The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I'm here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, you're in for a great one and I hope that you're prepared for more Sean Rage because in today's review, Sean the Mayhem Critic will be taking a look at the 1987 spy comedy Leonard Part 6, starring Bill Cosby. A movie so horrendously bad, that it turned Sean into a raging madman. Will he be able to survive this review? Who knows? Is it worse than any of the movies that Sean reviewed? Well, sit back and relax and grab yourself a cold one to drink, better bring the alcohol, here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Leonard Part 6 is owned by Columbia Pictures.
Episode 125
Leonard Part 6
Today's review opens as we see our residential critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, is angrily walking around the room. He wasn't his usual cheery self. He is angry. He's so angry that he couldn't open with his favorite opening catchphrase to the audience calmly.
"I can't, I just can't! This movie… This movie is… DAH! This movie wouldn't describe how FUCKING LIVID I AM!" Sean screamed out before he calms himself down right when he sits down on the couch. "Okay, I'm sorry… it's just that… man! Today's movie is bad, I mean really bad. If any of the films that I reviewed for this show are really bad… then I am screwed. I am totally screwed. This movie ruined my life. That… that's it. This is the worst movie I have ever watched. Nothing in my life is the same anymore. Music doesn't sound the same. Sex! Sex doesn't feel good anymore. Today, we're going to be talking about Bill Cosby."
(Various photos of Bill Cosby are shown in a montage while the Cosby Show theme plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about Bill Cosby that hasn't been said about him? The man is a legend in the field of comedy. He was known for his stand-up routines, he had a long-running sitcom that ran for eight seasons. He was clean, he was friendly and he's a great role model…
(A picture of Bill Cosby's mugshot is shown while an article from Time that reads "Bill Cosby on Rape Allegations: 'I Don't Talk About It'" is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Ooh, did I say clean and friendly? What I mean to say was that he's a stark-raving rapist who drugs women and does unspeakable things to them while they were unconscious and thank God he is finally brought to justice and he is now behind bars…
(An article from Associated Press is shown, which reads "Bill Cosby freed from prison, his sex conviction overturned")
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, goddamn it. Well, a freed convicted rapist who's sitting at home eating his pizza. Aside from him being a rapist, he was a huge TV star. But his movie career tanked. (Posters for films like Hickey & Boggs, Uptown Saturday Night, A Piece of the Action, Let's Do It Again, I Spy Returns and The Devil and Max Devlin are shown) Although, he had some modest hits like Uptown Saturday Night, Let's Do It Again and A Piece of the Action, all three which were directed by Sidney Poitier. In 1990, he did a little film called Ghost Dad, which was also directed by Mr. Poitier, and that movie sucked balls.
"And today's movie. I'm not looking forward to reviewing it. Before Ghost Dad, Cosby did a movie so bad, so horrendous, over my years of doing The Mayhem Critic, I think that I have found the worst movie ever that I think is much worse than Batman & Robin, Superman IV, Supergirl, The Master of Disguise, Eight Crazy Nights, Robocop 3 and Jaws: The Revenge. The movie that I will be talking about is Leonard Part 6." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie is shown, followed by a montage of clip while the theme music plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on December 18th, 1987 starring the rapist himself, Bill Cosby. The movie was directed by British director Paul Weiland and this was his feature film debut. (The poster for City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold is shown, followed by a picture of Mr. Bean) City Slickers II and Mr. Bean sounds good right about now. And what's bad about it is that the movie's production was reportedly troubled when Weiland and Cosby often clashed on-set. The film only grossed about $4.6 million against a $24 million budget. None of the critics have any kind words to say about this film. Take a look at Siskel & Ebert's review of the movie, they weren't kind to the movie as well.
(A clip from Siskel & Ebert's review of Leonard Part 6 is shown)
Roger Ebert: He oughta be ashamed of himself.
Gene Siskel: Boy… you're upset. And you know I am too.
(Roger laughs)
Gene Siskel: He's disappointed his legions of fans.
"Oh, yeah. The awfulness of the film brought Siskel and Ebert together." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But you want to know who the biggest critic is? It's Bill Cosby, himself.
(The DVD cover for the movie Bill Cosby: Himself is shown)
"Oh, blow me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, this movie is so bad that Cosby was disappointed with it that he publicly advised people not to waste their money on it.
"So why would you release it if you knew that the film was gonna bomb?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Not only he encouraged people not to see it, he went so far as to buy up the television rights so the film could never be shown on TV.
"But he didn't get the home video rights. Because what I have here is a copy of the movie on Blu-Ray." Sean said while holding up the Blu-Ray case for the movie. Since I had to sit through this horrifying pile of anus waste, you're all gonna sit through it as well and see what kind of torture that I have to endure! This is Leonard Part 6. I'm telling you right now that this is going to hurt. It's gonna hurt real bad. I mean, you should just turn back now. Okay, you've been warned." Sean said.
(The movie opens with cartoon drawings of animals)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with a terrifying and warped title sequence that doesn't make any sense until you've seen the movie. And the title sequence features childlike drawings of animals.
(The title sequence plays while Elmer Bernstein's music score plays in the background)
"Really? You call those opening credits? You're calling kid drawings and titles written in crayon an opening credits sequence? Oh, yeah! One of the greatest opening credits in cinematic history." Sean said.
(The opening credits for Batman (1989) and GoldenEye are shown, then back to the opening credits for LP6)
Sean: (Narrating) Batman, GoldenEye, kids' drawing and names written in crayon. (Sarcastically) I can't wait to see more!
(Cut to a montage of clips featuring the character Leonard Parker, driving in his Porsche with a tank cannon on top of it)
Sean: (Narrating) So the movie opens with…
(As Leonard drives down the hill)
Sean: (Narrating) Wait, what? What's going on? (Cut to Leonard doing ballet) Huh? What is this bullfuckery? Wait a minute… what? How? (Cut to Leonard riding an ostrich on top of an exploding building and the ostrich flies off of the building in a bad claymation effect) Oh, you can't be serious!
"Stop, stop, stop!" Sean yelled out. "What did we just witness here? Because I'm lost."
(Those three clips are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, from what they just thrown right in our faces, we've just witnessed the main character driving around in a Porsche that has a tank cannon on top, which we would like to call it "Joe Arpaio's Wet Dream", followed him doing ballet and to top it all off on this shit sundae, we see him riding an ostrich on top of an exploding building and they turn into a bad claymation effect.
"Yep, this is one of those movies where I end up getting drunk. Here, let me get a glass and a bottle." Sean said as he pulls out a whiskey glass and a bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey before sitting them on his coffee table. "Let's continue."
Sean: (Narrating) We're then introduced to Leonard's butler Frayn, played by Tom Courtenay, who explains why we're starting at part 6 and not parts 1-5 because parts 1-5 have been classified for security reasons.
"You know, you could've called it "Leonard Part 6" and just left it at that. It's just part 6. But you just botched that joke that was supposed to be funny because you just had to explain it." Sean said.
(A clip from Batman: The Animated Series is shown)
Joker (Voiced by Mark Hamill): If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE!
Sean: (Narrating) After that pointlessly confusing title out of the way, we cut to the Golden Gate Bridge, where we see two divers diving into the water before cutting to some creepy Ginger guy spying on some dude. We then see the divers showing their deadliest assassin its target.
(One of the divers is holding a barking rainbow trout)
"Oh, Jesus. The trout barks. Trout does not bark! How is it possible for them to bark?" Sean asked.
(The divers send the trout through a drain pipe as it swims past through stuff, then it swims past an issue of Playboy Magazine before swimming back to look at it)
"Really? Was that supposed to be funny? That's not even remotely funny. I find your style of humor being boring, unfunny and cringy. Oh, did I mention that Bill Cosby wrote this movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So after the rainbow trout kills the guy, who happens to be working for the CIA. We cut to the CIA, where we see the director Snyderburn, played by Joe Don Baker, as they must deal with their deadliest enemy and who's responsible for this madness. So, he comes up with the only man who would stop this terror.
Snyderburn (Played by Joe Don Baker): In my lifetime, I've only worked with the one man who can match the brutality and heinous wit that's behind these sordid and unpatriotic executions.
Adams (Played by John Hostetter): Mr. Snyderburn, you don't mean-
Snyderburn: Yes.
Madison (Played by George Maguire): But he retired, he'll never come back.
Snyderburn: He'll come back.
"We'll make sure that he'll appear in The Meteor Man and Jack." Sean said, imitating Snyderburn.
Sean: (Narrating) The CIA sends one of their agents named Monroe, played by William Hall, who's having a bad case of dandruff and a smoking problem. We then see our main character Leonard Parker, played by the rapist himself, as we see him pouring some of his Jell-O pudding into people's glasses. We learned that he's retired from the CIA and he opened a restaurant which became San Francisco's finest.
Leonard Parker (Played by Bill Cosby): Yes, Mr. Monroe?
Monroe (Played by William Hall): I'm afraid it isn't fresh.
Leonard Parker: What isn't fresh, sir?
Monroe: The trout is not fresh.
"Then if you don't like the trout, then I suggest that you go to Pini's. They have the best lasagna there. Sam Puckett approves." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Leonard and Monroe head to the kitchen so they could find some fresh fish for him, but it turns out that Monroe was sent by Snyderburn to kill Leonard to get him back into the CIA.
Monroe: I've been waiting a long time for this. You know what this is going to do for my career? Eliminating the number one agent in the western world.
Leonard Parker: But I'm not the number one agent. I retired seven years ago.
Monroe: (Wraps a towel around his magnum) Yeah, that's not what Nick Snyderburn said.
Leonard Parker: Snyderburn! Now don't be nervous now.
Monroe: Oh, I'm not nervous, you know.
"He just wants to kill you before you get sent to jail." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Monroe tries to kill Leonard while the chefs in the kitchen are oblivious to the gunfire happening around them and the joke is that the shootout happening around them is actually helping the cooks.
(Monroe fires his Mac-10 at Leonard, but hits the eggs, which causes the eggs to cook. He then shoots at a pot with a plate of oregano sitting on top of it, causing the plate to fall which causes the oregano to go into the pot of sauce)
"Okay, I hate to say this but I think this a clever joke in the movie and hell, it's worth watching. But if you want me to nitpick about it, then I have one little nitpick. What's with the slo-mo shot of Cosby?" Sean asked.
(A sudden slow motion shot of Leonard is shown)
"Boy, it really sticks out. And it's out of place." Sean said. "Blame it on bad editing."
Leonard Parker: Go easy, Monroe.
(Monroe pulls out another gun. Leonard steps back as Monroe gets ready to take a shot at him Leonard opens the refrigerator door that's filled with cans of Coca-Cola. He uses the refrigerator door for cover as Monroe fires his gun, causing the bullet to ricochet off of the door and many other things as Leonard and Monroe watch)
We cut back to Sean as he moves his head around while watching the bullet bouncing off of stuff.
(We cut to a clip from Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, where we see Tackleberry and Ace watching the bullet ricocheting off of the walls and light. We cut back to the movie as the bullet flies out of the kitchen. A waiter enters the kitchen as the ricocheting bullet returns and ricochets off of the top of a silver platter and hits Monroe in the back of the head, which kills him and he ends up falling in the fish tank. A waiter walks by Leonard with a tray of vegetables as Leonard grabs a carrot and takes a bite)
"Okay, who the hell does Cosby think he is, Bugs Bunny?" Sean asked. "I think Bugs Bunny won't be happy about that."
(Cut to Leonard eating a carrot before cutting to a Looney Tunes short featuring Bugs Bunny)
Sean: (V/O as Bugs Bunny) Call my lawyer. I'm suing that rapist for stealing my schtick.
Sean: (Narrating) So Leonard heads down to the agency to speak with Snyderburn and they brief him on what's going on.
Jefferson (Played by Grace Zabriskie): Stemola Meat Company, Kedna, Illinois. A group of highly trained house cats assaulted one of our agents in the gristle room, covering him with fur balls, killing him, and burning his IRS records.
"Ooookay. I've never thought of fur balls from cats killing people. I know that the actual movie Cats is known to kill people." Sean said as the poster for the 2019 film adaptation of the movie Cats is shown.
Jefferson: This is the work of a single heinous organization under the direction of a maniacal and sadistic woman. (Cut to the next slide of the woman in question, which is Medusa Johnson) She's a vegetarian, former ecologist, and she's bent on taking over the world.
"Really? I'm watching a movie about the evils of vegetarianism. And I'm not even a vegetarian! Yeah, when was the last time I've watched a movie where vegetarians are evil?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Troll 2 is shown)
Arnold (Played by Darren Ewing): OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
Adams: This heinous woman has developed a formula which can control the very mind of every animal, fish, bird, reptile and insect on this globe.
Jefferson: And we have just learned that in the next 36 to 72 hours, this parapsychotic tyrant plans to launch an all animal offensive of major proportions against the bay area.
Snyderburn: Leonard, you gotta come back with us.
"Now, I know that he can't say no to saving the world. Right?" Sean asked.
Leonard Parker: No.
Snyderburn: We need you, Leonard.
Leonard Parker: You don't need me, you need the ASPCA.
Snyderburn: We'll pay your regular fee, 6 million dollars.
Leonard Parker: Why don't you just blow her up?
"Because she's… uh, how do I say this? She's a black woman, not Iran." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Leonard tells Snyderburn that no means no because he has his reasons. And one of those reasons is his wife. He quit the CIA because he thought it would get his wife back after she left him.
Leonard Parker: She needs time.
Snyderburn: It's been seven years.
"Seven years. It's been seven years and you're still pining for her? Then, move the fuck on! Hell, Freddie Benson moved on after Carly Shay left for Italy and after Sam Puckett left for California and joined that biker gang." Sean said, referencing iCarly.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, Frayn talks some more as Leonard returns home only to find a bunch of luggage sitting in his living room, which means his daughter Joan, played by Victoria Rowell, has come to visit because her and her mother have gotten into an argument about her starring in a play which is going to make her a star and she's also going steady with the director and she introduces him to him.
Joan Parker (Played by Victoria Rowell): Daddy, meet Giorgio Francozzi.
Giorgio Francozzi (Played by Moses Gunn): Ciao, Leonard.
"Jesus Christ. An aspiring actress who has to get romantically involved with someone in the entertainment industry to try to boost her profile. And it's with an older man. Yeah, kinda reminds me of actor-director John Derek and his wife Bo Derek." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And yes, you could see that Leonard does not approve of her relationship with him and I think the age gap is a little wrong too. Anyway, while Joan grabs her father a sandwich and something cold to drink, Leonard speaks to Giorgio, played by Moses Gunn.
Leonard Parker: What is this, what's going on?
Giorgio Francozzi: We're in love, we're going to get married.
Leonard Parker: This is my daughter.
Giorgio Francozzi: Right.
Leonard Parker: She's 20 years old.
Giorgio Francozzi: Right.
Leonard Parker: And you're 65?
Giorgio Francozzi: 66.
"Uh, yeah. I believe that Victoria Rowell is a 28 year old playing a 20 year old. And Moses Gunn was a 58 year old playing a 66 year old." Sean said as Victoria Rowell and Moses Gunn's IMDB pages are shown.
Sean: (Narrating) So Joan returns with a surprisingly and quickly prepared sandwich and a bottle of Coke. And my God! Cosby is even careful to hold the bottle long enough to show the camera and then face towards the camera in the next shot.
"You fucking whore." Sean said.
(Leonard sits down on the couch next to Joan)
Sean: (V/O as director Paul Weiland) Alright, Bill. Keep holding the bottle so we can include the shot in the movie.
Joan Parker: Must you interfere in my life, daddy? You're just like mother. She doesn't believe that I really wanna be an actress and being an actress is what I intend to do with the rest of my life, daddy.
"Look, you grave robber. If you want to be an actress, try acting for once. You're not doing very good." Sean said.
Joan Parker: I need to express myself and I need to experience life at its most raw.
"Oh, honey. Don't talk to Bill Cosby about wanting a raw experience. He will give you a raw experience and it won't be pretty." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Man, this entire scene just goes nowhere. I feel like I'm watching a bad episode of The Cosby Show. Plus, I just love the fact that Leonard doesn't try to eat the sandwich or drink from the Coke bottle.
"Hmm, it's probably the New Coke with a new ingredient that he added. Roofies." Sean said.
(A clip from the New Coke commercial from 1985 is shown)
Bill Cosby: A new explosion of wonderfulness in your mouth. Go ahead try it.
"Yeah, when Bill Cosby tells you that New Coke is a new explosion of wonderfulness in your mouth and he tells you to try it, just say no." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to the other side of town as we see another CIA operative keeping surveillance on the International Tuna building, which is the location of the evil vegetarians, which consists of muscular male models with white tank tops and white pants. Here, we're introduced to the movie's villain named Medusa Johnson, played by the late Gloria Foster, you know the Oracle from The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded. And I have to say as much as I riff on this movie, she's the most enjoyable part of this film.
Medusa Johnson (Played by Gloria Foster): Who has the nerve to call?
Andy (Played by Hal Bokar): Kill 'em!
Medusa Johnson: Of course, my beloved Andy, kill him.
"I just love that she just hams it up. She's having some fun with the role." Sean said. "I might add her to the Top 11 Favorite Villains."
Sean: (Narrating) While the CIA operative is busy staking out the place, we see that she sends out some frogs to kill him.
(A bunch of frogs hop underneath the operative's car while he's busy taking notes. The frog croaks as the operative hears the sound before writing some notes)
Man Ray (Played by David Maier): Quailish!
(The frogs hear the command as they start hopping, being able to lift the car)
"Oh, my God. That is so lame. Are we supposed to find this funny? It is ridiculous. Plus, the special effects are awful.
(Cut back to the scene where the frogs are lifting the CIA operative's car. The footage is slowed down as we're able to see the lifts that are actually propelling the car into the air before cutting to a bad visual effect of the car going into the water)
Sean: (Narrating) While watching this movie, I've slowed down the footage and I've noticed the lifts that are actually propelling the car into the air. Hell, they couldn't just hide it. Also, the effect of the car going into the water looked lazy. It's a bad blue screen effect and you could see that the frogs mysteriously disappeared and they made it look like the car somehow threw itself into the water.
"Wait a minute, who did the visual effects on this movie? I demand to know right now, who is the clown that worked on the movie?" Sean asked.
(A picture of visual effects artist Richard Edlund is shown)
A shocked look appears on Sean's face after he learned that visual effects artist Richard Edlund worked on the film.
"I… don't… believe it. Richard Edlund, the same guy who did the visual effects for the original Star Wars trilogy, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Poltergeist, Fright Night, Big Trouble in Little China, Masters of the Universe, 2010, Die Hard and Ghost worked did the visual effects for Leonard Part 6. Dude, you just did the visual effects for Ivan Reitman's Legal Eagles, Solarbabies and Poltergeist II: The Other Side. Why are you resorting to working on a bad movie like this?!" Sean exclaimed before pouring himself another glass of whiskey and takes a drink. "Oh, man. This sucks on so many levels. And I would just like to point out that frogs aren't scary. Not in this movie, not in the movie Frogs, not ever. Come on, Hollywood! Get your shit together!"
Sean: (Narrating) Back with Leonard, he is still pining over his wife while listening to Peabo Bryson and talking to his butler.
Leonard Parker: I miss her.
Frayn (Played by Tom Courtenay): I know, sir.
Leonard Parker: Seven years.
Frayn: You've just got to stop being so hard on yourself.
Leonard Parker: I have not been with a woman since Mrs. Parker left me.
"I can see why. You do unspeakable things to women after you roofie them." Sean said.
Frayn: Terrible punishment, sir, even if the girl was only 19.
"Ooooh. That joke did not age well." Sean said.
Leonard Parker: I didn't do anything.
Frayn: But to be fair, sir, Mrs. Parker did find the two of you naked in the sauna switching each other with birch leaves.
"Come again?" Sean asked with a confused look on his face.
Leonard Parker: I never laid a finger on that girl.
"I believe that's what he said during his trial." Sean said.
"You're a sucker for punishment." Brian said, sipping his Coors beer.
Sean: (Narrating) So Leonard calls up his ex-wife to talk about the situation with Joan and Giorgio also, he tells her that he misses her a lot, so she invites him over for dinner at her place tomorrow night. Boy, talk about bad writing. So we get a montage of Leonard getting ready for his big night with his ex-wife by working out and trying on some clothes set to Peabo Bryson's Positive.
(Cut to Leonard working out to Jane Fonda's exercise video)
Jane Fonda: (On TV) That's right, come on, come on Leonard. Get your back into it. God, you're lazy, reach. And now legs up, one.
Frayn: Come on sir, we can do better than this. Look at that.
Jane Fonda: Come on Leonard, can't you get it up?
(TV static transitions to Snyderburn)
Snyderburn: Leonard, pay attention Leonard.
"Dah! Joe Don Baker! Quick, change the channel!" Sean exclaimed as he grabs the remote.
Leonard Parker: How'd he get on this tape?
"Hey, I would be irritated too if Joe Don Baker was interrupting something that I was watching." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Snyderburn informs him on a sphere that controls animal's behavior and that the bad guys are guarding it in the B room and all that crap, then some more of the montage of Leonard getting ready. After that montage, Leonard leaves to see his ex-wife…
(We see the limo driving out of the driveway and makes it to his ex-wife's house, who lives across the street from him)
Sean: (Narrating) ...who lives across the street from where he lives.
"Wait a fu… wait a minute. You mean to tell me that she moved out of his house and moved into another house across the street? God! This movie is the equivalent of getting your nuts bashed with a 2x4." Sean said as the movie slowly angers him. "Oh, yeah. Did I mention that this is a parody of spy movies? I'm sure that the writers are forgetting about that because we have to sit through this pointless filler!"
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Leonard goes to meet his wife Allison, played by Pat Colbert, who is suddenly set up for a romantic evening with him. So they get to talking and he pours a drink for her.
"Lady, whatever you do, don't drink out of that wine glass. If you end up drinking it, you'll see a blurry image of Bill Cosby waving to you and then you'll be unconscious. When you regain consciousness hours later, you'll find your panties at your ankles and you will feel soreness in certain parts of your body and you'll now see Mr. Cosby standing in front of you wearing a bathrobe and a devilish smile." Sean said.
Allison Parker (Played by Pat Colbert): You know, Leonard, I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you and it was painful, extremely painful when that incident occurred.
(Allison pours soup on the sleeve of Leonard's suit)
Leonard Parker: Well, it was painful for me as well but, I mean, that's behind us, that's the past. You said that, that's what you said.
Allison Parker: Leonard, I know what I said but I'm having a lot of trouble not remembering you with her. Every time I see your face, I see that 19 year old.
"I betcha that she saw that he was doing some unspeakable things to that 19 year old." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So she just dumps food all over him just to take her rage out on him.
"Jesus, this movie is lacking some comic energy. None of the actors seem to care about the material, none of the material is actually funny and nothing about this movie actually feels like a comedy. Also, they didn't even talk about their daughter's relationship to a geriatric." Sean said.
DuChamp (Played by George Kirby): Cancel the grits.
We cut back to Sean, who looks disgusted from the comedy of the movie as the sound of cricket chirping is heard in the background.
Frayn: (Narrating) Something told me at a glance that the evening had not gone well.
"Oh shut the fuck up, you British twat! My God, this movie is so boring that it comes to the point of the film that I end up hating this movie. You know, there was a time that Bill Cosby could make me laugh from watching The Cosby Show. Looking at this movie, it makes me wonder why did I think this guy was funny? Does anybody understand comedy?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Leonard decides to return to the field of spy work, but first he has to go visit an Albanian fortune teller by the name of Nurse Carvalho, played by Anna Thomson. She doesn't speak any English and all she does is slap his face and stick her fingers in his nose. Jesus, how is this meant to be funny? The movie tries to tell a joke and they end up failing miserably. She gives him a pair of ballet slippers and a little box and we finally see Leonard suit up and get ready for his mission.
Frayn: Australian boomerang knife. Sky-linked collapsible bazooka. Three wafer-thin grenades. Hair clippers, sir, you never know. The world's smallest camera. And to round off your personal artillery, sir, a pair of underarm heat seeking missiles. (Frayn equips the missiles on Leonard's arm)
"Wait a minute, he's about to go on a dangerous mission and you give him all of this stuff? Shouldn't you give him a machine gun? Hell, give him an Uzi or an AK-47. Better yet, give him an MP5 submachine gun, for crying out loud?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) So Frayn chants some random dialogue and now that we're halfway into this film, the movie remembers that it's supposed to be a spy movie. Leonard arrives to the evil vegetarian's hideout and he starts blasting at the door with a bunch of poorly-rendered explosive bullets that look like that they came from out of Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, and then he starts wailing away at the door with explosives.
(Leonard jumps around and throws grenades at the door. He jumps around some more and fires his bazooka at the door as we see a series of explosions. He then fires off his missiles at the door)
Sean continues to look on with a look of anger as the sound of crickets chirping are heard once again.
Sean: (Narrating) Since blowing up the front door fails, Medusa opens the front door to let him in where he sees some animals running around, then Medusa unleashes her evil vegetarian dancers to try to kill him. What?
(A group of evil vegetarian dancers start attacking Leonard while Medusa looks on and laughs)
Sean continues to watch the scene before pouring himself another shot of whiskey and taking a drink.
"This fucking movie is going to turn me into an alcoholic." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Leonard puts on the magic ballet slippers and he starts fighting back… with the power of dance.
(The song "Far From Over" by Frank Stallone plays in the background while he fights the vegetarian dancers. He even uses his hair clippers on one of the vegetarians and shaves off it's feathers)
Medusa Johnson: Take this, Leonard Parker!
(Medusa shoots at Leonard with the machine gun turret, one of the bullets hit Leonard in the shoulder)
"So you just straight up shoot him. Why couldn't you have done that BEFORE?!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) With Medusa and her men on his tail, Leonard traverses through the factory and comes across the Bee Room, where he finds the sphere. And the reason why it's called the Bee Room is because the room is filled with bees.
(A clip from Transformers: The Movie is shown)
Galvatron (Voiced by Leonard Nimoy): This is bad comedy.
Sean: (Narrating) Leonard puts the queen bee in the room with the drones and he unleashes the bees on the bad guys while he steals the sphere.
"I know that I'm supposed to do a Wicker Man joke, but I just don't feel like it. This movie is just pissing me off."
(As Leonard makes his escape, one of the henchmen grabs him and his boomerang knife as he gets ready to kill him with it)
Leonard Parker: Anything but the boomerang knife.
(The henchman throws the boomerang knife at Leonard, but Leonard ducks down as the boomerang knife flies right towards the henchman, impaling him in the chest)
"Look, if I want to see a funny boomerang related accident or death, I would rather watch Black Dynamite." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So Leonard escapes with the sphere and Medusa is not happy that it's gone. Leonard returns home and he prepares to take the bullet out of his shoulder, but then his daughter enters the house to ask him if he's coming to her play.
Joan Parker: Daddy, are you in there?
Leonard Parker: (While trying to take the bullet out) Who is it?
Joan Parker: You are coming tonight, aren't you?
Leonard Parker: Tonight?
Joan Parker: Daddy, you promised….
"Yeah, well Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Joanie. Welcome to the real world." Sean said.
(Leonard screams as he removes the bullet from out of his shoulder with a hunting knife)
Joan Parker: You okay, daddy?
Leonard Parker: Yeah, taking a shower and the water's hot.
"Yeah, she should know that she does not hear the water running. Maybe she's either deaf or just dumb." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Leonard and Allison go to Joan's play, which is composed of her dating a white guy before suddenly taking her clothes off on the set of the living room. Oh, Christ. Does she not know that her parents are watching? Hell, the audience is watching too. After they watched the play, they go to see their daughter and Leonard has a frank discussion with Sergio, I mean Giorgio right by the bars of Lava soap.
Leonard Parker: I'm talking about my daughter!
Giorgio Francozzi: Even she can't help that second act.
Leonard Parker: I'm not talking about saving the second act! I'm talking about saving your life!
"You do not want to end up in jail like me. Do you want that to happen to you, do you?!" Sean asked, imitating Leonard.
Sean: (Narrating) Leonard steps outside for a quick breather then heads back to talk to his daughter, only to find her daughter and the others tied up and gagged.
"Sounds like a Saturday night at Bill Cosby's house." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They even kidnap his wife and they want the sphere back or they'll kill her. So they head down to the agency to steal it from them because they want to control the animals.
Leonard Parker: (Grabs the white rabbit) Come here fella, let's take a look. You all step over there, now step over there. Let's see, alright, let's take a look here. Now did you give it the liquid? And it's all activated there.
(They all nod)
Leonard Parker: Well, I think the only thing's missing here is to say the word quailish!
(The rabbits start attacking Snyderburn, Adams, Jefferson and Madison)
"Okay, how the hell does he learn the phrase that makes them attack? Am I missing something here?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Not only that, they had to rip-off Monty Python and the Holy Grail. A movie that I would rather be watching right now. So Leonard and Frayn grab the sphere and they head down to Medusa's factory. But first, they head down to the grocery store to grab some dishwashing liquid to put in the dangerous substance. Also that gypsy comes back and she somehow teleports herself into Leonard's car and she gives him a stick of butter and some several meat items to defeat the vegetarians.
(Nurse Carvalho waves a hot dog wiener in Leonard's face as Leonard grabs it)
Leonard Parker: What's this for?
"For shoving it up your ass real hard. That's what it's for." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Leonard arrives at the villain's hideout to give them the sphere in exchange for his wife.
Leonard Parker: May I have my wife back, please?/Where is she? I want my wife back.
"Come on, Cosby. At least put some emotion into the dialogue." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then Medusa tricks Leonard by trying to drop a cage on him and a hologram of Allison.
Leonard Parker: Where is she?!
Medusa Johnson: It's a simple hologram. (Laughs)
Leonard Parker: I want my wife back!
Medusa Johnson: So what else is new, Leonard?
Leonard Parker: You told me if I brought you the sphere you'd give me my wife back!
"Thank you! It's about time you start emoting an emotion, you jackass." Sean said.
Medusa Johnson: The couple that spies together dies together.
Leonard Parker: My wife is no spy.
Medusa Johnson: I needed a rhyme, quiet.
"Okay, did I mention that Gloria Foster is the best part about this movie. She's enjoyable to watch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Medusa is onto Leonard's little trick and here's a reveal so stupid that I just lost my shit. It was actually dishwashing liquid that they were using. Man, the writers are just dumb.
Leonard Parker: (To the ostrich) Hi.
Medusa Johnson: Hands off!
"I'm sure that Bill Cosby is used to hearing that kind of thing from women." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So they capture Leonard and they lock him in the cell with Allison and she unleashes some angry lobsters to kill them both while she moves to her plan to unleash the animals in California.
Man Ray: In five minutes and 32 seconds all of northern California will be ours. (Laughs)
Medusa Johnson: Not ours, mine.
Man Ray: Right.
Medusa Johnson: Piedmont./Oakland./San Jose./Berkley./Feed me.
"Don't forget Silicon Valley and Palo Alto." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to Leonard and Allison as the lobsters try to pinch them to death. Also, one of the lobsters go straight to his junk. But then, Leonard frees himself and scares off the lobsters with melted butter.
Allison Parker: Melted butter?
Leonard Parker: Melted butter. (To the lobster) Yes, melted butter, and if you don't cut the wires then I'm gonna Thermidor ya.
Sean looks disgusted again before we hear the sound of crickets chirping. Suddenly, there are no crickets chirping in the background, just dead silence.
"What? No crickets chirping?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So Leonard and Allison free themselves and threaten the lobsters with melted butter and the two of them thwart Medusa's plan and using a vegetarian's worst nightmare.
(Leonard pulls out the thawed hamburger patties from out of his pocket, causing the vegetarian henchmen to stop charging towards him)
Leonard Parker: Meat.
Henchmen: (All) Meat?
Leonard Parker: 100% pure beef.
Henchmen: (All) Beef?
"Stand back! My meat is dangerous and I'm not afraid to force it on you." Sean said, imitating Leonard.
(Leonard slaps the hamburger patties on the henchmen. One of the henchmen remove the hamburger patty from off of him and we see the words "USDA 100% Beef" branded on his chest)
Sean: (V/O as Henchman) Oh, no! I've been branded by beef! IT BURNS!
Man Ray: I'm not afraid of a little meat.
(Leonard pulls out the hot dog and waves it in Man Ray's face. He laughs before taking a bite out of it as Leonard takes a step back until his head explodes into sawdust)
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Did I just witness the evil looking Ginger man taking a bite out of Cosby's meat after he waves it in his face and all of a sudden his head explodes. Was that guy made of sawdust? This is insane. I know that this is a PG movie for the whole family to watch, but it's not like I was expecting to see blood or brains. Also, here's a guy in a wheelchair shooting at Bill Cosby with a tommy gun.
(Andy shoots at Leonard with a tommy gun and misses every shot)
Andy: Death to all mankind.
(Andy continues to push his wheelchair forward until he ends up falling into a vat of red dishwashing liquid)
"Oh, Jesus. Are you kidding me with this shit?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And if you think we've had enough product placement in one movie, Leonard drops some Alka-Seltzer into the vats, which causes everything to explode. Also, Medusa has green foam dropped on her. And to top it all off, Leonard rides on an ostrich and flies off the building and Frayn blows up the sphere. With the bad guys' evil plan foiled and Snyderburn and his people are ticked about the sphere being destroyed. And Leonard and Allison celebrate their reconciliation the best way possible.
(Allison pours soup on Leonard and laugh. The two kiss as the song "Without You" performed by Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle plays while the credits roll)
"And thank God. We finally end this abomination. I don't think I can take more of…" Sean said.
(In the credits, it cuts to Leonard putting spaghetti on his head, then the credits resume rolling)
"Alright, NOW it's the end of the mo…" Sean said.
(Another scene cut in the middle of the credits is shown, this time showing Allison dumping another plate of spaghetti on top of Leonard's head)
Sean: (V/O) Wha… bu… hu...wai…
(The credits resume)
We cut back to Sean, who is now looking annoyed and disgusted before talking.
"Okay, NOOOW it's the end of the mo…" Sean said.
(Yet another cut, this time Allison smears a piece of strawberry cake on Leonard's face)
Sean: (V/O) OH, SON OF A BITCH!
(The credits resume some more)
"Okay, NOOOW it's the end of the mo..." Sean said.
(YET ANOTHER CUT, this time we see Leonard smash the whole strawberry cake on his face)
Sean: (V/O) FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!
(The credits resume some more)
"Please be the end of the movie. I do not want to suffer some mo…" Sean said.
(The credits briefly appear, only to show a food-covered Leonard and Allison kiss before Sean screams out loud)
"Movie, what are you doing to me here? Are you trying to get in one good laugh before you end up killing me here? That's what you're trying to do here. You're trying to get in one good giggle before this movie ends. Well, you know what movie. Here's what I want you to do. Come here, come here." Sean said.
The young critic then pounds on his coffee table as a demonic face momentarily replaces his.
"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!" Sean screamed out in a demonic voice before switching over to his normal face. "This movie is pure garbage! FUCK LEONARD PART 6!"
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) The jokes are horrible, the acting is horrible, the writing is horrible and the comedy is horrible. Everything about this movie is horrible! Why did I even bother reviewing this movie?! Why did this movie exist? It's bad enough that Bill Cosby wrote the story idea while he was watching Rambo. Hell, the movie is tone deaf with no comic timing or emotion. I don't blame Paul Weiland for making this film, I blame Bill Cosby. See, Paul Weiland knows comedy! He directed City Slickers II, episodes of Mr. Bean and he created the TV special Blackadder: Back and Forth. Hell, Leonard Part 6 is a kind of role for either Gene Wilder, Steve Martin or Leslie Nielsen. Hell, even those guys wouldn't even star in that horrible film. Also, evil vegetarians. Come on, that's just lazy writing. This is movie is the worst piece of shit that I've ever reviewed in Mayhem Critic history and it deserves every single thing bad about it.
"Oh, my God. I can't believe that I'm going to be doing this. This is marks the first time I've ever given a bad movie a rating like this." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Leonard Part 6, you get a 0 out of 5! AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!
We cut back to Sean as we see him pouring himself another glass of whiskey before looking directly into the camera.
"Thank you, Leonard Part 6. Thank you for turning me into a fucking alcoholic." Sean said before drinking his whiskey. "I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for a certain theme month." Sean said.
(Night at Bald Mountain by Modest Mussorgsky plays in the background as Sean puts on… a St. Patrick's Day hat? He glances up at it before taking it off of his head)
"Oops. My Halloween hat is in the washer. My bad." Sean said.
(An extra clip plays)
Frayn: (Narrating) Faced with this kind of pressure, how could he say no?
Leonard Parker: No.
"Well, movie's over! Goodnight, everybody!" Sean exclaimed as he gets up from off of the couch and leaves the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I never laid a finger on that girl.
Whoo! Man, that movie was a pain to review. And that was the review of Leonard Part 6 for The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you enjoyed the hilarious review of this movie so godawfully bad. Originally, I didn't want to review this movie because I wanted to start Halloween Havoc early. But, I wanted to get this review out of the way before I move on to the next review. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Halloween Havoc is back and better than ever. Sean kicks off the fourth annual Halloween Havoc celebration as he takes a look at the 1984 science fiction horror film Firestarter, a film that he's reviewing before the Nostalgia Critic reviews it. After the Firestarter review, Sean reviews the third entry in the Scream franchise, Scream 3. I have picked out the films to review for Halloween Havoc IV. Here's the list that I've picked out:
Firestarter
Scream 3
Wes Craven's Shocker
Hocus Pocus
Tremors
Like the selection of movies that I've picked out? If you want to review one of those movies with me, let me know in the comments or PM me if you're interested. Feel free to leave a review for this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, I'll be working on my Creddiam one-shot for iCarly called iRepay Carly, so I will be posting it sometime this week. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.