The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker bringing you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. After that awesome review of Showdown in Little Tokyo, it's time for Sean the Mayhem Critic to take a look at the 2005 family comedy Yours, Mine and Ours, the remake of the 1968 film starring Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo and our favorite residential critic and he goes after the director of the movie. Anyway, sit back, relax and enjoy this hilarious review of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Yours, Mine and Ours is owned by Paramount Pictures, Metro Goldwyn Mayer, Nickelodeon Movies and Columbia Pictures.
Episode 122
Yours, Mine and Ours
The review opens as we see our favorite residential critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on the couch in his living room. He is seen wearing a blue shirt, denim shorts and a pair of blue and white Adidas sneakers. And also, he is sporting a haircut too. He takes a sip of pink lemonade that Taylor made before turning his attention to the camera and starting his introduction.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one… and sporting a bald head." Sean said, while rubbing his head. "Yes, I had hair, but it was getting hot so I had to use the clippers to cut it short so I could stay cool. But don't worry, it'll grow back. I'm not going to end up like the Nostalgia Critic and Cinema Snob. Okay, now where was I? Oh, right. Today's topic. Remember a little family film called Yours, Mine and Ours?"
(Footage from the 1968 version of Yours, Mine and Ours is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) If anyone has never heard of it, then let me tell you about it. The movie was released in theaters on April 24, 1968 and it was distributed by United Artists and produced by Desilu-Walden Productions. The movie was loosely based on the story of Frank and Helen Beardsley and Helen's autobiographical book titled "Who Gets the Drumstick?", which was published in 1965 and Desilu Productions bought the rights to the story before Beardsley's autobiography was released to bookstores. The film stars Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball and it was directed by Melville Shavelson. In the movie, Henry Fonda plays Navy Chief Warrant Officer Frank Beardsley, who meets Helen North, who's a civilian nurse working in the dispensary at NAS Alameda, the California U.S. Navy base to which Frank is assigned to. The two of them fall in love with each other and here's the thing: Frank has ten children and Helen has eight children, from previous marriages ended by their spouses' deaths. The movie also stars some up-and-coming stars who would go on to become big names in Hollywood like Tim Matheson from National Lampoon's Animal House, the executive producer of The Silence of the Lambs Gary Goetzman, Morgan Brittany from the show Dallas, Tracy Nelson from Square Pegs and Down and Out in Beverly Hills and Kimberly Beck from Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. The movie became a success and the Beardsleys appreciated it.
"So, thirty-seven years later, some numbnuts decided to remake the film. It blew." Sean said.
(The title screen for the 2005 remake is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Right Back Where We Started From (Nico Remix)" by Maxine Nightingale plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, what a disappointment of a remake. Yours, Mine & Ours was released in theaters on November 23, 2005. Yeah, the movie was released a month before Cheaper by the Dozen 2, which was released in theaters on December 21, 2005.
"Yeah, here's the thing… Cheaper by the Dozen 2 is Citizen Fucking Kane compared to Yours, Mine & Ours!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Here's something that they have in common, they both involve big families and with the 2003 remake of Cheaper by the Dozen was produced by the producer of Billy Madison, Robert Simonds, this one is also produced by Robert Simonds as well. Geez, that's two things that they have in common. With Cheaper by the Dozen, you have Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt as parents Tom and Kate Baker, you have Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo as Frank Beardsley and Helen North.
"Oh, come on! I can't make fun of Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo. They're pretty good actors and I love their work. I'm sure that they made some terrible film choices. Who am I supposed to make fun of? The director of this turkey?" Sean asked.
(A picture of the movie's director, Raja Gosnell, is shown)
"Oooh, I've been waiting all my life for this! And I'm about to rip this bozo a new one!" Sean yelled out as he picks up his baseball bat.
(More clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah! Out of all the directors that I've talked about on my show and I'm about to talk about this guy. We all know the quality of Raja Gosnell's movies, they tend to be pure crap. What can you expect from the guy who directed The Smurfs, Scooby-Doo and Beverly Hills Chihuahua? And yes, I was going to talk about Home Alone 3, Never Been Kissed, Big Momma's House and Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed but those four movies are awesome. Oh, did I mention that Raja Gosnell was the editor for Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York before he transitioned to director? Most of Gosnell's films tend to receive a generally negative reception from critics and yet they performed well at the box office.
"Well, let's not waste any time to rip this movie a new one and rip Mr. Gosnell a new one. This is Yours, Mine & Ours." Sean said.
(The movie opens with four production company logos)
Sean: (Narrating) So the film opens as we see that this movie was distributed by Paramount Pictures, MGM, Nickelodeon Movies and Columbia Pictures. Yeah, you know it's a bad sign that your movie is produced by four production companies.
"Oh, I'm sure you have a fifth logo to add to this movie. Maybe add the Sega logo at the end." Sean said.
(The Sega logo from Sonic the Hedgehog is shown)
Choir: Sega!
Sean: (Narrating) After we get our title screen, we're introduced to widowed U.S. Coast Guard rear admiral Frank Beardsley, played by Dennis Quaid, as we see him moving back to his hometown of New London, Connecticut.
"Imagine if he moved to Westport, Connecticut. Then, he'll have to be dealing with this lady." Sean said as a picture of Katie Otto from American Housewife is shown. "Let me not think about American Housewife before I end up going on a rant. How the hell do you cancel a successful show and leave it off with a cliffhanger? You motherfu…!"
Frank Beardsley (Played by Dennis Quaid): Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Move it! Move it! Move it!
Ethan Beardsley (Played by Ty Panitz): Move it! Move it! Move it!
Frank Beardsley: That means you too, Ethan. Head ashore, sailor.
Ethan Beardsley: Aye, aye, sir. Head ashore!
Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to Frank's eight kids from his previous marriage. His twin sons Ely and Otter played by Brecken and Bridger Palmer, his daughter Kelly played by Haley Ramm, his son Michael played by Tyler Patrick Jones, Harry played by Dean Collins, his oldest son William played by Detective Holbrook himself Sean Faris and his teenage daughter Christina played by Katija Pevec.
Frank Beardsley: Christina, we have just moved here. Who could you possibly be talking to?
Christina Beardsley (Played by Katija Pevec): . I wanna make sure they change all my shipping information.
Frank Beardsley: Sound off.
Christina Beardsley: (Turns her phone off) Three, four.
"Yeah, that's every teenage girl in a movie. She has to be attractive and popular and loves technology and shopping. That's like every teenage girl in every movie ever. What is she like Cher from Clueless?
(A clip from Clueless is shown)
Cher (Played by Alicia Silverstone): Ugh! As if!
Sean: (Narrating) He also has a housekeeper named Mrs. Munion, played by Linda Hunt. Wait what?
Frank Beardsley: Well, Mrs. Munion. What do you think of Connecticut?
Mrs. Munion (Played by Linda Hunt): I'm delighted to be here in the birthplace of Lyme Disease.
"Linda Hunt, ladies and gentlemen. You do know that she won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress for her role in The Year of Living Dangerously? Why is she in this movie? But then again, she did star in David Lynch's Dune." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) As they get settled in to their new house, Harry is feeling a little bummed out about moving and Frank talks to him in his own very special way
Harry Beardsley (Played by Dean Collins): Hey, I didn't hear anything about that guarantee.
Frank Beardsley: Well, son. You know the life of a military brat. New places, new adventures…
Harry Beardsley: This isn't our last move, is it?
William Beardsley (Played by Sean Faris): No, this is just one stopover on our way to D.C. Someday our dad is gonna be commandant of the entire U.S. Coast Guard.
Frank Beardsley: Someday, I am gonna be the commandant of the entire U.S. Coast Guard so don't piss me off. Unpack your suitcase.
Harry Beardsley: Yes, sir.
"Look, I don't care if this is a PG movie, watch the language. We don't need the children to learn bad language from you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the other side of the neighborhood as Frank drives past a pink house with a pig carrying around a pizza
Ethan Beardsley: Admiral, look at that!
(A cat and two dogs run out of the house chasing the pig named Fiona while two kids run out of the house to go after the pig)
Frank Beardsley: It looks like a nuthouse.
Ethan Beardsley: It looks like fun.
"It looks like the boarding house from Hey Arnold!, you got Abner the Pig running out of the house with a pizza while being chased by two dogs and a cat while Arnold and Gerald go after him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This nuthouse happens to be the home of Helen North, played by Rene Russo. Helen is a widowed handbag designer who takes a more relaxed approach to life. With Frank having eight kids, Helen has ten kids. Four biological kids and six adopted kids and it consists of her adoptive daughter Naoko played by Miki Ishikawa, her daughter Phoebe played by Danielle Panabaker, her adoptive son Lau played by Andrew Vo, her adoptive twin daughters Bina and Marisa played by Jennifer and Jessica Habib, her son Mick played by Slade Pearce, her adoptive son Aldo played by Nicholas Roget-King, her adoptive son Jimi played by Lil' JJ, her youngest daughter Joni played by Miranda Cosgrove and her teenage son Dylan played by…
Bina and Marisa North (Played by Jennifer and Jessica Habib): (While Dylan is spray painting their roses) He's painting out roses again.
Dylan North (Played by Drake Bell): It's art.
"Oooh. Why me? Out of all of the movies that I'm reviewing, and this one has that pedophile in it. Why didn't I review Leonard Part 6? That movie would be easy for me to rip apart. Plus, I got a bunch of Bill Cosby jokes for it." Sean said.
Jimi North (Played by Lil' JJ): You can't call it art unless you have talent.
"No, but Drake Bell's talent is telling underage girls to open up their thighs." Sean said.
Joni North (Played by Miranda Cosgrove): Mom, there's something wrong with my sax.
Helen North (Played by Rene Russo): What is it, honey?
(Joni play her saxophone. The sound of the saxophone blaring is replaced by the song "Leave It All to Me" by Miranda Cosgrove)
Helen North: Okay, I'll… I'll be right back.
Phoebe North (Played by Danielle Panabaker): Sounds the same to me.
(Joni sticks her tongue out at Phoebe. Phoebe sticks her tongue out at Joni)
"Okay, that'll be an awesome Death Battle. Carly Shay from iCarly versus Caitlin Snow a.k.a. Frost from The Flash." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, just a quick recap: you have Detective Holbrook from Pretty Little Liars, Carly Shay from iCarly, Lauren Zelmer from Just For Kicks, Jordan Lewis from Just Jordan, Missy Robinson from iCarly, Caitlin Snow from The Flash and that pedophile Drake Parker from Drake and Josh.
"I swear to God if Rip Torn is in this movie." Sean said.
Phoebe North: Okay, can you please explain to me why you just let that very single guy out of here without even asking for a date?
Helen North: Oh, Phoebe, what guy could possibly deal with all of this?
"Well, I'm sure it's not Mel Gibson." Sean said. "Damn Trump supporter."
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Frank arriving to the Naval base where he works at and he runs into his buddy Captain Darrell Edwards, played by David Koechner, and he asks him if he's dating at all yet and he knows a terrific gal that he would love to set him up with.
Captain Darrell Edwards (Played by David Koechner): I know you'd like her. She's too good for me.
Frank Beardsley: No, Darrell. No, thanks.
Captain Darrell Edwards: All right. Well, just think about it, that's all I'm saying.
Frank Beardsley: I'll think about it.
Captain Darrell Edwards: All right.
"Setting up your best friend with some chick that he would like. Yeah, how bad will this date go?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So the next night, we see that Helen is getting ready to go out on her date with this guy named Max while Frank is getting himself ready to go out on a date with a woman that his friend has set him up with.
Christina Beardsley: Okay, but hold off on that eight kid thing.
Frank Beardsley: Why?
William Beardsley: Because that's a minimum third-date, second-bottle-of-wine announcement.
Frank Beardsley: Hey, you know, believe it or not, I have been on a few dates before. A couple of decades ago.
Ethan Beardsley: Admiral?
Frank Beardsley: Yeah. Ethan, do you know that you can call me Dad?
Ethan Beardsley: Oh. Admiral, is this lady gonna be our new mom?
Frank Beardsley: I don't think so. It's just a blind date.
Ely Beardsley (Played by Brecken Palmer): She can't see?
Otter Beardsley (Played by Bridger Palmer): Can she navigate using sonar, like a bat?
"Kid, that's not what a blind date is. The woman is not blind and she doesn't navigate using sonar. That would be insane." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Frank goes on his date with this woman named Claudia, played by Jenica Begere. And here's the thing about blind dates… it's a bad idea and plus, here's the thing about Claudia….
Claudia (Played by Jenica Begere): Darrell would drink beer with everything. I mean, if he could have a keg with dinner, he would./See? Now that is the kind of thing that would drive Darrell crazy. "You're here now," he'd say, "So take our order!"
Frank Beardsley: You, uh, talk about Darrell a lot.
Claudia: Well, yeah. We were married for seven years. He didn't tell you that?
"Turns out that Claudia was married to his friend Darrell for seven years. Man, what a boatload of stupid." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So while Claudia heads to the restroom, Helen arrives with her date Max, played by Jerry O'Connell, and Frank spots her and recognizes her. Helen sees Frank and recognizes him and the two of them have an unexpected encounter with each other.
Frank Beardsley: Helen?
Helen North: Frank.
Frank Beardsley: Helen?
Helen North: Frank Beardsley. Well, what are you…
Frank Beardsley: What are you…
Helen North: No, you first.
Frank Beardsley: No, you go first.
(Helen laughs)
Helen North: Well, I'm having dinner with my…
Max Algrant (Played by Jerry O'Connell): Hi, Frank. Max Algrant.
Frank Beardsley: (Shakes Max's hand) Pleased to meet you.
"You're not going to start singing again, are you?" Sean said, referencing Jerry O'Connell singing in Scream 2.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank and Helen get reacquainted with each other as they explain what's going on in their lives and all that good stuff. And since it's a movie directed by Raja Gosnell, here's some goofy slapstick.
(Frank ends up bumping into a waiter and Helen misses her seat by falling to the floor)
Max Algrant: Were you distracted by his good-conduct medal?
Helen North: Shut up, Max.
"Because really, Raja Gosnell's style of comedic timing in family movies is hilarious. Shoot me right now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After their respective dates, Frank looks up Helen on Google while we see Helen looking through her high school yearbook to come across a photo of the two of them at prom. The next day, Darrell asks Frank how'd his date go with his ex-wife Claudia, but then Frank changes the subject when he tells Darrell that he ran into Helen.
Captain Darrell Edwards: Helen White? Wait a minute. The Helen White? The one you were gonna marry? Well, it's either fate or trouble
Frank Beardsley: She looked great, but I think she's married. She was with some guy and she had a ring.
Captain Darrell Edwards: Okay, that's trouble. Come on, Frank, what are you thinking?
Frank Beardsley: I don't know. I was up all night. I was Googling her.
Captain Darrell Edwards: Jeez, Frank, you Googled another man's wife?
Frank Beardsley: Yeah. What do you think that means?
"It means that you're a stark-raving pervert and you want to tap that nice cougar booty." Sean said.
Frank Beardsley: I just wish there was a place I could run into her again.
"And stupid unexpected coincidence coming in at 5, 4, 3, 2…" Sean said.
(We cut to the New London Class Reunion, where Frank sees Helen once again)
"And what do you know? You ran into the woman that you were going to marry at your high school reunion. Hell, like I ran into an old flame at my high school reunion. Mostly because I didn't go last year due to the pandemic and some of my friends who I went to high school with did go to the reunion." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, the two of them relieve some great memories that they shared together. Helen explains to Frank that her and Max aren't dating because he saw the ring on her finger. She never took it off due to the fact that her husband passed away about four years ago in a car accident. Also, Frank lost his wife a few years ago. The two of them share a dance together and Helen asks him an important question.
Helen North: So, how many kids do you have?
Frank Beardsley: Uh, how many kids do you have?
Helen North: You first.
Frank Beardsley: Okay, look, you're gonna find out eventually because there's too many to hide in the closet. I have eight kids.
(Helen laughs)
Helen North: I have 10.
(A stunned look appears on Frank's face)
Frank Beardsley: You have 10?
Helen North: I have 10. (Laughs)
Frank Beardsley: You don't.
Helen North: I do. I have 10.
Frank Beardsley: Did you say 10?
Helen North: (Laughs) Yeah.
(Frank and Helen both laugh)
"Looks like they're taking it pretty well. If he told another woman that he had 8 kids, then she would freak out. But with Helen, oh she has ten kids and he has eight. You're perfect for each other." Sean said.
Helen North: Is this really happening?
Frank Beardsley: I hope so.
(Frank smiles right before him and Helen kiss. Then, the words "A Few Minutes Later…" pops up on screen)
Narrator: A few minutes later…
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We cut to one of the cabins of the cruise ship with a door that has a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the doorknob as we hear Sean and Taylor provide moans for Frank and Helen having sex and other wild and goofy noises including bed banging sound effects)
Sean: (V/O as Frank) Marry me.
Taylor: (V/O as Helen) Okay, I will.
Sean: (V/O as Frank) Let's hope that our children react to the news.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) So Frank and Helen break the news to their children that they got married in a private ceremony and the Beardsley and North kids aren't taking it pretty well.
Jimi North: Are you crazy?
(The North kids start shouting as Helen takes the talking stick from Jimi as the children quiet down)
Helen North: Okay. Quiet. I have the talking stick. He's a lovely, lovely man. And I'm sorry that we didn't include you. And he has…
(Cut to the Beardsleys)
Beardsley Kids: Ten kids?
(All talking)
Frank Beardsley: Hey, guys.
Christina Beardsley: No. There's no way. Let's make this…
Frank Beardsley: (Yells) GUYS! It'll be fun… having 10 new brothers and sisters.
"Don't worry, guys. Having ten new brothers and sisters will be much fun. It'll be much fun than the time I did Jaws 3." Sean said, imitating Frank Beardsley.
Sean: (V/O as Ethan) Admiral, how come you starred in Jaws 3?
"Ethan, I told you to never ask me that question ever again. Just be glad that it wasn't Jaws: The Revenge." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So with Frank and Helen now married, they move their families into a new home on the same property where they shared their first kiss, along with some of the North's pets and Mrs. Munion and I have to say, that is an awesome-looking house that they're moving in.
"I still say that the Baker house from Cheaper By the Dozen is way better than their house." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After moving into their new home, the Beardsley and North Kids get assigned to their room and they immediately do not get along with each other.
Lau North (Played by Andrew Vo): (Notices Michael's Boy Scout badge) Hey, what's that badge for? It's pretty cool.
Michael Beardsley (Played by Tyler Patrick Jones): Animal skinning. (Sharpens his knife)
Lau North: Mom!
(We cut to William and Dylan in their room as William is organizing some stuff while Dylan is playing his guitar)
William Beardsley: Done!
Dylan North: You have an illness.
(Dylan picks up a can of spray paint as he paints the wall)
William Beardsley: Hey! What are you doing?
Dylan North: It's called decorating.
William Beardsley: No, that's called vandalism.
Dylan North: Whatever.
(We then cut to Christina and Phoebe in their room as Christina and Phoebe hang some stuff on their walls. Christina hanging up her cheerleader awards on her wall and Phoebe hanging some African masks and butterflies on her wall)
Christina and Phoebe: (Both) No way.
(Fiona enters the room)
Mick North (Played by Slade Pearce): Come back, Fiona. Come back. Spit it. Spit it out! Come on, spit it out!
Christina Beardsley: What is going on?
(Christina hears her phone ringing)
Mick North: Come on. Give it to me.
Christina Beardsley: Where's my cell phone?
(Fiona burps and snorts)
Christina Beardsley: You are so dead!
Mick North: She's just a pig.
Christina Beardsley: Not the pig. You.
Mick North: Uh-oh.
(Mick runs out of the room with Christina chasing him)
Mick North: Mom, the cheerleader's after me!
"And this is why I'm an only child and why my mom never remarried. Because of shit like this." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While dealing with a bunch of bickering children under one roof, Frank and Helen decide to take the whole family out sailing so that their kids could get along with each other.
Frank Beardsley: Coming about!
Jimi North: Come a what?
(Frank sails the boat while the kids duck down from the sail. Helen ends up squirting suntan lotion on her face and screams)
Frank Beardsley: Wasn't anybody listening when I gave my briefing about standard nautical procedure?
Helen North: I have sunscreen in my eye, sweetie.
Frank Beardsley: Oh, well, let's go below. We'll wash it out.
"I have a dirty joke planned but, eh I'm not feeling it." Sean said.
Kelly Beardsley (Played by Haley Ramm): Get that camera away from me.
Naoko North (Played by Miki Ishikawa): But I'm capturing the verite of life at sea.
Harry Beardsley: How about capturing my fist in your face?
"Yeah, that's how I feel every time when someone shoves a camera right in my face." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And just like every family movie, hijinks ensues as the Beardsley kids pull a prank on Dylan, then Lau gets seasick and pukes on the boat because vomit is hilarious, which leads to this.
Dylan North: (Chases Michael) You better run for it.
(Michael slip and lands on Lau's vomit as it splatters all over)
Christina Beardsley: Oh, gross!
Frank Beardsley: What's going on?
William Beardsley: Coming about!
(Frank sees the sail coming right towards him as the screen freezes on Frank and it turns black and white)
Sean: (V/O as Announcer) It was at this very moment that Admiral Frank Beardsley knew… he fucked up.
(Frank gets hit by the sail and gets knocked into the water)
Frank Beardsley: William! Come about!
"Man overboard! Quick, throw a lifesaver!" Sean exclaimed.
Helen North: What's going on? (Sees Frank in the water and screams)
Frank Beardsley: I'm fine, sweetie.
Helen North: Is this standard nautical procedure?
Frank Beardsley: No.
"Could you please bring the boat around? I'm having flashbacks to Jaws 3." Sean said, imitating Frank once more.
Sean: (Narrating) While the kids are asleep, Frank and Helen get ready for bed and dealing with marital bliss, plus you know what that means.
(Sexy porno music plays in the background)
Helen North: I'll show you okay.
Frank Beardsley: Oh, yeah?
(Frank throws Helen on the bed)
Helen North: Maybe if we're really, really quiet. Okay?
Phoebe North: A little quieter.
Frank Beardsley: Maybe if we're really, really, really…
Helen North: Quiet. Yeah.
(Frank and Helen kiss, then the scene transitions to Frank and Helen in bed with Bina, Marissa, Lau, Ely, Otter, Ethan, a dog and a cat as the record screeches)
"Well, damn. That moment was ruined. I was hoping to see Rene Russo naked. But we can't because this is a PG-rated movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So the next day, the Beardsley and Norths enjoy life as a family as the kids sit at the table to enjoy their breakfast. But before they head off to school, there is one thing they need to do.
(Frank, Helen and their children are huddled together)
Frank Beardsley: Everybody ready?
Helen North: Yeah.
(Frank presses a button on the answering machine to record their message)
Frank Beardsley: Hi, you've reached Frank.
Helen North: Helen.
Harry Beardsley: Harry.
Bina North: Bina.
Naoko North: Naoko.
Michael Beardsley: Michael.
Aldo North (Played by Nicholas Roget-King): Aldo.
Joni North: Joni.
Phoebe North: Phoebe.
William Beardsley: William.
Otter Beardsley: Otter.
Ely Beardsley: Ely.
Christina Beardsley: Christina.
Ethan Beardsley: Ethan.
Mick North: Mick.
(The machine beeps, ending the message)
All: Oh!
"Yeah, don't you just hate it when the answering machine cuts you off while your trying to record your message. Besides, you should've made it short and simple. For example." Sean said as he held his phone up.
Sean's Voicemail: Hi, this is Sean. I'm not able to come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number and I will contact you as soon as I can. Thank you.
"See? You could've done that instead of trying to rush your names into one message." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, the Beardsley and North children have their first day of school and I just love that little bit where you have all the kids on one short bus like it's a clown car and the reaction from the two girls afterwards was hilarious. Along the way, Ely and Otter have an encounter with some bullies and one of them is played by a young Mateo Arias.
Bully Kid #1 (Played by Mateo Arias): Hey, are you the freaks?
Bully Kid #2 (Played by Jaelin Palmer): I heard you have, like, 25 brothers and sisters.
Ely Beardsley: No, we just have 16.
Bully Kid #3 (Played by Connor Mattheus): Nasty.
Bully Kid #1: Dude, I hear they all sleep in drawers!
Bully Kid #4 (Played by Jordan Wright): And they're so poor, they all have to share one pair of underpants!
(The bully kids laugh as Ely and Otter ignore them and walk away)
Bully Kid #1: Eighteen kids! Man, that's like The Brady Bunch!
Bully Kid #4: Times three. Wait! Party of Five times three, plus My Three Sons.
(The bully kids look at the other bully kid)
Bully Kid #4: What? I like math.
"Okay, you like math, kid. Let's see if you could answer this: how many bullets will be used on you little sons of bitches?" Sean asked as he picks up his pistol. "I don't tolerate bullies around these parts. And really? Using old nostalgic TV shows as math problems? You're getting an extra bullet, dude."
Sean: (Narrating) Aside from Ely and Otter getting picked on by some bullies, Christina has to put up with her new stepsister Phoebe.
Christina Beardsley: (While Phoebe is singing) Unbelievable. Not only do I have to listen to it at home but I'm forced to catch the road show.
(A sound of a cat hissing is heard in the background)
Phoebe North: Well, not all music needs back-up dancers.
(Another sound of a cat hissing is heard in the background)
Christina Beardsley: Just the good music.
(A cute boy walks past Christina)
Nick De Pietro (Played by Josh Henderson): Hey.
Christina Beardsley: Hey!
Phoebe North: Forget about it.
Christina Beardsley: What are you talking about?
Phoebe North: Look, I've known Nick for years. He's cute, but totally shallow. Then again, maybe he is your type.
"OHHHHHHHHH! DAMN! Okay, if we get an extremely hot Dynasty-style catfight between Christina and Phoebe in this PG-rated movie, then we're in for a real treat." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Christina complains to William about Phoebe, but William has a plan by making a few changes to the schedule that their father made. Unauthorized changes that will probably get him thrown in the brig. And that involves the Beardsley Kids hogging the bathroom and making the North Kids suffer.
Phoebe North: Your face isn't big enough to hold that much makeup.
Christina Beardsley: Get a watch, hippie chick. It's my time.
Joni North: She's right. Our time was first.
Phoebe North: No way. I checked the schedule last night. Those evil preppies must have changed it.
Lau North: We should pound them!
Dylan North: To me, nothing says "time to get out of the bathroom" like…
(We cut to Dylan holding a piece of paper that's on fire underneath the fire alarm, setting it off)
Dylan North: (Yells) Fire!
(The Beardsley Kids run out of the bathroom in a panic as they hurry downstairs and out of the house)
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean sitting in the bathtub having a relaxing bubble bath while relaxing, calming music plays on his phone. He opens his eyes, only to wake up from the sound of the commotion)
Sean: (Yells) Hey, shut the fuck up! I'm trying to relax here! This is my time!
(Sean closes his eyes and relaxes in the tub)
Sean: (Sighs) Kids.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Their elaborate prank sends the Beardsley Kids running out of the house so they could have the bathroom all to themselves.
Phoebe North: Nice towel, Christina.
Dylan North: Yeah, cute boxers, William.
Christina Beardsley: You guys are so dead.
Phoebe North: At least we'll be clean.
Naoko North: (While filming them with her camera) Can I get the two of you guys closer together?
William Beardsley: Naoko, what are you doing?
Naoko North: Webcasting.
(Christina screams and runs back into the house)
Sean: (V/O as Christina) Oh, no! My social status will be ruined!
Sean: (Narrating) Helen then introduces the talking stick to the children so they could talk out their feelings instead of turning it into a scene from Bloodsport. Frank's kids have no use for the talking stick. Probably because it is fucking stupid to be using talking stick.
Frank Beardsley: Wait. One of you must have something to say.
"Uh, I do. Could you hand me the talking stick?" Sean said as someone hands him the talking stick. "Yes, I would like to say that this is the stupidest fucking idea ever and you should take that talking stick and shove it up your ass real hard!"
Frank Beardsley: In the interest of making this house a home. I have come up with a little chore chart.
(Frank reveals the chore chart)
Jimi North: You've gotta be kidding me.
Dylan North: Is this a joke?
Michael Beardsley: Charts are never a joke with the Admiral.
"Hey, the Beardsleys take their chores seriously." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile at school, Christina is taking a nice walk until she comes across something shocking.
(Christina sees Phoebe making out with Nick De Pietro)
Christina Beardsley: What are you doing?
Phoebe North: Hey, Christina.
Christina Beardsley: You lied to me. You said he was a loser.
Phoebe North: He is a loser.
Nick De Pietro: Hey!
Phoebe North: A very hot loser.
Nick De Pietro: Cool.
Christina Beardsley: Thanks for the warning, Sis. I'll be sure to return the favor, first chance I get.
(The intro to the 1980s version of the show Dynasty is shown with some of the characters from Yours, Mine and Ours in the main credits while the theme music to Dynasty by Bill Conti plays)
"Okay, hold on. When did this movie all of a sudden turn into friggin' Dynasty?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, you have two beautiful girls and one girl catches the other girl making out with some hot guy. And the two of them are close to having a catfight with each other.
"Oh, wait. When Frank and Helen decided to get fucking married!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So, the family goes shopping for some supplies at Costco and Ely and Otter decided to annoy Joni by throwing a ball around.
Joni North: You guys, stop that!
Otter Beardsley: I didn't hit you.
(Otter throws the orange ball and hits Joni in the face with it)
Joni North: Hey.
Otter Beardsley: Give it back.
Joni North: You want the ball? (Throws the ball)
(The scene transitions to a clip from iParty With Victorious as we see Freddie get hit in the back with an orange, knocking him out of his seat as Carly raises her arms up)
Carly Shay (Played by Miranda Cosgrove): Boomba.
Sean: (Narrating) Ely and Otter chase after their orange ball and they come across a forklift in which they drive on. Frank and Helen sees this happening as Frank chases after them without getting himself killed.
(Music starts playing in the background)
Sean: (Sings) This is the song written for the store scene. This is one big crazy family. They tried to kill me with a forklift.
(Ely and Otter spin around in the forklift with Frank still hanging on)
Frank Beardsley: Pull the…
Sean: (Narrating) Frank ends up falling into a pool of Nickelodeon slime. Because it's not a Nickelodeon Movie unless you add their trademark slime to it. Oh, yeah and they try to kill him with a forklift too. So after his brush with the Angel of Death, Frank and Helen spend some time together in the lighthouse.
Frank Beardsley: Have I ever told you the story of the beautiful lighthouse keeper?
Helen North: The beautiful lighthouse keeper? No. I think I would have remembered that.
Frank Beardsley: Well, once upon a time, there was a beautiful lighthouse keeper.
Helen North: Wait, wait. I thought that lighthouse keepers were old men in yellow raincoats with long white beards.
Frank Beardsley: Oh, no. This one was a real hottie. She had long red hair. She was tall…
Helen North: Yeah.
Frank Beardsley: ...and her body, it was the bomb.
"And that woman was an amazing mega MILF too." Sean said, imitating Frank. "No, I'm not kidding. For a woman who's in her 50s, Rene Russo still looks hot."
Sean: (Narrating) The kids are busy doing some fixing up and doing some painting while the younger children are busy playing, Frank and Helen can finally get some alone time together while Mrs. Munion is in charge.
(We see Mrs. Munion pouring herself a Martini while watching some WWE on TV)
"Yeah, now there's a respectable nanny that would watch over the children. Dealing with 18 kids will cause her to drink." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Mrs. Munion is busy watching wrestling and drinking a Martini, chaos ensues when Michael drops his shoe in a bucket of paint, causing it to splatter on Harry and Naoko, which leads to Harry throwing paint on Christina, which leads to Christina getting paint on Phoebe and Phoebe getting paint on Christina. Then, you get Ely and Otter ruining Bina and Marisa's garden leading to a water and mud fight and Aldo and Ethan fighting over a Rescue Hero toy.
"You know what would make this scene really better? If we added some awesome music to it. In fact, I present to you Yours, Mine & Ours: Yakuza Kiwami 2 Edition." Sean said.
(The scene plays as Michael drops a shoe into a paint bucket, splattering paint on Harry and Naoko while the track "Heading to Kamurocho Hills" from Yakuza Kiwami 2 plays in the background)
Harry Beardsley: Hey!
Naoko North: Watch it, jerk. (Sprays water on Harry)
(Harry throws paint on Naoko)
Harry Beardsley: Loser!
Naoko North: (Sprays water on Harry) Goofer.
Harry Beardsley: Hey, get back here.
(Harry splatters some paint on Christina)
Christina Beardsley: You did not just splatter me with paint.
Phoebe North: What are you talking about?
(Christina shows the paint splatter on her arm to Phoebe)
Phoebe North: Is that my shirt?
Christina Beardsley: The one that you just got paint on? Yeah, thank God.
(Phoebe grabs Christina)
Phoebe North: Take it off.
Christina Beardsley: Hey!
(Christina gets paint on Phoebe as the two of them start having a paint fight before cutting to Ely and Otter running over Bina and Marisa's garden with their toy trucks)
Bina North: Hey, it's not a construction pit.
Ely Beardsley: You're not the boss of us.
Bina North: Oh, yeah?
(Bina sprays Ely and Otter with water while Ely and Otter throw mud at them. We then cut to Aldo and Ethan playing with their toys in their room as Ethan takes Aldo's Rescue Hero toy)
Aldo North: Hey, that's my Rescue Hero.
Ethan Beardsley: I want it.
Aldo North: Give it back. (Throws a toy block at Ethan)
Ethan Beardsley: Ow!
Joni North: What's that noise?
(We see the words "North Children" in Yakuza-style font as the fight ensues)
"See? Much better and it brings out the hype." Sean said.
(Frank and Helen return home to see their children fighting)
Frank Beardsley: Whoa! Stop!
(Frank slides on some paint and lands face first in it as Helen gasps)
Frank Beardsley: You wrecked the house, you trashed the yard and you painted the pig.
(Fiona the Pig is shown with blue paint on her)
Frank Beardsley: You turned a 200-year-old panel foyer into a Jackson… uh…
Helen North: Pollock.
Frank Beardsley: Pollock!
Phoebe North: It was her fault for wearing my shirt…
Frank Beardsley: I am not finished!
"Interrupt me again, and I swear I will destroy you before you even start in The Flash." Sean said, imitating Frank.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank suggests for the kids to pretend that they like each other until they actually do or he will bring the hammer down.
Aldo North: Is it a real hammer?
Helen North: No, no. That's just a metaphor.
Aldo North: I'm scared.
Frank Beardsley: Don't be scared, Aldo. Don't be scared.
Aldo North: I am.
Ethan Beardsley: Should I go get the hammer, sir?
Frank Beardsley: It's not a real hammer. It's just a pretend hammer. I only said that for effect.
Helen North: Now, we'd like you to all think about what we just said. Except for maybe the part about the hammer.
Frank Beardsley: Yeah, forget the hammer. Let's just… (Sighs) Let's just get started cleaning this place up.
Helen North: But first, let's have a group hug.
"Get in for a group hug or she's gonna get her son Thor to strike you down with his hammer." Sean said, referencing Rene Russo in the movie Thor.
Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, the Beardsley Kids and the North Kids meet up in the lighthouse as they call a truce and unite against their parents. And in order to do that, they have to stop fighting and get them to start fighting and how do they do that, by putting a pig in bed with Frank, making a mess all over the bathroom sink, resetting the radio station with military stuff and adding meat into the refrigerator. Also, they freak Frank out by having Aldo and Ethan dress up as girls. Hell, they even cross the line by having Ethan and Aldo drawing on Frank's chalkboard, which really pisses off Frank.
Frank Beardsley: That was very naughty.
Helen North: What's happening? Uh-oh. Boys, I don't think that was a good idea, do you?
Ethan and Aldo: No.
Helen North: But that was very important to your father so you need to say you're sorry.
Ethan and Aldo: Sorry.
Helen North: Okay, now go on and play.
Frank Beardsley: Whoa, whoa! That's it? "Go play"?
Helen North: Well, they're four years old, Frank. What else is there? The hammer?
"I mean, come on. Look at them. They're adorable. You can't punish them." Sean said.
Frank Beardsley: There are other…
Kelly Beardsley: A spanking?
Helen North: No, honey, of course not. We don't spank our children.
Ely Beardsley: The Admiral does.
(Ethan nods his head as Helen turns to Frank and gives him a look)
Helen North: (Mouths) What?
Frank Beardsley: Occasionally, a little pat on the butt sends a clear message.
Helen North: Well, you're not spanking my children.
Frank Beardsley: I thought that they were our children.
Helen North: You're not spanking our children.
"Yeah, there's no way in hell that you're going to spank your children in front of her. Have you ever seen her in Lethal Weapon 3?" Sean asked.
(We cut to a clip of Rene Russo as Lorna Cole in Lethal Weapon 3 beating up a bunch of goons)
Sean: (Narrating) After their little fight and the children being happy that their plan worked, we cut to Frank in Washington D.C., where he meets the Commandant of the Coast Guard Admiral Sherman, played by Rip Torn?!
Frank Beardsley: I take my work very seriously, sir.
Admiral Sherman (Played by Rip Torn): And don't think that the brass hasn't noticed.
Frank Beardsley: The brass, sir?
We cut back to Sean, who's looking shocked to see Rip Torn in the movie.
Admiral Sherman: I just don't like giving direct compliments. Something about it feels unmanly.
Frank Beardsley: Well, thank you.
Admiral Sherman: Oh, what the hell. (Hugs Frank and picks him up) Goldarn, I'm proud of you, Frank. You deserve everything you're about to get.
"I can't believe it! I was only kidding about Rip Torn being in the movie. I wasn't expecting to see him in it. God, was he ripped and torn when he did this movie? Rip, come on, man. I know you. What were you thinking?" Sean asked.
(A picture of Rip Torn is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Rip Torn) I'm a movie actor. You have to pay the fucking price to film me.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank returns home from his meeting as him and Helen make up as she shares some news about her making a giant deal with Saks Fifth Avenue.
Frank Beardsley: You did not!
Helen North: I did too.
Frank Beardsley: That's great news. Oh, that's fantastic. (Hugs Helen) I'm so proud of you.
Helen North: I couldn't wait to tell you.
Frank Beardsley: Great. Well, how could I help you? What can I do around here to help you?
Helen North: I'm set.
Frank Beardsley: You need help organizing the studio?
Helen North: No, no. The studio is organized.
Frank Beardsley: Of course it is, yeah. Well, I'll think of something.
"How about we fool around for a while without any distractions?" Sean asked, imitating Frank.
"Frank, the kids are awake." Taylor said, imitating Helen.
"Damn it. This is definitely going to be a blue Christmas." Sean said, imitating Frank once more.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank tells the kids that their mother is going to be busy over the next couple of days so he wants everyone to be on their best behavior and make sure that there is no bloodshed involved. But the older kids have a plan to break up the lovely couple which involves organization and laundry as Helen goes to her office to find that everything has been organized, which she doesn't take it too well when she goes off on the kids.
Helen North: Why would anybody do this?
Ethan Beardsley: But it's clean.
Helen North: No, honey, I can't work with clean. I have a deadline. Oh, my God, I'll never be able to find anything. My Ultrasuede used to be here, right beneath the blue fur. Do you remember that? Where's my fake alligator skin?
Christina Beardsley: We thought we'd surprise you.
"Man, that's how I feel when I try to work on a review… even though it takes forever for me to write." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank sees that Helen's office has been organized and she gets livid with him and the two of them have an argument with each other before going to bed.
Helen North: You know, you were gonna spank the boys over wrecking your silly organizational chart but I'm not allowed to be upset about my studio.
Frank Beardsley: I was not going to spank them. And charts are not silly. Do you know what happens to a ship in chaos? It sinks.
"Just take a look at the Titanic. The ship sunk due to an iceberg." Sean said.
Frank Beardsley: I just thought that you would work better in a clean studio.
Helen North: I knew it! I knew you put them up to it.
Frank Beardsley: I most certainly did not!
Helen North: No, maybe not directly, but in that whole orderly, military… regimented brainwashing thing.
Frank Beardsley: You left out anal-retentive.
Sean sips his lemonade and immediately does a spit take from hearing Frank's line.
"Watch it, Quaid! This is a family movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after their fight, Frank ends up sleeping in the younger kids' room. But aside from working together to break up Frank and Helen, the kids' gradually begin to bond by attending Kelly's soccer game. Then, William comes up with Phase 2 of Operation: Split Them Apart.
William Beardsley: I think that we just need one more big thing to push them over the edge.
Dylan North: Oh, uh, have them catch you and Phoebe together?
Christina Beardsley: You're really sick.
"Hey, they have fanfics about William and Phoebe on Fanfiction. Oh, yeah. I went there." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So with the Commandant coming this weekend, their parents are going to the trustees' dinner and Mrs. Munion has the weekend off, I think you've probably know where this is going.
Dylan North: Two words, "par" and "ty."
(Christina just stares at Dylan)
Dylan North: Party.
Christina Beardsley: (Smiles) Yeah, I've got that.
"Party is one word, you dumb shit. Get it right." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This is the perfect plan because Helen won't care but Frank's gonna hate it. But before they get to work, they got to help out William put up some flyers around school for everyone to vote for him for President. Class President.
William Beardsley: This could actually help get me elected.
Dylan North: Yeah. Somebody might actually think you're cool… if you're funny.
(William glares at Dylan)
William Beardsley: That's funny.
"Hey William, you know what would be very cool? If you played as Kyo Kusanagi in that god awful King of Fighters movie. Yeah, you'll join Justin Chatwin in the "White Guys Playing Asians in Movies Based on a Popular Video Game or TV Show" category." Sean said as a picture of Sean Faris as Kyo Kusanagi in King of Fighters is shown in the right corner and a picture of Justin Chatwin as Goku in Dragonball Evolution is shown in the left corner.
Sean: (Narrating) Frank and Helen get ready to leave for the trustees' dinner and the two of them on the warpath with each other, Phoebe asks her mother if her and William could have a few friends over while the little ones are indulging themselves with some popcorn, Cheetos, Oreos, marshmallows, Barqs Root Beer and candy. Meanwhile at the trustees' dinner, Admiral Sherman makes his toast.
Admiral Sherman: I wanna thank Admiral Beardsley and his wife Helen for this wonderful evening. (Holds his wine glass up) Frank, you run a tight ship.
Frank Beardsley: You ought to see me on the water.
"Yeah, we've seen you on the water… and in the water. There's a little movie called Jaws 3. Mind if I bring that up? Also, we better keep an eye on Rip Torn because he is drinking a glass of wine. A few more then he's going to end up getting drunk and start plowing into a taxi cab and gets arrested." Sean said, referencing Rip Torn's arrest video.
(A clip from Rip Torn's arrest video is shown)
Rip Torn: And I have witnesses to what I drank… one and a half drinks.
Sean: (Narrating) Admiral Sherman offers his recommendation that Frank becomes his successor as Commandant, which means that he'll be at sea all of the time and be away from his lovely wife and family. But Frank declines the offer because he wants to be with his new family. Back at the house, the Beardsley-North Kids throw a party with a bunch of teens and a live band.
"What the heck?! They got Hawk Nelson to perform at their house. Friggin' Hawk Nelson and Drake Bell is singing with them. What?!" Sean exclaimed.
(A couple of teens enter the house with some beer kegs as William sees this)
William Beardsley: What is this? I didn't order any beer.
Dylan North: Don't look at me. I just wanted to break our parents up, not go to jail!
"Oh, that's easy for you to say, jackhole! You're the one that pleaded guilty to child endangerment. Also, I swear if any of you get drunk and do a drunken keg stand. I've seen World's Dumbest Partiers and those things don't end well, especially flame shots. And I think somebody's doing a flaming shot in the other room. I think you better go check." Sean said.
Phoebe North: (Sees a pizza boy with some boxes of pizza) I didn't order any pizza.
Pizza Delivery Guy (Played by Dan Mott): Well, somebody did. And somebody owes me $379, plus tip.
Phoebe North: $379?
Pizza Delivery Guy: Plus tip.
"Son of a bitch! That was my pizza! I was going to throw a pizza party at my house and that asshole went to the wrong house! I said 402 Maple Drive! Damn you!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Nick talks to Christina and tells her that it's a cool party. He tries to put the moves on her because she's hot, but Christina turns him down in her own very special way.
(Christina dumps some liquid substance on Nick's head)
Christina Beardsley: Phoebe is my sister.
(Christina turns around and sees Phoebe)
Nick De Pietro: Oh, hey, Phoebe.
Phoebe North: Get lost, loser.
(Nick leaves)
Christina Beardsley: Look, I'm really sorry.
Phoebe North: No, no, I'm so sorry.
Christina Beardsley: Let's promise never to let boys come between us ever again.
Phoebe North: (Laughs) Yeah, like that's really going to happen.
(Phoebe hugs Christina)
"Uh, but you do know what's going to happen, right? Me writing a naughty fanfic about Phoebe and Christina. Want to hear my ideas? The Hot Stepsister, Showering with Phoebe, Forbidden Attraction, Secret Lovers… wait, that's my William/Phoebe idea. Sorry." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Frank and Helen arrive home to witness the wild party going on at their house, which means Frank is going to go full-on warpath mode.
Frank Beardsley: Would everyone who lives here please raise your hand?
(The Beardsley-North Kids raise their hands)
Frank Beardsley: Anyone else remaining here after five minutes will be forcibly conscripted into the United States Coast Guard.
Sean: (V/O as Party Guest) Oh, shit! Let's make a run for it.
Brian: (V/O as Party Guest) What about the booze?
Sean: (V/O) Fuck the booze, man! I don't want to be in the Coast Guard!
(All of the party guest run out of the house
Pizza Delivery Guy: Sir, there is the matter of $379, plus…
(Frank shuts the door in his face)
"Uh-oh, somebody's in big trouble." Sean said.
Frank Beardsley: All right, everybody fall in! (Yells) I said, "Fall in!"
Helen North: Dylan, Phoebe. I am very disappointed in both of you.
Frank Beardsley: Disappointed? Is that what you are, Helen? Disappointed? William, Christina, front and center.
Helen North: Frank, take it easy.
"Don't tell me to take it easy, woman! I will beat you in front of your kids and I will beat your kids in front of you!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Frank.
Sean: (Narrating) But then it becomes World War III as Frank and Helen have their biggest fight ever.
Frank Beardsley: There is nothing wrong with having rules. Everybody lives by them. The entire universe lives by them.
Helen North: Well, then, Frank, that's the last thing these kids need from me. There's only one rule I know and that's "At any time, all of this could be over, taken away from you forever." And then who needs more rules after that. I can't live like this anymore, Frank, and neither can my kids. I don't know how yours do it.
Frank Beardsley: My kids got along just fine until we moved in together. Everything was shipshape.
Helen North: Oh, Frank. It's obvious that we got into this way too fast.
"Really? You don't think so, you carefree bitch?! You two just jumped straight into marriage instead of going out for a couple of dates and moving in together, You two are the worst couple ever than Seddi from iCarly, YOU DUMB SONS OF BITCHES!" Sean screamed out in rage.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, after realizing that they were moving way too fast, Helen tells Frank that he should take the job as Commandant. After their worst fight ever, William tries to celebrate but Christina and Phoebe are not in a celebrating mood because of what they did.
Christina Beardsley: Helen cried herself to sleep tonight. We should be ashamed. It's all our fault.
Phoebe North: Yeah. My mom was happier with your dorky dad than I've seen her in years. And we totally screwed it up.
"You don't say? You know, this movie is filled with a bunch of idiots doing idiotic things. Is this movie almost over?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Frank calls Helen to tell her that he's taking the job…
"You know, this is the oldest cliche in the book. You two get together, then you split up and then you get back together. Why does this have to happen in every movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough of that sappy depressing stuff between Frank and Helen which wants to make me eat a bullet, we cut to Ely and Otter as they have another encounter with Jerry Martinez and the Goon Squad.
Bully Kid #1: Hey, look who it is. It's the freaks.
Bully Kid #3: Yeah, why don't you go home to your shoe?
Otter Beardsley: Shut up!
Bully Kid #2 and Bully Kid #4: Did you just tell him to shut up.
(Lau steps in)
Lau North: Is there a problem, punk?
Bully Kid #4: What's it to you?
Lau North: You mess with my brothers, you mess with me.
(Mick steps in)
Mick North: And me.
Bina North: And me.
Marissa North: And me.
Naoko North: And me.
Joni North: And me.
Jimi North: And me.
(A clip from Spider-Man is shown)
New Yorker on Bridge #1 (Played by Joe Virzi): You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!
"I'm sorry, I had to use that clip. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to use it for this perfect moment." Sean said.
Mick North: Otter, are these the kids that have a problem with big families?
Otter Beardsley: They say we share our underpants.
Jimi North: Oh, that's just ignorance.
Naoko North: And do you know how to stop ignorance?
Bully Kid #3: Uh, education?
Joni North: Close.
Jimi North: Butt-whooping.
"You see here, we don't take kindly to bullies picking on big families. You know what we do to bullies? We give them the taste of the old Darksaber treatment." Sean said in a hillbilly accent while wielding Gideon's Darksaber from The Mandalorian.
Sean: (Narrating) After defending Ely and Otter from the bullies and William winning the election for class president and the kids bonding together, they come home only for Frank to share the news with his children about him taking the Commandant position and I have to say, I did tear up a little from watching the scene. With him taking the Commandant job, that means that they have to move to Washington and the kids aren't happy about it, especially William.
Dylan North: What are you gonna do?
William Beardsley: I'm gonna pack and we're gonna move, just like every other time.
Christina Beardsley: So that's it? We're just gonna give in and let this happen?
William Beardsley: You know the drill, Christina!
Ethan Beardsley: William, wait! Wait!
William Beardsley: What?
Ethan Beardsley: Please… I don't wanna lose another mommy.
"Awww." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And with that, they have a plan to stop their father from leaving, the older kids launch the family's boat in an effort to catch Frank while the younger ones make a mess out of Helen's workspace, and immediately they try to axe the Asian kid, Mick grabs Lau, then Kelly grabs Mick, and the others hanging out the window, while Mrs. Munion is not paying any attention while she's vacuuming.
"Worst. Nanny. Ever!" Sean yelled out, in his Comic Book Guy voice.
(Helen gets out of the car and sees the kids hanging out the window)
Helen North: (Screams) Mrs. Munion!
(Mrs. Munion sees Lau hanging out of the window)
Mrs. Munion: Oh, my God!
(Helen runs past Mrs. Munion)
Helen North: Mrs. Munion!
Sean: (Narrating) Helen pulls the kids up as Kelly explains to her that the older kids went to go stop their father from leaving while they stayed here to mess the place up and they explain that they mess up the plan to break them up but they like living together.
Helen North: You planned to break us up? Oh, Come on, kids. Come on.
Aldo North: No, Mom!
Helen North: What? We have to go.
Aldo North: Remember the old you. Spanking is never the answer.
"Kid, she's not going to spank you. She's trying to stop Frank from leaving." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, Operation: Get Mom & Dad Back Together is a go, as Frank sees the family boat and his kids sailing it and they stop their father from leaving as they explain to him that they were behind everything, all the fights and that they tried to break up him and Helen and that they made a huge mistake, but then Frank sees the lighthouse work, which leads to the two of them reuniting and getting married with their kids involved. Oh, let's not forget that they have to record their little phone message.
"No! We're not going through with that shit again! Let's end this review. This is Yours, Mine & Ours and as much as I riff on the movie, it still has a certain charm to it." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once again)
Sean: (Narrating) Now, don't get me wrong, it's still a bad movie. It had some dumb, unfunny moments and some cliched moments as well that fit the big family formula. But it still has the charm to the 1968 version. The acting is okay, the actors are giving their best, actors like Dennis Quaid, Rene Russo, Rip Torn, Linda Hunt and Miranda Cosgrove and especially Drake Bell. It's a good movie, but not good. If you like the original 1968 version, then you should watch this with your family. Yours, Mine & Ours comes in at 3 animals running out of the house out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. And I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Eighteen kids! Man, that's like The Brady Bunch!
And that's all for my review of The Mayhem Critic, I hope that you enjoyed my review of the 2005 remake of Yours, Mine & Ours. Which one is your favorite funny moment from the review? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean take a look at the 2001 sequel Rush Hour 2 and shares his thought about the movie. After the review of Rush Hour 2, I will do the Top 11 Nostalgic TV Show Intros. If anyone wants to do a co-review of the Top 11 Nostalgic TV Show Intros, PM me if you're interested. Feel free to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you want to co-review a movie or a TV show with me, then feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.