hands)
Sean: You know, there's nothing better than binge watching episodes of iCarly and Victorious just for me to come up with some good fanfics. And all that watching is making me hungry.
(Sean puts the popcorn bag in the microwave and the bag starts popping. Sean smells the rich, buttery aroma before realizing something)
Sean: Wait a minute.
(We see Taylor sitting in Sean's office smelling the aroma, Lucas and Brian smelling the aroma as well while they're playing PS5 and Oliver stepping out of Sean's bathroom as he smells the aroma as well)
Sean: Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap!
Taylor: Sean?
(Suspense music plays in the background as Taylor, Brian, Lucas and Oliver head to the kitchen while Sean tries to shoo away the aroma and quiet down the popping. Once the popcorn finishes popping, Sean quickly grabs a bowl and pours the popcorn into the bowl before heading out of the kitchen. Once the group enters the kitchen, they see that Sean is not there and the microwave door is left open)
Lucas: Where the hell did he go?
(We see Sean in the garage, sitting in his Ford Explorer while eating his bowl of popcorn)
Sean: (Laughs) Suckers.
(While Sean enjoys his popcorn, we see Dave, who's playing Agent 47, appear from behind Sean while armed with a silenced silverballer pistol)
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) What can we say? It's popcorn so damn good, you can't even keep it a secret.
Announcer: Pop Secret Popcorn. So irresistible, you can't even keep it a secret.
(TV Static transitions to: Balzac Balloon Ball commercial)
(The commercial opens with a black man in a costume rapping, four cheerleaders are dancing in an orange background)
Balzac Man: (Rapping) Turn up the fun with Balzac!
"I beg your pardon. What?" Sean asked.
(As the rap continues, we cut to children playing with the Balzac ball outside)
Balzac Man: (Rapping) Put the Balzac balloon in a sack, blow it up, now give it a whack!
"Oh, Jesus." Lucas snickered a bit.
Balzac Man: (Rapping) Turn up the fun with Balzac! Hit it!
(The Balzac Man is shown drinking water from a fire hydrant)
"Oooookay. Do I need to make this one sound perverted? We just witnessed a Ballsack sucking off a fire hydrant." Sean said.
Balzac Man: (Rapping) Throw in some water too, I fly real quick now ain't that cool?
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, imagine being a kid in the 90s and you ask your mom for a Balzac. Yeah, expect a slap in the face from her.
"Or when your teacher wants to talk about the works of French novelist Honore de Balzac, you and every kid in this room start laughing your asses off." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, God. Just when I thought things couldn't get ridiculous.
(The Balzac Man is now rapping with a little kid in the checkered balloon costume. The kid in the costume is played by J.D. Daniels)
Balzac Man: (Rapping) Here's my little buddy, the Balzac Brat!
"Goddamn it." Sean said.
Balzac Brat (Played by J.D. Daniels): (Rapping) Us two Balzacs are where it's at!
(They high-five each other)
"I'm sorry, did you just say "Ice Cube's ballsacks" or "Us two Balzac's"?" Sean asked.
Balzac Brat: (Rapping) Us two Balzacs are where it's at!
"Look, I've heard of icing my balls, but this is too much." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) What the jank? Can you be a little more perverted than this?
Balzac Man: (Rapping) Blow it up and give it a whack.
"Hey, I let Taylor play with my Balzac, let alone have someone take a whack at it." Sean said. "I mean come on, you can't have another commercial like this one that is somewhat perverted?"
(Another Balzac commercial is shown, featuring the cartoon Balzac Ball)
Announcer: Look!
Female Announcer: It's a balloon!
Announcer: It's a ball!
All: It's Balzac! Balzac!
(We see a group of kids playing with the Balzac ball)
Singer: (Sings) You can bash it, you can smash it, you can smack it, you can whack it!
Announcer: Balzac…
We cut to Sean and Lucas both looking shocked after seeing the second Balzac commercial. Then, Sean picks up a can of Budweiser beer before taking a sip.
"Uh… what?!" Sean asked.
"Okay, can we please cut to a commercial that doesn't involve whacking balls?" Lucas asked.
(TV Static transitions to: Jell-O Grape Kids Go Ape commercial featuring Bill Cosby and Lindsay Lohan from 1994)
(The commercial opens with Bill Cosby and an ensemble cast of kids, including a young Lindsay Lohan, in a purple living room that features a giant, purple DJ table, a purple couch, purple carpet, a purple door, purple wallpaper and a refrigerator completely stocked with grape Jell-O. We see that their music group is called Cos and the Gang and their music video is called "Kids Go Ape")
Bill Cosby: Introducing, new Jell-O…
"Goddamn it!" Sean yelled out.
"What the fuck, man!" Lucas yelled out as well.
"SON OF A BITCH!" Sean yelled out again. "Okay, what does that pervert Cosby has to sell to us."
Bill Cosby: lntroducing, new Jell-O… (Rapping) Grape for the flape for the fruity taste!
"And he starts rapping. Okay, no one should ever see Cosby rapping with a bunch of little kids." Lucas said.
"Oh, no." Sean groans, rubbing his head.
Kids: (Rapping) Kids go ape for new Jell-O grape.
Bill Cosby: (Rapping) You got the wiggles and jiggles all over the place. (Opens the refrigerator, revealing that it's filled with Jell-O grape)
"Wow, that fridge is fully stocked with grape Jell-O. I wonder what's behind the Jell-O." Sean said.
"Probably some cans of New Coke with Quaaludes in it." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Man, they take the color purple very seriously. It's like Barney the Dinosaur taking a massive shit in this room.
Kids: (Rapping) Kids go ape for new Jell-O grape!
(A kid does a shaky dance while eating Jell-O grape)
"Okay, what is up with this kid?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) It's like he's having the Jell-O shakes after eating grape Jell-O or maybe he's related to the lady in the bathtub from the Zest commercial. Maybe he's got the wiggles and the jiggles all over the place.
"Hey, it's a commercial with little kids in it. They're known to do a bunch of overacting all the time." Lucas said.
Bill Cosby: (Rapping) Gobble it up with a purple slurp…
Kids: (Rapping) Kids go ape for new Jell-O grape!
Bill Cosby: (Rapping) But don't follow it up with a purple burp.
Kids: (Rapping) Kids go ape for new Jell-O grape!
"Kids, let's go sit on the couch and eat some new Jell-O grape. I promise, I didn't put anything in it to drug you. Oh, wait. Did I say drug? I meant not put anything in it. I promise." Sean said, imitating Bill Cosby.
Lucas: (Narrating) And by the way, recognize that little red-haired, freckle-faced girl in the purple baseball cap eating Jell-O? (A picture of Lindsay Lohan is shown) Yeah, that's a young Lindsay Lohan. That's right. This was before she made it big with films like The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday and Mean Girls. And one of Sean's celebrity crushes, aside from Miranda Cosgrove and Elizabeth Gilles.
"A Jell-O commercial that features Bill Cosby and Lindsay Lohan in the same commercial. One ruined their Hollywood career through habitual drug use and the other went to star in Mean Girls." Lucas said.
"Let's not forget that the other did shitty movies like Leonard Part 6 and Ghost Dad. Oh, great. That's two shitty Bill Cosby movies for me to review. Unbelievable." Sean said. "Hell, it's bad enough to learn that this pervert is out of jail. What's next? Dan Schneider making a return to television?"
(An article from The New York Times about Dan Schneider is shown that reads: "Nickelodeon's longtime hitmaker separated from the company in 2018 and has been trailed by questions about his abrupt departure. Now he's talking about making a return to television.")
Sean and Lucas stay silent for a bit.
"I should learn how to keep my mouth shut." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, what can we say about the commercial? Cosby takes the "G" out of grape.
Bill Cosby: (Rapping) So you can have your fun and eat it too!
Kids: Jell-O purple grape!
(TV Static transitions to: The Real Cost's "Skin" and "Your Teeth" anti-drug ads from 2014)
(The commercial opens up inside a convenience store where a brown-haired teenage girl with a green jacket, white shirt and black jeans is standing in front of a counter next to a old woman, who happens to be a female cashier.)
Teenage girl: Pack of cigarettes.
(The teenage girl then drops a dollar bill onto the counter.)
Female cashier: You need a little more, honey.
"Huh, what's that you say?" Sean said as he lent his hand to his ear, "Is this gonna be one of those fancy anti-drug commercials where it shows a message to teenagers on why smoking is bad?"
"Oh boy, the possibilities!" Lucas replied, squealing happily.
Lucas (Narrating): Yep, it's another one of these commercials folks made by our folks down at The Real Cost, who are best known for making some of the most unsettling drug PSA's you'll ever witness.
Sean (Narrating): And you're in for a treat today, because this will be one of many we'll be checking out now. Let's see what this girl does for some cigarettes.
(The girl and the cashier soon have a stare down with each other before the teenage girl starts to get a strange itch in her face.)
"Huh, must be having a small rash." Lucas replied.
(The teenage girl then rips off a small chunk of skin from her face before laying it down on the counter.)
Sean and Lucas immediately see this happen and are instantly horrified and nauseated at what the teenage girl did.
It soon lasts for several seconds before both Sean and Lucas grab into their respective trash bins and puke inside them very violently as a result.
Sean (Narrating): *screaming* WHAT THE GODDAMN SHIT DID I JUST WATCH?!
Lucas (Narrating): I don't know, but the scene of her ripping some of her skin off her face for a box of cigs is… Oh, jeez! It's horrifying!
"I swear, I honestly haven't puked this much since I saw the reindeer lick the shit off of Whitey off of that Eight Crazy Nights review." Sean shook his head. "You know how much pounds I lost having to watch that scene? I don't know how much, but I definitely do not want to relive that agai-"
(Sean immediately gets cut off by the scene from Eight Crazy Nights where the reindeer are busy licking the crap off of Whitey, who is still frozen in ice.)
"OH MY GOD!" Sean shrieked out before puking in his tin can once more.
(The commercial then switches over to the "Your Teeth" ad in which the commercial opens inside the same convenience store where a customer with a blue shirt wearing over a red shirt coat, black jeans and black skin is standing next to a counter where a male cashier with bald head and glasses is serving.)
Male customer: Pack of cigarettes please.
(The male customer places a dollar in the counter.)
Male cashier: It's not enough.
"Oh, like a fake ID and five bucks wasn't enough to begin with?" Lucas shrugged to the camera, "It's like entering a strip club with the same ID and five bucks, except it works."
Lucas (Narrating): Well, we might as well see what this kid does for some cigarettes.
(The male customer and male cashier soon have a staredown with each other before the male customer pulls out a wrench from his pocket.)
Sean finally stops puking for once out of his trashbin and says, "Wait a minute, he isn't gonna rob the place with a wrench isn't he?"
"Well, let's watch and see." Lucas replied.
(The male customer inserts a wrench inside his mouth and yanks a tooth out, placing it on the counter before the male cashier pulls out a carton of cigarettes to place on the same counter.)
"Oh, dear frickin' lord, that hurts!" Sean groaned, feeling a little squeamish on the inside.
"Crap, watching this, I should be thankful I brush my teeth every single day!" Lucas yelped a little in relief, "Someone call the tooth-fairy on his sorry ass!"
Narrator: What's a pack of smokes cost? Your teeth. Smoking can cause serious gum disease that makes you more likely to lose them.
(The male customer leaves after grabbing a box of cigarettes.)
Male cashier: *to the male customer* See you again.
Narrator: What are cigarettes costing you?
"Right now it's making me lose my frickin' lunch. Either way, I think I just had about enough of the skin-ripping and teeth pulling for one day." Sean gagged a bit before turning to the left for some reason, "What do you say?"
(A clip of Fire Emblem: Three Houses is playing featuring Linhardt.)
Linhardt Von Hevring (voiced by Chris Patton): Ugh. This is too much hassle. I'm leaving…
"Same here," Lucas nodded as he grabbed the remote, "Let's switch to something that won't get us sick…"
(TV Static transitions to: Hardee's Big Hardee commercial featuring Luther and Dauber from Coach from 1995)
(The commercial opens with Luther and Dauber, played by the late Jerry Van Dyke and Bill Fagerbakke, entering Coach Fox's office and they see his lunch from Hardee's sitting on his desk)
Luther Van Dam (Played by Jerry Van Dyke): What's this?
Dauber Dybinski (Played by Bill Fagerbakke): Coach's lunch.
"Okay, when your commercial opens with Luther and Dauber from Coach, then you know it's gotta be good." Sean said.
"And for all of you youngsters who haven't heard of the show Coach, then let me and Sean tell you about it." Lucas said.
(The title screen for the show "Coach" is shown, followed by a montage of clips playing while the theme music plays in the background)
Lucas: (Narrating) Coach is a show that aired on ABC from February 28th, 1989 to May 14th, 1997. The series stars Craig T. Nelson as Hayden Fox, the head coach for the Minnesota State University Screaming Eagles football team and in seasons eight and nine he coached the Orlando Breakers down in Florida. Coach Fox eats, sleeps and lives football.
Sean: (Narrating) The show also stars the late Jerry Van Dyke as assistant head coach Luther Van Dam, Patrick Star himself Bill Fagerbakke as special teams coach Michael "Dauber" Dybinski, Clare Carey as Coach Fox's daughter Kelly and Shelley Fabares as Coach Fox's girlfriend Christine Armstrong. And in later seasons Kenneth Kimmons and Howard Burleigh and Katherine Helmond as Doris Sherman.
Lucas: (Narrating) But enough about us talking about Coach, we have a Hardee's commercial featuring Luther and Dauber. We see that they enter Coach Fox's office and they spot his lunch from Hardee's sitting on his desk.
"I wonder what he's got in the bag. Probably something good like the Monster Angus Burger or the Super Star with Cheese." Sean said.
Luther Van Dam: Ooh, a Big Hardee! (Goes into the bag and grabs his sandwich)
"A Big Hardee. Their version of the Big Mac. But wait, it's the Big Hardee from the 90s." Lucas said.
"I wonder what he's going to do." Sean said.
"Knowing Luther, he's bound to do something stupid." Lucas said.
Dauber Dybinski: Oh, I don't think you should touch that.
Luther Van Dam: It sure smells good.
Dauber Dybinski: Oh yeah.
(Luther takes a bite out of the Big Hardee)
Dauber Dybinski: I don't think you should do that.
Luther Van Dam: (Eats) Mmm, good!
"Oh, Coach Fox is going to murder him for eating his lunch." Sean said.
"Dang, remember the time he spilled grape juice on Christine's floor?" Lucas asked.
"Oh, yeah. I remember that time." Sean said.
Announcer: The new Big Hardee. It's bigger. 66% more beef than the Big Mac, 33% more beef than the Whopper with lots of hot, juicy taste.
"Uh, yeah. I would rather prefer the Baconator from Wendy's." Lucas said.
"Same here. Man, a Baconator with a large fry and a chocolate Frosty sounds good right about now." Sean said.
(Dauber turns around and sees Coach Fox entering his office)
Dauber Dybinski: Uh-oh, Coach!
Luther Van Dam: (Passes the sandwich over to Dauber): Here you go.
"Damn, and he pins it on Dauber. What did he ever do to you?" Lucas asked. "If someone ate my lunch from Hardee's I would end up kicking their ass."
Sean: (Narrating) There were a couple more commercials featuring Luther and Dauber but this one is one of my favorites. And this was during the eighth season of Coach. And this was a time before Hardee's resorted to having extremely hot swimsuit models on their commercials.
Announcer: The new Big Hardee combo just $2.99.
"Wait, $2.99 for the Big Hardee combo. Damn! I wish there was a Hardee's in Cincinnati." Sean said.
"Who needs Hardee's when you can a hot and juicy Baconator from Wendy's." Lucas said.
"Oh, man. I know that Taylor wants me to go on a diet, but…. Screw the diet, let's go to Wendy's." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch.
"Yeah!" Lucas shouted.
Singers: Fresh from the kitchen at Hardee's.
(TV Static transitions to: Life Cereal's "Mikey Likes It" commercial from 1978)
(The commercial opens up with two small kids staring at a bowl of Life Cereal at the kitchen table.)
Sean (Narrating): Oh, now this commercial right here. I bet the rest of you who grew up right around the 70's know this one by now.
Lucas (Narrating): For those of you who weren't around in the 70s though, let alone existed after that decade ended, we'll have these these two kids tell it to you.
Small kid #1: What's this stuff?
Small kid #2: It's cereal. It's supposed to be good for you.
Small kid #1: Did you try it?
Small kid #2: I'm not gonna try it. You try it.
Small kid #1: Well, I'm not gonna try it.
(Small kid #1 pushes the cereal bowl away.)
"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EAT THE GODDAMN LIFE CEREAL ALREADY!?" Sean said, shouting on his megaphone.
"Same here," Lucas nodded out of boredom, "The patience is killing me."
Small kid #2: Let's get Mikey!
Small kid #1: Yeah!
(Small kid #2 pushes the cereal bowl over to a another kid named Mikey.)
Small kid #2: He won't eat it. He hates everything!
"Well, let's see if you're right, you little bastard." Lucas smirked to the camera.
(Mikey then digs in the cereal bowl and starts eating the cereal right away, leaving the two kids astonished.)
Small kid #2: He likes it! Hey, Mikey!
(Mikey then looks back to the kids with his spoon in his mouth.)
Sean (Narrating) No way! Can't believe he actually did it!
"Dude, this may be the most fearless kid that ever existed in both space AND time!" Lucas exclaimed, "I mean, when it comes to any type of food or any type of weird gross stuff, Mikey will literally try everything!"
"That's true." Sean nodded before saying, "But as he ever smoked the finest blunt no one dares smoke? I like to see him try that and see what he thinks. Just imagine his reaction…"
(Cutaway gag begins with both Sean and Lucas sitting on a couch with a rolled up 'doobie' laying on top of the coffee table.)
Lucas: *points to the doobie* What's that stuff?
Sean: Some weird joint I picked up from Amsterdam.
Lucas: You gonna try it?
Sean: I don't even know what it tastes like. How about you try it?
Lucas: No, I ain't trying that shit.
(Lucas then pulls the doobie right to the side.)
Sean: I know, we can get Mikey to try it out!
Lucas: I'm down with that. *looks to the right* Hey, Mikey! Come try this joint!
(All of a sudden, Brian appears from the right screen dressed up as Mikey from the Life Cereal commercial. He then picks up the doobie and smokes it right away, leaving both Sean and Lucas impressed and astonished.)
Sean: He likes it! Mikey likes it!
(Brian, or Mikey as he's dressed as then blows pot smoke in front of Sean and Lucas's faces, therefore ending the cutaway gag.)
"Fuck yeah, that'd be the stuff." Lucas nodded to the camera.
(A small clip of Life Cereal's Uncle Mikey commercial plays.)
Sean (Narrating) And wouldn't you know it? This also had a sequel in which he's a baby-sitter and he's letting the young kids he's watching into enjoying it as well.
"However, we're saving it for the next commercials special, which will be quite some time." Sean said to the camera as well.
(A clip of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic plays showing Rainbow Dash.)
Rainbow Dash (voiced by Ashleigh Ball): *angrily* Oh, come on!
"Oh, come now, Dashie." Lucas rolled his eyes before saying in reassurance, "You can wait for that. I mean, yeah, it will be a while before we get to Commercial VII, but trust me, it'll be epic."
"It's just like the Jack Daniels ad goes, 'The longer you wait, the better it gets'." Sean nodded, "That's life, and that's what all the people say."
Narrator: There are two kinds of Life Cereals to please all kinds of kids: Regular Life and Cinnamon Life.
(A picture of both Life and Cinnamon Life cereal boxes appear together.)
Narrator: Make Life Cereals part of your nutritious breakfast.
"And with little Mikey holding his silver spoon proud, this puts another Commercials special right in the books, ladies and gents." Sean nodded.
"It definitely had everything to fuel your nostalgic mind." Lucas nodded as well, "We gave you a daily dose of orange juice, burgers, popcorn, jell-O, Slim Jims, and little Mikey that you can provide and endure. And we all know you will like it!"
"That they did, Lucas. That they did." Sean said before saying to the camera, "So on behalf of UltimateWarriorFan4Ever, this is Sean the Mayhem Critic and now if you'll excuse me, here's a little random preview of what I'm planning next episode."
(A clip of The Goonies plays featuring Chunk doing the Truffle Shuffle.)
"Yeah, you know I went there!" Sean pointed to the camera.
Mayhem Critic Tagline - Blow it up and give it a whack!
Yikes, I'm not gonna lie, this felt like a long time to get this finished. But at least we got it done, that's what truly matters. We totally gotta figure out a way to get things done faster than this. That way I can get things done on time. Anyway, now that Commercials VI are done with, it's time to move on to summer! And we enter summer with the best movie to come out of 1985, "The Goonies", as a tribute to one of the best directors there ever was, Richard Donner. Will it live up to Mayhem Critic's standards or will it all blow up in Mayhem Critic's face, literally? Anyway, if you got any movie that you want to see the Mayhem Critic cover in the future, let me know by reviews or via PM. Any will do. 'Til next time, later!